Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Attention mourners: Michael Jackson will have public viewing!

This just in, the Michael Jackson show continues, even in death.

The family is reporting that there will soon be a public viewing at his Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. I’m sure it will be a tasteful affair. No one would be so crass as to sell t-shirts, jackets, posters, candles, CD’s, silver gloves, post cards, hyperbaric oxygen chambers, DVD’s, memorial baseball caps, webkinz, Captain EO masks, Michael Jackson action figures, Michael Jackson as California Raisin action figures, authorized biographies, Michael Jackson Mastercards, Wiz soundtracks, Jackson 5 lunch pails, underwear, trading cards, puppets, mug shots, records, clocks, bed sheets, clods of Neverland dirt, calendars, ticket books to Neverland rides, King of Pop dolls, Black and White singing dolls, pins, badges, Lisa Marie Presley wedding invitations, Jehovah’s Witness brochures, last photos, 911 recordings, Neverland ant farms, afro wigs, sunglasses, shot glasses, comic books, stuffed animal of Ben the rat, flashlights, karaoke tapes, chia pets, helium balloons (inhale them and talk like Michael), shampoo, bobbleheads (collect all 5), Joe Jackson pimp suits, socks, Butterfield 8 DVD’s, Lucite frames, blow ups of Janet’s wardrobe malfunction, courtroom artists’ renderings, foam fingers, tampons, beach towels, crying towels, deposition reprints, life size cardboards (size 8 years old – adult), pillows, and woochies.

The news media will certainly respect the family’s privacy and not trot out every news van, satellite dish, production truck, helicopter, klieg light, and microphone in America. There will be no photographers, no anchors, no field reporters, no TMZ stringers, no Jesse Jackson.

Opportunistic concessionaires won’t be just off site selling Moonwok stir fry, PYT (pink yam tamales), Billie Jean burgers, black and white cookies, Thriller chillers, Beet It borscht, Doggone hot dogs, Dangerous chili, King of lollipops, and King of soda Pop.

Ultimately the services will be private… whatever that means.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

"woochies"????

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I think a turnstile like they use on the New York subways draped in black crepe (bleached to an ivory hue) would be appropriate. Tokens could sell for $20 each and the proceeds fund any molestation payoffs that might be needed in the future.

WV: frooke. Another term for Michael Jackson

Rory L. Aronsky said...

I say to those opportunists: Sell everything you can! Make the U.S. economy rapidly improve.

John said...

Hey, if Al Sharpton has his way, Michael's going to still make an appearance at the Apollo, with a 40-city "Thriller -- The Afterlife" tour to no doubt follow.

Mike bell said...

Awwww...really? Uhmmm....errr...ahh...no.

A. Buck Short said...

I think this cartoon pretty much sums up the coverage so far. I have come to truly feel sorry he's gone, for his family and everyone who recognized his talent.
But when I read your line from some spectator the other day comparing MJ to MLK, I had only one thought -- no he's not yet up there with Martin Luther King. The white folks in every city in America should only allow their second worst street to be named after him.

D. McEwan said...

They might just as well take the body on the fifty concert tour. Given the shape he was in ("brink of Death" apparently), a quick look at him doing a simple moonwalk and lipsynching an old hit and then off stage while pyrotechnics put on a show was all the concerts could ever have been anyway, had he managed to survive long enough to attempt them.

Now, instead of performing oldies, they could run his successive noses by on a conveyor belt, along with the names of their "doners."

Last night, as a "tribute," Fox reaired AMERICAN IDOL'S "Michael Jackson Theme Night" from earlier this year. What an odd way to pay tribute to him. Watching David Gokey cover a Jackson song, and then Adam Lambert cover one. Yikes! Well, Adam is as gay, and Gokey is as white.

And now his kids aren't even properly adopted. We knew they weren't "his," but it now turns out that they also weren't his. Rentals rather than purchases.

This circus is here for a LONG stay.

gottacook said...

