Wednesday, December 10, 2008

He's bleeding. Nurse, quick! Get me the Super Glue!!

The deadline for entering the Daffy Definition Kontest in 9:00 PST Thursday. Here's where you go. An unproduced pilot can be yours!!!
New York Giants moron Paxico Burress (above) shot himself in the leg accidentally when the concealed weapon he was carrying went off during a nightclub visit. Don’t you hate it when that happens to you? But it brings to mind some of my other favorite stupid professional sports injuries.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Zoel Zumaya, sustained inflammation in his arm, causing him to miss three games of the 2008 American League Championship Series because he played too much of the video game “Guitar Hero”.

Ken Griffey Jr. once missed a game for the Seattle Mariners when he pinched himself with his protective cup.

Wade Boggs, former Red Sox (Red Sock?), injured his back while trying to put on cowboy boots. He also sustained minor injuries after his wife tried to run him over with her car. Seek counseling, you two lovebirds.

Atlanta Braves' pitcher/genius John Smoltz once burned himself while ironing a shirt. He was wearing the shirt at the time. I wish I making that up.

Brett Barbarie (once married to Jillian, the Fox sports dingbat), then a second baseman for the Florida Marlins, wa making nachos before a game. After cutting chili peppers, Barbarie washed his hands, but they apparently still had some chili oil on them. When he put in his contacts his eyes started burning and he couldn't play. Maybe Jillian was the smart one in that relationship.

San Diego pitcher Adam Eaton missed a start when he stabbed himself in the stomach while trying to cut the shrink-wrap off a DVD. This is why we need itunes.

Hall of Famer George Brett broke his toe when he tripped running from the kitchen to the living room to watch a baseball game replay of himself on TV. This is why we have YouTube.

Fellow teammate, Brent Mayne, missed a month of the 2002 season. He wrenched his back turning his head to check for traffic while crossing a street.

Sammy Sosa had to go on the Disabled List after hurting his back sneezing.

Jose Cardenal missed a game because of crickets in his hotel room. He was too exhausted to play.

Kevin Mitchell (when I was broadcasting for the Mariners) threw up so violently after eating a chili dog during a game in Anaheim that he strained his ribs and missed the next month.

Latrell Sprewell broke his hand when he tripped and fell of his yacht. Hard to really feel sorry for him, isn’t it?

Former NHL goaltender Glenn Healy missed time between the pipes after he cut his finger while attempting to repair bagpipes. I always send mine out.

Nolan Ryan once was bitten by a coyote. Tell me you haven’t used that excuse.

Toronto Blue Jay, Glenallen Hill, had a bad dream about spiders, leaped out of bed and crashed into something.

Denver Bronco's quarterback, Brian Griese nearly missed a game after he sprained his ankle when he was run over by his dog.

Little Muggsy Bogues missed the second half of an NBA game after unintentionally inhaling ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. Far out man!

Boston's Craig Grebeck had to leave a game after rubbing his eye with a finger that had stick-em on it.

Golfer John Daly hurt his hand but to stop the bleeding he put Super Glue on it. Why didn’t we think of that on MASH?

Washington QB Gus Ferotte was taken to the hospital with a jammed neck after he head-butted the end zone concrete wall while celebrating a touchdown.

And don’t think it’s just American athletes. I saved the best for last.

Australian rugby league player Jamie Ainscough complained of an infection in his arm so doctors gave him X-rays which revealed Jamie had another player's tooth embedded into his arm. The tooth found its way into Jamie's arm in a game nearly a month earlier but he's not sure how it happened. Maybe it’s when he bit him, but I wasn’t there. Anyway, this story has a happy ending. Jamie mailed the tooth back to the other player.

41 comments:

Tim W. said...

I can't really make fun of most of those players and their injuries. As a basketball player, I've had my fair share. I just played for the first time in a month after badly spraining my ankle landing on someone's foot after a shot (which I made, by the way) near the end of the game. That doesn't sound so bad except that the reason I hurt it so badly was because I had badly sprained my other ankle at the beginning of the game, but didn't want to stop playing. And no, I don't get paid. Apparently I'm just stupid that way. Just to give you a clue, my wife didn't bat an eye when I told her what happened. She's quite used to that sort of thing.

