Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Abe Lincoln: guest blogger

I asked Ken if I might say a few words today. I’m a big fan of his blog (except for the baseball posts). Starting to listen to his podcast but still having trouble figuring out how to subscribe.

The main reason I’m here is to say thank you to the people of Alabama. Well… the non-idiot percentage. It’s gratifying to know a pedophile still can’t win an election. Even with the backing of the president of the United States. Yeah, and John Wilkes Booth thought I was a bad president.

As you know, the south and I did not exactly exchange Christmas cards. The fact that the pedophile (who also happens to have a reprehensible agenda) was even a viable candidate made me want to apologize to America for trying to keep the south in the nation. But happy to say you good folks in Alabama rose to the occasion (the non-idiot ones).

And now Roy Moore can concentrate on all the sexual misconduct and criminal charges against him and spend more time conferring with his “Jew attorney.”

I still have a bone to pick with Dixie though. Children in your schools are being misled. I’m known for being a United States President not a Vampire Slayer.

Oh, and if I may go off on a tangent – Daniel Day Lewis sounded nothing like me. He’s considered the world’s greatest actor why? The look would be wrong but the actor who sounds most like me is Gilbert Gottfried.

This past year has been very hard on me. My wife was crazy as a friggin' loon but she was Einstein compared to the dodo bunch that’s running through the White House now. Where’s Nurse Ratchett when we need her?

There needs to be a certain dignity for the way the president of the United States conducts himself. Respect only comes when it is earned. I have said many times – and I understand this saying was supposed to go on the five-dollar bill along with my picture – “you gotta be a mensch.” The world looks to you to set an example. It breaks my heart that instead of the “Beacon of Freedom,” America is now viewed globally as “Bozo’s Big Top.”

There are those who will say I shouldn’t get political. But I am a politician. What am I gonna talk about? Should we root for the main character on GLOW? These are troubling times. The very core of democracy is being tested. The freedoms (like speech) we enjoy and our ancestors died for are in jeopardy. Letting the very rich govern you is like giving the girl you love to… well, to Roy Moore.

I suppose Ken will get a flurry of angry moronic comments and as moderator he will just delete them with one click. It takes a troll fifteen minutes to compose a mindless rant and submit it and Ken one second to delete it. And you’d think that knowing that would mean the cretins wouldn’t bother, but they’re not cretins for nothing.

That’s all I have to say for now. Here’s to a brighter future where pedophiles go to prison not Congress. And you know what happens to pedophiles in prison. Even if he had two Jew attorneys they couldn’t help him in there.

Happy holidays and if you’re shopping for Christmas, Lincoln Logs are still a big favorite among the kinder. Just sayin’.

God bless you, and God bless what’s left of America.

40 comments :

slgc said...

Amen!

Roger Owen Green said...

Thanks, Abe. I was wondering what you were thinking.

Anonymous said...

Abe:
With all due respect, the guy's name is Roy Moore, and his political career is over.
So let's hope we don't have to hear the guy's name after today.
But somehow I have a feeling that's not going to happen.
Give my regards to Gen. Grant.

Rudy Casillas said...

Amen

Don Terlinden said...

Are you comfortable on the five-dollar bill and the penny? If you ever get serious about taking it to the next level, let me know.

Peter said...

Great post, Ken! Summed up all I wanted to say. The election of Doug Jones is good news we've been sorely lacking. Hopefully this will scare the few sensible Republicans who are in Congress into doing something about Trump. Or we could just endure another year, hope he doesn't start a world war, and then enjoy seeing them wiped out in the mid-terms after which he can be impeached.

Mark said...

Honest Abe getting the guy's name wrong is my favorite thing today. May you-know-who pass from notoriety to obscurity just that easily.

Does Abe have a TV deal yet? I'm thinking "The 16th President Show".

tavm said...

Oh, thank you Ken! Between Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, "Saturday Night Live", and now you, life is getting more tolerable with you-know-who still in the White House!

Jeff Maxwell said...

Thank you, Abe. The most honest words from a President since...oh...last January.

Jenny said...


A strong instinct..... Why did Ken mention Gilbert Gottfried? Who is he? Let me see what he sounds like..... Open YT, search and ...... which is the first video I get ????? An interview with Ken's "IDOL" Sam Rubin :D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMNPbF3rzHs

RyderDA said...

Do you get a good royalty on Lincoln Logs? Or are you happy with your take on that penny image (which, for the record, doesn't make you look fat, but we should talk about that fiver image)?

Anonymous said...

Ahahaha Ken,

Brilliant- my all time favorite American. I bet he's tired from all the back flips & handstands & flipping he's been doing in his grave lately.

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves."

AND

"We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of Earth."

--LL

Tim B. said...

Mr. President,

I understand from the documentary "Stan Freberg Presents The United States of America, Volume 2" that you have an interest in entering show business, and you have a good singing voice and know your way around a joke. Perhaps now is the moment? With Will Rogers gone, you're our only hope! Perhaps it's time for your big break?

Buttermilk Sky said...

"With malice toward none, with charity for all...but maybe just a touch of snark."

Check out today's editorial in that usually bland paper USA Today. Here's the money quote: "A president who would all but call Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand a whore is not fit to clean the toilets in the Barack Obama Presidential Library or to shine the shoes of George W. Bush."

Ouch!

David said...

Thank you Abe. Now perhaps you could do a ghostly haunting thing on McCain and the other SOBs who are supporting this horrendous tax bill and get them to wise up that 2018 is just around the corner and the people (the non-idiot ones, as you distinctly and correctly point out) are realizing the horrid mistake they made last year...

Stubblejumpers Cafe said...

Hear, Hear, Ken!
-Kate

ADmin said...

Even I agree with Mr. Lincoln on this. Why, I was just saying to the honorable Mr. Buchanan, over cordials last night, that this was an issue of popular sovereignty. Like that American Idol show. What are we, a rabble of Whig Party buffoons, Free Soilers and Know Nothings?

- Stephen Arnold Douglas

blinky said...

1). Alabama grudgingly moves into the 20th Century. 21st century still a long way off.
2). Roy Moore concedes so he can spend more time with his family at the mall.
3). Steve Bannon transforms back into vampire bat to hang from the ceiling and regroup.
4). Donald Trump claims victory and bombs North Korea.
5). My internet bill is now larger than the GDP of Peru.

Anonymous said...

re: the "horrid mistake".
Yes, it was a horrid choice, but the choice we were presented with was like choosing between drinking Drano and old fashioned Prestone. You know they will both kill you, but you probably don't know which one will taste worse or be more painful. Same result pretty quickly.
At least the Dems put up a viable candidate to force a choice. I honestly don't think Hillary could have beat Moore. I'm not sure that Trump today could beat him. Two truly awful choices, and we had to pick one.

Margo Guryan said...

Brilliant! Fucking BRILLIANT!!






Barry Traylor said...

Wonderful blog post Mr. President. I have always admired you.

VincentS said...

Thanks for your input, Mr. President and, assuming you haven't been put off from the theatre, have you seen HAMILTON?

Gary said...

As horrible as this year has been, which will end with the Republicans passing their Tax Cuts for the Rich bill, next year will be even worse. That's when they'll truly go for it all, by killing Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. They're not even worrying about the 2018 elections -- their goal is to inflict as much damage as possible, while they have the chance.

Ladybug said...

Great post Ken! I for one am very happy to hear you weighing in on last night's historic victory in AL. Our democracy and institutions are being tested every day. Decency won last night, and for a moment, we can all breath a sigh of relief. As USA Today's incisive and much-needed editorial said: "Donald Trump, the man...is uniquely awful. His sickening behavior is corrosive to the enterprise of a shared governance based on common values and the consent of the governed."

Anonymous said...

John Oliver previously revealed that that Kushner crook has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried.

Greg Ehrbar said...

Mr. Dead President,
When Mary Tyler Moore portrayed your zany wife in that Sam Waterston TV movie, I spent the whole time waiting for her to do that shaky, lovable cry of, "Ohhhhhhh, Aaaaaayyyyybe!"

VP81955 said...

Ken, I'm surprised Abe doesn't like your baseball posts; legend has it he played a bit of baseball in his pre-presidential days, not long after Alexander Cartwright -- the real father of baseball -- devised rules that popularized the game. Or perhaps Abe's ticked the Washington Nationals (a renowned amateur ball team, comprised of federal workers, went by that name in the 1850s) haven't been able to get past the first round of the NL playoffs.

Cowboy Surfer said...

don't get any ideas...

- McConaughey

B Smith said...

Never mind Mrs Lincoln's opinion, Abe, how did *you* like the play?

Anonymous said...

Now if we can just get you know who to take in a little theatre down there in DC...lol

Pseudonym said...

Mr President, a couple of questions if I may.

First, is that guy still allowed to use the title "judge" in his campaign materials, when he's been thrown off the bench twice?

Second, and most importantly, is "Luther Strange" the best name for a comic book supervillan or what?

My condolences on what has happened to your Republican Party since... well, Eisenhower, I guess.

Mike Bloodworth said...

Seems to be a problem with my comment. I know it went through, but it didn't show up. Not even a "removed by moderator." It wasn't controversial. Maybe it was just too stupid.

Angela Niles said...

I have been grinning over the Alabama election results all day. And I don't even live there! Thank god they made the right choice in the end.

Respect only comes when it is earned.

So true. People really need to remember this fact.

I like the use of Lincoln for this post. Seriously, if Republicans of the past could see what's become of their party, they would be utterly appalled and confused. I'd like to hope this is a wake up call for the GOP to continue to clear all the rot from their party, but who even knows with them anymore. I'm more than willing to be pleasantly surprised, though.

sanford said...

This is why Ken is such a great writer

Anonymous said...

I read your blog for your good sense, candor, and interesting life. That's because I tend to rush to judgement, guard my privacy fanatically, and my interesting days are no all in the past, I'm afraid. (Oh, I had 'em!) So I'm living vicariously through my reading, including your blog. Thanks. And I agree with your politics.

Mike said...

@Mike Bloodworth. That may be my fault, in sharing your name. Lately, I've been struggling to get my comments through Ken's moderation, to the point where I don't bother anymore.

iain said...

Mr. Lincoln, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fine post & say you were great in the "Police Squad" opening credits.

McAlvie said...


Good to hear from you, Mr. President. You never took the easy route and you shouldered some of the toughest burdens in the history of the office. Thanks much for sticking it out.

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves."

And my thanks to anonymous for that one. So true, and quite frankly I think it's what a few of our elected representatives are trying for. The must be trying, because nobody puts that much effort into something without an intent.

Ken, can you drum up an interview subject to discuss how someone could claim to be an evangelistic Christian, let alone a decent human being, while being a lying mouth piece who has clearly sold her soul to keep that job? I mean, I did think evangelism had some standards.

VP81955 said...

Change the guy's name to "Luthor Strange" and you have an all-purpose, DC/Marvel supervillain.

Chip Keyes said...

Thanks for the great liberating, Abe.