Impressive but useless talents

There’s a guy who imitates baseball players’ batting stances. I saw him at Dodger Stadium last night. He’s uncanny at it but it got me thinking – how the hell do you make a living imitating Nomar Garciaparra’s batting stance?

And then I starting wondering – how many other gifted people are blessed with a talent that ultimately does them no good?

There’s a guy in San Francisco I once saw who did amazing reproductions of great works of art in chalk on sidewalks. Very impressive but THAT’S his calling? Of all mediums why select chalk?

A few years ago at the Hollywood Bowl an incredible mimic did the Danny Kaye Dodger song and you could swear it was Danny Kaye. How do you support your family as a Danny Kaye impersonator?

Here are a few other artists that only Broadway Danny Rose would consider representing:

There’s a guy who can snap his fingers the fastest. I guess he's the world's fastest hipster. Another can hold the most eggs in his hand. Who’s going to pay good money in Vegas to see that?

Someone claims to be the fastest texter (besides my daughter). Another is the fastest clapper. I feel sorry for the second fastest clapper because the first fastest has to be starving.

There’s a gentleman who can draw a perfect circle. Other than getting chicks I don’t see the point.

I’m sure there are others. What do baton champions do? What kind of legacy can gingerbread house makers have?

Meanwhile, Gallagher makes a handsome living smashing watermelons and Vanna White is rich from turning over vowels.

My heart goes out to these talented individuals. Oh, I just thought of another talent that yields no discernable profit.

Blogging.

It's Upfronts week!

This is Upfronts Presentation Week, when each of the networks roll out their new fall schedules. Whether your show gets ordered or not, the response is the same. “Oh shit!”

If you did get a pick-up you realize you’re already behind. And in many cases today, show orders come with tiny addendums like… recast half the parts, reshoot the whole pilot, you must hire this show runner to be over you, or these writers you don’t know to your staff.

And if your show didn’t get picked up you’re now one of those show runners hoping to be forced on someone.

So for the victors I say enjoy the hell out of this week. Go to all the cocktail parties. Collect all the SWAG. If there’s a network dinner order the prime rib. Be at the Upfronts presentation. Kvell as you hear your show touted as the best pilot to come along since ER (although the president of NBC at the time hated the ER pilot and had to be talked into putting the show on the air). You know it’s all bullshit. That guy on stage calling your show groundbreaking will be on the phone to you in two weeks ordering you to make it more mainstream.

Agents will be fawning all over you, asking you questions like “how was your weekend” as they gave a flying shit.

You’ll be getting texts and tweets of congratulation, and some will even be from people who don’t want a job. Okay… maybe three.

Tale the Laker tickets if the actors they offered them to first decline.

Relish it all. You deserve it.

The truth is, getting a show on the air is a Herculean feat (unless you’re Chuck Lorre, J.J. Abrams, Jerry Bruckheimer, or Dick Wolf). Think of all the pitches, all the scripts that came in, all the pilots that were produced – many starring bigger names than you had – and for you to emerge with one of those few coveted spots is nothing short of sensational. You made it through countless script notes, casting battles, testing, and executive screenings. So allow yourself to savor this accomplishment. Believe that your show got on because it’s really good, not cause the other candidates were even worse.

Next week the real work begins. So live it up now.

Congratulations!

Oh shit!

Best screenwriting advice I could give

The hardest screenplay we ever had to write came as a result of the easiest, quickest pitch we ever made. It also taught us a very important lesson about screenwriting.

Fall 1988. I had just finished my first year of minor league play-by-play, calling the action for the mighty Syracuse Chiefs. I had kept a journal but didn’t know what to do with it. My agent suggested instead of submitting it for publication I should pitch it as a movie. TV comedy writer goes off to announce minor league baseball. He reminded me that I’d make a whole lot more money selling it as a movie rather than a book. That appealed to the “artist” in me.

My partner David Isaacs and I had just turned in a movie to Columbia and they loved it. (Not enough to make but still.) We were the “flavors of the month”. So we set up a pitch meeting with them first. The meeting lasted three minutes… and that was including the pleasantries. Here’s how it went:

Me: This is what we want to do – “GOOD MORNING VIET NAM meets BULL DURHAM”.

Them: "Sold!"

And that was it. Ten minutes later we’re in the Smokehouse restaurant toasting each other. And then something occurred to me. I asked the fatal question:

Me: "So, what exactly is the story?"

That was the end of the celebration. What WAS the story? We couldn’t do what really happened. My family moved to Syracuse, I broadcast the games, the team lost more games than they won, and the season ended. Not exactly riveting stuff.

We had to create a whole new scenario. First thing we did was make the writer single so we could concoct a love story. My wife said, “What?! I do all the work, raise two small kids in an unfamiliar city that’s either 100 degrees or pouring rain and I’m not even in the damn movie?!” She had a legitimate beef.

We had to create stakes for the writer, a plotline that was dramatic and funny, and dream up some theme so the movie was about something. I'd tell you what they were but they all changed twenty times. I don't even remember half of them.

Thus began a series of drafts, each different, each a bitch to write. I think we finally got it, but that was after years of dead ends. The writer/announcer saves baseball in the small town and provides it with an identity and hope. He learns lessons, matures as a person, and of course gets the girl.

Ultimately the movie was never made. By the time we solved it the regime that bought it was long gone. The regime that followed them was long gone.

But the moral is this: Always have the story FIRST. Without that you’re just wandering in the wilderness. And breaking the story is the hardest part so your natural inclination is to say, “let’s just sell it first and then deal with that”. Beware!!

Same is true if you’re writing a spec. More so actually because you don’t want to work your ass off for six months only to come to the sad realization once you’re institutionalized that you have nothing.

For us there's a happy ending. We learned our lesson and did not come in a few years later and pitch MY DINNER WITH ANDRE meets BARRY LYNDON.

Attention-Deficit-Blogging

Welcome to Attention-Deficit-Blogging – my random thoughts, rants, questions, and musings about nothing and everything.

Since when did LBJ mean LeBron James and not Lyndon Baines Johnson?

How come not one Supreme Court Justice got his/her degree from the “University of Honolulu School of Law” in Modesto, California?

Since practically all of them went to Harvard or Yale at some point, I often wonder how many Supreme Court Justices could also write for THE SIMPSONS?

Whenever I do a post criticizing an actress I always get blasted. Yet, the time I praised an actress (Patty Heaton) I got blasted worse. And I’m guessing that just by mentioning her name I’m going to get a raft of shit again.

