Was Elvis Jewish?

According to a book by Elaine Dundy, ELVIS AND GLADYS, he was. I always suspected. The obsession with karate, the white jumpsuits, his love of the traditional Jewish meal of peanut butter and banana sandwiches – he might as well have been Larry David with sideburns.

The book claims that Elvis’ grandmother on his mother’s side was Jewish. So his mother, Gladys, was Jewish, and thus, following the birth line according to Jewish law, so was the King.

This now explains all the Cadillacs.

And why he was “Crying in the Chapel.”

Elvis’ middle name was Aron, which the book suggests was just a misspelling of Aaron, the brother of Moses in the Bible. Jews are usually better at spelling so I question that claim.

Elvis had uncles named Sidney and Jerome. That alone does not make them Jewish, but if they annoyed young Elvis at Thanksgiving and told endless stories about going to high school with Milton Berle then you can confirm it.

Gladys was proud of her Jewish ancestry, the book attests. The fact that this was not mentioned in any of the five hundred other books about Elvis must mean her pride did not extend to two separate sets of dishes.

When she died, Elvis put a Star of David on her tombstone to honor her Jewish heritage.

Apparently, his parents told him to downplay his Jewish ancestry because of all the anti-Semitism. (In the South? Really?) I imagine his record company probably felt the same way, although it was okay for the public to think he was black.

The book says at one point he lived in an apartment below a rabbi and he would confer with him on occasion. Religious ethical questions like should he sleep with Delores Hart?


Elvis wore a piece of jewelry called a “Chai” which contained Hebrew words and the Star of David. Here too, this was not a convincing argument for his Jewishness because everyone who wore a gaudy jumpsuit in the ‘70s wore a Chai. It was just part of the look.

A stronger argument would be that he had no chemistry with Mary Tyler Moore who played a nun in his movie CHANGE OF HABIT. And the tagline for that classic was “When the King of Rock meets the Queen of Comedy romance rules.” Well, it didn’t. ‘Nuff said.

Jewish numerology is very significant. There is a Jewish holiday called Lag BaOmer. Literally, the name of the holiday means the "33rd day of the Omer." Elvis made 33 movies. That’s both eerie and conclusive.

By the way, ELVIS AND GLADYS is not the only book to contend the King was Jewish. (Note: ELVIS AND GLADYS is not to be confused with PETE AND GLADYS, a sitcom from the ‘60s starring gentiles.) There’s a book called SCHMELVIS: IN SEARCH OF ELVIS PRESLEY'S JEWISH ROOTS by Jonathan Goldstein & Max Wallace. But unlike Dundy’s book and this post, they don’t take the subject seriously.

So was Elvis actually Jewish? Throughout history Jewish scholars have argued over everything else, why not this too? I’d like to think he was, if for no other reason than Nixon would be spinning in his grave for befriending him.

UPDATE:  Tomorrow's post will appear a little later than usual.  I'll scribble down my first thoughts on the Emmy nominations, which will be announced tomorrow morning. 

My network notes for UNDER THE DOME

I don’t get it. Every time we've done a series we’ve gotten a shit-ton of network notes. And usually they were very specific.

“Where’s the cat? Wouldn’t the cat be in the bedroom at night?”

“Is there something healthier than cookies she can pack in her kids’ lunch boxes?”

“Did they eat the pizza? They had that big fight in Shakeys but no one ate the pizza they ordered.” (We once got that actual note)

We’d get twenty of these an episode. For a pilot I once had a network guy open an on-set refrigerator to approve the contents.

But, as they say, “that’s the business we chose.” It’s part of the process, and we deal with it.

And then I started watching UNDER THE DOME. Holy shit! This is the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen. This is all okay with everybody? No notes? Well, as someone who had to substitute an apple for cookies and stick a cat in the bedroom, please allow me to give UNDER THE DOME some notes the network apparently felt were too minor to mention.

How do people breathe encased in a dome?

Wouldn’t it get a little hot under the dome? "Big Jim" wears that 1978 brown leather jacket he got at Monkey Wards all day long.

Since the dome is invisible can’t the town communicate with the outside world by just holding up notes? And the outside world could brief them the same way. Chester Mill doesn’t have to use a scratchy ham radio to get info. You'd think they were tracking Amelia Earhart.

"Junior" is afraid his girlfriend, Angie is going to break up with him so his solution is to kidnap her and chain her to a bed in a fallout shelter. First off, they’re under a dome. It’s not like she can leave town. Secondly, that’s your best plan?

And third – how does she go to the bathroom? She’s chained to a bed for three days.

Okay, fourth – isn’t anyone in the town concerned that she’s missing?

Wait – fifth – if you’re being held captive by a psycho, the best way to disarm him might not be to lie and say you fucked some other guy and loved it. In the eight times that Jack Bauer’s daughter was kidnapped in 24 she never did that.

Along those lines, the crazy cop who accidentally shoots his partner when the bullet ricochets off the dome (oops on that one), but breaks out of jail and flees. To where? What’s he thinking? Even in the forest there’s only so much real estate. It’s easier to get lost in the BIG BROTHER backyard.

There’s no mass panic?  You've just been sealed in by something unknown for an unknown period of time.  Just one rogue cop finds this disturbing? There’s no looting or runs on grocery stores? Even the diner stays open. People sit at the counter and sip their coffee and enjoy their pie just like it’s just another sleepy Thursday.  Order that special of the day now because when they're out of it they are OUT of it.   

Two townsfolk are in the diner when the African-American woman looking for her white daughter shows them a picture. The redneck says condescendingly, “How can that be?” The woman explains she and another woman are the parents. He’s very bemused and dismissive. Did anyone notice that his buddy sitting next to him is also African-American? And might that gentleman react? 

Does every DJ on CBS have to look like Venus Fly Trap?

Wouldn’t this dome be sort of a national story? Wouldn’t it be just an absolute circus outside the dome with news and camera crews reporting constantly? 12,000 TV trucks converge on the Zimmerman trial but not one is outside a giant dome that has enclosed an entire town?

There’s a big house fire. Smoke seen for miles. A day after the fire is put out the smoke is completely gone. Wouldn’t it be trapped in the dome and the whole town would be smoky?

