The 2010 AVN Adult industry awards -- my review

Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year!

WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal” are revealed.

The evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because “He likes to have sex with women.”

Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?

Also co-hosting was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment, “Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.

One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”

Sasha Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.

Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.

Dave Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.

Kagney Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same ceremony.

Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist. Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”

Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”

I'm not making any of this up. Honest.

Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.

Performing anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.

There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??

I did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??

Sunny Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great, although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never gets that kind of great information out of the stars.

I love who gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said, “Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans. “You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.” When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?

Several awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed… “Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5, “Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,

One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??

But my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award. One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still remember his lines.”

Poetry. Sheer poetry.

For more of of my look into the enchanting world of adult entertainment, here is my review of Porn Star Karaoke from a few years ago.

What's the best night to film?

That's a question I'm asked almost as much as why wasn't there a MANNEQUIN 3?

Multi-camera shows that film before live studio audiences (like BIG BANG THEORY and TWO AND A HALF MEN) generally shoot on Tuesday or Friday nights. That way two shows can share one camera crew (back in the day when there were that many shows). I’ve been asked which of those nights I prefer and why? My answer is Tuesday and it stems from my first foray into playwriting.

A hundred and ten years ago my writing partner, David and I wrote an evening of one-act plays. It was more of an exercise really. We did four one acts in four different comic styles. The small theatre scene in LA was booming at that time. Melrose Ave. had ten or fifteen 99 seat theatres, one more charming than the next. To get to OUR theatre you continued east on Melrose until you heard gunfire then you turned right. Once you got to the first building that wasn’t on fire you turned into the lot and you were there. The 5th Street Studio theatre on 5th and Western over a pizza parlour. We were practically on Broadway.

Our shows ran Friday and Saturday nights for a month. We wanted to close before the summer and any riots. Amazingly, we had good crowds. (These are the same people you see on FEAR FACTOR.) On the first Friday night things were going great. Each act worked. Lots of laughs. The finale was an all out farce – people running in and out of doors, hellzapoppin’. It was 45 minutes long. For the first half hour the audience roared and then suddenly…they just stopped laughing. We couldn’t believe it. The last fifteen minutes (the big wild finale) was greeted with stone silence.

David and I were so thrown we didn’t know what to change. So we decided to just leave it, watch carefully the next night and see just where the play goes off the track.

On Saturday we had another good house. (Must’ve been a GREEN BERET convention in town.) The farce started, the laughs started, we braced ourselves…but this time they didn’t stop laughing. All the way through. In fact the laughs were bigger at the end.

Tremendously relieved, we concluded we just had a bad crowd the previous night (all of their cars had been broken into and they were bummed) and left the script alone.

But the next Friday night the same thing happened as the previous Friday. At the half hour mark the laughs stopped. But on Saturday night they were there wire to wire. And this pattern continued throughout the run.

What it taught us was that Friday night audiences are tired. It’s been a long week, they’ve just come from work and at a certain point they’re just pooped. Saturday crowds had a day to relax.

Since then we’ve always shot our shows on Tuesday nights. It’s the middle of the week, it gives people something to look forward to, and most importantly, they have more energy.

I’d feel bad for those four Friday night audiences but hey, they got home alive. You can’t ask much more from theatre in Los Angeles than that.

The best laughs are the ones you never see

This is the time of year when most multi-camera sitcoms wrap for the season. The final shoot is usually followed by the wrap party and the gag reel. This has become a time-honored tradition. Multi-camera gag reels are always funnier because they're in front of a live audience. Here's an example from FRIENDS. I'm guessing this is just part of the reel. On CHEERS and other shows I've worked on, there's always a montage segment featuring all the guest players who appeared that season. There are also one or two really filthy outtakes. But you'll get the idea. Gag reels are funny but they are so much funnier when you know you don't have to see any of these people again for five months.

By the way, I imagine the gag reel for FEAR FACTOR is something completely different.

Sirius-XM seriously sucks

Boy, who didn’t see this coming? Since XM satellite radio merged with Sirius and Mel Karmazin assumed control of both, XM has just gone to hell. While trying to justify the colossal blunder of Sirius giving Howard Stern half a billion dollars only to see the King of All Media But One leave at the end of this year after essentially fleecing the company, Karmazin has resorted to old tricks of cutting corners, firing loyal staffers who, unlike Howard, can’t afford to be out of work, and showing utter disregard for his listeners (or in this case, subscribers).

All the things he promised Congress he wouldn't do, he's done. Isn't that called perjury?

His latest edict is to trash the baseball only channel – once the best sports talk stationl on the air. In protest, my son Matt wrote Sirius-XM a kick-ass letter, which you can read here. The net net is they’ve dumped some excellent hosts and replaced them with a simulcast of MLB.TV. So instead of hearing highlights we’re hearing “Hey, take a look at this!” Instead of hosts taking calls from listeners we’re getting round table discussions featuring unidentified commentators all talking over each and pointing to graphics we’ll never see.

This is good radio? This is an improvement? And they’re asking us to PAY for this? Oh, and by the way, it’s not even commercial free. You’re paying a monthly subscription to ease drop on a television show and suffer through commercials. Do the powers-that-be know that this is a horrible deal and long time listeners and supporters are furious? Of course they do. They just don’t give a shit.

All of the actual game broadcasts you can get from mlb.com. Instead of spending $150 for satellite radio you can buy an app for your smart phone for less than $15, just plug it into your car’s auxiliary, and hear EVERY broadcast (not just the home team’s) all season long. You can load that same smart phone or iPod with all your favorite music and never need the 100 commercial free channels Sirius/XM provides.

And just wait until we can all get internet radio in our cars. The Sirius/XM satellites will just be large useless disco balls floating aimlessly in space – it they’re not that already.

Why cable doesn't save your favorite shows

Time to blast through some Friday questions. What’s yours?

sophomorecritic starts us off:

i asked this before but i hate watching good shows get cancelled. why doesn't cable tv just pick up the good cancelled shows that have decent ratings but not good enough for cable readings.

tbs almost picked up my name is earl but greg garcia said that not enough money was being offered for a quality tv show? did that basically mean the show's stars were greedy?

No. Stars, even greedy ones, are just one part of a very large budget. Cable networks usually play to smaller audiences than broadcast networks deliver so the fees they charge to advertise are less. And yet the budgets for these shows remain the same or continue to grow. There’s only so much budget trimming you can do before it’s just Earl in an empty room with one chair.

It could be argued that studios traditionally spend more than the license fees they’re given to produce a show. But that’s on the hope that the show will amass enough episodes to go into syndication. And those opportunities are shrinking as well. So there comes a point where it just doesn’t make sense to keeping making new episodes.

