Monday, August 18, 2008

These are the big important stories that Americans are following today.

With expert analysis, this is your correspondent, Ken Levine.

Kate Winslet’s recent sex scene with Leonardo DiCaprio was directed by her husband, Sam Mendes.

Proving she’s just a regular down home gal she acknowledged it was “awkward”. Even more awkward was when Mendes asked her afterwards, “How was I compared to James Cameron?" Cameron directed her sex scene with Leo in TITANIC. There's soon to be a specific category for this in the next DGA awards.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married this weekend.

Portia was gorgeous in her wedding gown. Ellen was striking in her sweater and pants. Ellen is quoted as saying, "She’s taught me lessons about myself, and I feel like I’ve taught her." Yes, Portia now cries a lot and dresses like a 1950s frat boy.

Donald Trump bought Ed McMahon’s California House.

Thus sparing Ed the need for a 24 hour telethon. Trump said, “When I was at the Wharton School of Business I'd watch him every night. How could this happen?" Simple. There was nothing else on.

Who’s hotter? The U.S. women gymnasts in the Olympics or the U.S. women volleyball players?

Who cares? Have you seen Brazil??

Ernest Borgnine reveals at age 91 that he still masturbates a lot.

It’s a practice he began when married to Ethel Merman.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up.

I remember the days when Jennifer Aniston stayed in the national limelight by making movies.

Paul McCartney and new girlfriend, Nancy Shevell traveled around the U.S. in an old Bronco.

Nancy must’ve been thinking, “Heather Mills gets billions and I’m in a fucking Ford?”

Dodger outfielder, Manny Ramirez trimmed his dreadlocks one inch.

Local stations discontinued their 24 hour coverage.

Lindsay Lohan might be going back to men.

Now that Ellen is spoken for I guess what’s the use?

And finally, Nathan Lane is releasing a lip pumping machine.

It’s called “Lane’s Pillow Lips”. Yes, I don’t believe it either. It is in Google News but still! Hey, no one believed he could play a womanizer in ENCORE ENCORE either.


Doktor Frank Doe said...

Hey Ken,

Man you're missing the real news, Football has begun man! Since Miami hasn't had a team that can win so much as a scrimmage with itself, the cheerleaders have had to take to bikinis to get some media...

Now that's news!

Anonymous said...

Given how physically repulsive Borgnine has always been, his masturbation revelation is no surprise. He also revealed that, at least while in the service, he went to whores a lot. I hope he tipped well, but I can not pretend surprise. Prostitution was invented for guys like Ernie. (No wonder my Tallulah has forgotten everything about their brief marriage.) When I saw the clip of Ernie (on THE SOUP) whispering repeatedly, "I masturbate a lot." in that poor woman's ear, I was just waiting for him to add, "In fact, I'm doing it right now." She should have replied, "And with that image now in my mind Ernie, I'll never masturbate again."

When Mendes was directing his wife in a sex scene, do you suppose he gave directions like, "Now do that thing you do. You know, the one that drives me nuts." So who does the directing when HE is having sex with his wife? Do they get notes from the networks?

Who directs Ernie Bognine's self-love?

"Who’s hotter? The U.S. women gymnasts in the Olympics or the U.S. women volleyball players?"
Neither; it's the U.S. men's gymnastic team! Raj Bhavsar, I love you.

Sounds like Sir Paul McCartney was on a Magical Misery Tour.

Maybe we should ascertain just exactly what Nathan Lane means by "Lip-pumping". Because Tallulah Morehead says to "Go natural."

I saw a headline today: "Can Michael Phelps Be Topped?" I don't know, but I have a lot of gay friends who are willing to try.

All right, who told Ernie about Lindsey, Ellen, and Portia? Because Mr. Borgnine has just locked himself in the upstairs bathroom again. Please tell Ernie, he can just keep that guest towel.

Sometimes no news IS good news.

TCinLA said...

Thanks for reminding me why the last time I looked at a regular network show was four years ago and why I stopped watchinhjg cable news shortly after the fitrst Gulf War (which they all got wrong).

If it wasn't for ogiginal series on TNT and AMC and FX, I'd probably treat my TV set the way I do my local multiplex (What? There's a movie theater five miles from here? You don't say!)

But I'm certainly reading a lot of books nowadays.

Anonymous said...

If you want to see footage of Borgnine pounding his meat, rent "Marty" (calm down; he plays a butcher).

Nathan Lane gets his lips pumped? I wouldn't exactly call that news.

You know what would be news? If Kate Winslet did a movie WITHOUT taking her clothes off. Not that I'm complaining.

Keith said...

Ellen is a stud. Portia. Anne Heche. They should be totally out of her league. As a guy, being funny rarely gets me beyond the chat-up. Apparently it works for women, though.

