Tuesday, September 12, 2006

More riffs, more raffs....

The Motion Picture Academy announced that Ellen DeGeneres will host this year’s Oscarcast. Katie Couric was unavailable. Ellen is a major movie star. Pictured is her most famous screen role.

I like Ellen DeGeneres but feel that if they gave Jon Stewart a few years to grow into the role he could have been the Oscar host for the next ten years. That said, anyone but Whoopi.

Al Michaels is a sensational football announcer but if it’s a game on NBC I still miss Dick Enberg.

“Carolyn, you’re fired!” This from Donald Trump. The reason – she let television go to her head. HER head, Donald??? HER head??? For Chrissakes, YOU sang on the Emmys last year!!!

I wonder who will replace her on THE APPRENTICE. Katie Couric was unavailable.

Katie’s audience was down 45% in three days. Again, competition from the Chabad Telethon.

Keith Olbermann is my hero. His 9/11 commentary deserves not just a Pulitzer but a Nobel prize.

American League Manager of the Year – Jim Leyland.
National League Manager of the Year – Joe Girardi. Too bad he’s going to get fired.

Was that Kathleen Turner on NIP/TUCK or Judi Densch?

Bob Dylan’s new album is great. But Bob, Jews do not look good in cowboy hats.

Despite the fear of some white supremacy groups, I don’t think the reward challenges on this edition of SURVIVOR will really determine which race is superior. But I sure wish Don Rickles was the host this go-round.

With Francisco Liriano off the Disabled List, look for the Twins to overtake the Tigers…and wreak havoc in a short playoff series.

For those who see Diane Lane in HOLLYWOODLAND and gasp because she’s gotten so old looking, fear not. I saw her in person a couple of months ago and am happy to report she still looks scrumptious…even with food in her mouth.

Is there a Bette Ford Center for those addicted to Free Cell. I need help!

Jerry Springer on DANCING WITH THE STARS? That’s one of their big "celebrities"? Who do I throw a chair at in protest?

Will the Oakland Raiders ever score a point this season?

Woody Allen drinking game: Watch SCOOP and chug every time you see something derivative from one of his previous movies. From Scarlett Johansson playing Louise Lasser to Woody playing Broadway Danny Rose, to the same plot as MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY, to a character being a magician, to the Jew jokes, and fear of driving jokes, and well…you’ll be snorkered by the third reel.

Don’t call Sean Combs “Diddy” in England anymore. In an out-of-court settlement he agreed to drop the stupid moniker which conflicted with a noted London based music producer (whose first name was Doo Wah). Mr. Combs is also forbidden from calling himself Ant, Lulu, Elvis, Prince, Annette, Moby, the letters B.-K., Spanky, Cher, Mr. Moto, House, Mr. Clean, T-bag, Metamusal, Bono, Rabbi Svee Rosenbaum, Fantasia, Bubba the Love Sponge, Fonzie, Grover, Jewel, the Duke of Earl, Monk, Burger King, Tootsie, Raffi, Trix, Jack FM, Beck, Ice Blended, White Fang, Black Tooth, Ol' Blue Eyes, Big Papi, Madonna, Goldfinger, the Round Mound of Rebound, Beyonce, Hud, Twiggy, R2D2, Dr. Pepper, Viagra, Windex, Sting, Cleopatra, El Duque, Scooby Do, Rambo, Meatloaf, Slash, and the Little Mermaid. Fortunately, Putz. A. Hole, and Whoopi are still acceptable.

Knock me over with a feather. A new SCIENTIFIC study has determined that actors are narcissists. Who knew??? You mean they dress up in costumes to bring attention to themselves? Next thing we’ll learn is that Donald Trump is a narcissist. The only thing surprising about this finding is that it wasn’t a government study that cost taxpayers $236 million.

Tomorrow: my review of HOLLYWOODLAND.



I have to agree... Nix on Whoopi.


Callaghan said...

