Dancing with the REAL Stars

Check out this amazing video. Don't know who did the editing but he/she/they did a fantastic job.

The live 30 ROCK

Anytime a show breaks format it’s a big risk. On MASH we did it from time to time. When my writing partner, David and I pitched the “Point of View” concept to producers we told them it would either be the best or worst show of the year.  But we took these chances primarily because we were in a format that was completely locked-in to a time and place. All other sitcoms could naturally evolve. Characters could move into new apartments, get married, divorced, have kids. We asked to audience to believe that eleven years of shows all took place in one calendar year. So to shake things up we broke the format (usually once a season). By the way, credit Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds for coming up with that.

On the other hand, the 30 ROCK live show was a ratings stunt. I can’t imagine Tina Fey feeling the urge to completely re-imagine her successful Emmy-winning show just cause she was creatively curious. A likelier scenario was NBC coming to her begging if she’d do this because they really needed help launching OUTSOURCED.

So it was more of a Mission Impossible assignment. And as such I thought Tina & everyone did an amazing job. Not only did they manage to pull it off live without any real hitch (at least on the West Coast) but the episode they staged was very ambitious. Yes, it was a little uneven, but Jesus, that’s like criticizing Evil Knievel for not landing smoothly when he jumped the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle.

When I saw the first scene with Liz and Jack just talking in an office, not even moving, I thought – what a cheat this is going to be. But then the show really took off.

There were ingenious touches like flashbacks with Julia Louise-Dryefus playing Liz, topical references (I hope Brett Favre was watching), and the Tracy subplot dealing with “breaking” in a live show. Normally I hate when characters know they’re in a comedy but in this case it really worked. Tina took full advantage of the conceit. And had there been a major screw up and everybody broke up it would have made no difference. We still would have loved it at home. It was brilliant insurance.

I actually found myself laughing more at this 30 ROCK episode than in most lately. So do it again next week, Tina! (What I’d really like to see is HAWAII 5-0 done live.)

I’ve seen a number of articles marvel at how Tina made changes and tweaked some jokes for the West Coast live version. Uh… that’s what we DO. On any multi-camera show we have a dress rehearsal in the afternoon, change some things, shoot the show in front of the audience, pause and generally re-shoot scenes with some new jokes, and even after the audience leaves we go back and revise some more jokes or moments.

Also remember, Tina comes from SNL. She’s hardly a stranger to live shows and the format.

Anyway, kudos to Tina Fey and everyone associated with 30 ROCK for an impossible mission well done. If you want tips on doing the POV episode just give me a call. February Sweeps are coming up.

The writing job I regret not accepting

Friday questions comin' at ya.  For new readers, every Friday I answer your questions.  Just leave 'em in the comments section.  

UPDATE:  A lot of you have asked me about last night's live 30 ROCK.  I'll talk about it tomorrow.  Preview:  I liked it.

Michael has two:

1) Any writing jobs do you regret not accepting?

We were offered the job to write the COSBY pilot but had to turn it down because AfterMASH had gotten picked up for a second season and we were still locked in. That was good for ten years therapy.  I still can't see a multi-colored sweater without bursting into tears. 

Otherwise, there were some new shows that offered us a guarantee of 13 episodes and were canceled after 3,  meaning they had to just pay us off for the remaining ten.   We missed some golden opportunities there.

And then of course, walking away from comedy goddess Traci Lords. 

2) When you wrote for The Simpsons, did you approach it like a live-action show or did you try to include things that only could be done in animation?

We did treat it as live-action because the characters had to have real emotions. The animation part allowed us tremendous freedom and we tried to take advantage of that – doing scenes you couldn’t do (or afford) otherwise, but in our heads we were writing live-action.

 If you overheard any of our internal discussions about the characters you would think we were talking about real people -- damaged real people but real just the same.

But that’s just us. I can’t speak for any other SIMPSONS writers (who are all welcome to chime in).  

sophomorecritic wonders:

How do you ensure writers aren't slacking off on weeks where they're not writing the episode? What specifically are they doing on weeks when the show isn't written by them?

We put ankle bracelets on them and monitor their whereabouts at all times.  Those bitches work for us!

Seriously, when you’re on staff of a show your day is spent in the writers room with everybody else – coming up with notions, breaking stories, rewriting this week’s show, re-writing next week’s. Depending on the show and team of the season, sometime if you’ve got a script assignment they let you skip your room responsibilities and just go off and write the draft. But more often than not you have to write the script on your own time.  So the 80 hour week becomes a 100 hour week.  And that's fine if the show goes into syndication and you get residuals forever.  If you killed yourself to write that HANK episode I'm sorry. 

Here’s one from Jose:

Do tv writers typically get paid weekly, bi-weekly, or?
this is for a small beat in my 30 Rock spec.
i didn't know how to look this up. thanks

They get paid LATE most of the time. That’s the real answer. If you’re on staff you’re generally paid so much per episode. That’s totaled and rationed out every two weeks. But I’m sure different studios have different pay schedules.

The only thing they all do is pay you late. Or not at all.

In going back through contracts my agent recently discovered that David and I were still owed money from a pilot we sold four years ago. “Oops”, the studio said.

And finally, from Anonymous: (please leave a name when asking a question. It won’t go on your police record.)

What I'm curious about now is whether you have had to wade through eccentricity more often than not. In interacting with the actors and directors and producers - and hey maybe writers too - would you say that there are more eccentrics working in the biz or that they are the exception?

Eccentricities are certainly tolerated more in this industry than others. The creative process is nebulous at best. But for the most part everyone is just normally neurotic and crazy.

As for eccentricities: There was a writer who could only work in the valley. He couldn’t go into Los Angeles. So he could never work at 20th or Sony or Paramount or pitch HBO or SHOWTIME or FOX.  Needless to say, his agent was thrilled.

I know actors who don’t like to make eye contact with anyone. Others who have to be the last one to enter the stage before a runthrough (but that’s just diva shit).

My favorite was a certain TV director. She directed multi-camera shows. Directors have a podium to set down their scripts. The podium is always on wheels so you can roll it from scene to scene.

This director had her own. She had a hobby horse built with a music stand for the script. All day long she sat on this hobby horse and rolled around the set.  It's like Annie Oakley rides in to save your show.

What’s your question?

The random shots I've been taking in the blogosphere

Wow! With this Aaron Sorkin thing going viral I’ve been mentioned in any number of other websites. What an honor to see what other people are writing about me and just how well respected I am in the cyber community.

For the past 24 hours the film blog water cooler has been populated with chatter about Aaron Sorkin‘s response to the sexism criticisms against “The Social Network.” But I was very skeptical, for a few reasons. Even after I was told the blog belonged to a fellow TV writer it still didn’t make sense to me… Why would anyone feel the need to defend his work, let alone actually do so, on a relatively random Blogspot blog, to another commenter on that blog?

Random blog! Yes!!!

He finally chimed in on the comments section of Ken Levine's TV blog, of all places,

Of all places! What could make me feel more special than that?

Social Network writer Aaron Sorkin recently responded to criticism in the comments section of a small blog,

This person didn’t identify me but when you think “small blog” you naturally think of me.

When Ken Levine wrote his review of 'The Social Network,' he might not have expected Aaron Sorkin, the writer of the movie, would be one of his commenters. More importantly (and strangely), Sorkin chose this outlet to respond to the complaints about how women were portrayed in 'The Social Network,'

Yeah, when you think of strange occurrences, what could be more bizarre than someone of note contributing to this site?