Anonymous said...

Kate Winslet’s recent sex scene with Leonardo DiCaprio was directed by her husband, Sam Mendes.

Considering how devastating "Revolutionary Road" is in print, I only hope Mendes didn't only pay attention to that sex scene during filming. I've wanted to see this movie badly for about two years now and it's one of the rare ones where, to me, DiCaprio and Winslet look exactly like their literary counterparts.

Plus Kathy Bates is in it as well. Now imagine THAT sex scene. ;)

Unknown said...


the first gulf war was the one between Iraq and Iran.

I guess you mean Desert Storm.

Anonymous said...

Nothing better than waking up to a picture of Kate Winslet's nipple in the morning.

Anonymous said...

Go with the gymnasts if you like pubescent 15 year old meatballs. I like women. C'mon, Misty, lets get out of here.

Tom Quigley said...

To anyone who's ever met Ernest Borgnine: Now aren't you suddenly trying to remember whether or not you might have shook hands with him?...

Tom Quigley said...

Just had another thought: From now on, if I'm ever watching an episode of McHALE'S NAVY, the line "Permission to come aboard" will have a whole new meaning...

Anonymous said...

In that case, my not-too-recent sex scene with my wife must have been directed by Harold Lloyd?

Is it just me or does anybody else have an image of an American Family Publishing spokesperson showing up unexpectedly at the McMahon household with balloons and an oversized foreclosure notice demanding $1 million? In that case Publisher’s ClearingHOUSE might actually not have been the incorrect sweepstakes associated with the man. “Congratulations you may have already lost (your house)!”

So are you literally in THE POOL? How soon before that adorable diminutive Shawn Johnson gets her own kids’ sitcom series? Although they better hurry, seeing how she already so towers over Bob Costas. Not to pimp another blog – OK, yes to pimp another blog – I just thought this recent Andy Borowitz premise rather inspired: “China’s Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content: Phelps Warned Not to Lick Medals”

And, for old times’ sake, the late Jackie Vernon Olympic favorite: “She was so fat she got stuck between the parallel bars – the UNEVEN parallel bars.

A little late but, RE: Engineer Billy. Throughout the 1960’s in Boston, Frank Avruch was Bozo the Clown (also the first nationally syndicated in markets without their own local Bozos) – and then actually would shuck the nose every day to anchor the noon TV newscast on WHDH. I kid you not.

BTW do you think Ernie Borgnine regrets having missed the Bad Habit Express? Or the apparent unsuccessful application of one of his other wives’ celebrated face cream? Apparently Ernie had his own method of trying to get his face cleared up? (Buddy Hackett classic: “He told me ‘Kid, you want to clear up your face, you need to go out and get schtupped.' So I went over to the drug store and asked the pharmacist, ‘Can I get schtupped here?’ He said, ‘Not even with a prescription.'”

Still free associating here (although not nearly as well as d.m.), is it just me or does Tova Borgnine sound like a greeting Jews wish each other on semi-high holidays? One of my favorite New Yorker cartoons was the one in the early 60’s where two people are walking by a storefront “Karate-Judo” studio, and one asks the other, “Isn’t she married to Ernest Borgnine?” (Katy Jurado)

Note to Béla Károlyi: What’s with the accent already? You’ve been in this country since 1981!.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Buck Short...I didn't know you were a Boston boy, or that Frank Avruch did the news while being Bozo. I think of him as a tuxedo-clad proto-Robert Osborne, hosting classic Hollywood films and sharing the behind the scenes stories about them, on the station's late night weekend movie show "The Great Entertainment".

rob! said...

now that Aniston is available, Borgnine might want to move in on that action.

Tom Quigley said...

"now that Aniston is available, Borgnine might want to move in on that action."

In his mind, he already has...

Anonymous said...

Lisa Edelstein clothed...Kate Winslet naked....Lisa Edelstein clothed...Kate Winslet naked...

Anonymous said...

Ken. Thanks for the great picture of Kate. I'm sure Ernest B has already downloaded it. Now there's a mental image that will haunt me for a long time.


Anonymous said...

Mea Culpa.

I took another look at the clip from THE SOUP of Ernie Borgnine confessing his onanism (Great word) addiction, and I was wrong on three counts.

1. It wasn't a woman whose ear (and clip-on chest mike) he whispered his confession into; it was a man, albeit, one of the anchors on the Fox News Channel. Since those people are all douchebags, I made an understandable error there.

2. He didn't whisper it repeatedly. THE SOUP just ran it over and over, because it was funny each time.

3. It was on The Fox News Channel, a fiction-dispensing organization that pretends to report news. I naturally just assume that ANYTHING on FNC is a lie, so Ernie probably hasn't managed a strokeable woody in decades. If it's on the FNC, it must be a lie.

