Wednesday, January 30, 2008

the Learning Annex

Several big US and Canadian cities have LEARNING ANNEXES. These are adult education classes that vary from being very worthwhile to some that are downright wacky. Many are taught by “experts” looking to push their books and lecture series. And a lot of the courses are self-help oriented. I always grab one of their catalogues when I see them.

Here are some of the courses being offered by the Los Angeles LEARNING ANNEX for Jan/Feb/Mar.

TEA TASTING AND WORKSHOP (“If I’m not mistaken that’s Lipton.”)

HOW TO OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLE by “Best selling author and superstar” Jenny McCarthy (I assume this is a course on oral sex.)

HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE OF BIRTH AND DEATH – includes the First Law of Chaos and the “truth” about truths. (How can chaos have a law?)

HOW TO START A SUCCESSFUL JEWELRY LINE – with “Jewelry Designer to the stars” Loree Rodkin

HOW TO KICK YOUR SUGAR HABIT – become a “savvy sugar sleuth” and learn to recognize “sugar pushers”. (“Hey little girl, want some candy?”)

HOW TO START A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION BUSINESS – start your own agency with or without a license. (Prerequisite: HOW TO BE A LOWLIFE).

MAKE MONEY AS A PERSONAL COACH (Isn’t personal coach just a fancy name for mother?)

BECOME A SYNDICATED COLUMNIST IN THREE DAYS OR LESS (Day one: Buy the Tribune Company. Day two: Learn how to write.)

A SMART MAN’S GUIDE TO ATTRACTING AND DATING BEAUTIFUL WOMEN (I guess the Dumb Man’s guide is setting a bear trap with a sign that says “Free Food”)

LEARN TO SPEAK ANY LANGUAGE IN JUST THREE HOURS (to the disappointment of many – Klingon not included).

EVERYDAY FENG SHUI (as opposed to Feng Shui for those “special occasions”)

GET A PERFECT BODY WITH KETTLEBELLS (Cost of surgery not included)

With great courses like this you just wonder why there are still so many losers out there.

24 comments:

marvw said...

BECOME A SYNDICATED COLUMNIST IN THREE DAYS OR LESS (Day one: Buy the Tribune Company. Day two: Learn how to write.)

If you can do step one you really don't need to learn how to do step 2.

Anonymous said...

"These are adult education classes that vary from being very worthwhile..."

Uh, I don't think so. Name one.

Bitter Animator said...

TEA TASTING AND WORKSHOP - didn't David Duchovney take this class?

Roger Green said...

MAKE MONEY AS A PERSONAL COACH (Isn’t personal coach just a fancy name for mother?)

No, your mother does more and gets paid far less.

blogward said...

So Ken, how would you list The Sitcom Room?

The Crutnacker said...

Hey Bitter Animator, if that's what that class is about, do you know where I can sign up?

Anonymous said...

You're a funny guy but sometimes you don't look before you leap. Jenny McCarthy wrote a book about her experience with her autistic son.

Tom Quigley said...
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Rick said...

Re: the babe in the bikini and the "How to make money anywhere" article: She just text messaged the guy in room 1208 ... "I'll be right up ... "

Tom Quigley said...

" You're a funny guy but sometimes you don't look before you leap. Jenny McCarthy wrote a book about her experience with her autistic son."...

I believe she'll be dealing with that in a class she's teaching next semester entitled HOW TO OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLE AND ENJOY ORAL SEX....

van said...

I learned how to prepare sushi through one of those classes, so it's not all bad.

Your Humble Correspondent said...

I am curious as to breaking the cycle of birth and death. Iwas not aware it was possible.

Gridlock said...

I wasn't aware it was a cycle in the first place

Tim said...

I too am interested in learning how to break the birth/death cycle. Almost everyone I know has been born, done stuff, then died. I want to break out of that.

Ger Apeldoorn said...

