Monday, April 08, 2013
CHARLIE SHEEN IS AT A SMALL TABLE HAVING COFFEE. HE’S JOINED BY MATT LAUER.
MATT: Hey, Charlie, thanks for seeing me.
CHARLIE: No problem. No one’s ever flown all the way across the country just to have coffee with me before. At least no man.
MATT: Well, I need some advice.
A HOT WOMAN CROSSES BY.
CHARLIE: Hey Angela. Unless you wanna give me a blowjob I have nothing to say to you, bitch.
ANGELA: Oh, Charlie, you’re so funny.
SHE SPITS ON MATT AS SHE MOVES OFF.
MATT: See? Right there. That’s the problem.
CHARLIE: What? I didn't see a problem.
MATT: Women hate me! I’m charming, personable, warm. They spit on me. You slug them, trash their homes, dump them and your ratings go through the roof. What’s your secret, man?
CHARLIE: Well, first of all I’m better looking than you. There’s that. I have hair. You’re pretty bald, always wearing a suit. You’re the guy women go to for a loan.
MATT: I should get a toupee and dress like Justin Bieber?
CHARLIE: Good start.
MATT: I have to dress like this. I host THE TODAY SHOW.
CHARLIE: Really? You do? I didn’t know that. Sorry. I don’t mean to offend.
ANOTHER HOT WOMAN WALKS BY.
CHARLIE: (to the woman) Wash your hair, dear.
SHE CHUCKLES THEN SPITS ON MATT AND MOVES OFF.
MATT: No, it’s alright. Only 2% of America watches.
CHARLIE: 2%? Jesus. More people came to my “Violent Torpedo of Truth” concerts. What a fucking mess. Women booed and threw things at me. I then got another sitcom with a guarantee of a hundred episodes so I’m set for life.
CHARLIE: In what way? I don’t understand.
MATT: Never mind. Look, I’m going to lose my job if I can’t win back the women audience.
CHARLIE: Win them back? So at one time you had them?
MATT: Yes, for twenty years.
CHARLIE: That’s pretty solid. So what horrific thing did you do that caused an entire sex to revile you?
MATT: I didn’t smile enough when Ann Curry talked.
CHARLIE: Say what?
MATT: I seemed distant.
CHARLIE: Are you shitting me?
MATT: And so when they fired her, it appeared I was behind it.
CHARLIE: Were you?
MATT: Well sure, but that’s not the issue.
CHARLIE: So what did you do?
MATT: I denied it of course. I worked with spin doctors. We blitzed the media with press releases from NBC executives saying I was the lone voice who wanted to keep her. Also, I send out damage control tweets. I pretend I’m excited over cooking segments.
CHARLIE: Wait! Stop! I’m getting physically ill. Alright, I got the answer. Here’s what you do.
MATT LEANS IN AND CHARLIE BEGINS TO WHISPER ADVICE.
INT. TODAY SHOW SET – MORNING (TWO DAYS LATER)
THE SHOW’S IN PROGRESS. MATT IS ON CAMERA.
MATT: Thank you, Al. Glad I brought my umbrella. Now before we go to the next segment, there’s something I’d like to say to all you viewers. There’s been a lot of controversy and hearsay surrounding the firing of Ann Curry and my supposed role in it. Let me take a second to clear up a few things. First of all, Ann Curry sucked! She had no business being a co-host. Am I the only one who noticed that big stick up her ass? Jesus, people! Every interview was gut wrenching. Idiots got eliminated from THE VOICE. Big friggin’ deal! And you heard when I tried to have a little banter with her. It was like joking with a waiter. Can’t be done. And you knew it too. Yes, you did. So excuse me for not being phony and cooing all over this dead weight. Excuse me for being honest and feeling the exact same way you did. What the hell? We dump this broad and suddenly you love her? She’s a freaking victim? Yeah. I tried to get Ann Curry fired. What of it? You’re going to tell me Savannah isn’t way hotter? And look at those tits. Wow! She’s also younger, or are we going to pretend that that doesn’t matter? I’m tired of being blamed for this! Morning TV is a war, people. And I’m a warlord. I’m going to win! Win! Win!
TO PUNCTUATE THIS, MATT GETS UP AND BEGINS SMASHING THE FURNITURE. THREE SECURITY GUARDS RUSH ONTO THE SET TO RESTRAIN HIM.
INT. TODAY SHOW – MORNING (THE FOLLOWING WEEK)
A CONTRITE MATT LAUER IS READING FROM A SHEET OF PAPER.
MATT: The regrettable remarks I made on this program last Monday were the result of an adverse reaction to pain medication I had been prescribed. I have been and continue to be under medical supervision. I apologize to all my fans and any viewer for my deplorable behavior. I was sick. I was out of control, but I was sick. Let me repeat that: I was sick. I hope you can someday see it in your hearts to forgive me. Thank you. That’s all I have to say.
INT. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT – THAT NIGHT
SHOW IN PROGRESS. HOST NANCY O’DELL IS ON CAMERA.
NANCY: The big story tonight is that NBC has renewed Matt Lauer’s contract and he will continue as the host of THE TODAY SHOW for at least ten more years for what we hear is a substantial raise. Congratulations, Matt. And please call me. I’d love to go out and get a drink with you.
By Ken Levine at 6:00 AM