Wednesday, July 01, 2009

100 things...

I’m working on my new book, 100 ‘100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE” BOOKS TO READ BEFORE YOU DIE.

I’m still researching but here are some:

100 Suicide Notes to Write Before You Die

100 Paula Marshall Pilots to Watch Before You Die.

100 Doorbells Jehovah’s Witnesses Need to Ring Before They Die.

100 “Best of Sinatra” Albums to Buy Before You Die.

100 Episodes of SILVER SPOONS to Watch Before You Die.

100 Lines to Wait On at Disneyworld Before You Die.

100 Wedding Gift Crock Pots to Return Before You Die.

100 Susan Boyle YouTubes to Watch Before You Die.

100 HBO Channels To Order Before You Die.

100 Reasons to Avoid Women With 100 Cats Before You Die.

100 POLICE ACADEMY Movies to See Before You Die.

100 Starbucks to Visit in Beverly Hills Before You Die.

100 Things to Do With a Cucumber Before You Die.

100 Items to Get at the Sizzlers’ Salad Bar Before You Die (an hour later).

100 AFTERMASH Action-figures to Collect Before You Die.

100 Archive Posts From This Blog You Have to Read Before You Die.

Bonus chapters:

100 Star Trek Conventions to Attend Before You Kill Yourself.

100 Twitter Feeds to Follow After You Die.

You're invited to add your own. "100 Best '100 Best' Comments".

37 comments:

Cynthia McLennan said...

Oh, poor Paula "Show Killer" Marshall. She's so lovely. Write a blockbuster for her, would ya?

Dhppy said...

You should read "100 Recipes to Cook in Your Crockpots Before You Die". Who doesn't love soup?

www.twitter.com/dhppy

David K. M. Klaus said...

> 100 Star Trek Conventions to
> Attend Before You Kill Yourself.


I respect you a lot, so I'm just going to say that I met my wife at a Star Trek convention (well, actually, a fan club meeting but close enough).

It's been 22 years and two teen-aged sons since then. We're still together and are staying that way.

Not every Star Trek fan is a socially inept dweeb who will never have sex. In fact the only adult ones I ever knew who were sexually inactive were either so by choice, or unable due to physical illness or injury.

For me, a convention has always been a celebration of life, of Humanity, of what Stephen E. Whitfield (nom de plume for the late Stephen E. Poe) described in 1968 as "a future of optimism, hope, excitement, and challenge. A future that proudly proclaims Man's ability to survive in peace, and reach for the stars as his reward."

(I know I'm a little touchy on the subject of this stereotype, but it's a very, very old and tired joke.)


WV: "apteas": the Earl Greys Jean-Luc Picard drank in his J. J. Abrams alternate-universe career with the Associated Press.

Tim W. said...

I knew you were going to get flak about the Star Trek convention comment.

KEN LEVINE said...

Hey David Klaus,

I met my wife at a Club Med. That's far worse than a Star Trek convention. FAR worse. But I know where you're coming from.

David Arnott said...

100 Paula Marshall Pilots to Watch Before You Die.

Ooooohhhh... so inside, so funny. Thank you, Ken.

playfull said...

Meet 100 ladies of the night before i die.

Easily done with a short walk from Paris to Wynns on the strip.

Michael Tassone said...

Hi Ken,

Are there any golden rules of thumb when it comes to using profanity in comedy? I think about the wedding singer in Old School who starts adding fuck to the lyrics he's singing. I thought he went one fuck too far. What do you think?

Why is fuck so fuckin funny?

Debby G said...

I could think of only two things to do with a cucumber before I die. I prefer the first one, eating them.

rob! said...

100 Law & Order Spin-Offs to Create

(Dick Wolf only)

Debby G said...

100 Jon and Kate Mgazine Covers to See Before You Die.

100 Country Songs About How Small Town Life Is Better to Listen to Before You Die.

100 Rap Songs Bragging About the Singer's Sex Life and Wealth to Listen to Before You Die.

100 Family Values Politicians Who Get Caught Cheating on Their Wives to Read About Before You Die.

Scott said...

100 Michael Jackson Noses you should try on before you Die

100 Rolling Stones Final Tours you should've attended but didn't before you die ahead of Keith Richards' body.

100 Bad Big Screen Remakes of Television shows to watch before you die.

100 Bad small screen remakes of Movies you need to view before you die

100 Best Picture Nominees that were only nominated because they went from 5 to 10 nominees to watch before you die.

100 Greatest Players of the Steroid Era that didn't use steroids (book only 87 pages long) you should meet before you die.

100 curse words that you ought to say before you die

100 body parts to shave before you die

Roger Owen Green said...