Lisa j. wonders:

When a lit agent likes a new writer's script enough to meet with them (I'm thinking of tv writers), what is the agent looking for? How can a writer blow it/nail it?

If an agent is considering taking you on as a client he’s looking to see how stable you are, how you present yourself in social situations, and just what kind of person you are. When he sends you out on a job interview, is the show runner going to call him back saying he’s taken out a restraining order?

Agents are looking for little telling signs. Are you nuts? Do you bathe? Do you have an ego bigger than Simon Cowell and Quentin Tarantino’s put together?

The bottom line, they’re trying to assess how marketable you are. I would say just be yourself, don’t come on too strong, leave all weapons at home. Make him feel comfortable. Remember, you already have a leg up. He’s impressed with your scripts. He wants to like you.

Also, the first thing you should not say when you enter his office is, "Hey, how about returning a fucking phone call just once in your fucking life?"

Here are a couple of questions from Texas 1st:

What is your reaction when you sit down for some good old-fashioned mind-numbing thanks to the boob tube, and one of your shows comes on? Have you found yourself rewriting scenes or making commentary (like on a DVD) to no one in particular?

I’m ALWAYS rewriting my shows in my head. There are some I come across that I don’t even watch. Others I still like and will sit through again. If it’s an episode I haven’t seen in years I will usually stay with it. Every so often I’m pleasantly surprised and an episode I didn’t really like at the time turns out to be pretty good. And in those cases, I don’t know whether it was better than I originally thought or the bar has just been lowered.

I will only provide commentary if someone else is in the room. And usually that commentary is how late the rewrite was and how much of a pain in the ass that episode was.

gottacook asks:

Are you a fan of any of the work of Bruce Jay Friedman (who turns 80 this year)? If so, what do you enjoy best - his novels, screenplays, short stories, perhaps The Lonely Guy's Book of Life? For some reason it seems to me you would have come across his work.

Big fan of everything. And don’t forget A CHANGE OF PLANS, which became the movie HEARTBREAK KID. THE LONELY GUY is interesting because it’s non-fiction. It was fictionalized for the movie. His play STEAMBATH is another personal favorite – God as a Puerto Rican steambath attendant. Who knew?

Happy birthday, Bruce.

From Michael in Vancouver:

Despite your objection to the CHEERS reunion show, if they did it anyway and asked you to write, what would you do? Would you say, "I want no part of this" or would you say "Well, if they're doing it anyway, let's do it right."

I would only do it if the Charles Brothers and James Burrows got involved. Putting those three geniuses together again – that’s the REAL reunion.

The imperfect use of perfect

I’m not in the food service or customer service business so I never got this memo, but who decreed that every waiter, hotel desk clerk, and department store salesman respond to everything you say with “Perfect!”? I find it annoying and not the least bit condescending.

The dictionary on my computer (so it must be the ultimate authority) defines “perfect” as “without errors, flaws, or faults”, “excellent or ideal in every way.” So does that really apply when I want another spoon?

I was with a friend recently and he ordered a salad with the dressing on the side. The waitress chirped, “Perfect!” I ordered the same salad but with the dressing mixed in. Again, she said, “Perfect!” So which is it, bitch? They can’t both be perfect! I can’t tell you how many restaurants I’ve been thrown out of lately.

Is it that we as a society so desperately need affirmation and acceptance? My boss may hate me and my girlfriend thinks I’m a wimp but Goddamn it, the waitress at Hardee’s is in awe of my decision-making ability.

The British use the word “brilliant” to describe any action that’s not retarded. When a kid on AMERICAN IDOL recently sang an acoustic version of an inane Paula Abdul pop ditty judge Kara called it “Genius!” That word used to be reserved for Nobel Prize winners, now it applies to reality show contestants.

And don’t think my generation isn’t guilty of this practice too. The Supremes weren’t.

I know this sounds like a plug for my now defunct television series, but please, can we dial down the platitudes? Can we show a little perspective? When we order egg whites, or pay for that with a credit card, or need another minute to look over the menus, can you just say, “Almost perfect!”??

AMERICAN IDOL: John, Paul, Crystal, and Siobhan

It was Lennon & McCartney night and not only did the kids pretty much rise to the occasion, no one sang “Imagine”! How many times have we heard that song trampled? I am a little disappointed no one did “ Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey” and “I Am the Walrus” (I would have loved hearing Kara scold Katie Stevens for not making the lyric “yellow matter custard/dripping from a dead dog’s eye” her own) but all in all a solid night.

And what would a Beatles song be like without a didgeridoo or the bagpipes? Both were employed last night. I worry that this trend to be original and surprising will escalate to where Crystal is playing a musical saw with her teeth and Lee is accompanying himself on the Exedrin Thumb Piano.

Aaron Kelly kicked things off with “The Long and Winding Road”. I liked it better than the judges did. Simon blasted the arrangement. I can just imagine Phil Spector sitting with his fellow inmates in federal prison (those hardened criminals are just suckers for singing competitions), enjoying his one hour respite from being passed around like a lit joint, only to hear his gorgeous arrangement ridiculed on national television. Oh are those zany guys from cell block D gonna razz him for that!

Katie Stevens (another reason I’m sure the convicts are such Idol fans) gave one of her best performances, to date singing “Let It Be”. Kara (who is starting to look alarmingly like Jack Lord) complimented her on rebounding after three sub-par weeks. Katie is growing on me.

Andrew Garcia sang “Can’t Buy Me Love”. A better choice might have been “I Don’t Want to Spoil the Party So I’ll Go”. Andrew’s not in the league of the front runners and even a Bowafridgeaphone or a gas tank orchestra would not help him at this stage.

If this was 1966 Tim Urban would be a member of the Monkees and a bigger star than all the American Idols put together. But it’s 2010 and I’m afraid he’s going home soon after Andrew.

Big Mike Lynche turned “Eleanor Rigby” into a Luther Vandross song. But then he turns every song into a Luther Vandross song. The judges were mixed. But compared to David Cook’s amazing version of the song from season 7, Big Mike paled.

Simon is always criticizing the contestants for sounding like they’re in a musical but where’s the only place former Idol kids can get work? In Broadway musicals. Don’t kid yourself Simon. You may think these young singers strive to be Kelly Clarkson. They’d kill to be Ethel Merman.

Crystal Bowersox gave the performance of the night with “Come Together” despite the fact that she had bronchitis. Her didgeridoo player hung in there with her and at one point he held a note so long I thought he was going to blow his liver out through the horn.