Here in the Washington, DC area, the supposedly most serious, least sensational, of the four local news stations offered several minutes of grieving-fan coverage this evening BEFORE getting around to a (shorter) segment about Sen.-elect Al Franken's Minnesota Supreme Court victory and Norm Coleman's concession. Again: This was a news broadcast in Washington, DC!

Oh, and the Washington Post (to which we still subscribe daily) is offering a pricey "special commemorative edition" fake front page that never had ordinary circulation (see story "Washington Post Fakes Own Front Page for Profit," http://photobusinessforum.blogspot.com/2009/06/washington-post-fakes-own-front-page.html). Like there's not enough real news to devote dwindling journalistic resources to...

WV: rather appropriate: "decomp"!

$vegasJoevulgarvulture$ said...

will the vegas papa joe vulgar vulture be charging an entrance fee at the gates?
or will he be offerin' up some kinda buy one get one free...and i'd like to inrodcue you to my partner marshall...marshall and i have this sorta blue-ray blue tooth record company with all kind o big acts comin up and why not just tie this baby all together nice n tight like and get this mother money maker rollin' if you knows what i mean....i got me all kinds of ideas with big $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ wait, why are my eyes all blurry with all these $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ signs all up in here inside my pupils. my hat is supposetobe shielding the sun from scorching my $$$$$$$ heartfelt deal making mecca...i wish i could sleep but i just can't there's just so much $$$$$$$$$$$$$ to be made and so little cents , i mean sense and did somebody just die

Willy B. Good said...

They should consult James Brown's family about how to conduct a tasteful private ceremony though I'm sure they will be in good hands with Revs Al and Jesse, thank God for good honest caring preachers!

Joe Jackson said...

And don't forget to look for my new record label in stores now.

Fitz said...

I know there will be some traffic control, security, etc. but the most important safety tip is this - please, please please (no pun intended) DO NOT PUT YOURSELF BETWEEN JESSE JACKSON AND A CAMERA!!

Mark

Anonymous said...

This just in from Apple Computer. There will be a Michael jackson Special Edition iPod. Out of the box, it'll be black. Over time, it'll turn white

jackscribe said...

Just in time for the holiday traffic exiting L.A. It will be a fitting career highlight for Larry King if he covers the event live. BTW, isn't Neverland being held as collateral for one of Michael's loans?

Tom Quigley said...

On top of all this, now there's the news that apparently a will has been located, which I'm sure will ultimately be looked upon as a fake, since it begins: "I, Michael Jackson, being of sound mind..."

BTW, how many bus tour services are already arranging charter trips to Santa Inez on Friday and Saturday ("Celebrate the Fourth with a Stiff")? -- And what's Joe's cut of that action?...

Roger Owen Green said...

Joe Jackson - are you the singer or MJ's dad?

AlaskaRay said...

>>The family is reporting that there will soon be a public viewing at his Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. I’m sure it will be a tasteful affair.<<

As soon as I heard about the viewing, I was desperate to get tickets. I finally found a scalper on line selling them for $200 each. What a deal!

Ray

JJones said...

The negative influence of the teachings of the Jehovah's Witnesses on Michael and his family have been either downplayed or totally ignored for as long as the Jackson Family has received public attention. For those readers who really want to know what life is like to be reared in the WatchTower Cult, nothing beats real world scenarios, and of real world scenarios, nothing beats actual civil and criminal court cases.

The following website summarizes 900 court cases and lawsuits involving children of Jehovah's Witness Parents. The summaries demonstrate how JW Families rear their children and live life day-to-day. Also included are nearly 400 CRIMINAL cases -- most involving MURDERS:

DIVORCE, BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS, AND OTHER LEGAL ISSUES AFFECTING CHILDREN OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

http://jwdivorces.bravehost.com


Excerpts from LaToya Jackson's own 1991 biography, LATOTA: GROWING UP IN THE JACKSON FAMILY:

" ... neither I nor my siblings ever led a normal existence, not even as small children, years before celebrity transformed our lives. We were a not-so-typical but classic dysfunctional family. Yes, there was love and happiness, but it was poisoned by emotional and physical abuse, duplicity, and denial. ... The proscriptions of my Jehovah's Witness faith, my mother's seeming love and devotion, and my father's inability to express any emotion but anger kept us all entangled in a web of guilt disguised as love, brutality that was called 'discipline,' and blind obedience that felt like loyalty. ... We couldn't identify it, but we all sensed something was wrong in our house. Most of my siblings 'rebelled' by essentially running away from home to teenage marriages. ... I was Mother's best friend, and the quietest, shyest, most obedient child of all. I surprised everyone. I also broke the cardinal rule of a dysfunctional family. I stopped living the lie and playing the destructive game. -- pages 1-2.


"Thinking back over all those years, I realized that Mother was the guiding force behind the cruelty and abuse. This lady who pretended to be so gentle on the surface had in fact caused all the turmoil in our lives. We'd always thought that it was Joseph, but it was her, telling him what to do and how to do it. Like I'd said to her before, she was always throwing the rock and hiding her hand, convincing everyone -- outsiders and my own
siblings -- that she was sweet, kindhearted, and compassionate. Little did they know that the minute they were out of earshot she talked about them very, very viciously. After seeing it so many times, I finally had to face the fact that this was her true personality. -- page 257.


"Michael and I were very active in the Jehovah's Witness faith. ... Five days a week the two of us and Mother studied the Bible at home and attended the Kingdom Hall. ... Every morning Michael and I witnessed, knocking on doors around Los Angeles, spreading the word of Jehovah. ... As my brother's fame grew, he had to don convincing disguises, like a rubber fat suit he bought years later, -- pages 53-4.

"Mother ... frowned on our socializing with white kids, an attitude I found hypocritical coming from a Christian. -- page 34.

"... both my parents harbor racist attitudes, particularly against Jews, ... 'Wherever you go, whatever you do in this business, you find a Jew,' Mother used to complain bitterly all the time, 'I can't stand it.' ... She'd go on and on. 'They're always on top. Jews are so nosy. They like controlling you. I hate 'em all.' To their faces, however, my mother was as sweet as could be. ... Hearing talk like this turned my stomach, especially when it came from my mother's mouth. How could a religious woman be so hateful? ... The depth of Mother's loathing was expressed in one of her oft-repeated opinions: 'There's one mistake Hitler made in his life -- he didn't kill all those Jews. He left too many dxxx Jews on this earth, and they multiplied,' --pages 132-4.

Anonymous said...

I will never understand all the attention given to this freak and pedophile. To hear people call him their hero makes my stomach churn. The definition of a hero should be reserved for those people who put their lives on the line for the safety and betterment of society.

Anonymous said...

Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton are like flies landing a pile of dog shit. That's why they're cozying up to that sleaze ball Joe Jackson.

Alice said...

CNN now reports that there will not be a viewing, public or private, instead opting for a memorial. I wish this whole thing would stop, I feel bad for MJ but also I think him having his Evita moment with the viewing would have been fitting.

A. Buck Short said...

I hate myself, but I think we've found exactly the right keepsake to hawk both for the event and LA -- strobe yahrzeit candles.

AlaskaRay said...

I just hear an unconfirmed news report, that Michael Jackson is still dead!

Ray

spmsmith said...

I think the coverage is vulturistic (look Ma, I made a word!), of course. I'm not sure how I feel about MJ's death itself. I sympathize with both those who claim he was a genius and those who denounce him as a child molester. If I feel like that, I wonder how he felt? In any case, it must have been hell to be him.

WV: "astryo" - scientific name for that floating thingy at the end of "2001: A Space Odyssey".

Reno said...

It would only be fitting if you would write tomorrow's blog posting from Neverland.

MattDW said...

This Craiglist ad which has an email address of a certain klevine1@live.com makes it look like maybe you're going:

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/zip/1255007673.html

Tell the truth, this is you, right?

FijneWIET said...

...King-Of popcorn (just heat it)..