Would someone in town, even one person, realize that they’re in for a calamitous water shortage since rain from the sky would bounce off the top of the dome?

The reverend accidentally starts this fire by lighting a document and throwing it in a wastebasket next to drapes. Within five seconds the entire room is engulfed in flames and the reverend is too. We see fire on him. A half-hour later the house is still burning. The reverend is rescued (he’s still alive?), and miraculously he’s not seriously burned. Are you saying that if you spread the word of Jesus you are fire retardant?

When smoking hot redhead, Julia starts to suspect the mysterious stranger (with the mysterious name), Barbie is maybe ominous and scary, is it a good idea to still let him stay in your house?

Julia goes through his backpack when he’s taking a shower (you townies might want to ration that water) and finds the marked map of the town in like a second.  That's like bank robbers walking around with schematics of a Wells Fargo in their pocket.   You think he might hide the map a little better?

Barbie finds his missing dog tags. Julia asks where they were. Instead of the thousand-and-one places he could have said, he picks the bathroom in her house where she could easily catch him on his lie.

So all the teens decide to go to the one kid’s house with a generator so they could party?

And is one of the kids just a tad too stupid when he thinks he can squeeze through the dome because it’s water-soluble and we’re all 70% water?

The idea that there’s this invisible force field and people can’t leave the town – didn’t they already do that on ONCE UPON A TIME? And LOST? And THE SIMPSONS MOVIE?

Since the Chief of Police knew his pacemaker fluttered when he even got near the dome, why did he touch it? Of course it exploded.

That was a great effect when the dome came down and split a cow in half. Did they eat the half of cow?

UPDATE:  Thursday morning I'll post my thoughts on the Emmy nominations.  I'm not expecting one so I won't be biter. Okay... maybe just a little.

Matt Harvey asks New Yorkers what they think about Matt Harvey

Matt Harvey is starting tomorrow for the NL in the All-Star Game. Here's a great bit from tonight's Jimmy Fallon show, where Matt Harvey asks New Yorkers about Matt Harvey.

Warning: Proud Parent Alert

Yes, today I’m going to be one of those annoying parents that corners you and shows you endless photos of their baby. You want to say, “All babies that age look like that -- mini Uncle Festers -- so what?” but instead you just politely smile and think of ways to extricate yourself from the situation. “Listen, I just got a text that a meteor is landing on this spot in thirty seconds so I really should scoot.”

And then there are the pet owners who insist on showing you endless photos of their dog. “Oh, here’s Bluto with a piece of our couch in his mouth. Isn’t he just the cutest thing?” NO. And neither is the shot of him sleeping on the bed with your wife.

At least on Facebook you can scroll through these precious snapshots of toddlers wearing oversized sunglasses and cats wearing oversized sunglasses. And you can lie and say your server is down so you couldn’t watch the adorable YouTube videos of Chloe/Britney/Jason/Fido’s first potty triumph.

But today, I’m one of those parents. Last night the first produced show my daughter Annie and her partner Jon Emerson wrote aired on the Disney Channel. GOOD LUCK CHARLIE. Here’s their credit. Tell me it isn’t the cutest most adorable credit you’ve ever seen! Thanks for the indulgence. And congratulations again to Annie & Jon.   Next up: a new Nick at Nite show called INSTANT MOM. Their episode films Thursday.

Here's what Janel Maloney and Aaron Sorkin said about first credits on the WEST WING commentary track.

Emmy categories I'd like to see

This year's Emmy nominations will be announced Thursday morning. Can you stand the suspense? Ratings for the show have been dwindling over the years. In an effort to stem that tide the Academy has wisely chosen Neil Patrick Harris to host. Remember a few years ago when they had a committee of reality show hosts do it? Neil will try to be better than Ryan Seacrest, the hilarious Jeff Probst, and Heidi Klum. I have a good feeling.

The Academy has also considered changing some of the categories, making them more relevant. Here are a few that I propose. The ATAS is welcome to use them. All I ask in return is a lifetime achievement award to be presented by Heidi Klum.

Best plausible sci-fi drama
Best implausible sci-fi drama
Best series that never aired on any network
Best series only on the air because it’s owned by the network
Best actor with plastic surgery
Best series that has changed timeslots so often you don’t even know it’s still on the air
Best series regular who got killed this season
Best series regular you wish would be killed next season
Best variety, musical or documentary that doesn’t have three pledge breaks in it
Best screener DVD from a show that never in a million years would get nominated
Best director of single-handheld-jilting-nausea-producing-camera show
Best director who can handle Mandy Patinkin
Best former sitcom ingénue who now plays someone’s mother
Best actress playing the thankless best friend
Best actress who always thought television was a comedown and is now lucky to be working
Best guest appearance by an actress just out of rehab
Best actress from a series in that gray area of not really a comedy or a drama
Best performance by an actor speaking nonsensical procedural gobbledygook
Best actor who replaced the original actor who was fired for testing poorly
Best actor getting by strictly on his looks
Best series that should have won instead of MAD MEN.
Best made-for-tv movie originally made for theatrical release but couldn’t get a distributor
Best reality show without Tom Bergeron
Best reality show where people don’t bathe (includes ‘American Idol’)
Best canceled series
Best half-hour comedy vagina jokes writer
Special Governors Award to the Golden Globes Announcement

As always, I'll be reviewing the Emmy Awards ceremony later this summer.  Good luck to all the hopefuls.

A writer's tragedy

From Technodirt.com comes this story that is the screenwriter’s version of the Darwin Awards. Apparently some guy wrote three screenplays (with the delightful titles of COLOR OF TULIP, BLOOD ON ICE, and – keeping with the theme – BLOOD ON SEVEN HILLS). He claims that at one point he was in negotiations to sell the screenplays for $2.7 million. But the talks went nowhere. So he ended up with nothing. Ohh??? There’s no middle ground between $2.7 and nothing?? But that’s not the point.

He later signed up for DSL and the technician installing it “cleaned up some unused items on his desktop” which included -- oh no! - the screenplays.

Oooops!

