Wednesday, June 24, 2009

More Misc-Takes

Jon & Kate are getting divorced. Yes, this will be very hard on the family, especially the eight kinder but forget all that, the ratings for JON & KATE PLUS EIGHT went through the roof! 10.6 million last Monday night!! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes -- you want your careers to take off again??? TOM & KATE PLUS ONE. I'm just sayin'.

BIG LOVE could use this ploy three separate times.

Barbara Walters, the self-appointed guardian of the sanctity of marriage said, “"If you have more than five children, you shouldn't be allowed to get divorced." Ms. Walters has been divorced three times and has slept with married men.

Porno films love to use variations of popular titles. How soon till there’s a KATE PLUS EIGHT orgy flick in release?

Fans of Earl Pomerantz's blog: he's having technical difficulties and has been unable to post the last few days. Like me, he's computer, uh challenged and doesn't know how to fix it. If you're computer savvy drop him an email. He's depending on the kindness of strangers. Thanks.

No, I don’t get any royalties for creating (along with partner David) the name Isotopes for a SIMPSONS episode that now has been adopted by the Albuquerque minor league baseball team. But in lieu of money I’d like a statue in front of the ballpark. Me at a computer with maybe a thought-bubble over my head. Don't you think that's the least they could do?

First CBS NEWS broke into programming to report on the bombing of London. Now ESPN NEWS breaks into programming to show the Manny Ramirez at-bats for the Albuquerque Isotopes. The Pacific Coast League Western Division pennant race might well be hanging in the balance!

When Manny returns to the Dodgers (and ESPN NEWS breaks in every time he goes to the Gatorade bucket), do you think there might be one or two syringes thrown onto the field when he plays in New York? I will be there to let you know. I will be traveling with the Dodgers on Manny’s first trip.

Corporate naming rights continue. It’s bad enough there’s Minute Maid Park in Houston or Citibank Field in New York (which should be called “Taxpayers Field”), but now the New York MTA has sold naming rights to a subway stop. The nexus of subway stops at Atlantic Avenue, Pacific Street and Flatbush Avenue in Downtown Brooklyn will now be preceded by “Barclays”. Price: $4 million. Trust me, the day is coming when we’ll all be paying our respects at the “Wendy’s Arlington National Cemetery”.

Phil Spector is in “sensitive needs” prison. He can still become someone’s bitch but his feelings must be taken seriously.

Stephen Baldwin has quit I’M A CELEBRITY – GET ME OUT OF HERE. Reason: Too many insect bites. Jesus, when Janice Dickinson can stick it out, how big of a wuss are you?

But at least too many insect bites is an explanation I could buy. If he had said he was leaving because he had a movie offer that NO one would have believed.

I now have a date for my free teleseminar. July 25th. Details here.

The Bolivian News Channel (PAT) aired exclusive photos of that tragic Air France airplane crash. Dramatic shots right inside the cabin. Then they learned they actually aired shots from the pilot of LOST.

Phil Jackson wants to coach the Lakers again… but only at home. Either Kurt Rambis will coach on the road or Phil will do it through Twitter.

Should this become a sort of regular feature? It's kinda fun to do.

35 comments:

A. Buck Short said...

I was kind of thinking BUBBLE HEAD of you over a computer, presented to every fan who arrives at the park with a fond remembrance of Big Wave Dave’s.

Stephen Baldwin played 3-time world champion bull….er…rider Tuff Hedeman, opposite Luke Perry in the picture “Eight Seconds.” I remember, we had the wrap party at Billy Bob’s, because we decided Perry was too much of a star to be the recipient of some lame presentation like the millionth Key to the City of Dallas. So I had Kay Granger, who was the mayor, present him with the Garage Door Opener to Fort Worth. Lately I sorta figgered Mr. Baldwin’s stint on I’m a Celebrity was just a pathetic attempt to amass his remaining 14 minutes 52 seconds. But that may just be the sarsaparilla talkin’.

BTW, wouldn’t it be even sweller if Gov. Sanford’s affair in Argentina was actually the cover story? Think of the other ghastly possibilities. Like he actually was on that weeklong hike in Deliverance country, capping it all off at a Mount Airy B&B gittin’ his ass buggered by the genuinely illiterate toothless Herbert “Cowboy” Coward from that movie? Which I still can’t believe was written by a guy named Dickey. Dada dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dada dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

Yes this gig has great potential. Can you send over a treatment? But damn! The 25th is my Canasta night.

rob! said...

Ms. Walters has been divorced three times and has slept with married men.

Man, that Mark Sanford gets around!

Geoff said...

So do you get royalties for the time you did the voice of the Springfield stadium announcer?

John said...