Buttermilk Sky said...

The way I remember it, Ainscough complained of a persistent headache and found another player's tooth embedded in his skull. But you're the Emmy winner.

My verification word is "Impreg," the pill for those who want to move beyond Viagra. Or is that on a different page?

Anonymous said...

Another australian rugby league Player last year suffered a season ending injury to his leg after tripping over his infant daughter and trying to avoid falling on top of her.

My verification word is "cristisi", an Italian confection made primarily from communion wafers.

Simon H. said...

There's a fresh one today of a NHL player injuring themselves with a snowblower: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/In-the-battle-of-snowblower-vs-Joe-Sakic-snowb?urn=nhl,128200

Michael H. said...

The one about John Smoltz appears to be a myth. He was on the Dan Patrick radio show and debunked that one. Though it's in the popular lore now and will probably never leave.

Idesse: An elderly female goose. An Italian town outside Rome. The German word for "Exit with caution."

John said...

Chicago rookie point guard Derrick Rose cut himself in the arm this past Monday after... he laid down on his bed where an apple slicing knife was. He apparently was slicing the apple, then got up and forgot about the knife when he got back on his bed. He took 10 stitches at the hospital, but played Tuesday and won against the Knicks.

Jerad said...

I seem to remember reading somewhere that super glue was originally invented as a way of quickly closing cuts for field doctors. I could be wrong though.

boxylshi: A box formed into a sexy shape.

okiesister said...

Good post.
You couldn't make this stuff up.
"Truth is indeed stranger than fiction."
Sorry professional writers....

impworks said...

If my memory isn't playing tricks Cyanoacrylate adhesive (aka Super Glue) wasn't developed for medical use but was used by MASH units but in Vietnam rather than Korea. The opposite is true of the glue that doesn't stick used on postit notes was originally developed with a medical application in mind but ended up on office stationary.

Joe said...

OMG. "Unintentionally inhaling ointment fumes" will be the title of my band's next album. Or would be if I had a recording contract.

Or a band.

Or musical skill.

My WVW is "conduc" which is either a convicted mallard or the way one behaves in the absence of tea.

Chad said...

You know, not once did Babe Ruth miss a game because of the clap.

Not once.

So there.

Sebastian said...

What I really love is when players on the DL have "groin injury" listed as their problem.

Always cracks me up :-)

"shiesse" - german word for "shit" (ok actually it's "Scheisse" but who cares)...

Jayne said...

I remember reading about that Smoltz thing at the time it happened. Seems to me Smoltz tried to deny it then too! Pretty sure he adamantly denied he was wearing the shirt but if I did something that damn stupid I'd deny it too!

I can't add any other athletes to the list but I will give this warning to anyone who happens to live in a city that has a baseball team dumb enough to sign Ben Sheets: Get ready for him to get a hangnail or break an eyelash about mid May. This will result in him being out until after the All Star Break. Then he might be ok until the last month of the season when he'll stub his toe or get an inflamed taste bud resulting in his loss for the rest of the season!

Oh and might I say that I hate the New York Yankees even more now than I did before! And I didn't know that was possible!

MamboKing said...

You left out two classics:

1. Miami Dolphins wide receiver Duriel Harris broke his leg in 1981 when he spiked the ball after a touchdown, and the ball bounced into his leg.

2. Atlanta Braves outfielder Terry Harper dislocated his shoulder while standing near home base and waving a teammate in.

Gridlock said...

Superglue was developed as a field dressing (in Viet Nam iirc) but once somebody superglued Ho Chi Minh's door locks shut the secret was out.

Post-it adhesive is a good one too, the scientist who discovered/invented it was working on a project to make the world's most sticky glue..

GumInd - New Delhi's favourite rubber-based sweet.

