Sunday, July 14, 2013

Emmy categories I'd like to see

This year's Emmy nominations will be announced Thursday morning. Can you stand the suspense? Ratings for the show have been dwindling over the years. In an effort to stem that tide the Academy has wisely chosen Neil Patrick Harris to host. Remember a few years ago when they had a committee of reality show hosts do it? Neil will try to be better than Ryan Seacrest, the hilarious Jeff Probst, and Heidi Klum. I have a good feeling.

The Academy has also considered changing some of the categories, making them more relevant. Here are a few that I propose. The ATAS is welcome to use them. All I ask in return is a lifetime achievement award to be presented by Heidi Klum.

Best plausible sci-fi drama
Best implausible sci-fi drama
Best series that never aired on any network
Best series only on the air because it’s owned by the network
Best actor with plastic surgery
Best series that has changed timeslots so often you don’t even know it’s still on the air
Best series regular who got killed this season
Best series regular you wish would be killed next season
Best variety, musical or documentary that doesn’t have three pledge breaks in it
Best screener DVD from a show that never in a million years would get nominated
Best director of single-handheld-jilting-nausea-producing-camera show
Best director who can handle Mandy Patinkin
Best former sitcom ingĂ©nue who now plays someone’s mother
Best actress playing the thankless best friend
Best actress who always thought television was a comedown and is now lucky to be working
Best guest appearance by an actress just out of rehab
Best actress from a series in that gray area of not really a comedy or a drama
Best performance by an actor speaking nonsensical procedural gobbledygook
Best actor who replaced the original actor who was fired for testing poorly
Best actor getting by strictly on his looks
Best series that should have won instead of MAD MEN.
Best made-for-tv movie originally made for theatrical release but couldn’t get a distributor
Best reality show without Tom Bergeron
Best reality show where people don’t bathe (includes ‘American Idol’)
Best canceled series
Best half-hour comedy vagina jokes writer
Special Governors Award to the Golden Globes Announcement

As always, I'll be reviewing the Emmy Awards ceremony later this summer.  Good luck to all the hopefuls.


Edward Copeland said...

Best Category That Makes Absolutely No Sense Even Under the Emmys' Own Rules

Ray Barrington said...

Best host who is married to the head of the network.

Klee said...

One of the worst Emmy broadcasts to be the one with Ray Romano, not due to him, but the "round" audience concept...he practically presented half of the show with his back to the audience. Another bright Hollywood idea!

emily said...

Best Blog by an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer.

Joseph Scarbrough said...

Ah great... we were FINALLY getting a break from NPH, now they're gonna start shoving him down our throats all over again... just like Steve Carell.

Mac said...

C'mon Ken? You know we don't need vagina jokes, the word itself is hilarious and just saying it is enough to guarantee big laughs. "2 Broke Girls" has a guy with a rubber stamp who puts it on every third page, then they just write around it.

Liberal Cunt said...

Best implausible sci-fi drama? Anything on Fox News.

cadavra said...

Best Series With At Least Three Regular Cast Members Over 49.

RCP said...

Daytime Talk Show with Best Canned Audience Reactions.

Best Incessant Build-up to a Live Episode.

Reality Show with the Best Imbeciles.

vicernie said...

and the winners are; sorry, the emmy goes to.....?

Cap'n Bob said...

Best Reaction to a DNA Test on Maury.

Seriously, why does PBS have such long and annoying pledge breaks? Why not just have a few minutes of them spotted into the program like regular commercials? And is there a law that says the people nagging me for money have to be so damn ugly? Inquiring minds want to know.

AlaskaRay said...

Best aging actress who still looks human.

Craig L. said...

Talk Show With Most Off-Screen Drama

Best Editing of a Non-Scripted Show to Make It Fit a Script

Best Performance by a Zombie or Other Soulless Corpse Not on a 'News' Channel

Best Performance in a Dramatic Series of a Sympathetic Character (category cancelled this year due to lack of potential nominees)

Special Technical Award for Programming Laugh Tracks to Automatically Engage When a Character Uses a Word That Never Would Have Been Allowed on M*A*S*H

Lorimartian said...

