Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'M A CELEBRITY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

As you know I’m always on the lookout for the next really terrible reality show. It’s my mission in life. Well, I’ve found it. NBC’s I’M A CELEBRITY! GET ME OUT OF HERE! It’s on every night this week. I have no idea what its regular time slot is or how long it’s slated to continue. But I watched the big two-hour show on Monday night and am happy to report it was jaw dropping.

Here’s the premise: F list celebrities play a form of SURVIVOR to ultimately become the king or queen of the jungle. They’re playing for charity, which is apparently a euphemism for “trying to desperately revive their careers”. There are challenges and immunity competitions that are supposed to be important for some reason but I have no idea why. They were just a confusing mess.

America gets to vote from time to time and some segments of the show are live and… I have no fucking clue what they’re trying to achieve here.

But none of that matters. When you’re watching a train wreck you don’t care what the menu in the dining car features.

By the time I had caught up with I’M A CELEBRITY! GET ME OUT OF HERE! mega-stars Heidi & Spencer from THE HILLS had already quit. Apparently someone stole her shampoo. In retaliation, Spencer hid former pro wrestler Torrie Wilson’s bag. Heidi explained away his behavior by saying “My husband is a very new Christian”. Heidi also spent a night vomiting and it turns out it wasn’t on purpose.

Daniel Baldwin (who replaced Spencer) has already been eliminated along with those titans of comedy, Frangela.

So here’s who’s left:

Torrie Wilson, former WWE wrestler, Playboy model, and now has her own clothing line.

Stephen Baldwin – the Fredo of the Baldwin brothers.

Sanjaya – former AMERICAN IDOL loser/national joke billed as “Pop Star”.

Holly Montag – (I know. “Who??”) Her claim to fame is that she’s Heidi’s sister. What a coup to get her on the show.

John Salley – former NBA sorta star.

Janice Dickinson – self appointed “World’s First Supermodel”. Total whack job. Already distinguished herself in the fifth season of THE SURREAL WORLD by being in a bowling tournament with kids with “special needs” and ripping them because they weren’t better bowlers.

Lou Diamond Philips – Once had a huge feature career, now reduced to eating a tarantula to win a food challenge.

And maybe the biggest brightest star in the entire galaxy: Patti Blagojevich – wife of former Illinois governor soon to be prison inmate Rod Blagojevich. Not exactly an Oscar winner but she is a licensed real estate broker. What I missed from those early episodes was Spencer telling Patti that Rod would have his vote for president.

The hosts are Damien somebody who just stands around and Myleene Klass, who of course needs no introduction.

Like SURVIVOR they live in a jungle camp. This one’s in Costa Rica. They sleep in what appears to be canvass cocoons. And if none of this was humiliating enough, they all wear T-shirts with the telephone number to call to vote for them on the back.

Some recent highlights:

Patti Blagojevich crying about how she’s probably going to jail.

Janice Dickinson unable to take a dump for nine days.

Sanjaya and Torrie competing in the “Tunnel of Terror”. They had to go through this sewer fighting rats and spiders and crayfish for plastic stars. Favorite part – swimming through this green gunk while baby alligators are literally shot into the water.

The gang commiserating with each other on how hard it is to be a celebrity. Stephen Baldwin said, “Me and Danny and Alec and Billy are just like four regular guys from Long Island… unless I have to get a restaurant reservation last minute and can’t. Then I’m all ‘do you know who my brother is?’”

A couple of snakes enter the campgrounds while they’re all sleeping. From out of nowhere three “On Site Security” ninjas burst in wearing camouflage fatigues. But they round up the snakes quietly. God forbid they wake up Holly Montag.

Janice and Sanjaya having a bit of a tiff over the amount of French fries Sanjaya was cooking. She insisted he throw in more but he feared the larger batch wouldn’t be crispy enough. Where was America to vote and settle this ugly dispute?

I’M A HAS-BEEN OR NEVER-WERE! GET ME OUT OF HERE! The only thing sadder than these participants are the people at home who vote for them.

40 comments:

Richard Cooper said...

The snake catching ninjas (my favorite scene) should have a bigger role next time, perhaps waiting a tiny bit longer to appear until a celebrity is in a python's death grip...

The Milner Coupe said...

Great.

If you hadn't reviewed this hemroid, I could have happily survived never having heard of it. Thanks for nothing. This is worse than that internet clip someone e-mailed me. You know, the one with the bald guy and the chick with heavy make-up. What? Oh sure...now the shoe's on the other foot.

emily said...

Is there some sort of creativity sinkhole at NBC? Maybe they should just throw in the towel and sell the whole network on Ebay. Unless Grant Tinker wants to take one last shot at it...

Isabel Princes said...

Haha! I did a short little blurb on my blog about my husband voting...for sanjay...and it was busy...so he kept trying

Anonymous said...

