Thursday, December 30, 2010
Elton John -- "I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems".
"If vibrators could light the barbie and kill spiders in the bathtub, would we need men at all." -- Kathy Lette, novelist, wonders whether marriage has had its day.
"Meryl Streep looks like an unmade bed”. -- Sharon Stone.
Shaquille O'Neal, asked about becoming the fifth NBA player to score 28,000 points: “I got a call from my father and he said, ‘I'm not going to congratulate you, dummy, because if you had hit your free throws, you would have made 33,000.'”
Lil Wayne -- "Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex/ Cuz you don't want that late text, that I think I'm late text"
"I didn't really had a good answer, as so often -- is me." -- Sarah Palin, on writing notes on her hand during her Tea Party convention speech.
LPGA star Christina Kim, referring to Japanese player Sakuta Yokomine before the final round of the U.S. Women's Open: “Phew. I'm glad I don't have to play behind Yokomine today. She's slower than trying to bake a pie with a lighter.”
"We thought we could put it to better use." -- Yigal Palmor, Israeli Foreign Ministry spokesman, on his country's purchase of Twitter account @israel from Israel Melendez, a Spanish owner of a porno website.
"A lot of people say, 'I would rather have a heart attack at the height of sexual passion'. I think I would prefer to be killed by a bookcase." -- Tom Stoppard, on the ideal way to die.
James Franco -- "I spend a fair amount of time alone, especially when I travel . . . So, when I'm alone, I do masturbate a lot."
"I thought it was gum." -- Paris Hilton, denying responsibility for packet of cocaine Las Vegas police found in her bag.
"Life is such a fuckin' rollercoaster then it stops/But what should I scream for, this is my theme park" – Lil Wayne
Chris Snyder, Pittsburgh Pirates catcher, after dropping a throw that led to a one run loss: “That's a play I make 99 times out of 100. Well, I guess now it's 98 times.”
Julia Roberts on why she won’t get Botox -- "Your face tells a story - and it shouldn't be a story about your drive to the doctor's office."
"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree." -- Sarah Palin, Fox News interview with Sean Hannity.
Tweet from Paris Hilton -- "So scary. Just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knives. Cops are here arresting him."
Al Michaels, NBC Sunday Night Football announcer, on how lucky he is to be living his current life: “I don't want to come back in the next life because I'll be in Mongolia in a sulfur mine working the night shift.”
"To the passenger who called me a motherfucker, fuck you., I've been in this business for years and that's it I've had it." -- Air steward Steven Slater, who grabbed two bottles of beer and slid down the emergency chute after being abused by a passenger.
Lady Gaga -- "I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina." Yeah, what guy wouldn't want a piece of that?
Ned Colletti, Dodgers general manager, on having seen free-agent Chien-Ming Wang throw only in a parking lot before the right-hander signed with the Nationals: “He had good command, though. He didn't hit any cars or anything.”
"It's a good thing to be old, because that means you haven't died yet, right?" -- Penelope Cruz. Uh, yes, Penelope. You’re right.
"Refudiate. English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it." -- Sarah Palin, who created the word 'refudiate', compares herself to Bard.
Doc Rivers, Boston Celtics head coach, after Glen “Big Baby” Davis suffered a concussion in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals: “I don't know what kind of test they can give him. He's delirious half the time anyway.”
"You have the honesty of Abe Lincoln and the charm of the guy who shot him." -- Dane Cook, comedian, pays tribute to departing American Idol judge Simon Cowell.
Ethan Hawke, who married his nanny after having an affair with her -- "I liken my situation to The Sound of Music, not to Jude Law."
Ringo Starr, on Vatican newspaper editorial praising band on 40th anniversary of breakup -- "I think the Vatican - they've got more to talk about than the Beatles."
"Listen, he's a nice person, but he couldn't sell watermelons if you gave him the state troopers to flag down traffic." -- Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather on Barack Obama.
"We used to hustle on over the border for health care...And I think, isn't that kind of ironic now." -- Sarah Palin, admits her family used to go to Canada for medical treatment when she was a child. Canada has a single-payer system, which Palin opposes.
"I want you to know, Mrs Obama, that I'm your husband's No 1 fan. And not just because he's a black man. He's mixed. And I wouldn't really know what that looks like anyway." -- Stevie Wonder greets Michelle Obama, wife of US president.
By Ken Levine at 6:55 AM