Data recovery was only partially successful in retrieving them. So the guy sued, claiming the screenplays were worth MILLIONS. He lost. And the jury felt he was also at fault FOR NOT MAKING A BACK UP OF SUCH “VALUABLE” FILES!

Ooooops!

I also question why the skeesix didn’t have a single printed copy. How did he submit them to these potential million dollar buyers? Even if a PDF file was submitted would perhaps one of the eager recipients bother to make a printed copy? These producers who had millions of dollars to just throw around couldn't afford a Xerox machine? Or send a guy down to Kinkos?

Always back up your scripts!!!

I do it every time I finish a writing session. I load it onto a thumb drive. I also have the nifty new Mac Time Capsule that backs up my hard drive constantly, and I drop a copy in Dropbox.  (If you don't have Dropbox you should!) 

Nothing’s going to stop me from breaking the bank when I sell my latest screenplay -- BLOOD ON MAPQUEST DIRECTIONS TO PISMO BEACH.

Friday Questions

Here are some Friday Questions for your weekend pleasure.

Ike Iszany asks:

When you do a show do you plan for the shorter syndication edit? Do you pad in two minutes you can lose?

First off, you have to be on a big hit to even be thinking about syndication. So in the first few seasons syndication is just a glimmer in your eye.

We never pad. You are allowed to come in a minute or so short. The network is happy to fill that time with promos. We try to come in short if possible because it makes the show tighter and should we be lucky enough to go into syndication less has to be edited out.

In addition to editing, some shows in syndication today are sped up – just a tiny bit but sometimes it’s enough to really throw the rhythm off.

This is a trick often used in Top 40 radio. Stations would speed up records. If you take a 45 rpm record and play it at 47 it sounds just a little bit brighter and faster. But competing stations would then up the ante and increase their speed to 48 or 49 rpm, and all of a sudden the damn records change keys and start sounding ridiculous.

Syndicators have some process where they can drop frames and in theory the change is imperceptible but it’s not. Just as a Carly Simon record sped up sounds like the Chipmunks.

Lenny Parker wonders:

There is this common belief that query letters are a waste of time because nobody pays any attention to them.

From your experience, do you believe this is true?

I assume you mean to agents and managers. I think there’s still some value in them if you (a) keep them very short, and (b) have something in them that will catch the reader's eye. Examples: You’ve won a screenwriting contest, you’ve had a play produced by a prestigious theatre group, you’re from Krypton.

But long letters detailing your desire or sharing your life story will probably not be read and the agent may decide to not read your script either. So again, brevity is the key.

From Dave Bittner:

How often does a specific character trait get dropped during the run of a series? Specifically, in the first season of Frasier, Daphne possessed psychic powers, but this seemed to have been dropped over time. Did it simply play out?

Yes, sometimes character traits either play themselves out, get to be too one-note, or prove not to be as popular as you had hoped. And the good showrunners are the ones who are willing to make mid-course corrections.

The FRASIER writers were always looking to give their characters more dimension and Daphne proved to be a much richer character than was originally conceived so the psychic trait was really not needed.

Another example is Klinger on MASH. Once he went through every dress in the entire Twentieth Century Fox studio wardrobe department the writers decided to move on with him.

But characters need to evolve.  They lose traits along the way but gain traits as well.  

And finally, jake wants to know:

Will we continue to have baseball announcers with the kind of civic and team identities that Vin Scully, Dave Niehaus, Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Ernie Harwell (and many others) have/had? Or will things go the ESPN way, deep sixing the Jon Millers in favor of anodyne announcers but prominent ex-player analysts.

Unfortunately yes. The play-by-play trend is clearly towards young, generic, inexpensive, safe announcers. Storytelling and showmanship seems to be a lost art. As one listener put it, "It's like they all sound like they went to the same 'Baseball Broadcaster School.'"

It’s easier to just call play-by-play and fill the down time with statistics, and since that’s what teams are hiring, it’s understandable that young broadcasters coming up don’t feel the need to develop a unique style.

So will the new generation of announcers continue the tradition of identifiable voices for each city? No. They’ll all sound pretty much interchangeable. And that will be a shame.

But if you’re a young announcer, I will just say this: you can go down this path and you might even achieve a certain level of success. But if you hope to someday be GREAT you have to somehow distinguish yourself. Because if there are ten other guys who can do your job just as well and they’re younger or cheaper, what do you think is going to happen?

Of course that’s my philosophy in general: Strive to be the BEST in whatever you do. In today’s marketplace EVERY field is a competitive field.

What’s your question? Please leave it in the comments section.

Jerry's Deli is the WORST

The following is a true story. It happened just last night.   And it's another of my rants. 

There is a truly mediocre delicatessen in Los Angeles called Jerry’s. Well, that’s not entirely fair. Mediocre and over-priced. It’s a chain and recently a number of them have closed (including the one in Westwood where several years ago a cook who had hepatitis made sandwiches).

I try to avoid Jerry’s. Judging by all the closings, so does everybody else.

On Wednesday nights after our improv workshop a group of us usually goes out to eat. We’re all tired of the Italian place we usually go to (how many times can you order chicken parmesan subs?) so for variety we decided to give Jerry’s another try. Last time we were there was about a year ago. My order should be up any time now. We were seated right near the bar where a fight broke out.

So seven of us roll in at 10:45. Again, all of this is true. A waitress is screaming at the hostess for putting another couple in her section. The entire place is practically empty.

In the bakery section there are like six lonely cookies.  This is how I picture a Jewish deli in Kansas.

We get a big table then wait ten minutes for a waiter in this empty eatery. The air conditioning is set to high. We’re all freezing. The waiter, when we finally flag him down, is sweating and forever mopping his brow. We ask if it’s possible to get separate checks? No. He explains if we put everything on one order everything will come out together. Okay. That made sense.

I order kreplach soup. They don’t serve it. They usually put out pickles. No more pickles. What kind of deli is this? A menu recommendation was the Monte Christo – a fried ham and cheese sandwich. Seriously? Applebee’s is more Jewish.

The waiter leaves to put in our order and disappears.  I'm guessing he's holding his arm pits up to a fan to reduce the sweat moons. 

