Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum

Voting ends at midnight tonight, West Coast time. Go here to cast your ballot. Thanks to everyone who participated.

I bet some of your favorite episodes of MASH and the ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW were written by writers you don’t know. Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum. You’ve seen the names I’m sure. But just who were these guys?? From time to time I like to introduce you guys to writers who should never be forgotten.

First off, Jim & Ev were two of the funniest comedy writers in television. And expert craftsmen. Their scripts always had a flow, the sentences were short, sharp, with never a wasted word. The jokes were on target, fresh, and at least five were from the “where the hell did they come up with that?” category. They had a great ear for dialogue, a love of Americana, and there was always the signature Jim & Ev scatological joke in every script. Klinger would pull out a rectal thermometer and say “It’s 103 in Pittsburgh.” A visiting general would be delighted the latrines were in pairs – “Good. The men can encourage each other.” That same general made the pronouncement: “Prunes – greatest invention since the gatling gun.” Hawkeye once observed that the medical profession has come a long way. "It used to be that proctologists used candles."

They started way back in live television. For two years they produced and wrote every MR. PEEPERS episode. 39 a year, aired LIVE. That fried them and they fled to California.

Over the next thirty years they wrote for THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, GOMER PYLE, REAL MCCOYS, THE ODD COUPLE, and 24 episodes of MASH. They also penned the Jack Lemmon movie, GOOD NEIGHBOR SAM and many of the Don Knotts flicks.

Everett flew planes, wrote jazz, built bizarre sculptures out of pipes and everyday items. (they’re featured in GOOD NEIGHBOR SAM and also an episode of MASH), and after Jim passed away Everett launched a very successful second career as an actor and voice over talent. He appeared on SEINFELD, THIRD ROCK, MATLOCK and numerous other shows and commercials. One of his best friends was Marlon Brando, who he roomed with briefly in New York.

Jim preferred to spend his time at the Tail O’ the Cock restaurant in the Valley.

Ev also went to MIT, and was a Navy fighter pilot. You know – just your typical comedy writer resume. He wrote an autobiography called “The Goldenberg Who Couldn’t Dance”.

Of their many MASH episodes the one that’s best remembered is “Abyssinia Henry”, the one where Henry Blake gets killed.

I’ll leave you with a typical Jim & Ev line. From Klinger in the episode “Bug Out”: “A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores. “

They don’t write ‘em like that anymore. I sure wish they did.

The funniest AMERICAN IDOL moment EVER

Still time to vote in the Daffy Definition Kontest. Just go here.

AMERICAN IDOL begins next month. Yes, I will be donning my snarkskin coat again and offering my always-impartial observations. But to get you in the mood, I found this video. It's the funniest thing I've seen in awhile. I bet Sarah Palin acted like this too.

Can PUBLIC MORALS kill your career?

While you continue to vote here, it’s time for some of your Friday questions.
Longtime Reader, First Time Poster wants to know:

What were the main differences between writing comedy for live action vs cartoons? Did you prefer one to the other?

You certainly have more freedom in animation. You can let your imagination run wild. And you don’t have to worry about budgets. It’s just as easy to have Homer at the Million Man March as it is his kitchen. But there’s nothing like watching great actors bringing your words to life. And hearing the laughter. For a comedy writer that’s the crack of choice. So I’d have to say live action for me. Ask Seth MacFarlane. I bet you get a different answer.

From Eric Curtis:

How forgiving is Hollywood toward second chances? Say your first big break was on a show that absolutely tanked, would that be held against a writer even if they wrote a great spec for another show looking for a job?

Especially if you were just on staff of a stiff it won’t be held against you. Matt Tarses (currently the creator of the US version of THE WORST WEEK and longtime contributor to SCRUBS) started out on a show so bad it was canceled after one airing – PUBLIC MORALS (the above photo is maybe the only record of that show even existing) .

If the first show you create turns into a turd you probably will be able to walk away from the wreckage. You had to have a good track record to get the chance in the first place. But if, during production of that show, you managed to piss off everyone within a five mile radius that could hurt you.

Follow up question from Eric:

Is it worth taking a first time job as a writer if you know the show won't get picked up the next season?

Absolutely. Work is work. You could establish relationships with people who will ultimately hire you in the future. Plus, there’s the “you never know” factor. How many years did YES, DEAR run?

And finally, Andy Ihnatko asks:

Everybody leaves the house in the morning thinking they look pretty good. Even the 70 year old actor who has worn the same deep brown rayon wig since 1981, or the actress who's always seen in heavy, cakey makeup.

Does this affect those actors' ability to get work? You can always take off the toupee or wash off the makeup, but even if he doesn't angrily reply "WHAT wig?" the actor is still associated with that look.

I've wondered the same thing about actors with tattoos. You can cover them up, but would a producer think "If I cast this other person, we'll have one fewer makeup hassle per episode"?

If an individual has such a distinctive look it would take the audience out of the show, then yes, it would probably cost him jobs. I wouldn’t have the loan officer at a bank be played by Don King.

As for tattoos, that’s certainly not a problem if I’m casting Popeye. But seriously, if you don’t hire people with tattoos today you eliminate half the applicants. I always hire the best actor. If they require more make-up so be it. Unless of course the tattoo is a swastika or “Bush/Cheney in 2004”.

The next time someone says "It'll be a cold day in hell..."

Netflix pick of the month: My favorite Xmas movie

DIE HARD. A 1988 holiday classic.

Bruce Willis arrives at his estranged wife’s company Christmas party in a high rise to find that a group of terrorists are holding everyone hostage. Yes, it’s a familiar holiday theme but handled in a fresh fun way.

Who needs chestnuts roasting when you have C4 explosives? Why bother with carolers when you can have a SWAT team? And Santa and his reindeer give way to the more preferable snipers in a helicopter.

No need for old St. Nick to come down the chimney. Bruce Willis comes down the elevator shaft.

It’s a story filled with dreams, detonators, family reconciliations, Germans, a character named Holly, hostages, armored vehicles, and stunts that can only be justified as magic.

Bruce Willis proves to be a breakout action star and newcomer Alan Rickman is such a delicious diabolical villain you’d vote for him today if he were running for president against Bush.

You’ve probably seen DIE HARD. Or the 42 knockoffs that the film inspired (true story: some years later a writer pitched a studio “DIE HARD in an office building”). But you saw it as a summer action blockbuster. See it again as a holiday family drama with people gunned down by machine guns.

Every time a siren blares an angel gets his wings.

You can still vote for your favorite Daffy Definition. Exercise your civic duty and go here to have your voice heard.

