Thursday, January 31, 2008

Are you ready for some PRE-GAME??!!!

Fox’s news release promised their pre-game coverage would “mix the safety blitz with Hollywood glitz.” So right away you know you’re in for a nightmare.

It’s the same release Fox News has issued for their Super Tuesday coverage.

Instead of showing tailgate parties or stories on the economic impact of the game – which has been done to death – Fox is going to do something completely groundbreaking and revolutionary – they’re going to interview celebrities. Who cares what Terry Bradshaw thinks when we can get Jennifer Morrison’s expert analysis?

There will be an actual red carpet show, hosted by (who else?) Ryan Seacrest. It’s a chance for a number of actors to finally give their Golden Globe acceptance speeches. “LA VIE EN ROSE was an extraordinary experience and if Edith Piaf were here right now I’m sure she’d be saying GO PATRIOTS!! WOOO!!!”

Who needs satire when Paula-Abdul is actually singing on the pre-game show? Scott Ackerson, the show’s producer, is quoted as saying Paula’s song is “going to surprise a lot of people.” When asked in what way he said, “It’s going to be good.”

In the twelve-hour pre-game show Fox promises that at least three minutes will be devoted to actually previewing the game. But not consecutively.

In fairness though, last year when CBS did the pre-game show they used Katie Couric.

One thing Fox did get right: Joe Buck doing the play-by-play.

The average ticket price for the Superbowl: Around $4,125. Parking not included.

The over/under for Jordin Spark’s singing of the national anthem is 1:42. Take the over.

TONIGHT SHOW correspondent, Kellie Pickler refuses to give her pick. But she’s been there reporting all week and now almost knows who the two teams are.

Sorry sports fans, no LINGERIE BOWL this year. That’s the halftime Pay Per View event where scantily clad bimbos play flag football. Don’t blame the WGA strike for this one. I’m sure they’d be willing to give them a waiver.

If the Patriots win and make history, Boston fans at the game will still chant, “YANKEES SUCK!”

Bridget Monynahan, who had a child with Tom Brady just before he dumped her for someone else, works out in my gym. I told her she should have named the baby Peyton.

TV Azteca must've been so proud when their correspondent wore a wedding dress to media day and proposed to the two quarterbacks. Where'd she get her Journalism degree, from an on-line program offered by J-Date?

Why does Sirius satellite radio make such a big deal of having Howard Stern when they also provide the Telenet (Flemish) broadcast of the Superbowl on channel 119?

The Patriots are going to win but take the Giants and the points.

27 comments:

TCinLA said...

Football. Proof that Mencken was right. The Stuporific Bowl. Proof that Mencken was a genius.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

Faux News: proof that there's an exception to everything. I see where their sheeple, er, I mean viewers, are down 24% from last year.

Even morons eventually get disgusted with themselves.

Next yeat we renew the Fairness Doctrine, and the world's biggest drug-addled, Viagr-crazed, little girl and boy chasing, pimple on his own ass, will be gone. Along with all the rest of the ghouls and gargoyles of the American right. Back under their rocks, where it's dark enough down there that nobody can tell what ugly little permanently pimple-faced losers they were, are, and always will be.

We can always torture them with 24 hour broadcasts of the Stupor Bowl and American Moron, er, I mean Idol.

Jake Hollywood said...

As much as I HATE to pick them, I think the GIANTS will win.

WTF, my peeps back in Philly just croaked...next I'll be wearing a T.O. jersey and hoping Romo dumps Jessica...

When will LA get a pro team (I mean other than USC)?

Bitter Animator said...

I know nothing about your crazy American football. Seems way too broken up and long for my tastes.

But I think I may be interested in checking out more of this so-called lingerie bowl. I imagine it is quite captivating.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

But I think I may be interested in checking out more of this so-called lingerie bowl. I imagine it is quite captivating.

When it's on, yes.

Especially when the pants are off.

The Crutnacker said...

To be fair, there is at least one reason for a non-fan of the teams to be watching the games beyond the advertisements. You can root for or against New England setting a record.

With the exception of Pepsi's silent ad, the vast majority of this years ads look like THEY were impacted by the writer's strike. Go Daddy's are so bad I'm almost ashamed I registered a domain name with them. Reports indicate that this year's ads are "kinder and gentler" (read: bland and guaranteed to make you tune out).

I've always wondered who watched all 48 hours of pregame coverage. Even when my Ravens were playing, I could only stand about an hour and a half.

Bitter Animator, American Football is the only Football. We were smart enough to call it Soccer here, if only because Soccer Sucks rolls of the tongue easier than Futbol Sucks.

Roger Green said...

No Lingerie Bowl, but isn't Victoria's Secret advertising on the SB for the first time since 1999? Then, GoDaddy will likely bring some titillation. That is, if you go for such things.
Today is four years since Nipplegate.

Vermonter 17032 said...

Wait, are you saying there's a football game on this weekend? Geez. I hadn't heard about it.

LouOCNY said...

Best pre-game, during the game-and after the game show:

The Puppy Bowl. IV.

complete with play by play from Harry Kalas

and the exciting Kitty Halftime Show

Nerdie McSweatervest said...

re: Joe Buck

Yes, he's a pretty good play-by-play guy, but every time I see him I think of his reaction to Randy Moss's pantomime mooning of Green Bay fans a few years ago.