Ray Barrington said...
Best host who is married to the head of the network

LOL!!! I worked for this jerk, and while you sing his praises, Ken, and second wife Chen is all mushy-gushy over him, in my experience he was an egotistical backstabber and untrustworthy...and that's not just sour grapes. I'm not the only one. But I suppose I should blame myself. My suck-up skills are fairly effective, but I apparently misjudged just how much sucking-up-to this guy required.

Oh, and this would be a daytime category: Most irritatingly phony female on an early morning talk show - the Emmy goes to Lara Spencer who far outdistances the competition...including Hoda and Kathy Lee.

Rob said...

Best thankless role on a show no one cares about (and the Emmy goes to Nancy Travis).

Thomas said...

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series that isn't the DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

Tod Hunter said...

You missed one that was coming straight down the middle. The Emmys haven't been given for BEST anything for a LONG time, maybe dating back to the Academy presidency of Rod Serling. Emmys are given for OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT in something.

Often people say "the nomination is the real honor," but in the case of the Emmys a nomination is LITERALLY THE SAME AS AN AWARD.

Think about it: "I was nominated for outstanding achievement in writing." "I won for outstanding achievement I writing." Same thing.

Two time nominee for Outstanding Achievement.

Stephanie said...

Timely question - completely unrelated to this post...

As the producers/writers of Glee, how do you handle Cory Monteith's death? They already have at least one show filmed. Do you run it as is? Try to modify it? Address his character leaving the show in the next episode they shoot? I'm really curious... this must have happened before.

Dan Ball said...

You guys left out the best ones!

Best Animated Series That Didn't Repeat Itself For the Umpthousandth Time

Best Series That Jumped The Shark

Best Use of Tired Cliches

Best Bicycle Chase

Best Performance of Actor/Actress Removing Sunglasses

Best Catered Series

Best Sonic Wallpaper

Lifetime Achievement Award for Homer Simpson

Best Funny-Sounding Name of Below-Line Crew Member In the Credits (If You Can Read Them)

Best Freeze-Frame Moment on DVR

Best Performance by Actor/Actress Pulling Someone Else's Hair in Fight

Best Failed Attempt by a Seinfeld Alum This Season

Best Beer

Best Turkey Episode of WKRP

Best in Show

Best well, I'm done.

Steve said...

Stephanie, you mean like when Coach died with respect to Cheers?

Oddly enough, Glee already hadn't handled his absence. As I recall, his last episode had Finn making up with Shue and swearing to help them win Regionals. Then Finn's not seen again, even *at* Regionals where almost all the other graduates show up. It appears that would be the cutoff where the actor entered rehab, but there wasn't even any dialog to explain his absence ("It's really a shame Finn broke both legs slipping on that banana peel and has been in a hospital the past three weeks")

Anonymous said...

chuckcd said...

I nominate "Zero Hour" for best cancelled series.

MuffinMan21571 said...

How about: Frasier/Modern Family Award for Most Over-awarded Beyond Reason Series, and The John Ritter/Kathryn Jootsen Award for a dead person who undeservedly gets nominated and screws someone else our of a spot; and HOW has Steve Carell been "shoved down our throats", Scarbrough???

Storm said...

Cap'n Bob Said:

"Seriously, why does PBS have such long and annoying pledge breaks? Why not just have a few minutes of them spotted into the program like regular commercials? And is there a law that says the people nagging me for money have to be so damn ugly? Inquiring minds want to know."

Speak it, brother, and add my mind to the inquiry. And I don't know about the one in your area, but the PBS station in San Diego plays the exact same five or six programs OVER AND OVER, for weeks at a time. The stations in San Francisco and San Jose always bring (brought? Haven't seen Bay Area TV in 15 years) out the best and most requested shows and series for their Beg Breaks; the one in SJ plays tons of "Doctor Who", "Red Dwarf", and other British sci-fi, because that's what their viewers *pay to see*. We get Dr. Wayne Dyer and Suze Orman telling us how to run our lives, and "Celtic Woman" and "Best of Doo-Wop". For WEEKS. Yeesh.

Cheers, thanks a lot,