Barbara and I have ordered soup. Our orders are up in five minutes. The rest don't get theirs for a half hour. Sure glad we didn’t do separate checks. When we ask the waiter supervisor where the rest of the orders are he just shrugs and says, unconcerned, “I dunno.”

One member of our party excuses himself to use the bathroom. He returns moments later. Someone was throwing up in there.  At least it meant his order arrived.

Barbara finishes her soup and leaves. Those six sad cookies will have to wait for another taker.  Five minutes later our galley slave-sweating waiter comes over with a glass pitcher to refill glasses. It slips out of his hand and the entire glass pitcher filled with water shatters on the table right where Barbara had been. I’m drenched and there are now shards of glass in everyone’s entrée. (Or, as Jerry's likes to call it -- garnish.)

The waiter apologizes and says he hasn’t felt good all night. He thinks it’s something he ate.  Oh, that's comforting.  Your waiter has such a high fever he could could fry your Monte Christo on his head. 

The supervising waiter returns, doesn’t offer to comp anything (I mean, no one was killed), but will remake the orders – like we’re going to wait around another half hour for potato skins.

Needless to say, we’re never going back. I imagine the comment section will soon be filled with similar Jerry’s horror stories. Meanwhile, I’m checking the LA Times website every hour to see if our waiter has come down with hepatitis.

The trouble is everything in the San Fernando Valley closes at 10, even the 24 hour restaurants. My kingdom for a Steak & Shake.

Could CHEERS be re-booted?

I recently saw a new stage version of YES MINISTER, based on the beloved British sitcom from the ‘80s. The new show was a smash on the West End (duh!) and is getting its American debut in Los Angeles down the street from a Ralph’s market. Like the original, it was quite witty and droll. The two gentlemen who wrote the series – Antony Jay & Jonathan Lynn – wrote this as well.

I read an interview with Lynn where he said their big trepidation was: would the audience accept a version without series stars Paul Eddington and Nigel Hawthorne? Both of those extraordinary actors have unfortunately passed on. Happily, Lynn reported that West End audiences did go along with new actors in the roles. As for me? I was sitting so far back I have no idea who those people were on the stage.

But it brings up the question, would American audiences accept a stage version of CHEERS without Ted Danson and Shelley Long? These actors are so etched into our minds as those characters that it might be hard getting past other actors in the roles. And if you use other actors, would you want their interpretation to be different and unique to them or a more faithful mimic of the characters you know?

There have been numerous movie adaptations of TV series – the latest being the Lone Ranger. I can’t answer that one because the reviews have been so horrendous I’ve been afraid to see it. I hear, however, that they portray the Lone Ranger as kind of an idiot. I’ll hold out till the reboot of WILD BILL HICKCOCK.

Some reboots have been successful. I liked THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE, although that was more of a spoof. And how hard is it to fill the role of Carol Brady? (Ironically, it was Shelley Long who played her.) And some of the Tom Cruise MISSION IMPOSSIBLE movies worked. I liked the cast of the STAR TREK prequel (although some of you did not).

But most reboots are pretty bad. The worst has to be BILKO starring Steve Martin in the Phil Silvers’ part. I have no fucking clue what Steve Martin was playing or even hoped to achieve. Why not just get Oprah Winfrey to play Ernie Bilko?

And then of course there are TV reboots. Don’t get me started on HAWAII FIVE-O. Oprah would be a better Steve McGarret too.

I once had the pleasure of seeing a live version of Neil Simon’s ODD COUPLE play that starred the TV Felix & Oscar -- Tony Randall & Jack Klugman. That was fun although I felt like I was attending the world’s best but longest network runthrough.

I think a new stage version of CHEERS could be done. The first ten minutes might be a little disconcerting, (“Afternoon everybody.” “Norm????”), but if you got terrific young actors and the writing was CHEERS-caliber, I think the audience would go along with you. And just to make sure, sit the audience as far back as I was for YES MINISTER. (“Is that Oprah playing Cliff?”)

I myself am lucky. None of the shows I co-created lasted long enough for the characters to become engrained in anyone’s minds. In fact, if I do a stage version of BIG WAVE DAVE’S there’s a good chance the play will have a longer run than the series.

Writing good dialogue

Here’s one of those Friday Questions that is worth an entire post.

It’s from Kevin Rubio:

I have often heard actors in interviews take about "dialog having a wonderful rhythm...". And notice that this comment is generally associated with shows that have well known/ respected writers - Sorkin, Whedon, Levine, etc.

Can that type of writing be taught, or is it just innate?

Well, I’m not sure I belong in that category with Sorkin and Whedon, but I appreciate it… unless you’re thinking of another Levine, which is very possible.

Learn to develop an ear for dialogue by being very observant and paying attention to the dialogue that’s all around you every day.

It’s interesting that some of the greatest English dialogue writers grew up speaking another language. Billy Wilder grew up speaking German, so did Mike Nicholls. Larry Gelbart spoke Yiddish. But I think they developed a real appreciation for words, language, and slang.

Make note of interesting expressions, colorful descriptions, usual and unusual speech patterns. Do they use a lot of crutches, are they verbose, inarticulate? Do they answer questions with questions?

People rarely speak in perfectly formed sentences. They trail off, drop pronouns, mangle grammar, spout clichés, repeat themselves, try to impress by using big words (often incorrectly), interrupt each other, stammer, change subjects in mid-sentence, pause at weird times (think Christopher Walken), talk with food in their mouths, sound distracted, and fifty other things. A common mistake writers make is giving each character well-crafted complete sentences.

Students of conversational speech know that people will do anything they can to not say exactly what they mean. So when characters state exactly what they’re thinking or feeling it sounds stilted. “I’m very upset that you never go with me to PTA meetings.” Wouldn’t a better version be – “It’s very hard seeing all the other dads and how much more involved they are in their children’s lives.” Try to avoid “on the nose” dialogue.

Another mistake is making every character sound the same.

