Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year!
WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal” are revealed.
The evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because “He likes to have sex with women.”
Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?
Also co-hosting was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment, “Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.
One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.
Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”
Sasha Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.
Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.
Dave Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.
Kagney Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same ceremony.
Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist. Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”
Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”
I'm not making any of this up. Honest.
Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.
Performing anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.
There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??
I did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??
Sunny Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great, although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never gets that kind of great information out of the stars.
I love who gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said, “Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans. “You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.” When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?
Several awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed… “Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5, “Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,
One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??
But my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award. One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still remember his lines.”
Poetry. Sheer poetry.
For more of of my look into the enchanting world of adult entertainment, here is my review of Porn Star Karaoke from a few years ago.