The only thing worse on NBC was a hockey game. Yeah it was the "Stanley Cup", but it's still a hockey game...ugh!

Matt said...

Did Janice Dickinson bowl with President Anointed One in her bowling tournament? Did they bowl better than he did?

J S Swanson said...

Apparently, these days NBC is the acronym for Nothing But Crap. I know some of you will say: " But what about 30 rock. That's a good show. " Framkly, unless Elaine Stritch or Nathan Lane are guesting, you can have it. Come to think of it, Lane's character on 30 Rock ran a charity called Chicago All Saints Hospital ( don't bother writing the whole name out on the check - just use the acronym ...)

Has anyone checked to see if that's one of the charities sponsoring this waste of time?

Angie said...

Not everything America 'borrows' from the British is good...

Janice Dickinson has already been in the British version, set in Australia. Guess she didn't get enough work from that.

Tim W. said...

I have two questions. One: What happened to Lou Diamond Phillips' career and two: How on earth is doing this supposed to help it?

Dan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dan said...

They had this on when I was at the gym. Every time I looked at it I would just laugh. It is awful. I couldn't even hear it and I could tell that it was crap. The snake catching ninjas (thanks Richard) were hilarious.

The only way that it wouldn't have been funny, is that if I had actually chosen to watch this. Thanks for taking another one for the team Ken.

{NiCeGuY} said...

Who was in charge of the casting???

Seriously, when your biggest star is Stephen Baldwin you got a problem.

Bring a former survivor player, Jose Canseco, Omarosa...

Holly Montag? Frangela? That's the best they could do?

D. McEwan said...

"Stephen Baldwin said, 'Me and Danny and Alec and Billy are just like four regular guys from Long Island… unless I have to get a restaurant reservation last minute and can’t. Then I’m all ‘do you know who my brother is?’"

Lest anyone think that was a Ken Levine hyberole gag, I can testify that was word-for-word what Stephen "I'm a Christian and a Republican" Baldwin ACTUALLY SAID.

I've obsessively watched every episode, because:

1. It's June, nothing else is on. and

2. It's so hypnotically atrocious I can not believe what I'm seeing. SURVIVOR is the Summer Olympics next to this.

One highlght you missed from Heidi and Spencer's time on the show (In which Spencer Pratt loudly complained that they were "Too big a pair fo stars" to appear with these nobodies. He thinks he's a star!), was Stephen Baldwin baptizing him in that river. And LOTS of shout-outs to Jesus, who is apprently (according to Heidi) deeply involved with everything that happens on this show. I kept waiting to ehar Jesus echo from the skies: "LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS!"

Janice Dickenson, wearing a face that looks like it was skinned off a corpse and grafter onto her skull, is insane, and filthy. She keeps urinating IN THE CAMP, and then denying it when we all saw it on camera. She's also the one stealing from everyone else's supplies. And even at that, she is more likable than Heidi and Spencer, who are raving ratbags.

The weirdest thing about it is Sanjaya is coming across and reasonable and sane and likable.

I had never heard of Frangela before, but they were at least sane and pleasant. John Sally is coming across as a dreadful person. Janice is garbage.

Lou Diamond Phillips, on getting a phone call from home said his baby had grown since he'd left. He's been there two weeks.

And they're all pudgy and out of shape.

Terrible, terrible show. But I'm unable to stop watching it.

Ray said...

In the UK version, the plastic stars get you food. no stars - no food.
Definitely no french fries.

Willy B. Good said...

I'm very impressed with Janice Dickerson not having a dump for nine days as that takes real intestinal fortitude and is a sure sign she has what it takes to be another crap celebrity star.

sephim said...

I thought Frangela was what Frank Langella's friends called him.

playfull said...

We have had several series here in the UK – the very funny presenters actually carry the show.
The best bit of the whole show for me is the bit at the very beginning when all the ‘Celebrities’ initially meet, and of course are so well known that they have to introduce themselves to each other and describe what they do!

benson said...

Think of the show as pre-production for a new show a few years down the line, along the lines of MST 3000. (Which come to think of it, is pretty much what the comments page here is also)

sonderangerbot said...

Wow. This show thankfully isn't on here (yet that is), but this was still a great post. "Do you know who my brother is?" Lol!

Nathan said...

I haven't seen this one yet (oh, the horrors...just think what I'm missing), but I did watch 20 minutes or so of "Hitched or Ditched". Sorry, you'll have to Google which faux-network it's on.

Anyway, the producers kept bringing an ex-boyfriend around, claiming he was obsessed and trying to break up the wedding so the groom(?) could threaten to beat him up and the camera crew could hold them apart.

Yes! This is what Murrow dreamed of!

Anonymous said...

And the very best of all - is the Al Roker interview with Heidi and Spencer. You just can't write this stuff.