My favorite recent HuffPost headline: Russell Brand: Why I Put A Barbie In My Rectum

Interleague play begins this week. Oh boy! Kansas City hosts Colorado!!!

What is the point of Facebook "pokes"? Who likes to be poked under any circumstances?

This is the last year I’m reviewing AMERICAN IDOL. There’s a sameness to it now. I feel like every single week I’m reviewing the same movie. And that movie is GROUNDHOG DAY. Plus, next year Simon will be gone so why even bother doing the show? I’m reminded of when Red Foxx and Demond Wilson left SANFORD & SONS and they renamed it THE SANFORD ARMS and some writer quipped, “NBC just renewed the set”.

Heidi Klum and Seal have renewed their wedding vows… for the SIXTH time. But this time they’re reasonably sure.

Speaking of great marriages, Larry King supposedly had a three-year affair with his wife’s sister while she had an affair with her kid’s baseball coach. But the good news is the kid can now throw.

Thanks to all of you who have wondered when my book about growing up in the 60s will be out. Hard to give an actual date because I don’t have a publisher and haven’t finished writing it yet. But I’m close. Well… close-ish. In all likelihood I will self-publish it… if the author doesn’t prove to be a giant pain in the ass.

Wow, the Matthew Broderick pilot must’ve really been a mess to not get on the air. Networks have been begging him to do a series for decades.

Why are people so upset that NBC cancelled LAW & ORDER? There are still twelve L&O offshoots including a new one (LAW & ORDER LOS ANGELES)? And the original L&O may move to TNT so there will still be new episodes made. This is like Starbucks closing a branch.

Another great thing about Twitter: when you accidentally give an incorrect fact (like I did last Sunday), people you don’t even know Re-Tweet the gaffe and spread the word to thousands of new people that you’re an idiot.

I’m usually not in favor of the death penalty but the BP CEO said the Gulf spill is “relatively tiny”. Boiling him in oil would be my execution of choice.

Who’s a bigger attention whore? Al Sharpton? Jesse Jackson? Gloria Allred?

So when you go to a fast food place that offers free refills on fountain drinks, why order any size other than 'small'?

Psychic James Van Praagh is all excited, going around claiming that he predicted Barbara Walters’ heart problem. He is absolutely ASTOUNDING! Who knew an 80 year-old woman could have health issues?

I’m very excited about the upcoming conclusion of LOST. Now we’ll finally know the truth. Did the writers really have a grand plan or was every story conference preceded with the words: “Okay, now what do we do?”

And if you think LOST is confusing just try to figure out the Yankees announcer rotation on the YES network.

Enjoying penis a little bit more...

Leave it to this local New Orleans news anchor to clarify things.

Me and computers

Okay, first of all, this is a re-post... from February 2006. I'm guessing you haven't read it. But it's one of my favorite rants so I'm sharing it again.

I admit it. When it comes to computers I’m a retard. Someone explains how to run a program, I nod, it all makes sense, then the minute he leaves I’m the guy from MEMENTO. I’m completely helpless over a skill that every 14 year old in America has mastered. And I can work a TIVO so I’m still ahead of most of my friends (you’d think those Masters degrees and Doctorates would account for something). But even if I knew the first thing about using Pro Tools or how to log onto a porn site without getting a raft of spam, I still contend computers are just too complicated.

Case in point: I switched internet providers this week. I’d been having terrible trouble with my DSL provider. In fairness, the culprit was really the phone company (You can call it Verizon now but it’s still General Telephone – the string-and-two-Dixie-cups of telecommunications). But my internet was down every two nights and finally I decided to switch to cable.

I know a lot of internet providers will provide you with a box of equipment and instructions. To me that’s like buying a car from Ikea. A big box arrives on your front lawn that says Toyota. So I of course opted for the installation package. It took this guy (a “trained” professional) two hours at which time he had managed to completely screw up every computer in the house, the router, and my microwave is now on the fritz. He threw up his hands and left, I had to call my computer guy (at “you need a loan” hourly prices), and it took him another two hours to fix things. And there’s still a problem with my email that he says can only be rectified if I upgrade my entire system (which would be a whole day, the cost of a year’s college tuition, and would probably wipe out my Tetris high score results). For a good part of the afternoon this guy (who really knows his shit), recalibrated, reconfigured, pulled down menus and pop up boxes I never knew existed, hooked things up from modems to bay stations to power outlets, typed in IP addresses, user names, passwords, codes, clicked yes and no to thousands of options, and still had to call tech support twice. When I asked if the tech support guys were helpful he said the second guy was. Jesus, even the tech support people don’t know what they’re doing.

There has to be a simpler way. They can invent ipods and blue tooth and instant messaging complete with video – there has to be a computer even I can use. In the meantime, there’s a guy with a perpetual runny nose, lazy eye, and thinning hair at 22, toting around Natalie Portman stills from STAR WARS – and I’m his bitch.

James Taylor & Carole King

I was on the fence as to whether to write a review of the recent James Taylor/Carole King concert at the Hollywood Bowl because I thought a lot of my readers might just see them as old geezers. But in light of the current mass hysteria for Betty White, Taylor and King are mere pups.

To love the concert as much as I did considering the ordeal to get there, really says something about how special the evening was.

First off, they sang their hits. I’ve read some reviews that knocked them for not presenting new material and not exploring the current themes we boomers are facing. Who wants that? I spent an hour standing on the 405 Freeway so I could sit under the stars and hear tunes about ageism, downsizing, and caring for parents? No. I want to hear “the Loco-Motion” and “Mexico”.

Yes, the evening was steeped in nostalgia but so what? The music was great then and it’s great now. Name me one Kara DioCuardi song that has the depth and haunting melody of “It’s Too Late” or “Fire & Rain”… or even “the Loco-Motion”.

James Taylor has an absolutely amazing voice. At one time he must’ve swallowed a Stradivarius. He sings as well today as he did thirty years ago. And everything is effortless.

I’ve always loved Carole King. Her vocals weren’t as good but that’s okay because a) the songs themselves were so good, b) the nostalgia factor, and c) who are we kidding? She was never a great singer. Unfortunately, that becomes all the more apparent singing duets with James Taylor.

It was a long show – 2 1/2 hours – but could have been 2 hours longer. They each have such large catalogs. There were favorites that they didn’t get to but maybe they’ll come back next year and do “He Hit Me/It Felt Like a Kiss” (written by Carole King).

