Sunday, September 09, 2007

High School Musical 3

How’s this for the plot of the upcoming HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3? A nude picture of Gabriella (Vanessa Anne Hudgens) is discovered by evil-bitch-future-CAA-agent, Sharpay (Ashley Tisdale) and her weasel brother-future-network-director-of-comedy, Ryan (Lucas Grabeel). Song: “You Learn a Lot About People by Going Through Their Purse”.

Sharpay is very aroused by the naked photo. Ryan is not. Both realize they’re gay. They’re relieved and break off their own budding romance. They sing a big duet: “Incest & Peppermint”.

Stick with me here.

Sharpay also ends her affair with Troy’s dad, the basketball coach realizing it’s wrong to sleep with an older man, much less a teacher when she’s now into quail. And she’s not even in his class.

Ryan joins the basketball team. Shower room production number: “Get’cha Game in the Head”. He’s a good player but tends to get holding calls, even while opponents are shooting free throws,

Meanwhile, Troy (Zac Efron) is on vacation at the one ski lodge that has an indoor basketball court ('Dennis Rodman’s Alpine Inn') and meets fellow vacationer, Jordan Sparkes (fresh off her American Idol tour even though it’s been over for months). They sing a duet together on karaoke night. “In Ten Years We’ll Be Playing Branson.”

Still not over the incredibly insane coincidence that after meeting Gabriella similarly in a ski lodge and a week later, out of all the high schools and cities in the world she could have transferred to, she transferred to his, Troy is shocked when Jordan transfers there as well. They sing a duet about it: “Tweeners Are Too Dumb to Care”.

Sharpay (named after a French felt pen) befriends Gabriella and invites her up to her room where she proudly shows off her extensive headless Barbie collection. Hoping to entice the dark young beauty, Sharpay casually leaves around a few nude photos of herself but Gabriella is creeped out because the shots also include her nude brother, Ryan.

Now Gabriella, Jordan, and Ryan want to star in the high school musical with Troy. Sharpay wants to star with Gabriella, or even Jordan. Ryan wants to star with Troy, his dad, or the back-up center with the soulful eyes. Jordan wants to star in CHICAGO on Broadway.

Ms. Darbus (Alyson Reed), the Drama teacher, is still in hot water with the school board since last year's musical was PHANTOM OF THE OPERA and the chandelier that hovers over the audience during the opening number snapped killing eleven people. This year no ninth graders are on the tech crew.

Gabriella finally rejects Sharpay’s advances in an emotional number called “Why Would I Want a Strap-on When I Can Have the Real Thing?

Sharpay decides to exact revenge and releases the nude photo of Gabriella on the internet. But her plan backfires when not a single boy in the entire school is the least bit aroused.

Big final dance number as every student in East High gets scholarships to Emerson College and Troy learns that Sharpay is his new stepmother.

19 comments:

odocoileus said...

A John Waters musical extravaganza!

Greg said...

Here in Europe the High School Musical Mania hasn't reached us yet and I'm not really looking forward to it. But I am looking forward to the third installment (as long as Ken is writing it, of course).

Greg

Willy B. Good said...

I bet even old Walt would cum out of suspended animation to see that one.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant.

...and all we had to worry about in high school was zits.

A. Buck Short said...

French felt pen, ha. Your mind doesn't wander Ken, does it?

Now a reminder: Have you gone out and bought that birthday card yet? Time’s awastin’.

And isn’t it time for the annual re-release of the classic Wally Wood/Paul Krassner Disneyland Orgy cartoon from The Realist?

http://www.maybelogic.org/maybequarterly/04/0404DisneylandMemorialOrgy.htm

(B/W enlarged version) http://www.ep.tc/realist/74/12.html

Or the Euro Disney video recreation? (Said to have gone viral, but in truth disappointingly hardly even bacterial.)

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2778702

blogward said...

Let's hope Andrew Lloyd Webber is available.

Lairbo said...

I don't know why she's apologizing for the pix. I saw them and she's got nothing to apologize for!

brock said...

I'm willing to begin recording on this today, although we need to still work on Zac's storyline, which I think due to his increasing popularity will have to be kept to one location so we can shoot it over a weekend.

I'm thinking prison. His cellmate Bruno (Ron Perlman) could cover "I Can Make You A Man" from Rocky Horror, while the backing music is provided not by basketballs, but by men being shanked and/or raped.

This would require Zac to be able to act as if he is nervous/uncertain/terrified every time the camera is on him, and based on the first two movies I'm not sure if Zac has a blank stare... wait... what am I saying? Zac perfected his acting style in the same YMCA after-school program as Paul Walker. The blank stare is his secret weapon!

"conformity YEAH!"

MaryAn Batchellor said...

I can see the new dolls at Walmart already, complete with accessories.

estiv said...

Could you throw in a Very Special Guest Appearance by Britney Spears? A solo number by her could add that certain je ne sais quoi.

aaron said...

Please tell me at the end of the credits, we get see the "where they ended up" moments, among them:

Sharpay got two cats and joined the CIA. She is now head of Homeland Security.

Jordan moved to NYC. She now dances on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sunday afternoons at the Hole in the Wall, a strip club.

After learning of Sharpay's taste for beaver, Troy's Dad divorces her. He now lives with Ryan and their mini schnauzer, Mitch, in San Fransisco. They are very happy together.

Troy and Gabriella end up together with three kids. The oldest, Payne, is starting highschool this year!

Jim 7 said...

Emerson gives scholorships?

Jim 7 said...

and does spelling count?

D. McEwan said...

Perhaps the time for this musical extravaganza has indeed come. Last night the Justin Timberlake/Andy Samberg musical number "Dick in a Box" won the Emmy for best music & lyrics!

Can “Why Would I Want a Strap-on When I Can Have the Real Thing?” be far behind?

Tallulah Morehead said...

Former First Lady Jane Wyman died today. The Falcon has crested. They say she never recovered from reading my autobiography, and learning her Oscar was really intended for that bitch Delores Delgado. Oh my God; I killed Jane Wyman, very slowly.

As if sleeping with Ronald Reagan hadn't been punishment enough.

Dwacon said...

Walt Disney so carefully protected Annette Funicello -- but looks like Vannessa needs the same coddling.

Alto2 said...

I have young kids, and I have successfully avoided the HSM franchise. However, I'd like to know what whackjob named a character, "Sharpay"? Name a cute girl after a wrinkly, ugly, nasty-ass, Chinese dog? Oh, please. What's her brother's name, "Rottweiler"?

The Crutnacker said...

I'm picturing the 12 year old who is searching for more info on the third movie coming across this and posting it as a "spoiler" on her fan site.

Anonymous said...

okaiii...slightly funny ...okaii well hands down i did laugh but i do luv high school musical u must have a lot of tym on ur hands to do dizz in ur spare tym ...luv anii xxxxx ...and u must admit hsm is BIG stuff