Okay, to be 1000% honest, I'm not at all mad.  I find this whole experience hilarious.  All part of the viral ride and I'm enjoying every minute of it... even the ignominious ones.  

And hey, I may not have ten million people but you’re reading this. And that’s good enough for me.

Can a sitcom be edgy and sweet at the same time?

The LA TIMES “Calendar” section ran an article Tuesday maintaining that today’s newer comedies like RAISING HOPE and COMMUNITY, even though they’re edgy, also want to feature warm emotional moments. And that’s fine except for one thing – you’ve got to earn it.

Otherwise you’re WILL & GRACE. Every week they would do twenty minutes of sheer burlesque then suddenly switch gears and have this overly schmaltzy moment. The audience (or laugh machine) would go “Awwwwwww”, there’d be a big hug, one more tit joke for luck and “that’s our show for tonight folks!”

Those emotional moments always felt completely bogus. Why? Because the characters were cartoons and suddenly they were asked to be real.

You can’t have both.

Nothing wrong with mounting a very funny show set in an exaggerated world but then be true to that.

Emotional moments land because you care about the characters. You have empathy for their dilemmas. You can relate to them. And to achieve that your show must be grounded in at least some reality.

I love COMMUNITY. I even watch it this year over BIG BANG THEORY. I find it very funny and fresh. But when show creator Dan Harmon says in the article he wants to have those periodic emotional moments along with the laughs I say that's not going to be easy. The tone he’s created goes counter to that. His characters know they’re in a comedy. They’re very self-conscious of everything they say and do. How do they stop and suddenly become genuine?

Thanks to Alison Brie we can see the difference between a real vs. exaggerated character. Compare her “Trudy” in MAD MEN to her “Annie” in COMMUNITY. Both are wonderful characters but don’t expect Trudy to deliver you big laughs and don’t depend on Annie to tear your heart out.

Greg Garcia, creator of RAISING HOPE, also wants to integrate emotion with edgy comedy and I believe he can pull it off. A low life family having to raise a baby is a very real predicament. And depending on just how extreme the characters are it seems entirely plausible that they are capable of genuine sentiment.

One key is never sacrificing the integrity of your characters just for the sake of a joke. Yeah, it might get a big laugh but if it damages the audience’s perception of the character it’s not worth it.

Another new show that gives lip service to wanting to include emotion is RUNNING WILDE but that show is so stylized it’s ridiculous to even discuss it.

The only sitcom of the new crop that does pull off it off consistently is MODERN FAMILY. But it’s also the most grounded. I get the sense that these other shows wanted to establish themselves comedically first where as MODERN FAMILY placed a high value on emotion right from the get-go. But that’s just my speculation.

And by emotional moments I mean just “moments”. None of these shows are looking to become LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE for the last five minutes. No one is seeing if they can get clearance on Celine Dion songs.  I’m a huge believer that less is more. When David Isaacs and I wrote the “Goodbye Radar” episode of MASH, having Hawkeye and B.J. just find Radar’s teddy bear on Hawkeye’s bunk seemed so preferable to a long tear-filled farewell pathos-fest.

Quick side note: When George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart wrote plays and musicals together Kaufman hated any sentimentality whatsoever but recognized it was necessary. So whenever there was an emotional moment or scene he just walked out of the room and let Hart write it.

The bottom line is I applaud any show runner who wants to add depth and dimension to his show. As Greg Garcia said in the article, “I don’t want to do a show that’s just outrageous and funny things and shocking things and at the end of the day it’s like, ‘OK, that was funny, but do I want to watch that again?’ It’s important to me to have some heart and emotion to it.”

I read that and thought, now I’m really rooting for the show. But you know me, I’m just an old softy… when I’m not ripping Bristol Palin, Katherine Heigl, award shows, movie previews, cheesy reality shows, Paula Abdul, Hugh Hefner, Traci Lords, Jeff Zucker, Fox News, Claudine Longet, satellite radio, parades, Las Vegas, Ann Coulter, National Anthem singers, museums, myself, Scientology, Tim McCarver, Jay Leno, Celine Dion, Time-Warner, or WILL & GRACE.

The response to Aaron Sorkin's response

A million thanks again to Aaron Sorkin for responding to a commenter and causing my blog to go viral for the first time ever. And yes, it really was Aaron Sorkin. THE WRAP confirmed it with his publicist.

This is all very unexpected – this viral thing. Like I said, it never happens to me – even when I give insightful writing advice or review Pornstar Karaoke. I guess I could address the misogyny charges on VOLUNTEERS but a) there weren’t any and b) no one gives a crap about VOLUNTEERS.

Meanwhile, quite a few websites and blogs alerted their readers to Aaron’s Sunday essay.  My thanks to all of them.  One couldn’t believe that Sorkin would respond on “some little guy’s blog”.  Oh be still my heart!

Most sites graciously linked back to me but a few like MSN just cheerfully reprinted the entire post with no link, which is a real breach of cyber etiquette. At first I was quite angry but then I saw that their film critic hated the new Katherine Heigl movie so I’m cool.

This experience has illustrated the power of Twitter. I’ve been re-tweeted numerous times. And some have been very complimentary. Here’s my favorite:

But anyway, my traffic has skyrocketed and I just hope of the many thousands of new readers that six of you will come back maybe once.

Seriously though, I’m thrilled to provide the forum for this provocative discussion on the treatment of women in SOCIAL NETWORK. I must admit that when I saw the film I was not bothered by this issue. Hey, it’s not like the guys come off as saints either. For the most part they’re misogynistic, conniving, insensitive, disloyal, narcissistic assholes. They’re the LORD OF THE FLIES with hoodies or the CAA mailroom. And as for the infamous “Fuck Bus”, I saw that as merely reason 4,573,572 to hate those preppy scumbag bastards.

Also, in none of Aaron Sorkin’s other projects have I felt he had an axe to grind against women. To the contrary, characters on WEST WING like C.J. Cregg, Donna Moss, Amy Gardner, Ainsley Hayes, and Abigail Bartlett were depicted as smart, even gifted, and worthy of enormous respect. Compare Sorkin’s treatment of women to say Judd Apatow’s.  It's the difference between N.O.W. and the "He-Man Woman Hater's Club".

That said, I found a lot of the comments in response to Sorkin’s explanation quite illuminating and as compelling to read as the original piece. (of course I also had to weed through all the anonymous asshole idiots.) It’s a thorny issue. And you’ve come at it from all directions.

Are your arguments enough to make me change my mind? No. But they are enough for me to want to go back and see the movie a second time. So if nothing else, Mr. Sorkin, your responding on “a little guy’s blog” will add another $12 to your boxoffice gross (okay… $10. I go to matinees). And maybe after seeing SOCIAL NETWORK again in this new light I will feel differently. I’ll let you all know. But you’ll have to check back here. Nothing I say is ever going to go viral. If Pornstar Karaoke didn’t do it I’ve got zero chance.

My take on DANCING WITH THE STARS

This is going to be a rather bizarre recap of DANCING WITH THE STARS because it’s only the first time I’ve managed to sit through the whole two hours. But I know the show is insanely popular so felt it was time I saw for myself what all the hoopla was about.

First of all, I didn’t know half the “stars”. My first impulse was to feel really old and out of it but then I checked the bios. Kyle Massey? He’s on some Disney Channel show. Audrina Patridge? She’s appeared on THE HILLS and is listed as a “TV personality”. Okay. So it’s not like Angelina Jolie is on the show and I’ve never heard of her. Audrina Patridge. I’m sorry, change the name to DANCING WITH THE QUASI CELEBRITIES.