The Daffy Definition finalists. VOTE NOW!!!

Here’s what I did. I enlisted five judges. They each selected their top ten. Based on entries that got multiple votes I tried to put together the top five. But there were just too many. So here’s the good news. I will have two winners – each receives the same stupendous prize (a signed copy of MIDNIGHT, one of my better failed pilot scripts!!). But that means more work for you guys. You’ll have to vote twice. The first five compete for a grand prize today. The next five next week.

Good luck and out of 800+ entries, here is today’s heat.

1. Veyhoo -- A Yiddish web search site.

2. Meway -- Popeye’s closing number in his Vegas show.

3. Prock – totally useless hybrid of two words that already mean the same thing.

4. Bimeca – The border area between California and Mexico. Noted for its loft apartments, trendy eateries, film festival and raging drug war.

5. Hutdo – What Jabba got at the barbershop.

The poll is open. And closes midnight Sunday PST. In case of a tie Al Franken will determine the winner. Just click on your choice below. One vote per person. But you're welcome to keep checking the results. I must admit, I do every five minutes.

Thanks again to everyone who did and/or will now participate. I love you people.

Why Jennifer Aniston is a real MOVIE STAR

Boy, can Jennifer Aniston promote a film!
Have you opened a paper or magazine in the last two weeks and not seen Jennifer Aniston? Did she finance MARLEY & ME herself? Granted, when your comedy co-stars are a guy who once tried to kill himself and a dog it’s understandable that you’ll be doing most of the interviews but still. Does anyone have her publicist’s number? I bet I can get her to come on Dodger Talk with me on KABC. If you have an internet podcast give her a call.

Recently she posed nude for GQ magazine. Makes sense. That’s how I would promote a family dog movie opening Christmas day.

I can’t think of a single box office smash she has starred in. And yet, she receives this much attention. What it says to me is this : Jennifer Aniston is an official MOVIE STAR.

She’s got everything it takes. She’s beautiful. She shows her tits. She’s been dumped by a movie star for another movie star (that’s worth almost as much Hollywood heat as an Oscar), she dates other movie stars or rock stars, she’s not a Scientologist, and she gives really pithy quotes like, “What Angelina did was very uncool.”

So what if her filmography contains BRUCE ALMIGHTY, ALONG CAME POLLY, DERAILED, RUMOR HAS IT, and LEPRECHAUN? She gets on the cover of GQ. She shows up at premiers with John Mayer. The paparazzi count the number of times they hear her toilet flush.

About ten years ago I was in a movie theater on a Sunday night. Half empty house. Jennifer and Brad came in and sat down right in front of me. He looked scruffy, she needed a shampoo and was wearing glasses. No one bothered them. No one really gave a shit actually.

Here’s why at the end of the day I like Jennifer Aniston:

There’s no way she could do that today. There’d be photographers on my lap shooting the back of her head. There’d be guys on their hands and knees picking up her discarded popcorn kernels after she had left. And for all the attention and hype and fans who wear “Team Aniston” T-shirts, I bet she misses those days when she could just sit in the dark and be a schlump. That’s what I think the public senses too. She's a glamorous movie star but she's still one of us... occasionally... sometimes... on that odd Sunday. But that's enough. And that’s why ultimately her fans love her. And I do too – just not enough to spend eleven bucks to see her in a movie about a dog though.

Stay tuned for the finals of the Daffy Definition Kontest. They're almost here. Three judges have been hospitalized but the ones who are left have almost narrowed the 800 entries down to five.

The real story behind Jay Leno moving to primetime

INT. BURNS OFFICE -- DAY

BURNS: Smithers, get in here!

SMITHERS (entering): Yes sir, Mr. Burns.

BURNS: Which network do I own again?

SMITHERS: That would be NBC, sir.

BURNS: Damn it! That’s what I was afraid of. Have you seen our 4th quarter earnings?

SMITHERS: Shocklingly low profit margin, yes.

BURNS: I won’t have it! What’s the point of being in business if you can’t gouge the public?

SMITHERS: Well, the entire nation is in a depression.

BURNS: And whose fault is that?

SMITHERS: Nor yours, sir. The New York Yankees.

BURNS: That’s right. It’s always someone else's fault. The New York Yankees! Good thinking, Smithers. $161 million for that C.C. Sabathia and he’s built like Homer Simpson.

SMITHERS: But on the bright side for us, the National Dog Show got big numbers. Of course that’s only once a year and during the afternoon…

BURNS: Smithers, we’re making big changes at NBC!

SMITHERS: Sir?

BURNS: I’ve decided to put Jay Leno on every night at 10.

SMITHERS: Monday through Friday?

BURNS: For now. Seven nights if they keep showing Baltimore Ravens games on Sunday Night Football. And do we really need seventeen people on the halftime show? Fire Keith Olbermann and any twelve.

SMITHERS: But sir, putting Leno on five nights a week. That’s like cutting our primetime by a third.

BURNS: I’ll save millions!!!

SMITHERS: Yes, but isn’t that like saying NBC is giving up?

BURNS: We already gave up! Don’t you remember FEAR FACTOR?

SMITHERS: But still. Why would people watch Jay Leno in primetime?

BURNS: I don’t know why they watch him now.

SMITHERS: Have you seen his demographics? In the coveted 18-34 category – which is all any of us give a shit about anymore -- twelve Amish kids in Pennsylvania.

BURNS: Have him bring Frank Sinatra on. That’ll get the kids. Those little bobbysoxers go crazy for that crooner.

SMITHERS: What if we just aired another LAW & ORDER? The whole parade-crowd-control side of police work has been virtually untouched.

BURNS: LAW & ORDER is expensive! All dramas are expensive. All of television is expensive. If Dr. Gene Scott weren't dead I’d put him and his big chair on 19 hours a day and just forget about it.

SMITHERS: You’d go to Christian programming?

BURNS: Better 19 hours of Christian programming than one hour of Christian Slater. Whose bright idea was that?

SMITHERS: Don’t worry, sir. The person responsible for that debacle fired three of his underlings and blamed them so it’s been taken care of.

BURNS: Good! Good! I love decisive action!

SMITHERS: So your decision is final?

BURNS: Yes it is. We save money, we cost actors and writers and directors jobs – that’ll teach those so-called “creative types” for wanting fair wages – and we stay in business just long enough to carry the Golden Globes.

SMITHERS: Your table is already reserved.

BURNS: Frances McDormand is nominated this year! She wants me, Smithers. I can tell.

SMITHERS: You do ooze charisma, sir. From every leaky pore.

