Monday, April 13, 2015

FURIOUS 7 -- A ten car pile-up of a movie

I know it’s a colossal boxoffice hit, breaking records worldwide. People are obviously clamoring to see this movie. So a review by me is not going to have the slightest effect on anything. The only reason I’m doing it is because I just have to get it off my chest.

A couple of points first. I love action movies. I recognize them as escapist fare. Who doesn’t love a good thrill ride? Who doesn’t like to sit in a theater and think “COOL!!!” when some spectacular feat is performed right before your eyes on a giant screen in THX sound?

There are always plot holes. You have to suspend a certain amount of belief. When Superman turns back into Clark Kent how come his business suit is never wrinkled? And where on the Superman costume does he store Clark’s glasses? When James Bond is captured, why doesn't the supervillain just shoot him? How does Jack Bauer get cellphone service in an airplane? Who teaches Indiana Jones’ classes when he’s off looking for Jesus’ pencilbox? You have to allow for some creative license. We pay good money precisely to “cut to the chase.”

Filmmakers need to up the ante. That’s the nature of action flicks. 70 year-old Lotte Lenya trying to kick James Bond with a spike in her shoe ain’t gonna cut it anymore (FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE). We’ve seen explosions. Ho hum. We’ve been on car chases. Nameless armies in matching colorful jumpsuits have been wiped out by one secret agent or anthropology professor. New stunts must be conceived. And executed. Thanks to CGI, blue screen, and other techno tricks, seemingly anything you can imagine can now be realized.

The first FAST & FURIOUS was a fun movie. There were some white-knuckle sequences and they did a great job of establishing relationships between the lead-foot drivers.

So I went into FURIOUS 7 with high hopes and low expectations.

Now my review, hopefully in a style not too derivative of Pauline Kael:

FURIOUS 7 is an absolute fucking mess! What the fuck was that?! No, seriously! There’s not a fucking frame of this stink burger that’s rooted in any reality. Roadrunner cartoons are more realistic. Is this what the action film genre has become? Mindless idiotic fucking stunts that defy all laws of gravity, physics, logic, and common sense? Hand-to-hand combat where the combatants beat the living shit out of each other and neither is even bruised? They crash through glass walls. No cuts. They hit each other with lead pipes. No blood. Their heads are smashed through concrete walls – not even a mild concussion. What the fuck was I watching? Nobody dies. Cars go over cliffs, roll over seventeen times, are twisted gnarled wrecks when they finally come to a rest 1,000 feet down the hill, and the passengers just wriggle out without so much as a scratch. At least Wile E. Coyote looks disheveled when he swallows a lit stick of dynamite that explodes in his stomach. Not Vin Diesel. Not Jason Stratham. Not the Rock. Creative license is one thing but this is fucking preposterous.
Cars go flying out of airplanes, the GPS-directed parachutes open, and the cars land right side up on the highway. Are you fucking kidding me? A car drives through a window in a skyscraper and lands in the adjoining skyscraper. And they do this stupid stunt twice!

In THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, a skier takes off from a mountain and we follow him down thousands of feet until a parachute opens. It’s a thrilling memorable sequence. Why? Because it really happened. There was a stuntman who actually skied off a mountain. NONE of these fucking FURIOUS stunts were real. No fucking car drove from building to building. It’s all bullshit.

And the dialogue was worse than the stunts. Just one fucking cliché or slogan after another delivered in dead serious tones.

“The thing about a street fight is that the street always wins.”

“I’m going to put a hurting on him so bad, he’s gonna wish his mama kept her legs closed.”

“Time to unleash the beast.”

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time. You do too. That’s why we’re brothers.”

Otherwise, it’s just relentless destruction. A fucking drone zooming overhead in LA shooting rockets? The military wouldn’t shoot that thing out of the sky in five seconds? They need super spyware to locate people yet occasionally just call time out and everyone flies to a new world location to resume the mayhem somewhere else. Now we’re in Abu Dhabi/now we’re in downtown Los Angeles. And if the film wasn’t blatantly exploitative enough, the overblown action is punctuated with shameless shots of hot girls in bikinis writhing or pouring water on themselves.

Then, as an afterthought they do a tacked-on tribute to the late Paul Walker. It’s maudlin and cringeworthy. And somewhat offensive considering he died in an auto accident and the movie celebrates two-plus rollicking hours of crash porn.