I kind of figured the natural conclusion of the Jon & Kate thing would be for TLC to try and hook Jon up with Octomom, and then have an envious Kate down a barrel full of fertility drugs before doing the nasty with her bodyguard in a desperate attempt to catch up in the baby count battle.

Tim W. said...

"The Bolivian News Channel (PAT) aired exclusive photos of that tragic Air France airplane crash. Dramatic shots right inside the cabin. Then they learned they actually aired shots from the pilot of LOST."

Did this seriously happen? Or am I just incredibly naive tonight?

As for Stephen Baldwin, I'll always remember him from the Usual Suspects where he played somebody who was definitely not a born again Christian. He was pretty damn good in that movie, too.

Paul said...

Have you ever seen Janice Dickinson? That woman's a monster.

Shelia said...

Ok, people, Mark Sanford is my governor - yes, you may send waves of pity ... accompanied by chocolate, please -- and all I can say is I know the rest of the country is wishing we'd have stuck to that secession thing way back when.

(Upside: the jokes have started. 1) He refused the stimulus package money because he was getting his package stimulated in Argentina. 2) He went to Argentina to get away from all the Spanish-speaking people in SC. 3) Thanks, Gov, for reminding people that South Carolinians are stupid about geography. "Appalachia, Argentina, they'll never know the difference.")

Ken, yes you should make this a regular thing. Fun read!

Dave Mackey said...

"Dancin' Homer" was one of my favorite early Simpsons episodes. Thanks for writing it.

D. McEwan said...

A young woman of my lifelong acquaintence, whom I am sure would like her identity kept out of this, had six children with her husband before finding his computer stuffed full of child porn, some of it naked pictures of a neighbor's 10 year old daughter which her husband had taken.

Is Barbara walters stating that she shouldn't have the right to DIVORCE this perv after calling the cops on him? (She IMMEDIATELY called the police!) Let Babs Walters marry the creep, when he gets out. What a douchebag Walters is. As if putting Elizabeth Hasslebeck on TV weren't crime against humanity enought!

sonderangerbot said...

Explain this to a foreigner: there really is an Albuquerque Isotopes now? That's funny since there is a whole Simpsons episode where the mighty mayor of Albuquerque tries to buy the Springfield team. Life imitates Bart once again...

That Neil Guy said...

Naming rights gone wild: in David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest, the years were no longer referred to by numbers, they were named. The novel took place in the Year of the Depends Adult Undergarment.

Ref said...

Hah! I'd bet that Spector would much rather be locked away for life than to have that picture published. Now he gets both. He looks like Wally Shawn's uglier brother.

Vermonter17032 said...

Who and/or what are JON & KATE? I must be totally clueless. Yes, you should do this regularly, but maybe you could include a glossary for pop-culture morons like me.

DJ said...

Selling naming rights to the terminus is actually a sort of marketing tie-in for the MTA. Bruce Ratner is trying to build an arena on the site that would be the new home of the NBA's New Jersey Nets (they'd be renamed for Brooklyn). The proposed arena would be called the Barclays Center.

Sort of like the Arsenal station in London's Underground, which is located near the site of the soccer team's old Highbury stadium. I don't think Arsenal got any money on the deal, though.

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed the monologue. Now, who are tonight's guests?

Brian Phillips said...

FRIDAY QUESTION: I have seen your name various times listed as "Creative Consultant". What are the duties of the Creative Consultant?

Dana King said...

Absolutely you should continue these. They're a lot of fun to read, too.

My word verification is "hoseater." There has to be a Paris Hilton (or some starlet you mentioned in the earlier sex tape post) joke in there somewhere.

Raymond said...

@Brian Phillips: Ken discussed the meaning of "Creative Consultant" in an earlier blog post.

PS, I like this style of article. Just don't make it too long or I get tired.

bevo said...

Jerry Buss, owner of the Lakers, agreed that if things work out for the 2009-2010 season, then Phil Jackson can coach from home for the 2010-2011 season.

Yes, folks, this joke is what you get when the amateur gets a turn.

LouOCNY said...

I almost feel sorry for the Roloff family of LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD - the best (or worst, depending on your outlook) they can come up with is the dad getting a DUI.....

Now maybe if the 15 yr old daughter could get pregnant by one of the cameramen, and have quadruplets - 4 of them dwarfs, four 'normal'....

SharoneRosen said...

I always love when you do columns like this.. keep it, I say!

Gridlock said...

"Sort of like the Arsenal station in London's Underground, which is located near the site of the soccer team's old Highbury stadium. I don't think Arsenal got any money on the deal, though."

Umm, Arsenal (the station) and Arsenal (the football club, AKA "the gunners") are both named after a local feature.

I can't recall what it is, but it's on the tip of my tongue.

DJ said...

Umm, Arsenal (the station) and Arsenal (the football club, AKA "the gunners") are both named after a local feature.

I can't recall what it is, but it's on the tip of my tongue.