The band and singers behind them were, as you’d expect, top of the line. It’s always fun to see Leland Sklar. The way I view the passing of the years is by how much his beard grows from appearance to appearance.

And still an added plus – James Taylor’s wry sense of humor.

If they come through your town treat yourself. The music, the memories – it’s all there. In fact, the only thing missing was the giant cloud of marijuana. Maybe we are getting old.

My comedy influences

Time for some more Friday questions. Leave yours in the comments section. Thanks.

From Sally creeping down the alley:

My Friday Question is about influences, when it comes to writing, who were you influenced by and when did you realize they influenced you?

I have always been interested in comedy. My initial influences were disc jockeys. Dick Whittington, Robert W. Morgan, Gary Owens, Lohman & Barkley, and the greatest of them all – Dan Ingram.

I loved THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW as a kid, both for the writing and the lifestyle Rob Petrie led. I thought, if you could get a girl like Laura Petrie by being a comedy writer then where do I sign up? That’s when I first started paying attention to credits. And it always seemed like the best, funniest episodes of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW were written by Garry Marshall & Jerry Belson so I became big fans even though I had no idea who they were at the time.

I began to read plays in high school and really admired George Kaufman & Moss Hart and Neil Simon. But the play that really knocked me out was A THOUSAND CLOWNS by Herb Gardner.

In 1969 I first saw TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN and was blown away. Woody Allen became my idol. I then devoured everything he wrote and did.

There was a real golden period of TV comedy in the early 70s and I became huge fans of Jim Brooks and the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW writers and Larry Gelbart who wrote MASH.

Other influences along the way: Bob & Ray, P. G. Wodehouse, Elayne Boosler, Monty Python, Laurel & Hardy, the Marx Brothers, Bob Crane, Richard Pryor, Billy Wilder, S. J. Perelman, Preston Sturgess, the National Lampoon, and MAD magazine.

unkystan wonders:

I haven't seen "Wings" in years and got season 1 from Netflix and saw the name Roz Doyle as producer (I never noticed that before) and made me wonder, other than using friends and family, how do writers come up with the 'perfect' character names?

Roz Doyle was the line producer on WINGS who unfortunately passed away. To honor her memory Casey, Lee & Angell used her name for a character in FRASIER.

Sometimes we would use names of buddies and old girlfriends. Radar’s love interest in “Goodbye Radar” was Patty Haven, a former flame of mine. The soldier whose eyes we saw through in the “Point of View” episode of MASH was Bobby Rich, a close radio friend. And the blind patient in the first MASH we ever wrote was Tom Straw, another close friend.

One year on MASH for all the patients and nurses and extraneous others we used the 1978 Dodger roster. You’ll find Rau and Hooten and Cey and Garvey, et al.

Most of the time I just look for interesting names. I have a file with lists of names and will refer to that from time to time. And every so often I’ll come across a name and write it down for further use. There really is an Evelyn Dorkaspig.

And finally, from Todd:

What are your feelings about "table writing" vs. having a single writer complete as much of the script as possible (I'm talking specifically about 1/2 hour comedy here)?

Just curious, with all your years of experience, where your philosophy ended up.

I prefer writers doing individual drafts. Table writing is joke writing. I want my staff to exercise more skills -- storytelling, and character development. Writers are much more invested in their work if they write the entire script.

I understand the time constraints and the need for room writing scripts but what you get are always good solid serviceable drafts. When an individual writer turns in a script there’s the chance for brilliance.

"There's a bus that's broken down on the 405" -- hey, wait, that's OURS!

The Hollywood Bowl has a nice offer. You can take buses to the bowl on concert nights. Mrs. L. and I had tickets for the James Taylor/Carole King concert last night. And before you say anything, we were still the youngest couple there. Hopped on a 5:00 bus in Westwood for a 7:30 show. Plenty of time to get there, leisurely buy dinner, enjoy a picnic under the stars.

Things were going fine until our bus broke down on the 405 Freeway during the height of rush hour. The driver managed to get us to the side of the road. Meanwhile, the Bowl buses behind us just roared by and the passengers waved. We wondered why our driver wasn't calling anybody. She forgot her phone. Forty people offered her theirs.

Since it was 100 degrees in the bus we all got out and waited on the freeway. Turns out it's really loud and smoggy on the 405 Freeway at 6:00. I passed the time by Tweeting. One lovely follower, EduHJencareli, said he'd pick us up if he wasn't 9000 miles away.

The irony of course is this was my one night off from Dodger baseball. And as part of the pre-game show on KABC I normally do two traffic reports.

Standing by the road, all I could think was this was LOST on a bus.

First a tow truck arrived and snapped into action. The driver put little plastic caution triangles behind the bus. The California Highway Patrol was Johnny-on-the-spot, pulling up a half hour after we were stranded. This would have made such a great episode of CHiPS.

Finally after an hour a replacement bus arrived and the Oceanic 40 continued its journey in stop-and-go traffic. We didn't get to the Bowl until 7:25 and 100 yards before the entrance the bus driver stopped. Someone was using the bathroom on the bus and apparently that's not allowed. (Why is it there then?) So we had to wait until the person came out. By now the passengers were mutinous. And the driver started screaming back at them.
Ten more minutes to get in the Bowl, negotiating through a crush of people, five minutes to buy dinner and the mandatory bottle of wine ($28 bucks and it comes in a big plastic cup), and five more minutes to find our seats. But we were there at last. And happily the concert didn't start yet. James Taylor must've read my Tweet.

It was a total nightmare but the concert itself turned out to be fabulous, and as you can see, we had front row seats.

When Carole King sang "So Far Away" I thought she was going to dedicate it to us.

The bus ride home was without incident... except our turnoff was closed for construction and we had to go three miles out of our way. But thanks to that second bottle/plastic cup of wine we didn't give a shit... about that or anything.

Teri Hatcher has a lifestyle advice website???

Good news for women! Teri Hatcher will show you how to live your life!

Who knows more about the trials and tribulations of daily living than an insulated spoiled actress who exists in a bubble of privilege? Who better to guide you through the rigors of motherhood, relationships, and financial hardships than a woman who never hears the word “no” from the moment she gets up in the morning till the moment she goes to sleep?

Teri Hatcher has begun her own lifestyle website, GetHatched – a Chick’s Guide to Life, and let me just say it’s about time! It’s Teri’s way to reach out and help all those women on the other side of her gated home. And this site is intended for all women so the advice is more far reaching. It’s not just how to terrorize a crew.