I fully expect to get some angry comments. I’m too old to appreciate head-on collisions at full speed where nobody even gets whiplash. I somehow missed the subtleties of the complex relationships (Paul Walker is having a hard time adjusting to being a father and not leaping out of planes – haven’t seen that storyline before), I take things too literal (like the existence of gravity), I’m jealous, I’m not as smart as critics, I have a thing against reckless driving, Vin Diesel wouldn’t let me create a sitcom for him, Sean Connery isn’t in it, I’m a snob, I now can’t sell my idea for a new Tom & Jerry movie, I don’t appreciate “Furious LORE,” or finally, I’m just an idiot.

Have at it. But it’s not going to change my mind. On a scale of 1-100, I’d have to say FURIOUS 7.

To repeat:  What the fuck?!

79 comments:

Texas Annie said...

Don't hold back Ken, tell us how you really feel!

Anonymous said...

"There's just one thing, Dude. Do you have to use so many cuss words?"

Chester said...

Nicely said, Ken.

I haven't seen this one, but I was dragged to FF6 by my nephew and said at the time that it's simply a cartoon with people instead of animation. Sounds like this more of the same. Yawn.

Rock (meep-meep) Golf said...

"Roadrunner cartoons are more realistic."

Ironically, the first Roadrunner cartoon was titled "The Fast and the Furry-ous".

Really.

MikeK.Pa. said...

"Is this what the action film genre has become? Mindless idiotic fucking stunts that defy all laws of gravity, physics, logic, and common sense?"

Yes, foreign markets rule in distribution and the bar is set very low.

"Cars go flying out of airplanes, the GPS-directed parachutes open, and the cars land right side up on the highway. Are you fucking kidding me? A car drives through a window in a skyscraper and lands in the adjoining skyscraper."

Have you not seen the illogical leap the bus in SPEED makes to navigate the missing highway span? Now, that was unbelievable and you had to suspend logic.

"In THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, a skier takes off from a mountain and we follow him down thousands of feet until a parachute opens. It’s a thrilling memorable sequence. Why? Because it really happened. There was a stuntman who actually skied off a mountain."

Probably the most impressive stunt I've seen was the house frame collapsing on Buster Keaton in STEAMBOAT BILL JR. Two inches either way and he's seriously concussed, if not killed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FN2SKWSOdGM

"And the dialogue was worse than the stunts. Just one fucking cliché or slogan after another delivered in dead serious tones."

It's an action movie. You're lucky if you get a catch phrase to remember like "I'm be back" or "Make my day." The film has already passed $800M globally. Look for FAF8 at a theater near you soon.

Reminds me of the Billy Wilder quip about the turnout for reviled studio head Harry Cohn's funeral: "Well, give the people what they want."

That's what FAF7 has done. Obviously this is what many movie viewers want. I don't particularly like these kind of films, but it's hard to argue given the financials. Sometimes, you just can't fight the masses.



Mike said...

You left out how he was able to drive his car after crashing full speed into another one, and shooting his shotgun through the floor, and having a handgun shot through the floor as well.

That said, I would vote this for Best Picture.

Dan Ball said...

I guess the name FURIOUS has a double-meaning: it describes the action and Ken Levine after he's seen it. :D

I'm maybe on the fringe of the target demo, but I've yet to see even one FAST & FURIOUS movie. It worries me that a guy who directed two of them is directing the next STAR TREK. WTF. I guess the Enterprise will be going where no bro's gone before, yo.

Pat Reeder said...

I've never seen a "Fast and Furious" movie and doubt that I'll start now. I'm just not that entertained by things that "blowed up real good." But I can sympathize with your experience.

One summer years ago, I had to drive my wife across town for a theater rehearsal and had several hours to kill, so I went to a dollar movie theater. I didn't care what the movie was; I figured I was getting a bargain by paying a dollar to escape from the Texas heat, and I could stand to watch virtually any crap for two hours. The only movie showing at the right time was Nicolas Cage in "Gone in 60 Seconds."

When I came out of that, I wanted to demand my dollar back.

Oat Willie said...

I call these Exploding Helicopter Movies. All fireballs, no boobity.

Hamid said...

I'm going to respectfully disagree on a couple of things, but first on what I do agree with you on.

