Checking in on THE SNOBS

Self serving program note: I will be broadcasting tonight's Seattle Mariners game on both radio (KOMO Seattle, XM, and MLB.com) and on television (FSN Northwest). I will do this without the benefit of Eric Brynes and his dog in a kayak outside the stadium in the bay. Wish me luck.

Thanks for the very positive reaction to the scene from our pilot, THE SNOBS that I shared recently. Here’s that post in case you missed or purposely skipped it. So I’m posting more.

Quick refresher: THE SNOBS was a pilot we did a few years ago for Fox. It starred Paget Brewster about a family of snobs that lived in very modest surroundings. Karl is a professor at a community college dying to get hired by Stanford. His very prim wife, Beverly (Paget) is the admissions director of an exclusive private school. In the pilot, Karl has invited over Dr. Shapiro, the dean of history at Stanford (and his ticket out). This is Karl’s chance to impress.

At the same time Karl’s bastard teenage son (the result of a one night fling with a stripper in New Orleans) arrives. Karl ushers him into the kitchen as we pick up the scene:

INT. LIVING ROOM

DR. SHAPIRO
Karl, I have a question. Your curriculum vitae stated only two children.

KARL
Yes, that’s true. Clay is not my child with Beverly.

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh, I see. You were married before.

KARL
Uh no, I wasn’t.

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh… So you had a child out of wedlock?

KARL
(FLUSTERED) Well… no. Of course not. He’s really Beverly’s.

DR. SHAPIRO
(TO BEVERLY) Oh, the boy is your son?

BEVERLY
Uh, yes. Before Karl and I were married, I was involved elsewhere and had Clay. He’s lived with his real dad all these years.

KARL
His father was a senator.

BEVERLY
Now, Karl, don’t brag. Could I see you in the kitchen?

RESET TO:

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

KARL AND BEVERLY ENTER. CLAY IS AT THE TABLE EATING.

BEVERLY
Karl, are you daft?!

SHE SEES CLAY.

BEVERLY
Excuse me can we have a little privacy here for a moment?

CLAY
Oh, sure. By the way, beautiful kitchen. Is somebody in this house gay?

KARL
Why does everyone think that? Just because a man has a flair for the finer things in life, doesn’t automatically make him gay.

CLAY
Oh, this is waaaay more than a flair.

CLAY EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM.

BEVERLY
My God, Karl, what were you thinking? He’s my son?!

CLAY
You heard Shapiro’s tone. I couldn’t admit that Clay was my illegitimate son. How does that look? What does that say about my character?

BEVERLY
What does it say about mine?! I’m the mother who abandoned him!

KARL
Ooooh, wasn’t thinking. Bev, this is Stanford! This is position. This is money. All the things we say we have? We’ll actually have!

BEVERLY
(DISGUSTED) Karl, there are some things money can’t buy. Like someone’s dignity.

KARL
How about a BMW?

BEVERLY
I want the Z-4.

KARL
Done.

THEY BOTH EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

RESET TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

CLAY HAS MADE HIMSELF AT HOME ON THE COUCH WITH THE SHAPIROS AS KARL AND BEVERLY ENTER. THEY HEAR:

CLAY
Oh yeah, my mom used to be a stripper.

THE SHAPIROS LOOK TO BEVERLY.

BEVERLY
Oh God. (SOTTO, TO KARL) Now I’m a stripper?

More tomorrow.

Laughs per minute

Lots of interesting debate on last weekend’s post about laugh tracks (or more accurately, the lack of same). But I want to delve into a deeper aspect – how often are jokes necessary in a multi-camera sitcom? This speaks to the tone you set. As a showrunner are you looking for two laughs a minute or seven? Do they need to be big laughs or a steady stream of smaller laughs? It makes a big difference in the type of jokes you employ and the overall rhythm of the show.

On BIG BANG THEORY they go for LOTS of jokes. Almost every line has a joke or humorous turn. That’s one of the reasons the laugh track sounds more intrusive on that show – a studio audience can’t laugh at every single sentence.

A writer I know who worked on THE NEW ODD COUPLE for CBS said the network’s constant note was “more jokes, more jokes!” Maybe using the successful template of BIG BANG THEORY, or maybe just fear, but they believed if there wasn’t a laugh every few seconds the viewers would flee en masse.

Now you might say, what’s wrong with a laugh every few seconds? Nothing if you can do it. But that’s like saying “what’s wrong with hitting a home run every at-bat?” What often happens is that many of the jokes are forced or unfunny or both. It’s not natural for people to talk in punchlines. Especially if there’s nothing particularly comic going on. Two people are sitting at the kitchen table talking offers way less comic possibilities than two people with claustrophobia trapped in an elevator. And yet, if the same amount of jokes is required that kitchen scene is a holy bitch to write.

Here’s a dirty little secret: Shows with fewer jokes can be funnier than shows with more jokes.

It’s not the quantity; it’s the quality. Having a scene with three big genuine laughs is better than one with twenty zingers, even if a few of the zingers score.

On CHEERS and FRASIER and the shows I created, we were never afraid to go even an entire page without a joke if it meant setting the audience up for a big payoff. The risk of course is that the payoff better pay off, but the reward is so much greater. That’s when you get a real laugh from the audience. It also makes the show feel less stylized, less exhausting, and less desperate.