Keith Olbermann has single-handedly given me reason to watch MSNBC.

Any chance you guys could send him up here to Canada with some choice words for our current Conservative government?

Anonymous said...

While I agree with some of Olberman's thoughts (Bush refuses to close the border, so we can't say the country is "secure"), the rest of his comments sound like his usual childish insults and chest-thumping.

Look, we get it -- you all don't like Bush or Republicans. But the truth is, they won (not stole, WON) three elections in a row (Presidency and Legislature, included). If and when they lose, then Democrats will be in charge. That's how it works.

Look, you can call all of us "stupid" or "knuckle-draggers" or whatever you like -- apparently just because we have ideas that differ from yours. That's your perogative, I suppose. Part of this "tolerance" I've heard some on the Left speak of.

My question is, and always has been, this: Why the hell are we fighting amongst ourselves when we have a perfectly good enemy who wants to kill us (that's ALL of us -- Left, Right, and Center)?

Politics should really stop at the water's edge.

Christina said...

Maybe I'm the only one who saw Mr. Wrong? It was a pretty good flick. Bill Pullman played a convincing obsessive weirdo that rivals Billy Murray in What About Bob? And Ellen *almost* convinced me a straight woman, which shows she can act pretty damn well.

Big Blotto said...

To be honest, isn't Ellen most memorable screen role a blue fish?

Anonymous said...

Yes, Ellen's best movie role was in "Finding Nemo". Jon Stewart is a good Oscar host getting better, but I think the funniest host in recent years was Steve Martin.
I agree with your remark about Keith Olbermann's commentary 100%. And "Greg", the Republicans LOST in 2000, and DID steal the White House. Bush belongs in jail, not the White House.
Perhaps if our president's father wasn't a business partner of our enemies abroad...
But Bush has vowed to catch Osama sometime this century.

Anonymous said...

Keith Olbermann is now and always has been my hero. His commentary came from the heart. If you missed it, it's on his blog http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6210240/

Oh Ken, I hate blanket statements like "Jews shouldn't wear cowboy hats!" (maybe it's just Bob Dylan who shouldn't wear one).Then I tried to picture you and others in a Stetson... hmmm... perhaps you're right after all. Although my Dad always looked good in one.. but, he really rode horses and shot guns.. maybe that's the diff!

Anonymous said...

PS: if you liked KeithO, you'll love Garrison Keillor

Anonymous said...

"Jews do not look good in hats"


I beg to differ!


Alex Epstein said...

What is it y'all in Hollywood have against Whoopi hosting? Too political?

Anonymous said...

Please don't get diverted by politics -- I want to hear about Diane Lane. *Sigh*

And I'll be interested in follow ups about the 12 step FreeCell program. Perhaps there will be a companion program for Spider Solitaire?

Beth Ciotta said...

Sharon, thank you for the link to Olbermann's blog. I just read it and that passionate commentary will stay with me a good long time.

Ken, sadly I have to agree about SCOOP. I wanted to love it. I only liked it--sort of. Right off the bat I kept asking myself, why is Johansson (whose acting I respect) doing a female Woody Allen? It seemed forced. Certainly not fresh. And while I thought the premise intriguing, I felt he could have done so much more with Ian McShane's character. *sigh* But that's just me.

Anonymous said...

I concur with your Managers-of-the-Year picks at the moment, but what if the Twins do overtake the Tigers? What if the Tigers, despite their incredible season, don't even make the playoffs?

And I don't understand this whole Joe Girardi thing. Where did all this talk about canning him (no pun intended) come from? Look at the team he has! He's done an amazing job with a bunch of rookies (and Dontrelle and Cabrera). This is a team that can probably contend for a World Series next year and they want to fire him? Talk about stupid.

And I wholeheartedly agree with your Olbermann remark. He and Jon Stewart seem to be the only journalists (you like that? I just called Jon Stewart a journalist) who have the balls to call bullshit on these idiots in Washington. Just because some people can't accept the truth, that doesn't make it any less real.

