Wednesday, January 25, 2017
NOCTURNAL ANIMALS -- my sort of review
AMY: Hey there.
AGENT: Hey yourself. This is so freaky. I’ve been in “Amy Adams Land” all morning, fielding projects for you.
AMY: Listen, I am so exhausted. I just finished JUSTICE LEAGUE. I’ve played Lois Lane three times now. All the running and CGI stunts – I’m pooped. And then ARRIVAL, I had to wear this bulky space suit, and those weightless stunts – ugh! For my next picture please find me something a little less taxing.
AGENT: Meaning what, love?
AMY: Think Bob Newhart on NEWHART. He just stood behind a counter. I want a role like that. But Oscar worthy certainly.
AGENT: I’ll see what I can do. I’ll be in “Matt Damon Land” this afternoon and then “the second daughter on MODERN FAMILY Land” tonight, but I’ll be back in your land first thing in the morning.
AMY: Thanks. I’m tired of being kidnapped or playing scenes with giant squids.
AGENT: Amen to that. Amen to that.
The next day Amy gets a call from her agent.
AGENT: Amy, darling, it’s me, Mr. “I heard you and am delivering big time as I always do.”
AMY: Whatcha got?
AGENT: The perfect project for you. It’s called NOCTURNAL ANIMALS.
AMY: What’s it about?
AGENT: I don’t know.
AMY: You don't know because you only read my part or the movie is confusing?
AGENT: No, I think because it’s not about anything. What was SUPERMAN about?
AMY: Fair point. So what do I do in this movie?
AGENT: You read.
AMY: Read what?
AGENT: A book.
AMY: Then what?
AGENT: That’s pretty much it. I think there are some scenes in restaurants where you wait for people, but pretty much you read a book. No dialogue to memorize either.
AMY: Sounds promising, but how will I get an Oscar nomination?
AGENT: There’s this amazing scene where you get a paper cut.
AMY: Oooooooh! I could squint, I could curse, I could yelp, I could be brave, I could faint –
AGENT: I can think of maybe three other actresses in the world who could pull that off. And Fran Drescher doesn’t make movies.
AMY: Why am I reading this book?
AGENT: Your ex-husband sent it to you. He wrote this novel that is supposed to hit home and make you uncomfortable.
AGENT: God, that is brilliant!
AMY: Hmmmm. I also want to show my sexuality, remind people that I’m hot. Oh, I know. I could read the book while taking a bath for some scenes.
AGENT: Inspired. I’m sure you could demand a rewrite.
AMY: It was hard for my fans to jerk off to me in ARRIVAL. I broke down language code.
AGENT: Your fans will be screaming: “Take the glasses off!”
AMY: I love it! Tell them I want the part.
AGENT: Great. Want me to send over the script?
AMY: Yes, yes! Great preparation. I can rehearse reading.
NOCTURNAL ANIMALS continues to play at some cineplexes.