Yesterday I was introduced to the Red Zone channel. For those unaware, this is the NFL on crack. RED ZONE cuts from game to game to game while an offstage announcer (impressively) sets up what you’re about to see. But it’s impossible to follow anything because you blink and you’re on to another one. There are not as many quick cuts in the BIG BANG THEORY opening titles. At one point a receiver barreled over someone on the sidelines. The poor guy fell to the ground obviously hurt. Just as concerned people gathered around him, BLAM! We were off to Carolina to see a three-yard run. I never did find out if that guy was okay. I can’t even tell you what game it was. The whole thing was a blur. But I did see it all. Every game in only a fraction of the time.
And it got me thinking: what if there was a channel like that for primetime? You wouldn’t have to channel surf! Holding the remote, pointing it. Ugh! That’s such a pain. And then there’s that clicking and clicking. Who has time for that shit?
So what if there was a channel that did the work for you? Live look-ins at all your favorite shows so you don’t miss a minute. Let me give it a try.
Announcer: We get it started with Dexter. He’s about to kill his first victim.
A man strapped to a table opens his eyes as Dexter stands over him with a knife.
Dexter: It was ingenious the way you made those girls just disappear, even when they were on surveillance cameras. How’d you do it?
Announcer: Susan’s in trouble on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.
Maxine and Susan.
Susan: He was never going to buy a Va-Va-Voom Broom anyway.
Maxine: You don’t know that!
Susan: Oh really? Well, here’s what I do know and it's going to knock you on your ass…
Announcer: Off we go to WEEDS where Nancy is having gratuitous sex.
Nancy and a man are doing it on the kitchen table.
Nancy: Oh God! Oh…
Announcer: Back to that later but Joy Behar is in a rage.
Joy: Obama this! Obama that! You want to fix the economy? You want to jump-start the job market? You don’t blame Obama. You…
Announcer: Now to BOARDWALK EMPIRE where Nucky is conducting business.
Nucky, in bed with a prostitute, is on the phone.
Nucky: I’m not anti-Semitic! Can’t I order you to kill Arnold Rothstein without you making a racial issue out of this?
Prostitute: I notice you're not circumcised.
Nucky: Shut up!
Prostitute: It wouldn't be so apparent if you got an erection once in awhile.
Announcer: Let’s stay in the past and visit MAD MEN.
Betty on the couch with Creepy Glenn.
Creepy Glenn: Don’t deny it, Mrs. Draper. You liked it when I touched your…
Announcer: Quickly. Gotta get you back to DEXTER.
A chef stabs a chicken.
Announcer: Oh, wait. Sorry. That was IRON CHEF. Now to DEXTER.
Susan stabs Maxine.
Announcer: That was DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. But over at DEXTER.
Nucky stabs the prostitute.
Announcer: Hold it. This is coming too fast.
Dexter stabs another victim.
Betty stabs Creepy Glenn
Nancy stabs the guy she had sex with.
Maxine stabs Susan back.
Creepy Glenn stabs himself.
Dexter stabs Joy Behar.
Okay, it needs work. What can I tell ya?. Let me fool with it some more. And in the meantime, if you gotta watch just one show at a time, I dunno, let’s get you out to Green Bay and NBC Sunday Night Football.