Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My open letter to Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

I see the number of mistresses you’ve had is now 14 and counting. It’s one thing to cheat on your wife, but cheating on 13 mistresses, have you no decency, sir?!

Did you really think you wouldn’t be caught? 14 times? News flash: One of the big reasons women want to sleep with you is so they can TELL PEOPLE THEY’RE SLEEPING WITH TIGER WOODS. Don’t you have anybody advising you? Jesus, even your caddy should know that!

So the question is: now what do you do?

Please don’t play the “Sex Addict” card. Don’t claim it’s a disease and you have no control. Has anyone noticed that ugly guys never have this disease? The only tragic victims are good looking married celebrities with money. David Duchovny is in rehab with this serious problem. Of course it’s not serious enough to keep him from filming CALIFORNICATION where his character does nothing but fuck his brains out. Oh, right. That’s for his “art”. I forgot.

The point is, Tiger, the public is no longer buying it. I mean, Steve Phillips, public dimwit, used that claim. If you want to be honest, say you’re a “Marriage Addict”. Say you have this uncontrollable need to be married. That we could believe. No one as successful as you with as many smoking hot women throwing themselves at you would be stupid enough to get married unless it was something you couldn’t control. There must be some “Elizabeth Taylor” or “Mickey Rooney” clinic you can check yourself into.

It looks like your wife is going to file for divorce. Even though you told a friend you were going to go out to Zales and buy her a Kobe diamond ring, which you eloquently defined as a “house on a finger”, she still seems determined to leave. By the way, idiot, who buys priceless jewelry at Zales for Christsakes? Has anyone in your posse ever heard of Tiffany’s? But I digress. Even your passionate pleas that “She meant nothing to me. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or the other ones yet to be revealed” have fallen on deaf ears. And a number of sponsors have dropped you as their spokesman. You may pick up some others but I doubt it. Certainly not Cadillac. You go five miles an hour, hit two objects, and wind up unconscious? That can’t be good for selling cars.

“Marriage Addiction”. That’s the ticket, Tiger. And next time be smart. Get some help. Get a trusted adviser. I won’t always be there for you. And don’t get just anybody. You want the best. You need the best.

Give Derek Jeter a call.

With best wishes for the holidays,

Ken Levine

35 comments:

HEATHER said...

AT least Kobe had the good sense to go to Harry Winston. I mean really Zales?!

emily said...

...I'm thinking it's time he changes his name from Tiger to Cheetah...

David Williamson said...

He probably thinks Hitler jokes are appropriate for comedy sitcoms

Cosmic Navel Lint said...

There is an upside to Woods's self-induced predicament: he can bring out an Advent calendar, with a new mistress revealed behind each window.

At least it's seasonal.

Won't do his marriage any good; but it'll tide him over until the New Year when his wife's lawyers begin feasting on his arse.

PS: being dropped by Gillette's probably a good thing: the last place Woods needs to be right now is near razor blades...

kyle said...

It must be a race thing... a race to catch Gene Simmons.

Vitisup said...

Can I say that David Duchovny's sex addiction is really fun to watch on my TV screen??

I feel kind of bad for Tiger...I get the feeling he had an extremely repressed and sheltered childhood, and when he was finally released, he went nuts.

I can kind of relate, although I only have 12 lovers currently.

Mike McCann said...

Catch Gene Simmons? He's small potatoes. I thought Wilt Chamberlain held the record with 20,000.

Cherielynnae said...

Interesting in a time when morals and religious beliefs seem to be on the downward popularity, adultery is still not accepted in society, and for that I'm glad.

Men when you say "I do" better get a good understanding what that term means to a woman and live by it, affairs be it in real or the internet are a clear violation to the marriage contract. Tick a woman off, you will pay forever!

I pity you Tiger.

Cherielynnae

KymmiKatt said...

Perhaps Tiger strategically mentioned Zales in order to get them as a sponsor since he knew all the others would leave him. Going to Zales (rather than Tiffany's) says something huge when a husband makes such an epic fail as Tiger did. I can imagine the commercial for it with the tagline "You effed up so bad that only Zales will do"

kyle said...

