Saturday, February 15, 2014

My worst birthday EVER

Thanks to everyone for your lovely birthday wishes.  I not only survived it but had a nice day.    MUCH better than my birthday several years ago. 

But first, this is your last chance to get the Kindle version of my memoir, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s) for only $0.99.  Here's where you go to order yours.   Learn how I became the demented person I am and which rock star I threw out of a record store listening booth.   This offer ends at midnight.  

Okay, now to the post...

This is an absolute true story.

I was just about to turn 55 (which is traumatic enough). It was 11:15 at night. I was watching this documentary series on HBO about the Porn industry. Hey, it just happened to be on.

They were asking various porn stars a series of questions. One of the questions was “What WON’T you do?”

One by one they listed all manner of depraved acts. No double-penetration. No triple-penetration. No groups more than ten. No animals. No S & M. No vegetables. They were rattling off kinky and disgusting acts I didn’t even know were possible. The most humiliating, degrading sexual requests you could ever imagine.

Finally, they get to one girl who says, “Hey, whatever. They’re paying me. I’ll do just about anything…” and then she added, “As long as it’s not with a guy who’s like 55.”

That was it. My life was over. Torture was fine. Goats were fine. But sex with a 55 year old, that’s where you draw the line.

I spent that birthday in a fetal position under my desk familiarizing myself with what benefits I was entitled to under Medicare.

21 comments:

An (is my actual name) said...

Upside: Your chances of contracting goat pox dropped significantly.

Klee said...

Happy Belated Birthday! 55! Wow, on the bright side, that'd be about 95 in gay years.

Kate said...

Goat Pox!!! Literally lol.

Scooter Schechtman said...

At my age,like Martin Amis sez, I no longer snag on women's DNA. How sharper than a serpent's tooth is the first respectful "Sir".

Tom Quigley said...

So that means Miley Cyrus won't do it with you either -- her cutoff age is 40... No big loss...

blinky said...

I got the book, but don't let the 99 cents go to your head and go all Hollywood on us.
I like the short, one sitting size chapters. I may actually finish it unlike Ulysses- I think that book was just one long sentence.

MikeBo said...

No guy over 40, huh. Bimbo didn't know what she was missing. Happy Birthday, Ken. Glad you and your talent have a long way to go.

SharoneRosen said...

honestly, if that was your worst birthday ever, you have led a charmed life!

(I thought you were adorable when I saw you at "A Day in the life of MASH at UCLA 20+ years ago and I still think you're adorable!)

Cap'n Bob said...

If it's any consolation,The Happy Hooker said her best sex partner was a 65-year-old man.

Liggie said...

I remember a feature on one of those "Real Sex" shows a porn star who was a 67-year-old ex-Marine. It was fun watching (censored, of course) clips of this gruff guy with a grey flattop paired with 21-year-old porn starlets ... who all thought he was great at his job.

Nice to see some variety in that genre.

Mary Stella said...

I feel bad for laughing out loud at that story since it was so traumatic and awful for you.

Several years ago, I worked registration for a video distribution convention in Atlantic City. During break, I was down in the Ladies Room at the same time as two porn performers from the Adult Film section of the show. I overheard this conversation and it scarred me for life:

1st woman: I love the new company I work for. They let me have sex with people I know.

2nd woman: Like your boyfriend?

1st woman: Uh huh. We did a threesome with a girlfriend last week too.

2nd woman: Wow. People you know. That's great.

1st woman: Even better, sometimes my dad's the cameraman.

VincentS said...

Happy belated birthday, Ken.

Anonymous said...

I doubt she'd turn down George Clooney at 55.

But somebody who doesn't work out regularly, or never cared about much of anything else regarding his look is certainly out of luck at 55.

So she didn't mean 55. She meant 55 yo's who quit giving a shit long ago.

mmryan314 said...

Oh my God- this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. A "Curb.." funny thing.

Dale said...

Happy birthday Ken. Sorry to be late. Busy weekend.

Angry Gamer said...

I laughed hard at that joke.

Like in my Top Ten right up there next to the Hangover 2 Stripper "reveal" scene.

I would give you a field promotion to from Comedy Genius to Comedy General.

Saaaalute

Wayne said...

In show biz no-no sex, 55 is the new 7.

The Mutt said...

My bad birthday story trumps them all. My birthday is September 11.

Liggie said...

Mutt, after 9/11, I read an anecdote of a woman whose birthday that was. Her sister called to commiserate on the bad timing, and then said "Join the club." Why? He siste's birthday was November 22, JFK's death.

Mike Barer said...

I notice that you, as a former Mariners play by play man, share a birthday with Dave Sims, the current Mariners TV play by play man.

Mike said...

It'd have been worse if you were gay, Ken. Being forty is the gay porn equivalent of being a senior citizen. At least straight porn isn't so single-mindedly obsessive about youth as its gay equivalent.

A confession: I did some gay porn work quite a number of years. I wasn't a "star." Just a guy who needed to make a few bucks, and who had the right assets to do it, and no inhibitions about taking my clothes off and doing the nasty with a bunch of bored guys standing around looking at their watches and wondering how much longer this was going to take.

There are actually a lot of nice people in the porn world. Something to keep in mind is that who these people are in real life is quite different from their porn personas, which are crafted to appeal to people's more lurid interests in a way that plays on both fascination and repulsion. ("Oh, my god, that's disgusting. Wait, shut up. I want to hear what else she said she does.")

That was the interesting thing to me about being a porn performer. So many people who are fans of the stuff will lust after you in a major way, but don't respect you as a person. Which is why, even today, almost everyone who does porn hides behind a pseudonym and keeps a distance between this work and the rest of their lives. And why, once they've left the business, tend to want to leave that part of their life as far behind as possible.

For me, it was a step up from dancing in bars (hey, if Lana Turner could be discovered at a soda fountain), and was a more interesting way to work my way through college than waiting tables.

My mother still blames herself for it. She just knew she shouldn't have let me stop going to Mass when I was 12.