Just last night Raiders of the Lost Ark was showing on TV again and it's one of those movies I never tire of watching. I must have seen it at least 80 or more times. 34 years on, it's still an absolute masterpiece of action cinema. Three things stood out in the context of what's being discussed here: the plausibility of the action sequences, the use of practical effects and the editing.

The sequence where Indy clings to the front of a truck, ends up sliding underneath and then climbs back on and punches out the Nazi has often been imitated but never equalled. It's believable because you can see it's Ford in close-up on the front of the truck and you can see the stunt double underneath it. There's no CGI or green screen, it's a real truck and there are real explosions. And with Furious 7 still fresh in my mind, which like so many movies now has shots that don't last longer than 2 seconds, it was remarkable to be reminded how gracefully and restrained Spielberg shoots the scenes. Shots often last up to about 20 seconds if not longer and the scenes are covered from a few choice angles instead of 200 different set-ups.

Furious 7, though I did enjoy it, has many of the problems afflicting action films in general. Not just absurd spectacle that could never happen in reality but an absolute excess of CG. A movie like Titanic or Avatar needs CG, I get it. But why on earth do they give us CG explosions? CG smoke? There's no meat to the spectacle anymore because the CGI takes you right out of the movie. I can see that's not a real helicopter exploding. I can see that's not a real explosion. The artificial appearance of the smoke and flames is excruciatingly noticeable. In Raiders or Die Hard or Terminator 2, those were real vehicles and buildings being blown up. The move away from practical effects has ruined much of escapist cinema. Is it really cheaper to have a CG helicopter instead of a real one?

Where I disagree with you is on two points. The tribute to Paul Walker wasn't tacked on and I found it incredibly moving, because the words spoken by Vin Diesel at the end are from the heart. He and Paul Walker really were best friends and when he tragically died, they suspended production for a few months to rewrite the script in order to give his character a proper send-off.

The other point:
the overblown action is punctuated with shameless shots of hot girls in bikinis writhing or pouring water on themselves.

And the problem with that is? :-D

emily said...

After an abusive review of “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” director George Roy Hill wrote a letter to Pauline Kael:

“Listen, you miserable bitch, you’ve got every right in the world to air your likes and dislikes, but you got no goddam right at all to fake, at my expense, a phony technical knowledge you simply don’t have.”

...like no business I know...e

Loosehead said...

Agree with you on every fuck fuck fuckety-fuck. But. You might want to find a different example than the gag in The Spy Who Loved Me, as a 7-year-old boy did just that but without the parachute in the Alps a couple of days ago. Terrible tragedy.

Diane D. said...

I can enjoy the action/adventure genre, but rarely go see pure action. However, since every 12 screen theater in my area opened FF7 on 6 of them, I decided to see what it was all about. Chester had the most succinct and accurate description: Yawn. I left after 30 minutes; it was a stupid boring movie. It is indeed, just a cartoon with people instead of animation.

Diane Anonymous asked if you had to use so many cuss words, but if any movie ever deserved the use of the adjective "fucking" 8 or 10 times, it was this one.

Diane D. said...

Putting "Diane" in the second paragraph was a mistake.

blinky said...

I believe this trend in no blood car wrecks and gunfights goes back to TV's A TEAM. Mr T and the crew would get in a massive gun battle with the bad guys for 10 minutes and nobody got a scratch. It was called Family Hour.

Anonymous said...

Cleanse yourself and watch Steve McQueen, Bill Hickman, Carey Loftin et al. The BULLITT chase seen remains available on tne Internet. See what a realistic chase looks like thanks to great stunt drivers and restrained editing.

-30-

Brent said...

Ken, I wasn't planning on seeing the movie anyway, but thanks for the review. I've seen a couple of trailers and my main thought was the skyscraper thing was just ridiculous.

In order to get the taste of it out of your mouth and also lower your blood pressure a little bit, go to a ballgame. The M's are playing the Dodgers in LA the next three days. If listening to Vin can't get the enjoyment back in your life, nothing can.

Jeff :) said...

I laughed (in a good way) reading your review Ken. You were right on the nose with almost every point. Ironically this is why I loved the movie. It was so over the top fake, that I couldn't help but smile, put my brain aside for 120 minutes, and enjoy the ride. But I can certainly see where others would genuinely hate films such as this.

Anonymous said...

I simply adored this movie. I am saying it - the action scene with those trees/cliff in FF7 was better than the action scene in the first INDIANA JONES.

Finally, a movie - FF6, that is better in action than the first INDIANA JONES.

