Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A porn star's salute to America

Here’s a question that sparked an entire post. And it's keeping with this week's somewhat adult oriented theme.  It’s from Paul.

Will you ever write about your experiences at the strip club? As a reluctant patron, have you had any interesting conversations with the employees?

Gee, you make it sound like I’m the Norm Peterson of Gentleman’s Clubs. Okay, yes, I did attend pornstar karaoke one time. You can read about it here.

But I haven’t been to a strip club since shortly after 9-11. That was a rather memorable evening though.

It was a friend’s bachelor party. There were six or seven of us – all comedy writers. One of them must’ve spent ten years of COSBY residuals on lap dances. We never saw him.

The rest of us staked out our positions, sitting stage side. Each dancer would perform her two songs and we’d each hand her a dollar bill. Being comedy writers we would be constantly tossing asides to each other. “Hey, guys, did you see the way she took my dollar? She thinks I’m special.” “Wasn’t she the judge on MATLOCK?” etc. These girls weren’t just hot, they were joke set-ups.

I guess the big attraction at these clubs was a noted porn star appearing. This club was proud to announce that someone I had never heard of was about to perform. The excitement and anticipation was palpable.  All eyes turned to the stage as this porn star came out and did her routine. God, what a klutz. She may have been a virtuoso in three-on-one scenes but Bristol Palin was more graceful.

You can imagine the pithy remarks that flew back and forth within our merry group. Trust me, we were more entertaining than she was… and she was naked.

Then the DJ announced that she had a big finale. A tribute to 9-11 and this proud country.  Oh boy. This had the potential of greatness.

She went backstage for a moment and returned wearing a cowboy hat, toting an inflated kiddie pool.

Along with a couple of key props.

She stood in the center of the pool, nodded to the DJ., and “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood began to blast. With one hand she waved an American flag high over her head. And with the other she poured a bottle of milk down her chest. How the milk running down her naked body was supposed to symbolize patriotism I do not know, but the whole spectacle was surreal. We all completely lost it, laughing hysterically. At one point I looked around the room, expecting everybody to be laughing. No. Everyone else was staring up at the stage, visibly moved, tears in their eyes. This set us off even more.

Finally, she turned to us, stopped waving her flag, and snarled, “What’s so fucking funny?! This is the first time I’ve been scolded by a porn star. None of us were able to compose ourselves to answer.

She finished to thunderous applause. We left shortly thereafter. We didn’t want to be the first guys in the history of strip clubs to be thrown out for excessive laughter. So that was my interesting conversation with one of the employees.  Oh, wait.  There were two conversations.  When I offered my dollar bill she told me to shove it up my ass.

36 comments:

Johnny Walker said...

Note: I'm feeling snarky.

For any foreign readers, "Proud to Be An American" (aka "God Bless America") is one of the sides of America you don't usually get to see outside of the US. I've never seen it in a TV show or in a film, but if you go to a family gathering (like say, a fireworks display), it's not uncommon for this song be played at the end of the evening.

Or at least that was my experience when I lived there in 2002.

Maybe it's just because I come from a country where patriotism is practically non-existent, but to me it's possibly the most insipid and trite song ever written. Imagine all the musical brilliance of Kenny G coupled with the keen insight of a Miss World contestant, and with the earnestness of both.

The first time I heard it I assumed it was a joke and started to laugh. Imagine my surprise when the people around me started to sing along, hand on their hearts, without any irony whatsoever.

If you're not American, you owe it to yourself to enjoy this wonderful bit of kitsch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E

(I hope this doesn't offend any of my fellow commenters -- the song just cracks me up.)

Mark said...

I hate that stupid song. I "boo" it silently whenever it plays at a public gathering or ceremony. In the 80s I hoped it would go away quietly. You can see I seldomly get what I want.

chas said...

It's actually "God Bless The USA", not to be confused with the Irving Berlin standard "God Bless America".

Johnny Walker said...

Oops.

DJ said...

My brother served overseas in the nineties. He and his fellow servicemen HATED that song. Could. Not. Stand. It.

chuckcd said...

As surprising as it sounds, some people actually DO love the USA.
I wouldn't live in any other country,
cheesy song included.

chuckcd said...

Oh, did I mentions the porn stars?

Army Man said...

WHY I LOVE AMERICA

Why do I love America? Well, maybe "love" is a little strong... I mean, I think it’s a good country. Definitely. But a lot of that is ’cause I was born here, and haven’t seen that many other countries. Canada and Mexico, that’s about it. I hear Sweden is really great. Man, I’d move there in a second. Just don’t have the bucks.

Rock Golf said...

I don't want to go all Sorkin on the lyrics of God Bless the USA. Suffice it to say they are terrible. "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free."
Really? Canadians aren't free? Briton? Europeans? Japanese? Their all under some yoke I'm unaware of?

Yes, I'm Canadian, but I think both America the Beautiful and God Bless America are not just patriotic songs but more importantly good songs. God Bless the USA? Awful.

The Curmudgeon said...

Is it Sweeps Week in the Blogosphere?

VP81955 said...

I can't think of any public endeavor that wouldn't be improved by substituting Ray Charles' version of "America The Beautiful" in place of the fatuous "God Bless The U.S.A."

Tim W. said...

Wow. I'm glad I'd never heard that before. How can ANYONE not find that song offensively bad, no matter what your nationality?

XJill said...

Amen VP81955, amen.

I don't want to cast stones but when I'm back home in Texas, the fervor with which God Bless the U.S.A. is sometimes sung does give me pause, it's SO schmaztzy.

I do love how everyone yells "Texas!!!" during "across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea" part. And "Houston!!" in from "Detroit down to Houston"

God Bless Texas.

AlaskaRay said...

Actually, when a porn star offers to shove anything up your ass, it's probably a sincere invitation and is at least a compliment.

Ray

Mike said...

Crash course in Performance Art the Danny Boyle Way:
a) Pouring milk over her breasts signified Motherhood.
b) Wearing a Stetson and waving the "Stars & Stripes" signified My Brother bought me the Presidency in Florida.
c) If she yelled out "Is there anyone in from the United Kingdom tonight?", then turned round, bent over and grabbed her ankles, it signified the US-UK Special Relationship.

NYC Ken said...

So in other news, did you just call that no-hitter Felix just threw? If so, how was that? Do you, as an announcer, shy away from stating that he's on his way to a perfect game for superstition's sake?

Janet said...

Words can't express how much I hate this song. I am a pianist and I had to accompany a choir performance of this back in the 90s. That included WEEKS of rehearsal. I couldn't get it out of my head then, and just seeing the title of the song or the name of the performer puts it right back. So, thanks for that. (jk)

It really is a horrible, jingoistic, trite, annoying song. But milk might have helped.

Paul Duca said...

It's interesting to know..."God Bless the U.S.A." was released in 1984, and was only a moderate hit (#7 on the country chart). It only became an anthem after 9/11.

Phillip B said...

"Kitsch in the name of liberty is no vice"
Barry Goldwater

Anonymous said...

Johnny Walker said:

"...Maybe it's just because I come from a country where patriotism is practically non-existent..."

I think it's a bit more like you come from a more generally reserved country, where one doesn't feel the need to go around proclaiming one's love of their country/people to feel proud of what you've accomplished and survived. You lot made it through The Blitz, for Bowie's sake-- take THAT, Adolf!-- and if anyone has a right to be proud of what you can do as a people, it's you.

"Snarky" indeed; I still say you're so sweet, I'd like to dip you in tea like a Homewheat biscuit.

Cheers, thanks a lot

Storm (Anglophile In Residence)

DBenson said...

Once upon a time people served and sacrificed for their country instead of wearing flag pins and declaring themselves heroes for doing so. They also went out and did great things instead of demanding credit for what their countrymen did ("American Exceptionalism" is the politically correct term for "Gimme a gold medal 'cause I'm from the same country as guys who actually got off the sofa and did stuff").

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear. I posted the above, then I remembered the insanity that was the opening and closing ceremonies of the Olympics. Yeesh... I love you guys to bits, but WOW.