BURNS: Maybe we could give her a show every night at 9. Yes! Yes! Who cares if I’m destroying broadcast television as we know it? I might get a little action!

MUSIC UP: NBC chimes.

FADE OUT.

Jay Leno

Numerous readers have asked what my take is on NBC's announcement that Jay Leno would be moving into primetime five nights a week at 10 pm next year. Will it work? What does it mean to the industry?

My answer, in the form of a skit, gets posted later tonight.

Humahumanukunukuappua everybody

Several readers have wondered why I haven't posted one of my travelogues in a while. Uh, it's cause I haven't gone anywhere. But as the holiday season approaches I thought I'd dust off one of our family Christmas in Hawaii essays from non-recession years gone by. Meanwhile, judges continue to pour through your Daffy Definition Kontest entries. So far they've narrowed them down to under 500. Those sorry bastards. The finals are coming soon... hopefully.
Aloha and howzit?

After a year's interruption (to rid ourselves of mold and my life savings) the Levines returned again to Hawaii. This year to the Grand Wailea on Maui. Picture Heart's Castle with water slides and a grotto bar. As usual it was glorious. NFL games start at 8 in the morning over there!!!

Paris and Nicky Hilton were staying at our hotel. I guess among the many amenities the Grand Wailea offers is a meth lab. (Sure an improvement over Fiona Apple at the Kahala. We got the better anoerexics.) The Four Seasons next door usually has the big Hollywood crowd. Maybe they didn't want Paris. After all, she did make that infamous sex tape...and worse, she has a show on Fox.

Their signature restaurant is Humahumanukunukuapua's (actual name). But people call is Humahumanhukunu's for short. Lobster was $59 a pound (again, this is true). They should change the name to Hubrishubrishubrishubrischutzpah.

I forgot to ask Paris how much Maui Wowie was these days.

Cabanas were $125 a day and there was a waiting list. But for that money they brought around free fruit and water so it was a bargain. We opted for cosabellas which are lounge chairs with a hood. $40 and a half hour wait in line to sign up. There's a rumor that at the Four Seasons the lines start forming at 4:30 a.m. All the nannies and assistants have to really get up early over there.

Nothing more relaxing than turning on the TV and seeing there's a heightened Terror Alert. Yeah, like who would ever want to attack Hawaii?

Monday morning Santa Claus arrived on a long canoe bearing candy canes for the kids. He was clad only in a traditional cap and red skirt. The children were confused. Not like any Santa they had ever seen. What I didn't realize until that day was how many tattoos Santa had. Or how scary his heavily-tattooed Samoan elf was. You shouldn't be thinking about the Terror Alert when Santa arrives on shore.

One of the many great things about this paradise -- you never hear Paul McCartney's inane "Having a Wonderful Christmas" on the radio. Instead they play Paul Anka's "Christmas in Japan".

Although McCartney was represented. At the art gallery in the next door high end fashion mall a big sign boasts an exhibition of paintings from Paul McCartney, Tony Bennett...and then in much smaller letters, Picasso.

Paris Hilton's bodyguard was spotted at the pool Wednesday getting a pedicure. Even during this high Terror Alert.

It amazes me how many women put on make up to go to the beach. And Botox is very "in" this year. But it is keeping with the Hawaiian spirit since they all look like Jack Lord.

The pace on the islands remains blissfully slow. There's a little church on the grounds of the hotel and every morning its chapel bells would ring promptly at 8:10ish.

Yes, I went down a water slide. Matt took a picture. You will never see it.

This being the busiest season of the year there were lines everywhere...except at the health club. Had no problem getting a treadmaster, no problem finding empty weight machines. The guy selling ice cream dots was mobbed.

Why is it the fatter the person the louder the Hawaiian shirt? Or the bigger the implants the louder the hair dye?

Book of choice at the Grand Wailea was "the Da Vinci Code". At the Four Seasons it was the biography of Lew Wasserman.

They sell jewelry down at the pool. Women with their guts hanging over their bikini bottoms trying on pearls. I have no idea whether they like the stuff or not. Because of the Botox they can't make an expression.

Went twice to Roy's restaurant. Best food on the island and never disappoints. And the view? Spectacular. Roy's is in the parking lot of a shopping center. You know you're in Hawaii when you see the crimson sun set behind the Safeway and the Crazy Shirt Emporium.

Commercial seen during Hawaiian newscast: a new retirement village featuring golf, recreation, pools, and year round sunshine...in Florida.

A Levine Christmas day tradition is to go to a movie. So we ventured into Kihae. First was dinner at Tony Romas where we were the only table to not order a five-pound onion loaf. Then to the cineplex to see "Paycheck". It's McGyver meets Memento. The Hawaiians who sat behind Annie and Matt were completely baffled. Bad enough there was the concept of time travel, they were just thrown because everyone in the movie was wearing long pants.

How Hollywood is Maui these days? There are academy screenings at the Castle Theatre. (No joke) Just show your DGA, WGA, or academy cards at the door.

Matt just turned 21 and loves being carded since he's now legal. There's a swim-up Grotto Bar and he wondered if he'd be carded there (and if so just where do they think he'd keep ID). So as an experiment he and Annie swam up to it, he ordered a White Russian and was served no problem. Annie ordered an Oreo smoothie and the bartender asked "You want any booze in that?" Annie is 17.

Debby had a hot rock massage. That's where the masseuse puts hot relaxing rocks on your back then sits off to the side silently chuckling and reading magazines.

Happy holidays and I leave you with this:

A' ohe 'ai pani 'ia o ka 'amo.
(no particular food blocks the anus).

What to get a writer this Christmas??

Here’s a holdover question that is apropos for the holiday season. From Susan:

I have a good friend who writes for a tv show. What's a good gift to get for a tv writer, especially one who's out of work right now (between seasons, hoping to get picked up for next season) and is working on her own projects for a while? I got her a book on writing once that I love ("Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott) but it didn't go over well - she said she doesn't really like to read writing books, since she already has her own process that works well for her. Any hints or help?

Yeah, writers generally don’t take well to writing/motivation books. PAY THEM! That’s all the damn motivation they need.

You can’t get them clothes because most of their wardrobe comes from show jackets and shirts. I still get compliments on my IT’S ALL RELATIVE fleece.

I polled a number of writers and this seemed to be the general consensus.

Pappy Van Winkle's Family Reserve, 20 years old bourbon.

The WIRE & HANNAH MONTANA

Here are some Friday questions.

Ed wants to know:

If a TV show is written in a writer's room, why not simply credit all the writers who worked on that episode? For example, I think Tina Fey is as brilliant as everyone says she is, but I wouldn't mind a complete list of the writers who work on my favorite sitcom.

