Thursday, December 09, 2010

Shopping at the Sky Mall

Been traveling a lot lately so I got a chance to peruse the new SKY MALL magazine. It’s perfect for finding that special holiday gift at five times what you should pay for it.

But in the spirit, here are some of the items that caught my eyes this year. Note: all of these are real.

ACULIFE – Self-acupuncture kit. Their slogan should be “Instead of letting us stick it to you, stick it to yourself”. $199.95

SMART BELT BUCKLE – Features a slot to store your credit cards to avoid theft. At $59.95, if you buy this you’ve already been robbed.

THE WATER SQUIRTING REMOTE CONTROLLED CAR -- $99.95. Water not included.

THE LEARN TO PLAY BANJO – For the savvy guy who wants to get laid and knows that women are powerless to resist musicians. $199.95

THE STAINLESS STEEL WALLET – The chief complaint about leather wallets is that they’re not resistant to seawater. Well, your problem is solved!   $89.95

THE TEMPLE AND EYE MASSAGER -- Comes in Swedish, Deep Tissue, and Shiatsu models. $149.95

THE REMOTE CONTROLLED TARANTULA – Scurries across the floor on command. It’s the most useful $29.95 item you can ever buy!

ADJUSTABLE SHEEPSKIN SLIPPERS – Ideal for leaving the igloo to get the morning paper. $49.95

THE CHILDREN’S ELECTRIC 1948 INDIAN MOTORCYCLE – For ages 3-6. Chains, helmet, and 1948 trashy biker chick are extra. $149.95

THE ALWAYS COOL PILLOW – Either it means that the pillow is refrigerated or it will never go out of fashion. $69.95

THE DUTCH DOOR LOG CRIB – Just like Lincoln used to have. $249.95

THE SHINE ENHANCING GENUINE BOAR BRISTLE BRUSH – Expensive but costly to manufacture. You try shaving a boar. $79.95

CATNIX WORKSPACE PARTICIANS – Or… “two portable screens you could get anywhere or just make yourself". Flank your monitor with them and cats won’t walk across your keyboard.  It's either this or giving away the cat.  $37.99

ROCK LAMPS – Perfect for the Flintstones d├ęcor that is so popular these days. $39.99

SOCK MONKEY HAT AND MITTENS – It’s the cry for help that keeps your warm! $29.95 each.

If these or any other SKY MALL product attracts your attention, make note of it, and when you get home buy it on line for half of what the SM charges. And with the money you save you can buy that bag of potato chips American Airlines offers for only $3.29.

10 comments:

Brian Phillips said...

Outside of the fact that the remote spider and the sock monkey accessories are the most reasonable items you mention, I have a Friday question:

You've made mention of the various comedies that you've enjoyed and influenced you and you have also mentioned dramas you like, however, which dramas influenced your writing and/or enjoyed?

Tim W. said...

Before you warn against buying things from the Sky Mall, realize that if everyone bought something from them on each flight, then the airlines might give out free pillows and snacks, again.

Phillip B said...

Made my first order from SkyMall in 1999, and I'm still waiting for delivery. The last notice that the product was backordered arrived in the spring of 2001.

Anxious to see it...

Scott said...

A column very similar to a comedy bit done by Tim Bedore. Which I'd guess is similar to a bit done by someone else before him.

So I suppose that leads to a Friday question (Thursday Night Special Edition): "Is there any original comedy or has everything been done already?"

Tom Quigley said...

"ADJUSTABLE SHEEPSKIN SLIPPERS"

...made from the hide of adjustable sheep....

Mac said...

I nearly bought a novelty noise-emitting key-finder from the Sky Mall but my travelling companion slapped me out of it. A few drinks at high altitude can seriously cloud your judgement.

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

SOCK MONKEY HAT AND MITTENS – It’s the cry for help that keeps your warm! $29.95 each.

Um, help?

Geoduck said...

The steel wallet actually has basis in a genuine concern; the increasing use of RFIDs in credit cards and passports means that it's that much easier for crooks to swipe your personal info; having a metal wallet, in theory, blocks the signals.

Chris said...

How about that abnormally huge 2 story black cat for halloween or that 5 ft. tall football player in your frontyard. This catolouge is rife for comedic bits. On one hand cool stuff that you just have to have and on the other hand off the wall crazy!

mcp said...

"Scott said... Is there any original comedy or has everything been done already?"

This is Benny Hill's take from P.180 of "Funny, Peculiar: The True Story of Benny Hill" by Mark Lewisohn.

"The demand is always greater than the supply. That's something we (comedians) all have to face. Let's say there's nothing really new, only a new angle to it, that's all. There's only a certain number of gags and comic situations to go round. It's up to the comics to make the most of them in their own particular way."

Hill later goes on to say that most comics who accuse others of stealing their material really didn't come up with it in the first place. Hill then said he didn't mind if other comics used his material.

Of course, Benny Hill had a reputation for lifting other people's material. Some of the people Lewisohn accuses Hill of stealing from are:

Max Miller
Bob Newhart
Dick Shawn
Buddy Hackett

Not to mention a host of French and Spanish nightclub performers Hill would seek out on vacation.

I personally think Hill didn't steal that much. When he did see something he liked, he reworked it.

Of course, Hill maybe right about their not being any original material. Danny Thomas made his reputation in the late 1940's with a routine called "The Jack." Here's a link to it:

http://williamhorberg.typepad.com/william_horberg/2010/05/the-jack-story.html

But Max Miller told nearly the exact same story about a plow in his act. I have a recording of him telling it in 1938. Did Thomas steal from Miller? Probably not. Besides, Miller told the story as a straight joke. Thomas acted out the part of the man needing a jack. In fact, Alan King credited seeing Thomas performing "The Jack" as the major influence in him changing his style of comedy.

Class Dissmissed