Read scripts and plays by writers whose dialogue you admire. There’s a book of Aaron Sorkin’s WEST WING scripts. There are compilations of Neil Simon plays. Check out plays by Tom Stoppard, Harold Pinter, Edward Albee, David Mamet, Lary Gelbart, Paddy Chayefsky, and Tony Kushner. See how the speeches lay out on the page. Analyze them. Determine the intent of each speech and how the writer chooses to convey them. There are probably twenty ways to say the same thing. Why did the author choose that way?

There is a rhythm and flow to good dialogue. What I always suggest is that you read your scripts aloud. Speeches that are clunky or repetitious will become apparent very quickly.

Another thing: I always ask myself – is this how that person would really say that? That was an interesting question when I was writing MANNEQUIN. Would a mannequin really say that?

At the end of the day, there is no secret to writing good dialogue. You need a feel for it, certainly. But you can help yourself immensely by just learning to listen. Really listen.

My review of THE HEAT

No SPOILER ALERT necessary, but warning:  despite the first few paragraphs this is a positive review.

Hollywood studio comedies are all predictable formula exercises that depend solely on the execution. THE HEAT is your standard buddy-cop trope with a jumbled plot that’s only there to serve the gags and the few obligatory moments of heart to show that these opposites really do love and respect each other. And of course there’s a scene of the two stars dancing. No studio comedy could be released without that. 

It’s R-rated because that’s what sells. The language is raunchy because that’s what sells. Melissa McCarthy is in the part Bette Midler used to play when she sold. And Sandra Bullock plays the part Sandra Bullock used to play.

One’s crazy and outrageous and the other is the button-down foil. LETHAL WEAPON before one of its stars proved to really BE crazy.

So if you know that going in, and don’t mind exploding f-bombs everywhere – if you don’t go in with expectations any higher than laughs from Sandra Bullock blowing a peanut shell out of her nose, you will have a rollicking good time with THE HEAT.

I did. (See?  I told it was positive.)

Why? Melissa McCarthy is a riot. This is the comic role she was born to play (and undoubtedly will play again in eight more films even though it will get tiresome by the fifth). She’s the queen of bad ass. Melissa hits every joke out of the park and when you see what she can do with decent material it’s really apparent that her talents are being wasted on MIKE & MOLLY.

Credit Katie Dippold with writing hilarious lines for her to say. The jokes come fast and furious and got many good laughs from the audience I saw the movie with – and that was at a DGA screening, so we’re not talking your typical high school target crowd.

And remember, there’s extra pressure on the script because… well, you’ve already seen this movie ten times.

Major kudos also go to Sandy Bullock. This was clearly Melissa’s movie, she had the much showier part, and Ms. Bullock does have an Academy Award, but she proved once again to be a great sport and more importantly, a deft comedienne. She has a nice light touch, knows her way around a joke, plays real, can take a pratfall, and has the knack for not taking herself too seriously while still playing a serious character. Other than her taste in husbands, Sandra Bullock has great instincts.

Between THE HEAT and BRIDESMAIDS, Paul Feig is proving himself to be an A-list studio comedy director. Please don’t blow it by thinking you’re the next Judd Apatow and do a four-hour comedy starring your family members.

So to sum up – low expectations, DEADWOOD-quantity of fucks, a thousand cliches, but if you like Melissa McCarthy unleashed and Sandra Bullock in a bra, THE HEAT is a fun romp.  But be forewarned -- if that's not your cup of tea you may just HATE this film. 

What did you moviegoers think?

Should Puig be an All-Star?

Major League Baseball just doesn’t get it. They never have. This is why Les Moonves needs to be the commissioner.   MLB spends so much time arguing minutia that they miss the big picture. The latest raging controversy-over-nothing is this: Should Yasiel Puig play in the All-Star Game later this month?

Yes, I know. Most of you are saying who’s Yasiel Puig? And how do you even pronounce his name? (It’s “Pweeg”) You will be among the majority of people not watching the All-Star Game, despite it’s claim that “that this time it means something.”

So who is Yasiel Puig? He’s a young Cuban defector who joined the Los Angeles Dodgers in early June and turned in one the greatest single months any player has done over the last 140 years. That’s all. Record-breaking number of hits, monster home runs, spectacular catches, unbelievable throws, lightening speed. He has almost single-handedly turned the Dodgers’ fortunes around. The only thing he hasn’t done is sung the national anthem.

But many managers, and coaches, and executives don’t feel he should be in the All-Star Game because he’s only been on the scene for a month of the three-month season. His inclusion would tarnish the “integrity” of what it means to be an All-Star.

Here’s the point they’re all missing:

THIS IS JUST A FRIGGIN’ TELEVISION SHOW.

Nothing more.  It's a spectacle.  The Ice Capades with cleats.  Who does the audience want to see?  That's the ONLY question.  Period. End of discussion. Statistics are meaningless. Time-of-service is meaningless.

The game is meaningless!

Hollywood understands this. When actors break out in movies or series they become All-Stars overnight. You think ABC told the producers of HAPPY DAYS to not use the Fonz so much because he’s taking too much screen time away from star Ronny Howard? You think Top 40 radio stations refused to play Justin Bieber because he was only 16 and hadn’t paid his dues? Or Neil Patrick Harris was forbidden from hosting the Tony Awards because he wasn’t on Broadway last season?

GET REAL.

My partner and I wrote a pilot for Fox once and we got the following note: "Add a hot babe. Make her a series regular." I asked: “To do what?” And they said, “We don’t care.” You gotta applaud their honesty. They knew why people watched Fox.  Had we said, "But a hot babe will just destroy the integrity of our concept" they'd have laughed at us. 

For many baseball fans, Yasiel Puig is the ONLY reason they’d want to watch the All-Star Game. You think they’re tuning in to hear Tim McCarver prattle on incessantly about nothing? Or to see the big rivalry between the American and National League? Now that there’s so much interleague play the leagues have been blurred to the point where there no longer is any real novelty of seeing the AL and NL compete.

In a desperate attempt to fool the fans into thinking the game actually means something (after it ended one year in a tie when they embarrassingly ran out of players), the winning league gets home field advantage in the World Series. No one gives a shit. Not even the players. Do you think the buried-in-last-place Houston Astros care if the American League gets home field advantage? Half of the team doesn’t even know they’re now in the American League.