You've told us before that everyone else is credited with being a "producer." Why can't those who worked on the script be credited as writers?

The WGA has guidelines. Only two writers can share credit on one half hour episode. A team can count as one “writer” but let’s say a script was written by Writer A and Writer B (a team). Then payment would be 50% to Writer A and the team would split the other 50%.

When I was writing on ALMOST PERFECT there were three showrunners. When David Isaacs, Robin Schiff, and I wrote a script we had to petition the guild for permission and be paid 150% of guild minimum. So if the studio agrees to give all three writers 50% then it’s alright.

If you gave ten writers all 50% you’re paying five times the going rate for one script. That ain’t gonna happen here on planet Earth.

So to get around this staffs that room-write scripts just rotate credit. It is bullshit and makes the writing credit a joke.

All those producer credits you see – those are the writers. So they do all get credits on the show, just not for the actual work they do.

From rob!:

When working on a show like Cheers or MASH, when the show is a monstrous, rolling success, critically and financially, how much network interference was there?

did NBC and CBS think they still could give copious "notes" on each episode, or did they leave the shows alone?

Once a show becomes a huge hit the notes generally cease (although I hear AMC still managed to offer “suggestions” to Matt Weiner on MAD MEN). Showrunners will often have to meet with the network before each season to lay out their game plan for that year but after that the net tends to back off.

And it’s amazing, when a comedy is doing well in the ratings, the network suddenly LOVES everything they do. Runthroughs are laugh fests. Would the same jokes be as screamingly funny if they were losing their time slot to Telemundo shows?

The truth is once networks trust you they’re happy to leave you alone because they’ve got way too many other fires to put out.

On MASH we received zero interference from anybody. All CBS asked for was log lines for the episodes. NBC had notes the first year of CHEERS but those too disappeared as the numbers rose.

Of course network standards & practices were always ever present but that’s true with any show on any network. God knows how many “fucks” would slip into GHOST WHISPERER if S&P wasn’t around and vigilant?

Anonymous (please leave your name, guys) has a…

Follow up to the "Suite Life..." reputation question:

What if the opposite happens? Say you've already written for a network sitcom, and then Nick or Disney Channel offers you a chance to write the next "Cory In The House," is it seen as a step backward that will hurt your reputation or prospects of continuing to work in the network/cable sitcom worlds?

In this economy and marketplace? Work is work. You can class yourself right out of the business. And guess what, depending on the staff and situation, you might have ten times more fun working on a Disney show than a prestigious network vehicle. And if you have kids who watch those shows you’re a bigger hero than if you wrote THE WIRE.

Thanks for the questions. Keep ‘em coming.

The Kontest is Klosed

No more entries for the Daffy Defition Konest. I'm actually recruiting a couple of judges because narrowing down this field will be a bitch. Thanks for so many hilarious entries. Watch this space for the final five coming soon. And then you'll have the final vote.

Thanks again. You guys are great... and frankly, a little disturbing.

A new post follows in minutes.

He's bleeding. Nurse, quick! Get me the Super Glue!!

The deadline for entering the Daffy Definition Kontest in 9:00 PST Thursday. Here's where you go. An unproduced pilot can be yours!!!
New York Giants moron Paxico Burress (above) shot himself in the leg accidentally when the concealed weapon he was carrying went off during a nightclub visit. Don’t you hate it when that happens to you? But it brings to mind some of my other favorite stupid professional sports injuries.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Zoel Zumaya, sustained inflammation in his arm, causing him to miss three games of the 2008 American League Championship Series because he played too much of the video game “Guitar Hero”.

Ken Griffey Jr. once missed a game for the Seattle Mariners when he pinched himself with his protective cup.

Wade Boggs, former Red Sox (Red Sock?), injured his back while trying to put on cowboy boots. He also sustained minor injuries after his wife tried to run him over with her car. Seek counseling, you two lovebirds.

Atlanta Braves' pitcher/genius John Smoltz once burned himself while ironing a shirt. He was wearing the shirt at the time. I wish I making that up.

Brett Barbarie (once married to Jillian, the Fox sports dingbat), then a second baseman for the Florida Marlins, wa making nachos before a game. After cutting chili peppers, Barbarie washed his hands, but they apparently still had some chili oil on them. When he put in his contacts his eyes started burning and he couldn't play. Maybe Jillian was the smart one in that relationship.

San Diego pitcher Adam Eaton missed a start when he stabbed himself in the stomach while trying to cut the shrink-wrap off a DVD. This is why we need itunes.

Hall of Famer George Brett broke his toe when he tripped running from the kitchen to the living room to watch a baseball game replay of himself on TV. This is why we have YouTube.

Fellow teammate, Brent Mayne, missed a month of the 2002 season. He wrenched his back turning his head to check for traffic while crossing a street.

Sammy Sosa had to go on the Disabled List after hurting his back sneezing.

Jose Cardenal missed a game because of crickets in his hotel room. He was too exhausted to play.

Kevin Mitchell (when I was broadcasting for the Mariners) threw up so violently after eating a chili dog during a game in Anaheim that he strained his ribs and missed the next month.

Latrell Sprewell broke his hand when he tripped and fell of his yacht. Hard to really feel sorry for him, isn’t it?

Former NHL goaltender Glenn Healy missed time between the pipes after he cut his finger while attempting to repair bagpipes. I always send mine out.

Nolan Ryan once was bitten by a coyote. Tell me you haven’t used that excuse.

Toronto Blue Jay, Glenallen Hill, had a bad dream about spiders, leaped out of bed and crashed into something.

Denver Bronco's quarterback, Brian Griese nearly missed a game after he sprained his ankle when he was run over by his dog.

Little Muggsy Bogues missed the second half of an NBA game after unintentionally inhaling ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. Far out man!

Boston's Craig Grebeck had to leave a game after rubbing his eye with a finger that had stick-em on it.

Golfer John Daly hurt his hand but to stop the bleeding he put Super Glue on it. Why didn’t we think of that on MASH?

Washington QB Gus Ferotte was taken to the hospital with a jammed neck after he head-butted the end zone concrete wall while celebrating a touchdown.

And don’t think it’s just American athletes. I saved the best for last.

Australian rugby league player Jamie Ainscough complained of an infection in his arm so doctors gave him X-rays which revealed Jamie had another player's tooth embedded into his arm. The tooth found its way into Jamie's arm in a game nearly a month earlier but he's not sure how it happened. Maybe it’s when he bit him, but I wasn’t there. Anyway, this story has a happy ending. Jamie mailed the tooth back to the other player.