I am familiar with the host, Tom Bergeron. How could I not be? He emcees every show that Ryan Seacrest doesn’t. But Ryan at least knows he’s not funny. Tom has this look on his face like “I’m so clever I even amaze myself” then delivers one clam after another.

Not being a dance aficionado, I don’t know the judges. Carrie Ann Whoever offered balanced constructive critiques. Although, to superstar Audrina Patridge she did say, “you lack energy at your ankle”. Huh??? Len Whoever was the token Brit (one is mandatory for all shows) who portrayed the proper English gentleman sprinkled with pixie dust. Bruno Whoever was just a sketch. Jerry Colonna meets Jerry Lewis. I don’t know what their credentials are but his must be entertainment director for Carnival cruise lines.

Once the contestants finished their dance they were interviewed backstage by Brooke Burke who is so stunningly gorgeous she even looked fabulous on the 11 PM news trying to explain that she and her live-in boyfriend didn’t knowingly buy stolen goods to swindle a high-end design store. Her mug shot will be more beautiful than any picture Bristol Palin will ever take.

Bristol Palin (Sarah’s daughter) was just a Clydesdale. On the show they billed her as “Teen Activist”. What the fuck is that? Why not just “Teen Excuse for Getting Her Mother Even More Publicity”? (Sarah was in the audience as was Jamie Lee Curtis who must be taking a break from grieving.)

I wouldn’t mind so much Bristol being a contestant if only she could dance. But clearly she can’t.

This was Tango/Rumba night or something. (One team did their routine to a Tango version of Jefferson Airplanes' "Somebody to Love".  Even on LSD that was wrong.)  Bristol’s dance began with her lying on the floor while her partner spun around and danced. When he finally pulled her up and they began dancing together it looked like a fireman pulling someone out of a burning building. Even Bruno LePew thought she was terrible. To distract the audience, her partner whipped off his shirt during the number. Len was ready to crown him the champion right there.

Almost as bad was the Situation. I guess they never taught dance in any of those tanning salons he frequents.

God bless Florence Henderson. She’s a good sport. But please, Flo, let us just remember you fondly as Mom Brady. You should be spending your time suing your plastic surgeon. But trying to do a sexy seductive dance? You’re 76. That was creepier than when Betty Draper found Glen in the backyard playhouse.

Former Laker Rick Fox was worried that the stage was too small and that he would throw his partner into the audience. That didn’t happen. I’m especially glad she didn’t wind up in Jamie Lee Curtis’ lap. When someone is sitting Shiva it’s best not to disturb them.

By far the best dancer of the night was Jennifer Grey. She was amazing! “Baby’s” still got it, even at 50.

There were nine dances in two hours so that meant a lottttt of paddddddding. We saw snippets of rehearsal filled with angst designed to build up the suspense. “Oh, I’ll never get it!” “Oh, my foot hurts.” “What’s a Rumba?”

And then there were those backstage interviews with Brooke Burke. The question I wish she asked all of them was, “Who are you again?” Or maybe, “Let’s say you bought a lot of designer furniture for $70,000 when it was normally much higher and paid the sales girl directly. You wouldn’t think there was anything shady about that, would you?” Instead it was the usual, “so how do you feel?” softballs. Zzzzz.

But it was fun watching these people clomp around trying to salvage their careers.  And the dresses for all the women under 75 (except Bristol Palin's) were very hot. 

Tonight someone gets voted off. I say vote them all off and just give Jennifer Grey her own show.

Next week is Rock Week.  Big deal.  But the week after is Pyrotechnics Week.   That I gotta see.  Bristol Palin shooting red, white, and blue sparklers out of her breasts.  I'm voting for her that week.

Comedy Writing 101 is back in session

I posted last night's SIMPSON'S opening but YouTube took it down.  So I took down the post. I hate when I can't post stuff I don't own. 

Thanks again to Aaron Sorkin for sharing his insights in the making of SOCIAL NETWORK.  Compared to that a half hour episode of comedy seems a little minimal but that's what I got.

Saturday I posted another episode of ALMOST PERFECT, the series I co-created with David Isaacs and Robin Schiff for CBS in 1995 and 1996. I’d like to think of it as “Cancelled but Helpful to Young Writers”. Here’s how “Overly Meditated” came to be.

Our best stories were the ones that serviced our overall theme – how does a young woman juggle work and a relationship when both are fulltime jobs? If you’re writing a spec of an existing show first determine its theme. Does your story address it? If no then toss it.

Contrast within a relationship helps create conflict so we made Mike very down-to-earth and Kim a bit of a princess. That also gave Nancy Travis (Kim) something to play. We had been looking for a story that explored this dichotomy when one fell right into our lap.

Robin had dinner one night with a friend, a high-powered executive in the television industry. This woman had been to a meditation retreat, which we all found astounding considering “the Lifestyle of the Rich & Famous” was her blueprint for life. I think six people in the room came up with same idea at once. “What if Kim went to a weekend meditation retreat?”

When we settle on a premise the next thing we do is figure how to get the most bang for our buck. What are the funniest obstacles we can create?

In this case: It’s very Spartan. No creature comforts. It’s in the high desert so it’s freezing. There’s no electricity. Everyone has to eat macrobiotic mush. They all must do chores. There are two-hour breathing exercises. These all seemed good but they weren’t enough. We needed a couple of things that really tested Kim’s resolve and gave us plenty of room for fun. I don’t remember who in the room came up with what but ultimately we arrived at two great things: There’s no talking for 48 hours, and there are no bathrooms. She would have to use an outhouse. Knowing this character, those were the two most impossible tasks she could ever face in this situation.

The thrust of the story was Kim being put to a test. And again, your main character must want something; want it very badly. Kim HAD to survive this weekend, both for her own well-being and to prove to Mike that she wasn’t a princess.

So we had a character with a strong motivation, a funny venue to put her in – we were now ready to plot out the story.

We never minded if a story was simple as long as the subject matter seemed fresh. If you’re doing a spec, dazzle them with how well you write not how well you can plot SLUETH. A big question we had here was what to do with the other characters? Should we have a B-story with the writers? We tossed around a few and decided just to bag it. Once you went to the retreat we felt you’d want to stay there and not jump back and forth between stories. Also, we wanted to take our time with the retreat story and not have to jam things in quickly to accommodate a B-story. So this week the guys were light. The cast understood that if they had little to do one week we would make sure they were heavy the next. If you’re writing a spec 30 ROCK or MODERN FAMILY you can get buried trying to service everyone. If a side character or two is light so be it. Also, the best specs center their stories on the stars. If you’re writing a COMMUNITY, don’t do a big Shirley story and give Jeff four lines.

Okay, time to beat out the story.

We thought we’d open at the office and establish that Kim is super stressed. Drop the problem in right away. The reader doesn’t want to read eight pages before he knows what the dilemma is. We looked for a way to do that visually so Kim didn’t have to just say what her issue was. The neck brace is actually a call-back to a previous episode where she got a stiff neck making love to Mike in a car. So we got some jokes out of that. We felt we needed two steps to get her to the retreat. None of the guys would ever suggest such a thing. But they would recommend a chiropractor. They convince her to go and there’s a little twist at the end where we see they had an ulterior motive for getting her out of there.

