Thursday, June 13, 2013

Pregnant & Dating

In my eternal quest to find you the most idiotic reality shows, I present for your astonishment – PREGNANT & DATING. Who knew with a title like that that the show would be absurd? It airs on WE.

The show follows five pregnant available women. There’s Kiesha, formerly of the group Xscape… Shana, a former bikini model… Melissa, a fashion stylist… Megan, a knothead from the O.C. (“I went to Taco Tuesday. Unfortunately, there was tequila. And now I’m pregnant. It’s crazy.”)… and Rachel, a TV sports producer who’s having twins.

We see Kiesha on a date with Ben, an imbecile who looks like a young cute Michael Bolton. She asks all these subtle leading questions like, “What do you think about kids?” and “Would you ever date a pregnant girl?” and yet he still doesn’t pick up on what she's he’s driving at. How did this cretin have the mental capacity to even sign the release form?

But Ben was Einstein compared to Beau, Melissa’s date. Picture a grey-haired Frederick Weller. Melissa is 7 ½ months along. She asks why he didn’t call her for months following their first date and his eloquent answer (for two straight minutes) was “Uh… er… uh…well… um…yeah… uh… you see… um…hmmm… y’know…” And he stopped calling her before she was showing, so now good luck.

Shana meets two of her equally pregnant friends. They argue over whether to wear lingerie. And what kind of panties. One says she doesn’t wear them at all… and never did. But that’s okay because quote: “I don’t feel wet anymore.” The topic turns to sex. SEX IN THE TRAILER PARK CITY. A big problem for these women is the misconception that men feel they’d hurt the baby during sex. But one preggo gently reassured her boyfriend by saying, “Sweetheart, you are not that big.”

Mensa Megan meets with her mom. “Why are you so mad at Tony (the dad)?” mom asks. Megan answers: “Not being there for me when I needed Benadryl.” Meg is adamant that Tony not play a major role in her child’s upbringing. As she says, “Just because he’s a sperm donor doesn’t mean he’s the father.” This is why we need sex education in the second grade. Reach them while they’re still in school.

Meanwhile, Kiesha is moving into a giant glass house in Malibu that she plans to share with her platonic hip hop pal, Ryan, and sassy girlfriend Princess. Princess wants to set her up with a friend who is 51. Kiesha thinks that’s way too old. Ryan is indifferent. Princess says the guy is in law enforcement and suddenly Ryan is outraged. “Really? You’re going to date a cop?” Dating a guy twenty years her senior is not a problem but a cop? Unconscionable. But Princess lets him have it. “What are you drinking in that glass,” she asks, “Hate-orade?” THREE’S COMPANY meets DUMB AND DUMBER.

Shana and her mom check out their midwife. Shana is horrified that she’s gained twenty pounds. She’s carrying a bowling ball in her stomach and her weight has ballooned to 134. Her mother, ever concerned about her daughter’s wellbeing asks “What about stretch marks?”

Copies of this episode will make wonderful gifts to these unborn babies in another twenty years. It will explain so much to them.

Rachel meets a blind date. Picture Tom Haverford from PARKS & REC. He obviously didn’t know beforehand his date was due…  with twins yet. It’s the same look a guy would have if his blind date was Roseanne. Rachel is into football. He’s into skiing. Rachel admits she’s never skied. "Tom" says, “That’s just immoral.”

Melissa meets her blind date, a nice guy named Joe. He too is somewhat surprised to see his companion is moments away from her water breaking. He is an independent film director. Melissa talks directly to the camera and says: “Indie filmmaker, no money, no time, and is probably going to want me to work for him for free. I’m trying to have an open mind.” Yeah, you surprise a guy by being eleven months pregnant and you’re the one who needs to keep an open mind?

I’m waiting for the sequel: DELIVERING & DATING.

Back to the Malibu mansion where Kiesha reveals to her roommates that’s she’s in a motherly way. Princess reacts by saying: “OMG. What the fudge?” Ryan wants to know the daddy. Kiesha says “me.” Ryan gets off a good line by saying, “So you're having Jesus?” Ultimately, Ryan’s okay with it. He says: “You gotta prep, take pre-natal vitamins.” The two girls are so blown away by how expert he is on the subject to conclude (correctly) that he must’ve knocked someone up himself. Soon to be FIVE’S COMPANY meets DUMB AND DUMBER.

We follow Shana on a maternity photo shoot. Gamer that she is, she says: “In modeling, even if you feel like an elephant, you still have to look pretty.”

The storyline continued to the next episode where Kiesha finally sends for her mom to tell her she's pregnant. Mom rolls up in a limo. Happy to say she took the news well. They actually flashed subtitles when she spoke English. That was it for me. I was laughing too hard. I needed an epidural.