See, the young directors are showing and out-competing the old directors. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

Hamid,
Was the action in FF7 better than Indian Jones?

The action where they parachute on the highway into that amazing chase, wasn't that better than the truck chase scene in INDIANA JONES (FIRST ONE)?

And the Dubai action scene where the sports car dives into three buildings on the 48th floor. Wasn't that better than all the action from Indiana Jones (all 4 versions)?

Anonymous said...

Brent,
I don't know if you write action scripts. But writing those action scenes in FF7, is simply not easy to write.

As an exercise, would you write an action scene from FF7, and post it. Maybe we should all do that as an exercise.

Did you read the scripts FF+ , THEY ARE simply amazing. Lean and concise, flying off the page.

Covarr said...

A large part of the beauty of this franchise is that they really strongly push for practical effects, only using CGI for things like masking out wires. If you go into this with the mindset that most of these stunts genuinely do have at least one foot in reality, it becomes interesting to watch just from that perspective.

For example: the car/plane thing? They really did that. They actually pushed cars out of a cargo plane, as shown in this featurette: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F540eW4fs9Q

While the results of that stunt might not be realistic, it's worth watching from this perspective just because of how much of it was real.

Anonymous said...

Covarr,
Don't you agree the young directors coming aboard are doing amazing action scenes?

Just curious to know if the old school of action is over?

VincentS said...

If it's any consolation, Ken, I refer you to the great William Goldman's philosophy toward sequels from his excellent book, WHICH LIE DID I TELL? Sequels are, in his wors, "whore movies." They are made solely to make money, so no one should be surprised if the quality of them are never an issue to their makers. And FYI: Superman kept his Clark Kent clothes in a secret pouch inside his cape.

Markus said...

"Who doesn’t love a good thrill ride? Who doesn’t like to sit in a theater and think “COOL!!!” when some spectacular feat is performed right before your eyes on a giant screen in THX sound?"

Uh... I don't. Seriously, I don't. I hate that shit.

But then, this isn't new. In the sense of the word "mindless" action, while of course escalating due to belief-suspending CGI, has been a Hollywood staple for years and decades. That's why comic franchise movies look the way they do. That's why "new" Star Trek movies look the way they do. There is absolutely nothing remotely clever or subtle about it, it's all one giant turd of popcorn and bubblegum. That's why "Hollywood blockbuster" hasn't been used as a compliment in a long long time. It's this crap that's giving "Hollywood" a bad reputation among people with at
least half a brain. I guess the problem boils down to the fact that these people try to make action that is a movie, not a movie that is action.

There are ways to use CGI in a clever manner. There are ways to make clever movies, even clever action movies. But this bullshit isn't it. This is the Kardashian of movies. Something people go see because it's what other people go see since it's all over the news for some crazy reason.

Dave Logan said...

Most moviegoers go to Furious 7 for the car chase porn, not the plot. That said, I thought the ending with the soft farewell to Paul Walker was nicely done.

Anonymous said...

Markus,
I swear , I did not know if they used CGI in Fast and Furious.

The action looked so real.

It was the best of the best.

Loved it.

Hooray for these new action directors. They are simply brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Dave,
Why do you call it chase porn?

It's for our generation.
Slick, cool and very fast and memorable. They are date movies.

Anonymous said...

I'm at a loss on the Paul Walker thing. He died being a dumb ass doing what CGI does in the movie. Sad he and Roger Rodas died, but stupid is, as stupid does. We should just be glad they didn't hit any else when they were being stupid.

Jon B. said...

To Diane D,

You mentioned you left the movie after 30 minutes, declaring it to be a "stupid boring movie". What was it that caused you to leave at the 30 minute mark? Just curious. I've never left a movie I paid for. Perhaps you just reached the point that you knew it wasn't going to be enjoyable to watch any longer.

tb said...

I can't even sit through TRAILERS for this shit, let alone watch the movies

A. L. Crivaro said...

"The other point:
the overblown action is punctuated with shameless shots of hot girls in bikinis writhing or pouring water on themselves.
And the problem with that is? :-D"


The problem is that the film is marketed to young people, both boys and girls, and shots like this serve only one purpose: to reinforce in the minds of those youngsters the idea that girls/women are not people, but rather things to stick a penis in. Which is wrong. And harmful to society.

That's the problem : |

Johnny Walker said...