Casey James did a heartfelt version of “Jealous Guy”. Here’s my problem with Casey: no one that good looking should ever be allowed to sing the blues. What kind of anguish has this guy had to endure? Being stalked by Kara ?

Siobhan Magnus always looks so cute – except on show night. Then she turns into an audience member of a midnight “Rocky Horror Picture Show” screening. This week she came dressed as Madonna during her ill advised “Papa Don’t Preach” phase. But I love Siobhan. Maybe it’s because I once had a crush on Kim Darby but I do believe she’s an extraordinary singer. After weeks of power screeching she backed way off and did a beautiful sensitive interpretation of “Across the Universe”. If she doesn't win this competition she too is headed to Broadway. She'll be starring in "the Addams Family" by Halloween.

Lee Dewyze had the pimp spot and sang “Hey Jude”. Since Idol is always looking for new ways to fill time (now they have exit interviews reminding us just how much we all miss “The Weakest Link”) “Hey Jude” is the perfect song because it can be sung forever. Lee was joined inexplicably by a bagpipe player. Ellen had the line of the night saying the kilted musician had veered off from his parade.

There was no celebrity mentor this week although I’m sure if the kids wouldn’t mind mingling with 200 rapists, murderers, and Goldman-Sachs executives, I’m sure Phil Spector would have been happy to give them all tips.

Expanding on Tweets. I sometimes need more than 140 words.

When I mentioned that Bruce Springsteen had an affair with a woman who looked just like his wife, my daughter Annie said if his wife ever caught him he could just say, “But honey, I thought it was you.”

That wouldn’t work for Jesse James. Hard to confuse America’s sweetheart, Sandra Bullock with Bombshell McGhee.

I love 24 but this season it has gone off the tracks crazy. First off, I can’t decide – is Katee Sackhoff the hammiest actress ever or has she just been given horrible direction? Not since Little Nell was tied to the railroad tracks has a villain been soooo melodramatic. It's like she's growing a mustache.

And what kind of air-tight security check could CTU have if someone who used a different name and once committed a major felony could get a top secret clearance? They pat down old ladies at the airport but Jack Nicholson of THE SHINING is allowed to be the chief systems analyst during a nuclear crisis?

And way to cover your tracks Katee. Who calls the terrorists repeatedly using a company cellphone while in the war room of CTU?

One app the iPad doesn’t offer is a way to predict sales of the iPad. First day sales were way less than expected (but still more than Blackberrys, Kindles, and Vegematics combined).

I’m thrilled that KABC radio and the Dodgers have agreed to extend their partnership for at least two more seasons. It’s hard enough to work for an organization you love; much less two.

Based on opening day can I revise my baseball predictions? The Pittsburgh Pirates will win the World Series.

ABC: Here's the thing about countdown clocks (like the one you had in LOST last week promoting V, which was distracting and totally insulting to everyone who worked so tirelessly on LOST to give you a good show) -- they're only effective if we care and are really looking forward to the event being counted down. So a countdown to the opening of the Olympics made sense. The countdown to when the Olsen Twins would turn 18 made sense. But no one give s a shit about the relaunch of V.

Thanks to everyone now following me on Twitter.

I will be reviewing AMERICAN IDOL late tonight. It’s “Lennon & McCartney Week”. Oh please let Katie Stevens sing “I Am the Walrus”.

Our NEW vanity card

Thanks to friend of the blog Kevin Gershan who saw my piece on vanity cards and made us a new one that combines the best of all. It's worth getting another show on just for this. Thanks, Kev.

"That's some bad hat, Harry"

Ever notice at the end of shows there are those cards that fill the screen with names of bizarre production companies, sometimes animated and sometimes with sound (“That’s some bad hat, Harry.”)? Those are called vanity cards. When writer/creators form their own production company (and they all do) they’re entitled to a vanity card.

The question is: what to do with it? When my partner David Isaacs and I got a series on CBS we had to create our vanity card. First we needed to come up with a name for our so-called entertainment conglomerate. Candidates included “13 and out”, “FU Money”, and “Tina Delgado is alive ALIVE!” We decided to just call it “Levine & Isaacs Productions”, thus extending the outer reaches of our creativity. Look, it’s on screen for like one second, so why not just go for ego under the guise of simplicity?

Some of these vanity cards are so cutesy and pretentious. We wanted to steer clear of that. Maybe the worst was Stephen J. Cannell's. You see him writing at the typewriter with an Emmy in the shot. He takes the paper out of the typewriter, flings it into the air, and its brilliance morphs into an animated version of his company's logo. Yikes!

Now for the visual.

Chuck Lorre fills his card with long fine print rants. That’s an ingenious idea but (a) we didn’t want to copy Chuck, and (b) who wants to do all that extra writing work?

We thought of showcasing our dads waving at the camera as a tribute to them. But then we realized, networks were going to think that was me and David and we didn’t need being blackballed for ageism while we were still in our 30s.

We considered baseball caps from our favorite teams. His was the Yankees but mine would change depending on who hired me to do play-by-play. So that was out. Then we figured, just use caps from our colleges – UCLA and the University of Miami. But UCLA raised my basketball tickets that year and the U of M was undergoing another scandal so we nixed that idea.

To animate something would be costly. And again, there was that fear that we would look incredibly full of ourselves.

So we settled on this. Did it in black and white because there was nothing on TV in black and white then. When it appeared, a little shimmer went across the screen but otherwise this was it. You’re welcome to download it and use it as your wallpaper or screen saver.

Netflix pick of the month: ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

Okay, I’m a little biased because it was written by my ALMOST PERFECT co-creator Robin Schiff, but ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is (as Romy or Michele might say) “a good movie… a really good movie!”

One reason why is that Robin was the only writer on the film. It didn’t get passed around from screenwriter to screenwriter like Marilyn Monroe at a Kennedy family weekend. The voices and attitudes are so clear, so hilarious, and so fresh. Where are you going to hear dialogue like this?

Romy: Swear to God, sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
Michele: Do you want to try to have sex sometime just to see if we are?
Romy: What? Yeah, right, Michelle. Just the idea of having sex with another woman creeps me out. But if we're not married by the time we're 30, ask me again.
Michele: Okay.

