I assume your Christmas decorations are up. It's Christmas Eve. And Merry Christmas Eve, by the way. But the question is always: when should you take them down?
is my friend Kevin’s house in the residential San Fernando Valley.
He’s Jewish but loves to celebrate the colors and lights of the season.
This tradition began (as most things do) because his girlfriend at the
time really loved Christmas decorations.
There’s not another house on his block even remotely as elaborate. I bet you can see Kevin's house from space.
Most people take down their Christmas decorations after the first of
the year. Certainly by Memorial Day.
But I guess if you take them down earlier you face dire consequences.
A couple of years ago Kevin made the mistake of striking his on December 26. This
caused an absolute shitstorm with his neighbors. Their wrath knew no
seasonal bounds. Kevin’s house was egged, he was left threatening
notes, and people he didn’t even know called to scream at him.
But the coup de grace was this: His neighbor from across the street, who he never talks to and has no relationship with whatsoever, called him.
TINA: Kevin, this is Tina from across the street. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!
KEVIN: Excuse me?
TINA: Why did you take down your Christmas decorations? Are you INSANE?
KEVIN: Um, Christmas is over.
Yes, but I have a big New Year’s Eve party every year and one of the
big attractions is that everybody likes to look at your decorations.
And now you’ve RUINED MY PARTY!
I mean, how do you
possibly respond to that other than sending invitations for their next
New Year’s Eve bash to the Hells Angels?
Now to review: Out of
the goodness of his heart (the girlfriend has long since moved on to
Tiger Woods or whomever) Kevin puts up the decorations on his own time
and at his own expense.
And this is how he’s rewarded.
I wouldn’t entirely take down your holiday decorations this year. I
would remove all the lights and the big snow globe like you normally do
but I would hire a Department Store Santa to sit on your front porch
with a fucking bazooka. A few blasts from Rudolph the Red Nose Rocket
Launcher and by God, your neighbors will once again rekindle that holy
spirit of Christmas.
But wait -- there's more.
Last year there was a power outage in his neighborhood and all the neighbors blamed HIM. His decorations overloaded the system. More angry emails and calls. Then it was discovered that (a) it was a grid problem miles away, and (b) Kevin uses his own generator. So again, nice way to thank somebody for providing enjoyment for YOU.
May you have a wonderful Christmas Eve... unless you live on Kevin's block.