I haven't read all the comments, but my understanding is that FF7 has its tongue firmly in its cheek (which I gather FF6 did, too). The idea is to stop taking itself so seriously and just have some OTT fun with the technology.

I mean at #7 what are you going to do? How many car stunts are left? At this point they're just having fun... Or that's my understanding at least.

I haven't watched any of the series since the first one -- and immediately noticed it was a remake of POINT BREAK with cars instead of surf boards.

YEKIMI said...

Played this stinkfest at a theater I manage. Flies were coming in from three surrounding states to land on the screen. Unrealistic crap to damage [even more] the brains of the idiots that think this stuff is believable. A drone the size of a 737 shooting missiles in LA? There would be 28 news choppers in the air covering this before the first one even detonated. Guess Homeland Security was at the beach that day when the mysterious black helicopter showed up with the bad guys. Taking out one cell tower stops a computer from uploading/downloading a virus? Don't let Verizon know that, they'll jack up their rates even more. My experience, if a cell tower goes down the signal just switches to the next closest tower. Don't think the Verizon guy would be yelling "Can you hear me now?" as he's running across a roof to manually patch the call through. More likely to be yelling "I fucking quit!" I could go on but why bother? You ripped this one a new A-Hole...which it very much deserved.

Mike said...

>reinforce in the minds of those youngsters the idea that girls/women are not people, but rather things to stick a penis in. Which is wrong. And harmful to society.

Yet if you tell these women to dress modestly, the feminists will come after you.

And technically what is really harmful to society is if women aren't giving birth.

Allan V said...

The CGI-orgy that constitutes today's actions movies is one of the reasons that I don't enter theaters that much anymore.

I'm not that much of a Stallone fan, but I found it refreshing a few years back when he said that today's movies have become much too dependent on computer effects.

When "Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull" was made, Spielberg and the others behind it said that they were going to limit the use of CGI to give it more of a consistent feel with its predecessors. And yet, they still used hundreds of CGI shots.

Jason Tatane said...

It's what it is, a nonstop action cartoon. Fun, funny, pretty emotional. The one liners are pretty fun. Been a while since I had that much fun in a movie theater.

The world responds to it. Maybe it's not your cup of tea (a general "your"), but there is something in here.

I've always thought it's better to understand what's working, not what sucks.

Anonymous said...

Ken, this really cracks me up.

Muldoon: "There's coffee in my coffee!"

Anonymous said...

Allan,

Looking back , the Indiana Jones movies , all them, really are awful by current- now standard.

They don't stand time. In the year 2016 and 2017, when we compare Indiana Jones with Fast and Furious 8, 9 and 10 - Indiana Jones looks awful.

Things are changing Allan, movies like FF7 are paving the future.

One of the worst movies was Indiana Jones 2, it was worst.

And to think of it, Indian Jones 4 was the 2nd worst.

Why are they making Indian Jones 5.

FF 8. 9 and 10 and 11 will beat them at the box office.

Cap'n Bob said...

Hamid: The Indiana Jones stunt you mention wasn't really a first. Check out Stagecoach. Yakima Canute did the same thing only he worked his way from the horses, under the coach, and up the back of the coach while the team was at full gallop.

Jason said...

I assume "Anonymous" is anonymous so we'll think those are the opinions of multiple people? Rather than one person using the exact same phrases over and over again in multiple posts?

Diane D. said...

To: Jon B

I don't know very many people who walk out of movies, but I walk out of lots of them. Even though I've paid for it, I figure I'm not going to get my money back for staying.

I've always had a sense of desperation about wasting my time, and I just cannot sit through a movie (or anything else) if I am getting absolutely nothing from it.

And you're right, after 30 minutes of FF7, I knew it wasn't going to get any better for me.

Diane D. said...

To: Jason Tatane

I loved your comment for it's dispassionate approach to the subject. It made me feel badly that I had said the movie was stupid and boring without qualifying it by saying "for me."

I think your statement: "The world responds to it" is definitely worth thinking about. It reminded me of when I first heard 12 tone music (on CD) and thought it was just noise. Then I saw 4 talented musicians playing their hearts out and realized there must be something to it, whether I could hear it or not or whether I liked it or not (I don't).
I hope lightning doesn't strike me for comparing FF7 to Classical Music.

Anonymous said...

That poster doesn't look right. Who is that at the end? The hacker looks nothing like that.

Hamid said...