@ Mike McCann--

--that's what re-writes are for ;)

good call

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Hey, it's not like he stabbed his wife and an innocent waiter to death. And when he told his wife he was going out to play 18 holes he wasn't actually lying.

Will Teullive said...

I saw one of the Gene Simmons sex videos, not only are the potatoes small, so is the meat.



WV: azyma- an Arizona non-denominational fitness chain

Louis said...

> By the way, idiot, who buys priceless jewelry at Zales for Christsakes? Has anyone in your posse ever heard of Tiffany’s?

Isn't Zales a sponsor of his? :)

algh said...

Awesome letter Ken! LOL Good morning laugh, as usual!

Anonymous said...

I took an informal poll among all the men I know; married and single. The majority of them are just plain envious. The married guys said not to tell their wives.

Go Tiger!

DwWashburn said...

Am I the only American who has not been caught up in this?

When John Ensign gets caught dipping his pen into another inkwell, that's news because he ran on family values and chastised others for exactly what he was caught doing. If the head of MADD were caught driving drunk, that would be news. But Tiger is a golfer. I don't see the news item here.

Him having a car accident - yes, that's news. He could have had a serious injury which would have affected his playing ability. He could have had a medical condition that made him black out behind the wheel. But he and his wife had a dispute. Why is that so interesting to the public? I'm sure I'm naive but I don't get it.

Tom Degan's Daily Rant said...

I cannot believe that I am even commenting on Tiger Woods, but I can't help but believe that 90% of this scandal is BS.

There is a woman named Jamie Jungers who claims that Tiger spotted her in a crowd and told her how beautiful she was and that he just had to get to know her.

Here's where I am going to get into trouble. If her story is true then our man Tiger is out of control. Please forgive me but I wouldn't give Jamie Jungers a second look if she were the last gal in the bar at 4AM and I had drank a quart of vodka. Google her image if you think I'm kidding.

http://www.tomdegan.blogspot.com

Tom Degan

The Milner Coupe said...

If Tiger Woods were ONLY a golfer, I would agree with DwWashburn. But the reason this is important is that Woods has sold himself as an example of excellence. Not just at sports but in finance, fashion, and in family values. He has become filthy rich perpetrating this ruse.

He didn't make a mistake. He's not an addict. He's an asshole. It's not like he's been married twenty years an got a little bored, he's in the midst of building his family for God's sakes.

I'm not gonna hold a man's indiscretions against him as much as the big picture of the total disregard and disrespect he's shown his wife, family and business associates.

And as Degan pointed out, the woman weren't exactly elevating his social status. The dude doesn't deserve our pity or compassion, only our contempt. He's a great golfer and he should continue, but get'im outta our face.

Aloha

RDaggle said...

"One of the big reasons women want to sleep with you is so they can TELL PEOPLE THEY’RE SLEEPING WITH TIGER WOODS."

but really that's not what happened. Until the car crash it was all kept out of the media.

And then it was a cash cow for the media which invests more in retailing gossip than anything else.

Celebs: remember to do a thorough cost-benefit analysis on all the pertinent business models before unbuttoning.

Tom Quigley said...

I can imagine an update on this story about, oh, say two weeks from now:

The latest count for women who claim to have had an affair with Tiger Woods has now risen to 118, with that number seemingly growing by the hour.... The most recent who have gone on record as having engaged in an illicit relationship with the golf world's biggest superstar include among others: Heidi Klum, Scarlett Johansen, Teri Hatcher, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Katie Couric, Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, Kelly Ripa, Ann Coulter, Nancy Sinatra, Tina Turner, Miley Cyrus, Heather Locklear, Meredith Baxter ("it's what turned me gay"), Chloe Kardashian, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Aniston, Greta Van Sustern, Joan Rivers (again), Beyonce Knowles, Pamela Anderson, Martha Stewart ("It was a GOOD thing!") Ivanka Trump, Soleil Moon Frye, Shakira, Meredith Baxter (again -- "and I'm still gay"), Kourtney Kardashian, Courtney Love, Courtney Cox, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Kathy Lee Gifford, Marie Osmond, Michelle Obama, Mary Kate and Ashley Olson ("We do everything together!"), the entire cast of THE VIEW, the entire cast of THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR ("We do everything together!"), and former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright... When asked for a comment regarding these revelations, Tiger Woods released a brief statement saying "I am truly sorry and ashamed of my recent infidelities and am doing everything I can to steer my focus towards some positive behaviors and no longer wallow in this demeaning cesspool of lust with which I have allowed myself to become so fully and constantly preoccupied; as of this moment, I am declaring that today begins a new period of self-awareness and reclamation in my life, and from this point on I will not allow myself to be imprisoned by the bonds by which I have heretofore been shackled. And now if you'll excuse me, I’m going to go wash my balls and get my putter re-shafted..."

