Saturday, September 08, 2007

Presenting Levine's Laws

Listeners of my Seattle Mariners broadcasts are familiar with Levine's Law. It is, simply stated:

The lead off walk will always come around to score...unless it doesn't.

I have NEVER been proven wrong. But it's not my only law. Here are a few others. I imagine you have some too and you're welcome to share them.

Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew.

No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.

A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Paula Marshall is in.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.

Theatre audiences will always boo a Rob Schneider trailer yet he will keep getting movies.

Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.

Tomorrow: The nude photo of Vanessa Anne Hudgens that is making the rounds on the internet has inspired me to come up with the perfect storyline for HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Rule #1

A TV judge can not be the same color as their baliff.

R.A. Porter said...

I don't know Ken...this Gentile mohel is pretty funny. And I saw Paula Marshall's cutting edge guest stint on Californication (the only reason I watched that painful, painful exercise in writer's wish fulfillment). The sooner the networks leave her off their pilot schedules the sooner I can count on seeing Skinemax masterpieces co-starring Paula and Shannon Tweed.

A law in honor of my poor wife:
As soon as you finally find someone who cuts your hair the way you want it, she runs off to Utah to follow her boyfriend to a college that doesn't believe in grades.

TheDennisMorganShow said...

I have 57 tired worn out Rules. At every turn, 56 have failed me. The sole retread:

When ever I feel like excercising -- I lie down til the
feeling goes away.

Do they still shoot horses?

ajmilner said...

Anonymous rule #2: Anyone who adds "and-a-half" to their own age in conversation is too young to have sex or get married.

Zach said...

Half the people you meet in your life will be from New Jersey.

Raymond said...

Men will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a woman is someone who shares their values, and then pick the best looking woman.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Half the people you meet in your life will be from New Jersey.

Bingo! My grandparents, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, and my father.

Carlo C. said...

You will never live a day without having your nose in your field of vision.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Men will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a woman is someone who shares their values, and then pick the best looking woman."

Thus PROVING they DO indeed share their values!

My Law? A "Perfect Gentleman" will ALWAYS turn out to be gay, but not until after the wedding. If they are gay, but are not a gentleman, they'll turn out to be a Republican Senator.

Which leads to my Political Law, The harder a Senator campaigns against a particular vice, the more sure you can be that he indulges in it to a degree that would horrify Caligula.

Check out my own blog, for my thoughts on Senator Larry Craig's list.

DrBear said...

The distance between your gates when changing planes at an airport is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to make the connection.

Anonymous said...

When the DJ says,"Back in a minute," it'll be six minutes before you hear a song.

ajmilner said...

EVERY thrift store will have at least one of these paperbacks for sale:

JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL
SUMMER OF '42
LOVE STORY
IACOCCA

The Curmudgeon said...

The likelihood that a vital piece of office equipment will fail increases in inverse proportion to the amount of time remaining for the completion of a critical task.

Sebastian said...

rule #1: When you learn english for nine years in school (as your first foreign language) and finally make your first trips to the US and the UK, you will find out that nobody actually speaks it (in LA, London, Houston, Dallas).

rule #2: If you then start learning spanish and make your first trip to Spain (Isles Baleares) you will find out that everybody speaks your language there (german) or, again, speaks something they speak in Manchester, which of course is not english.

Oh and rule #3: women will always claim they need to be able to "laugh with their man" - and then pick the one who treats them like garbage and laughs about them.

Anonymous said...

Does your wife appreciate your humor? I can't imagine what it would be like to live with a comedy writer!!!!

The Minstrel Boy said...

two small rules i've learned from my tawdry divorces:

1: the same things about your sense of humor she found so amusing at the beginning are now called mental cruelty.

2: if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, it is still my fault.

Anonymous said...

>>Ken said...
The driver in front of you is an idiot.>>

So's the one behind you and on either side.


>>Carlo C. said...
You will never live a day without having your nose in your field of vision.<<

Unless you're Michael Jackson.

My main law and the one about which I'm most often correct is:

If your patents didn't have children, the chances are you won't either.

Alaskaray

Anonymous said...

Bob Saget will always work. And the rest of us will always be scratching our heads.

Ellen said...

Every movie review has a mistake in it.

A. Buck Short said...

"In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family."
--THE BEST !!!!

"There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right."

-- Rarely mentioned fact: When Carson said to Ed Ames, “I didn’t know you were Jewish?” the irony was mitigated by the fact that Ames actually WAS Jewish. The Ames Brothers were 4 of nine children from Malden, Massachusetts, the sons and daughters of Russian-Jewish immigrants from the Ukraine (go ahead wiki-away).

-- A man goes into a store with a sign consisting of a huge clock hanging over the door. He tells the guy behind the counter he’d like to have his watch repaired. The guy says, “We don’t fix watches, I’m a mohel.” The man says, “ If you’re a mohel, why do you have that huge clock hanging outside?” The guy behind the counter says, “What the f__k do you WANT me to hang outside?”
-- Buddy Hackett, circa 1967.

-- "He was a frontier mohel. They gave him a badge and a knife and a gun and he kept the piece.”
--Buddy Hackett, op cit

Sincerely,
A. Buck Short, Last of the Jewish Cowboy Poets.

And Ken, as we all will be wishing each other down here in Texas, next week, "Yontif bueno!"

Anonymous said...

Bob's Universal Field Theory of Wedding Presents:

There ain't no such thing as too many blenders.

Dan O'Day said...

"The driver in front of you is an idiot."

One of my most memorable moments was in a taxi in Amsterdam. Some driver did something that upset the taxi driver, who became furious and screamed Dutch obscenities at the guy.

Then he turned to me and said, "The two worst kinds of drivers in the world are Belgians...and people who wear hats."

D. McEwan said...

So imagine how badly a behatted Belgian drives!

Brian Kunath said...

The closer you get to your bathroom, the more likely you are to poop your pants.

GMJ said...

At a theater (concert, play or movie), there is usually at least one person will forget to turn off their phone and then that person's phone rings at the worst moment.

Brian Scully said...

An actor will NEVER mess up a joke that HE came up with.