PREGNANT & DATING is complete with the usual crying, angst, pretty people, upscale settings, cloying background music, and jaw dropping stupidity. How would I feel, I wondered, if I were in that situation? If my blind turned out to be pregnant. It would be a shock but I think I could get past it. However, if my blind date was not pregnant but said she watched PREGNANT & DATING, I think I would fake a heart attack and just leave.

34 comments:

LouOCNY said...

Post Partum Depressed and Dating

Ron Clark said...

I'm an atheist, and yet shows like this still make me hope that there is a special circle of Hell reserved for the caricatures of human beings that create and participate in them.

emily said...

You're making up all of this, right Ken? Right? Please...

Richard Rothrock said...

When I was in college in the 1980s, male foreign students newly arrived in America had this notion that all American girls were slutty & easy. When asked where they got that notion, they responded from American TV shows like DALLAS, etc.

What impressions of Americans do they get from these shows?????????????

Richard Y said...

My question as well - this can NOT be real!!!!

Verna said...

I couldn't read your post past the 1st paragraph. I was suddenly overcome by the stench of all those great ideas desiccating in the hot Burbank sun, while this crap is funded.

Robert Pierce said...

So I guess you're not going to vote for the show?

Ron Clark said...

I'm waiting for the first poster to come on here and defend this show as "deliciously naughty" or a "guilty pleasure" or "it's just TV, lighten up". Once that happens, you will all hear a clicking sound; that will be the sound of us slipping down one more notch on the evolutionary ladder. If you are one of the people who enjoy this (or the other shows of this ilk), then you're the target audience for the next hot program of a guy sitting on his toilet shitting while tuba music plays.

Robert Pierce said...

"Itz Da Shitz: Myrtle Beach" is already in production...

Sean Christie said...

Friday Question:

In your illustrious career as a writer, have you ever come across and befriended a successful Canadian writer who got work (an agent and staffed on a show) and a work permit (visa)?

Just wondering, because that's been my situation this past year in L.A. on a student visa.

Thanks,
Sean Christie

Joseph Scarbrough said...

How far we've fallen... how far we've fallen... I mean, what kind of a society do we live in now where getting pregnant out of wedlock (and just having sex outside of marriage in general) is celebrated? Look in the past couple of years, all the Hollywood starlets who simply just could not wait to do it right (Natalie Portman, Drew Barrymore, Adele, Jessica Simpson... TWICE, Halle Berry, et al.) and everybody has been congratulating them acting like it's a good thing. Well, sure, bringing life into the world is a good thing and all, but it's like smoking or drinking... NOT that smoking and drinking are good things, I mean to say that it's something that has to be done responsibly, and nobody in our world today seems to know what that's about or what that means.

Kanye West REALLY puts the "less" in "tasteless" and "classless" when he goes around bragging about how he knocked up Kim Kardashian and she's now his baby momma (uh, Kayne, "baby momma" is supposed to be a negative term, man)... I honestly feel sorry for that child and it hasn't even been born yet... between having a fame whore mother who always wants the media in her personal life, and an immature father who always throws violent temper tantrums like a four-year-old, I think we should call Child Protective Services NOW, because that is SERIOUSLY gonna be one effed up child.

Not only that, but here recently, the hotes of THE CHEW (y'know, that ABC show that's a carbon copy of THE VIEW, since ABC got rid of all those soaps that made them famous) were encouraging viewers to live together before marriage because it gives you a chance to get to know each other better before you take the plunge... uh, no, living together before marriage shows there are trust issues in your relationship (well, actually, they just want to live together beforehand just to see if they're good in bed)... if you need time to get to know each other, that's what the concept of dating is all about: getting to know each other better. If you get to know each other, and see that you're compatible with one another, and the two of you truly love each other, then you take the next step and get engaged... which of course leads to marriage, THEN you can live together and have sex and all that good stuff. That's the responsible way to do it.

And if you think PREGNANT & DATING is bad, you know that VH1 or MTV or whoever also has a new reality show out now where mothers and their teenage daughters get pregnant at the same time on purpose?

Seriously... whatever happened to morals and scrupples in our society? Whatever happened to society in general?

Sorry for the soapbox speech, but Ken just happen to select a subject I'm really touchy about, and the more I see this kind of selfish and reckless sexual behavior in our world today (and at the same time, it's more and more encouraged), the more it makes me want to do actual soapbox speeches about it.

Brian Phillips said...

A fellow who really digs reality shows says that he knows the game is on when someone says, "I'm not here to make friends! It is said quite a lot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w536Alnon24

Perhaps this show's motto could be, "I'm here to make (at least one) friend!"

Igor said...