I’m guessing it’s not hard to surmise the plotline of ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. Romy (Mira Sorvino) and Michele (Lisa Kudrow) are two loveable daft losers who attend their tenth reunion and make up stories to impress everyone. Michele encounters fellow classmate, Christie while Romy is with heartthrob Billy:

Christie: So, Mi-chelle! What are you up to?
Michele: Oh, okay. Um, I invented Post-Its.
Christie: No offense, Michele, but how in the world did *you* think of Post-Its?
Michele: Uh...
[looks across the room at Romy talking to Billy Christianson]
Romy: And I thought of them completely by myself. I mean, all Michele did was say: "What about making them yellow?"
Michele: [turns to the A Group] Actually I invented a special kind of glue.
Christie: Oh really? Well then I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving us a detailed account of exactly how you concocted this miracle glue, would you?
Michele: No. Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in an epoxide, which is really just a fancy-schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right.

What fun goofy stuff! R&M’s worldview is so deliciously askew that the real fun of the movie isn’t following the story (although the story does zip along) but just getting their take on things. Weight for example:

Michele: Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.
Romy: Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.

Romy: I've been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound.
Michele: That's impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?

Michele: Did you lose weight?
Romy: Actually, I have been trying this new fat free diet I invented. All I've had to eat for the past six days are gummy bears, jelly beans, and candy corns.
Michele: God, I wish I had your discipline.

And one of Robin Schiff’s favorite targets:

Michele: You know, even though we've watched Pretty Woman like thirty-six times, I never get tired of making fun of it.

Romy: Aw, look, poor thing - they won't let her shop. Yeah - like those salesgirls in Beverly Hills aren't bigger whores than she is.

ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION came out in 1997. I guess there could be the sequel showing them at their 20 year reunion. And they could be up to their same old tricks. Instead of Michele saying she invented Post-It’s she could now claim she’s the former governor of Alaska.

My predictions for the 2010 baseball season

It’s time to play ball! The first pitch will be thrown in anger tonight as the 2010 major league baseball season begins.

For years the tradition was to have the Cincinnati Reds play the first game (since they were supposedly the first team). But now that television runs the sport that tradition has been obliterated in favor of the Yankees playing the Red Sox. Christ! I’m already sick of the Yankees playing the Red Sox.

This is the time of year when everyone makes their predictions even though no one has any idea who’s going to get injured, what trades are going to be made, who will be suspended for steroids, and how many Minnesota Twins home games will be snowed out (the over-under is 50)?

So here are my educated-stab-in-the-dark predictions for this season.
The Atlanta Braves will be better than most people think.

Bud Selig’s suit will come back into style.

The Texas Rangers are to be applauded for standing behind Ron Washington when he confessed to using cocaine.

Ron Washington will be the first manager fired.

Joe Morgan will not say anything he hasn’t already said five thousand times. You’d think that just once he could say it grammatically correct.

No one will go out to the Oakland Coliseum (or whatever the hell they call it now) to see the A’s, no matter how good they are.

The worst giveaway will be the Giants’ wearable blanket night.

The Yankee-Dodger series will sell out.

The Padres-Mariners series will not.

When Manny Ramirez returns to Boston with the Dodgers he will receive a standing ovation. And a second one when he drops a routine fly ball.

Mark McGwire will get booed everywhere he goes (but not enough for my money).

Roger Clemens will be caught having sex with Bombshell McGee.

Steve Phillips will be back in sex rehab after trying to get the Phillie Phanatic drunk.

Pedro Martinez will be back by August. So will Bobby Valentine.

Bruce Bochy will do a great job managing San Francisco and get no recognition.

One idiot in every fantasy league will draft Joe Nathan.

By June Dick Enberg will be rethinking this idea of announcing 100+ Pares games a season.

The Cincinnati Reds may surprise some people.

Pitcher Brian Matusz (who???) of the Orioles will be the AL Rookie-of-the-Year. That’s only ‘cause there’s no 35 year-old eight-time Japanese batting champion joining a US team. In the NL it’ll be Atlanta’s Jason Heyward.

Comeback players of the year – Tim Hudson of Atlanta. And Julianna Margulies of THE GOOD WIFE.

At least one player will be out for the year as a result of a horrible bar-b-queing accident.

Clayton Kershaw will win the Cy Young award. Maybe even this year.

The happiest day of the season for me will be when my former partner Jon Miller gets inducted into the Hall of Fame. He makes the fourth broadcast partner of mine to go into the Hall. Meanwhile, Pete Rose will get in before I do.

Out of 2430 games, the National Anthem will be butchered 2421 times.

It’s worth spending $120 to sign up for the MLB gameday package just to hear Vin Scully call Dodger games.

NL MVP - Ryan Howard. AL MVP - Carl Crawford.

The games will seem too long but the season will go by too fast.

I’ll be co-hosting Dodger Talk again this year with Josh Suchon on Talk Radio 790 KABC, KABC.COM, and iTunes radio after every Dodger game, home and away.

People always ask me why I am so in love with baseball. I think George Carlin said it best: “Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror”.

What are you predictions? I'll hold you to yours as much as you hold me to mine.

Scenes from OPEN ALL NIGHT

Here's all I could find on YouTube. The opening, which is a CLASSIC, and then the David Letterman cameo. If anyone out there has OPEN ALL NIGHT footage, lemme know.

Open All Night

I’m amazed and delighted that some of you actually remember OPEN ALL NIGHT. David Letterman did make a cameo in one episode. So did Joe Montagne, Elvira, David Paymer, and me and my writing partner, David Isaacs (playing two swinging lawyers trying to pick up female mud wrestlers at a mace class).

For the other 99.9% that don’t recall the show, it starred George Dzundza and Susan Tyrell as owners of a 24 hour convenience store. Sam Whipple played Susan’s weird nerd son, and the always hilarious Bubba Smith played a co-worker. It ran for 13 weeks on ABC in the fall of ’81.

We wrote two of the episodes. Here’s part of a scene from one. The weird son, Terry (Sam Whipple), runs away and becomes a desk clerk at the Bates Motel. Step-father, Gordon (George Dzundza) goes to get him back. Once you read it you'll see why we were astounded that we got a WGA award nomination for this script.

INT. BATES MOTEL – NIGHT

RIGHT OUT OF “PSYCHO”. IT’S AN OLD HOTEL LOBBY ADORNED WITH DUST AND MACABRE-LOOKING STUFFED BIRDS. AN OLD LADY, HER BACK TO THE CAMERA, SITS IN A ROCKING CHAIR AS GORDON ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND.

(We pick up the scene with GORDON TALKING TO TERRY AT THE FRONT DESK.)

GORDON
Look, Terry, it took me three hours to find this place. Now I apologize. So go get your stuff and let’s get out of here.

