Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The trial of the century (so far)

Have you been following the Christie Brinkley custody trial?

Here’s what we’ve learned:

Her husband was banging a teenager, sometimes in their house.

The husband, Peter Cook, also allegedly stuck his stepdaughter’s head into a bucket of water.

When Peter and Christie needed to get into the “mood” they watched downloaded porn and he had spent untold thousands on it.

Had he been checking he'd learn there are hundreds of free sites.

To prove Christie is a good mother she had introduced as evidence an elaborate dinosaur diorama (complete with a volcano and flying raptors!) that she helped build with her son for his science class. The woman is a saint!

Cook also gave the teen he was carnalizing a $300,000 payoff.

Christie testified that she tried to spare her young children the details of the messy break-up (of course now it’s a public trial).

A psychologist charged Cook with being a raging narcissist.

The same psychologist made the shocking assessment that Christie needs to work on "her choice of male figures".

So my question is this?

How come this is not a bigger story? What is happening with this country? Are we so consumed with higher gas prices, the presidential election, and a war to focus on what’s really important? I’m disappointed, Americans! Where are your priorities?

I mean, this is good stuff!! Rich attractive privileged socialites, sex scandals, character assassination, online porn, payoffs, adultery, betrayals, science projects – what moves you people anymore?!

Because if this trial can’t spark your interest then Lara Logan getting pregnant or Alex Rodriguez dating Madonna while his wife diddles Lenny Kravitz or George and Sarah splitting up will mean nothing, and if that’s the case – well, let’s just say the terrorists have won.

34 comments:

Hank Hollyweird said...

I hate say it, if the terrorist have won, I'm damn glad.

Now we can get back to real interesting stuff, like will the Cubs ever win a World Series (hell, will they ever play in one)?

Ande said...

Don't feel too bad, Ken. There's always TMZ. They report on everything, nothing, and what lies between.

xjill said...

Dude. Was the teenager a minor?? I am indeed surprised I haven't heard about this, at least through tabloid osmosis. Maybe there's hope after all??

Sebastian said...

"Dude. Was the teenager a minor??"

You fail at the Interweb. Wait for the next flush to get the next series of tubes to get to another website.

Gnasche said...

It would be a bigger story if someone was in danger of going to prison or losing their wealth. We have a strong craving to see people punished. I don't think the audience cares who gets the kids because we probably won't get to see Peter Cook in agony when he loses.

Vermonter17032 said...

Ken,

Didn't you hear about how the Democrats evicerated the 4th Ammendment yesterday when they caved in to Bush on telecom immunity and expanded warrentless surveilance of American citizens? That's the day the terrorist won!

growingupartists said...

And whatever happened to all those angry writers getting screwed over, having their work stolen and given away for free on the Internet. You get 'em riled up, and I'll tune in.

JeffH said...

Just me, or do you think the Uptown Girl--now 0-4 at marriage--may be impossible to live with? Not that I wouldn't put up with her(for a year or so)to be husband #5. Billy Joel gives me hope.

rob! said...

somewhere, Billy Joel is laughing.

probably in a bar.

Tom Quigley said...

I know what you're saying, Ken. It's also damn frustrating when you can't get any updates on the A-Rod/Madonna thing because of all the useless "This just ins" about the Iranian missile tests.

The Minstrel Boy said...

i have been recalling the hunter thompson screeds during the pulitzer divorce.

that one's still the gold standard of high society depravity. i mean, shit dude, there were trumpets involved.

"She did it. He did it. They are both depraved shit heels. The only justice would be to sell the kids to the arabs and give all the money to charity."

emily said...

The trial of the century is over. Now what?

Susan said...

Billy Joel is on marriage #3. I'm a huge fan, but still... he's not so much better at the whole marriage thing.

jbryant said...

rob wrote: "somewhere, Billy Joel is laughing. probably in a bar."

Actually, he's in a car. But he drove the car into a bar, so technically you're correct.

Paul said...

If a guy isn't happy banging Christie Brinkley, maybe it's just time for him to end it.

Michael Zand said...

Lara Logan is pregnant?!! Holy Fuck! Now that's big. Sad news for me though. I was hoping it would be me. Only reason to watch CBS news. Hottest, sexiest foreign correspondent EVER!

Bob in Venice said...

It's probably me, but doesn't Peter Cook look like a young Robert Wagner? My advice to Christie? Never go a yacht, even it's moored to a dock, with Peter. I mean, you do know what happened to Natalie Wood, right?

Roger Green said...

Seriously, I had to Google to find out who George and Sarah were.

Tom Quigley said...

"...The trial of the century is over. Now what?..."

What? WHAT?!! Here's what, dammit! -- I say we stop living vicariously through these so-called "celebrities" and take the bull by the horns and start living --- Damn! I nearly made it all the way through!....

[Thanks go to George Wendt for allowing me to paraphrase his blooper...]

emily said...

George Wendt blooped??

Tom Quigley said...

If you ever catch the CHEERS episode where Sam and Kelly's French friend Henri are having a contest to see who can collect the most phone numbers from women in the bar, Sam at first declines the challenge by Henri, for which Frasier congratulates him with "Times have changed and it's good to see you've changed with them." Frasier then heads over to Norm and Cliff and in an aside laments "Well, boys, the king of babes is dead. What the hell are we supposed to do now?" Norm replies with somewhat the same thing I wrote, and about halfway through the speech breaks out laughing and says "Damn! I nearly made it all the way through!" With only about a half dozen episodes left in the entire series, the producers apparently thought the laugh the blooper got was bigger than the original line he was supposed to deliver, and they left it in the show as it was broadcast. Ken, you might be able to confirm it?

D. McEwan said...

But isn't Peter Cook dead? Didn't he die back even before Dudley Moore?

This schmuck isn't even THE Peter Cook, he's just A Peter Cook. How does HE rate press coverage? If he isn't the REAL Peter Cook, the man who called a one-legged Tarzan auditionee a "Unidexter." if he isn't the man who served "Frog ala Peche" and "Peach ala Frog," then who the hell gives a rat's ass?

I caught the opening 30 seconds of ACCESS HOLLYWOOD or TMZ or one of those slime shows a few days ago, and some cheerleader type who looked 15 said, "I have all the latest on the story EVERYONE IN AMERICA IS TALKING ABOUT, the Christie Brinkley divorce." at which point I did the logical thing, and changed channels over to a CHEERS repeat.

It was the first time I'd heard of "The story everyone in America is talking about." I guess Reseda is no longer in America, as no one has mentioned it to me.

On the other hand, speaking of perjury, the CHEERS episode was the one where the guys grow beards, and Woody is in OUR TOWN with Lisa Kudrow. (Or was it one of the other FRIENDS girls? I can't tell them apart.) In it, Frasier said his father had been a scientist who is now dead. He denied his father, like Peter denying Jesus, which brings us back to Peter Cook.

Can't we all just let Peter Cook rest in peace? I just hope Miss Brinkley's next lousy husband isn't named Oliver Hardy.

Shadows and Starlight said...

Hey Ken... Often read your blog and frequently get a helluva good laugh out of it. Unfortunately, today wasn't one of those days.

I'm sure you had tongue firmly planted in cheek when you wrote this, and I can appreciate that. But I'm to a place where I'm glad that real issues are overriding the vapid tabloid culture we've been living in.

Having to hear, whether I wanted to or not, about Brittany, Paris, Lindsay, their siblings and who they're dating has me ready to commit ritual Seppuku with a really dull butter knife.

I hate to say it but I don't care about the celebrity machine as much as I care about having reasonably priced fuel for home and car. That is until we, as a society, really embrace alternative, clean fuel for vehicals.

That's just my take.

KEN LEVINE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KEN LEVINE said...