Mary Stella said...

Clearly I don't need to worry about being slavishly addicted to reality television. Add this to the list of ones that I don't watch!

Mary Stella said...

Clearly I don't need to worry about being slavishly addicted to reality television. Add this to the list of ones that I don't watch!

Emily Blake said...

I could give a rat's ass about the rest of those people, but Jesus, Lou Diamond Phillips? What happened?

bjdwsm said...

I once wrote a fake review for something called "Celebrity Hungry Hungry Hippos", where instead of F-listers trying to extend their 15 minutes of fame, actors who willfully retired from Hollywood (such as Jan Smithers and Sagan Lewis) are forced to compete against their will by Dave Coulier.

I have a feeling that's what's next...or, if they want to sink to a new lack of ethics (and legality), force former TV doctors to practise medicine on a reality show.

Ben said...

With the exception of Alec, aren't they all Fredos?

blogward said...

Ken - have you ever seen 'Coach Trip'? It's a show in the UK where 12 pairs of people tour Europe in a coach (a bus) and see the sights but at the end of each day they vote against their least favourite couple. Lose two votes and you go home. It's fantastic.

WV: wilip = Wile E. Coyote's younger brother.

olucy said...

Seriously, the last time I checked, Lou Diamond Phillips was still working on some decent shows and hadn't sunk to this level.

What happened, indeed?

Rock Golf said...

Best line ever on a celebrity reality show: Hells Kitchen UK. The host says "The dishes have been cleaned, and washed-up celebrities are putting them away.
"I'm sorry, the dishes have been cleaned and washed up. Celebrities are putting them away."

AlaskaRay said...

Ken, I've known you for many years, so I hope you'll pardon me when I say that I've noticed that sometimes you will exaggerate because it's funny. I hadn't watched this show before because I thought it would suck, so I watched it today. I assumed your negative comments were a gross overstatement... they weren't. What a stinker! You'll be getting my bill for the 10 minutes I wasted.

Ray

WV: restrus - the new chain of gas station pay restrooms.

Dave Mackey said...

You want wack job? Allegedly, Janice Dickinson used to date Jon Lovitz. Riiiiight.

WV: "smorn" - sunrise on a camping trip.

D. McEwan said...

"Dave Mackey said...
You want wack job? Allegedly, Janice Dickinson used to date Jon Lovitz."

Poor Jon. I had no idea he was ever THAT desperate.

Tallulah Morehead said...

I was offered this show, but I am not that desperate. It's only been a mere 40 years since my last movie.

I counter-offered to do I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME A DRINK. We were negotiating until I learned my drinking buddies would include Stephen Baldwin (who needs the prosyltizing?), Speidi (Even I have SOME standards), and Janice Dickenson (A zombie who thinks she's still sexy That's MY gig!), and I said NO!

Mike Bell said...

Ken,

Is that a photo of Janice Dickinson...?

Or is it a photo of Megan Fox from the FUUUUUTURE!?

Karen Scott said...

Our version (UK) is obviously better than yours since we at least know who the z-listers are, and the hosts here are very funny.

It's a really popular show over here, Myleene Klasse was one of the contestants a few years ago. She's a great pianist by the way.

Warren Fleece said...

On my way now to pitch "I'M A NOBODY! CAN I COME IN?"

Anonymous said...

I have to admit I've been watching the show, since there really isn't much else on. And it's as horrible (but strangely addictive) as Ken has described.

What's really weird, though, is I sort of like most of these people, although I initially had no idea who they were. Speidi were evil and must be destroyed, but Holly seems like a lovely, normal, girl. Sanjaya seems like your basic, decent 19 year-old, and Torrie is quite likeable. Patti B is living in denial, and if I didn't know what a rotten politician she is (never mind hubby), I might have been tricked into thinking she's just some soccer mom. Stephen Baldwin is a jerk; I liked John Salley until he showed his bully/bitchy side; and Janice is simply a freak of nature and needs to be studied.

Lou Diamond Phillips, on the other hand, simply does not belong on some stupid reality show. The guy has actual talent and tons of integrity. I can't imagine what brought him to this, since he's still landing decent guest starring roles.

Barking Up Trees said...

the brett favre/hamlet kabuki theater...

somebody please knee-cap that tiresome bastard... ??

gotta be a reality show in there somewhere...

playfull said...

New format for a Celeb based reality show -

http://perrywilsher.blogspot.com/

You just never know...

Anonymous said...

A really blated post - the show is only just showing here in the bottom (lovely) half of the world, and being on leave, i have unwittingly become hooked on it! just had heidi's sister join in. mainly I'm waiting to see what else janice gets up to and gets away with, tho' no doubt she's outa there soon. Am sure all of her actions were pre-arranged to ensure drama and friction, as that is what these shows thrive on. mardip - nz