Dana King said...

Knuckleball pitcher Charlie Hough was kidding with someone once about not really being an athlete, and said they probably shouldn't shake hands, as Charlie might get hurt. They did the little "pinkie swear" handshake thing, and Charlie broke his pinkie.

Hasem - What a street vendor says when he has something you asked him for. "Yeah, I hasem."

A. Buck Short said...

Tell me again, when do you know you're a redneck?

Anonymous said...

I love John Smoltz. But I watched the Braves game where he was scratched from starting because of that injury. They announced that he burned his chest with an iron. That's the source of the myth. Maybe it was exaggerated but something happened.

Mary Stella said...

I think some Mets pitcher many years ago also sliced off the tip of a finger when pruning shrubs with a hedge clipper.

George Brett -- Most famous hemmorhoids in baseball. I wouldn't wish that condition on anybody, but if it had to happen to George, what better timing than when his team played my Phillies in the 1980 World Series. (We won!)

To the man injured playing Guitar Hero... I feel your pain. I broke a pinkie finger playing air guitar to Led Zeppelin. While windmilling my arm for a big finish, I jammed my finger between my leg and the wall.

LouOCNY said...

The Mets pitcher was Bob Ojeda...

SJML said...

Former Jaguars kicker Jaret Holmes and former punter Chris Hanson once injured themselves when a fondue pot tipped over.

Chris Hanson had another stupid injury -- in Coach Jack Del Rio's first season, he put a block of wood and an axe in the locker room as a reminder to the players to "keep chopping wood." (I don't quite understand the sentiment, but that's probably why I'm not a coach.) While everyone else was out practicing, Hanson took a swing at the wood, missed, and sliced open his calf. Went on injured reserve and missed the remainder of the season.

Jim said...

The rumor around Denver was that Griese tripped over his own small dogs. And the secondary rumor was that those dogs were named "Jack" and "Daniel".

(Nobody at this blog has a comment on Fran Drescher's Senatorial ambitions? I was expecting some spectacular bile)

carryi: The plural of carrion? Or a new film about a cult of psycho-kinetic teenage outcasts ruled by the Ghost of Carry White!

The Curmudgeon said...

The incoming Cleveland Indians closer, the oft-injured Kerry Wood, was out for a week... when he slipped and fell getting out of a hot tub. Another member of the Cub Hall of Shame, Shawon Dunston, went on the DL after throwing out his back trying to put in a car seat.

"verba" -- verb in the obscure Chico Marx dialect of Italian.

Seems like ever since you started that contest, you word verifications have become pretty lame.... Maybe it's because Blogger is running out of obscure combinations because you've had so many entries....

Monkeesfan said...

Check Gerald Eskenazi's book GANG GREEN for a listing of some of the funniest dumb injuries to New York Jets players over the years, such as Bobby Jackson pulling a hammy while stretched to prevent a hammy pull; quarterback Matt Robinson damaging his throwing-hand thumb before the 1979 season opener, deceiving coach Walt Michaels about it, then throwing a game-losing INT in overtime to the Browns because of it; Neil O'Donnell's injuries in the lost 1996 Jets season; and Richard Todd's busted little toes before a late-70s game against the Patriots.

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

Reading your blog in the morning while holding a cup of hot coffee is dangerous to my dog.

You write good.

Jon said...

George Brett also (famously) missed a World Series game in 1980 because of hemmoroids. As I recall, pitcher Rudy May went on the DL after tripping over his dog. I assume that's an actual dog and not a euphemism for a body part.

My verification word is "ackitt," which is the sound people make when they stifle a sneeze.

OlatheDem said...

Soon to be Yankee RHP/DLer, AJ Burnett burned his hand while ironing his jeans and then threw one of the craziest no-hitters in MLB history that night. While he allowed no hits, Burnett walked 9 batters.

verification word - malaw = Justice handed out by mothers south of the Mason-Dixon line

Dave C said...