Cap'n Bob

Thanks. I'll check it out. I think I was vaguely aware of that being the inspiration for the Raiders stunt.

One further comment regarding Furious 7. Ken is right regarding the first in the franchise. It's still the best. The director Rob Cohen is old school when it comes to practical effects and solid storytelling. While the sequels have been about being bigger and more spectacular, the first movie counterbalanced the action with a strong plot and characterization.

A.L. Crivaro

I assume you're just as outraged at Magic Mike and its forthcoming sequel that shows crowds of women screaming with joy at the sight of naked male heartthrobs gyrating?

Hamid said...

Anonymous @ 2:14 PM

That's Jordana Brewster.

D. McEwan said...

Vincent S is right about where Superman kept his Clark Kent drag, according to the comic books. It does not, however, explain why the suits weren't ever wrinkled (Kryptonian fibers?), or why the pouch never made itself obvious when the cape billowed despite the pouch full of suit, glasses and [Folded?} shoes being heavier than the rest of the cape. Of course, it also never explained what powered his flying.

"Who teaches Indiana Jones’ classes when he’s off looking for Jesus’ pencilbox?

You make-a me laugh aloud.

"Now my review, hopefully in a style not too derivative of Pauline Kael: FURIOUS 7 is an absolute fucking mess! What the fuck was that?! No, seriously! There’s not a fucking frame of this stink burger that’s rooted in any reality."

I've read pretty much every word Miss Kael ever published, and I'd say you've captured her style perfectly, at least as perceived by certain directors whose work she did not care for.

I'm afraid this will be the seventh consecutive Fast & Furious movie I've failed to see. Here's hoping they make many more for me to skip.

I saw The Imitation Game over the weekend. The stunts in that were shit. And Benedict Cumberatch's being a(nother) genius and also gay was all done with CGI. Honestly, people out-think Nazis in a room, inventing a computer to do it with, and then walk out unscratched and unbruised? Sure, pull the other one. Plus they kept cutting to rooms full of people who were gratuitously fully dressed. What kind of lousy movie has a gay hero and not one guy ever takes off his shit, not even Allen Leech, who looks just fine undressed? and how the hell am I supposed to listen to two hours of intelligent dialogue? Not even one: "Compute THIS, Adolph!"

D. McEwan said...

That should say "What kind of lousy movie has a gay hero and not one guy ever takes off his shirt, not "takes off his shit."

A. L. Crivaro said...

"I assume you're just as outraged at Magic Mike and its forthcoming sequel that shows crowds of women screaming with joy at the sight of naked male heartthrobs gyrating?"

Translation: Because guys, on occasion, are capable of being treated like animals too, that makes the message the media sends to girls and young women that "it's more important to be sexy than to be a person" right.

luciuspaisley said...

I don't know if you're very litigious, but there might be a case of plagiarism if you're so inclined...

http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/movies/furious-7-is-utter-rubbish-and-heres-why-20150413-1mjzt1.html

Jeff said...

Friday Question!

Will the bill below kill radio?

Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) and Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) introduced the "Fair Play Fair Pay Act" today that would end regulations that allow terrestrial radio stations to avoid paying royalties to artists and labels.

http://nadler.house.gov/press-release/reps-nadler-and-blackburn-introduce-fair-play-fair-pay-act-2015

Ken Levine said...

luciuspaisley,

I'd just say he and I are on the same wavelength. His review goes into more detail. It's a good read.

Cap'n Bob said...

When you walk out on a movie you can ask for your money back. Just don't wait until the final ten minutes and be sure you have your ticket stub. I'm sure theaters won't give you a refund but it doesn't hurt to ask.

A_Homer said...

Wait - Lotte Lenya was in a James Bond film?! Wild.

Paul Duca said...

Did you talk to your mother with that mouth?

VP81955 said...

Anonymous said...
Allan,

Looking back , the Indiana Jones movies , all them, really are awful by current- now standard.

They don't stand time. In the year 2016 and 2017, when we compare Indiana Jones with Fast and Furious 8, 9 and 10 - Indiana Jones looks awful.

Things are changing Allan, movies like FF7 are paving the future.


Dear Anonymous,

1. Are you a professional instigator?

2. Are you the same "Anonymous" who railed about script readers a few weeks back? Your paragraph style certainly indicates as such.

3. Have you noticed Ken's comment on anonymous commenters?

Anonymous said...

