Tuesday, January 08, 2019

What I learned NOT watching the Golden Globes

I didn’t watch a minute of it. Didn’t watch a minute of highlights from it. To me the Golden Globes are a waste of time. The Foreign Press is a tiny number of people, some actual waiters, who can be bought. And their awards are essentially hosting a big party with lots of alcohol, fine wine, and when has Hollywood ever passed up a free meal where they can be on television and go home with prizes? It’s a night out on the town at someone else’s expense. Women get to dress up. It’s nothing more than the industry’s Senior Prom.

The categories are idiotic. A few years ago THE MARTIAN won Best Comedy. MOZART IN THE JUNGLE won Best TV Comedy. More often than not movies that win Golden Globes do not win Oscars. In fact, many consider them Oscar & Emmy’s consolation prizes.

So by not watching them, here is what I gleaned based on Social Media and friends who did suffer through them. Those of you who saw the ceremony, tell me how accurate I am.

They didn’t announce the name of the writer nominees in the Best Screenplay category; just the name of the movies. For that alone, FUCK YOU Foreign Press.

The opening with Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg was awful.

Patricia Arquette and Regina King gave endless speeches. (Who is surprised?)

The Jeff Bridges award went on forever. And he was doing “the Dude” from BIG LEBOWSKI.

Chuck Lorre finally won something.

Michael Douglas used Yiddesh expressions.

Glenn Close was a big upset winner as Best Actress (even though she’s a great actress).

THE AMERICANS won. Of course Russia could have rigged that election too. Hell, all they had to do was send Academy members a free tin of caviar.

Diversity ruled. This year Hollywood is all about diversity. Last year it was #MeToo. Next year it will be the election. Their nod to #MeToo was not mentioning Bryan Singer who directed some of BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, the big winner.

Christian Bale, who played Dick Cheney, thanked Satan and that caused an uproar. Yawn.

Foreign Press darling Alfonso Cuaron won for ROMA won although everybody I know who has seen it said it’s painfully slow and confusing. (I haven’t seen it so I don’t know… but I am sufficiently scared to skip it.)

It was cool to see Carol Burnett and she said something like no network would put on her show today.

I really didn't miss a thing.  

Okay, so how’d I do?

49 comments :

Dylan Eales said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pat Reeder said...

Also didn't watch the Golden Globes, but we did go to the theater to see "Roma" (more my wife's idea than mine.) It was very long and took a goo hour to establish its world before anything much happened. And aside from the family's driver, every man in it was a complete SOB. But there were parts that were astounding. I have no idea how they managed to shoot the scene (all in one long shot) of the housekeeper going out into the dangerous ocean riptide to rescue the two children who were being pulled under the waves and out to sea without actually putting the child actors at serious risk of drowning. Maybe they were at risk (as Jackie Chan said about his dangerous stunts in Hong Kong movies, "Life is cheap" there.)

I'd call it an amazing film-making accomplishment, but not something that many people these days would have the patience to sit through. I've got a pretty long attention span, and even I checked the time on my phone at least twice.

Honest Ed said...

Yes, Roma isn't the fastest movie ever. But confusing?

While not blown away, I liked it and got sucked in.

slgc said...

It was nice seeing Dick Van Dyke looking so spry and happy at age 93.

Otherwise, you pretty much summed up the show.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bob said...

So if you are nominated next year, are you going?

therealshell said...

ROMA is a magnificent film, and a true work of art. It's "slow" in the same sense that daily life is "slow," because the film is about, ultimately, life. I was not confused by ROMA, but I was enriched.

Peter said...

"Okay, so how’d I do?"

Best Screenplay category: Yep, they didn't read out the nominees' names.

The opening with Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg was indeed pretty unfunny except for the bit where they ridiculed Lady Gaga over her "100 people in a room" line that she repeated every single time she was promoting A Star Is Born.

I posted about how Patricia Arquette and Regina King spoke for about an hour each, so yes this is definitely correct.

Jeff Bridges started off well and then tried to play up to his Dude image by going on about the geodesic dome and trim tabs and no one had a clue what he was talking about.

Chuck Lorre won for The Kominsky Method.

I don't remember Michael Douglas using Yiddish. He gave one of the best acceptance speeches of the night. Brief, concise and classy. And it was nice to see him congratulate his old Fatal Attraction co-star Glenn Close when she won.

The only reason Close winning was seen as a big upset is that people thought Gaga was going to win. I'm glad she didn't. Her ego is already the size of Jupiter. Here's hoping she doesn't get an Oscar nomination.