But I can tell you from experience, it’s hard when you’re watching a runthrough and thirty seconds go by without a laugh to resist the impulse to just pump in a few more jokes. The key is to remember the big picture. Does the episode have a good comic premise? Are the jokes you do have good enough? Is there a funnier way to tell the story?

Now some may say this creates sitcoms that are slow, and that today’s style is machine gun-fast. Maybe. But I would ask you to watch episodes from the first season of CHEERS. See how many jokes still evoke outright laughter thirty-five years after the shows were produced.

Also, laughs come not only from funny lines but from attitudes and pauses and reactions.

On my podcast right now is a reading of a failed pilot David Isaacs and I did for Fox in 2003. (You can hear it by just clicking the big gold button underneath the masthead.) We put a group of actors together on a stage, invited a small audience of about fifty, and recorded the results. So what you’re hearing is the actual laughter. There’s no laugh track, there’s no sweetening. As a result some lines and moments got better laughs than others. And that’s as it should be. There are lines in there that are cute asides and little zingers. They don’t get giant laughs. They aren’t meant to. There are other moments that depend on seeing the show on its feet and since we didn’t have that visual capability those laughs (costume jokes, reactions, throwing a cat out the window) aren’t as big as they would have been. So be it.

And happily, there are still a lot of real laughs in the reading and that tells me they were earned. See what you think?

What I didn’t include in the podcast was this: Earlier in the day I had a runthrough and recorded it just for protection. The cast did a terrific job. But the energy level in the room with a live audience added a real sparkle to the nighttime performance. It even got laughs we didn’t expect. Forget the number of jokes, that’s when you know you’re on to something.

In the cast photo of the SNOBS reading (from left to right): Harry Murphy, Bernadette Birkett, Oliver Muirhead, Mark Elliott, Dane Oliver, Suzanne Mayes, Jack Zullo, Barbara Howard. 

Fall Movie Preview, Part I

The summer blockbusters have all come and gone. Eddie Murphy and Kevin Costner have destroyed their careers. Batman, Iron Man, and Hellboy have all bolstered theirs. Now Hollywood turns from saving the world to more important matters like winning awards. Here is my annual Fall Movie Preview. As always, these are just my opinions based on not having seen a single one of these films. Not that that should stop me.

RIGHTEOUS KILL – Robert De Niro and Al Pacino together again as two cops. Scenes where they’re both on the screen at the same time had to be shot in Imax format in order to contain their performances.

THE DUCHESS – Keira Knightley costume drama. The true story of the Duchess of Devonshire’s stormy marriage to the Duke of Earl.

APPALOOSA – Ed Harris writes/directs/stars in this western. Co-starring Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, and Mr. Ed.

MIRACLE AT ST. ANNA – Spike Lee, World War II. Guess. Brothers kick some Nazi ass!

BODY OF LIES – The trailer just announces “DiCaprio” and “Crowe”, which is all you need because everybody knows Leo DiCaprio and Louisiana State Senator A.G. Crowe.

EAGLE EYE – Shia LeBeouf and Michelle Monaghan are tormented by someone on their cellphones who assumes control of their lives. It’s the nightmare we AT&T customers live with every day. Story by Steven Spielberg. I always wonder why, if it was such a great idea. he didn’t direct it himself.

TYLER PERRY’S THE FAMILY THAT PREYS – Who cares what it’s about? It’s Tyler Perry. Should gross $200 million the first weekend.

NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST – No, it’s not another THIN MAN movie. Two teens have a wild night. Starring Michael Cera (JUNO, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) and the pictured Kat Dennings (SNOBS, a Levine/Isaacs failed pilot).

GHOST TOWN – Ricky Gervais goes Hollywood High Concept. He can see ghosts. He has to break up a marriage for some concocted reason. Not sure if he took this assignment because he really loved the script or a house opened up in the Malibu Colony.

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 -- Dear God!

SAW 5 – If Shawnee Smith took a chainsaw to the High School Musical kids, that I’d pay to see.

MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA – It’s a sequel. It’s from the studio that made SHREK. Expect MADAGASCAR: THE MUSICAL to hit Broadway the week the DVD is released.

RACHEL GETTING MARRIED – Anne Hathaway in her most challenging role since GET SMART. She plays a recovering drug addict who attends her sister’s wedding and causes an uproar when she claims the chopped liver swan is alive.

THE WOMEN – Writer/director Diane English tells me every week at the gym that it’s good. SEX AND THE CITY without the sex, MAMA MIA! without the music. I guess what you’re left with is, well...“the Women”.

BLINDNESS – In the land of the blind the one eyed man is Julianne Moore. Based on Nobel winner Jose Saramago’s novel about a society where no one can see. Sure. Now you want to pay for satellite radio.

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE – Richard Gere & Diane Lane in a midlife crisis weeper. This is their third film together. “Everybody got excited about the chemistry we have”, says Lane. They played a husband and wife in UNFAITHFUL and audiences cheered when she cheated on him. Not sure about that chemistry thing.

AUSTRALIA – Sweeping epic starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, neither of whom had to apply for work visas. Cattle ranching saga. Explains why rib-eye prices are up at the Outback Steakhouse.

