Monday, January 04, 2010

Random Rants

New Year's Day leftover rants.

Do we say two-thousand-and-ten? Or twenty-ten? Or hell plus one?

Shouldn’t we be living the life of the Jetsons by now? Where’s my flying car that folds up into a suitcase?

CRAZY HEART is worth seeing for Jeff Bridges but it's THE WRESTLER with country music.

What will last longer? My grow light plant or the Jay Leno Show?

Hey Rush Limbaugh, just imagine if you didn’t have health coverage.

Kevin update: He kept his lights on this year so the neighbor's New Year's Eve party was not ruined. Kevin of course was not invited.

I took some heat a couple of years ago for suggesting the NBA had a certain, uh… gangster mentality. On Christmas Eve two Washington Wizard teammates, Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittention drew guns at each other in the locker room. “Hey, that’s my Ben-Gay, motherfucker!”

TV shows are back into production. Would love to have been at the TWO AND A HALF MEN table reading. “Hey, Charlie, what did you do during the break?”

Meanwhile, ratings for TWO AND A HALF MEN held steady last week despite his arrest. It’s just a good thing Charlie and Brooke aren’t members of the Washington Wizards.’s year end poll concluded that Tiger Woods was only the second stupidest celebrity of the year. Congratulations, Sarah Palin.

It’s become a new sick American tradition – watching New Year’s Rockin’ Eve to see if Dick Clark is back. Cringe in the New Year with ABC. It’s horrifying but you watched, didn’t you? I’m surprised ABC isn’t hinting Dick might appear on UGLY BETTY to help that show’s ratings.

Dick, please, we love you and think you’re courageous but it’s time, buddy.

UGLY BETTY will move to Wednesday night at 10. When a network puts a comedy at 10 it is DEAD. Even up against Leno.

HuffingtonPost Headline that is its own punchline: Pirate Ransom Money May Explain Kenya Property Boom

What are the chances you’ll see Charlie Sheen guest on THE VIEW?

Is there a worse sportscaster than Brent Musberger? To describe him I shall borrow a line he himself used on the Rose Bowl telecast. “To be blunt – the man is a load.”

Other than the BCS Championship, why are there still bowl games left to play? After three weeks of watching meaningless bowl games, who the fuck cares anymore? This is like Fox burning off episodes of TIL DEATH.

This week's Chutzpah Award goes to the TV producer accused of extorting David Letterman. He’s using Tiger Woods as his defense. In court papers filed recently, Robert "Joe" Halderman's lawyer cited published reports that Woods paid an alleged mistress millions of dollars to stay silent. Attorney Gerald Shargel suggested that since the woman hasn't been charged with a crime, Halderman shouldn't be, either. Good luck with that one.

I was loving GREAT BIG RADIO’S week long salute to 1972 until they played “Amazing Grace” on bagpipes. Then I wanted to stand between Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittention and yell “Fire!”

Strangest game in baseball last year. (Thanks to ESPN’s Jayson Stark for the tip.) The Astros and Nationals began the game on May 5 in Washington. It was suspended and resumed July 9 in Houston. The game counted as a May 5th game. But it set up some wacky occurrences. The Astros lost the game on a walk-off hit in their own ballpark. Nyger Morgan scored the winning run for the Nationals supposedly on the same day he got a single for the Pirates. The Nats used eight players that were no longer on the team by the end of the game. It was the highest scoring game in National Park history even though the final run was scored in Houston. And at no time did any player on either team pull a gun.

Fox and Time-Warner settled their retransmission negotiations that held subscribers hostage. Who were you rooting for? It’s like having a favorite in the Iraq-Iran Civil War.

At some point congress is going to get into this and the business model that cable companies fear more than God – ala carte viewing (paying only for the channels you want) may come into being. No more paying for channels you never watch. You can see why the cable giants are opposed to this. As is the Military Channel.

Am I a bad Facebook friend because I don’t join 99% of the groups I’m invited to join? I’m sorry. I don’t want to “Support Carrie Prejean”. And I don’t want to become a fan of “THE CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE”.

Is TV comedy dead? Last week 6 of the top 10 shows were sitcoms. THE BIG BANG THEORY was the number one show of the week. You'd think they'd get even one Golden Globe or WGA nomination.

Is Gwyneth Paltrow still acting or is she spending all her time blogging and recommending enema treatments?

Tomorrow: a real treat for CHEERS fans.


Tim W. said...

Not to be too picky, but there can't be an Iran-Iraq Civil War, since they are two different countries.

And it has recently been estimated that 75% of NBA players carry a gun. I think it's because they aren't getting paid enough to hire a body guard, and it's not like anyone's gotten into trouble carrying a gun, have they?

DonBoy said...