I saw Jenny MacCarthy on Oprah and as a parent with an autistic child I was offended by the lessons she learned from her experience. I thought her 'postive' approach toward autism was as offensive as the cathlic church's stance on homosexuality. Her idea that it is a curable abnormality is highly insulting to me and if my experiences with these kind of children are anything to go by, she will have to rewrite her book in a couple of years. Personally, I would rather see autism as a brain type than a brain defect, but I guess that is impossible in a society that's run by women. Add to that her insistance that it was caused by the immunity shots her kid got and her plea that the government should 'listen to the mommies' who have been saying that all along and I was angry enough to never want to see her naked again.

I guess that last joke makes my credebillity on this isse completely zero, but I couldn't resist it.

Tallulah Morehead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tallulah Morehead said...

"I learned how to prepare sushi through one of those classes, so it's not all bad."

How to prepare Sushi:
1. Kill fish. (Use blunt force, NOT poison.)

2. Chop up into bits.

3. Put on plates arrainged in "shapes'.

4. Serve to upscale idiots who mistake bait for food.

5. Hope no one dies.

6. Repeat until rich.

I just saved everyone their Learning Annex Sushi class fees.

Noneya said...

Oral Sex and Sushi....

If there's a joke there somewhere, I'm not going to be the one to tell it.

A. Buck Short said...

I took the Tea Tasting and Actors Workshop with James Lipton. It was insufferable and I can still savor that foul liquid in my sensory memory.

I have to say, I have really appreciated the insights offered by Temple Grandin, an autistic PhD., on how she believes people with autism have a different and more visual way of thinking, and how she’s applied that personal knowledge and research to similarities in animal thought and behavior. I recommend her books highly. I have never heard her lecture, but she’s supposed to be quite good. Based on those principals Temple is said to have been involved in the humane design or re-design of one out of every three livestock handling facilities in the U.S. I marvel at the patience and tenacity of the parents of autistic children, knowing how physically and mentally exhausting it can be.

On a lighter note, since I have nobody else to copy it to, I thought I would share, in its entirety, this email reply I received at 2:45 this morning from Tel Aviv. Has to be one of the great “dog ate my homework” excuses of biblical proportions:

"I am not able to [go through your email] today (we have a big snowstorm....here and the PC are not working correctly) to open your attachment of the mail you sent on the 21st. please forward it again.
Thanks
Sarah"


I mean, what are the chances...?
(We have subsequently learned it was a broken AT&T Mediterranean cable, but still
snow is a more palatable excuse than any one of the 10 plagues.)

Sincerely,
A. Buck Short
Fitness model, life coach and pilates instructor – soon to be launching my own personal fragrance. Woops. There it is.

TCinLA said...

Add to that her insistance that it was caused by the immunity shots her kid got and her plea that the government should 'listen to the mommies' who have been saying that all along

I am in favor of this, given that we're severely overpopulated and the percentage of morons has gotten to the point where the species is better named homo sap than homo sapiens,, so anything that promotes the increased die-off of the stupid and witless is good fof the planet.

van said...

Tallulah, that's sashimi, you wannabe gilded age strumpet.

Sushi is dead fish, chopped up, wrapped in rice and seaweed, then thrown on a plate and served to rich idiots. Mmmmm, seaweed.

Also, I've made a good amount of sushi, but I have never arraigned a fish. Since they're already dead, I don't quite see the point of posthumous testimony.

Anonymous said...

This post reminds me of http://www.basicinstructions.net

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Wannabe"? I'll have you know that I AM a Gilded Age Strumpet!

But thanks for clearing up for me the different categories of bait. So there's rice included? I didn't realize a sushi order included any food.

As for arranging: of course it has to be arranged! What style is it? Be-Bop? Classical? Rock? Broadway? A good arranger makes all the difference in the music that accompanies the retching.

The best thing about Sushi is that one can use the smell to cover up any little odiferous problems one may be having.

"Tallulah, that stench! Is that YOU?"

"No darling. I'm serving Sushi in my pants."

Cheers darling.

jbryant said...

"As for arranging: of course it has to be arranged!"

Paging Emily Litella... :)