Anonymous said...

Anyone who think Olbermann's commentary deserves a Nobel Prize, is, frankly, just as stupid as they're always saying Bush is. Olbermann makes *some* valid points, but they are buried in hateful and childish comments that are just as divisive as he claims Bush is. But that's expected from someone like Olbermann - try talking to some of his current and former collegues and see what they think of him. Not a nice guy.

It's scary to see people flocking to extremists on both sides and lavishing them with praise. I fear for the future of our country.

Anonymous said...

Democrats will probably win the 2008 elections and then they can be blamed for everything. Unfortunately, that's the way American politics work.

So back to greg's question: "Why the hell are we fighting amongst ourselves when we have a perfectly good enemy who wants to kill us (that's ALL of us -- Left, Right, and Center)?"

It is so sad....


Anonymous said...

Greg, perhaps you missed a major point in Olbermann's commentary. The reason we are fighting amongst ourselves is because this administration has set us at each other's throats. Every time they label a dissenting thought as unpatriotic or forgetful of the events of 9/11 they create a rift between us that causes us to squabble amongst ourselves while the administration quietly and secretly continues its agenda of preventative war, corporate profiteering, secret detentions, and false patriotism.

If you want to put it in terms of winning and losing, we have all lost. We've lost the moral high ground. We've lost the world's support. We've lost site of things that supposedly make this country great: freedom and our ability to exercise it as we see fit, even if it goes against the prevailing political winds.

Anonymous said...


Just to go down your list --

Name one freedom that you have lost. Any freedom. The fact that you are talking smack about the leader of the country and you're not being put feet first through a meat grinder kinds pokes a hole in that one. Also, the fact that people like Cindy Sheehan the "Peace Mom" can say things like she wishes she could travel back in time and kill Bush when he was a baby = freedom.

Interestingly, not being able to show a miniseries without having your broadcasting license threatened unless you make edits that please one faction of the ruling class... that's what I consider a loss of freedom.

Also, we're in a war. I don't want the moral high ground, I don't care if France thinks we are "cowboys" (pronounced with an obnoxious French accent, of course). I want to live. If we don't kill the bad guys then they will kill us. That's it. They will not negotiate, they will not compromise, they will not listen to our "reasoning... calm, cool reasoning" (thank you Robert Reed) They've said so.

Lastly, simple policy disagreement doesn't cause rifts. The head of the Democratic party saying he "hates" Republicans?... that causes rifts.

john brodey said...

This political back and forth could get out of hand BUT the Keith Olbermann piece has many standing up and cheering. Simply because, unlike the admin. officials for whom the word 'shame' does not exist (especially when it comes to politically exploiting any opportunity no matter how inappropriate), KO wrote a beautiful, heartfelt commentary. All at once, it combined the emotions all of us have felt along with the anger and then outrage we have come to feel.

It summarized in a concise and logical way the evolution of our collective disapproval. The Greg's of the world constantly say it's all been said before but curiously none of them can deny the facts contained nor do they seem to learn anything from their constant repetition. Fortunately, many others have. Anyone who really thinks that by fighting terrorists 'over there', we avoid fighting them here, is ready for flying lessons from Tinkerbell.

As for Stewart, he could own the franchise in a few years much as Carson did, same temperment.

Fake sex to spice up Desp.H'wives? That's as compelling as House missing a Herpes diagnosis, I'll take something a little farther removed from daily life thank you.
Way to go Ken.

lotusgreen said...

you are too funny :^)

Anonymous said...

I can't agree more about Leyland.

Liriano is hurt again and supposedly done for the season.

Go Tigs!

Anonymous said...

You have all proven my theory. America will always be bogged down by the constant finger pointing being done from both sides of the aisle. What a shame.


MaryAn Batchellor said...

No, no, no, her most famous film role was a blue animated fish with short term memory loss

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