Monday, April 08, 2013

How Matt Lauer can save his career

INT. STARBUCKS – BEVERLY HILLS

CHARLIE SHEEN IS AT A SMALL TABLE HAVING COFFEE. HE’S JOINED BY MATT LAUER.

MATT: Hey, Charlie, thanks for seeing me.

CHARLIE: No problem. No one’s ever flown all the way across the country just to have coffee with me before. At least no man.

MATT: Well, I need some advice.

A HOT WOMAN CROSSES BY.

CHARLIE: Hey Angela. Unless you wanna give me a blowjob I have nothing to say to you, bitch.

ANGELA: Oh, Charlie, you’re so funny.

SHE SPITS ON MATT AS SHE MOVES OFF.

MATT: See? Right there. That’s the problem.

CHARLIE: What?  I didn't see a problem.

MATT: Women hate me! I’m charming, personable, warm. They spit on me. You slug them, trash their homes, dump them and your ratings go through the roof. What’s your secret, man?

CHARLIE: Well, first of all I’m better looking than you. There’s that. I have hair. You’re pretty bald, always wearing a suit. You’re the guy women go to for a loan.

MATT: I should get a toupee and dress like Justin Bieber?

CHARLIE: Good start.

MATT: I have to dress like this.  I host THE TODAY SHOW.

CHARLIE: Really?  You do?  I didn’t know that. Sorry. I don’t mean to offend.

ANOTHER HOT WOMAN WALKS BY.

CHARLIE: (to the woman) Wash your hair, dear.

SHE CHUCKLES THEN SPITS ON MATT AND MOVES OFF.

MATT: No, it’s alright. Only 2% of America watches.

CHARLIE: 2%? Jesus. More people came to my “Violent Torpedo of Truth” concerts. What a fucking mess. Women booed and threw things at me. I then got another sitcom with a guarantee of a hundred episodes so I’m set for life.

MATT: Unbelievable.

CHARLIE: In what way? I don’t understand.

MATT: Never mind. Look, I’m going to lose my job if I can’t win back the women audience.

CHARLIE: Win them back? So at one time you had them?

MATT: Yes, for twenty years.

CHARLIE: That’s pretty solid. So what horrific thing did you do that caused an entire sex to revile you?

MATT: I didn’t smile enough when Ann Curry talked.

CHARLIE: Say what?

MATT: I seemed distant.

CHARLIE: Are you shitting me?

MATT: And so when they fired her, it appeared I was behind it.

CHARLIE: Were you?

MATT: Well sure, but that’s not the issue.

CHARLIE: So what did you do?

MATT: I denied it of course. I worked with spin doctors. We blitzed the media with press releases from NBC executives saying I was the lone voice who wanted to keep her. Also, I send out damage control tweets. I pretend I’m excited over cooking segments.

CHARLIE: Wait! Stop! I’m getting physically ill. Alright, I got the answer. Here’s what you do.

MATT LEANS IN AND CHARLIE BEGINS TO WHISPER ADVICE.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TODAY SHOW SET – MORNING (TWO DAYS LATER)

THE SHOW’S IN PROGRESS. MATT IS ON CAMERA.

MATT: Thank you, Al. Glad I brought my umbrella. Now before we go to the next segment, there’s something I’d like to say to all you viewers. There’s been a lot of controversy and hearsay surrounding the firing of Ann Curry and my supposed role in it. Let me take a second to clear up a few things. First of all, Ann Curry sucked! She had no business being a co-host. Am I the only one who noticed that big stick up her ass? Jesus, people! Every interview was gut wrenching. Idiots got eliminated from THE VOICE. Big friggin’ deal! And you heard when I tried to have a little banter with her. It was like joking with a waiter. Can’t be done. And you knew it too. Yes, you did. So excuse me for not being phony and cooing all over this dead weight. Excuse me for being honest and feeling the exact same way you did. What the hell? We dump this broad and suddenly you love her? She’s a freaking victim? Yeah. I tried to get Ann Curry fired. What of it? You’re going to tell me Savannah isn’t way hotter? And look at those tits. Wow! She’s also younger, or are we going to pretend that that doesn’t matter? I’m tired of being blamed for this! Morning TV is a war, people. And I’m a warlord. I’m going to win! Win! Win!

TO PUNCTUATE THIS, MATT GETS UP AND BEGINS SMASHING THE FURNITURE. THREE SECURITY GUARDS RUSH ONTO THE SET TO RESTRAIN HIM.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TODAY SHOW – MORNING (THE FOLLOWING WEEK)

A CONTRITE MATT LAUER IS READING FROM A SHEET OF PAPER.

MATT: The regrettable remarks I made on this program last Monday were the result of an adverse reaction to pain medication I had been prescribed. I have been and continue to be under medical supervision. I apologize to all my fans and any viewer for my deplorable behavior. I was sick.  I was out of control, but I was sick.  Let me repeat that:  I was sick.  I hope you can someday see it in your hearts to forgive me.  Thank you. That’s all I have to say.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.  ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT – THAT NIGHT

SHOW IN PROGRESS. HOST NANCY O’DELL IS ON CAMERA.

NANCY: The big story tonight is that NBC has renewed Matt Lauer’s contract and he will continue as the host of THE TODAY SHOW for at least ten more years for what we hear is a substantial raise. Congratulations, Matt. And please call me. I’d love to go out and get a drink with you.

FADE OUT.

12 comments:

John said...

Matt could also convince people Ann Curry's really Deborah Norville's younger sister. That ought to get Today Show viewers back on his side (and if not, he can always move over and take Wilie Geist's job on "Morning Joe" after Willie takes his position...)

MikeBo said...

Absolutely brilliant posting, Ken. Having read it, I know for sure that Lauer is cooked.

Wayne said...

New segment. Where In The World Is Matt Lauer Getting Career Advice?

emily said...

It's obviously Ken, you could have written "2 and 1/2 Men" in your spare time.

Pacwest Wholesale said...

The day we see Charlie Rose doing a cooking segment we'll know the apocalypse is nigh.

Johnny Walker said...

There's an unpleasant amount of truth to this posting! The world loves a "bad boy"! :)

Anita said...

Well done, Ken.

BigTed said...

It is kind of funny that when Lauer was considered a "hunk," all the morning-show viewers (i.e., women) thought he was a great host. Now that he's older, rounder and losing his hair, suddenly he's not so talented anymore.

chuckcd said...

Does this mean Charlie Sheen has tenure?

Coco said...

Friday Question alert:

Are foley artists used on TV? I understand adding in sound effects like birds chirping or looping unclear dialogue, but is every other background effect added in? Like doors opening and closing, foot steps, stuff being banged around?

Jer said...

Does this mean Charlie Sheen has tenure?


Sheen has something better than tenure, because sexual harassment is one of those things that guys with tenure can still lose their jobs over.

Arya Samaj wedding Delhi said...

Indeed a nice post! I am also from the SEO background and love to enjoy reading fresh posts on this subject. I would like to thank you for writing this post and now I am your regular reader as I have subscribed your blog in my RSS reader.

Arya Samaj wedding Delhi