Saturday, December 05, 2009

What to get the person who has everything and is weird?

Here are a couple of fabulous Christmas gift ideas.

Tired of having to buy those $.49 rolls of toilet paper? Now for only $800 you can get a new state-of-the-art computerized toilet seat. With the push of a button on your handy remote, your caboose will get washed and dried while you remain seated in luxury on your heated toilet seat.

I’m not kidding.

It’s perfect for really lazy people or Captain Hook.

Developed in Japan (where else?), presenting the SWASH 800. And here’s my favorite feature: re the spray that shoots up to clean you, there’s a single “For Him” button that says “back” and “For Her” there are two buttons, one for “back” and the other for “front”. The dryer feature works for all.

Soon there will be a model for writers with a button labeled “agent”. Push that and smoke will come up your ass.

And for all you LOST IN SPACE fans, you can now purchase your own full size robot. The third season version (which we ALL know was the best!).

Here are some of the features it comes with:

Acrylic bubble based on the existing original.
- Laser cut steel brain with polished stainless steel top cover and crown.
- CNC machined light rod ends brain cup and neck bracket.
- Accurate acrylic collar & vents, hand formed based on the original jigs used.
- Torso based on the original stone molds.
- Welded steel torso hooks.
- Laser cut aluminum bezel with engraved acrylic chest buttons.
- Machined & clear anodized aluminum microphone with stainless steel screen.
- Actual Dialight sockets and Lens (not reproductions!)
- Hundreds of individual parts fabricated from Fiberglass, acrylic, aluminum, steel, etc.
- All metal tread sections, knee plates and hinges.
- Real rubber tread belts, knee bellows, leg bellows, arms & neck bellows.
- 32 machined aluminum wheels with v-groove.

And wait! There's MORE! Dick Tufeld, the original voice of the robot has recorded 500 tracks.

Again, this is not a joke. This item is really for sale. Here's the link.

And for how much you ask? A pittance! A mere $24,500. That’s right. Just $24,500. Why, it’s like they’re GIVING THEM AWAY.

The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again.

“Danger, Norbert Schleppleman!”

21 comments :

lofa said...

not the type of gifts I would want for xmas.

Burford said...

Dang, Lofa...too bad. I was going to get you one of each.

Tom Quigley said...

Ken said...

"The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again."

I can already see it becoming a regular cast member on THE BIG BANG THEORY next season...

David said...

You know, if this were Robby the Robot, that $24,000 price tag night not seem quite so ridiculous...

Oops, did I say that out loud?

Ben said...

"The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again."

Again?!?

Tim W. said...

"The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again."

I wish you would have told me that before I plunked down my $24,500.

And we bought one of those SWASH 800, but now I can't seem to get my wife off the toilet, for some reason.

A_Homer said...

I seem to recall over the decades there was always a new attempt at a life-size Robby the Robot production models. With that kind of fanbase popularity, it makes you wonder, why he/it never reappeared in a sitcom as a reoccuring role.
I also wonder why by now there isn't some kind of consumer outlet for these 1:1 reproductions of devices from past sci fi shows. Not just conventions. Even a large section in some super-store. Come to think of it, that sounds like some jobsite for another sitcom character - a loser...

Rory L. Aronsky said...

I can already see it becoming a regular cast member on THE BIG BANG THEORY next season...

Leonard's gotten laid (he dates Penny now, in case you're far behind), Raj has gotten laid (though god knows when he'll get lucky again), Howard's gotten laid (though not by his girlfriend Bernadette yet), and Sheldon doesn't care about that.

That joke would have worked early in the series.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again.

My insane collection of books and DVDs, and single bed with crappy springs pretty much takes care of that. I don't mind, though.

WV: cocentea - The next Starbucks-type chain for horny tea-drinking women: Cocks & Tea

blogward said...

Are you sure it isn't a dastardly plot to TAKE OVER THE WORLD?

Ref said...

NOGISH: the way one usually feels after a Christmas party.

radiobob123 said...

