A porn star's salute to America

Here’s a question that sparked an entire post. And it's keeping with this week's somewhat adult oriented theme.  It’s from Paul.

Will you ever write about your experiences at the strip club? As a reluctant patron, have you had any interesting conversations with the employees?

Gee, you make it sound like I’m the Norm Peterson of Gentleman’s Clubs. Okay, yes, I did attend pornstar karaoke one time. You can read about it here.

But I haven’t been to a strip club since shortly after 9-11. That was a rather memorable evening though.

It was a friend’s bachelor party. There were six or seven of us – all comedy writers. One of them must’ve spent ten years of COSBY residuals on lap dances. We never saw him.

The rest of us staked out our positions, sitting stage side. Each dancer would perform her two songs and we’d each hand her a dollar bill. Being comedy writers we would be constantly tossing asides to each other. “Hey, guys, did you see the way she took my dollar? She thinks I’m special.” “Wasn’t she the judge on MATLOCK?” etc. These girls weren’t just hot, they were joke set-ups.

I guess the big attraction at these clubs was a noted porn star appearing. This club was proud to announce that someone I had never heard of was about to perform. The excitement and anticipation was palpable.  All eyes turned to the stage as this porn star came out and did her routine. God, what a klutz. She may have been a virtuoso in three-on-one scenes but Bristol Palin was more graceful.

You can imagine the pithy remarks that flew back and forth within our merry group. Trust me, we were more entertaining than she was… and she was naked.

Then the DJ announced that she had a big finale. A tribute to 9-11 and this proud country.  Oh boy. This had the potential of greatness.

She went backstage for a moment and returned wearing a cowboy hat, toting an inflated kiddie pool.

Along with a couple of key props.

She stood in the center of the pool, nodded to the DJ., and “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood began to blast. With one hand she waved an American flag high over her head. And with the other she poured a bottle of milk down her chest. How the milk running down her naked body was supposed to symbolize patriotism I do not know, but the whole spectacle was surreal. We all completely lost it, laughing hysterically. At one point I looked around the room, expecting everybody to be laughing. No. Everyone else was staring up at the stage, visibly moved, tears in their eyes. This set us off even more.

Finally, she turned to us, stopped waving her flag, and snarled, “What’s so fucking funny?! This is the first time I’ve been scolded by a porn star. None of us were able to compose ourselves to answer.

She finished to thunderous applause. We left shortly thereafter. We didn’t want to be the first guys in the history of strip clubs to be thrown out for excessive laughter. So that was my interesting conversation with one of the employees.  Oh, wait.  There were two conversations.  When I offered my dollar bill she told me to shove it up my ass.