TERRY
I’m not going anywhere. I’m happy where I am. I fit in. I like it here. It’s quiet. I’ve got friends (RE STUFFED BIRDS) … and nobody hassles me.

GORDON
You gonna stay here for the rest of your life?

TERRY
Probably not. The place is sinking into the swamp.

GORDON
I never thought I’d say this… but it’s important to me that you come home.

TERRY SCOFFS AS A YOUNG WOMAN, MARION, CARRYING A SUITCASE AND A NEWSPAPER ENTERS. SHE ACTS VERY NERVOUS AS IF BEING FOLLOWED. MARION BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO A YOUNG JANET LEIGH.

TERRY
Excuse me… I have a customer. Welcome to the Bates Motel.

MARION
Do you have a room? I need a room.

TERRY
We’ve got rooms. Twelve cabins. Twelve vacancies. Do you have a reservation?

MARION
No, I just need it for the night. I’ve got a long drive back to Phoenix.

TERRY
You can have Cabin One. It’s the closest if you need anything.

MARION
I won’t need anything.

TERRY HANDS HER A LARGE ORNATE KEY.

MARION
Oh… does the room have a shower?
GORDON
No!!!

TERRY
Sure it does, Gor-don.

MARION
(TO GORDON) What’s the matter with you?

SHE EXITS.

TERRY
I wonder if I changed the linen in that room?

TERRY MOVES A PAINTING ASIDE REVEALING A PEEPHOLE INTO CABIN ONE. HE PEERS THROUGH IT.

TERRY
Yep. All set.

HE SLIDES THE PICTURE BACK. GORDON WANTS TO GET OUT. HE GRABS TERRY BY THE ARM.

GORDON
Terry, no more arguing. Get your stuff.

TERRY
Are you gonna hit me?

GORDON
Hit you? Have I ever hit you before?

TERRY
We’ve never been this close before.

GORDON
Terry, come on home. I’ll make it up to you.

TERRY
Oh, really? Oh, really? You’ll stop ignoring me? You won’t chop me down behind my back? You’ll take a weekend off just to be with me? I think not. I’ve had it with fathers. And step-fathers and uncles. None of you have ever wanted me. You all think I’m weird. Maybe I am weird. A lot of people are weird. A lot of people. Isaac Newton was weird. So was Wolfgang Mozart… and Fred Silverman, and the list goes on and on. Carly Simon, Garry Marshall, Charles Kuralt…

GORDON
All right, all right. I get the point.

TERRY
Thomas “Tip” O’Neill…

GORDON
Okay. (BEAT, THEN) Terry, I don’t know what I’m trying to say… I guess I’m trying to tell you…

OLD LADY
Could you tell him in the men’s room? I’m trying to read.

TERRY
Pardon me. I’ve gotta go set the coyote traps.

TERRY STARTS FOR THE DOOR.

GORDON
Wait a minute… What if I was to promise to try harder? To… start from scratch, give you a break or two. I don’t know if we’d ever wind up “buddies” but you deserve more than I’ve given you.

TERRY
Would you take me on a two-week father-son cruise to the Bahamas?

GORDON
No.

TERRY
How about a day in the mountains?

GORDON
What day and what mountain?

TERRY
Here we go again.

GORDON
Okay, okay, a day in the mountains.

TERRY
You’d really do it? Just you and me?

GORDON
Why not? You’re the only kid I got.

TERRY THINKS THAT OVER, THEN:

TERRY
I love you, Gordon.

GORDON
Yeah.. uh… that’s fine. Let’s.. uh… get goin’, huh?

TERRY
I’ve got to go up to the house and return Mr. Bathes’ clothes.

GORDON
You mean that spooky place on the hill? It’s dark except for some old woman sitting in an upstairs window.

TERRY
That’s Mr. Bates. I’ll be back in a minute… “Dad”.

TERRY EXITS. THERE’S A SCREAM.

GORDON
I heard a scream. Was that a scream?

OLD LADY
Yes. But you get used to them.

GORDON RUSHES TO THE PEEPHOLE AND SLIDES THE PAINTING ASIDE.

GORDON
Oh, my God. Are you all right in there?

MARION (O.S.)
Yeah. Except there’s no hot water. (THEN) Do you mind?

GORDON NODS, SLIDES THE PAINTING BACK AND WE:

FREEZE AND FADE OUT.

My new Twitter policy

A number of you have complained I don't Tweet enough. Others think I'm a toxic unfunny leftist tool. The tweets I can do something about. So as a reward for those who follow me on Twitter I've begun tweeting more -- snide comments, pithy observations, updates on my cholesterol. etc.

Recent tweets have dealt with John Forsythe, Charlie Sheen, wax chocolate Easter bunnies, Kobe Bryant, the Cleveland Indians, that piece-of-shit countdown clock in LOST, and People magazine naming me the "Sexiest Man Alive".

See what you're missing?

My daughter tortured the warm-up guy

Here are some terrific Friday questions from "Ruth". They're directed to my kids. So my daughter Annie has graciously agreed to respond. Thanks, Annie!

Just wondering if either of your kids ever visited on any of the sets of the shows with which you were associated in their younger days; if so, do either of them have any specific "stand-out" memories of those visits that they'd care to share? (Talk about a "Take Your Kid to Work Day" that would make the other kids green with envy!!)

I’ll take these questions because my brother is busy being successful and doing things that I don’t understand. All Red Sox questions still need to go to him.

Matt and I have been on set of most of the shows that my father has written or directed. I used to rate each show by which one had the best craft services table. In case you’re curious, Everybody Loves Raymond was the winner. There were a lot of weeknights where I went to TV tapings and worked on my homework in between takes. Some assignments were easier to do on set than others. Anytime I had to practice an oral report, it didn’t go over so well.

When I wasn’t doing homework, I was heckling the warm-up guys. There was one in particular that seemed to be at every show my father directed, so I picked on him mercilessly. Little angel that I was, I may have yelled things like “You did this joke last week!’ or “You’re already screwing it up!” That guy probably still has a voodoo doll of me hidden somewhere.

My brother and I also spent time on sets during rehearsals. When Matt was little, he went around the Cheers set selling raffle tickets for our elementary school’s big fundraiser. The tickets were a dollar apiece, and you could win a big screen TV or something thrilling like that. When Matt asked Kirstie Alley if she’d like to buy a raffle ticket, she handed him a 20 dollar bill. Matt looked at the money in shock, and then looked back at her and said “But Kirstie, you might not win!”

When I helped out on the set of Conrad Bloom, Mark Feuerstien asked my father if he could marry me. Mark seems to have moved on, which is fine. Really. I’m over it. I only die a little inside every time I watch Royal Pains.