THE ROAD – from the Pulitzer Prize winning novel of the same name. Viggo Mortensen in touching father-son movie that Hollywood studios thought was too dark and grim. Producers were unwilling to compromise and add Abba songs.

BOLT – CG-animated version of THE TRUMAN SHOW with animals. James Lipton does a voice. Sample dialogue: “What is your favorite swear bark?”

Part II tomorrow.

My mother the stripper

Hello from Seattle, home of the weirdest plays in baseball. Here’s what happens next in THE SNOBS. For the set-up, please see yesterday’s post.


INT. LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

KARL AND BEVERLY SIT WITH THE SHAPIROS.

BEVERLY
I guess I got into stripping after my junior year in college. I was told I had the body for it. And all the good summer jobs were taken.

DR. SHAPIRO
(SUDDENLY FULL OF LIFE) So what exactly did you do? Did you have a specific theme or motif?

BEVERLY LOOKS TO KARL.

KARL
Of course she did. You don’t become the “Indiana Stripper of the Year” just by sliding down a pole.

BEVERLY
Now, Karl, don’t brag. (THEN) My motif… well, I was a literature major. So, I’d… ask the customers questions and for every right answer I’d take something off.

DR. SHAPIRO
What kind of questions?

BEVERLY
Well… on stage… a typical question I’d ask the sailors might be: What are the names of the daughter in Balzac’s classic, “Pere Goriot”?

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh, I know that. Delphine and… (SEARCHING) Oh, come on, Evelyn, you know this.

MRS. SHAPIRO
I’m not helping you.

KARL
Wait a minute. I know Balzac, that…

BEVERLY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.

KARL
I’ll get Isabel.

KARL CROSSES UP THE HALL.

At this point Karl must put out several other comic fires.

MOMENTS LATER

BEVERLY’S IMAGINATION IS KICKING IN. SHE’S UP ON HER FEET AND GETTING SWEPT UP INTO TH FANTASY.

BEVERLY
There’s a certain freedom to being up on that stage naked, moving, giving yourself to the moment, to the music, to your body. And knowing that you – that shy little girl from Fort Wayne, Indiana – are driving all of those men absolutely mad. That they can look all they want but they can not touch.

DR. SHAPIRO HAS A GRIN ON HIS FACE THAT STRETCHES ALL THE WAY BACK TO PALO ALTO. MRS. SHAPIRO, ON THE OTHER HAND, DOES NOT.

MRS. SHAPIRO
You know, this is the latest Aaron’s been out in a while. And we’ve got a long drive back.

SHE PULLS HIM TO HIS FEET.

DR. SHAPIRO
Aw, I can sleep when I’m dead.

MRS. SHAPIRO
Aaron…

DR. SHAPIRO
I was just –

KARL ENTERS FROM THE HALL TO HEAR:

MRS. SHAPIRO
(EMPHATIC) Aaron, we’re leaving now!

KARL
What? Wait! No!

KARL RUNS TO THE FRONT DOOR.

MRS. SHAPIRO
Thank you for an interesting evening.

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh, goodnight.

MRS. SHAPIRO EXITS.

KARL
Wait! Don’t leave!

DR. SHAPIRO
Can I say something?

KARL FREEZES.

DR. SHAPIRO
I must admit I had my doubts about whether you were Stanford material. But as the evening unfolded I changed my mind. I’d love to see you and especially your wife at our next pool party.

KARL
Thank you. That means a lot.

DR. SHAPIRO EXITS. KARL TURNS TO BEVERLY.

KARL
We did it! He wants us!

BEVERLY
He wants me.

KARL
Who cares? We’re on our way!

KARL GRABS BEVERLY AND KISSES HER – THE MOST PASSIONATE KISS THEY’VE HAD IN A LONG TIME.

BEVERLY
(IMPRESSED) Oooh, Karl. You haven’t kissed me like that in years.

KARL
(EQUALLY IMPRESSED) And you. You’ve never kissed me like that.

BEVERLY
Well, let’s say this evening was … liberating. Want to go try out the gris-gris bag (Clay’s voodoo gift to improve their sex life)? Clay said put it under the pillow and good things happen.

THEY BEGIN PASSIONATELY KISSING AGAIN, AS THEY CROSS UP THE HALLWAY:

KARL
Clay… He’s a good boy, isn’t he?

FADE OUT.

Friday Questions

Wrapping up February.  Are you staying safe?  Here are this week’s Friday Questions.

-30- is up first.

"You're not writing for you; you're writing for them."

That raises the question--Can you write comedy that you don't think is funny? Is it possible because you're trying to please the audience, your showrunner, get or keep your job? Can writers serve an audience by writing to a formula and turn out jokes to fit a template? Is "hold your nose and type" really possible, no matter how the bills are piling up?

When you start out you’ll take any job.  I would have written on any sitcom that would hire me.  And I’d do my best to give them the type of material they wanted.  Yes, I would not feel comfortable, but I’d still be way more comfortable than holding out and waiting tables and writing spec scripts for shows I admired.

At this point in my career, no.  I would have no interest writing a show I didn’t think was funny, no matter how popular it was.  

But I think it’s less about the quality of the humor and more about the sensibility and characters of the show.   I could not write not a show about today’s high school students.  I don’t really know them, I don’t know their voice, I don’t know what they’re thinking.  