Where can I buy the AFTERMASH figures? Especially the Mulcahy.

A. Buck Short said...

Hold it !!!! Once again it’s Gone-Over-the-Line-Levine. Crock Pots?

One can never have too many crock pots. What energy-using wedding gift cooks with the greenest, lowest carbon footprint – bacterial decay. That’s the only way I can figure these suckers work. We received one for our wedding more than 30 years ago. The chili will be ready Tuesday. But if you’d ever get the urge to pen a sequel to today’s blog: “100 things you can do with a crock pot,” and ask your fans to complete it, hell, I wouldn’t stop ya’.

That’s why I’m not going to add to your 100 100’s right now. It’s so much easier to pose the question than to come up with the lists. I’m surprised you haven’t discovered this earlier.

Like a question about today’s Disneyworld 100. Why do most other people in the country stand or wait in line, but in California and England they stand or wait on line? I can see how the rest of us kind of make or form a line with our bodies. But do Californians see a line on the ground that others don’t? Is that what allows you to adopt your alternate persona as crime fighting Over the Line Levine?

But your list today is hilarious and not always the obvious. Knowing how these things go, we would be remiss in not giving you even more credit for the marginal ones you tossed out to get this one so tight. What discipline! I hope your readers keep it going all day. As you know, on the Internet, if your list goes to 10 people, and each of those add one 100 to the 100’s list, and then each of those additional 100’s goes to 10 people – absolutely nothing will happen whatsoever. Just the way we like it.

Debby, re: cucs. To each her own. Wait, actually now I’m picturing a cucumber-for-two, and can’t get that image out of my mind.

jbryant said...

Come on, Debby G: we all know what women REALLY like to use cucumbers for -- putting slices over their eyes to reduce bags and swelling.

msmith13 said...

Is there any difference between a "things to do before you die" list and an ordinary "things to do" list? Why or why not?

I notice someone on line has written a list of 100 worst movies and called it "100 Movies to Watch After You Die."

Vermonter17032 said...

100 Adulterous-Politician Apology Speeches to Listen to Before You Die

100 Posthumously Published Robert Ludlum Novels to Read Before You Die

100 Films Featuring Best Actress/Supporting Actress Nominees In Roles as Prostitutes to Watch Before You Die

Mary Stella said...

100 Diets to Try and Fail with Before You Die (of obesity).

Since Buck suggested “100 things you can do with a crock pot,” :

1) Melt wax for the movie sequel: The 40 Year Old Virgin and all His Virgin Friends

2) Hot tub party for Thumbelina

3) Borrow Martha Stewart's trick of adding dry ice to make a Witch's Cauldron on Halloween

4) Single ladies, end your dating drought. Set up a Brattwurst stand outside your home and lure every single guy in the neighborhood. Seriously. Bratts are Man Food.

5) Thong laundry. (Why use a full size washer for underwear so small?)

Okay, there's the first five. Only 95 more uses to go.

emily said...

Attention Celebrities.
Please stop dying.
We are running out of schtick.
Thank you.

Alan Coil said...

100 People to Kill Before I Die.

Just a joke. The one person I wanted to kill has already died.

Mike Bell said...

I met my stalker at a Star Trek Convention. That led me to one of my favorite books, "100 ways to file a restraining order."

BTW - I was dressed as a Tribble because the costume was really easy to make. Here's how:

1 - Buy a faux fur bean bag chair.

2 - Remove the beans.

3 - wear it.

May you live long and prosper.


WV: Tesse: The first word of the first line of a reall kickass Dropkick Murphy's song.

Go Sox.

ps - I am a trekker. So don't go hatin'

A. Buck Short said...

You had me at thong laundry.

Anonymous said...

"100 posts about Michael Jackson."

Oh wait, sorry. I was browsing TMZ

Tom Quigley said...

100 illegiitmate tax deductions to take before you die

100 ways to get a parking space at the L.A. Farmer's Market before you die

100 little people you should show your new belt buckle to before you die

100 Cher impersonators who are actually female to see in Vegas before you die

100 ways to make more money off of Bernie Madoff's victims before you die

100 excuses for justifying invading Iraq that you can make before you die (foreword by D. Cheney)

100 reasons to never split a cheeseburger with David Hasselhoff before you die

100 voice mail messages you'll probably get from your agent before you die

100 ways to tell her "Of course I'll respect you in the morning" so she'll believe you before you die (may dovetail with agent voicemail messages, see above)

That's it, I'm all out....

wv: holialic -- a clergyman with a drinking problem...

Mike Bell said...

Now available on Amazon.com...

"100 Episodes To Financial Security"

The story of one Showrunner's plan keep that dog of a show on the air long enough to reach syndication.