WARNING! Will Robinson.

Anonymous said...

I might as well buy it simply for the reason I can't remember the last time I got laid.

signed Anonymous for a reason

radiobob123 said...

WARNING! Will Robinson. Especially when you take a dump!

A. Buck Short said...

Annals (how could one not?) of Electronic Toiletry.

I think I remember having read something years ago in the Boston Globe about Jackie Kennedy Onassis being criticized as a prima donna for having ordered a heated toilet seat and towel rack for Red Gate Farm – her home on Martha’s Vineyard. (I’m told not really an extravagance if you’d ever been on either Martha’s Vineyard or Jackie Kennedy in December.) After your blog this morning I decided to Google “Jackie Kennedy, heated toilet seat" to see if I had remembered correctly. So help me God, this is what came up:

Toto TS930P-RS - LLOYD PRESSURE BALANCE VALVE TRIM W/O DIVERTER
$57.22 • Toto E200 Round Heated Washlet Toilet Seat ... Inspired by Jackie Kennedy Onassis by jackieheartsb featuring MICHAEL Michael Kors bags I've been ...
www.stylefeeder.com/.../Toto-Ts930p-Rs-Lloyd-Pressure-Balance-Valve-Trim-W-O-Diverter -

Turns out it was only one of those examples of where Google conflates two different sections of the same site; the Onassis reference was to handbags (or bags as they called them, which to me didn’t entirely rule out the toilet connection). But talk about your conflation issues in the bathroom department, the section of Martha’s Vineyard where the Onassis home is located: Gay Head.

As far as your gift-giving suggestion, in this economy we have to consider practicality. I guess, now, the big question out in the valley must be: “Can Robby be programmed to flush my computerized toilet at warp speed? It may be the only way to finally wash that robotic hamster out of my ass.

(Editor’s Note:Actually these high tech toilets have been around in Japan for quite awhile. There’s apparently no middle ground for these people – either Univac or a hole in the floor tile.)

Incidentally, WV: coccle -- which in this context sounds like some kind of Yiddish diminuitive.
.

James said...

I think the LIS Robot, overall, would bring more joy to my life than all the women I've gone out with combined. And it won't get incensed when I refuse to watch [b]Titanic[/b] again.

AlaskaRay said...

Whatever you do, do not even think about teaching the robot to use the SWASH 800.

Ray

YEKIMI said...

I watched "Lost In Space' just for the damn robot....I so wanted one back then and want one even more now. Technically it's a Model B-9, Class M-3 General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot. The same guy that built and designed the B9 also designed Robby the Robot.I know my science fiction geekdom still lives on because I just about had an orgasm when I saw this: http://www.lostinspacerobot.com/ So many robots, so little time! But if you don't wanna spend the $24,500 on one you can also build your own!

Mary Stella said...

I get a little sentimental at the holidays. Today, I'm so touched that two of my favorite funny writers have solved any possible waste elimination needs. Ken finds the high end commode that is toilet and bidet in one. Dave Barry finds the sh*t box -- the portable container good for camping, hiking, marine use, waiting in line for Miley Cyrus tickets.

I'd love to see the ad campaign for this little invention. "Does a bear sh*t in the woods?" "No! He uses a sh*t box!"

It's made by The Brown Corporation. (Too bad "What can brown do for you" was already taken.) www.thebrowncorporation.com

Not my real name said...

I lived in Japan for 5 years and those heated/built in bidet/dryer seats are everywhere. One thing I learned: there is a time and place when and where you really don't want air blowing around.

Seriously, who cut one? Oh that's right I did.

Danielle said...

Don't knock the washlet till you've tried it lol! I am about to leave Japan after 18 wonderful months here and these washlets are one of the things I'll miss! They are standard toilets in cities here - even the public toilets from the smallest supermarket to every floor of the largest electronics stores all have variations of them.

I'm heading back to Australia, so I won't miss it as much as my friends who have returned to the snow-prone climbs of the US - they are ALL missing theirs terribly!