What’s somewhat ironic is when my partner, David Isaacs and I were young we got approached to write a movie about comics during the Borscht Belt Era and turned it down because the characters were too old and we had no handle on them.    I wonder if that assignment is still out there. 

Anthony Strand asks:

Cheers season 9 has several cold openers that take place outside of Cheers on the street. Did the cast actually go to Boston to shoot those scenes? Were they all shot at once?

Yes.  They spent about a week there and filmed a bunch of scenes for multiple episodes.  I don’t think I was on that trip.  And if I were I skipped the shooting, probably to get lobster.  

Here are two from Anonymous.  Please leave your name.

Mr Levine, how much of your writing that was filmed/broadcast no longer survives?

Quite a bit.  Let me know if you ever see JOE AND SONS (pictured: above), THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, AFTERMASH, THE TORTELLI’S, BRAM & ALICE, THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES, IT’S ALL RELATIVE, and the pilots of SNOBS and CHARACTERS.   Same is true with shows I directed.  KRISTIN, LATELINE, ASK HARRIET, BROTHER'S KEEPER, ENCORE ENCORE, STARK RAVING MAD, FIRED UP, CONRAD BLOOM. 

None of the three series we created (MARY, BIG WAVE DAVE’S, and ALMOST PERFECT) are currently in syndication although ALMOST PERFECT was for about ten years and you can still see episodes of all three series on YouTube.  

How many of your appearances on radio or TV, including your work as sportscaster or DJ, survives ?

Very little.  I have a few airchecks of my DJ work, and a few of my baseball play-by-play games.  But considering I was doing it every day for years, only a very small percentage remains.  

From time to time I play portions of my radio work on my podcast.   

On the one hand, I wish I had more.  On the other — when would I listen to it  all?  

But I do have the Dodger game I broadcast with Vin Scully.  That baby is a keeper.  

And a Mariner game I did with Dave Niehaus is an exhibit in the Baseball Hall of Fame (because of him, not me).  And fortunately, I happened to be good that night.  

And finally, from Phil:

David Isaacs was listed as the sole writer for Frasier’s season 6 finale, “Shutout in Seattle”. How come you weren’t involved with those episodes?

He did WHAT?  

No, actually, I was off directing in New York during that period.   Those are two really good episodes.  Turns out he’s a pretty great writer without me.  

What’s your Friday Question? 

Kat Dennings

Does it count as discovering someone if you cast her in a failed pilot before her career took off? If so, than my partner and I discovered Kat Dennings.

Kat currently stars in the teen comedy NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST that opened this weekend. It has to do better than the pilot of SNOBS. That was an ill-fated pilot we did for Fox in 2003.

The premise was a family of snobs… but they had no money. They lived way above their means in a crappy tract house in San Mateo. Kat was the daughter. Ironically, the actor we tried to get to play her brother was Michael Cera (this was pre ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) who is now her love interest in NICK & NORAH’S.

Finding a teenage girl who could play attitude and intensity but was real and funny was an almost impossible challenge. Most actresses are not that skilled at that age. Not to say that they won’t grow and blossom but in most cases you could “see them acting”. They didn’t just assume the character. Not Kat. She walked in, read the part, and from the first moment we knew – “That’s the girl!” She was hilarious, she was totally believable in a part that was a real stretch, and she was special.

In a fairly unheard of move, we brought no second choice to the network for approval. Usually they insist. And if you don’t bring them options they generally don’t approve the actor just for spite. But not this time. Everyone in the room instantly saw what we saw and she was enthusiastically approved.

I saw her in 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and thought she stole the movie. You’re probably saying, “Really? She was in that?” Yes, she was Catherine Keener’s daughter and now that you know don’t you agree her performance was incredibly memorable?

I hope to work with Kat again someday. Maybe on another pilot, although the difference will be this time it’ll be her project and I have to get approved by the network.

Best of luck to NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST.

Starting a pilot

For years the popular thinking was comedy spec scripts had to be from existing shows. Now producers and agents are asking for spec pilots. Pilots present their own set of problems and traps. Setting up the characters, situation, exposition, story, tone, and comedy in the first few pages is the most daunting task. I’ve had many requests for a sample of a pilot first scene. So here’s one David Isaacs and I wrote and produced for Fox a couple of years ago called SNOBS. Paget Brewster (pictured) played Beverly. Hope this helps, or at least you find amusing.

ESTABLISHING

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA – EARLY MORNING

WORKING-CLASS SUBURB OF SAN FRANCISCO. TRACKING SHOT REVEALING MODEST, TRACT HOMES. FINALLY, WE REACH A HOME LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, ONLY DIFFERENT. MORE ORNATE, MORE MANICURED. THIS IS THE MALLARD HOME.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM – EARLING MORNING

THE TYPICAL MALLARD BREAKFAST: FINE CHINA SERVICE FILLED WITH BREAKFAST CONDIMENTS (GOOSEBERRY JAM, APPLE BUTTER), LITTLE SERVING SPOONS, PASTRIES, FRESH ORANGE JUICE AND COFFEE. KARL MALLARD, DRESSED FOR WORK, ENJOYS COFFEE AND A SCONE AS HE READS HIS NEW YORK TIMES.