THE AMERICANS won and deservedly so.

Diversity did rule but the BlackkKlansman table looked awfully upset when Mexican Alfonso Cuaron won best director.

Bryan Singer was the elephant in the room when Bohemian Rhapsody won. Esquire was supposed to publish a feature back in November exposing his misdeeds but it hasn't materialized. In the meantime, Singer has been hired to direct a Red Sonja reboot. Does this guy have some mafia grade connections or something? He's managed to evade arrest, lawsuits and magazine exposes, and still gets work. Either he has powerful friends or he has dirt on others.

Christian Bale overdid the cockney geezer accent but his line thanking satan was hilarious. Predictably, Christian fundamentalists online have totally misunderstood his comment and think he was literally thanking satan in the way some award winners thank god. They didn't get that he was mocking the morally bankrupt Dick Cheney.

Not seen Roma yet either so can't comment on whether it's slow and confusing.

Carol Burnett was a class act as always and she got a warm reception from the audience.

Joseph Scarbrough Puppet Productions said...

Once again, I ask, seriously, what's even the point of the Golden Globes? Oscars are for movies, Emmys are for TV, Grammys are for music, and then Golden Globes are for . . . all of the above? What's the point? Why don't we either just have Golden Globes and none of the others, or just do away with Golden Globes altogether? Coordinating and putting those shows together are a nightmare anyway - give the poor stage and technical crews a break.

Rich said...

The opening with Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg was horrible. Overall, it was barely watchable. They ma

Dhruv said...

I used to watch the show, when I had taken the 'English Movie package' on my dish TV. But later I discontinued that after reading your reviews and learning that less than 100 people vote for it.

To me, it seemed like a big dinner with some interruptions for awards. I used to watch SAG and BAFTA awards too. But then one year completely stopped everything. Only watching Oscars now, don't know when I will stop that too.

I do check wiki entries for all nominations/wins to get an idea who will win Oscars.

Good that Glenn Close won. I am rooting for her to win the Oscars.

Theo said...

I hate these scum celebrities and their chameleon behavior.

Mark Rylance an anti Semite apologized just before Oscars voting and they gave him an Oscar.

Another petition signing anti Semite Greta Gerwig apologized just before Oscar nominations and got a nomination.

Now Alfonso Cuaron a man who signed a Harvey Weinstein sponsored petition supporting Roman Polanski is getting awards.

Just boycott these asshole scums Hollywood.

Phil said...

Agree with you about Roma. Overrated crap.

Does anyone here agree with me that Alfonso Cuarón's Gravity was over rated too. It's just like 'Forrest Gump', the more it ages the more hatred it gets for the awards it won.

The scientific accuracy was denounced by all. The movie sucked and died once it aired on TV. All the over hype about the visuals just went up in air.

Graham F said...

How bad was Samberg and Oh's opening? Here was his Marvelous Mrs. Maisel joke: "It's the show that makes audiences sit up and say, "Wait, is this anti-Semitic?" He also wondered aloud to Ryan Coogler if the real Black Panthers had auditioned for "Black Panther." See what you missed?

Eric J said...

No other industry that I can think of spends so much time, money and effort congratulating themselves for doing their job. Not even professional sports, though I wouldn't want to give them any ideas.

PolyWogg said...

Does anyone else see "comments removed by author" or "by blog administrator" and think, "Whoa, what did I miss?".

P.

Mike said...

PolyWogg,

Yes, I saw too and was wondering if Ken deleted them by mistake. He has done a few times by mistake. Since this isn't a political post, I wonder what those two said.....

Anonymous said...

"...everybody I know who has seen it said it’s painfully slow and confusing."

Ken, you need better friends.

-Peter

DwWashburn said...

My Golden Globes review --

What? There's an award show called the Golden Globes?

Fin

YEKIMI said...

I watched on and off. Only thing I took away from it was that when Sandra Oh & Andy Samberg was introducing whomever/whatever was that the room sound was so loud that it probably would have rivaled an elementary school playground at recess. It was obvious no one there were paying attention to them. Don't know who was doing audio for the show but they must have been imbibing in some of the alcohol they give the stars to sit through this shitfest.

slgc said...

"Does anyone here agree with me that Alfonso Cuarón's Gravity was over rated too. It's just like 'Forrest Gump', the more it ages the more hatred it gets for the awards it won."


Yes, yes - a thousand times yes!!!!!

Peter said...

PolyWogg, you didn't miss anything. The post at the top that was removed by Ken was a spam message promoting an assignment writing service!