So, I'd like to amend my statement to say; Except for the balls-out lunacy of the Olympics opening, you lot don't *generally* go about yelling how great your country is, as a rule. ;)

Cheers, thanks a lot,

Storm

Johnny Walker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny Walker said...

Patriotism is a weird thing. I'm not sure if Americans realise this, but every time they say, "American is the best country in the world", they're also saying, "Your country is inferior to mine". Quite an obnoxious and self-righteous statement that rubs the rest of the world up the wrong way.

When Americans say, "God bless America" it's equally self-important. Do the rest of your fellow humans not deserve God's blessings?

As for patriotism in the UK: It doesn't really exist. It's not about us being reserved, people generally do NOT feel proud to be British. The only time you see people waving flags in the UK is during football tournaments or at racist rallies.

The amazing thing about the Olympics is that it's changed that. Or at least it did. I've lost count of the number of conversations I've had with the following exchange in it:

"I actually feel proud to be British for the first time ever!"
"I know!!"

That said, there's nobody anywhere more patriotic than a British man abroad. I've no idea what happens to us, but as soon as we leave our shores, we get very defensive about our country.

404 said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who despises that song. I usually don't mention it because disclosing that fact is usually accompanied by a collective gasp, followed by silence. It's as if I just literally shat on the gravestone of a beloved pet or something.

On a different note, Ken: I finally it to Boston after multiple decades of wanting to go. Went all around and saw a lot of wonderful sites. The highlight for me? Standing outside the Cheers exterior. Go figure.

Brisbane Escort said...

And we salute to her!

Kirk said...

I'm proud to be an Earthling.

MBunge said...

"every time they say, "American is the best country in the world", they're also saying, "Your country is inferior to mine"."


So, the truth hurts?

Seriously, while we Yanks definitely go overboard with it, I'm not sure "a country where patriotism is practically non-existent" is anywhere I'd want to live.

Mike

cadavra said...

For decades, the GOP always played "God Bless America" at their conventions and other functions, then suddenly it ceased and was replaced by "God Bless the USA." Someone once mentioned this to me, and I (half-)kiddingly replied, "They found out that 'God Bless America' was written by a Jew, so the order went out to find a 'real' American to write something similar."

Tim W. said...

Mike said: "Seriously, while we Yanks definitely go overboard with it, I'm not sure "a country where patriotism is practically non-existent" is anywhere I'd want to live."

Why on earth not? What makes a country's patriotism a reason to want to live there? How does that even make the list of attributes when deciding such things? I actually think overt patriotism is a strike AGAINST a country. Who the hell wants that sort of thing shoved down your throat?

I'm Canadian and am very proud of it, but one of the things I like about Canadians is they don't feel the need to blast how great the country is from the rooftops. No need.

Mister Charlie said...

A friend of mine WERE thrown out of a strip club for laughing, we were about 18, 19 and the movie was sooooo stupid and the music was sooooo cheesy we started joking around as you did and couldn't stop laughing. They finally asked us to leave as we were disturbing the three old men patrons in long coats.

Anonymous said...

Fair play, Johnny; you would know better than I. I just have great admiration for all the peoples of Britain, especially for surviving the Blitz; you're stronger than you seem to give yourselves credit for, just for surviving the food. And you still observe Poppy Day, whereas we remember our fallen with BIG HOLIDAY MATTRESS SALES!

I don't think America is the greatest country in the world, just the luckiest. For now.

Cheers, thanks a lot, and KBO!

Storm

Anonymous said...

"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."

Paul Duca said...

cadavra...that actually happened at meetings of America First, the isolationist group of the pre-World War II era, known for both anti-Semitism and Nazi sympathies. They wouldn't play "God Bless America" because it was written by Irving Berlin.

Brian Phillips said...

I don't have time to figure the percentage, but the bulk of the posts seem to be about one's love for America, or the Lee Greenwood song and not about the rather questionable display of patriotism.

So, it looks like the bulk of you read this blog for the articles!

Anonymous said...

HA! You're right, Brian P.; I didn't really address the post/topic itself, because all I could think of was the poor janitor guy for the club, shouting "Look, man, jizz-mopping for minimum wage is bad enough, but I'll be damned if I clean up split slut milk!".

Cheers, thanks a lot,

Storm