Cap'n Bob said...

"When you walk out on a movie you can ask for your money back. Just don't wait until the final ten minutes and be sure you have your ticket stub. I'm sure theaters won't give you a refund but it doesn't hurt to ask."

Nothing like some 19 year old at the ticket counter smirking at you, as he says "sorry you feel that way, sir, but I'm afraid we can't issue you a refund," to make the your weekend night out that much more special.

Is your name "Cap'n Bob" in real life?

I'm thinking it is.

I'm thinking you wear a little Cap'n hat, and all the neighborhood children refer to you as "Cap'n Bob."

-Chester

Anonymous said...

D. McEwan said...

"That should say "What kind of lousy movie has a gay hero and not one guy ever takes off his shirt, not "takes off his shit.""

D. McEwan is so gay, he decrypts his OWN messages!

Good luck with that, Christian gay deprogrammers!

-Chester

Barry Traylor said...

I saw the first one, but none of the rest. And I am perfectly happy with that.

Anonymous said...

i am in full agreement. And the line that gets me gagging is - I don't have friends. I have family. The word family was repeated more than ten times in case you did not get that the theme was family.

Mike Botula said...

Here's another case where the review is WAY better than the show. WAY! Now, go wash your mouth out with soap!

VP81955 said...

I can only guess whether the lady in my avatar -- notorious for her blue streak around people she felt comfortable using it with (that's why they called Carole Lombard "the profane angel") -- would have written a review in the manner Ken did. Then again, it is 2015, not 1935, so who knows?

Anonymous said...

Hey Ken,

You need to review episodes of "Girls" in the same manner, --LL

Anonymous said...

>That's Jordana Brewster.

How could I forget. The picture doesn't really look like her either. You could convince me Kate Middleton is in the movie.

Julia Littleton said...

I guess it's just a short ride from Herbie the Love Bug to this.

Jim said...

"What kind of lousy movie has a gay hero and not one guy ever takes off his shirt"


The director you're looking for is Michael 'Bully' Herbig, with (T)Raumschiff Surprise - Periode 1, a gay Star Trek spoof (the odd looking title is because Star Trek was called Raumschiff Enterprise, while Traumschiff was a German series equivalent to The Love Boat. The entire galactic fleet has just been destroyed. Then news arrives that one ship still survives. Cut to this. Or try the trailer with English subs.

If you'd prefer a gay spoof of the old cowboys and indians films, then try his Der Schuh des Manitu, which seems to have become through its stage adaptation the German equivalent of Spamalot. If you hate this song then you'll probably hate the rest of the film

D. McEwan said...

Dear Chester the Molester,

The homophobic bigotry you're so proud of is noted and logged. Enjoy being trapped forever in the past.

The Christians have tried to deprogram me my whole life, beginning with my Christian mother. They all failed and always will. Christianity has no power over the Reality-Based.

How on earth does a brain-washed robotic dope like yourself pass the "Prove You're Not a Robot" test?

Diane D. said...

Well said, D. McEwan. It makes me very sad to hear that someone has been trying to deprogram you all your life. I hope you have been able to open the minds of some of them. Willful ignorance is a powerful impediment to enlightenment.

Anonymous said...

McEwan Said:

"The Christians have tried to deprogram me my whole life, beginning with my Christian mother. They all failed and always will. Christianity has no power over the Reality-Based."

Not so fast there, McEwan.

Perhaps they were just trying to cure you of being a pyrotechnically self-indulgent asshole.

That is, maybe they thought if they could cure you of being gay, it would automatically cure you of being that asshole, and your gayness was a small sacrifice to make, in the service of procuring a countenance less foul.

You must admit it's an easy mistake for anyone to make in your case, McEwan, owing to their quite understandable existential desperation at the time.

Anyway, glad to hear you're still gay, sorry to know you're still a snarling asshole luxuriating in the fiery sulphurous pit of Hell's garden of lost souls.

-Chester

Anonymous said...

It really doesn't look good for someone associated with some of the whitest shows on television, to then call out a movie franchise that has one of the most diverse audiences.

tavm said...

To the last poster-Are you trying to race-bait Mr. Levine? Anyway, as a Filipino-American, I had no interest in Furious 7 nor any of its predecessors. I'll always prefer comedies especially ones by Laurel & Hardy or "The Big Bang Theory"...