I don't remember what the comment removed by its author was, so it obviously wasn't controversial.

Peter said...

The real highlight of the show was Halle Berry's cleavage. Now that's what I call golden globes.

suesea7 said...

Andy Samberg did make an interesting comment about Black Panther, in that it started in Oakland but didn't have anything to do with the govt murdering activists - “the world always has been and will be a nightmare it just seems worse now because of our phones."

Usually I watch with friends and we're eating and drinking too - but last night I was at home by myself, haven't seen most of the TV shows or any of the movies. So less than intriguing.

Sue in Seattle

VP81955 said...

For its "breaking news" emails, the Los Angeles Times covered only the TV and movie drama winners. Typical anti-comedy bias. (But isn't "Green Book" more of a drama, and "Bohemian Rhapsody" more of a musical?)

Janet Ybarra said...

I like getting dressed up and free food, too. How come no one invited me? Maybe next year. I have just the right dress, too. :)

Seriously, didn't even know that it was on.

Glad Chuck Lorre won something. I'm sure it will turn up in a vanity card.

Gary Springer said...

Jeepers. Some of the comments from the peanut gallery really make me want to throw my hands in the air and scream. I mean, talk about dim.

Joseph Scarbrough Puppet Productions said...

@Eric J What about country music? I swear, country music alone has like half a dozen different award shows for itself every year.

Jen from Jersey said...

You hit my hot button. Hollywood is becoming increasingly anti Israel and anti Semitic. I have no place for people blaming a group that is less than 1% of the world’s population for all the problems.

DARON72 said...

Andy Samberg has never been funny. What Lorne saw in this fellow is way beyond any comprehension. His funniest skit on SNL supposedly was the rap-parody (and, hey, isn't all rap just parody on some philosophical level?) "Dick In A Box." I rest my case.

Franko said...

Do not miss Roma. It's fantastic.

Tony.T said...

Much like the quote "every nation gets the government it deserves", every awards night viewership gets the awards night it deserves.

Norm said...

I tuned in and out two or three times and couldn't take it anymore so I turned it off again. At the end of his speech, Michael Douglas did thank his quote altacocker unquote father. Altacocker is Jewish for old fart.

mdv59 said...

In Gravity's defense... sure the plot is absurd, but for technical achievement it's an amazing movie. Watching the "making of" shorts are actually better than the movie.

Having seen it both ways, this is one movie that really had to be seen in 3D to appreciate. In 2D it's just okay.

IMHO 'The Martian' was a much better film and might have been in the running for Best Picture if Gravity hadn't won the year before.

Barry Traylor said...

Actually I find most (or all) awards show boring.

Phil said...

slgc,

Thanks. Glad that you agree.

Coram_Loci said...

When do we get an Awards Show celebrating the year's award show?

Joseph Scarbrough Puppet Productions said...

@Peter Truer words were never spoken.

D McEwan said...

I'm sorry, but the Golden Globs were more fun when they had Lucille Ball getting roaring drunk and heckling the presenters and winners.

D McEwan said...

"Coram_Loci said...
When do we get an Awards Show celebrating the year's award show?"


You've never seen the Oscarcast winning Emmies, usually for writing or directing of a live variety show?

SNL did an Awards Show for Awards Shows sketch about twenty years ago.

slgc said...

"In Gravity's defense... sure the plot is absurd, but for technical achievement it's an amazing movie. Watching the "making of" shorts are actually better than the movie. "

mdv59 - I have no problem with Gravity being recognized for its technical achievement or Roma being recognized for its cinematography. But great movies need to have solid storytelling. Pretty isn't sufficient, IMO.

=========

Phil - :)

Unknown said...

As I've always said, we need MORE award shows.

Kch27 said...

To clarify one point, Gravity didn't win the Best Picture Oscar, though it won seven, including Best Director.

Jim, Cheers Fan said...

D McEwan said...
I'm sorry, but the Golden Globs were more fun when they had Lucille Ball getting roaring drunk and heckling the presenters and winners.


I would pay buckets of money to see video of that if it exists. Well, not really, but I'd click on the youtube

Mike Barer said...

Hard sometimes to tell the skits from reality. Maybe there were no skits.

Dave H said...

I remember when Jeff Bridges just gave normal interviews but ever since he developed the cult following for Lebowski he does the old hippie routine all the time. I am a fan of his past work but this has become annoying.lol

Terrence Moss said...

Regina King has something to say. That's why she went long.

Terrence Moss said...

Regina King had something to say. That's why she went long.

Terrence Moss said...

The Oscars are similarly becoming a waste of time.