Here’s her mission statement:

"GetHatched is about finding your way to the ME part without getting lost along the way. My desire is to be able to reach women, lots of women, and supply just the right boost they might need on any given day."

Qualifications for this: none. But that doesn’t matter. She’s Teri Hatcher for Godsakes! She’s not just on a television show, she’s a series regular! She’s not just a housewife, she’s a DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE.

Here’s an example of her advice:

It's about embracing that as a woman, I'm not just defined by my form, if my breasts sag or if there is any cellulite on the back on my legs, if my knees and elbows have droopy skin or how many wrinkles I can find on my face... I work in an industry that seems to care a lot about all of this, and frankly makes lots of money off making everyone in the country care, too.

Inspiring words from someone so concerned with her appearance she once had an eating disorder.

Ms. Hatcher’s vital website provides a photo gallery to show you her world. You may think this is incredibly indulgent but it’s important to see photos of her shower, and what she looks like reading in bed.

And there are GREAT videos! In “In the House with Teri, Episode 1”, no less an authority than “actress and author Mariel Hemingway shares how small steps can spark big changes in your life.”

GetHatched is a MUST-read for any woman seeking life coaching from a narcissistic B-list celebrity. And when you’re through with that, hop over to Gwyneth Paltrow’s site to learn handy tips on how to give yourself an enema.

AMERICAN IDOL goes to the (bad) movies

It was movie night for the Top Four on AMERICAN IDOL. Okay, I didn’t expect them to sing the theme from HIGH NOON or GONE WITH THE WIND but FREE WILLY and CADDYSHACK?? Now I’m hurt they didn’t sing “Nothing’s Going to Stop Us Now”, the theme from MANNEQUIN 2.

One of the big problems with IDOL this year (one of many) is that they have begun to take themselves waaaaaaay too seriously. When you have a night saluting great music from 100 years of cinema how do you treat the theme from CADDYSHACK as anything other than a joke? And how many times last night was the word “artist” uttered? That’s next week’s drinking game, gang. You should be smashed by the first plug for the Idol tour or the compilation CD (so ten minutes in).

Jamie Fox was a fabulous mentor and the word is he’s auditioning for Simon’s spot. Same with last week’s mentor, Harry Connick Jr. (who, by the way, was funnier in one night than Ellen’s been all year).

And speaking of last week -- The judges of course complained that some of the contestants didn’t make their songs sound contemporary. The theme was Sinatra for Crissakes! And for the record, the worst Sinatra ever sounded was when he tried to sound contemporary. Check out his version of “Mrs. Robinson”. These are the actual lyrics he sang. I’m not making them up.

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
JILLY loves you more than you will know
Whoa, whoa, whoa

The PTA, Mrs. Robinson
Won't OK the way you do your thing
Ding, ding, ding

And you'll get yours, Mrs. Robinson
Foolin' with that young stuff like you do
Boo, hoo, hoo; woo, woo, woo

So how's your bird, Mrs. Robinson
"Dandy", Mrs. Robinson you'd say
Hey, hey, hey

But at least Sinatra knew what the song was about. Casey James performed it last night and might as well have been phonetically singing " “Al otro lado del río". When Randy and the judges equated Mrs. Robinson to Kara, Casey had no idea what they were talking about. Not only has he never seen THE GRADUATE; I bet he’s never even heard of it.

I so wish Katie Stevens was still in the competition so she could have sung the Oscar winner, “It's Hard out Here for a Pimp"

Big Mike sang some song I never heard of from FREE WILLY. But it was spiritual and he had a big chorus behind him so I’m guessing it’s the song they played when the little boy took the killer whale to church.

Lee DeWyze did the Seal tune, “Kissed by a Rose”. He’s not going to win Heidi Klum with that version. Hell, he’s not going to win Granny Klump with that version.

And Crystal Bowersox found all the colors and shadings in the theme from CADDYSHACK. She sang “I’m All Right”, which if you recall the movie, was sung by the gopher.

To fill out the rest of the hour, the contestants were paired off for two duets. These were better than the solo songs but that’s like saying Spam is better than chopped pork shoulder, sodium nitrite, gelatinous glaze, or any of its other individual ingredients.

Casey and Big Mike (who will reunite tonight as the bottom two) did “Have You Ever Loved a Woman?” and were complimented for their guitar work. And the best number of the night was Crystal and Lee doing “Falling Slowly” from ONCE. The only problem was that Crystal clearly wiped the floor with Lee. It was like Meryl Streep doing a scene with Keanu Reeves.

Fashion note to Crystal: Backless gowns were made for girls who have giant tattoos on their back. Why just see parts of it sticking out in six places?

Anyway, that’s what this blogger… I mean “internet artist” thinks. What about you?

The world's greatest morning show guest

Meet yo yo "master", Kenny "K-Strass" Strasser. You won't believe this guy. I used to play with a yo yo all the time in the writers room. I could do a few tricks but nothing like this "master".

By the way, I will be reviewing tonight's AMERICAN IDOL. It will appear tomorrow morning. In the meantime, prepare yourself for excitement compliments of K-Strass.

A look at this year's comedy pilots

It’s pilot season, which is like duck hunting season except not as humane. The networks are putting together their fall schedules and all the pilots they developed and shot are being tested, considered, and re-tooled. It’s far from a perfect system but no one’s come up with a better one. A few years ago Jeff Zucker, the “visionary” who turned NBC into the number four network from the number one network, decided to just do away with pilot season. The result: NBC had no new hit shows that year and the practice was reinstated. How this man keeps his job I have no fucking idea.

The word is this may be the year that comedy makes its big comeback. The networks are reportedly very high on a lot of their comedy contenders.

NBC just picked up a pilot called OUTSOURCED about an American company that outsources a lot of jobs to India. I can't imagine they will ever top the joke in Albert Brook's FINDING COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD when they go to a call center in India and one of the operators says, "Good morning, the White House". But at least it's different.

Chuck Lorre has a pilot for CBS about a fat couple. All the Norm jokes we couldn't use on CHEERS because they were insensitive and offensive will probably find their way into this show by episode three. But at least it's not PC.

Otherwise it seems like most everything else is a version of MODERN FAMILY (large dysfunctional inter-connected family units) or HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (various combinations of young people going out in the world trying to hook up with other young people going out in the world). Here are just a few examples of the HIMYM theme:

CBS – True Love: Minka Kelly and Ashley Austin Morris star in this comedy about four friends from New York. Multi-Camera.

FOX – Traffic Light: Israeli theme dealing with three men in love. Single Camera.