Tara said...

I couldn't care less about Tiger's infidelity or his marriage woes. If Elin's leaving him, good for her. But I've spent the past couple of weeks actively avoiding this "story". He's a friggin' athlete. Who cares?

Charles H. Bryan said...

Of course this doesn't matter -- at least not in the way that health care reform matters -- it's that it's just big stupid fun for all of us that aren't directly involved.

When something like this happens to someone you personally know it's awful, but when it happens to a rich celebrity it's a delicious schadenfreude smoothie with a double scoop of gossip, mixed with a sport that lends itself to puns.

Debsa said...

Nicely written...Tiger is indeed Tony the Tiger...

Cosmic Navel Lint said...

At the risk of being obtuse, since when have golfers ever been allowed to refer to themselves as "athletes"?!

In the pantheon of gilding the lilly, that's like referring to Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Thespian.

blogward said...

These people might sponsor him - their budget might not be what Tiger's used to, but the golf courses are OK.

http://www.healthscotland.com/news/news-item/115.aspx

Anonymous said...

"He probably thinks Hitler jokes are appropriate for comedy sitcoms"

no, you don't just make a hitler joke, you make a "france surrenders" joke, which implies hitler. haven't you learned anything from ken?

Courtney Suzanne said...

Paging Don Draper...

I think Tiger's been watching too much Mad Men. Of course, like Don, he got caught eventually, too.

Todd said...

An outstanding comic essay, Ken.

Doctor D said...

I don't understand what the problem is here. The man has 12 gorgeous women telling the world that he is well endowed and a great lover!

loveyourblogken!!!! said...

Stanford University dedicates new TIGER WOODS SCHOOL OF BUSINESS.
TIME MANAGEMENT & THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES. Funding and Grants courtesy PGA, Cadillac and TagHauer....
My what a thick neck you have. Is that new musculature courtesy of your notorious McDonald's diet?
Weren't you whining and complaining about certain elders on PGA tour and their use of beta blockers? You felt it gave them an unfair edge as it calmed and quieted their nerves.
Branding and marketing. Dollars and cents.
Smoke and mirrors. Fraud? Dunno.
Ho-Ho-Ho.
So much pussy, so little time....and at the end of the day, Tiger is the biggest pussy of all.
Liger Liger get some pants on Tiger.

Rock Golf said...

Words that cause Mrs Woods dread: "Gee, honey, I really wanna play 18 holes."

bruce miller said...

as David Isaacs would say.."this is classic Ken Levine"!

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

See my comment above, Rock Golf. The last guy who stole my material went to jail. Really.

loveyourblogken said...

I wish a guy would steal my material. Really.

Anonymous said...

Tiger Woods is just another cheap male-whore who has zero respect for other people. How many diseases does his dripper carry from all these encounters? Its sad that he has so little regard for his own WIFE, who has pushed out two kids for him and clearly has out aside her own temptations for his sake! Try and push a whole new person through your weener and see what enormous sacrifice it is...
Furthermore, the fact that he's not getting enough sex shows that he is lousy in bed. Women don't have limited stamina; they just end with bad lovers who kill their libido.

Swedish newspapers wonder: why does male-whores like this even marry? Why do they deceive someone when they don't have to and can stay free and do what they like?
Swedes are one of the most loyal people on the planet. Unlike in this country where so many men forgive and support Woods, Swedes have little sympathy and understand for disloyalty.

For sure she will not take him to the cleaners in spite of his low character; that's not how these women work. She will just agree to whatever agreement they already have.