How to sell a screenplay by drinking in a bar

Only a few more days for entering the Daffy Definition Kontest. Here's where you go. And even if you don't enter, treat yourself. There are some inspired entries.
Aspiring screenwriters always ask what’s the best way to break into the Hollywood? I say move to Minnesota.

It sure worked for Diablo Cody. A couple of years ago she sat in the frozen tundra and wrote JUNO. And now Nick Schenk.

Nick was a construction worker and fruit truck driver who dabbled in writing on the side. He contributed some of the better comedy sketches for the prestigious DVD, FACTORY ACCIDENT SEX.

A couple of years ago Nick spent his nights in a local bar banging out a screenplay. He scribbled everything down on a pad. With Hamm’s on tap as his muse, Nick wrote 25 pages in one night. Helping him develop this project was a guy who sold furnaces to the gas company and the bartender. So you know he was in good hands.

His main character: a sympathetic racist old codger. What Hollywood studio isn’t looking for six of those vehicles? Nick was clearly tapped into the zeitgeist.

He got the script to a pair of young producers. From there it followed the usual path. Submitted to Clint Eastwood who agreed to direct it and come out of acting retirement to star in it. Nick’s screenplay was filmed as is, with no studio interference and no other writers brought in to rewrite. In fact, there were no rewrites period.

GRAN TORINO opens in selected theaters this month and goes wide in January.

The point of this story is that IT CAN HAPPEN! Granted, not often. But still, without the benefit of living in LA, or having taken Robert McKee’s seminar, or spending six years at NYU, or being married to Brian Grazer you can become a highly successful screenwriter. Just make sure you dress warm and can drive with chains on your tires.

NIXON/FROST

Still time to check out the Daffy Definitions Kontest. Click here.
NIXON/FROST is the movie based on the stage play based on the television show. It features a brilliant script by Peter Morgan (who also wrote THE QUEEN – he’s your go-to-guy for names-in-the-news biopics), and was slickly directed by Ron Howard.

People who saw the play said it was even better but they could just be showing off because they saw the play. The movie was damn good and moved along at a brisk pace. I was curious to see just what perspective the movie added to the subject matter ‘cause face it, if it’s just two talking heads on camera you can go to YouTube and see the original. What Morgan and Opie did was very smart. They showed you another side of Nixon. (And he had many faces to choose from.) Who knew that he was really savvy and intelligent in addition to being corrupt, paranoid, cheap, and in most ways despicable?

I’m sure the filmmakers’ big question was whether the audience would remotely give a shit whether British gabmeister, David Frost pulled this off? I must say I didn’t care like I did in SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE when I wanted to jump through the screen and help the hero myself, but I did find myself vested in Frost’s predicament. And he had some tougher challenges than Jamal in SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. Sure Jamal had to flee the evil orphanage that wanted to blind him but he never had to pitch a show to ABC.

The thing that shines more than anything else in this movie is the acting. Michael Sheen has made a nice career for himself playing famous English characters in Peter Morgan plays. First he was Tony Blair in THE QUEEN and now David Frost. I look forward to his portrayal someday of boxer Lennox Lewis. In the interest of accuracy Sheen could have played Frost taller but I’m just quibbling.

And Frank Langella as Tricky Dick was nothing short of extraordinary. He took a two-dimensional caricature in real life and made him three-dimensional on the flat screen. He captured Nixon’s goofy physical mannerisms, the voice inflections, and facial expressions. Watching Nixon walk -- all hunched over with his arms at his sides – he always reminded me of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character. That’s the way Yogi Bear and Boo Boo used to walk. Much of the film is in close up and the subtlety and nuance that Langella displayed was remarkable.

Just how crucial was Langella’s contribution. Picture the same movie with Dan Ackyrod playing Nixon.

I had only one problem with this movie. If it had been released ten years ago it would have had a thousand times the impact it does today. What seemed so shocking, so unthinkable back then – a United States president lying to the American people and covering up a botched break-in – is nothing in comparison to what Bush, Cheney, Rove, & Co. have done. Nixon shoplifted a Snickers bar compared to these Visigoths. And at least Nixon was tortured by his actions for the rest of his life. When George Bush has his comparable interview in a few years with Tyra Banks I’m sure there will be no such remorse. He may have destroyed the country and the world but at least he spared Vegas.

Executives say the stupidest things

In case you missed my Saturday post, I've started a new Kontest. Click here for the details. Some excellent entries already.
Industry executives are famous for jaw dropping statements. Who will ever forget the CBS suit who gave this script note to the producer of MY FAVORITE MARTIAN: “A Martian wouldn’t say that”?

Several years ago a feature producer rejected a spec screenplay I had written. He told my agent, “The writing was so good that it almost fooled me into liking this movie.” Damn! I almost pulled it off!

So every year tales of these idiotic statements get passed around delis and “Promenades” and “Groves” and wherever else writers hang out. Of the doozies I’ve heard this year this is by my far my favorite.

Jim Troesh is one of the funniest people I know. We’re in an improv workshop together and I’m forever amazed at the inspired stuff he comes up with. Oh, by the way, Jim Troesh is also a quadriplegic.

Recently he wrote, financed, and stars in a pilot called THE HOLLYWOOD QUAD. It’s about his adventures trying to make it in show business with his somewhat significant handicap and is much funnier than most of the sitcoms currently on the air. Emmy winner, Bryan Cranston is also featured.

Jim’s agent recently submitted it to one of the cable networks. It was rejected. The agent said to the executive, “I guess you couldn’t get past the quadriplegic aspect, huh?” to which the executive said, “No, no. We were fine with that. It’s just that shows about Hollywood don’t really do well.”

How do you top that? I'm sure someone will. And soon.

Product Placement before it was cool

Enter the Daffy Definition Kontest. Details here.
A lot of people ask me about the Coke scene in the movie David Isaacs and I wrote, VOLUNTEERS. We took a lot of heat for it because the studio that produced it also owned the Coca Cola company. It was viewed as a shameless plug. The truth is it was a complete coincidence.

Here’s the notorious scene but first an earlier scene setting up the animosity between Lawrence (Tom Hanks) and Beth (Rita Wilson). They are flying to Thailand to begin service in the Peace Corps in 1962. Lawrence is a rich preppy who is only there because he switched places with his roommate Kent to skip a huge gambling debt. Beth is an idealistic coed. They’re about to land.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

BETH
Bangkok already? I can’t believe it.

LAWRENCE
Yes, we’ve been talking now for … (checks his watch) … Ooh, ten hours.

BETH
Kent, I’m really lucky to be assigned with you.