NBC – Friends with Benefits: Five friends look for their perfect partner in this rom-comedy though until they find that special someone they decide to settle for friendship with benefits.

NBC – Perfect Couples: Rom-com following three couples in various relationship stages. Single camera.

You get the idea.

I have not read any of this year’s pilots. I used to. I would ask my agent and two hours later a big Xerox box would arrive with fifty scripts. Now agencies just email files or distribute thumb drives that contain them all. I stopped requesting them because it was too depressing.

But a show that might appear really pedestrian could be fresh and original and inspired if the right people are behind it. There may be some hidden treasures here; I haven't read 'em or seen 'em so I don't know.

A word about pilot premises: networks always claim they’re at the mercy of the ideas that writers bring to them. That’s not true. They decide which writers to see and they determine at the outset what themes they’re looking for. Networks meet with major literary agencies before pilot season and relate their needs. That info gets passed along to clients and result is two hundred writers essentially bringing in the same pitch.

A few years ago LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE was a surprise hit at the boxoffice. That pilot season there were fifteen bastardized versions of LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – large dysfunctional family with wacky grandfather/grandmother/uncle/second cousin.

We once had a pilot for Fox that was very upscale urban. They ultimately passed, saying it was “too NBC”. One of the development people moved over to NBC and brought us in to develop it there. At the time her marching orders were slick sophisticated multi-camera shows that harkened back to NBC’s “Must See TV” glory years. We did a rewrite of the script, they loved loved loved it, and then MY NAME IS EARL premiered and was a hit. Suddenly the word came from on high – no urban multi-camera comedies. Only rural single-camera comedies. Our project was dead.

So needs can change right in the middle of the game.

Which shows will get picked up? Who knows? It changes from hour to hour. A pilot that has heat one day is dead the next. A show no one liked tested through the roof and is on the schedule. However, if I had to guess based purely on the buzz I'm hearing I’d say these two pilots get ordered: BEACH LANE and MR. SUNSHINE. One stars Matthew Broderick, the other stars Matthew Perry.

Oh, that’s the other theme this year: stars named Matthew.

The truth about Lady Gaga

When Andy Kaufman died so young there were many who believed it was all a hoax. This was just the sort of absurd thing he would do. Andy was labeled a “comedian” but what he really was was a “performance artist”. The idea wasn’t to make you laugh, it was to make him laugh at you for buying into his elaborate ruses. He would assume bizarre characters and amuse himself watching the reaction he received from the gullible public. One such character was Tony Clifton, a belligerent sleazeball lounge singer. Clifton would come on and insult the audience for forty-five minutes. At first they thought it was a bit but eventually they got pissed. To Andy this was high hilarity.

Andy later turned to professional wrestling and began wrestling women on stage. Everything he did was weird and theatrical. You never knew, was he real or a put-on? All during his years starring on the hit sitcom TAXI he bussed tables on Wednesday nights at Jerry’s Deli in the Valley.

So it comes as no surprise that when he died of cancer at age 35, many people believed this too was just another sick stunt.

Well, it turns out they were right. After laying low for many years Andy Kaufman has returned. And he is once again back in the spotlight. He has created his most genius character ever. Andy now goes by the name – Lady Gaga.

But the act is the same. Dressing in absurd costumes, prancing around the stage with the grace of a Clydesdale, and singing songs that make utterly no sense, Andy is having the last laugh on the world.

Because people are buying it! People actually think Lady Gaga is a great artist. How hard it must have been for him to keep a straight face last week when he/she appeared on AMERICAN IDOL. Andy came out dressed in a bikini with netting, a ridiculous blond wig, raccoon eye makeup, and black veil. He/she was joined by shirtless Chippendales type dancers as they clomped their way through a non-melodious song of sheer drivel while fog swirled at their feet.

And the audience loved it! Bravo, Mr. Kaufman! You have successfully duped an entire generation. Lady Gaga is your masterpiece.

At some point someone is going to figure it out. Someone is going to realize, “Hey, this is bullshit!” But that could be years from now… after you’ve sold three billion CD’s and have become the governor of California. So in the meantime, enjoy it, Andy. Keep wearing Cher’s hand-me-downs, keep writing and singing songs that are complete nonsense, and for Godsakes, keep those fog machines pumping,

I knew it was you, Andy. Last Wednesday night I was in Jerry’s Deli and the woman who collected my dirty plates had a platinum wig, black hat, bejeweled Phantom of the Opera mask, a crow under her chin, and a black feathered gown. Welcome back. We missed you.

Happy Mama's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

Happy Mother's Day to Debby (amazing mother of my kids) and all the mothers out there in blogland.

All hit songs have the same four chords

Thanks to Great Big Radio for turning me onto this. The Axis of Awesome is an Australian comedy group. They contend that every pop hit uses the same four chords... and they pretty much prove it.

More Moe

For everyone who read Friday’s post about driving Moe Howard and wanted to hear more, here’s more.

I wish it had been more memorable. I wish he had poked me the eyes while driving or threatened to “murderize” me. But he just acted…. Normal. He sprinkled in a few Yiddish words in the conversation. I have no memory of him ever saying “farklempt” in any of his films.

A couple of fleeting impressions that stayed with me:

I picked him up at an old duplex around Olympic and La Cienaga (if you have any idea where that is). It was a modest, primarily Jewish neighborhood in mid-town. He was living with his daughter. Or maybe he was just visiting his daughter but I definitely didn’t pick him up at a house. I was a little surprised. If anyone deserved to live in a giant Beverly Hills mansion it was a Stooge.

I also remember that he didn’t complain about being chauffeured in a three-year-old economy car. This was not the case with Zsa Zsa Gabor. “You’ve got to be kidding, darling!” was I believe what she said.

The only two things I can recall from our actual en route conversation:

1) Television made them more popular than they ever had been. When their shorts starting airing on TV in the late 50s they became a national sensation. That never happened during their heyday. Probably because the bulk of their work was in ten-minute shorts and not full-length features but they never received the acclaim and respect that say Abbott & Costello and the Marx Brothers enjoyed. I got the feeling he really relished the long-overdue appreciation.

2) Curly was a real ladies man. And he was always my favorite Stooge before!

Last thing I remember. His hair was grey by then and he wore it combed back. But just before he was to go on camera he combed it forward and there was that familiar bowl-cut.

It was nice to read all of your comments and see that others who have met him also found him to be lovely and gracious. I got the sense he really cherished the love he got back from the young fans of my generation and that thrilled me because for all the joy and laughter he brought us, it was the least we could do.