Then it’s off to the chiropractor’s office. Our first question is always “what’s her attitude?” We decided to have her enter very apprehensive and once the chiropractor works on her she does a flip and suddenly loves it. We made the chiropractor very New Age. Even if you have guest roles in your spec take a few minutes and give them personalities. Once the chiropractor has proven himself Kim is very receptive to his suggestions. We keep underscoring that this stressful lifestyle she is living will lead to serious problems if she doesn’t address it.

But why a retreat? Why would a princess who wouldn’t dream of doing something like that agree to it? These are the questions we are always asking. “Why would she do this?” “Wouldn’t she do that instead?” Be tough on yourself here. The key was that she wanted the fastest possible solution. So one weekend instead of weekly classes and changing her diet was ideal. Even though she was warned. This was important. If she went there and was surprised it wasn’t a luxury spa she’d just leave. Better that she knew it was going to be rugged but embraced that (or so she thought).

Okay, so now we had to get Mike on board.

We go to Kim’s kitchen that night. He enters. She’s already eating healthy food. Her attitude is enthusiasm. His is dismissive. He has no time for some tree hugging bullshit. To convince him to go we wanted to avoid guilting him into it, or pleading, or Kim getting angry. We’ve seen that a billion times. Instead she uses a little cunning.

Now we go to retreat. Figure it’s a Friday night. Right from the get-go Kim is freezing. Mike is being the good soldier. When “Dave” (remember him from HEROES?) lays out the agenda Mike is suddenly amused. He’s going to enjoy watching Kim try to be silent and use an outhouse. This only strengthens her resolve. Now she wants to complete this weekend even MORE.

Not being able to speak also allowed us to do some silent bits, something you don’t often see on sitcoms.

After a quick dinner scene we move to their room. Mike no longer finds this fun. They’re both really uncomfortable. At this point we wanted to start putting pressure on Kim to crack. The couple in the next room is already breaking the rules. They’re making love, adding temptation. By the way, the offstage couple is me and Robin.

From there we go to a series of scenes showing the next day’s activities, looking for fun silent moments in each. And all the while building Kim’s frustration.

Things finally erupt back in their room that night. More temptation as the couple in the next room are not only having sex but they’re eating McDonalds. This escalates to a fight. Dave asks them to leave. Kim pleads to let them stay. She can do this. After only one minute of trying she bails. It seemed funny to have a character so committed giving up after one minute.

Back to Kim’s kitchen. Kim is mad. On the surface she’s angry with Mike but really she’s mad at herself for not being able to hack it. So when Mike disarms her by goofing on the weekend, she’s really just letting herself off the hook. We thought it would be funny and real to have them just break up over the experience. But there was a lot of discussion about this. We worried that it would look very self-congratulatory to have characters say how funny they thought elements of the show were. Ultimately, we went with it, arguing that it was such a universal reaction we could justify it. The laughing jag leads to a nice moment between them. We tried whenever we could to get at what the episode was really about and have them open up a little to each other.

David, Robin, and I wrote this over a long weekend but all the real heavy lifting had been done before we wrote FADE IN.

Good luck with your spec. Hopefully you’ll take from this discussion the need to really be tough on yourself… although I’m sure there will be a few who now write Liz Lemon goes to a meditation retreat spec 30 ROCK.

Aaron Sorkin responds to a commenter in my blog

Many thanks to Aaron Sorkin for graciously responding to a commenter on my review of SOCIAL NETWORK.  Having Aaron Sorkin contribute to your blog is like having Vin Scully agree to call your Little League game.    He posted in the comments section but I think it's worthy of its own post.  He responds to a reader named Tarazza.  Here's her comment followed by his.  Again, many thanks Aaron. And you too, Tarazza.


Tarazza


I love your blog!!


I also loved The Social Network, except for one thing-- the lack of a decent portrayal of women. With the exception of 1 or 2 of them (Rashida Jones included), they were basically sex objects/stupid groupies. Even what you say here:
Jesse Eisenberg is what Michael Cera aspires to be. Justin Timberlake continues to be the most talented STAR SEARCH winner ever, And Rashida Jones is just great to look at.


... kinda makes me think that Aaron Sorkin (though I love his writing) failed the women in this script. Kind of a shame considering he's written great women characters like C.J. Cregg!


This is Aaron Sorkin and I wanted to address Taraza's comment. (Ken, I'll get to you in and your very generous blog post in just a moment.

Tarazza--believe me, I get it. It's not hard to understand how bright women could be appalled by what they saw in the movie but you have to understand that that was the very specific world I was writing about. Women are both prizes an equal. Mark's blogging that we hear in voiceover as he drinks, hacks, creates Facemash and dreams of the kind of party he's sure he's missing, came directly from Mark's blog. With the exception of doing some cuts and tightening (and I can promise you that nothing that I cut would have changed your perception of the people or the trajectory of the story by even an inch) I used Mark's blog verbatim. Mark said, "Erica Albright's a bitch" (Erica isn't her real name--I changed three names in the movie when there was no need to embarrass anyone further), "Do you think that's because all B.U. girls are bitches?" Facebook was born during a night of incredibly misogyny. The idea of comparing women to farm animals, and then to each other, based on their looks and then publicly ranking them. It was a revenge stunt, aimed first at the woman who'd most recently broke his heart (who should get some kind of medal for not breaking his head) and then at the entire female population of Harvard.

More generally, I was writing about a very angry and deeply misogynistic group of people. These aren't the cuddly nerds we made movies about in the 80's. They're very angry that the cheerleader still wants to go out with the quarterback instead of the men (boys) who are running the universe right now. The women they surround themselves with aren't women who challenge them (and frankly, no woman who could challenge them would be interested in being anywhere near them.)

And this very disturbing attitude toward women isn't just confined to the guys who can't get dates.

I didn't invent the "F--k Truck", it's real--and the men (boys) at the final clubs think it's what they deserve for being who they are. (It's only fair to note that the women--bussed in from other schools for the "hot" parties, wait on line to get on that bus without anyone pointing guns at their heads.)

These women--whether it's the girls who are happy to take their clothes off and dance for the boys or Eduardo's psycho-girlfriend are real. I mean REALLY real. (In the case of Christy, Eduardo's girlfriend so beautifully played by Brenda Song, I conflated two characters--again I hope you'll trust me that doing that did nothing to alter our take on the events. Christy was the second of three characters whose name I changed.)

I invented two characters--one was Rashida Jones's "Marylin", the youngest lawyer on the team and a far cry from the other women we see in the movie. She's plainly serious, competent and, when asked, has no problem speaking the truth as she sees it to Mark. The other was Gretchen, Eduardo's lawyer (in reality there was a large team of litigators who all took turns deposing witnesses but I wanted us to become familiar with just one person--a woman, who, again, is nobody's trophy.

And Rooney Mara's Erica's a class act.

I wish I could go door to door and make this explanation/apology to any woman offended by the things you've pointed out but obviously that's unrealistic so I thought the least I could do was speak directly to you.

Ken--Thanks for your really nice words and for giving me a chance to apologize again for my remarks back in 2005. Obviously a star writer on one of the best comedies of all time doesn't need to prove his credentials as a "real" comedy writer.

Aaron Sorkin

The museums you have to see

In a nod to its proud and rich heritage, Las Vegas is planning on erecting a “museum to the mob” to open by 2011. Exhibits will salute the city’s founding fathers – Bugsy Siegel, Meyer Lansky, Frank “Lefty” Rosenthal, and Anthony “Tony the Ant” Spilotro. To add to the absurdity of this project, it was the brainchild of the current mayor, Oscar Goodman, a former defense attorney who represented some of these mobsters.

