But for today, a holiday question that could save your life.
Why the hell do people buy home fireworks?
How many fingers and eyebrows do they have to lose? How many trailer parks have to burn down before they learn?
What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 in
ch “strike force missile”? Or a “Mad Dog”, “Bazooka Bear”, “Titanium Cracker”, “Dragon’s Wrath”, “Big Mama Jama”, “Brutal Force”,“Nuke Power”, “Pull String Grenade”, “Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”, “Caliber Blast”, “Car Bomb”, “Big Earthquake”, “Jumboshell Fountain”, “Pyrogyro”, “Cracker Jack in a Box”, “Deadly Fire”, “Battle of New Orleans”, “Pay Back”, “Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?), “Air Raid”, or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?
Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.
Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshall is someone more impressive than Bob Sagett.
Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. And celebrate the greatness that was America – 1776 to October 2000. And January 2009 to the present.
34 comments :
Wow. How old are you again? Fireworks are fun. While growing up in Minneapolis, I'd drive over to Wisconsin every year to buy them with friends. You'd have to be an absolute moron to blow off your fingers with fireworks. They all have long fuses, and if you're still nervous, use a lighting stick.
We used to have these things called 'mini-rockets' in the U of K. My friend Phil and I used to tape them to the wings of model planes and have fly-offs - some planes actually took off before they caught fire. Excuse any spelling errors as I'm typing with my thumbs.
Are we to assume that you mean that poor government policies removed America from "greatness?" And that, even though government policy permitted legal slavery from 1776-1863, it was great during those years? Maybe you should avoid political cheap shots and stick to writing about the things at which America has allowed you to make a very good living: sitcoms and baseball. Everybody enjoys the blog, but we'll go to Huffpo or Townhall for political commentary.
"Maybe you should avoid political cheap shots"
Lighten up Matt-- Ken does post at the dreaded Huffington Post. See you've been enjoying the writing of a commie and didn't even know it.
Best line I read about George W. years...
2000-2008: End of an Error.
And to save you some time-- I'm a conservative Independent who voted for McCain.
Yeah, the damn things are dangerous...years one of my dumb ass employees was setting off bottle rovkets so I stepped outside to tell him to knock it ogg when one decided to veer sideways instead of going up. It hit me right in the crotch, and burned a hole through the brand new shorts I was wearing. I'm glad it didn't start a "brush" fire. Needless to say, he was looking for work elsewhere after that.
The hell with fireworks.... I just finished watching the CBS SATURDAY EARLY show with musical guest Lee Greenwood, and thought to myself afterwards, "Man, what better way to celebrate our country's birth and heritage than by having Lee Greenwood take off his pants and sing 'God Bless The USA'?"...
...Did I mention he saluted before he started singing?...
I know this doesn't fly in Hollywood, but some people are beginning to realize B. O. doesn't walk on water.
"So I said to him, "Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't Abe Lincoln."
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. _You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. _You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. _You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. _You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. _You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence. _You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves. __......Abraham Lincoln
Lincoln always was a smart fellow. Thanks for the great quote, Dave.
Wow! A political argument on my blog. I feel so very... MSNBC.
For Matt and anyone who is outraged that I share my political leanings from time to time -- if you don't like it you are welcome to go elsewhere. I invoke the "this is my blog" clause in my contract to provide free content to anyone who wishes to read it.
But as the next commenter said, stay away from HuffPost. I've been known to criticize the great Rush Limbaugh there.
Happy 4th everybody. Let the debate continue. It's not often Lincoln gets quoted in my comments section.
Oh, Old Man Ken, bitching about the uppity neighbor kids setting off their comflaggit rocket machines.
But seriously, Happy Independance Day, Ken. Enjoy traveling our country.
Lincoln still hasn't been quoted in your comments section. The quote comes from a pamphlet by Rev William JH Boetcker in 1942. Boetcker quoted Lincoln on one page and wrote his "10 Cannots" on another and they were erroneously attributed to Lincoln. In lieu of posting URLs, look up Boetcker on Wikipedia or look for the quote on a myth/hoax site.
What, no I.E.D.’s, no R.P.G.’s? Some marketeer is missing the boat on that one. I know they do it with music formats, but I’m still surprised that nobody’s come up with the idea of municipal fireworks displays simulcast with right wing talk radio. Sounds like a natural. I stopped paying attention to parents’ fireworks admonitions when the bb gun I hectored them into gittin’me didn’t shoot my eye out. So, between the firearm and the fireworks, basically all I’ve lost is the one testicle.
When somebody loses and organ due to fireworks, the news story generally refers to their widespread availability, but you never hear any disparaging remarks about the objects themselves -- as when some poor slob is shot with a “cheap”. I realize the roundabout point being made is access and availability. But when you’re shot, does it really make a difference to you how much the other guy paid for the gun? I guess it does.
Sentences from last night KTVT newscast in Dallas, slugged: Teen's Dream May Have Been Stolen with Gun.
A 16-year-old from Godley [TX] is in a race against the clock. He's competing in the Junior Olympics in Denver in three weeks. His event is trap shooting. His problem is that he doesn't have a gun. It was stolen. His family hopes his dream wasn't stolen with it.
The story went on to say, Dakota qualified for the Olympics after missing just 10 out of 125 traps. After the theft, he shot 25 rounds with a borrowed gun, and missed all but one. [See, ya gotta have the right ordnance].
.