"Harry the Hat" on CHEERS

Here are your Friday questions and answers and a note: For all those of you who asked me to go into more detail on my Moe encounter, I'm writing that now and will post it tonight.

Brian wonders:

Did you write any episodes with "Harry The Hat"? I'm reading his book "Games you can't loose", and the first one in his book is the one he pulled on Cliff - "I bet I can drink this drink without touching the hat".

“Harry the Hat” was the flim-flam character who popped up from time to time on CHEERS played by Harry Anderson (pre NIGHTCOURT and DAVE’S WORLD). Yes, David Isaacs and I wrote two – one in the first year and one in the last.

He appears in the teaser of “Boys in the Bar” from season one (the one where the bar regulars fear Cheers is about to go gay), and in the final Bar Wars (we wrote all of the Bar Wars episodes -- we're sick individuals) Harry helps the guys in the ultimate one-upsmanship of Gary’s Old Towne Tavern.

Harry really is a magician. We used him six or seven times in the first season and a lot of the scams were suggested by Harry himself. I would not play cards with this man. I would not give change to this man.

Matt Patton asks:

How much input, if any, would the writer of a show have on the casting of a role? I'm not necessarily thinking of the one of the main characters, just a guest role. Would a staff writer have enough pull to at least suggest an actor they like for a role, or is that entirely in the hands of the show-runner or network executives?

It always varies from show to show but most of the time casting suggestions are very welcomed by the writer. Or, for that matter, anyone on staff. The names can't be worse than the network casting suggestions. They once recommended an actor for a role who was dead.

But we used to kick names around in the room all the time. There's also a phone-book-size "Actor's Directory" that gives you names and pictures of just about everyone out there. We spend hours combing through that book.

Writers will sometime imagine certain actors or types as he writes a character. Knowing what was in his head can be very helpful.

On some dramas the writer of an episode essentially produces it. He casts the guest roles, supervises filming, and post production. Do try to get on one of those shows.

Anonymous has a question, which is ironic considering it’s about identity.

When hiring for new shows - how does the producer know that a "Written by" in resumes doesn't mean "Pizza-runner" or "slept with a producer" ?

Very simple. You read samples of his work and they MUST BE first drafts. If I receive a submission and it’s a shooting script I just toss it. I need to see the writer’s work BEFORE the staff gets a hold of it. And even then it’s hard to tell because the staff probably helped break the story and along the way pitched some good jokes that found their way into the writer’s original draft.

The plus side of the writer in question being on someone’s staff is you can snoop around and get feedback on how well he’s liked, how much he contributed, did he chew with his mouth open, etc.

If the writer is on staff of a show like BIG BANG THEORY that I know is room written then I want to see something original, not from the show.

By the way, if I do receive a shooting script as a submission I blame the agent, not the writer. The agent should know better. Often times the writer doesn’t know exactly what script has been submitted to whom on his behalf.

What is your question?

Driving Moe Howard

Here's another excerpt from the book I'm writing on growing up in the 60s. It's the spring 1969 and I'm a student at UCLA.

FRIDAY MORNING UPDATE: For all those of you who asked me to go into more detail on my Moe encounter, I'm writing that now and will post it tonight.

Taking Italian “Pass/Fail” allowed me to barely pass and satisfy the language requirement. But I still speak it worse than the waiters at the Olive Garden. I was not enjoying Psychology (who wants to take “Statistics” class – give me a number within a 2% margin of error?) So I thought I’d transfer into the Television/Film department. They told me I needed to submit a film or television show that I had made. I said, “Uh, isn’t that what I’m supposed to have AFTER I graduate and after you’ve taught me how to do that?

Transfer request denied.

Still, I just took a lot of television and film courses anyway. I did not take any screenwriting courses however. Stu Ohman, one of the disc jockeys at KLA had his heart set on becoming a sitcom writer. He took a course and got an A+ for a THAT GIRL script he wrote. I read it and thought it was a piece of shit. If that’s what they were teaching I wanted no part of it. Stu wound up an accountant.

There was an extra-curricular TV talk show that aired closed-circuit in the dorms. I volunteered to be a gofer. I’d like to say I gravitated towards television because I wanted to expand my horizons but the truth is the assistant director was the heiress of a major national furniture chain and I had a big crush. I so wanted to sleep with her and get a discount on a new dinette set. Alas, "the store was closed" on both accounts.

One of my assignments was to pick up the guests if they didn’t want to drive. Zsa Zsa Gabor and the the guy who wrote THE PETER PRINCIPLE (I think his name might have been Peter) were two of the celebs I chauffeured. But then one day – the thrill of my life – I got to pick up Moe Howard. Holy shit! An actual Stooge was in MY yellow Mustang!! Sitting in the same seat Rachel did when she first… well, never mind. But this was better. Moe Howard. Eye-gouging, head-knocking, ear-twisting, face-slapping Moe Howard. He couldn’t have been nicer. Or more Jewish.

In addition to Italian, I also passed my other classes. Not only don’t I remember what I learned. I don’t even remember what those classes were. Anyway, I was counting the days until summer.

Ernie Harwell

Here’s how valued Ernie Harwell was.

Ernie was the long-time voice of the Detroit Tigers. He passed away yesterday way too young at 92. But in 1948 he was broadcasting for the Atlanta Crackers minor league team. Red Barber, the announcer for the Brooklyn Dodgers took sick and the Dodgers needed a replacement. They had heard good things about Ernie so they called the Crackers to see if they might release their announcer. The Crackers said okay but they had a need too. A catcher. So for the first and only time in history, an announcer was traded for a player. Cliff Dapper went to Atlanta and Ernie Harwell traveled north to Brooklyn.

And he stayed in the big leagues – for nearly 60 years. From 1960 on he was the beloved voice of the Detroit "Ti-guhs" (as he called them in his rich baritone twang).

Here’s all you need to know about Ernie. I first met him in 1989. I had just completed a season of calling minor league baseball and had arranged with the Angels to use an open booth to record a demo tape. They were playing the Tigers that night and I met Ernie. He thought my story was interesting and asked if I would be his guest on the pre-game show. Are you kidding? It was an HONOR. The gift for appearing was a pair of shoes from some local Detroit shoe store. I told Ernie I didn’t plan to be in Detroit anytime soon so he was welcome to give the gift certificate to someone who could use it.

