Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Only in LA

We’ve come a long way since the LA TIMES’ Marc C. Bloom tire ads and J. C. Penney white sale announcements. Here in Los Angeles we have the LA WEEKLY. Check out some of these ads.

Dr. Pam Mirabaldi offers Vaginal Rejuvenation for only $2500! (Does one choose from various styles? Where can I get a catalog?)

On your next lunch break, instead of hitting Quiznos, stop by Epione for a “one hour face lift” only $3900. I imagine it’s a Joan Rivers daily ritual.

Or, you can spend your lunch hour getting a dental implant for only $699 thanks to Meir Agaki D.D.S. Before you say no just remember this: He’s a UCLA graduate.

Natural Beauty offers 25% discounts on Botox & Restylane injections. Prices like that would put a smile on your face if you could smile.

Mens Renaissance offer hair transplants, just $3 per graft. And there’s plasma TV’s in all rooms along with complimentary chauffer services.

But Crown Cosmetic Surgery allows you get your hair back for just 67 cents each! Perfect if you only need say twenty hairs.

“Don’t be a gas-hole” proclaims the classy ad for Vespas.

Hey, there’s a Cosmoplast special over at Dr. Michael G. Franco’s. And it’s Zyplast season too! The good news gets even better. No skin test required!

No more unsightly vascular blemishes, gals! Starting for only $100 you can get rid of those Cherry Hemangiomas that have kept you home Saturday nights with that Rabbit Vibrator that everyone is talking about for only $99.

Depressed? Call the Schuster Medial Research Institute. You could even MAKE money – up to $320 for being in a study group. You could put that towards your vaginal reconstruction and really perk up your spirits.

Southwestern Research Inc. will pay up to $500 to depressives willing to be studied. But you have to be $170 MORE depressed than the Schuster groups.

“The Theraputic Power of Water” says the slogan. It’s for colon hydroptherapy. Also in the ad are illustrations of healthy and unhealthy colons so you can compare them to yours and see if you need their services.

DNA testing for Immigration is offered. Must use real hair, not the $3 grafts.

Livingreen store & gallery has Rainshow’r Filters “for softer hair, smoother skin, and healthier lungs”. Most respiratory problems can be traced back to shower nozzles.

Buy a mattress at Sit & Sleep and get free concert tickets.

At Pacific Support Services they say you can “get marijuana with this card”.

Star Strip Beverly Hills features the only shower stage in town. Hopefully they use the Rainshow’r Filters.

Eros Station gentleman’s club in Van Nuys says “If she’s not in your face, you’re in the wrong place.”

Meanwhile, 4Play boasts Tally Stevens who does flips in 9 inch heels! Hey, that one’s only five minutes from my house. I better start wrapping this up.

How could Marc C. Bloom compete with all that? Even if they were to advertise in the LA WEEKLY there’d be a competing ad that says, “Are your tires bald? Try our tread restoration treatment. Rubber grafts just $49.95 a tire. And whiten those white walls for only $69.95.”


Anonymous said...

I always bring a copy of the Village Voice back to the office from my New York visits for entertainment purposes, thanks to its even-larger back-of-the-paper collection of unique advertising (and it's just not the same seeing similar ads on Craig's List, since it's not all that much different from stuff on a thousand other websites).

Ian said...

Ken, shame on you! The world already thinks we're a bunch of shallow, preening narcissists, and now you've gone and proved it. I'd write more, but I have to get my dog to his therapy session.

Anonymous said...

If I spend $2500, I want a whole new vagina, not just a rejuvenation!

Tallulah Morehead said...

Epione is a GENIUS! I have her on speed-dial, for emergency lifts. Thank God she makes mansion calls for an extra $49.95. The reason I look nothing like my true age is due entirely to her deft staple gun. (Also, the normal look for my age is "30 years dead.")

I'm afraid though, that after - well - more than a few vaginal rejuvinations, Dr. Pam Mirabaldi, or as I call her, Dr. Pam (When someone "Rejuvinates" your vagina more than 10 times, you end up on a first name basis quickly.), has recommended that I go for a full vaginal transplant. I'm donor shopping now. I keep scanning the obits for virgin organ-doners who've been "Unfortunate." (Like being a virgin isn't misfortune enough.)

I suggested the "colon hydroptherapy" to little Douglas, as his overstressed colon has certainly seen better days, but he says he prefers "Colonic Homotherapy." I can't say I'm surprised.

However, Little Dougie WOULD like to contact Pacific Support Services for one of those pot cards, as his "Pharmacy" is getting really pricey. I keep telling him, liquer is quicker, and legal.

Cheers darlings.

blogward said...

...mutters something about hoping the vaginal reconstruction and the dental implants don't get confused.

Anonymous said...

Goodness you could go out for your lunch break in L.A. and by the time you return one hour later your own Mommy wouldn't recognise you.

Jim Endecott said...

Is the Rejuv clinic hiring?

webbie said...

I recently noticed a couple of billboards along a rural part of the interstate that I found quite interesting. One advertised laser eye surger for $695 per eye and the other was for DNA testing for $395.00.

Just had to wonder. Are these the things you would look to a billboard in the middle of nowhere as a reference? And if you need laser eye surgery, just how much of the sign can you read, retain, and write down moving at 70 mph?

Christina said...

All this -- for things that a rock concert and couple of beers would fix.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the vaginal rejuvenator can recite the California penile code while working??

Also, the "Adult Superstore - Truckers Discount" signs along the major interstates in the midwest. I beat myself up constantly wondering how I could choose working in the travel indistry over trucking when the discounts in trucking are clearly so much better than in travel...

Unknown said...

I'm going to start a band just so I can name it"Vaginal Rejuvenation"

Does the 2500 bucks include undercoating?

Jon Badeaux said...

Let's say I have a friend named Bobette. And, let's also say Bobette used to be called Bob. Would it be PC for me to give Bobette a gift certificate for the vaginal rejuvenation? And how do I respond if he/she replies, "Oh my God, that's exactly what I wanted -- you read my mind!!"

Better than that, I think I'll start my own business for the harried businessman on the go. I will do palm rejuvenation. And just in case the stories are true, I'll follow it up with a complementary palm wax.

Anonymous said...

Nice ESPN.com plug in senior baseball writer Jim Caple's column today :-)...


Anonymous said...

I'm sure Debby is having a fine guy guessing what item or combination of items will be her anniversary gift.