Fans get to vote for the players, but they get to stuff the ballot boxes. Karl Rove would like to replace the Electoral College with this system. You can vote up to 35 times on line or as many actual ballots as you want. As a result, guys with .200 averages have made All-Star squads. But again, so what? The fans vote for the players they want to see. Maybe one out of 100,000 checks the Sabermetrics before making his selections.

One year Steve Garvey of the Dodgers took home reams of ballots and he and his (then) wife filled in enough write-in votes to actually get him selected. And then he wound up winning the MVP award of that year’s All-Star Game.


So who are we kidding with the integrity of the Mid-Summer Classic?

It’s a fun television show. For hardcore baseball fans like me I wouldn’t miss it for the world. But I don’t give a rat’s ass who wins. I want a 9-8 game. I want the home run derby to be part of the game itself. I want a manager to be ejected for arguing. I want to see incompetent umpire Angel Hernandez call a ball foul that sails over the centerfield wall.

Yasiel Puig will be selected to the All-Star squad. How come? Because the fans get to vote one final reserve and he’s on the ballot. He’s up against Ian Desmond, Freddie Freeman, Adrian Gonzalez and Hunter Pence. Who do you think Fox would prefer – Yasiel Puig or Ian Desmond?

Now, in the American League, these are the five household names vying for the last spot: Steve Delabar, David Robertson, Koji Uehara, Tanner Scheppers, and Joaquin Benoit. Do you know who any of these potential All-Stars are? (I do and vote for Steve Delebar.)

Oh, and by the way, this is not the first time Major League Baseball has wrestled with this dilemma over whether a rookie who broke in mid-season should qualify for the All-Star squad. It happened JUST LAST YEAR. And Bryce Harper did make the team. So what are we arguing about?

JUST ADD THE HOT BABE.

My first "dirty" movie

Here's another excerpt from my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).  You can order it (or write a glowing review, which would really be appreciated) here. 

I had just turned 16.
One day I read in the paper that a new French movie was opening called THE GAME IS OVER. The review mentioned that Jane Fonda starred and was naked in quite a few scenes. This I HAD to see!

It was only playing at one art theater on La Brea in Hollywood. Damn! Why couldn’t it be at the Baronet (the local art theater that showed Fellini films to empty seats)?

I knew mom and dad wouldn’t let me borrow the car to see Jane Fonda’s vagina on the big screen and besides, it was only playing “over the hill” (anything not in the San Fernando Valley was considered "over the hill". But when you're nervous about driving that "hill" might as well have been the Andes).

So I convinced Lester Nafybal who worked with me at Wallichs Music City and was a grown up at 19 to take me in exchange for gas, dinner, and tickets.

Ohmygod!

If God can create a creature like this and in His divine mercy allow me to see her naked on a diving board, then He must truly exist.

For several days after I walked with a swagger. Yes, I was still a virgin and no, that wasn’t about to change anytime soon – but I was different, changed. I had become a man. I had seen a French movie.

A mystery of the ages finally SOLVED!

I am not a master chef. And I'll admit -- some things in the kitchen baffle me. Like how does one slice a piece of cheese? I always thought this would be one of those secrets I'd be destined to go through life not knowing. But now, for the first time, like a great magic trick revealed, comes actual instructions on exactly how you slice a piece of cheese. And as if that weren't mind blowing enough, you also learn how to clean the cheese slicer.   Un-fucking-believable!   So submitted for your amazement -- how to slice a piece of cheese.  

Julia Duffy, Jan Smithers, and the Pineapple

Yes, it’s a holiday weekend, but I never stand down from my Friday Question watch. So here they are:

Klee gets us started:

Perhaps it's been brought up before. Kirstie as Shelley's replacement brought new life to the show. On the other hand, when Julia Duffy replaced Delta Burke on Designing Women, the show never quite recovered. Conversely, when Julia replaced Jennifer Holmes on Newhart, the show blossomed. Ken, what are your thoughts on actors brought in during a show's run. "Formula"? Luck? Combination of both? Thanks!!

Definitely a combination. First, the writers have to create a good character. There are many factors to that. What makes the character interesting and funny? And equally important, how does that character fit into the mix with the rest of the characters on your show? What purpose does he serve your series? What will the other characters' attitudes be towards him?  And what comic mileage can you get as a result?  

New characters can shake things up and add fresh life to your series if developed correctly.

Next you have to cast the right person. I agree that when Julia Duffy joined NEWHART that’s when the show really took off. Put her in the right role and she is hilarious. I think she was mis-cast DESIGNING WOMEN.

But luck is so key. Let’s say Kirstie Alley was not available when we were casting the Rebecca part for CHEERS? Or David Ogden Stiers on MASH?

It’s always a Catch-22 because you want the best actors. But the best actors are the ones usually working and so are not available. That’s why it’s such a gift when someone like Woody Harrelson walks in to read for Woody on CHEERS. (And by the way, it’s purely coincidental that the character was named Woody. How many people do you encounter named Woody?)

Michael wonders:

These days it is easy for viewers to point out continuity errors and/or complain to showrunners on social media. In pre-Internet days, did you get similar letters from viewers?

Oh sure. There are viewers who pay way more attention to the details of shows than the writers. We had a guy on CHEERS who called himself “the Pineapple.”  He once sent us a detailed chart of how many times we used the stock shot with the grey car driving by. He cataloged all of the stock shots for every episode. He sent us page after page of this stuff.

And if there was any miniscule inconsistency or two shots that didn’t match we’d hear about it.

We’d be in a late night rewrite at 1 a.m. and some logistic question would arise and we’d all say, “Let’s call the Pineapple. Let’s wake him up. He’d know.”

That said, we always appreciated that there were fans who were so devoted. We thanked the Pineapple for his efforts and sent him lots of CHEERS swag.

jcs asks:

You've mentioned problems with networks failing to promote shows several times. With many alternatives to TV and dwindling audiences, what do you consider to be effective promotion today? Online ads, showing up at Comic-Con in full force or still old-fashioned TV promos?

Answer: All of the above and more. I’d have fan pages on every social network that has an icon. I’d encourage my writing staff to have Twitter accounts and I’d be tweeting like mad. I’d try to set up “behind the scenes” videos for a fan website and YouTube.  I'd set up on-line contests giving away signed scripts. 