Four innings into the game he finds me in my booth and wants to know my address and shoe size. Two weeks later a pair of shoes arrived. That was Ernie. With all that was going on around him, he was concerned about me getting shoes.

Ernie was a true Southern Gentleman. And one of the nicest men I’ve ever met. I cherish the fact that he and I have always stayed in touch. I’m going to greatly miss trading emails with bbpeach.

I once asked Ernie if he saved his old scorecards. Among the many milestones he’s seen and called was Bobby Thomson’s “shot heard round the world” in 1951 (he did the game for NBC TV). Ernie said that yes, he’s kept them all – from his years with the Dodgers, Giants, Orioles, and Tigers. I don’t know where they are but what a treasure – pretty much the history of baseball for the last seven decades.

Ernie was once asked the difference between announcing baseball on TV and radio. He said, “On TV I provide captions for pictures. On radio nothing happens until I say it happens.” What he neglected to mention was that his elegance and love of the game elevated what happened from just baseball to warm summer nights with your dad, weekend cookouts, and the best of America.

Farewell dear friend. Thanks again for the shoes. I wish I could have walked a mile in yours.

My answers, AMERICAN IDOL, Shania Twain, Gilligan -- all kinds of stuff today

Tying up some loose ends:

I haven’t been reviewing AMERICAN IDOL lately because (a) I’ve been covering Dodger games at night and don’t get home until after midnight, and (b) the show is less fun when there are just a few contestants. But I’ll still recap one or two before the season is over. I’m curious to see how they do this week singing Sinatra. Hopefully one of the 18 year olds will sing “My Way” or “It Was a Very Good Year”.

By the way, last week – Shania Twain songs? THAT was the theme? I finally watched the show and didn’t recognize 80% of those songs. It’s one thing to sing the Beatles or Elvis but the Shania Twain catalog? What’s next? The many hits of A-ha?

I was disappointed but not surprised that Siobhan was eliminated. Americans don’t like “weird”. Same problem Adam Lambert had last year. They like to vote for the wholesome youngsters that most reflect their beliefs (and then behind doors engage in sick shit David Lynch couldn’t imagine).

Thanks to all who participated in the “Who, What, or Which” game. Less than 100 is certainly a small sample size but a few preferences became very clear.

I was tickled that most of you preferred Shelley Long over Kirstie Alley on CHEERS. I love Kirstie and thought she was very funny but Shelley is one of the great comediennes of television. The subtlety and depth she brought to Diane was extraordinary. And here’s what people miss: without the absolute right actress that character is insufferable. Shelley made you love her instead of wanting to kill her.

I was a little surprised that NEWHART was preferred over THE BOB NEWHART SHOW by so many. Could be an age thing but I prefer the original BOB NEWHART SHOW. Much better chemistry between Bob and Emily than Bob and Joanna. Although I will say this, Julia Duffy on NEWHART always made me laugh.

Glad to see the hate for Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin. Glad to see the love for Sean Connery and Jigsaw.

The rest of my answers:

Bob Denver (John’s songs will fade into the mist of time but GILLIGAN will still be shown after the next Ice Age.)

I haven’t seen enough of BREAKING BAD but I’m still enthralled with MAD MEN (although I really started to hate Betty last season).

I loathe everything about the Dallas Cowboys, starting with their owner.

I still can’t tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. Of course I also can’t tell the difference between Shasta Cola and Shasta Orange.

Sammy over Kenny.

Carrie over Eddie (as long as there’s STAR WARS and Mental Health treatments Carrie will live on.)

Mac all the way. Even I know how to use one.

Real friends vs. Facebook friends. Real friends don’t invite me to join a thousand causes and attend two thousand stupid events every friggin’ day.

Thanks again. I love finding ways of involving you guys in this blog. I would say this is “your” blog but actually it’s not. It’s still mine.

Coming Wednesday morning: my thoughts on the passing of Ernie Harwell.

April in New York

From the Queen's City to Queens, this is part 2 of my recent road trip with the Dodgers. Part one was yesterday.

We dropped two of three to the struggling Nationals and headed for Gotham. Instead of flying, the Dodgers chartered a train. That way we didn’t have to stop in Trenton. I love train travel. It’s great fun to look out the window (with my one good eye) and see places I’ve never seen before. Who knew there were so many smoke stacks in Wilmington, Delaware? Or that the landfill was so close to Newark? I would not classify any of the towns we passed through as “inland San Franciscos”.

Stayed at the very swank New York Palace, formerly the Helmsley Palace. The place has lost something without infamous owner Leona Helmsley (the Queen of Mean) screaming and belittling employees (a practice I assume she continued in Federal Prison while serving time for income tax evasion. “Why aren’t there fresh flowers in this exercise yard?!” “You call that a rape?!”)

But the Palace was a bit snooty. I asked the concierge if there were any nearby coffee shops. “Coffeeeee Shopsssss?” he sneered. You’d think I had said, “Hey, are there any titty bars near here where I could get a blowjob?” He told me there was a “Beeeestro” about a block away that served fifty-dollar whores. He actually said “sandweeeecheees” but I know what he meant.

The rain we had been ducking in Cincinnati and DC caught up with us in New York. Monday night’s game with the Mets was washed out and we played a doubleheader on Tuesday night. Oh was that fun! Seven hours of baseball in 37 degree weather with 40 mile gusts and we lost both games. But if you can believe the New York Times, this was still preferable to sitting through the new revival of PROMISES PROMISES.

Denzel Washington is currently on Broadway starring in FENCES. Women are flocking. He could be staring in FECES and they’d still pack the theater every night.

Best hamburger in New York is at CitiField. Join the others in line at the Shake Shack.

I think I saw Jack Bauer chasing a terrorist down Third Avenue carrying a dirty bomb in a Bloomingdale’s bag.

Yankee Stadium, the REAL Yankee Stadium, is now just a pile of rubble. Who needs tradition and cherished memories when you can have luxury suites?

Did not make it to Carnegie Deli so added three months to my life.

The final game of the road trip was held in a typhoon and the Mets won that one too. There were so many hot dog wrappers blown onto the field you’d think it was a ticker tape parade down Fifth Avenue for Gandhi. The Dodgers staggered back home after going 2-7. Was it the pitching? Hitting? Poor defense? Manager Joe Torre had another explanation. He turned to me on the plane and said, “YOU!” I have a feeling my next Dodger trip will be to Cambodia.

Still, I had fun, and win or lose the Dodgers are the classiest organization in baseball. Thanks to them and KABC for letting me tag along even if I personally ruined things for everybody else.