Shadows,

I am being facetious. Instead of the important issues of the day, too many people focus on inconsequential shit. Who gives a shit if Lara Logan is pregnant??

olucy said...

What? Are you new?

I can't believe you're blogging about something this inconsequential, when A-Rod, C-Rod and Madonna are ready to deliver us a solid. That spans music and sports, no less.

Get your head out of your butt. You are so last week.

AlaskaRay said...

>>xjill said...
Dude. Was the teenager a minor??<<

Dude. I think she was the nanny. I'm not sure if she might have done some mining in the past as training for the gold digging she's been doing recently.

Ray

jbryant said...

tom: I always thought Norm's "blooper" was just the way the scene was written. He couldn't get through the speech straight-faced because he knew that he and the others would never actually quit living vicariously through Sam.

Stacey said...

I, too, always thought Norm's break and laughter was part of the scene, not a blooper. Sometimes ad libbing, even unintentionally, can be funnier than the actual dialogue. Like finding a diamond in the ruff, I suppose.

And who the eff is this Laura chick and why do we care if she's knocked up? Is it supposed to be Anderson Cooper's love child/donated sperm a la Gaykin and that's the reason everyone is freaking out???

*scratching head*

I'm not getting it. Do I have to Google her soon to be fat ass? 'Cuz I would... if I cared enough. And I'm fairly sure I probably don't.

Anonymous said...

The aristocrats!

and speaking of old jokes, "the terrorist have won" is even funier and fresher than "the french surrender". How do you come up with all this new material, Ken?

bevo said...

The last time an attractive blonde was involved in a sex scandal that came to light during divorce proceedings, a black man now stands one election away from being elected president of the United States.

So, pay attention kids. Because who knows how this divorce will affect future elections.

Wayne said...

Is it just me or does Peter Cook look like a young movie star Robert Wagner?
Nowaways Robert Wagner does ads for the Seniors Lending Network. And Peter Cook is masturbating in front of his webcam. So both can be seen late night lending a hand!

Anonymous said...

here's some inconsequential shit i got pulled into at my temporary digs in santa monica this morning.
one of my neighbors was watering her flowers in a housecoat and sneakers. she was sporting a shiner and i know her hubby, larry, didn't give it to her. he's a retired dope smoking lawyer and rides his bike on the boardwalk in venice. he's got a bad back and a crush on some actress from a viagra commercial. (from his lips to gods ears)so, she's watering and barely says hello before she starts explaining she just had her "shots". then she points to a girdle type corsetted contraption hanging on the clothersline, lifts her shirt and whispers conspiratorially to me..."tummy tuck" and then goes on to let me know she didn't actually "cut" her face but that it's maintenance... as in fillers....i'm thinking to myself that she is too old for this shit! i'm the one who should be shooting myself smooth creaseless and furrow free and here is this grandmother who is footloose and fancy free...just like washing the car or balancing the books at her boutique shop...i'm gonna try and snap a secret pic of her tomorrow and post it.
my neighbors in the next building are dealing drugs in the common walkway at all hours of the day and night. i have it on my sony video camera. the jackass directly across form me beats his dog. i keep calling the police and they keep coming out. he is usually naked in his kitchen for all to see. the woman in the apartment above me is 80 plus and keeps telling me how she sees his playgorund equipment as she has a grade a vantage point from above. i will ask her if i can video him from above and maybe ken will let me post all this inconsequential shit.
i'm dumbfounded that govenor arnold expects 8th graders to tackle algebra with basically no heads up. pissed at jesse jackson. concerned about iran. riding my bike instead of driving. watching my portfolio evaporate. childrens do learn....
ken, what about an inconsequential shit summer time contest?
sincerely, jswn

TCinLA said...

Ken: I am amazed you would ask the question.

Most of the TV viewers you would be looking for are saying "who's Christie Brinkley?" Followed by "Oooooh, ick! She's really old!!"

That happens, BTW, to be the answer. She's old enough to be Mom to 98% of the audience for this sort of public porn.