Thursday, December 11, 2014

The SHARK TANK scene I'd like to see

WARNING: This post contains sexual content and may be viewed by some as offensive. And worse, there are some bad puns. If raunchy material concerns you, we’ll see you tomorrow. Have a great day. My guess is you’re going to read this post BECAUSE of the disclaimer.

Performance artist Casey Jenkins of Melbourne, Australia has been knitting a scarf from a ball of yarn inserted in her vagina. I kid you not. Here’s a video (not for the squeamish):

Yes, the art world needs this. Now you might not think there’s a practical purpose for this rather unique, er… skill, but I beg to differ. This is just the kind of product I’d like to see on SHARK TANK. So join Casey as she pitches Mark Cuban, Barbara Corcoran, Kevin O’Leary, Lori Greiner, and Robert Herjavec.


ANNOUNCER: Now entering the Shark Tank, a young woman with the birth of a new idea.

Casey Jenkins enters the room and addresses the group.

CASEY: Hi, Sharks. My name is Casey Jenkins and I’m the founder and CEO of “Fruit of the Womb” scarves and I’m asking for $250,000 for 10% of my company. Who wants cheap mass produced scarves when you can have knitted fabric that truly comes out of a human being? There are no costly machines. No sky-high electric bills. Each scarf is hand-knitted from yarn that is stored in a woman’s vagina. So which Shark is going to snatch this opportunity?

The Sharks give their customary patronizing chuckle.

KEVIN: Do you have a factory?

CASEY: No, at the moment it’s just me.

KEVIN: As an investor am I allowed to inspect the process.

CASEY: Not for 10%.

BARBARA: This is insane.

MARK: Do you have any licensing deals with sports teams?

CASEY: There’s a university in Oregon that has inquired.

LORI: How did this business come about, Casey?

CASEY: I have a cat, and often times he would jump on the table and unravel the yarn, so I needed a place to hide it.

KEVIN: Y’know, that’s usually the first place boys think to look.

BARBARA: I can’t believe this.

ROBERT: Is there anything proprietary about your vagina?

BARBARA: Seriously. What is going on here?

CASEY: We do have some design patents pending.

KEVIN: Can I inspect the drawings?

BARBARA: Kevin! Jesus!

LORI: How many of these have you sold?

CASEY: In the last six months – four.

ROBERT: Why so few?

CASEY: I sometimes forget to remove the ball of wool before taking bathroom breaks.

BARBARA: Kill me now, God. Please kill me!

KEVIN: Is there a way a person could double the production? If there was a place to say, store a second ball of wool?

BARBARA: Kevin, that is gross, disgusting, and highly uncalled for!

KEVIN: All I care about is making money.

BARBARA: Dear God!

MARK: What are sales like?

CASEY: I’ve sold three.

MARK: On line?

CASEY: No. I sold one to a man in a raincoat, and the rest is from word-of-mouth.

LORI: Have you approached the Big Box stores with this? I would think this is a big box item.


MARK: You really muffed that.

KEVIN: Could Robert and I both go in on your vagina?

BARBARA: Can we stop the tape?

LORI: What do you need the money for, Casey?

CASEY: I’d like to expand my business. Get a few more knitters. Make ski sweaters.

MARK: Casey, I usually buy technological products. And you haven’t convinced me that you can make smart phones out of your vagina so for that reason, I’m out.

CASEY: Okay. Sorry to hear that. The Mavericks suck, by the way.

ROBERT: My father was an immigrant and did all kinds of menial labor when he first got to this country. He worked 16 hours a day to support his family. Give me a second to cry. Another second for Lori to cry. (beat) Okay. The point is I buy into any company that offers employment opportunities similar to what my father did, and since he never knitted out of any orifice, I’m afraid I’m out.

CASEY: Fine. You might want to touch up the dye job on that hair.

MARK:  Lori?

LORI: Well, like most women, I’ve stored yarn in my vagina but I sometimes forget that it's there, so I’m out.