BEVERLY MALLARD ENTERS DRESSED SMARTLY IN A DONNA KARAN SUIT.

BEVERLY
Karl, I don’t have time for a formal breakfast this morning.

KARL
Well, you’re certainly not going to eat a protein bar like some animal. Please, Beverly, sit.

SHE DOES.

BEVERLY
Oh, I suppose I could have a macchiato and a pain au chocolat.

KARL
That’s my girl. We have to keep it civilized in here. Because there’s nothing we can do about (WITH DISDAIN) out there.

BEVERLY
Have faith, honey. Someday we’ll have a home that will live up to our furniture.

KARL
That someday is here, Bev. If tonight’s party goes well, I’m done teaching community college and we’re on our way to… (WITH REVERENCE) Stanford.

BEVERLY
A home in Palo Alto.

KARL
Just think of it. A neighborhood where people park their cars in the garage instead of on the front lawn.

ISABEL MALLARD, 15, ENTERS, CARRYING HER VIOLIN CASE AND HER CAT, HEIFETZ.

ISABEL
Morning.

KARL
Good morning, Isabel.

BEVERLY
What time did you go to bed last night?

ISABEL
I didn’t. (BEAT) You’ll be so proud of me, Daddy. I was practicing my Mendelssohn for your guests this evening.

BEVERLY
But all night? Honey, the therapist said not to put that much pressure on yourself.

ISABEL
But Daddy said it was the most important night of our lives. He told me if I don’t perform this piece perfectly he won’t get the job at Stanford and we’ll be doomed to short brutish lives in this blue collar hell.

KARL
Isabel, that was a “daddy/daughter private talk”.

GORE MALLARD ENTERS. HE’S 12, AND LIKE MOST BOYS HIS AGE, DRESSED IN A TOM WOLFE STYLE VANILLA-COLORED SUIT. AD LIB “GOOD MORNINGS” FROM BEVERLY AND KARL. GORE HANDS THEM EACH A THICK REPORT.

GORE
Here. Read and please respond.

BEVERLY
What is it, Gore?

GORE
35 reasons why Isabel’s cat should be put to death.

ISABEL TAKES A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF HER NOTEBOOK AND HANDS IT TO GORE.

ISABEL
I anticipated this. My rebuttal.

HE QUICKLY SCANS IT, THEN:

GORE
Unacceptable.

KARL
Children, I won’t have you fighting like this!

BEVERLY
Yes, and I don’t want to see any of this tonight in front of Dr. and Mrs. Shapiro.

KARL
That man holds the future of this entire family in his hands.

ISABEL
I’ll be ready, Daddy.

GORE
What a kiss-ass.

BEVERLY
And Gore, as for you tonight, let’s go over this one more time. People are entitled to their opinions.

GORE
Oh, really? What if our (MAKES AIR QUOTES) “guests” like the Baroque period, or Creationism or “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?

KARL
We will respect what they say… and make fun of them afterwards.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. KARL CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.

KARL
I’ve gone to great lengths for tonight: the right wine, the right flowers, the right music. Everything will be perfect.

KARL OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING A YOUNG MAN, CLAY, 17. HE’S SCRUFFY, A SLACKER.

CLAY
Are you Karl Mallard?

KARL
Yes. What can I do for you?

CLAY
It’s me. Clay!

KARL
Clay?

CLAY
Your son.

KARL
My son?

CLAY
New Orleans? (BEAT) 1986? (BEAT) How many illegitimate kids do you have?

Starting a pilot

For years the popular thinking was comedy spec scripts had to be from existing shows. Now producers and agents are asking for spec pilots. Pilots present their own set of problems and traps. Setting up the characters, situation, exposition, story, tone, and comedy in the first few pages is the most daunting task. I’ve had many requests for a sample of a pilot first scene. So here’s one David Isaacs and I wrote and produced for Fox a couple of years ago called SNOBS. Paget Brewster (pictured) played Beverly. Hope this helps, or at least you find amusing.

ESTABLISHING

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA – EARLY MORNING

WORKING-CLASS SUBURB OF SAN FRANCISCO. TRACKING SHOT REVEALING MODEST, TRACT HOMES. FINALLY, WE REACH A HOME LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, ONLY DIFFERENT. MORE ORNATE, MORE MANICURED. THIS IS THE MALLARD HOME.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM – EARLING MORNING

THE TYPICAL MALLARD BREAKFAST: FINE CHINA SERVICE FILLED WITH BREAKFAST CONDIMENTS (GOOSEBERRY JAM, APPLE BUTTER), LITTLE SERVING SPOONS, PASTRIES, FRESH ORANGE JUICE AND COFFEE. KARL MALLARD, DRESSED FOR WORK, ENJOYS COFFEE AND A SCONE AS HE READS HIS NEW YORK TIMES.

BEVERLY MALLARD ENTERS DRESSED SMARTLY IN A DONNA KARAN SUIT.

BEVERLY
Karl, I don’t have time for a formal breakfast this morning.

KARL
Well, you’re certainly not going to eat a protein bar like some animal. Please, Beverly, sit.

SHE DOES.

BEVERLY
Oh, I suppose I could have a macchiato and a pain au chocolat.

KARL
That’s my girl. We have to keep it civilized in here. Because there’s nothing we can do about (WITH DISDAIN) out there.