If cable goes to a la carte, each of the channels you actually want will cost $10. Or did you think that because you now pay $50 for 200 channels, each one is going to be a quarter? Ha. Ha. Ha.

By Ken Levine said...

If the cable companies thought they could make more money on the ala carte system they wouldn't be so deathly afraid of it.

Alan Coil said...

"Do we say two-thousand-and-ten?"

I say two-thousand-ten. No need for the 'and'.

wv: forstryp -- another word for a lap dance. (Foreplay from a stripper: really isn't very witty if you have to explain it, but I try.)

Buttermilk Sky said...

I happen to be a big fan of the Military Channel. They have some excellent history documentaries, and they have never devoted a program to Nostradamus. So far.

Jabba the Rush was all set to put down several hundred million dollars for a piece of the Rams. I think he'll be able to cover his deductible and co-payment for the hospital stay. He probably has a hi-def TV in his room so he can keep up with Fox.

Since the kid on "Two and a Half Men" is now big enough to play for the Packers, is Jon Cryer the half-man?

Please stop picking on Dick Clark. Maybe New Year's Eve is all he has. Whereas you can watch anything else you like.

VW: patch. Really?

Oh, and Happy New Year. Your friend Kevin is a mensch.

Unknown said...

I actually watched alot of that Astros-Nats game. The first eleven innings (in DC) were played in 40 degree weather with several rain delays and a million walks. Took over six hours and by the end their were more folks on the field than in the stands. One of the most miserable games ever.

When the game resumed in Houston the Nats had runners on the corners with one out. The catcher hits a grounder to 2nd. Flip to short. Tejada tags the bag then air mails the throw to first. At least ten feet over Berkman's glove. Game over. The perfect microcosm of an awful season for the Astros.

Dr. Leo Marvin said...

Is there a worse sportscaster than Brent Musberger? To describe him I shall borrow a line he himself used on the Rose Bowl telecast. “To be blunt – the man is a load.”

I couldn't agree with this more if I were Brent Musberger's ass. So again I have to ask, what am I missing that's so objectionable about Tim McCarver?

Anonymous said...

so sorry, but when you're looking for 'stupidest person of the year', the correct answer is "joe biden".

stupid, mendacious, arrogant, ugly, *and* unlikable. a heartbeat from the presidency.

MattA said...

I have never seen Ugly Betty. For one, it didn't make sense, because in all the pictures I've seen of the main character, she's sort of cute.
Second, it seems as if the producers are saying that ugly girls have glasses and braces. Is that really a message we want to send to teen-age girls?

"Am I a bad Facebook friend because I don’t join 99% of the groups I’m invited to join?"

Ken, does that mean you do join 1% of the groups you're invited to join? That's a lot of groups. And I hope that not joining all those groups makes one a bad friend.

blogward said...

"...paying only for the channels you want". They have that now; it's called "the internet".

Anonymous said...

Ken, for a long time I have been meaning to mention this, and now that it is the new year...
Besides the great writing, cast, and all on "Cheers" there is something about the show that has always fascinated me, and even after all these years I get intrigued by it.
The opening credits. I can't really even explain, but the old photos from the 1800's (looks like) where each character is named and that characters "counterpart" from some old photo (but real...) is just..I hate to use the word but sublime. The green dress for Rita, Wendts character, Rathernburger (just so cool...the same type but a little more cocky and dangerous), etc.
Every time I see it in reruns, I get drawn in.
Who's idea was that?

Ref said...

Anon 11:10, you just put yourself at the top of that list...and what color IS the sky on your planet?

Anonymous said...

I don't get the Rush Limbaugh remark ... Does he say, no one should have Health Coverage? Or is the debate rather about the financing? And what happens with people that have a heart attack in the US? I heard that they are treated even if they don't have coverage? Sorry, maybe I didn't get it because of the language barrier - I'm from Germany ...

brickben said...

Is there a worse sportscaster than Brent Musberger? To describe him I shall borrow a line he himself used on the Rose Bowl telecast. “To be blunt – the man is a load.”
Yes there is pardner. Folks, I give you:

"Line drive, base hit...caught out there"- the totally inept Chip Carey.Given too long a chance by Cub fans who adored his grandfather. It was almost painful when he did Bulls basketball a couple of years.

SharoneRosen said...

as long as we're being random, I just had to tell this somewhere it might be appreciated:

over the weekend I was talking on-line to a friend. He announced that the Cowboys were spanking the Phillies. Just for a nanosecond, I thought he was watching pay per view of ranch hands fondling young horses... I'm just sayin'...

I vote for Twenty-Ten; short, concise, to the point.

Tom Quigley said...

RE: Rush Limbaugh -- Headline for a news item I read: "TESTS FIND NOTHING WRONG WITH RUSH LIMBAUGH'S HEART"... Maybe they need to re-calibrate their equipment...