OK, it was pretty childish, and only a little funny, but Buck went off the deep end, saying something like "what a disgusting act!"

At the time, I thought "What?! You work for Fox!" The network has done more to promote showboating at the expense of sportsmanship than Vince McMahon.

Naturally, the "act" was so disgusting that Fox replayed it more than once.

Tom Quigley said...

First, wonder if any Las Vegas sports book has set odds on Tony Romo dating Kelli Pickler by end of season next year?...

Second, with all the mystery surounding reports that Tom Brady was injured at the beginning of last week, and then seeing the video of him visiting his girlfriend Gisele Bundermacher or whatever her name is, I was half expecting the official Patriots' injury report to include something like: Brady, Tom -- anterior dislocation of the dinky... Playing status remains on a night to night basis....

Third, now that I think about it, wonder if any Las Vegas sports book has set odds on Tom Brady dating Kelli Pickler by end of season next year?...

Graham Powell said...

Just FYI, Tom Brady and Bridget Monynihan broke up before she knew she was pregnant.

Why is everyone harshing on the game? If you don't like football, fine, but let the rest of us enjoy it.

RAC said...

I'm looking forward to the NFL Films broadcast of "the road to the super bowl" before the game. It is narrated by Alec Baldwin, who at half-time dials up his daughter and berates her for harshing on football and quoting Mencken. Should be great.

TheKnidsRAlright said...

That Phoenix station must've been so proud when their field reporter wore a wedding dress to media day and proposed to the two quarterbacks. Where'd she get her Journalism degree, from an on-line program offered by J-Date?

She's not a "field reporter," but a tv "correspondent," and her channel, TV Azteca, is actually not from Phoenix, but rather, Mexico's 2nd largest television network.

To them, the Super Bowl is just a funny little diversion in their sports world.

Oh, and by the way, although I can't find an actual sports book that will take the action (yet!) sportsblog Rumors and Rants has kindly broken down the odds for which celeb chica Tony Romo will bed next... and Kelly Pickler is their odds on favorite.

Check it out here:
http://sportsyenta.blogspot.com/2008/01/handicapping-romos-next-conquest.html

tb said...

Wait, what? I thought writers didn't go to the gym.

John said...

There was a celebrity prediction story on Thursday that noted both Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly have picked the Giants to upset the Patriots.

As a long-standing Giants fan and former season ticket holder, I realize this convergence means only one thing -- my team is doomed! Doomed, I tell you! I'm now stuck facing the prospect of watching New England roll up something like a 62-10 victory in Glendale on Sunday, because these two pompous jerks couldn't keep their predictions to themselves (and if I find out Nancy Grace has also picked the Giants on Sunday, I'll be cringing in terror that the Pats will break triple digits by the time the game is over).

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I disagree about Joe Buck. I find his statistic-choked calls and vapid ad-libs annoying. The white Joe Morgan.

As for the pregame hype, I don't watch. I don't watch the halftime show, either.

Anonymous said...

I disagree about Joe Buck. I find his statistic-choked calls and vapid ad-libs annoying. The white Joe Morgan.

Um, I can't think of two things that clash than Joe Morgan and statistics...

Ken Levine said...

Thanks for the TV Azteca correction.

I'm not trashing the game, just the pre-game hype.

I'll be doing my post game analysis on KABC Sunday night from 7-10.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Wait, what? I thought writers didn't go to the gym.

I'm living proof of that truth.

Dan Serafini said...

You haven't lived until you've had your Kellie pickled.

Megalion said...

Also it's Bridget Moynahan.

I was surprised to realize that she used to be a model before she transitioned to her current career.

Looked through some old magazines I found recently and found her face here and there.

jbryant said...

We'll hear this in a future interview:

Reporter: Is it true you did Pickler?
Romo: Pickler? I didn't even walk her home.

::rimshot::

Allen L. said...

Completely off topic, but what the hell. Thanks for the recommendation re: Cassell's from last year. Finally got over there today. Awesome! You know Moe's in Burbank? Cassell's is like Moe's semi-retarded, savant cousin decided HE wanted to open a burger joint as well.
Just as good, just NO frills. Delish!
Thanks, Ken.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Joe Morgan may not rattle off statistics, but his ad-libs are awful.

Anthony Strand said...

Super Bowl? Pfft.

Everyone knows the Puppy Bowl is where it's at.

azredsoxgal said...

Too funny--our 10pm newscasts had reporters all over town covering the "red carpet" at the various Super Bowl shindigs. Of course, NO celebs, be they A,B, or C-list, had shown up at that early hour so they had to ad lib their pieces.
-Patti in Scottsdale

VP81955 said...

Each year, I commit what I call the last great act of cultural defiance: I listen to the Super Bowl on radio.

There are advantages. You're not incessantly shown quarterback reaction shots, even if they aren't involved in the play. (If we're going to focus so much on the QBs, why not simply make pro football some sort of passing skills competition? Of course, then we'd be deprived of wide receivers acting like buffoons after scoring a touchdown.) On radio, you just get the football, with a minimum of bull. (Alas, we are a society that worships bull.)

True, this way you're left with little ammunition for water-cooler talk on Monday, but 1) we don't converge around the water-cooler at work, and 2) I have Monday off.