However, voluntarily appearing on the Fox News Channel is far, far worse than playing a little handball. Someone needs to smack Ernie's hands with a hairbrush, yelling, "DIRTY! DIRTY! DIRTY! DIRTY! DIRTY! DIRTY! DIRTY!" not for harmlessly enjoying himself, and saving Tovah from the revolting task, but for appearing on the Fox News Channel.

But then, the FNC has been jerking us all around for years.

Anonymous said...

Baaaaahhhhh, bah dah ba dah daaah dep daaaaaaah, daaah dep daaaahh, daaaah dep daaaahh, dah dep daaaaah daaaaaaahhh, aaaaaaah yes!

I'm done.

Aw crap! Bingamton is here!



Anonymous said...

Dear Mike Hagerty:

Are you THE Mike Hagerty? Actor extraordinaire? The fella from Lucky Louie LouisCK?
Because, if you are, I have great admiration and respect for you!!!
(And I'm the flat chested blonde you tested with at HBO for Lucky L.
Ya know, the one who lost out to good 'ol Laura Kightlinger?)
Anyway, I digress.....I just plain love you. A fan of yours for many years.
And if you, by chance, are not that Mike H.~ I beg your pardon.

Anonymous said...

Nancy must’ve been thinking, “Heather Mills gets billions and I’m in a fucking Ford?”

..when two ridiculously, over-the-top rich people decide something like that - it certainly isn't going to be the equivalent of hair-shirt ritual, with cheap motels and the like.

This is like Disneyland in real-time, so they get to tool around in a beat-up car on a Route66, which anyway isn't the same one mythologized anymore. But McCartney has a civilized place to get all the creature comforts he needs, not to mention is surrounded by bodyguards out of sight.

When unsure, McCartney always returns to American r&r - that's rock and roll, not rest and relaxation. Like when he decided on what to do for his Milennium gig.

I would say "publicity stunt" BECAUSE of Heather, proving this one's a regular girl, not a regular call-girl, and she has her own money too, plus damn fun.

Heather, who has been proven to have been a call-girl pics and all, is always going to look like a fool when she insists on first class anything, especially when the pics of McCartney and new friend show up driving in Bronco in the good old U.S. of A.

Anonymous said...

When was Aniston ever in the news for making MOVIES?

Anonymous said...

Dear JSWN:

That Michael Hagerty works at a TV station in Phoenix, and like Ken has a long-standing interest/history in classic Top 40 radio.

Anonymous said...


(jswn: Tragically, Paul's right)

Anonymous said...

Dearest Paul Duca and Michael Hagerty from the TV Station in Phoenix:

Interesting. Does the TV station have a name?


Anonymous said...

jswn: Yes. It's KAZT, branded as AZTV7/Cable 13. An independent station launched six years ago from the smoldering ruins of a small mom & pop station 90 miles outside of town.

I've been the director of programming for the past five years and since adding a bunch of shows Ken wrote (Cheers, Frasier, M*A*S*H) and some he didn't (George Lopez, According To Jim), we've become a serious challenger in a very competitive market.

Anonymous said...

Should've mentioned we're online at

Anonymous said...

Your shots at Portia and Ellen reveal a homophobia that is truly sad.

Anonymous said...

I am acquainted with Ken. I am gay, very, very gay, and if I know anything at all of him, beyond that he's talented and funny, it's that he has not a homophobic bone in his body. Not every joke at the expense of over done silliness by a gay person means the person joking is homophobic.

Anonymous said...

And we here await Doug's comments on the upcoming world premiere of "Gay Wedding:The Musical"
(or at least Tallulah's).

Anonymous said...

And you may end up gatting it, Paul. Tomorrow I have to attend the first rehearsal for a gay wedding I'm a member of. It's two gay actor/singers, and there's a 32 page script, 27 people in the cast, 3 people in the band, a crew of 7, a director, a musical director, and a choreographer, and 17 - I counted them - 17 musical numbers. None of that is hyperbole or for comic effect. Ziegefeld would call this wedding "A litle overdone." The wedding isn't until October, so we have weeks of rehearsals.

Why couldn't I have shy friends who apreciate a good elopement?

At least now I know the perfect wedding gift for them, the Nathan Lane Limp Pump.

Anonymous said...

hi michael hagerty from jswn:
thanks for answering. i'm gonna check it out online.
do you guys have mary tyler moore?
sounds like you're thriving!

Barking Up Trees said...

oh hey, i hear manny's actually hustling... and i don't mean 3-card monty ferchrissakes...

how's the boy taking it... ?

Barking Up Trees said...

postscript on manny hustle: