Sunday, April 11, 2010

The 2010 AVN Adult industry awards -- my review

Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year!

WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal” are revealed.

The evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because “He likes to have sex with women.”

Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?

Also co-hosting was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment, “Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.

One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”

Sasha Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.

Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.

Dave Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.

Kagney Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same ceremony.

Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist. Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”

Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”

I'm not making any of this up. Honest.

Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.

Performing anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.

There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??

I did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??

Sunny Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great, although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never gets that kind of great information out of the stars.

I love who gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said, “Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans. “You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.” When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?

Several awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed… “Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5, “Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,

One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??

But my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award. One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still remember his lines.”

Poetry. Sheer poetry.

For more of of my look into the enchanting world of adult entertainment, here is my review of Porn Star Karaoke from a few years ago.

31 comments:

rob! said...

And yet none of the night's winners will have to endure the news that Jesse James is cheating on them.

Debby G said...

After reading your blog post I feel like I need a shower-- with the pizza delivery guy and my great dane.

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

I think that the most challenged generation to mature must be those early boomers who've had to endure the cultural spectrum of life from "Leave It to Beaver" to "The 2010 AVN Adult Industry Awards." I'm one of them.

My head hurts. Both of them.

John Royal said...

I'm ashamed to know this, but Dave Navarro is the former Mr. Carmen Electra. And Sasha Grey starred in that boring mainstraim film "The Girlfriend Experience." One of those serious/art films that Sodebergh likes to make between Danny Ocean movies.

Matt Patton said...

Because Jesse is probably cheating WITH most of tonight's winners . . .

Jerad said...

So... who won best actor?

Anonymous said...

What? No TIGER WOODS?!? Must be busy meditating religiously and practicing booty-ism whilst at The Masters.
You say Buddha, he says boot-ay.

YEKIMI said...

This is the only awards show where if someone tells you "You're really fucked now!"....it is taken as a compliment.

Paul said...

Actually, Dava Navarro is the legendary guitarist who played with Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nine Inch Nails, Jane's Addiction, and Guns N' Roses.

Mac said...

"what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??"

Her co-stars' wristwatch. That's what drives the narrative each time; they keep returning to search for it.
Jeez Ken, can't you follow the plot?

gih said...

I am so excited with its video. :-)

l.a.guy said...

"...early boomers who've had to endure the cultural spectrum of life from "Leave It to Beaver" to..." There's a joke in there but I going to resist.

Navarro was also married to soul mate Carmen Electra which astonishingly only lasted 3 years. Actually Navarro's had an interesting life including the murder of his mother, a one time Late's Make a Deal model, who's murdered was located thanks to a tip from an America's Most Wanted viewer. Only in Hollywood, but I digress...

Personally I find the AVN Awards tortuously unwatchable, like the cast of Showgirls come to life. I was amused, for the 5 minutes I could watch, by the trappings of "real" award shows-- video packages, music, staging, albeit on a smaller budget. That I could live with, it's the award acceptance speeches that make me want to pack my bags for Gitmo.

You're a braver man than I Ken Levine.

kyle said...

some of your best work, ken-- sweeps-worthy
big fan of this one

Ian said...

No, Sam Rubin doesn't elicit those kinds of comments, but he does double-tape.

Tom Quigley said...

..."Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”...

I'm amazed her speech was even that long... The poor girl can barely get anything out of her mouth....

Charles H. Bryan said...

Those aliens on "V" that people want to get rid of? Just take them to this show -- not even reptiles would want to be on the same planet as this stuff. Anna the Hive Queen will be on the other side of the Andromeda Galaxy before she stops vomiting. Or laughing. Or both.

(I'm happy that I kept Uranus out of this post.)

Tod Hunter said...

Oh jeez, hilarious.

I've been in the adult industry as a reporter and reviewer for 12 years and you nailed it.

Thanks for giving the AVN awards the same respect you give the Golden Globes and the Oscars.
===========
Outin: a state of sexual ambiguity. e.g. Anne Heche, Elton John during his marriage

Will Teullive said...

Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”

I am guessing either Lucky or Tiger.

John Pearley Huffman said...

Are you arguing there's no qualitative difference between anal scenes? That one act of oral sex is almost indistinguishable from any other? That it the distinction between a so-so gang bang and a great one is ineffable?

Just because you don't appreciate the subtleties doesn't mean they aren't real!

Jeffrey Leonard said...

Ken, this is your best one yet. I can't stop laughing...

A. Buck Short said...

(Because AVN may not be tasteless enough on its own.) Imagined quote of the evening, Lexi Belle and Tori Black caught in mutual fistation delecto at the after party: “It’s for The Discovery Channel. There are still 4 miners missing.”

Thanks for the Form 1040 respite. Although still not enough to warrant springing for even basic cable. You have, however, finally provided a shot at getting one long-dormant connubial request greenlighted. If only I could think of another way of proposing “The anal sex diet.”

And to be fair, sandblast Mr. Navarro and I’m pretty sure you get something mighty close to Russell Brand.

Tom Quigley said...

Several other awards I could envision:

Best Makeup and Special Effects: "The Elephant Man"

Best script based on a non-fictional source: "Letters to Penthouse"

Best script based on a fictional source: "Letters to Penthouse"

Best Lesbian Group Sex: "Julie and Julia -- and Juliet -- and Jewel -- and June -- and Joan -- and Jeanne -- and Jasmine (and so on...)"

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

What, no In Memoriam? I picture a montage of still-living geezers who can't get it up anymore.

I saw this show many years ago and loved it. Wish I'd known it was going to be on. Maybea heads up next time, Ken. No pun, etc...

J S Swanson said...

For several years, I used to work across the street from Evan Stone's Living/Working space. Some of the women I worked with called him Fabio Jr (this was during his Bonan the Barbarian phase .. Don't aks me how I know this, thank you)until he cut his hair - I think because he did an X rated Star Trek themed flick where he was Captain Kirk. Seemed like a nice enough guy, actually ....

umbriago said...

Well I learn something everytime I visit here. You can't eat for 24 hours before doing an anal scene?

"So, is she enjoying herself?"
"No. Plus, she's really hungry."

Michael Zand said...

Sasha Grey won for best anal?!! Puhleeze! Tori Black was ROBBED!!

Anonymous said...

yes Ken, we get it, you're old and you're shocked by unconventional things and people. Grow up already.

norm!!!! said...

Dear Tom Quigley and Ken Levine:
I have never experienced Anal. Never have and never will. Poop is poop, after all.
I DID watch the debut pornography film of one Paris Hilton. Zzzzzzzzzzz.... boring!!!
Something tells me Paris could learn soemthing from the fine actors celebrated at the 2010 AVN Adult Industry Awards.

D. McEwan said...

I forget that there are people who make porn videos with women in them. Amazing. I can't think of anything that can ruin porn faster than having a woman in it. Ew.

I did attend the GAVYN Awards one year, a few years back, the seperate-but-equal event that presents the Gay Adult Video News Awards. The only woman present was Chi Chi LaRue, and he's no woman. Great evening. Really fun, and where else can you meet scads of people who, despite being total strangers you've never met before, are nonetheless people you've watched have sex, some of them many times? "Wow. I love your work, and that tattoo on your dick." And it was, to put it mildly, unpretentious.

Women in porn. The weird things people do nowadays.

escortguide dk said...

Nice Band review!!it is taken as a compliment!

Kip Noxzema said...

Great post, Ken.

I would want to skip the show and go straight to an After Party; any hetero one would do.

That's where memories are made.