People that bought this selection also liked:

"The Network Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit 'Em On The Ass"

And

"Thong Laundry: One man's indentured servitude in the secret stripper underground."

WV: phippric: What everyone calls phip behind his back. .

D. McEwan said...

Why do they never have lists of 100 things to do AFTER you die? That's when your time is freed up!

So in what ways are the Mulcahy & Sherman Potter AfterMASH action figures different from their MASH action figures?

Brian Scully said...

100 Dalmations to write a screenplay about and sell to Disney... damn, missed it by one lousy Dalmation.

sunshine vitamin said...

"Before you die" is good advice: who knows how many of these options will still be available afterwards?


W. V. for real: "dying" "100 ways to contemplate what you should do before dying, like you are given a checklist or something beforehand. Seriously."

D. McEwan said...

Well, I would put up 99 things I really really wanted to do, and then the 100th would be a crap thing, "Watch all of Nelson Eddy's movies," something like that.

That way, I'd never do the last one, and so every time Death showed up, I'd get to say, "Sorry. Can't go yet. I still haven't sat through NEW MOON and MAYTIME." It's FOOLPROOF!

On LOST they have Desmond carrying around a copy of OUR MUTUAL FRIEND, the only Dickens novel he hasn't read. You just know that, if he reads it, then they'll kill him off. (Poor Penny. [sniff])

I keep wishing he'd used a different Dickens novel. OUR MUTUAL FRIEND is a masterpiece. He's missing out. He should have read it, and then kept one of Dickens's dogs, like MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, DOMBEY & SON, or his worst, THE OLD CURIOSITY SHOP, to carry around unread. He would be missing out on less.

Also, OUR MUTUAL FRIEND is about 900 pages long. If Desmond gets shot (again), he'd have to SPEED through it to get it all read before he died. Who gets enough notice on their death to be able to schedule in reading a 900 page novel?

WV: paistrie: a REALLY pretentiously French way to spell "pastry."

Tallulah Morehead said...

I tried writing "100 Cocktails to Drink Before I Die," but it turned out to be "100 Cocktails to Drink Before Bed."

Of course, at my age, there's very little difference.

I did compile "100 Other Movies Stars Who Must Die Before I Do". By merest coincidence, it's heavy on current child stars. As long as Dakota Fanning and Suri Cruise are alive and well, I have nothing to fear.

Mary Stella said...

I might be onto something with the thong laundry idea.

Lady M said...

Hi there,
It's fascinating to think about what you might do if you know you're going to die soon. Try Sofia's list,
www.strategicbookpublishing.com/LookAfterEachOther.html

jbryant said...

A thong laundry is indeed a great use for a crock pot, Mary Stella. But don't ever expect me to come over to your house for soup.

David K. M. Klaus said...

D. McEwan wrote:

> So in what ways are the Mulcahy
> & Sherman Potter AfterMASH
> action figures different from
> their MASH action figures?

I'd assume that the M*A*S*H figures are all in green fatigue uniforms, while AfterM*A*S*H Potter would be wearing a white lab coat, white shirt and necktie, and AfterM*A*S*H Mulcahy a black cassock and Roman collar.

Although I usually was working when the show was on, I did manage to see, I think, two episodes and liked them, as Col. Potter and Fr. Mulcahy (along with B. J.) were my favorite characters from the original show, decent, compassionate men who in real life I would admire and respect. (My actual primary care physician is very much like Sherman Potter, only 35 years younger and with a laptop computer instead of a horse, even looking a bit like a young Harry Morgan.)

I never got to see the W*A*L*T*E*R pilot, which grinds my gears because it's set in a pre-Gateway Arch downtown St. Louis in the year before I was born, and I've always been curious if whatever backlot was used for street scenes even remotely looked like a real street here.

(I walked along what I was told was the "New York Street" on the 20th/Fox lot on my way from the studio gate to the Zanuck theater in 1983 to see a pre-release screening of The Return of the Jedi to which I had been invited -- is that what was used?)


WV: "waryjaco" -- former CNN Gulf War I reporter Charles Jaco, now with Fox affiliate KTVI here in St. Louis, being cautious.

Mary Stella said...

jbryant said:
A thong laundry is indeed a great use for a crock pot, Mary Stella. But don't ever expect me to come over to your house for soup.

You're safe, Jbryant. I don't wear thongs and I don't own a crock pot.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Well now I know what the next book I write must be: "100 Men to Marry Before I Die."

Although I've lost track of how many husbands I've checked off so far, I do know I'm in double digits.

Vermonter17032 said...

From Sarah Palin:

100 inexplicable decisions to make before I run for president