BARBARA: I’ve never done that. Why would a woman do that?

LORI: I don’t always have pockets.

KEVIN: I’ll make you an offer. I’ll get in bed with you.

BARBARA: This can’t be happening.

KEVIN: I’ll give you the $250,000 but I want 80%, a $2.00 royalty on every item in perpetuity, your house, any inheritance you may receive for the next fifty years, and your cat. Oh, and you have to renounce your Australian citizenship and admit that Nicole Kidman was miscast as Grace of Monaco.

CASEY: Can I think about it?

BARBARA: That’s it! This is over.

Barbara springs out of her chair, grabs Casey by the hair, and begins dragging her out of the room.

CASEY: Hey, what are you doing? Aaaaaaa!

KEVIN: (calling out) You can give me your answer tonight over dinner!


Just a couple more days of the big sale on my humorous memoir, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60S).  How many other Christmas gifts can you give that cost less than a dollar and won't be insulting.   Here's where you go to order yours.  Thanks. 


Hamid said...

CASEY: I have a cat, and often times he would jump on the table and unravel the yarn, so I needed a place to hide it.

That killed me.

Anonymous said...

Hey Ken,

Probably the funniest thing I've ever read on your blog. I love it when you review Shark Tank.


Wayne said...

Knitting a scarf from yarn in your vagina? One question. Is it virgin wool?

The Bumble Bee Pendant said...

So funny! Especially the line about pockets. An inverse Kangeroo pouch?

But How is Daymond not in this episode? He's the apparel expert. He'd be all up in this junk. He'd even put up the V sign. For Victory of course.
Thank goodness that pussy (cat) gave the woman the inspiration.

Matt said...

I think it is hilarious that she is hiding the yard from her pussy, but they should have just gotten rid of her by giving her the shaft.166

Hamid said...

Ken, what do you make of the Golden Globe nominations? For the best musical or comedy TV series, they've nominated:

Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Jane the Virgin

I haven't even heard of the latter three and I don't recall you or anyone mentioning them on these pages.

emily said...

OK, I lost it at "snatch this opportunity?"

Diane D. said...

Well. I have only been reading this blog for a few months so I admit to being shocked by this particular post. I thought when I got to the comments, I might find some equally appalled individual. But, no, just more bad puns and merriment!

Man, how is this funny?

Dan Ball said...


It's funny because it's satire.

Charles Emerson Losechester said...

I think that lady who knits things from yarn in her pussy would have a been a great guest character on MASH. Margaret Houlihan would have been all crabby and trying to reprimand her, but ultimately Kinger saves the day by supporting what she does by wearing her garments, and ends up using one as a bandage which saves a wounded soldier's life. And we all learn a little something about humility and non-judgmentalism.

And the "hot lips" double entendres abound.

Pat Reeder said...

If she really wants to impress me, let's see her take some inspiration from Penn & Teller: insert a ball of yarn and two knitting needles in there, wiggle around for a few minutes, then pull out a Christmas sweater.

To Diane D.: If you don't like bad puns, you'd better leave before the "on the rag" references start flying.

Doug R. said...

The OSU reference was funny.

Diane D. said...

Not a good answer, Dan Ball. Lots of satire (which I love) doesn't involve anything like watching someone knit her way through vaginal blood.

However, I realize my comment may have sounded judgmental, and I didn't intend that. I just don't get it, but maybe that's because I have a hard time laughing when I'm puking.

LOL, Pat Reeder. Now, that's funny.

cshel said...

Having a skien of WOOL yarn inserted into the vagina was one of the forms of torture for women terrorist prisoners that just came to light in the release of the CIA Torture Report. They nicknamed the technique "The Bush Administration".

Anonymous said...

I'm with Barbara on this one....

Pussy Galore said...

Not especially funny, however, it may be a new direction for the 2 broke girls, once they tire of selling their muffins.

