THE NEW YORK YANKEES – for vacating the house that I built for a gaudy new stadium. The Red Sox ain’t moving from Fenway (and by the way, who needs a curse from me when the Red Sox have Bobby Valentine?). The Cubs ain’t abandoning Wrigley. The Mets are one thing – Shea was a dump. But the original Yankee Stadium was a cathedral and you don’t raze it just so you can construct luxury pews. Who approved that? George Costanza?
HOLLYWOOD – for all those bad movies about me. William Bendix -- the guy from THE LIFE OF RILEY? And then John Goodman? Jesus Christ! Who’s next? Hillary Duff?
THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS – What kind of pussy name is “Blue Jays”? How the hell is a Blue Jay supposed to strike fear in the hearts of opponents? “Blue Jays” wear pigtails and sell cookies, “Giants” stomp on people and get arrested with Mickey Rourke.
THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM – When you think of an “angel” you don’t think some bad ass dude who’s gonna grind your guts into garters. Fuck no. You think of Nicole Kidman prancing with wood nymphs and shit. Who cares if you’re from Los Angeles, Anaheim, or California ? If your team name is “angels” your city of record is Fantasyland.
And along those lines…
THE HOUSTON ASTROS – Name me a team that cowers going in to “Minute Maid Park”. It might as well be “Summer’s Eve Stadium”. Get a better name! There are no fucking tool companies that are looking for corporate sponsorship? And next year you’ll be in the real league so cut that shit out.
ESPN – They get rid of the great Jon Miller but they still let Chris Berman call baseball play-by-play? That’s like replacing me in the Yankee line up with Ann Coulter. I smite you!
PLAYERS WHO USE STEROIDS – Talent, conditioning, proper diet, and beer isn’t enough??? Melky Cabrera may just be the dumbest son of a bitch on the planet.
CBS – for canceling ALMOST PERFECT. That Nancy Travis was a cutie. If I were 30 years younger and alive…boy!
LADY GAGA – What the fuck is that?!
Again, thanks to Ken for letting me blog with you today. If I have anything else to add I’ll send you all a Tweet. So long everybody!