BEVERLY
Have faith, honey. Someday we’ll have a home that will live up to our furniture.

KARL
That someday is here, Bev. If tonight’s party goes well, I’m done teaching community college and we’re on our way to… (WITH REVERENCE) Stanford.

BEVERLY
A home in Palo Alto.

KARL
Just think of it. A neighborhood where people park their cars in the garage instead of on the front lawn.

ISABEL MALLARD, 15, ENTERS, CARRYING HER VIOLIN CASE AND HER CAT, HEIFETZ.

ISABEL
Morning.

KARL
Good morning, Isabel.

BEVERLY
What time did you go to bed last night?

ISABEL
I didn’t. (BEAT) You’ll be so proud of me, Daddy. I was practicing my Mendelssohn for your guests this evening.

BEVERLY
But all night? Honey, the therapist said not to put that much pressure on yourself.

ISABEL
But Daddy said it was the most important night of our lives. He told me if I don’t perform this piece perfectly he won’t get the job at Stanford and we’ll be doomed to short brutish lives in this blue collar hell.

KARL
Isabel, that was a “daddy/daughter private talk”.

GORE MALLARD ENTERS. HE’S 12, AND LIKE MOST BOYS HIS AGE, DRESSED IN A TOM WOLFE STYLE VANILLA-COLORED SUIT. AD LIB “GOOD MORNINGS” FROM BEVERLY AND KARL. GORE HANDS THEM EACH A THICK REPORT.

GORE
Here. Read and please respond.

BEVERLY
What is it, Gore?

GORE
35 reasons why Isabel’s cat should be put to death.

ISABEL TAKES A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF HER NOTEBOOK AND HANDS IT TO GORE.

ISABEL
I anticipated this. My rebuttal.

HE QUICKLY SCANS IT, THEN:

GORE
Unacceptable.

KARL
Children, I won’t have you fighting like this!

BEVERLY
Yes, and I don’t want to see any of this tonight in front of Dr. and Mrs. Shapiro.

KARL
That man holds the future of this entire family in his hands.

ISABEL
I’ll be ready, Daddy.

GORE
What a kiss-ass.

BEVERLY
And Gore, as for you tonight, let’s go over this one more time. People are entitled to their opinions.

GORE
Oh, really? What if our (MAKES AIR QUOTES) “guests” like the Baroque period, or Creationism or “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?

KARL
We will respect what they say… and make fun of them afterwards.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. KARL CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.

KARL
I’ve gone to great lengths for tonight: the right wine, the right flowers, the right music. Everything will be perfect.

KARL OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING A YOUNG MAN, CLAY, 17. HE’S SCRUFFY, A SLACKER.

CLAY
Are you Karl Mallard?

KARL
Yes. What can I do for you?

CLAY
It’s me. Clay!

KARL
Clay?

CLAY
Your son.

KARL
My son?

CLAY
New Orleans? (BEAT) 1986? (BEAT) How many illegitimate kids do you have?

Starting a pilot

For years the popular thinking was comedy spec scripts had to be from existing shows. Now producers and agents are asking for spec pilots. Pilots present their own set of problems and traps. Setting up the characters, situation, exposition, story, tone, and comedy in the first few pages is the most daunting task. I’ve had many requests for a sample of a pilot first scene. So here’s one David Isaacs and I wrote and produced for Fox a couple of years ago called SNOBS. Paget Brewster played Beverly. A young actor named Aaron Paul played Clay. And another young actor, Kat Dennings played Isabel.   Hope this helps, or at least you find amusing.

ESTABLISHING

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA – EARLY MORNING

WORKING-CLASS SUBURB OF SAN FRANCISCO. TRACKING SHOT REVEALING MODEST, TRACT HOMES. FINALLY, WE REACH A HOME LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, ONLY DIFFERENT. MORE ORNATE, MORE MANICURED. THIS IS THE MALLARD HOME.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM – EARLING MORNING

THE TYPICAL MALLARD BREAKFAST: FINE CHINA SERVICE FILLED WITH BREAKFAST CONDIMENTS (GOOSEBERRY JAM, APPLE BUTTER), LITTLE SERVING SPOONS, PASTRIES, FRESH ORANGE JUICE AND COFFEE. KARL MALLARD, DRESSED FOR WORK, ENJOYS COFFEE AND A SCONE AS HE READS HIS NEW YORK TIMES.

BEVERLY MALLARD ENTERS DRESSED SMARTLY IN A DONNA KARAN SUIT.

BEVERLY
Karl, I don’t have time for a formal breakfast this morning.

KARL
Well, you’re certainly not going to eat a protein bar like some animal. Please, Beverly, sit.

SHE DOES.

BEVERLY
Oh, I suppose I could have a macchiato and a pain au chocolat.

KARL
That’s my girl. We have to keep it civilized in here. Because there’s nothing we can do about (WITH DISDAIN) out there.

BEVERLY
Have faith, honey. Someday we’ll have a home that will live up to our furniture.

KARL
That someday is here, Bev. If tonight’s party goes well, I’m done teaching community college and we’re on our way to… (WITH REVERENCE) Stanford.

BEVERLY
A home in Palo Alto.

KARL
Just think of it. A neighborhood where people park their cars in the garage instead of on the front lawn.