"I'm very excited about it. It's my dream," Dakota said. The $15,000 Italian made Perazzi shotgun, that was stolen out of his father’s truck, along with an iPod while dad was having lunch in a restaurant. One of the things that made the gun special was that it had a custom stock especially designed to fit the kid’s face. A plea was issued to anyone who knew of the gun’s whereabouts. Just a couple of observations.
1. I hope whoever broke into the truck did thatfor the iPod and not because the $15,000 shotgun had been left out unconcealed for all to marvel at.
2. Is this not the smoothest Texas juxtaposition of shotgun and face since Dick Cheney?
3. Oh, apparently it does make a difference if you purchase your weapon of choice at one ‘o them classy gun shops. Especially Italian firearms in Texas. As we all know, what made our Kennedy assassination so tragic is that Oswald got him with a ”mailorder” mannlicher carcano.
Not Lincoln? I feel so cheap and used. Still, a great quote.
I worked for Red Devil Fireworks for 4 summers, putting up stands, delivering the fireworks and taking them down, 14 hours a day at minimum wage. W. Patrick Moriarty, who then owned Red Devil, went to China on Nixon's second trip to find new cheap products and later went to jail for bribes involving the Commerce Casino. Some people claim he had CIA ties. He was most recently in the news for defrauding investors in a plan to build power plant in the Inland Empire fueled by cow manure. It won't surprise anyone that he was a big contributer to Republican causes, or that part of my job was to deliver fireworks 'gift packages' to local politicians.
Anyway, Red Devil Safe-and-Sane fireworks remain legal because the charitable organizations that run the stands make money and no one wants to be the unpatriotic grump that votes against the Boy Scouts. And because we like to see things blow up.
Yeah, it's bad, but when I lived in Hollywood I'd have to stay away from the windows on the 4th of July and New Year's Eve because of falling bullets.
There's no such thing as 'safe-and-sane' bullets.
But when there are, Red Devil will sell them.
Jim 7
jimsevin@aol.com
Ah yes, Red Devil Fireworks. Almost too competitive for their own good. As you may be aware, I don’t normally do impressions, but what follows is the Texas equivalent of Burma Shave signs as they pop up in clusters on fireworks stands at irregular intervals along I-35 between Carl’s Corner and Austin.
Fireworks - Yes, We're open.
Fireworks - Buy 1 get 1 free.
Why, what's better than gittin' all drunked up on bellyful of beer on a sweaty, hot 'n' humid Fourth of July Missouri afternoon and having bottle rocket fights with the relatives?
How else to explain all those folks missing eyebrows and teeth?
I wore safety glasses. My ex-relatives thought I was a pussy.
I survived, moved back to California and now wonder about my sanity.
Fireworks - Buy 1 get 2 free.
Firework - Buy 1 get 3 free.
FREE FIREWORKS !!!
For a greener 4th every I’ve recycled the above medley from the comment I offered to a friend of yours’ blog, because it also fits better. (There it didn’t fit at all, but I got jumpy.) In fact I might even be recycling this from an earlier comment on your. Who can remember these thing? It’s 103 here, and all of us just collapsed from moving my daughter into her apartment.
Let's be honest here. I don't recall November 1976 - January 2001 being so great, either.
Whoops. Nov 1976 - Jan 1981. Sorry about that.
Barry,
Obviously a Freudian slip... On the other hand, there were 12 years of Republicans in that time span, and I don't recall THOSE being so good either.
Ahhhh....now this really says July 4th to me. Copy. Paste. Enjoy.
http://rhettandlink.com/blog/the-fireworks-song-is-back/
I LOVE FIREWORKS ,*
In the UK we celebrate ‘Bonfire Night’ each 5th of November with bonfires and fireworks, both at public displays and at private family parties. This is in celebration of the foiling of the 1605 ‘Gunpowder Plot’ in which Guy Fawkes and his fellow conspirators tried to blow up Parliament and the King with 36 barrels of Gunpowder placed directly under the House of Lords. They all suffered the traditional punishment for traitors: hanging, drawing and quartering. They were hung until half-dead, upon which their genitals were cut off and burned in front of them. Still alive, their bowels and heart were then removed. Finally they would be decapitated and dismembered; their body parts were then publicly displayed to be eaten by the birds as they decomposed. A great night of celebration for the kids!
It is often said that Guy Fawkes was the only person to enter Parliament with honest intentions.
And did i mention - I LOVE FIREWORKS! ,*
Oh, and happy birthday USA!
This programming note just in: Washington, D.C. fireworks show cancelled -- to be replaced by incoming North Korean missiles...
Can't wait to hear what you have to say about Milwaukee (I'm in Green Bay; shame you don't do football.) And if Bud Selig's at the game, ask about his favorite frozen custard stand.
I think we need to steer this combox discussion to where it belongs: politicians with fireworks.
Hi Ken,
Welcome to San Diego (aka Heaven on Earth). I agree with most of your fireworks comments - We were once at a professional fireworks display where the fireworks were accidentally set off into the crowd instead of the sky -- accidents happen anywhere!
Enjoy your blog.
It never fails to amaze me that even seeing the absolute DISASTER that Obama has inflicted upon the country since he took office, people still follow him, dare to act as though he has been a success, and continue to criticize President Bush.
Incredible!
bob sagett was indeed grand marshal of the philadelphia thanksgiving day parade way back in the 'gay nineties' - yes i was there sad
Maureen: Blaming Obama for the "disaster" of the last 6 months is like blaming the guys who shovel up the excrement after the elephant parade for the excrement.
Post a Comment