And if critics responded to the show I would go back and enlist their help in getting the word out.

I would pretty much do anything short of making the P.A.’s wear sandwich boards and walking through malls.

ALISON GRAHAM wonders:

I see you said you worked some with Hugh Wilson (WKRP) I bet you wanted to do some writing for that show. Tell us if there is a Hugh Wilson, WKRP, Ken Levine story out there....

With my background in being fired from radio stations, I would have LOVED to have written for WKRP. But at the time my partner and I were working on MASH. I also would like to have been reunited with my high school friend, Jan Smithers. You didn’t know I went to high school with Jan Smithers? That’s why you need to read my book, which you can order and enjoy here. (What an artful subtle plug.)

What’s your question? Have a great and safe holiday weekend.

Dave Niehaus celebrates the 4th of July

Dave Niehaus WAS Seattle baseball.  From their very first game until he unfortunately passed away in 2010, Dave was the voice of the Mariners.  He was passionate, colorful, and something that is sadly almost gone in baseball broadcasting these days -- a storyteller.  Even with bad teams, fans would tune in just to hear Dave spin a yarn.  Play-by-play was an art.  And now, as someone said, the airwaves are filled with "blow dried voices." 

Back in the early '90s it was my honor to be his partner.  Dave had many traditions.  As much as he loved the Mariners he loved this country more.  And every 4th of July he wore this guady red, white, and blue shirt and an even guadier red, white,, and blue jacket.  I don't know if any photos of that jacket exist.

This was a photo from July 4th, 1992.  We were in Tiger Stadium, Detroit.  In the shot you have me, Kevin Cremin (the best producer-engineer in sports and unrelated fields), and Mr. Niehaus sporting his holiday-appropriate-but-not-appropriate-for-any-other day shirt.

They say the 4th of July is as American as baseball and apple pie.  I would also add Dave Niehaus.   

Happy July 4th

Why the hell do people buy home fireworks?

How many fingers and eyebrows do they have to lose? How many trailer parks have to burn down before they learn?

What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 inch “strike force missile”?

Or a “Mad Dog”
 “Bazooka Bear”
“Titanium Cracker”
“Dragon’s Wrath”
“Big Mama Jama"
“Brutal Force”
“Nuke Power”
“Pull String Grenade”
“Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”
“Caliber Blast”
“Car Bomb”
“Big Earthquake”
“Jumboshell Fountain”
“Pyrogyro”
“Cracker Jack in a Box”
“Deadly Fire”
“Battle of New Orleans”
“Pay Back”
“Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?)
“Air Raid”
Or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?

Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.

Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshal is someone more impressive than Tom Arnold.

Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. Don't blow your fingers off.

It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp

People generally can’t believe that I’ve had so many careers. Comedy writer, baseball announcer, director, Amway salesman, screaming disc jockey, etc. They say no one has worn more hats. That’s lovely to hear and I’m very proud of my accomplishments (especially Amway), but I’m here to tell ya – it’s not even close.

Reading the wedding announcements in a recent New York Times I came upon this guy. Check out his resume:

Dr. (Sander Marc) Rabin, 66, an ophthalmologist, has a line of clothing and accessories for girls. And until 2011 was a patent lawyer in Saratoga Springs, N.Y. He graduated from New York University, and has a master’s degree in nuclear engineering from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, a law degree from Columbia and a medical degree from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx.

(By the way, his fiancée’s father won a Nobel Prize so she didn’t exactly come from a trailer park background.)

Holy shit! Suddenly my being a weekend disc jockey in Bakersfield and writer of MANNEQUIN 2 doesn’t seem so impressive.

There are over-achievers and there are over-achievers.

Another is former actress Hedy Lamarr. In addition to being a huge movie star in the ‘30s, ‘40s, and ‘50s she also invented some frequency hopping device that serves as the forerunner of Wifi and Bluetooth and prevented the enemy from detecting our torpedoes. Let’s see Kim Kardashian do that.

And then there’s Paul Winchell. He was a ventriloquist and kids’ show TV host in the ‘50s who in his spare time invented the first mechanical artificial heart.

Although she didn’t invent any miracle medical devices, Rachel Sweet has had a varied career. In the ‘80s she was a punk rock star. Today she’s a very successful sitcom writer.

My favorite though is James Lipton. Dean emeritus of the Actors School at Pace University in New York. He’s also the long time host of INSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO where he has perfected obsequious to a new art, is an airplane pilot, and now this: in the ‘50s he was a pimp in Paris. I wasn’t impressed until the last one.

The truth is all of us are multi-faceted. Whether that translates to varied careers depends on what those careers are, levels of initiative, age, and (in my case) luck. But time is wasting. If there’s something else you’d like to do or try why not give it a shot now? It’s the start of summer – a good excuse for a new beginning. Reading about the accomplishments of these individuals is inspiring. The message is clear: IT CAN BE DONE.

And I for one am going to take my own advice. Anyone know how you start an escort service?

Following up on Yesterday's post

First off, you guys were GREAT yesterday!!   Thanks so much for the amazing comments.  I think I agree with every single one of your pet peeves.  If you haven't read yesterday's post, just skim my rant and go right to the comments. 

I even agree about the ones you cited from shows I wrote.  A MASH episode David Isaacs and I penned called "The Merchant of Korea" involved a poker game where they discovered Charles had a tell.  He whistled when he bluffed.  So in the show when he whistled everyone stayed in or raised.  The point was made that yes, Charles would lose, but so would all of them except one.   Why were they all throwing in their money?   Believe it or not, David and I did debate that at the time.  We decided to justify it (rationalize? fool ourselves?) by saying over the course of the night they all would win some hands and come out okay.  And it sold the joke way better to have everyone throw in their money rather than just the one or two who felt they had a legitimately good hand.  But was it a stretch?  Damn right it was.

 A couple of you flagged CHEERS, notably what we called "the cone of silence."  At times people could hear a conversation across the bar and other times the person sitting on the next stool couldn't hear it.   We'd say, "are they in the cone of silence" this week? 