LAWRENCE
You know, Beth, we’re going to have so much to do when we get to…

A beat.

BETH
Loong Ta.

LAWRENCE
Of course. What do you think about taking tonight for ourselves? A bit of dinner, a few drinks, see a little of the city. And then, who knows? (taking her hand) There’s only one thing we haven’t shared together yet.

Beth smiles, not taking him seriously.

BETH
Very funny.

Lawrence smiles back at her. He’s serious. She looks at him, takes her hand back.

BETH
(cool) Thank you just the same.

LAWRENCE
Oh, come on, Beth. We’ve been moony-eyed since Istanbul. Why fight it?

BETH
(flustered) Kent, why are you doing this? I thought we were becoming friends.

LAWRENCE
This is what I do with my friends.

BETH
You’ve just been trying to go to bed with me?

LAWRENCE
(checking his watch) Well, I think I’ve put in the hours, don’t you?

Okay. And a few months later they’re in Loong Ta, a dirt poor village of thatched huts and nothing else. We needed a way to break the ice, to start getting them together. In interviewing former Peace Corps volunteers we learned that Coca Cola was one of the things they missed most, especially if stationed in a hot jungle. So taking that info, we wrote this scene:

*********
INT. LAWRENCE’S CLUB – NIGHT

Beth enters to find that Lawrence has transformed the hut into an exotic, albeit small, nightclub. There are bamboo chairs and tables, plants, and a makeshift bar, fully stocked with liquor. Lawrence, wearing his dinner jacket, sits at the corner table smoking a cigarette. An old villager sits off to the side, trying his best to play, “As Time Goes By” on his primitive Thai sitar.

LAWRENCE
Welcome. I call it “Lawrence’s”.

BETH
I don’t believe it… even from you.

LAWRENCE
It was easier than you think.

BETH
How did you…?

Lawrence waves at the villager to stop playing.

LAWRENCE
A little elbow grease, a few connections and voila: Loong Ta’s first public service. Are you as proud of me as I am? Can I get you a drink?

BETH
What’s this for?

LAWRENCE
For a job well done. I’ve got Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jim Beam… the whole gang.

BETH
You’ve got liquor?

LAWRENCE
And wine. The house special is a delightfully articulate Chablis.

BETH
I haven’t seen a tube of toothpaste in two weeks and you have a bar?

LAWRENCE
Don’t fight it, Beth.

BETH
Goodnight, Lawrence.

LAWRENCE
You’re taking the narrow view again.

She starts for the door, then stops and turns back.

BETH
Do you have a Coke?

LAWRENCE
Plain, cherry, lemon or vanilla?

BETH
Plain. A plain Coke.

Lawrence reaches beneath the bar, grabs a bottle of Coke, and with much panache, removes the cap.

LAWRENCE
(handing it to her) You more than earned it.

Beth takes the Coke, looks at it, then takes a long swig.

BETH
Oh, that is fantastic… I miss these so much. Lawrence, damn you, you’re a life saver.

LAWRENCE
(toasting her with another Coke) To friends. Would you care to dance?

Beth thinks it over, takes one more good chug of Coke, and steps into Lawrence’s arms.

LAWRENCE
(to the villager) Try it again, Sam.

The sitar player strikes up “As Time Goes By” in the same monotonous way. Lawrence snaps his fingers, ordering him to pick up the pace. THE CAMERA SLOWLY PULLS BACK, and THROUGH THE WINDOW we watch Lawrence and Beth dancing slowly around the room, Beth shyly looking into Lawrence’s eyes. Electricity flickers.

********

We wrote that Coke scene in the first draft, 1980. It stayed in every draft and wound up on the screen. Originally the movie was set up at MGM. After a couple of years it went into turnaround, finally landing at HBO Silver Screen in partnership with Tri-Star. This was 1984. Tri-Star was a division of Sony, as was the Coca Cola company. No one from the studio ever asked that that scene be in. No one from the studio ever mentioned that scene period.

A year later the film was released and we walked into a major shitstorm.

I look back and think, all of this could so easily been avoided if he just offered her a joint.

The Daffy Definition Kontest

PUNHARRI: The ancient ritual of killing bad jokes

I think we have another contest. You guys have come up with some great definitions based on your comment verification codes. For those who don’t read the comments, you’re missing out. Some great stuff in there. (And don’t think I’m threatened because some of you sons a bitches are funnier than I am.)

But your definitions are just too good not to be rewarded. So in the spirit of the Komedy Kontest, I’m hereby starting another competition. The best word verification daffy definition. Since it’s luck of the draw what the combination of letters will be for you I think it’s only fair to keep the initial entry period open longer than the Komedy Kontest. So phase one will end at 9:00 PM PST on Thursday. That gives you six days.

Like before, I will have someone else select the top five and you guys will vote for the final winner. Better to hate someone you don't know rather than me.

“Yeah, yeah”, you’re saying, “But what the hell do I WIN? It better be GREAT!”

It will be hard to top the Komedy Kontest grand prize -- a signed AfterMASH script – but I think I’ve done it.

The winner of the Daffy Definition Kontest will receive…

Are you ready?

A signed copy of MIDNIGHT, one of our very best unproduced pilots! Talk about rare! Talk about special! Talk about a show that should have been made! This one is it! And it includes the official Paramount Studios script cover, just like the one rejected by CBS.

Some Kontest rules:

Enter as many times as you’d like.

You must give your name.

You’re on the honor system. But judges have the right to throw out any entry they feel is not legitimate.

Please do not comment on other entries until the final five are chosen.

Decision of the judges is final.

You must be a citizen of some country in order to apply. Doesn't have to be the US but some country.

You are not required to listen to my Sunday night radio show from 7-10 PST on Talkradio 790 KABC even though it streams live on the internet.

Best of luck, everyone. Let the punharri begin!

Is there life after Secret Squirrel?

Some more Friday questions to chew on:

From Kirk Jusko:

I assume that writers, at least when they're starting out, go wherever the work is, and sometimes end up writing for shows that, through no fault of their own, go down in history as silly, cheesy, hokey, etc. I wonder how that hurts a writer's reputation. For instance, would someone who had written for GILLIGAN'S ISLAND or THE BRADY BUNCH have had a difficult time getting work on MASH or ALL IN THE FAMILY?

You’re right. When you’re starting out you take any job. No one faults you for that. Shakespeare would be writing THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK & CODY if he broke in today. But to make the jump from a cheesy show to a quality show usually requires a spec script even though you’re already working on staff.