A lot of time “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” consisted of me hanging out with the PA’s while my dad slaved away in the writers’ room. We ate junk food, watched cartoons and drove the golf cart around. The PA’s probably loved when their assignment was babysitting me and not digging through the garbage for a lost earring. One of those PA’s is now the head writer for WWE wrestling. But I don’t take all the credit.

Did either of them ever make an appearance on any of your shows ... and, if not, would they have wanted to do so on any show in particular?

Matt and I were not allowed to be in any of my father’s shows when we were young. My mother wisely decided that we should have normal childhoods.

Dad directed an episode of Dharma & Greg that involved shooting in San Francisco, and he brought my brother up north with him. While they were there Matt was an extra in a huge crowd scene. Dad decided (unwisely) not to tell me assuming that I would never notice. He did not take into consideration my powers of observation. In a crowd of one thousand people, I instantly saw my brother. Yes, I’m good at Where’s Waldo too.

Our names also make appearances in my dad’s shows. In the pilot of Big Wave Daves, the three guys meet at “Matt’s Bar.” Indignant seven-year-old that I was, I told my father that this was completely unfair and that in his next show he needed to use my name. My father kept his promise and the first scene of Almost Perfect takes place in “Annie’s Restaurant.” That became the hang-out spot throughout the show. So my name is often seen in shots of the restaurant.

I don’t know that there’s any show I would have wanted to be on in particular. I’m sure any show would have been a lot of fun…except AfterMASH.

Did you ever "consult" them if you were writing "kid-centric" dialogue, to get a reality check?

He didn’t “consult” us when we were little kids, but he often consulted us when we were teenagers. Particularly with the use of the word “dude.” I can’t say that I was always a huge help. Going to a private high school in Brentwood didn’t really make me an Ebonics aficionado.

More often, my dad would ask me music questions. It usually went like this: “I need a song that is the modern day equivalent of ‘If You Wanna Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life/ Make an Ugly Woman Your Wife’” So I would search through my CD collection, and play him a bunch of different options until he found one he liked. Come to think of it, this still happens all the time.

Hope I covered everything.

--Annie

You absolutely did. Thanks again, Annie. I love you.

What's your question? And to whom?

The Real Don Steele

The Real Don Steele would have been 74 on April 1st. You've probably heard me talk of him before. He's one of my idols (American or otherwise).

He passed away on August 5, 1997. For thirty years The Real Don Steele ruled the Los Angeles airwaves, most notably on 93/KHJ “Boss Radio” in the 60’s and 70’s. Outrageous, electrifying, thrilling – that was Real on…and OFF the air. If you want to hear the greatest cookin’ jock to ever crack a mike in the heyday of top 40. You can check him out here.

Real also appeared in some highly prestigious films such as EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000 (starring Sylvester Stallone), ROCK N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and Ron Howard’s first directing effort, GRAND THEFT AUTO. Television credits are equally as impressive: TALES FROM THE CRYPT and HERE COMES THE BRIDES.

I had the pleasure of working with him at two radio stations, K100 and TenQ in LA in the 70’s. He also fell off my couch stinking drunk one night and my wife still invited him to dinner again.

His catch phrase was “Tina Delgado is alive, ALIVE!” shouted by some unknown frenzied girl. No one ever knew the story behind it. Who Tina Degado was. How he came to use it. Even what the hell it meant. But it didn’t matter. It was all part of the excitement this larger-than-life personality created for “the magnificent megalopolis of Boss Angeles” three hours every day…and especially on “Fractious Fridays”.

Every year on his birthday, April 1st, I wish that maybe his passing is just an April’s Fool joke. That would be so like him. And at 3:00 I could turn on the radio, “Devil with a Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder would come blazing out of my speaker and I would hear “The Real Don Steele is alive, ALIVE!”

He is in my heart. And always will be.

AMERICAN WHITEL

It was “Soul and R&B” week on “American Idol” as performed by the New Christy Minstrels. A high school girl from Middlebury, Connecticut taking on Aretha; another high schooler getting down with Bill Withers. I’m surprised the celebrity mentor wasn’t R&B legend, Kristin Chenoweth.

The mentor they did use, Usher, gave some really good advice – when he wasn’t staring at the kids in disbelief. The one tip he forgot to impart was always lock your car when you have over a million dollars of jewelry in it. Big Mike said Usher is “one of the greatest performers they’ve ever had” to which my daughter Annie chimed in, “Big deal! The only other one was Miley Cyrus!”

In general I wasn’t thrilled with the song selection. There are so many incredible soul and R&B tunes to choose from. How could no one do “the Oogum Boogum Song” or “Papa Oom-Mow-Mow” or at least “I Sold My Heart to the Junkman”? Who’s guiding these people?

Siobhan Magnus got it started. She always looks so cute in rehearsal with her big mousy glasses and tousled hair. But then on show night she transforms into that strange girl in school only the foreign exchange student will speak to. Last night she was Boy George. Siobhan had an off-week with “Through the Fire”. And that last screechy note is overkill on the level of an Oliver Stone movie.

Smilin’ Casey James did Sam & Dave’s “Hold On, I’m Coming”. In rehearsal smilin' Casey had a tough time remembering the words. But he was a champ on show night and nailed it, even getting the ultra tricky: “Hold on, I’m coming. Hold on, I’m a coming”.

Big Mike Lynche sang a beautiful rendition of “Ready For Love”. Randy was impressed that Mike “showed his sensitive side.” Huh? What other side does Mike have???

Didi Benami tried a Joan Osbourne version of “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted”. Her performance reminded me of that “Sopranos” episode where they shot Phil Leotardo to death and then crushed his skull under a tire.

Tim Urban wasn’t much better. I used to think it was amazing that cockroaches could survive a nuclear blast but Tim has them beat.

Andrew Garcia did well singing “Forever”. But then Simon said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re boring.” Uh, what exactly is the right way to take “you’re boring”? Simon, don’t take this the wrong way but you’re an egotistical asshole. Oh, wait… he would find that a compliment.

Little Katie Stevens tackled Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools”. She’s got a strong voice but come on. When she sang the line, “For five long years you were my man” I thought, “So, like what? He’s been your man since you were twelve?”

The best was saved for last (except for Aaron). Lee Dewyze kicked ass on “Treat Her Like a Lady”, and for my money the performance of the night was Crystal Bowersox singing “Midnight Train to Georgia”. Wow. Last night she proved that not only could she sing without a guitar, she could sing while wearing stilettos! Crystal is starting to distance herself from the pack.