“Put Pete in the Hall”.

April in Cincinnati and Washington...

Back from a road trip with the Dodgers that took us to Cincinnati, Washington D.C., and New York. As always, I file a hopefully amusing travelogue. Cincy and DC today and NY tomorrow.

I’m still nursing a swollen cornea so had to bring along seven different eye drops. One had to always be refrigerated so I was forever schepping a travel mug filled with ice and scrambling to find refrigerators in planes and hotels and clubhouses. I felt like Niles Crane and the sack of flour.

Delta’s in-flight magazine a couple of years ago did a puff piece on Cincinnati saying it was “much like an inland San Francisco”. You’d think the locals would be extremely flattered. No. They were incensed! Why? They thought the magazine was calling them all gay. I hate to tell them but Cincinnati is known as “The Queen City”.

It’s also the home of Proctor & Gamble. (I wonder if they make Secret deodorant in the same factory as Pringles.) Just as you wouldn’t drive a foreign car in Detroit, you better not show up at a Laundromat with a box of Rinso. They’ll kill you, wrap you in Bounty, and douse you with Old Spice.

In my hotel there were two nozzles in the shower. The Westin must really cater to that burgeoning Siamese twins crowd.

There’s no greater Graeter’s ice cream than blueberry chocolate chip.

“The Great American Smallpark” was the scene of three “Titanic struggles” as Reds’ Hall-of-Fame announcer Marty Brennaman would say.

Interesting that there’s a “Pete Rose Way” leading into the ballpark and yet Pete Rose himself is still banned from baseball. I guess it’s the same principle as the Richard Nixon library.

The Cincinnati greeting, instead of hello is “Put Pete in the Hall”. Same with “goodbye”, “I love you”, and “This is 911.”

Pete was at one of our games. Am I the only one who finds it ironic that one of the Reds’ radio sponsors is a casino?

WLW just isn’t the same without Gary Burbank. Even his BBQ restaurant closed. One time a food reviewer criticized his landscaping. And that actually kept people away.

Skyline Chili is to chili what Kate Gosselin is to dancing.

We dropped two out of three to the lowly Reds and flew on to Washington D.C. after Thursday night’s tilt. (Tower: “You’re clear for takeoff Delta Dodger.” Pilot: “Roger that. Goodnight.” Tower: “Put Pete in the hall. Over.”)

Stayed at the Ritz-Carlton Pentagon City. What a gorgeous elegant hotel. If I were a high level Defense Department official this is definitely where I’d have my nooners.

So much to see in Washington – the monuments, Gennifer Flower’s apartment, Capitol Hill, Paula Jones apartment, the White House, Monica Lewinsky’s apartment, the Smithsonian, the DC Madam’s place, the Mint, Elizabeth Ray’s apartment, Arlington Cemetery, Donna Rice’s apartment, the Watergate hotel. Unfortunately I saw none of those. By the time we got to the hotel it was after 3. So I slept. I really wanted to take an hour and wander through the entire Smithsonian but woke up too late. It would be weird to see the set from MASH in a museum. I’m sure I would feel a great deal of pride and 150 years old.

The team was given a private showing at the Tourneau watch store in the adjacent mall. Four years ago these players were buying their jewelry from the back of station wagons. There was one Rolex I liked. It cost $30,000. True story: I asked the salesman why it was so much and he said it also featured the day and date. I’ll stick with my $4 gift watch from AfterMASH.

The Nationals play in a gleaming new ballpark. A VAST improvement over RFK stadium, which was the world’s largest spittoon. Coincidentally, Nats Park had stadium seating. The press box was high. Like above the timber line. But looking beyond leftfield you can could see the Capitol building. If our booth were just a few inches higher we could see the North Pole.

At the park’s entrance are statues of Walter Johnson, Josh Gibson, and Frank Howard – three former Washington area ballplayers who went on to become U.S. presidents.

My daughter Annie is right. The “W” logo on the Washington cap is the same as Walgreen’s.

Instead of dot races or giant sausage races, Nationals Park has a presidential race where a goofy oversized Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Teddy Roosevelt waddle and gasp around the warning track. Teddy has never won. Rigging a presidential race – now that’s a Washington tradition.

One big negative: The fans sing “Sweet Caroline” thus completely ripping off the Boston Red Sox, although if Karl Rove were still in town I’m sure he’d claim that the Nationals had it first (even though Boston was doing it before there even was a franchise in Washington).

Celebrity sighting: George Will in the Dodgers clubhouse. I don’t think a single player knew who he was.

Tomorrow: the train ride to Manhattan and the Dodger train wreck in Manhattan.

The "Who, What, or Which" game (that I just made up)

I did this originally as a Tweet but thought it might expand into a fun readership-participation post. This is the kind of crap you'll get if you follow me on Twitter. You don't have to answer them all.

Who, what or which?

Who is more famous? John Denver or Bob Denver

Who was better on CHEERS? Shelley Long or Kirstie Alley?

Which show was better? THE BOB NEWHART SHOW or NEWHART?

What show is better? MAD MEN or BREAKING BAD?

Who do you love to hate more? Simon Cowell or Ann Coulter?

What’s the most hated team in America? The New York Yankees or the Dallas Cowboys?

What’s better? Coke or Pepsi?

Who’s the best Jr.? Ken Griffey or Sammy Davis?

Who would get rustier going through a carwash? Robocop or a Transformer?

Who is more famous? Carrie Fisher or Eddie Fisher?

Who’s more famous? Sweet Caroline or Caroline Kennedy?

What’s worse? Brussels sprouts or cauliflower?

Who’s better? Sean Connery or Daniel Craig?

Which is better? Mac or PC?

Who’s scarier? Jason or Jigsaw?

Who’s scarier? Faye Dunaway or Sarah Palin?

Who has the better cereal name? Coco Crisp or Sugar Bear Flyod Rayford?

Who’s more annoying? The Progressive Insurance Girl or the Geico lizard?

Who’s a better hitter? Alfonzo Soriano or Carlos Zambrano?

Who’s funnier? Jon Stewart of Conan O’Brien?

Who has the best lousy pizza? Dominos or Pizza Hut?

Who is more famous? Marilu Henner or Mary Lou Retton?

Which is better? Facebook or actually having friends?

Thanks in advance.

First of May -- Jonathan Coulton

I can't think of a better way of welcoming in the spring. You'll be forwarding this I can almost guarantee. Thanks to my daughter Annie for alerting me to this joyous song.