A couple more:

Alan Trammell injured his knee while wearing platform boots as part of a Frankenstein's monster constume. He had it scoped, but I don't know if he lost games to it the next year.

Bob Stanley of the Red Sox slipped while taking out the garbage and cut tendons and nerves in a couple fingers. Not sure if he pitched again after that. Probably just as well for us Sox fans if he didn't.

There are some more good ones at http://www.dee-nee.com/rbi/hallofshame.shtml. To go w/ the Trammel injury above, there's one there for Lou Whitaker: "Missed the last month of the 1988 season after tearing a hamstring dancing at his sisters wedding."

mrdj said...

A True Story:
When I was 12 I tripped and fell and broke my arm. How? During a Little League Baseball game.

''Ball four, take your base!''

I toss my bat toward the dugout and trot down to first.

Nearing first, I suddenly find myself down on all fours. All I hear is nothing but laughter coming from both teams. I'm dying of embarrassment and looking down at my right arm which seems to jutting out at an odd angle midway between my wrist and elbow.

To add insult to injury(if not literally, at least figuratively); I then proceed to throw-up, then pass out. A twofer!

As a PS though, I have an excuse.
I really do! Really!! The night before, there had been a softball game. When they moved the bases back for baseball they left a spike that the base was strapped to in the ground. That's what I tripped on.

Nevertheless a very memorable and embarrassing sports injury.

Mary Stella said...

The rumor around Denver was that Griese tripped over his own small dogs. And the secondary rumor was that those dogs were named "Jack" and "Daniel".

Did he try to claim the were Jack Russells instead?

verification is "siciates": phonetic spelling of street pronounciation of societies.

Mike Snider said...

Phoenix Suns point-guard (and now Mayor of Sacramento) Kevin Johnson once went on the DL for several games after an on-court celebration wherein he and Charles Barkley literally bumped kneecaps! Chuck was okay; he must have sturdier kneecaps.

Anonymous said...

"Nolan Ryan once was bitten by a coyote."

Ryan then charged the coyote and beat that thing like it was Robin Ventura.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Sammy Sosa and I have one thing in common. I threw my back out when I sneezed, too. I had a crushed disc that went out on me several times under the mildest of circumstances.

Don't know his name, but I saw a football player give a violent high five to another player after a touchdown. He broke his arm.

Word Verification: cathlo. shorthand directions for inserting a cathater.

Alan Coil said...

A football player (Detroit Lion?) suffered a pinched nerve in his neck and couldn't return to the game after a teammate slapped his helmet in congratulations on a fine play.

"diastes" (I got nuttin'; yeah, I'm lame)

Pandyora said...

Don't forget the special sub-genre of silly injures "the Redneck Special."

Here I'm thinking of Dodgers (then Giants) second baseman Jeff Kent injuring his wrist while popping wheelies on his motorcycle outside of the clubhouse. (Part of the Sabean pro-grit regimen.)

Or Cardinals catcher Mike Methany severing the tendons in his thumb with a hunting knife he received as a birthday gift.

Tim W. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Richard Y said...

"Kevin Mitchell (when I was broadcasting for the Mariners) threw up so violently after eating a chili dog during a game in Anaheim that he strained his ribs and missed the next month."

I can relate as I cracked 2 ribs during a violent vomiting episode when I had the flu. Not funny guys!!!!

j gillespie said...

I always think of former Red Sox/ Reds pitcher Paxton Crawford- who injured his arm/ shoulder (?) in AAA when he fell out of a hotel bed and landed on a glass

Dave Mackey said...

All I want to thank you for today, Ken, is posting the picture of Jigglin' Booberies.

Kurt said...

On my wedding day, I ironed my tux shirt, put it on, noticed a wrinkle ... you can guess the rest. Fortunately I didn't actually burn myself, but I was glad nobody was around to hear me yelp.

My word is "fordaysm." And we thought warnings about four-hour erections were bad!

Dr. Leo Marvin said...

Sneezing is a common cause of back injury.

And Super Glue does have legitimate surgical uses.