Saturday, December 11, 2010

Black & Blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or joining me in Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Mickey Rourke after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.” Not that the interviewers are any better. One day Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest will look as one.

Lip enhancements are still the rage (as anyone who watches REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS knows). Here’s Meg Ryan. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Cox…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Jack Lord, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is MODERN FAMILY'S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minnellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

24 comments:

Chip Souza said...

And the woman says to the man: "You don't love me for the real me."

And the man says: "I don't know who the real you is!"

daveed said...

Too funny. I always wondered when celebs found the time to get over their nips and tucks.

amyp3 said...

Man, lately on talk shows I've seen some good actresses that I consider to be young - and they've got that horrid robot-face already.

But Ken, posting such an embarrassing pic? Nah.

Ian said...

I'm glad you mentioned the local L.A. news bobbleheads, er, newsreaders. We have quite an impressive crop of plumped, pulled, and pinched TV personalities here. Some of them would actually be attractive if their makeup wasn't applied with a trowel. And then there are the women. I must confess a certain fondness for weather pinup (and YouTube fave) Jackie Johnson. No doubt she's had a little work done, but who cares... she's turned a generation of teenaged boys into experts on early morning precipitation.

Vincent Price said...

Here in L.A., newsreader Paul Moyer got a new face and then lost his gig. Now he has no place to show it off. Maybe he can be a greeter at Madame Tussauds!

Tom Quigley said...

Meg Ryan absolutely destroyed what was a very pretty "America's Sweetheart" (and as she grew older) disinguished face....

Burt Reynolds' face died just about he same time his career did... Better that both be buried and forgotten at this point...

Mike McCann said...

>>Here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. >>

Gee, I thought his goal was to resemble Cesar Romero. (Another actor with BATMAN connections.)

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Those botox lips remind me of a line in a Lawrence Block novel: "Her mouth looked like an ad for fellatio."

Anonymous said...

Clifford Streit needs to be concerned about his OWN mouth. It sure is a whole lot uglier with those nasty vile mean comments coming out, than botched plastic surgery!! He should be ashamed of himself.

The reason people get plastic surgery is because of people like him - and some here - who have nothing better to do thatn critize women for how they look.

Anonymous said...

Clifford Streit needs to be concerned about his OWN mouth. It sure is a whole lot uglier with those nasty vile mean comments coming out, than botched plastic surgery!! He should be ashamed of himself.

The reason people get plastic surgery is because of people like him - and some here - who have nothing better to do thatn critize women for how they look.

Ref said...

Sorry, Mom!

Anonymous said...

Got to disagree on the Julie Bowen boob job. Unfortunately, it looks obvious and is really out of character for Claire. The internet, of course, has the answers and never lies. http://www.demeterclarc.com/tag/julie-bowen/

K.L.

benson said...

Anonymous, you are the worst kind of sexist there is. Did you not read the examples of men who had horrible results? But you chose to only pick up on the women? That is horribly sexist. For shame.

benson said...

That last comment directed at Anonymous #1.

David said...

Friday question! Hi Ken. What do you think of the show South Park? While it's definitely gross at times, I find it to be the most articulate social commentary on the airwaves today. I often find it laugh out loud funny (not intellectual acknowledgement that it's funny, actual "laugh out loud" at the screen funny). I believe all of the episodes are written by one guy (Trey Parker) and clearly the producers have the power to deal with issues and use language that most shows can't get away with. Anyway, I was just curious about your thoughts on the show.

Kirk Jusko said...

William Shatner could be Burt Reynold's brother.

Dimension Skipper said...

I don't think Julie Bowen needs (or "needed" as the case may be) a nip/tuck, but it appears as if she may need to tuck her nip.

;-)

Anonymous said...

After seeing holidays photos of myself, I completely understand why someone who is photographed constantly would consider plastic surgery. I would never go under the knife, as the results are hardly worth it, but I understand where the impulse comes from.

Mac said...

Garry Shandling talks about reading internet forums and he can't understand why everyone's talking about how his face changed. No-one in his life mentions how his face changed. Then he looks in the mirror and, for the first time, sees what everyone else sees. Like everything Garry Shandling does, it's damn funny.

RCP said...

Wonderfully funny!

I will say that some actually can pull it off either by expert surgery and/or great genes: Julie Andrews and Barbra Streisand come to mind. Then there was Mae West - as much as I like Mae, she really did look like she was wearing a rubber mask - recreating in 1970 a famous 1933 pose of herself as the Statue of Liberty didn't help matters.

Anonymous said...

"Installed a vagina on her face" ....such wit,Sir you surpass yourself!

Jaded and Cynical said...

'...stars or anyone over 28...'

Nice turn of phrase.

There are kids walking red carpets these days barely out of puberty who look like they are on their second brow-lifts.

I keep picturing a Harry Potter reunion ten years from now where the original leads show up in their early thirties looking like David Gest and Faye Dunaway.

J S Swanson said...

Every time a bell rings, a celebrity gets work done. Cue Liza singing Ring them bells ....

Anonymous said...

While the picture that you show of Julie Bowen doesn't look like she's had anything done, in the episode when they went to Hawaii, it was VERY obvious (and disconcerting). Also, I saw Liza Minnelli on an interview show last night, and while what she had to say about growing up, etc. was really interesting, every time I looked at her face and could hardly recognize her, I was distracted. I think for the most part they have a healthier attitude in England where people are valued because they can actually act in movies. And poor, poor Meg Ryan, who used to be so pretty