I wrote a post back in 2007 that dealt with a lot of the CHEERS inconsistencies.  Thought I'd share it again today.  Just know we were aware of these at the time but for specific reasons went with them anyway.  I suspect they bothered us way more than they bothered the viewers.  Still -- guilty as charged. 

Here's the post, and again, thanks for playing!

(Recently)  I touched on CHEERS and how no one ever paid for a drink. We writers knew this was a little dicey but who wanted to see Carla make change for twenty-two minutes or Sam putting his flirting on hold while he ran a credit card for approval?

There were other things we did sheepishly knowing we were stretching credibility.

No one came into town and checked into a hotel. They would go from the airport straight to the CHEERS bar, not even bothering to call to check if the person they wanted to see was even there. And who just ASSUMES their friend will be in a bar at noon? It’s a stretch but it’s always better to see a character than just hear him on the phone. And we figured it wasn’t so bizarre that it would take the audience out of the show.

When those out of town visitors showed up at CHEERS they never had their luggage. We used to joke that there were taxi drivers in Boston with million dollar wardrobes.

The phone was wherever we wanted to place it for blocking purposes. At stage right one week, stage left the next. These were pre-cordless days.

The acoustics at CHEERS were very odd. Sometimes characters could hear all the way across the bar, other times they couldn’t. And the extras upstage at the bar could never hear anything, even though they were two seats away.

Sam cut more lemons than every other bartender in America combined.

Cliff wore his postal uniform even on Sunday. (We did a lot of things with that character but we did think it would stretch believability to ever have John Ratzenberger dance on a show.)  Note:  DWTS reference.  John was on it one year. 

In the second episode it was established that Sam was divorced, then never mentioned it again.

There were many times when no one was tending the bar. And after Diane left Carla was the only waitress. That must’ve made for some long 16 hour shifts.

As a noted psychiatrist and author of books and articles, Frasier spent as much time in the bar as Norm. When did he ever work we often asked ourselves in the room?

In one episode (that David and I wrote) Norm has to keep feeding a parking meter. That means a guy who drinks beer all day and night drives to and from the bar?

But I will say, to our credit, that we did not go through with the episode where Rebecca gets trapped in a giant Tupperware container. It was quite a discussion though. What clinched it was the argument that if the top were sealed tight Rebecca would get no air and die. There’s only so far you can with creative license and we felt death was just a little over that line. We’d get letters. I know we’d get letters.

Things that drive me crazy

Okay.  I admit -- it's a long list that covers just about everything in daily life.  But I'm going to concentrate today on television. 

As a TV writer, these things stick out for me. And some of them I’m guilty of doing myself. But there are bits of behavior or speech patterns that are frequently used that don’t feel real. And yet, they’re very acceptable on TV although not in real life. Some examples:

Did you ever notice that very few people on television say goodbye when they finish a phone conversation? They just hang up. How much longer would it take to say “Bye” or “See you” or “call me back when you steal the Hope Diamond, thanks?” Wouldn’t you find that rude if people never said goodbye to you? “Bring home the cleaning on your way home.” CLICK.

Characters also tell each other things that are obvious or things they already know. I loved 24 but this always drove me scooters. Jack Bauer calls Chloe to tap into some schematic that will help him find a bomb that will blow up the universe. He calls her four times and always says, “Chloe, hurry! If you don’t find that schematic the world is going to end.” Like if he didn’t remind her she might’ve just gone off and taken her break. I always wanted her to say, “Jack, I KNOW! I’m not a fucking idiot!” But that convention is to remind the viewers that there is a huge imperative involved here and some of them are fucking idiots.

Fellow blogger/writer Earl Pomerantz once pointed out that in every cop show, whenever someone is arrested and put into a police car, one of the cops will always put his hand on the perp's head as he gets in so it shouldn’t hit the door frame. When do people ever do that? When was the last time you grabbed your date’s head and said “get in there!” as you stuffed her into your car?  (Okay, last Thursday doesn't count,)

In television, people call each other by name way more than in real life. “Thanks for the staple gun, Sara.” “No problem, Marvin.” If a spouse or parent calls you by name it’s usually means you're in trouble. The next time you’re hanging out with a buddy, make note of how many times you call each other by name during the course of say a five-minute conversation. Once? Maybe. (And “dude” doesn’t count.)

Questions are always deflected and the person asking them never follows up. “Why are we climbing this cliff?” “Later. The sun’s going down.” “Okay.” Huh? They did this all the time in LOST. “How come we’re back in 1955?” “There’s a tree. We can rest now.” “Okay.” Wouldn’t he say, “Fuck the tree! Why the hell is our president Dwight Eisenhower?  It's kind of important.”

TV women all wear full make-up to bed.

TV women generally have sex with their tops on.

Apartment front doors are usually unlocked.  Even in New York.  

Whenever a potential suspect is questioned by the police he’s always abrasive and dismissive. Just once I’d like to see one worried. “You’re coming to me? You really think I did it? Why do you think that? Am I in big trouble?” I’d be scared shitless if two detectives from homicide showed up at my front door – even if I didn’t do anything. But on TV, ballet teachers and crossing guards say, “Unless you got an arrest warrant get the hell off my porch.” Or “Yeah, I knew her. I hated the bitch. She ruined my life and stole my money, but I didn’t kill her.” Who tells the cops that and is able to sleep at night?

And then there’s the scenic conversation. Two people discussing or arguing over something while walking around town. The camera cuts from location to location but the conversation continues uninterrupted. Example: Mike & Lisa are strolling through Manhattan. They’re at the Natural Museum. Mike says: “So would you like to go out Saturday Night?” Cut to Central Park. Lisa: “Sure. Wanna see a movie?” Cut to Times Square. Mike: “Great. What do you wanna see?” Cut to the Statue of Liberty. Lisa: “I hear VOLUNTEERS is good.” You get the… (cut to another blog) idea.

These all fall under the heading of creative license and I get that. There are always parking spaces right in front, people always get window tables in restaurants, etc. But it’s like spotting a piece of white lint on a dark suit. You know it’s there, it doesn’t ruin the suit, but it bugs you.

What are your creative license pet peeves?