It's simply The Jerry Springer Show overlaid on a Real Housewives/Jersey Shore/Bachelorette template. Jeesh.

Mike McCann said...

Ken,

I hate saying this, but maybe my late mother's advice was right: "Turn the set off."

Steve said...

Sounds like the ultimate endorsement of Roe vs. Wade to me.

Harold X said...

I like your implication that it takes intelligence to sign a release.

What intelligent person would ever consider appearing on one of those "reality" shows. And if "Hater-ade" isn't a producer's embellishment, I'll eat at Mconald's for a week.

Loosehead said...

You were actually sent this crapola "for your consideration"? Amazing.
I guess its okay that this stuff is on TV - there's loads of channels that don't fill themselves, it can't all be high quality and there must be people out there watching it ("Hey Cletus, isn't that your Charlene on the TV?") - but I do despair that these wastes of oxygen are making money out of it when good workers can't get jobs.

Eric J said...

I shows the deplorable state of television. Not just the show, but the fact that a professional would think it something worth review. A cheap laugh at the expense of a cheap laugh show is still a cheap laugh.

Heidi said...

Hi, Ken,

I'm a big fan (of your blog, and of course your work.)

I just left a comment on Twitter about a musical I wrote that is premiering in Hollywood tomorrow. It's a loving homage to vintage sitcoms and a commentary on how television has changed (and how it changes us.)

Anyway, what we've observed in our research is that it seems producers tend to be marketing shows that audiences hate-watch. And we miss the shows that people used to love-watch. It's pretty clear that "Pregnant and Dating" is the former, not the latter.

We'd love to have you or your local readers come love-watch The Real Housekeepers of Studio City. www.therealhousekeepersofstudiocity.com - let me know if you'd be interested in tickets.

Scooter Schechtman said...

To Joseph Scarbourough:
That speech was already made on a soapbox in River City (1912), and also included "rebuckling their knickerbockers below the knee!"

MikeBo said...

Thanks for the "heads up," Ken. If I happen to come across this turkey, I'll just keep surfing until I find "Pawn Stars."

RCP said...

Joseph Scarbrough said...

"...THEN you can live together and have sex and all that good stuff. That's the responsible way to do it."

Would you email me your Commandments, Joseph? I want to make sure I have a copy handy at all times.

Very funny description of yet another lame show, Ken!

Barry Traylor said...

I have just realized why I deleted the WE channel of my DVR. The only problem is my wife will most likely tell me more about this show than I EVER want to know.

D. McEwan said...

Can the actual show be as funny as this column is?

Joseph Scarbrough, my parents would thank you for spewing out the rigid, anti-life, utterly non-realistic "morality" of 150 years ago, which created endless misery and horrors, as any "morality" system that runs so deeply counter to humans' deepest instincts invariable will, except they died of old age some decades back. (Just guessing: Were you one of those stick-up-the-ass dolts who had a cow when Murphy Brown had a child out-of-wedlock 20 years ago?)

Question, Joe, I'm gay and not legally allowed to marry, Are you saying I should have gone to my grave a virgin? Marraige is not for everyone, but sex is.

What we need is not an outdated false "morality" that ALWAYS did far, far, far more harm than good; what we need is to educate our young people on birth control, and make it freely available to all. The reason we don't do that well enough is because attempts at teaching anything other than the fantasy of "Abstinence" are virulently opposed by moronic assholes spewing the same uptight bullshit you were just spewing.

D. McEwan said...

Why oh why hasn't The Soup been showing us clips from this idiocy? Sounds perfect for them.

Cap'n Bob said...

And yet, it's STILL better than Honey Boo Boo.

Storm said...

Once again, the Grouchy Gay Man is the Voice of Reason. I love you, Mary.

Cheers, thanks a lot,

Storm

Phil In Phoenix said...

I think at some point during most of these pitch meetings, someone must say something along the lines of "And we call it "The Aristocrats!"

Zack Braniff said...

You've probably tripled their viewership, at least for a few minutes. Was this one funded by Prickstarter?

Diane L. said...

If you would like to have a bit more faith in humanity as well as reality TV, check out Push Girls on the Sundance Channel. The pushing is not pregnancy related, (thank goodness!) it's wheelchair related. And these women are engaging, real and funny. The first season was well done and hopefully they won't cheese up the second one.

MattA said...

Steve, I was thinking the exact same thing. No wonder California is so pro-abortion. They're trying to do the rest of the country a favor.

Anonymous said...

The most idiotic reality show was "Married by America" on FOX.

Meganaballi1 said...

Thanks for the laughs Kevin! Would love to clear some things up for you! @meganaballi

Ken Levine said...

Hi Megan,

Happy to let you clear up things. Email me at bossjock@dslextreme.com.

Ken