But it got me doing some research. What other bizarre museums are here in America? This list is incomplete but there are certainly enough for you to wanna make your summer vacation plans. So until the Mob Museum opens in Las Vegas, you and your family are welcome to see and enjoy…

The Dr. Pepper Museum
The Triangle Tattoo Museum
The Red Light Museum of Prostitution
The American International Rattlesnake Museum
The International Museum of Toilets
The Exotic World Burlesque Hall of Fame
The Museum of Useful Things
The Lucy-Desi Museum
The Salt Museum
The Museum of Sex
The Bata Shoe Museum
The UFO Museum
The UFO Welcome Center
The Museum of Colorado Prisons
The Texas Prison Museum
The Lunch Box Museum
The Tick Museum
The Cockroach Hall of Fame
The AAF Tank Museum
The Haunted Monster Museum
The Andy Griffith Museum
The Oldest Peanut Museum in the US
The American Cave Museum
The Creationist Taxidermy Museum
The Vacuum Museum
Stark’s Vacuum Cleaner Museum
The Oscar Getz Museum of Whiskey History
The Drive-In Museum
Velveteria (velvet painting museum)
The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum
The Museum of Roller Skating
The Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia
The Museum of Bad Art
The Big Daddy Don Garlits Museum of Drag Racing
The Teddy Bear Museum
The International Towing & Recovery Hall of Fame/Museum
The Trash Museum
The Sewing Machine Museum
The Museum to the Creator of Conan the Barbarian
The Conspiracy Museum
The Museum of Surgical Sciences
The Dukes of Hazzard Mini-Museum
The US Border Patrol Museum
The McDonalds Museum
The Big Mac Museum
The Liberace Museum
The Twister Museum
The Houdini Museum
The Weightlifting Hall of Fame
The Museum of Mourning Art
Schmidt’s Coca-Cola Museum
Venthaven Ventriloquist Dummy Museum
The Lawrence Welk Museum
Mr. Ed’s Elephant Museum
The Museum of Hoaxes
The Elevator Museum
The Natural Museum of Funeral History
The Museum of Funeral Customs
The Captain Kazoo Museum
The Troll Museum
The Spy Museum
The Museum of Menstruation in Maryland.

And it’s not a museum but certainly worth an honorable mention…

The Circus Performers Mass Grave in Forest Park, Ill.

Almost Perfect -- "Overly Meditated

Here's another episode of ALMOST PERFECT. Monday I'll discuss it -- how we came up with it, our objectives, our approach. If you're writing a spec or just interested in the process join me Monday.  You can spend $500 at UCLA Extension and learn the same crap.  Like before, I don't know how to edit these things so it starts about 30 seconds in.

KHJ: Inside Boss Radio

A few years ago I attended an informal high school reunion. It was held at someone’s house, everyone dressed in shorts, and the menu was pot luck. We basically just invited the people we wanted to see again.  So out of a class of several hundred there were like fifteen of us.  Being a lethal cook I volunteered to provide the music. I made hour long tapes of the 60s music that was popular during our high school years. The tapes were the hit of the evening. Why? The music? No, they were the same damn songs you could hear on any oldies station. "Oh wow!  Pretty Woman.  I haven't heard that since driving over here."  No, what knocked everyone out was what I played between the songs – KHJ jingles. Even though the party goers hadn’t heard them in a million years they instantly were able to sing along.

Radio was just taken for granted back in the 60s. Imagine if you can, a world without Nanos.  Everyone listened to the radio. All day and all night. KHJ Boss Radio was the soundtrack of our lives. And I’m sure wherever you grew up if you’re of a certain age you too had a radio station you played to death. The party goers were surprised by how much they loved and listened to KHJ.

That’s where we turned to hear the new Beatles songs. That’s where we were introduced to new acts like the Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Otis Redding, and the 1910 Fruit Gum Company. That’s where we celebrated the California Myth.

KHJ was a magic radio station. Larger-than-life disc jockeys, insane promotions, and those memorable Johnny Mann singer jingles. KHJ became such a sensation that stations around the country copied its format. I think it’s safe to say that KHJ was the most influential radio station of the decade.

Ron Jacobs, the Program Director and creative genius of KHJ has written a book detailing its glory years. For radio people it’s the Holy Grail but for non-radio geeks it’s a fun nostalgic ride back to a time when everything was new and exciting and changing. There are tons of pictures, stories, first-hand accounts, and even memos. You’ll meet the Big Kahuna, the Real Don Steele, Batman, Mr. Whisper, Robert W., Humble Harv, Charlie Tuna, Jayyyyyyy Paul Huddleston, Fail Safe, and Tiny Tim.

And you’ll be able to HEAR KHJ. The book comes with CD’s that will take you right back to those times. Just like those jingles did for my classmates that night.  The only thing the book doesn't provide is baggies full of hash. 

Here’s a website you can go to order the book, read more about it, and listen to a one hour presentation of the “Best of the Boss”.

The book is KHJ: INSIDE BOSS RADIO by Ron Jacobs. It’s not just good. It’s Boss!

Why I never became a comedian

Here are some Friday questions and answers:

l.a.guy wonders:

Did you ever, or were you ever tempted, to try working as a stand-up comedian? Are comedy writers frustrated stand-ups, or is it the other way around? Also, have you ever worked on a show with writers who were stand-ups and if so is it good or bad?

Personally, I never had the desire to try stand-up. Most stand-ups I know tend to be tortured. This didn’t appeal to me.  They're lovely people but generally FUCKING NUTS.  It's understandable considering the years of rejection, knocking around tiny clubs, and the cutthroat competition. At least in the old days Johnny Carson would give them a break and book them on THE TONIGHT SHOW.  Longtime comedian Jay Leno never does.  Way to pay it forward, Jay.  Anyway, between radio and improv I have enough outlets.

Most of the writers I know are not frustrated comics. They’re tortured enough just writing.

I’ve worked with a few comedians in writing rooms. Dana Gould on RAYMOND comes to mind. He was damn funny. I know Patton Oswalt does punch-up work from time to time on movies. I’d love to be in a room with him.

Sally creeping down the alley has a few MASH questions:

1. When a show (especially a hit show) changes head writers or brings in new writers to lead the staff, how much contact, if any, do the new people have with the previous writing crew--is it a pass the torch sort of thing or a complete break from the past?

It was a very easy transition when we left MASH. We knew and admired the new staff coming in and remain friends with them today. We even worked with them briefly on MASH. We wrote the GOODBYE RADAR two-parter after we had left the show.  And they graciously didn't rewrite the shit out of us. 

At the time we had a very small staff so it was really the changing of the guard. Nowadays the staffs are larger and writers just move up through the ranks. The new MASH staff came in from the outside.

2. When an actor (like Alan Alda) gets involved in the framing and writing of his or her show, how does that effect the writers?

I’ve worked on two shows where the stars involved themselves in the writing -- Alan on MASH and Ray Romano on EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. Both were pleasant experiences.  On the other hand, I understand Bill Cosby was not a dream. Nor was Roseanne.

3. How did you deal with the various egos of the actors on MASH, did it effect how you wrote for those involved?

I know this makes for boring blogging but there really were no ego problems on MASH. No one counted lines. No one had tantrums. Maybe that’s why there’s never been an E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY on MASH.

