Pregnant & Dating

In my eternal quest to find you the most idiotic reality shows, I present for your astonishment – PREGNANT & DATING. Who knew with a title like that that the show would be absurd? It airs on WE.

The show follows five pregnant available women. There’s Kiesha, formerly of the group Xscape… Shana, a former bikini model… Melissa, a fashion stylist… Megan, a knothead from the O.C. (“I went to Taco Tuesday. Unfortunately, there was tequila. And now I’m pregnant. It’s crazy.”)… and Rachel, a TV sports producer who’s having twins.

We see Kiesha on a date with Ben, an imbecile who looks like a young cute Michael Bolton. She asks all these subtle leading questions like, “What do you think about kids?” and “Would you ever date a pregnant girl?” and yet he still doesn’t pick up on what she's he’s driving at. How did this cretin have the mental capacity to even sign the release form?

But Ben was Einstein compared to Beau, Melissa’s date. Picture a grey-haired Frederick Weller. Melissa is 7 ½ months along. She asks why he didn’t call her for months following their first date and his eloquent answer (for two straight minutes) was “Uh… er… uh…well… um…yeah… uh… you see… um…hmmm… y’know…” And he stopped calling her before she was showing, so now good luck.

Shana meets two of her equally pregnant friends. They argue over whether to wear lingerie. And what kind of panties. One says she doesn’t wear them at all… and never did. But that’s okay because quote: “I don’t feel wet anymore.” The topic turns to sex. SEX IN THE TRAILER PARK CITY. A big problem for these women is the misconception that men feel they’d hurt the baby during sex. But one preggo gently reassured her boyfriend by saying, “Sweetheart, you are not that big.”

Mensa Megan meets with her mom. “Why are you so mad at Tony (the dad)?” mom asks. Megan answers: “Not being there for me when I needed Benadryl.” Meg is adamant that Tony not play a major role in her child’s upbringing. As she says, “Just because he’s a sperm donor doesn’t mean he’s the father.” This is why we need sex education in the second grade. Reach them while they’re still in school.

Meanwhile, Kiesha is moving into a giant glass house in Malibu that she plans to share with her platonic hip hop pal, Ryan, and sassy girlfriend Princess. Princess wants to set her up with a friend who is 51. Kiesha thinks that’s way too old. Ryan is indifferent. Princess says the guy is in law enforcement and suddenly Ryan is outraged. “Really? You’re going to date a cop?” Dating a guy twenty years her senior is not a problem but a cop? Unconscionable. But Princess lets him have it. “What are you drinking in that glass,” she asks, “Hate-orade?” THREE’S COMPANY meets DUMB AND DUMBER.

Shana and her mom check out their midwife. Shana is horrified that she’s gained twenty pounds. She’s carrying a bowling ball in her stomach and her weight has ballooned to 134. Her mother, ever concerned about her daughter’s wellbeing asks “What about stretch marks?”

Copies of this episode will make wonderful gifts to these unborn babies in another twenty years. It will explain so much to them.

Rachel meets a blind date. Picture Tom Haverford from PARKS & REC. He obviously didn’t know beforehand his date was due…  with twins yet. It’s the same look a guy would have if his blind date was Roseanne. Rachel is into football. He’s into skiing. Rachel admits she’s never skied. "Tom" says, “That’s just immoral.”

Melissa meets her blind date, a nice guy named Joe. He too is somewhat surprised to see his companion is moments away from her water breaking. He is an independent film director. Melissa talks directly to the camera and says: “Indie filmmaker, no money, no time, and is probably going to want me to work for him for free. I’m trying to have an open mind.” Yeah, you surprise a guy by being eleven months pregnant and you’re the one who needs to keep an open mind?

I’m waiting for the sequel: DELIVERING & DATING.

Back to the Malibu mansion where Kiesha reveals to her roommates that’s she’s in a motherly way. Princess reacts by saying: “OMG. What the fudge?” Ryan wants to know the daddy. Kiesha says “me.” Ryan gets off a good line by saying, “So you're having Jesus?” Ultimately, Ryan’s okay with it. He says: “You gotta prep, take pre-natal vitamins.” The two girls are so blown away by how expert he is on the subject to conclude (correctly) that he must’ve knocked someone up himself. Soon to be FIVE’S COMPANY meets DUMB AND DUMBER.

We follow Shana on a maternity photo shoot. Gamer that she is, she says: “In modeling, even if you feel like an elephant, you still have to look pretty.”

The storyline continued to the next episode where Kiesha finally sends for her mom to tell her she's pregnant. Mom rolls up in a limo. Happy to say she took the news well. They actually flashed subtitles when she spoke English. That was it for me. I was laughing too hard. I needed an epidural.

PREGNANT & DATING is complete with the usual crying, angst, pretty people, upscale settings, cloying background music, and jaw dropping stupidity. How would I feel, I wondered, if I were in that situation? If my blind turned out to be pregnant. It would be a shock but I think I could get past it. However, if my blind date was not pregnant but said she watched PREGNANT & DATING, I think I would fake a heart attack and just leave.