Peter Casey & David Lee produced THE JEFFERSONS for several seasons. But they still had to write a CHEERS spec to be considered for an assignment. Their script was terrific and the rest is history. Among early the early credits of SOPRANOS writers are THE NEW FLIPPER, 2 STUPID DOGS, SISTER SISTER, and THE SECRET SQUIRREL SHOW.

Simon H. wonders:

Do you ever watch old episodes of shows you wrote, and then have that moment where you go "I could have done that better if I changed that or did so and so"?

Only ALL the time. With the exception of maybe ten episodes, I’d like all of them back. That’s why it’s sometimes hard to watch old shows of mine.

Every so often I’ll be channel surfing and one of my episodes will be on. If it’s one I haven’t seen in awhile I’ll stay with it. A few times I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I watched VOLUNTEERS recently for the first time in probably ten years and actually liked it better now than when it first came out. Fortunately, I never have to worry about coming across AfterMASH reruns.

And finally, Terry asks:

If you have a spec script that you like, but you wrote it before a story arch happened, should you go back and fix it to include the new dynamics of the series?

If you can, sure. The more up-to-date your script is, the better. But if you can’t, and the show hasn’t gone off in such a different direction that your spec is obsolete then stick with it. Ultimately, it’s the writing that will sell. How well have you captured the characters? How funny is the script? How clever is the storytelling?

That said, I think you’re asking for trouble writing a spec for a serialized show. You have no idea what LOST will be up to by the time your script is finished. Or 24 or MAD MEN. If you’re writing a drama, pick a self-contained show, or at least semi-self-contained like HOUSE or BOSTON LEGAL. And as always, good luck. Someone has to break through. Might as well be you.

What’s your question?

3-D -- it's so unfair!!

From time to time I like to use this forum to tell inspirational stories. Tales of perseverance and courage, people overcoming insurmountable odds to achieve success in this cold hard world despite their cruel burdens. Today I will be telling my story. I share this with you in the hopes that others who share a similar affliction will take solace and even find the strength to go on as I have. If I can help even one person then my suffering will have been worth it.

This is very hard so I hope you’ll allow me a stumble or two. I’ve never actually admitted this in public. Deep breath. Okay. Here I go.

I can’t see 3-D.

It doesn’t work on me. Jesus, it’s terrifying seeing that in print. My astigmatisms combined with my far sightedness and depth perception issues prevent me from experiencing the full three-dimensional effect.

I was first stricken with this insidious misfortune as a child. Imagine, a mere lad, way too young to have developed coping mechanisms. Blissful and without a care in the world, I skipped into my local theater (Grauman’s Chinese), donned these nifty disposable anaglyph glasses and prepared to have the shit scared out of me by HOUSE OF WAX. But alas, my horror was not at the lifelike images popping off the screen, it was that images were so blurry I couldn’t distinguish Vincent Price from Phyllis Kirk.

Maybe it was that movie. Or those glasses. I rushed to my other local theater (The Hollywood Egyptian) and saw IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE. Sorry. For me IT STAYED ON THE SCREEN. And the same problem persisted. Fernando Lamas and Arlene Dahl seemed to be the same person.

I gave it one last chance. INFERNO starring Rhonda Fleming. Oh please let those breasts hit me in the eye! But no. Other than looking really cool in those glasses, I was incapable of processing 3-D.

All the great movies that followed and I couldn’t see any of them. CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON, GOG, PARDON MY BACKFIRE, THE MAD MAGICIAN, ROBOT MONSTERS, and the scariest of them all – KISS ME KATE.

I felt alone. Isolated. And yes, let’s just say it – unloved. I tried to train myself. I’d wear those 3-D glasses everywhere. But the only thing that came alive was Picasso paintings. I eventually had to reconcile that I was never going to be like the other kids.

Fortunately, the fad faded. Save for some Deborah Walley vehicle that no one saw (if she’s not playing Gidget, what’s the point?) I managed to make it through the 60s relatively unscathed. In college when everyone was dropping acid and taking LSD I just put on my 3-D glasses and saw the same hallucinations.

And I was dating a girl with both eyes on the same side of her nose and I didn’t know it. She was very nice and otherwise I might not have asked her out.

My terror was rekindled in the 80s when strolling through Disneyland I happened upon CAPTAIN EO, the Michael Jackson movie. Yes, it was in 3-D but this was Disney. If anyone could perfect the process it was Walt. And yet, the illusion still eluded me. (Today you need to wear 3-D glasses to see Jacko in three-dimension even if you’re in the same room as him.)

I was heartened in the 90s when I was able to enjoy a film on an IMAX screen. That effect where the screen appears larger seemed to work on me.

But enough 3-D movies would come out to remind me that I was different and put me in my place.

I’ll admit it. I thought about chucking it all. Maybe drop out of society, sublet the Unibomber’s shed, sell Comcast cable in the wilderness.

But then I said, no! If some people with afflictions can look at life with rose colored glasses I can look at it with half rose and half blue.

And even though BOLT is now out in 3-D and I can’t see it, instead of feeling sorry for myself I say, “What’s the point of making a cartoon look real anyway?’ And Thursday night when selected theaters broadcast the Chargers-Raiders NFL game in experimental 3-D and I won’t be there, I won’t question the existence of God, I’ll just say, “Anyone who pays money to see that dog of a match up has a bigger problem than me!”

Suddenly I feel empowered. Relieved. Headache free. And now I’m going to the obscure video store. And I’m getting all the movies I missed-- . CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON, GOG, PARDON MY BACKFIRE, THE MAD MAGICIAN, ROBOT MONSTERS, IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE. And even a few I was afraid to see like HAWAIIAN NIGHTS with Mamie Van Doren and Pinky Lee, and THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL. And if I have to watch ‘em with one eye, fuck it!

Wishful Drinking, by Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher, a casual friend (we’ve swapped emails but she probably wouldn’t remember) has just written her autobiography. It’s great! Jesus, the hell she’s been through. But she tells her life story with such wit and perspective that you find yourself spellbound. And for any star struck kid who ever dreamed of growing up in the glamour and excitement of Hollywood this book should knock that shit out quick.

Here are just a couple of brief excerpts to give you a taste.

When I was born, my mother was given an anaesthetic because they didn't have epidurals in those days. Consequently, she was unconscious.

Now, my mother is a beautiful woman - she's beautiful today in her 70s, so at 24 she looked like a Christmas morning. All the doctors were buzzing round her pretty head, saying: 'Oh, look at Debbie Reynolds asleep - how pretty.'

And my father, upon seeing me start to arrive, fainted. So all the nurses ran over saying: 'Oh look, there's Eddie Fisher, the crooner, on the ground. Let's go look at him.'