Woolwich Arsenal. Which was, IIRC, not in North London.

Roger Owen Green said...

Vermonter17032 - I had NO idea who Jon and Kate were until last month. They're a couple with a set of twins and a set of sextuplets who are the stars of a "reality" show on cable. Their marriage is now in the dumpster - the things you find out on the Twitter trends - and now I can't avoid them, as much as I try.

Michael Green said...

Years ago, I saw a stand-up comic who said the next step after naming rights was sponsorship of individual plays: "There's an immodium ground ball to the metamucil second baseman. He throws to the milk of magnesia shortstop for one, back to the kaopectate first baseman for an ex-lax double play."

My first thought was, only Vin could handle it.

And, yes, keep doing these. Jimmy Cannon would be proud. Now, THERE'S an old sportswriter reference for you.

Alice said...

Yes definitely continue with this kinds of posts.

Please.

Vermonter17032 said...

@Roger Owen Green - Thank you for the clarification about who and what Jon & Kate is/are. I suddenly don't feel so bad for being ill-informed.

brigadude said...

Should this become a sort of regular feature? It's kinda fun to do.

Oh, please, Ken, yes. And also, please keep asking questions that allow us to tell you how wonderful you are.

Sandy Koufax said...

Ken...

I love the "Misc-Takes" column. PLEASE do it more often. It reminds me of Bud Furillo's old "Notes On A Scorecard".

Sebastian said...

I thought you already did this format before - only with longer sentences.

Sure, keep them coming, but again - you do this all the time when you don't see enough reason for a long post but rather just short tidbits strung together into one bigger blog post.

But I guess what you don't see here is, instead of bundling them up for one post, is shorten them a bit and put them on Twitter.

A former gaming magazine author who now works for Microsoft does it here in germany - I got tired of writing up long blog posts with coherent sentences and conclusions together with long discussions he had to moderate and slowly but surely shifted over to twitter for the little funny blurps he thought about during the day.

Trust me, you should really start this. You can't me more boring than Eliza Dushku who has 45000 followers and is blogging the most mindnumbingly BS you can imagine. And this way you'd connect with your readers during the day, not only once a day. People could reed it while they are on the road and a tiny funny take by you, easily readable on a small screen like a mobile phone held in your hand is what would most likely lure more people here, especially when they retweet your funny stuff.

Try it Ken, it's do wonders for you, I promise.

Rock Golf said...

Favorite excuse for Gov. Sanford going to South America (that I came up with myself):
"I wish to invoke my Carmen Miranda rights"

Favorite excuse for Gov. Sanford going to South America (that I only wish I'd come up with):
"I was exploring offshore drilling."

D. McEwan said...

"Vermonter17032 said...
Who and/or what are JON & KATE? I must be totally clueless."

Sadly I didn't see your comment in time to advise you that this is definitly a case where ignorance is bliss, and to suggest you retract your question before someone answered it. Too late now.

I'd carefully avoided them since learning of their existence a few years ago by seeing clips of them on THE SOUP, where it was at once apparent that Kate was a controlling shrew, and Jon is dead inside, and dying a little bit more every time he made a comment, along the lines of "Uh, could I...?" before Kate told him to shut up; she was talking.

I predicted after seeing them only once, on THE SOUP, a few years ago, that their marriage was doomed. They are now divorcing, and the media is massively covering it, as though they were remotely interesting, which they are not. If the Obamas announced they were divorcing, it wouldn't get as much coverage. The only even-close-to-interesting aspect of their break up is that it's due to Jon's cheating on Kate (Who could blame him?), rather than his killing her with an ax, which is what I predicted would happen. Of course he may still kill her, with any luck, on the air. And if he does, and they run clips from the show in court, no jury will convict him, and the kids may give him a medal.

"Raymond said...
PS, I like this style of article. Just don't make it too long or I get tired."

Maybe you could take a short nap, and then finish reading it. Perhaps you could provide a word-number Ken could use as a limit, so he'll know when to stop writing so one attention-deficit reader out there won't get too weary.

Some of us like meals more than snacks. Twitter is destroying what's left of America's attention-spans.

"Vermonter17032 said...
@Roger Owen Green - Thank you for the clarification about who and what Jon & Kate is/are. I suddenly don't feel so bad for being ill-informed."

Darling, it is those of us who have the misfortune of knowing who they are who are "ill-informed."

WV: dotstr, where Dorothy lived before arriving in Oz.

Kirk Jusko said...

Mr Pomerantz can always use the computers at the public library.

Unless they're threatening to cut the funding like they are here in Ohio.

carlae said...

I think Quizno's should sponsor all underground transit systems...that would confuse a bunch of people.

Ger Apeldoorn said...

Do one each month and do a best of the year in december, just like Dave Barry use to do.