From A Non-Emus:

I recently watched the Cheers episodes with Boston Celtics player Kevin McHale and noticed what a natural comic actor he was and what great chemistry he had with the cast. One of the best performances I've ever seen from an athlete. Was this just dumb luck or were you guys tipped off that McHale had a comedic talent? Or did you guys put him through some kind of comedy boot camp to ensure that he would fit in with the cast?

I once devoted a post to Kevin and how great he was. You can find it here.

Edem wonders:

What happens if an actor either leaves (Melinda Kanakaredes, CSI: NY) or is sacked (A.J. Cook, Criminal Minds) during the summer, before the new season starts? Is it more of a headache for writers, or par for the course?

It depends on who they are, and when they depart. If it’s last minute and five scripts are written and ready to go, then yeah, it’s fucking hell.

If the actor is a pain-in-the-ass or the staff knows he’s not coming back when they’re planning the season then it’s fine. Maybe preferable.

And finally, from Anonymous – an often asked question.

I'm in my early 40s and I've heard a lot about it being impossible for anyone to break in who is not in their 20s. What's your take on that? Is it possible, if you have talent, to break into the business in your 40s? Or should I try novels instead?

I don’t mean to dash anyone’s dreams but yes, it is much harder to break in if you’re in your 40s. Not impossible but the odds are stacked against you. The only silver lining I can provide is that when you submit a script no one knows your age (unless your name is Grampa Adams).  

I once wrote a spec screenplay that a young studio exec responded to. So a meeting was set. The minute I walked in you could see he was shocked I was an “old guy”. Things got worse. He complimented me on the writing and thought it was a really impressive first effort. Then he wondered what I’d been doing up until then. When I told him he turned red with embarrassment. The meeting went downhill from there. Note to studio execs: Google people you’re going to meet with!

But if you’re in your 40s and you do write a script that’s a great first effort you might buck the odds. Best of luck.

What's your question?

The perfect date movie!!

Here's another except from the book I'm writing on growing up in the 60s in Southern California. A million memories -- three or four not painful.

February brought with it my birthday. I turned 16. This is a bigger milestone for girls. Guys do not have Sweet Sixteen parties. But they do get their driver’s licenses!

Unless they fail the test. Happy birthday to me.


Parallel parking is what did me in. And almost hitting a guy. But more the parallel parking. I happen to have poor depth perception. I’ve learned to compensate but at the time getting into parking spaces or making turns were problematic. And it didn’t help that I took the test in my father’s Chevy Impala, a car that dwarfed the Batmobile.

So for several weeks I had to wait to re-take it and endure the humiliation of friends asking, “So how did it go?”

But this time I wasn’t going to leave anything to chance. First, I would take the test in my mother’s 1960 Mercury Comet (a car that could fit in the Impala’s glove compartment). I planned on re-taking the test on a Monday so the day before I went to the DMV and practiced parallel parking. The test curb was checkerboarded so I figured out that when the left fin reached the second black square turn the wheel until I saw it line up with the fourth white square, etc.

It worked! Come Monday Dale Unser couldn’t have maneuvered into that space as well as me. That, coupled with the lack of pedestrians on my bumper I finally secured my coveted driver’s license.

Which meant I finally went out on a real first date. I asked Marcy Loudon. My criteria: they had to be pretty and they had to be sweet enough to dump me gently. Marcy said yes and that Saturday night I took her to the Corbin Theater on Ventura Blvd. to see one of the great date movies of all-time, TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD.

My plan was to put my arm around her about halfway into the film. It was tough though finding just that right moment in the rape trial. I think I got up the courage and draped my arm around her just as Tom is shot to death while trying to escape from jail.

For a nightcap I took Marcy to Farrell’s Ice Cream parlor where we discussed the differences between the movie and the book and I had her home by midnight.

All girls had curfews then. Midnight was standard. The penalty for violation was usually grounding. Grounding was actually an effective deterrent back then – at least for the girls I dated. I’m sure my classmate who slept with her brother didn’t give a shit if she couldn’t go to the Spring Sing. But the girls I went out with always insisted on being home by twelve. And I choose to believe it’s because of that severe penalty.

Even when they don't play they lose

While reporting on today's Texas-Tampa Bay playoff game, KOMO-TV in Seattle ran this.   Even when they don't play the Mariners lose.

Congratulations to Roy Halladay who threw a no-hitter today in between Conan promos on TBS.

The Social Network & a Sorkin parody

NO SPOILER ALERT NECESSARY

I have a rather tumultuous relationship with Aaron Sorkin. I loved WEST WING. But I had some issues with STUDIO 60, which I detailed in a blog post. I also wrote a parody of his writing that I am re-posting below (since I assume most of you discovered the blog long after October, 2006).

The LA TIMES did an article about what writers thought of STUDIO 60 and inaccurately claimed my blog was the rally point for those who hated the show.   It was not.  Sorkin responded to TV critics by lashing out at the writers from the article basically saying we weren’t “real” comedy writers, just disgruntled unemployed hacks. The critics thought my credits were enough to qualify me as a “real” comedy writer and wrote articles to that effect. I was then asked for my reaction, which I posted here. Aaron sent me a lovely note and we’ve been fine ever since.

But the point is, just because I have tremendous respect for him doesn’t mean I love everything he writes. So when I say I LOVED the writing on SOCIAL NETWORK, it’s not just lip service because I’m a fan.

SOCIAL NETWORK was absolutely brilliant! And the star was the screenplay. Sorkin somehow managed to take a complicated completely non-visual subject, mix it with dense legal issues, present characters who are all basically unlikable, and somehow create a spellbinding movie. The screenplay is adapted from Ben Mezrich’s novel THE ACCIDENTAL BILLIONAIRES. Good luck to the guy who has to follow this and write the formation of Twitter movie.

When I heard that David Fincher was directing I thought, “How is he going to find enough blood and gore in Facebook?” Happy to say there was none. Just pitch perfect performances and even though there was never anything to really look at you couldn’t take your eyes off the screen.

Everyone in the cast was great. Jesse Eisenberg is what Michael Cera aspires to be. Justin Timberlake continues to be the most talented STAR SEARCH winner ever, And Rashida Jones is just great to look at.

SOCIAL NETWORK opened last weekend to good reviews, big numbers in LA and NY and nothing in the rest of the country. Since most of my readers are in “the rest of the country” I invite you to skip the long lines for PARANORMAL 2 and check this one out instead.

****

Here’s the parody. I figured I had to post something humorous today.

IF AARON SORKIN WROTE A SHOW ABOUT BASEBALL

EXT. KAUFFMAN STADIUM -- NIGHT

THE MANAGER, LEO, TROTS OUT TO THE MOUND TO TALK TO BELEAGURED PITCHER, DANNY (THERE’S ALWAYS A DANNY). THE BASES ARE LOADED. THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS. IT’S GAME SEVEN OF THE WORLD SERIES.

LEO
You can’t get a good lobster in this town.

DANNYLast I checked we were in Kansas City.

LEO
4.6 billion pork ribs sold every year and 18.9 tons of beef consumed annually since 1997 –

DANNY
They like their beef, what can I tell ya?

LEO
But you’d think just for variety’s sake.

DANNY
I can still throw my curve.

LEO
For strikes?

DANNY
I’m not throwing enough?

LEO
I’ve seen more lobsters.

DANNY WALKS TO THE ROSIN SACK, GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, DECIDES TO KEEP WALKING. HE AND LEO NOW WALK OUT INTO CENTER FIELD.

DANNYIt’s just that…

LEO
What? Kathy?