So when I arrived I was virtually unattended. And I have been trying to make up for that fact ever since.

*******

Mom and Dad were great friends with Elizabeth Taylor and her husband Mike Todd. Mike died in a plane crash in 1958, when I was two, and my dad flew to Elizabeth's side, making his way slowly to her front.

*******

He later wrote his autobiography, Been There, Done That - well, he called it an autobiography, but I thought of it more as a novel. I like to call it Been There, Done Them, because it really was just about the women he'd slept with and how the sex was and what their bodies were like (so it is a feelgood read).

*******

There was also my mother's closet - which I always thought of as the Church Of Latter-Day Debbie because it was the magical place that she entered as my mom and emerged as Debbie Reynolds.

********

At a certain point in my early 20s, my mother started to worry about my obviously ever-increasing drug ingestion. So she ended up doing what any concerned parent would do. She called Cary Grant.

********

Some years later, I was in London en route to my mother's wedding to Richard Hamlett, her third husband (I don't like to miss any of my parents' weddings). She called me at my hotel, and when I didn't answer she became concerned.

So she let the phone ring and ring - until finally she panicked. She knew I was in the room so, in her mind, probably the only reason I wasn't answering the phone was that I had overdosed.

So she did what any normal concerned mother might do when troubled about her daughter's well-being. She called Ava Gardner. And she asked Ava to make sure I was not dead.

*********

I live next door to my mom now. She is still a little eccentric.

Whenever she calls she says: 'Hello, dear, this is your mother, Debbie.' (As opposed to my mother Vladimir or Jean-Jacques.) My brother and I talk this way to each other now: 'Hello dear, this is your brother, Todd.'

Another example of her eccentricity: she suggested several times that I should have a child with her last husband, Richard, because 'it would have nice eyes'. It hadn't occurred to her this might be odd. I think she just thought, you know, my womb was free and we're family.

*********

When I spoke about my mental illness publicly, I won great acclaim. I waited my entire life to get an award for something, anything (OK, fine, not acting, but what about a tiny little award for writing? Nope), I now get awards for being mentally ill.

***********

Remember the white dress I wore all through that film (STAR WARS)? George (Lucas) came up to me the first day of filming, took one look at the dress and said: 'You can't wear a bra under that dress.'

'OK, I'll bite,' I said. 'Why?' And he said: 'Because ... there's no underwear in space.'

**********

Among George's many possessions, he owns my likeness, so that every time I look in the mirror I have to send him a couple of bucks. That's partly why he's so rich.

***********

When I was about 16 and my brother Todd was about 14, my mother took a part in a musical in New York, so we moved there for a year. I was out one evening when someone told me my mother was on the phone.

'I'm at the hospital with your brother,' she said. 'He shot himself in the leg with a blank.'

'What?' I said. 'He'll be fine,' she continued. 'He's in surgery now. Anyway, the police are here and they want to come to the house to examine the gun.

'I need you to get to the house before them to let them in, but also I need you to hide all the guns and bullets and - what else ... Oh yes! I need you to flush your brother's marijuana down the lavatory.'

************
It was Saturday night and you would think that this wouldn't be a particularly slow night for crime in New York. But you wouldn't know it looking at our living room because we had five policemen milling around, asking my mother pertinent questions such as: 'Did you know John Wayne? What kind of guy was he?'

Finally they told us they had established the gun could discharge live ammo, so my mother was in possession of an unlicensed firearm and had to go to the police station.

We got home just before 6am and there was a knock at the door.

Mom went to see who it was and came back laughing. 'It was a couple of reporters,' she said. 'They heard Todd had been shot in the leg and they wanted to know if I had done it for publicity for the show. I so badly wanted to tell them, "Yes, and now I can only do one more Broadway musical because I only have one child left to shoot for publicity."'

"Wishful Drinking" by Carrie Fisher, is published by Simon & Schuster and available here.

The CBS Monday Night lineup

I thought I’d review the CBS Monday night comedies. Not this past Monday because I haven’t seen them, but the week before. Thanks to my DVR I got around to them on Friday. And I figure, if you missed any of these I’m sure they’re on the CBS website or Hulu or YouTube or rerunning on CSPAN.

I know this is subjective and you're welcome to say "Huh? You liked THAT?" or "How come you didn't say Charlie Sheen is the greatest comedian since Alex Karras?" Just leave your name when you comment.

BIG BANG THEORY – Jim Parsons (pictured left) as Sheldon is hilarious. Imagine people watching a comedy because the star is funny, not handsome. The stories are not very complicated. In this episode Sheldon tried to keep Leonard and his new girlfriend together. That’s pretty much it for every scene. But the jokes were good. And BIG BANG THEORY barrages you with jokes. Thank God a lot of them work. I appreciate that BBT really makes an effort to make you laugh. And they’ve got the right writers and cast to pull it off.

TWO AND A HALF MEN – Wish they’d take the high road more. Wish I created a show even half that successful. But note to director: Tell the kid to stop growing.

WORST WEEK – Americanized version of the British sitcom. Not much in sophisticated storytelling here either. It’s the wedding day, things go wrong, the show ends. It’s slapstick farce, something you rarely see on weekly sitcoms. Why? Because it’s so damn hard to pull off! There were some big laughs in this episode. Great misunderstandings, terrific payoffs, ambitious stunts, they set a swimming pool on fire, and Fred Willard substituted THE BARNEY MILLER THEME for “Here Comes the Bride”.

Kyle Bomheimer as the less Jewish/more middle America-friendly version of Seth Rogen is pitch perfect as the hapless groom. He’s just real enough, just sweet enough, just earnest enough that you root for him and don’t think he’s a total schmuck.

Of the two versions I think I still prefer the British but that just may be because Sarah Alexander (pictured right) is in it.

My big question about this show is how do they sustain this farce every week? FOUR CHRISTMASES can’t sustain it for fifteen minutes.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER – For my money, the best of the four. You really get the feeling the writers are trying to tell unique stories in inventive ways. “The Naked Man” episode was a good example. I’ve never seen a show built around whether it’s good form on a first date to surprise your date by taking off all your clothes when her back is turned. Not even on THE FLYING NUN. But it was funny, there were some nice twists, and everything paid off nicely. Maybe it’s my CHEERS bias but I like shows where characters with different comic points-of-view all get together and bat around a topic. The humor here is more observational and character specific (also a personal preference) and you gotta love Doogie. I wished they’d use Jason Segel more and dressed Cobie Smulders in less. How about “the Naked Girl”?

CBS has a good Monday night line-up. Some week I might actually watch it on a Monday night.