Mike Barer said...

Not much to say here except that a bird in hand is worth, or never mind!

Cap'n Bob said...

A little respect for the lady, please. This is folk art at its finest. I'm going to commission a ski mask from her.

brian t said...

I watched the video ... imagine if Daphne from Frasier tried something like that? Martin would choke on his beer, Frasier would have an attack of Stehndahl Syndrome, and Niles would simply Plotz.

PS: for those of us outside the USA - "Shark Tank" is the USA version of the UK show "Dragon's Den" (which was itself loosely based on a Japanese show).

Anonymous said...

Is that where the Austrailian phrase " Down Under " comes from ?
Dave A.

Carmen Finestra said...

I'm glad the writing conditions of THE COSBY SHOW have come up, because I was a writer/Producer on the show for five-and-a-half seasons, and I want to correct some of what you wrote, Ken.

I enjoy your blog, but feel compelled to respond today.

The writer you spoke to somehow gave the impression Cosby would blow smoke in our faces when giving notes, or just to possibly mess with us, and I can say that is NOT true. Yes, Cosby smoked cigars often, and if smoke somehow drifted in our faces (I don't ever remember one incident of that happening to me), it would have been because of a wind change and accidental.

Secondly, Cosby DID NOT make a habit of using funny voices at table readings to mock the script. If, as happens sometimes at a reading, some general silliness broke out, e.g., somebody mangled a line (and even they laughed at their mistake) someone might have fun with that. Or Bill might do a funny voice when kidding that person. But he was just as willing to be made fun of by the cast when he made a mistake. Remember, we had kids in the show, so silliness can happen sometimes.

I have to give a little history on why scripts were written on Wednesdays through Sundays on the show. In the first couple of seasons, scripts were prepared well in advance (with a couple of drafts and a table polish). The problem was Bill Cosby has such a fertile mind, and it's always working, he would often have a different take on a script once he heard it, and throw it in a different direction.... usually, I might add, in a far better direction. So, the writers would face a big rewrite, but the story was better.

The writers, by the third season, decided that instead of pitching stories a month out, they would meet closer to the actual reading to clear a story and write the script, knowing chances were better that Bill wouldn't change his mind on the story. Thus we began writing Wednesday for a Monday reading. These scripts were closer to first draft shape, and we didn't expect them to be home runs. However, the story would usually remain the same. So, we would work on that draft, with great notes from Cosby, incidentally, and whip it into shape for the Thursday taping. Obviously, this required long hours, but it was satisfying, when viewing the end product.

Bill had total creative control of the show, and one advantage was NO network interference.

One of the great pleasures creatively for me was sitting with Cosby three mornings a week discussing story and comedic ideas for the show. It was like your own 2-hour Bill Cosby comedy concert, because he could riff on something off the top of his head for 15 minutes and have you bust a gut laughing. His mind is like Jazz, constantly moving in all directions, and I think what enabled myself and the other writers on staff to succeed is that Bill understood we got it, i.e., what he was looking for.

The atmosphere on the show, as far as the crew was concerned, was very good. It was a completely integrated crew from top to bottom, and had a very nice family atmosphere. Cosby went out of his way to make sure African-American technicians, etc., were hired, and black and white crew worked well together.

If anyone's Mom showed up, Cosby treated her like the Queen of England, and lavished attention and love on her. My Mom, an Italian immigrant with little education, spoke about the day she met Cosby for the rest of her life. I never forgot it, either.

Yes,writing the Cosby Show required very long hours, but almost every writer who came out of it, got a huge boost in their career. I was able, with Cosby Writer Matt Williams, and David McFadzean, to help create HOME IMPROVEMENT, which was also a hit.

I know everyone wants to jump on Bill Cosby now, but I thought he was a good boss. He was demanding, but isn't every creator of a show who wants it to be good? Ask Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld.

Ken Levine said...


Thanks for the great response. Great to get insight from someone who was there.