DANNY
No. Cabs. There’s no cohesiveness on this team. After road games, 25 cabs for 25 players. There used to be a thing called “the greater good”, forgoing your needs for the betterment of the team and community who looks to us for their identity and self worth. When I’m trying to save a game I’m really trying to save a factory. If baseball is a metaphor for life, then responsibility is its first cousin simile. And Kathy.

LEO
That’s a “1” on your back and not a “2”.

DANNY
I can’t help it. She knocks my sanitary socks off.

THEY CROSS THE CENTER FIELDER, HECTOR.

HECTOR
(in thick accent) Hey, Skip. You know where we could get a lobster around here?

LEO
Order a steak with butter sauce.

THEY REACH THE WALL AND BEGIN WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

LEO
Can you still throw your curve ball for strikes?

DANNY
No. The other one.

LEO
Does Kathy know you became a pitcher for her?

THEY REACH THE RIGHT FIELDER, AN AFRO-AMERICAN NAMED CHET.

CHET
Look up in the stands, guys. Not four black faces. Would Jackie Robinson even want to break into this game now? If this sport speaks to minorities now it speaks in Spanish. Afro-Americans make up less than 5% of the major leagues. Compare that to basketball, football, or even golf. Satchel Paige said, “don’t look back, something might be gaining on ya.” I just did. It’s now hockey.

LEO
Play a little closer to the line.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I think she knows.

LEO
But do you really know if she knows?

DANNY
No.

LEO
Then you know what you’ve got to do.

DANNY
Yeah.

LEO
Throw strikes.

DANNY
Right. Thanks.

LEO
And when you get home –

DANNY
Yeah?

LEO
Tell her.

DANNY
I’ll take her out for a lobster.

LEO
What do you mean, 25 cabs for 25 players?

AS THEY START AROUND THE WARNING TRACK FOR ANOTHER LAP, WE:

FADE OUT. 

"I don't do coffee and I don't lie to wives" -- a collection of our secretaries

Like all of America, I loved Mrs. Blankenship on MAD MEN. (By “all of America” I mean the million or so people who watch this best show on television.) She was Don Draper’s secretary before that word was banished for being politically incorrect along with stewardess, housewife, and two-bit whore. (I wonder: will the thoroughbred race horse have to be renamed “ExecutiveAssistantiat”?)

But Mrs. Blankenship brought to mind a number of the uh… “eccentric” secretaries my writing partner David Isaacs and I have had over the years. We loved them all. They were wonderful people and in most cases did a great job. But some were strange.

You might say, “Well why did you hire them then?” The answer is we worked at studios and had to hire from within the secretarial pool. And if the person who hired the secretaries was an uber nutcase, that’s who she selected. So everyone we interviewed had eccentricities, which by the way, is not such a bad thing.

Case in point was Emily. (Names have been changed.) Emily was in her mid 30s. One Monday morning she comes in and announces she would like to appear in Playboy. “The girls from MASH” is just the type of spread they did. I said, “Don’t you have to submit nude photos of yourself?” She said yes and produced about ten photos. “Which ones do you like?” she asked. Holy shit! After our initial shock we composed ourselves and very analytically studied the photos, finally deciding on the best two (at about 5:00).

Most secretaries will tell you what they think you’ll want to hear during initial job interviews. Not Lisa. She said, “I don’t do coffee and I don’t lie to wives”. We hired her. Neither of us are coffee drinkers.

On the other hand, at the end of one business day David and I finished polishing a pilot we were writing and wanted to get it to our director that night. Carol, our then-assistant, did the corrections and was about to send the script when I said, “Wait. I want to proof it once more before it goes out.” Exasperated, she handed it to me. I made a few more tiny changes. I returned it to her and she said she’d do it in the morning. I said, “No, we want this to go out tonight”. She rolled her eyes and then said, “Y’know, up until now I’ve been very patient with you guys.” Carol didn’t last too long.

Bonnie did a good job but we were a little uncomfortable with her extra curricular activities. She and some other secretaries on the lot had a little competition to see who could sleep with the studio president first. I think Bonnie finished third.

Jennifer, on her first day, asked if she could take a longer lunch because she had an abortion scheduled for 12:30.

People would arrive at our outer office to find our assistant, Jennifer, frequently standing on her head. She was maybe our strangest (which is saying something). The way David and I worked was to dictate scripts while our assistant took shorthand. There would be moments of silence while David and I tried to come up with a line. Jennifer would start chuckling. We’d ask what was so funny and she said, “Oh, I’m just anticipating that you guys will come up with something really funny and I’ll want to laugh”. I once said, “Oh really? Could you possibly anticipate just what the line is?”

Jennifer didn’t last very long either. One day at the commissary she was having lunch on the outdoor patio. She was the only one out there. It was a blustery windy day. Anyway, a tree branch fell and hit her in the head. I think she’s still suing the studio.

Another tree branch figured in an incident with assistant Paula. She lived alone in a Westside apartment and one morning her bird gets out of his cage and roosts on a nearby tree branch. When that happens what do you do? A lot of people might call the fire department. Not Paula. I get a call at 8 AM from the studio asking me to approve an expenditure that would be charged against our production company. $20,000. “Are you fucking kidding? $20,000? We don’t even have a show on the air. What is this for?” “A stunt man”. Paula had asked for a studio stunt man to come out, climb the tree, and get her bird down.” Needless to say I did not approve the request.

We once had a lovely spinster-type secretary named Marge. She too lived alone. She had one real love in her life, this very cool little red Porsche. One day she looks out the window and a tow truck is hooking it up. She runs down frantic only to learn that this was a stolen car that the FBI had been tracking for two years. And until she produced her proof-of-purchase from another party she was in grave danger of being charged for the theft and hauled off to prison.

Assistant Wendy wound up on one of those Judge Judy shows suing a Smurf for scaring her kid at a birthday party. The Smurf won.  Those blue guys really know how to lawyer-up. 

One of our assistants had an affair with a rock star. And another had an X-rated episode with a very well-known celebrity involving a dungeon.

But like I said, we loved them all. And one I very much miss. Sue Herring (real name), who’s no longer with us. Mrs. Blankenship will soon fade from memory but Ms. Herring I’ll never forget.

My take on OUTSOURCED

OUTSOURCED has received a lot of bad reviews. Crass. One-dimensional. Stereotypical. TV critics have hated it. I didn’t. I sure didn’t like it but I’ve seen worse (this year even). So here’s my review coming at it from a writer’s perspective (not that anyone asked). And hopefully it will be taken as constructive.

Disclaimer: I was not in on the development process nor do I know any of the writers. So when I point out what I believe are flaws I don’t know who’s to blame. Maybe some of the points I make the writers are saying, “Yes! We told NBC the same thing!” Or the same subject matter in the hands of different writers would produce a far better product. I dunno.

First off, what is this show REALLY about? Yes, the premise is simple: American gets assigned to run a boiler room in Mumbai. Fish out of water. Culture class. But this show explores that only on a very surface level. Sacred cow jokes. If you’re going to do a show about two very diverse cultures colliding there is great comedy to be found in the reality of the situation. There is also conflict and genuine emotion. 

The premise itself is so tired that it seems you have to work extra hard to make it fresh. OUTSOURCED has that potential. There’s never been a U.S. sitcom set in India. You have a goldmine of possibilities. Last year in HANK when they put the rich erudite Kelsey Grammer in the ‘burbs there wasn’t a joke you could do that hasn’t already been done on the twelve previous shows just like it. OUTSOURCED has the chance to be unique. Seize it.