Actually, I would have been less surprised to read "TESTS FIND NOTHING WHERE RUSH LIMBAUGH'S HEART SHOULD BE"...

Matilda said...

Sorry Ken, but you're not dead until you're dead. May Dick Clark continue to be part of life until he takes his last breath.

kyle said...

Here's hoping craft services will provide TWO AND A HALF MEN with plastic cutlery for the week...

Sandy Koufax said...

I agree, Ken...watching Dick Clark is like stopping to watch a bad car accident. You know it won't be pretty but you just have to see it. And YES, I did watch "Rockin' Eve" just to see Dick speak. It certainly wasn't to see Ryan Seacrest!

Mike in SLO said...

I agree with Ken on Dick Clark as well. Every time I see him I wonder how much worse his portrait in the closet looks.

Bob Summers said...

A la carte is opposed because it will cut the revenue stream. Here's why:

The way it works now, the cable operator pays the channel a fee per subscriber. For example, ESPN used to get something like 10 or 15 cents per subscriber from your cable provider to be licensed to retransmit the signal. Additionally, these channels also sell commercial advertising. Some of the channels are also packaged, sort of like with big name movies, so if you take the big one, you have to get a couple small ones.

If the system went a la carte, they might be able to make up the subscriber fee by charging some extra, but that will backfire with consumers who will not pay $1.00 a month just to watch Chiller, in addition to everything else they want. Plus, there goes a big chunk of commercial ads, not being able to be in such a great number of homes. This would lower their revenue.

There will always be people like me who want everything, just in case there is something I want to watch on channel I ordinarily wouldn't.

Joey H said...

Introducing the new Fujinon HDTV lens, featuring the patented "Dick Clark/Barbara Walters Soft-Focus Filter.:

Anonymous said...

The Rush Limbaugh comment is because Rush decided to hold a press conference after he was released from the hospital in Hawaii to announce that, based on his personal experience, there was nothing wrong with the U.S. healthcare system.

And I agree with Ken: let's hear Rush's testimonial if he didn't have insurance (and he probably has a pretty great plan, no less).


Anonymous said...

i'm the anon 11:10 whose comment in re biden you had a problem with, ref. maybe you, in your self-proclaimed wisdom, can help poor dumb me out here. can you think of anything biden did or said anytime in his career that *wasn't* stupid, mendacious, or arrogant? bearing in mind your answer will be checked via lexis/nexis.

can't do it, can you, good buddy. so why don't YOU go to the top of the list while we wait. maybe you could cover your embarrassment by making a snarky limbaugh crack? call him fatty, even though he's lost 90 lbs.? that seems to be a popular strategy nowdays with all the hip, smart people.....

Dr. Leo Marvin said...

Anonymous (2 12:01 P.M. today). Your hostility isn't such a great advertisement for your political views. Think about it.

Bob Oscar said...

According to a story on this morning, Rush does NOT have health insurance.

He paid for his bill at the Honolulu hospital with a credit card.

Anonymous said...

ahhhh, dr. marvin weighs in on the debate. so "my hostility isn't such a great advertisement for my political views", but ref, the guy who attacked me without provocation ("you just put yourself at the top of [the stupid people] list") and all the warm, caring progressives joking about a man's heart trouble - "jabba the rush"; "limbaugh has no heart" - are merely indicative of....what, exactly? a keen, rapierlike wit? advertisements for the overwhelming nay **angelic** compassion associated with their apparent political philosophy?

are you a "doctor" of hypocrisy, my good man? you certainly seem to be.

think about it.

still waiting for an intelligent biden quote. MY personal favorites are "i went to law school on a full academic scholarship, the only one in my class; [and] i ended up in the top half of my class." when, in fact, he had only a *partial* scholarship, and graduated 76th out of a class of 85.

hmmm. ya know, come to think, biden's lies aren't such a great advertisement for his political views, are they. let's think about that.

Dr. Leo Marvin said...

Anonymous, sorry I wasted those 30 seconds trying to help you, a mistake I won't make again.

BigTed said...

I agree that this is a fun show, with an attitude of "Hey, lighten up guys. It’s only murder." But to enjoy that, you have to overlook the extremely dark backstory about how he started helping the cops after a serial killer murdered his family.

I liken it to other gory procedurals with light comedic elements, such as "Bones" and the "CSI"s, in which the grisly crimes, spurting blood and gross body parts make you wonder exactly what you're supposed to be laughing at.

Thomas Beck said...

Your "Where’s my flying car that folds up into a suitcase?" question reminds me exactly of The Ghost's almost identical question from an episode of CBS's "The Flash" almost 20 years ago.

You didn't write that episode, did you?