ISABEL MALLARD, 15, ENTERS, CARRYING HER VIOLIN CASE AND HER CAT, HEIFETZ.

ISABEL
Morning.

KARL
Good morning, Isabel.

BEVERLY
What time did you go to bed last night?

ISABEL
I didn’t. (BEAT) You’ll be so proud of me, Daddy. I was practicing my Mendelssohn for your guests this evening.

BEVERLY
But all night? Honey, the therapist said not to put that much pressure on yourself.

ISABEL
But Daddy said it was the most important night of our lives. He told me if I don’t perform this piece perfectly he won’t get the job at Stanford and we’ll be doomed to short brutish lives in this blue collar hell.

KARL
Isabel, that was a “daddy/daughter private talk”.

GORE MALLARD ENTERS. HE’S 12, AND LIKE MOST BOYS HIS AGE, DRESSED IN A TOM WOLFE STYLE VANILLA-COLORED SUIT. AD LIB “GOOD MORNINGS” FROM BEVERLY AND KARL. GORE HANDS THEM EACH A THICK REPORT.

GORE
Here. Read and please respond.

BEVERLY
What is it, Gore?

GORE
35 reasons why Isabel’s cat should be put to death.

ISABEL TAKES A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF HER NOTEBOOK AND HANDS IT TO GORE.

ISABEL
I anticipated this. My rebuttal.

HE QUICKLY SCANS IT, THEN:

GORE
Unacceptable.

KARL
Children, I won’t have you fighting like this!

BEVERLY
Yes, and I don’t want to see any of this tonight in front of Dr. and Mrs. Shapiro.

KARL
That man holds the future of this entire family in his hands.

ISABEL
I’ll be ready, Daddy.

GORE
What a kiss-ass.

BEVERLY
And Gore, as for you tonight, let’s go over this one more time. People are entitled to their opinions.

GORE
Oh, really? What if our (MAKES AIR QUOTES) “guests” like the Baroque period, or Creationism or “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?

KARL
We will respect what they say… and make fun of them afterwards.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. KARL CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.

KARL
I’ve gone to great lengths for tonight: the right wine, the right flowers, the right music. Everything will be perfect.

KARL OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING A YOUNG MAN, CLAY, 17. HE’S SCRUFFY, A SLACKER.

CLAY
Are you Karl Mallard?

KARL
Yes. What can I do for you?

CLAY
It’s me. Clay!

KARL
Clay?

CLAY
Your son.

KARL
My son?

CLAY
New Orleans? (BEAT) 1986? (BEAT) How many illegitimate kids do you have?

Stars I claimed to have discovered... even though I really didn't

Anyone who has been producing TV series for any length of time will have similar stories. They can look back at actors they worked with or hired that later became big names. Here are some of mine.

Kat Dennings -- Star of 2 BROKE GIRLS was in a pilot of ours called SNOBS. We never had her say "vagina", which is why it never got picked up.

Aaron Paul -- Emmy winner for BREAKING BAD was in that same pilot. Okay, these first two I am claiming credit for. It's not like I'm getting any royalties off that damn project. 

Shelley Long – played a nurse once in MASH when I was there. I don’t remember much except she looked very cute in army fatigues.

Rita Wilson – same thing. Also cute in army fatigues. Worked with her again when she starred in VOLUNTEERS. Amazingly, she remembered me. I looked awful in army fatigues.

Katey Sagal – From one of Bette Midler’s Harlettes to a series regular on the MARY SHOW. We knew from day one that she’d become a star. And that’s without even hearing her sing.  Or seeing her riding a motorcycle.

Leah Remini – She played one of Carla’s many daughters on CHEERS. One of my favorite episodes (written by me and David) was “Loathe & Marriage” from the final season where Leah’s character gets married. I also directed her in FIRED UP. She was funny before she was even old enough to drive.

Tim Busfield – He’ll probably cringe but one of his first acting jobs was playing a patient on AfterMASH. Yes, it was, Tim, don't deny it.

James Cromwell – Okay, he wasn’t an unknown when I worked with him but he wasn’t on anyone’s A-List either. He was pretty much a character actor who bounced around. I knew him as Jamie then. We used him on an episode of MASH as a real goofball. Couldn’t quite tell from that role that he’d go on to be nominated for an Oscar. By the way, did you know he was in both BABE and THE BABE?

David Letterman – did a cameo on an OPEN ALL NIGHT we were involved with.


Maggie Lawson – You love her on PSYCH. I’ve loved her since writing and directing IT’S ALL RELATIVE.

David Ogden Stiers – Before he became Charles Winchester on MASH he was talk-show host Robert W. Cleaver on a TONY RANDALL SHOW David and I wrote. That was the episode that got huge laughs during rehearsal but silence during the filming. Later we learned that the bussed in audience spoke no English.

Annette O’Toole – had a small role on a TONY RANDALL SHOW. Tony didn’t like her at first. By show night he was pleading with us to bring her back. The English speaking audience loved her too although I must say she was beautiful in any language.

Lisa Kudrow – Did an episode of CHEERS. Very funny even in a small role. I was not surprised. She went to Taft High in Woodland Hills.

Sanaa Lathan – Directed her in LATELINE. I must’ve given her great notes on that three-page scene because she went on to become a movie queen. I went on to write a blog.