Rachael Maddow doppelganger, Aaron Kelly wrapped up the night with Bill Withers' “Anal Sunshine When You’re Gone”, or at least that’s what it sounded like he was singing.

The overall problem was that none of these kids were in their element this week. Let them have “Afterschool Rock” week and see how they blow the doors down.

The worst, most appalling attempt at a joke EVER

A local anchor on WMUR in New Hampshire said this on a recent newscast: “A Democratic State Representative from Manchester is under fire for posting a comment on Facebook that could be deemed as insensitive towards the Japanese heritage.”

Rep. Nick Levasseur posted: "Anime is a prime example of why two nukes just wasn't enough," on Facebook.”

Uh, COULD be deemed as insensitive? You mean if looked at in just the right light saying more people should have been nuked because of a cartoon art form is inappropriate? HOLY SHIT!!

I’m going to go waaaaay out on a limb here and say yes, that was an incredibly asinine hateful and even insensitive remark. And even though I’m a Democrat, if all you Republicans want to pile on this blithering idiot be my guest.

Levasseur claims he said it in jest and posted it only to his private Facebook friends. Well, first of all, a brief lesson in comedy: The letter K: funny. Mass extermination of foreign cultures: not funny. If you cannot distinguish between these two examples never try to get a laugh again.

And by the way, what’s wrong with Anime? I like Anime. What did Pokemon ever do to you?

The other point, and this goes for everyone out there – when you post something on Facebook or Twitter, even if it’s to your private collection of friends, you are BROADCASTING IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!! Be smart. Do not say something even Mel Gibson would find offensive. Do not rip your boss, your company, or your fellow employees. Do not upload photos of any body parts Xeroxed the night of the Christmas party. It gets back to management. Every time.

Another example is Chicago White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen’s son Oney. He had to resign from working in the team’s video department for Tweets such as: "I hope the dorks aren't running the organization or else were fucked. 3 geeks who never played baseball a day in there [sic] life telling experts what to do." The dorks took issue.

Oney (who names their kid Oney?) isn’t the first huckleberry to lose his job because of tweets and status updates that are too candid. And it goes beyond that. I know an unfortunate guy who lost his job because a fellow employee tore someone at work a new asshole and he merely clicked “I like this”.

You never know who’s out there.

And while I’m on the subject of Facebook, is this horrible etiquette? I get twenty requests a day to join clubs, attend events, sign up for causes, or become a “fan” of someone. I click no to practically all of them. Why would I want to become a fan of some radio station in New Mexico I’ve never heard of? Why would I want to join a club that collects Denny’s menus? Who thinks I’d fly to Cleveland to attend Andrew Dice Clay’s one night performance at the Laff Loft (knowing full well he’ll do the anime nuke joke)? I certainly don’t mean to offend my “friends” who are kind enough to send me these invitations but I don’t have the time and I don’t care. Fergie has enough fans. I don’t save toilet paper rolls.

As for Twitter, just like there’s a limit on the number of words you can use for a single tweet, there should be a limit on the number of times you can tweet during any 24-hour period. No one is interesting enough to hear from fifty times a day. Even celebrities. Especially celebrities. When you sign up for my Twitter account (and please do!!) I promise never to tell you when I got up, what I had for breakfast, or what mood I’m in. Okay, I will report when I take my Pred Forte eye drops but that’s something you want to know.

David Mamet's brilliant memo on drama

I discovered this extraordinary memo from David Mamet to the writers of THE UNIT, a series he created a few semesters back for CBS. (The origination of the memo seems to have come from Ink Canada. I discovered it through Movie Line.)

It is a simply brilliant essay on drama and writing in general. In fact, it’s pretty much all you need to know about writing drama. Excuse that it’s written in caps. I didn’t want to change a single letter.
“TO THE WRITERS OF THE UNIT

GREETINGS.

AS WE LEARN HOW TO WRITE THIS SHOW, A RECURRING PROBLEM BECOMES CLEAR.

THE PROBLEM IS THIS: TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN DRAMA AND NON-DRAMA. LET ME BREAK-IT-DOWN-NOW.

EVERYONE IN CREATION IS SCREAMING AT US TO MAKE THE SHOW CLEAR. WE ARE TASKED WITH, IT SEEMS, CRAMMING A SHITLOAD OF INFORMATION INTO A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.

OUR FRIENDS. THE PENGUINS, THINK THAT WE, THEREFORE, ARE EMPLOYED TO COMMUNICATE INFORMATION — AND, SO, AT TIMES, IT SEEMS TO US.

BUT NOTE:THE AUDIENCE WILL NOT TUNE IN TO WATCH INFORMATION. YOU WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T. NO ONE WOULD OR WILL. THE AUDIENCE WILL ONLY TUNE IN AND STAY TUNED TO WATCH DRAMA.

QUESTION:WHAT IS DRAMA? DRAMA, AGAIN, IS THE QUEST OF THE HERO TO OVERCOME THOSE THINGS WHICH PREVENT HIM FROM ACHIEVING A SPECIFIC, ACUTE GOAL.

SO: WE, THE WRITERS, MUST ASK OURSELVES OF EVERY SCENE THESE THREE QUESTIONS.

1) WHO WANTS WHAT?
2) WHAT HAPPENS IF HER DON’T GET IT?
3) WHY NOW?

THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS ARE LITMUS PAPER. APPLY THEM, AND THEIR ANSWER WILL TELL YOU IF THE SCENE IS DRAMATIC OR NOT.

IF THE SCENE IS NOT DRAMATICALLY WRITTEN, IT WILL NOT BE DRAMATICALLY ACTED.

THERE IS NO MAGIC FAIRY DUST WHICH WILL MAKE A BORING, USELESS, REDUNDANT, OR MERELY INFORMATIVE SCENE AFTER IT LEAVES YOUR TYPEWRITER. YOU THE WRITERS, ARE IN CHARGE OF MAKING SURE EVERY SCENE IS DRAMATIC.

THIS MEANS ALL THE “LITTLE” EXPOSITIONAL SCENES OF TWO PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD. THIS BUSHWAH (AND WE ALL TEND TO WRITE IT ON THE FIRST DRAFT) IS LESS THAN USELESS, SHOULD IT FINALLY, GOD FORBID, GET FILMED.

IF THE SCENE BORES YOU WHEN YOU READ IT, REST ASSURED IT WILL BORE THE ACTORS, AND WILL, THEN, BORE THE AUDIENCE, AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE BACK IN THE BREADLINE.

SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE THE SCENE DRAMATIC. IT IS NOT THE ACTORS JOB (THE ACTORS JOB IS TO BE TRUTHFUL). IT IS NOT THE DIRECTORS JOB. HIS OR HER JOB IS TO FILM IT STRAIGHTFORWARDLY AND REMIND THE ACTORS TO TALK FAST. IT IS YOUR JOB.

EVERY SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC. THAT MEANS: THE MAIN CHARACTER MUST HAVE A SIMPLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD, PRESSING NEED WHICH IMPELS HIM OR HER TO SHOW UP IN THE SCENE.

THIS NEED IS WHY THEY CAME. IT IS WHAT THE SCENE IS ABOUT. THEIR ATTEMPT TO GET THIS NEED MET WILL LEAD, AT THE END OF THE SCENE,TO FAILURE - THIS IS HOW THE SCENE IS OVER. IT, THIS FAILURE, WILL, THEN, OF NECESSITY, PROPEL US INTO THE NEXT SCENE.

ALL THESE ATTEMPTS, TAKEN TOGETHER, WILL, OVER THE COURSE OF THE EPISODE, CONSTITUTE THE PLOT.

ANY SCENE, THUS, WHICH DOES NOT BOTH ADVANCE THE PLOT, AND STANDALONE (THAT IS, DRAMATICALLY, BY ITSELF, ON ITS OWN MERITS) IS EITHER SUPERFLUOUS, OR INCORRECTLY WRITTEN.

YES BUT YES BUT YES BUT, YOU SAY: WHAT ABOUT THE NECESSITY OF WRITING IN ALL THAT “INFORMATION?”

AND I RESPOND “FIGURE IT OUT” ANY DICKHEAD WITH A BLUESUIT CAN BE (AND IS) TAUGHT TO SAY “MAKE IT CLEARER”, AND “I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM”.

WHEN YOU’VE MADE IT SO CLEAR THAT EVEN THIS BLUESUITED PENGUIN IS HAPPY, BOTH YOU AND HE OR SHE WILL BE OUT OF A JOB.

THE JOB OF THE DRAMATIST IS TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. NOT TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT JUST HAPPENED, OR TO*SUGGEST* TO THEM WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

ANY DICKHEAD, AS ABOVE, CAN WRITE, “BUT, JIM, IF WE DON’T ASSASSINATE THE PRIME MINISTER IN THE NEXT SCENE, ALL EUROPE WILL BE ENGULFED IN FLAME”

WE ARE NOT GETTING PAID TO REALIZE THAT THE AUDIENCE NEEDS THIS INFORMATION TO UNDERSTAND THE NEXT SCENE, BUT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WRITE THE SCENE BEFORE US SUCH THAT THE AUDIENCE WILL BE INTERESTED IN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

YES BUT, YES BUT YES BUT YOU REITERATE.

AND I RESPOND FIGURE IT OUT.

HOW DOES ONE STRIKE THE BALANCE BETWEEN WITHHOLDING AND VOUCHSAFING INFORMATION? THAT IS THE ESSENTIAL TASK OF THE DRAMATIST. AND THE ABILITY TO DO THAT IS WHAT SEPARATES YOU FROM THE LESSER SPECIES IN THEIR BLUE SUITS.

FIGURE IT OUT.

START, EVERY TIME, WITH THIS INVIOLABLE RULE: THE SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC. it must start because the hero HAS A PROBLEM, AND IT MUST CULMINATE WITH THE HERO FINDING HIM OR HERSELF EITHER THWARTED OR EDUCATED THAT ANOTHER WAY EXISTS.

LOOK AT YOUR LOG LINES. ANY LOGLINE READING “BOB AND SUE DISCUSS…” IS NOT DESCRIBING A DRAMATIC SCENE.

PLEASE NOTE THAT OUR OUTLINES ARE, GENERALLY, SPECTACULAR. THE DRAMA FLOWS OUT BETWEEN THE OUTLINE AND THE FIRST DRAFT.

THINK LIKE A FILMMAKER RATHER THAN A FUNCTIONARY, BECAUSE, IN TRUTH, YOU ARE MAKING THE FILM. WHAT YOU WRITE, THEY WILL SHOOT.

HERE ARE THE DANGER SIGNALS. ANY TIME TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

ANY TIME ANY CHARACTER IS SAYING TO ANOTHER “AS YOU KNOW”, THAT IS, TELLING ANOTHER CHARACTER WHAT YOU, THE WRITER, NEED THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

DO NOT WRITE A CROCK OF SHIT. WRITE A RIPPING THREE, FOUR, SEVEN MINUTE SCENE WHICH MOVES THE STORY ALONG, AND YOU CAN, VERY SOON, BUY A HOUSE IN BEL AIR AND HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE THERE FOR YOU.

REMEMBER YOU ARE WRITING FOR A VISUAL MEDIUM. MOST TELEVISION WRITING, OURS INCLUDED, SOUNDS LIKE RADIO. THE CAMERA CAN DO THE EXPLAINING FOR YOU. LET IT. WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERS DOING -*LITERALLY*. WHAT ARE THEY HANDLING, WHAT ARE THEY READING. WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING ON TELEVISION, WHAT ARE THEY SEEING.

IF YOU PRETEND THE CHARACTERS CANT SPEAK, AND WRITE A SILENT MOVIE, YOU WILL BE WRITING GREAT DRAMA.

IF YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF THE CRUTCH OF NARRATION, EXPOSITION,INDEED, OF SPEECH. YOU WILL BE FORGED TO WORK IN A NEW MEDIUM - TELLING THE STORY IN PICTURES (ALSO KNOWN AS SCREENWRITING)

THIS IS A NEW SKILL. NO ONE DOES IT NATURALLY. YOU CAN TRAIN YOURSELVES TO DO IT, BUT YOU NEED TO START.

I CLOSE WITH THE ONE THOUGHT: LOOK AT THE SCENE AND ASK YOURSELF “IS IT DRAMATIC? IS IT ESSENTIAL? DOES IT ADVANCE THE PLOT?

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.

IF THE ANSWER IS “NO” WRITE IT AGAIN OR THROW IT OUT. IF YOU’VE GOT ANY QUESTIONS, CALL ME UP.

LOVE, DAVE MAMET
SANTA MONICA 19 OCTO 05

(IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW THE ANSWERS, BUT IT IS YOUR, AND MY, RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW AND TO ASK THE RIGHT Questions OVER AND OVER. UNTIL IT BECOMES SECOND NATURE. I BELIEVE THEY ARE LISTED ABOVE.)”