Monday, August 09, 2010

Lindsay Lohan describes her time in prison

There was an Academy Award winning documentary in the late 70s called SCARED STRAIGHT. Juvenile delinquents who were “too cool for school” received lectures from prison lifers on what it was really like in the joint. Needless to say, they scared the shit out of these cocky little guttersnipes.

As a public service (and you know me – always a giver) I would like to do an updated version. I know a lot of gang members and assorted bad ass motherfuckers read this blog (they especially like my Tony Award reviews) so it’s the perfect forum.

Please welcome my guest blogger, prison inmate Lindsay Lohan!

Thanks, Ken. So listen you guys, prison is oh-my-God like such a nightmare. Okay. First. You have to wear their clothes. And it’s not like they buy them new for everyone like they should if they had any decency. So you’re wearing overalls worn by God knows who? Hygiene is not a priority among these skanks, let me tell you. And by the way they’re ugly. The clothes, not the skanks… although, yeah, the skanks too. If you’re trailer trash but pretty you can always have a good career in porn but these mutts have nothing left but to rob the people better looking than they are. It’s pathetic!

But everybody wears the same thing. Whoever shops for them they should like add on another twenty years. And it’s one thing to wear a uniform if you’re like “Hi, I work at McDonalds and have no future and am not pretty enough for porn” but what if you’re not? What if you’re planning to get a job as a big executive when you get out of prison? Or even star in a reality show? What does it do to your confidence? I mean, just take a look at those losers in the yard. They’re all just such… downers. And for what? You think any of them would be less sorry they stabbed your mother if they got to wear a cute halter top and khaki shorts? I’m telling you, this is the kind of torture they subject you to 24/7.

Oh, and it’s worse. If someone comes to visit you, you STILL have to wear those clothes. I mean, come on! I didn’t kill anybody. And even if I did, that means I have to wear orange?

Now for the privacy. There isn’t any. None. You can’t do your nails without some bitch asking what star you’ve fucked. If I didn’t know better I’d say that being in jail is like being in a cage. As for your room – okay, picture like a dressing room when you’re on location and it’s small and no one even thinks to get you a variety of Snapple. And they’re all “oh, it’s an indie film and I had to mortgage my house” and you’re like, “yeah but how is that my problem? I didn’t tell you to do it.” Waa waa. So it’s like that. Small. No bedspead. No private shower. That’s a whole other trauma. I mean it’s one thing to be naked in magazines. That’s for money. There’s dignity in that. But washing yourself in front of other women, that’s just dirty.

And here’s the worst. I need a moment here. I get choked up just thinking about it. Okay. Okay. They won’t let you text. I know! It’s inhuman! Can you imagine? It’s like you’re completely cut off from your staff. If they’re going to make us check in our cellphones why not just make us check in our thumbs?

Bottom line is you guys, I’ll be scarred for life. I hope this doesn’t drive me to drink. But if it does it’s all on their head – heads? – no, head – maybe heads – I dunno. All of that rehab for nothing because of them! All I can say is that every day in prison felt like a year, so do the math. I was in there for thirteen long years, people. Bottom bottom line -- don’t let what happened to me happen to you.

Get better lawyers.

Thank you, Lindsay.

What do you think? Was I scary?

Ohhhh yeah.

13 comments:

Sally creeping down the alley said...

No less scary than knowing that sooner or later Lindsay will be back on the streets being... well, you know... Lindsay. And that's more than enough to keep me scared straight.

Bob Summers said...

Ken, it was so scary that I shit myself. I"m glad she has improved her grammar and typing skills from that rousing Robert Altman tribute of a few years ago.

Maybe put her in general population next time with Big Bertha.

Michael Zand said...

Low hanging fruit, Ken. Low hanging fruit.

benson said...

Ken, you may want to post the address for your alternate site more prominently. Those language filters might be in hyperdrive after this post.

Emily Blake said...

That was funny.

Although in reality most celebrity prisoners serve their time in protective custody so they don't have to be harassed from all those skanks in general population.

Tom Quigley said...

I think the main lessaon to be learned in somethng like this these days is that if you act depraved enough, you'll probably get your own reality show out of it...

Anonymous said...

As a regular reader, I'm wondering where your post from Robert Downey Jr's perspective is... or do we only kick before they've stood back up?

A. Buck Short said...

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is that J.D. Salinger called and wants his hard drive back. Very well done and entertaining, but I don’t think I feel like going anymore into it, if you want to know the truth. Except, would that her problem were mere shallowocity instead of being periodically f**ked up. I’m still a LoFan and think she’s a talented actress with a wonderful screen presence. Is that so wrong?

The Milner Coupe said...

She's an insult to humanity. Not so funny actually.

Anonymous said...

Still got it!

bevo said...

I was going to knock over a liquor store. Then, I read Lindsay Lohan's account of prison. The no text thing really struck home. I decided to stay on my couch and fire up another bowl.

wv: tighteek: the feeling you get when you draw the belt too tightly around your waist.

Jeffrey Leonard said...

Ken, this is why we love you. You're one of a kind. It is so nice, in this crazy world, that I know I will get at least one good laugh every single day thanks to you.

palmtree said...

This may be a minority opinion , but I actually think the Lohan could be a really great actress. Even in crappy movies she has an intensity that no one else in her generation has. I think she will be like Robert Downey Jr , if she can get her shit together.