Willie Garson – Directed him in the stellar ASK HARRIET. When that show got cancelled he was free to take another assignment – SEX IN THE CITY. He’s now a regular on WHITE COLLAR.


Julie Benz – Another ASK HARRIET alum I directed.  She's in DEFIANCE, was in DEXTER, A GIFTED MAN, NO ORDINARY FAMILY, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and more. You can certainly understand the attraction considering she was also in SAW V.

Robert Pastorelli – Later to be a stalwart of MURPHY BROWN, but his greatest role was for us on the MARY show. He played sandwich guy, Mr. Yummy.

Jenna Elfmann – first cast in an ALMOST PERFECT as a whack-job secretary. She had no experience at the time and we knew it was a risk but there was something just so damn special about her. She killed in front of the audience. If ever there was someone I knew was going to make it besides Katey Sagal it was Jenna.

And before I slap myself on the back too much for being such a great judge of talent, here are a few of the people I didn’t cast who once came in to read:

Martin Short, Kathy Bates, William H. Macy, Jane Lynch, Tea Leoni, Don Johnson, and Andrea Martin (although that was the network’s fault; we wanted her. They wanted Toni Tennille. Don't ask.),

Stars I claimed to have discovered... even though I didn't

Anyone who has been producing TV series for any length of time will have similar stories. They can look back at actors they worked with or hired that later became big names. Here are some of mine.

Kat Dennings -- Star of 2 BROKE GIRLS was in a pilot of ours called SNOBS. We never had her say "vagina", which is why it never got picked up.

Aaron Paul -- Emmy winner for BREAKING BAD was in that same pilot. Okay, these first two I am claiming credit for. It's not like I'm getting any royalties off that damn project. 

Shelley Long – played a nurse once in MASH when I was there. I don’t remember much except she looked very cute in army fatigues.

Rita Wilson – same thing. Also cute in army fatigues. Worked with her again when she starred in VOLUNTEERS. Amazingly, she remembered me. I looked awful in army fatigues.

Katey Sagal – From one of Bette Midler’s Harlettes to a series regular on the MARY SHOW. We knew from day one that she’d become a star. And that’s without even hearing her sing.  Or seeing her riding a motorcycle.

Leah Remini – She played one of Carla’s many daughters on CHEERS. One of my favorite episodes (written by me and David) was “Loathe & Marriage” from the final season where Leah’s character gets married. I also directed her in FIRED UP. She was funny before she was even old enough to drive.  Now on KEVIN CAN WAIT and Scientology free. 

Tim Busfield – He’ll probably cringe but one of his first acting jobs was playing a patient on AfterMASH. Yes, it was, Tim, don't deny it.

James Cromwell – Okay, he wasn’t an unknown when I worked with him but he wasn’t on anyone’s A-List either. He was pretty much a character actor who bounced around. I knew him as Jamie then. We used him on an episode of MASH as a real goofball. Couldn’t quite tell from that role that he’d go on to be nominated for an Oscar. By the way, did you know he was in both BABE and THE BABE?

David Letterman – did a cameo on an OPEN ALL NIGHT we were involved with.


Maggie Lawson – You love her on PSYCH. I’ve loved her since writing and directing IT’S ALL RELATIVE.

David Ogden Stiers – Before he became Charles Winchester on MASH he was talk-show host Robert W. Cleaver on a TONY RANDALL SHOW David and I wrote. That was the episode that got huge laughs during rehearsal but silence during the filming. Later we learned that the bused in audience spoke no English.

Annette O’Toole – had a small role on a TONY RANDALL SHOW. Tony didn’t like her at first. By show night he was pleading with us to bring her back. The English speaking audience loved her too although I must say she was beautiful in any language.

Lisa Kudrow – Did an episode of CHEERS. Very funny even in a small role. I was not surprised. She went to Taft High in Woodland Hills.

Sanaa Lathan – Directed her in LATELINE. I must’ve given her great notes on that three-page scene because she went on to become a movie queen. I went on to write a blog.

Willie Garson – Directed him in the stellar ASK HARRIET. When that show got cancelled he was free to take another assignment – SEX IN THE CITY. Became a regular on WHITE COLLAR.  And now he's in fifteen things. 


Julie Benz – Another ASK HARRIET alum I directed.  She's in DEFIANCE, was in DEXTER, A GIFTED MAN, NO ORDINARY FAMILY, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and more. You can certainly understand the attraction considering she was also in SAW V.

Robert Pastorelli – Later to be a stalwart of MURPHY BROWN, but his greatest role was for us on the MARY show. He played sandwich guy, Mr. Yummy.

Jenna Elfmann – first cast in an ALMOST PERFECT as a whack-job secretary. She had no experience at the time and we knew it was a risk but there was something just so damn special about her. She killed in front of the audience. If ever there was someone I knew was going to make it besides Katey Sagal it was Jenna.

And before I slap myself on the back too much for being such a great judge of talent, here are a few of the people I didn’t cast who once came in to read:

Martin Short, Kathy Bates, William H. Macy, Jane Lynch, Tea Leoni, Don Johnson, and Andrea Martin (although that was the network’s fault; we wanted her. They wanted Toni Tennille. Don't ask.),