Terrence Moss said...

my favorite chase scene was in "what's up doc?" because it was hilarious.

Leslie Lim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
D. McEwan said...

Chester, when it comes to being "A pyrotechnically self-indulgent asshole," I'd have to work very hard to even approach your level of assholery and outright hatefulness.

I must say, I do wonder who the hell you really are, because you clearly have a personal grudge against me for unknown reasons that far exceeds disagreeing with me on Facebook and your pathetic religious delusions. (You actually believe there's a Hell. That's so adorably stupid.) You are a sick puppy, and need actual therapy, not the fake counselling you get in your church, which certainly has not turned you into any kind of decent human being.

Did I have sex with you some time in the deep past and not call you after? Because your posts SCREAM "Closet Case!"

Mike said...

Almost nothing in your comments is valid.

>They crash through glass walls. No cuts.

I saw cars going through glass walls. The Rock ended up in a hospital in a cast after going through one.

> lead pipes. No blood.

That is typical.


>Cars go over cliffs, and the passengers just wriggle out without so much as a scratch.

Car was modified for that. Do pay attention, 007.

>Cars go flying out of airplanes, and land right side up.

So do paratroopers. That's how parachutes operate.

> A car drives through a window in a skyscraper and lands in the adjoining skyscraper.

I don't know that this is impossible. Over 240 MPH, is 250 feet per second, and the car is bulletproof. It didn't go to the skyscraper next door on the same floor but a huge drop. Newton's laws tell us a body in motion tends to stay in motion. So here we have 350 feet per second horizontal vs gravity.
This to me is more realistic than Speed's bus jump over a gap in a highway.

> NONE of these fucking FURIOUS stunts were real.

They use less CGI on this than most action films, and the series is known for this. I was surprised I couldn't tell the Paul Walker edits, other than the very dark scene.

>The military wouldn’t shoot that thing out of the sky in five seconds?

No they wouldn't. All they have is a helicopter flying around. I doubt they could get a drone in under an hour, and this was was launched from the helicopter.

>punctuated with shameless shots of hot girls in bikinis writhing or pouring water on themselves.

Yet if Kate Winsleet does it to soften Nazism, she gets nominated for an Oscar.

Anonymous said...

D. McEwan Said...

"Chester, when it comes to being "A pyrotechnically self-indulgent asshole," I'd have to work very hard to even approach your level of assholery and outright hatefulness.

I must say, I do wonder who the hell you really are, because you clearly have a personal grudge against me for unknown reasons that far exceeds disagreeing with me on Facebook and your pathetic religious delusions. (You actually believe there's a Hell. That's so adorably stupid.) You are a sick puppy, and need actual therapy, not the fake counselling you get in your church, which certainly has not turned you into any kind of decent human being."

I'm an atheist. Aren't you? I don't hate anybody, and to be perfectly candid, you're not any closer to behaving better than the last time I posted.

It is foolhardy for you to undermine my good works with pointless invective. I acknowledge that the primitive life seems easier than socialization into modern society, but take it from me, it's worth it. Again, I urge you to smother your inner douchebag, and embrace my call for your deliverance into civilized society.

I am as "homophobic" as Anne Sullivan was against the handicapped. She and I are nothing of the kind. Like Anne, all of us are here to do good works. One day, you'll learn to express gratitude, just like Helen.

Nobody expected her to learn to behave admirably, but she did.

So what I'm telling you now, McEwan, is this:

If that deaf, dumb, sucker-punching little shithead can learn to behave, I believe you can learn to do the same. I don't care what everybody else says. You can do it, McEwan. We can't eliminate your shortcomings, but we can overcome them.

Together.

-Chester

D. McEwan said...

"It is foolhardy for you to undermine my good works with pointless invective."

WHAT "Good Works"? All you do is spew venom, bile and homophobia. Saying yo're not homophobic doesn't cut it when you're trying to use my being gay as a weapon against me for reasons I still do not grasp.

You're a sad, pathetic little wretch, "Chester," or whatever your name really is.

D. McEwan said...

I'm terrible, terribly sorry. I omitted the word "Cowardly" from "You're a sad, pathetic little wretch." Please take "Cowardly" as being nestled between "Pathetic" and "Little".

About the "I'm not a robot" tests: Can't a robot be programmed to recognize pizza?

Thomas Watson said...

I think this film is getting a lot of credit because of the very classy way they paid tribute to Paul Walker.