The characters in OUTSOURCED all work for a company that takes orders  for goofy novelty items. And once people call they try to sell them additional items like fake vomit. That's their goal, to turn orders into larger orders.   And callers resent them because they’re Indian. Kind of a stretch.  Made up company with trumped up goals.

What  Americans resent is calling a local country and then being routed to the other side of the planet where the person they're talking to has no frame of reference for what you want.  My daughter Annie suggested, what if they were On-Star operators?   They're dealing with streets and towns and unpronounceable names and everything is a struggle.   They're asked to make restaurant recommendations, give short-cuts, etc.  And the drivers using this service are usually stressed out or crazed already.   Makes more sense than people order whoopie cushions and the company makes its money by convincing them to also purchase joy buzzers. 

So what's it like for the poor Indian operator when he's resented for absolutely no fault of his own?  He's just a perfectly nice person.  How does that mess with his mind?  How does that play havoc with his confidence?  How does that translate when he gets off work?  How does it effect his relationships?    How does that character react?  Does he keep it inside and blow up later?   Does he have a meltdown on the phone?    What is the burn out rate of these people?   And when people are fried they often react in irrational but hilarious ways.

On the one hand you’re asking these Indian employees to embrace U.S. culture when folks from the U.S. treat them poorly. So instead of an Indian girl who’s s on-the-nose super shy, what about one who has always been fascinated by America but now doesn’t know what to think? Are we this great country or a land full of shitheads? And how much comic mileage can you get out of shyness? What are you going to do with her week eight?

This may seem like a trivial note but the set is wrong. It looks completely bogus. We’ve seen SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. We know what one of these places really looks like. Check out real pictures of MASH units and compare them to the sets on the show. It may not seem important but subliminally it is. I believe the set of Dunder Mifflin is exactly what one of those office set-ups look like. Why do a workplace comedy and not make it look right? Especially when the audience knows the difference? And why make the set generic? You’re in a unique setting. Take advantage of that.

Ben Rappaport, as the American in charge is very likeable but has nothing to play. What makes him funny? He’s your lead for Cristsakes! He doesn’t seem to really be upset that he’s there. The workers seem okay with him. He can’t get beef. That’s his big issue. And even that is bogus because one of the characters says there are hotels that do serve beef. It sure helps if there’s some conflict. It sure helps if he really WANTS something.

What if he hates being there? What if he’s never been out of Kansas and it’s a complete culture shock? What if there’s something he desperately wants but it takes money and the best job available is here so he’s going to just gut it out? What if he’s trying to maintain a long-distance relationship? Or what if he’s still responsible for his elderly parents and has to manage their lives from 6,000 miles away? What if he’s allergic to curry? What if he’s vying for a vice-presidency job so he volunteers for this suicide mission in order to turn the place around and really impress the higher-ups? I dunno. Those are just off the top of my head. With some real thought maybe you could come up with something even better or fresher. But nice guy, not particularly funny, accepting his situation is not compelling and not giving you much to work with.

The first episode was a premise pilot so let’s look beyond that to week two. That’s the first glimpse into the kind of stories OUTSOURCED will be telling. (you can watch this episode on NBC.COM if you haven’t seen it and would like to although warning: spoiler alert.)

This was the story: Todd (Ben Rappaport) has to fire one of the employees because sales are down. First off, we’ve seen this story a thousand times. Second – it’s schmuck bait. We KNOW no one is ultimately going to get fired. Plus, we don’t know these characters well enough to even care.  And if you didn't see the pilot you didn't know that sales were to come after taking orders.  It appeared that this was a boiler room where these people called out.  So that was confusing. 

It starts with Todd dealing with some total over-the-top mugging Indian guy who I suppose is his co-manager or something. He’s just a cartoon and not very funny. Shameless mugging and zero threat to the employees.  Why is he even there?  The topic they discuss is BBQ food. Natch. Later, Todd ichats with his boss who does a ridiculous blue screen simulation of being on a rollercoaster. Why? Is this supposed to make him memorable? I mean, seriously, what the fuck was that about? Do you have to stretch that far to make the boss funny?

In between Todd does one-on-one employee reviews. That way he flat out tells us what each of these characters’ quirks are. There’s not a better, more artful way to establish their characters? How about through actions that inform us of who they are? And the scenes were not funny. A big subplot was Todd not understanding a head bobble gesture that one character has. Sorry but that’s pretty weenie. And it became a runner through the whole show. There was a minor complication involving a worker who thinks he’s being fired but is not. So at the end of the show he tells everyone off only to learn that he’ll still be working with them. He smiles sheepishly and says something like “Well, you’ll all be talking about me at lunch”. That’s it? That’s the big payoff?

The main story ends with Todd getting the guy who’s just hustling women on the phone to call and dump them all and along the way sell them ridiculous novelties. Huh? When a guy dumps you THAT’S when you’re most motivated to buy dribble glasses from him? Makes no sense. Not remotely real. Not particularly funny. Todd just stands around. Sales go up as a result. Super convenient.  No one fired. Just the on-the-nose predictable way to tell a tired story.

As for the tone, it’s tepid. And here again, this could be the network terrified to be too politically incorrect, this could be a knee jerk reaction to research testing, but the stuff is mild. Or maybe this writing staff just doesn’t have the comic chops. Maybe these are the best jokes they can write.

Or maybe this was just a bad episode and next week’s will be hilarious as they try to find their groove. But again, the premise, the characters, and the show’s set-up work against them.

I ask the writers and producers to be tougher on yourselves. Discard stories you’ve seen before. Just throw them out. Do a show about an American being in India without a single beef joke. Do research and present situations we haven’t seen before. Find stories you couldn’t do on any other show. When you have a joke take five minutes and see if you can top it. And then take five minutes and top that. Take chances. Be outrageous once in a while. Be audacious.

Otherwise, what's the point?  The studio could save lots of money and just outsource the writing.

The Duke F*CK list

Hey there aspiring writers, Karen F. Owen has found a new way to get an agent! And here’s the good news – you don’t have to write a spec script! Why slave for months over that pesky spec 30 ROCK or kill yourself over that original pilot? Ugh!! That’s the old way. That’s for saps! You want the William Morris Agency to come after you? It’s simple! Just fuck a bunch of guys and critique them. What could be easier?

Karen F. Owen was a student at Duke University. For four years she went to the local bar and slept with just about everyone in the athletic department except the Volleyball equipment manager. Sometimes in stairwells, sometimes she was so drunk she didn’t remember, sometimes two teammates in one night. Now you know what the F. stands for.

For grins and giggles she wrote out a thesis detailing her conquests in intimate and revealing detail, naming names and sizing sizes. She sent this tome to a few close friends and big surprise, it wound up on the internet and went viral in less time than that it took Subject #12 to complete.

To be honest, it’s quite entertaining in a “boy, this sure isn’t the way it was for me in college” way. And as a writer, she does a pretty fair job of describing the blowjobs she gave. Those passages did hold my interest.

The merit of writing this unauthorized thesis is certainly up for debate. On the one hand it’s an egregious invasion of privacy. On the other, this has to be great for Duke recruiting.

But now the Morris office is coming after her and already there are book and movie offers on the table. If this had come out a month ago Karen would probably be one of the AMERICAN IDOL judges today.

So put down that spec HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. Start writing that HOW I FUCKED YOUR FRIENDS. Representation and riches can be yours!

It does my heart good to be able to help young writers.