Monday, December 30, 2013

Celebrity Break-Ups 2013

You can’t turn on E! or read PEOPLE without stars gushing about how much in love they are. I don’t mean to be a cynic, but these celebrities invariably pontificate about what makes relationships work. Khloe Kardashian feels qualified to give romantic advice. Many stars live in a world where no one says “no” to them from the minute they wake up till the moment they go to bed. However, this has never stopped lovers and spouses. They will say no. They have said no. And usually at their own peril. They end up on the same scrap heap as the publicist who dared open her mouth. 

So because celebrities make such a public display of their affection – jumping on couches, etc. – and always claim to have the secret of long lasting relationships when in fact many don’t even know how to use a debit card, their break ups are fair game for snark. And before you feel sorry for them, remember, they’re all beautiful and will find love again in six seconds, and most of them found that love already when they were still with the partner they broke up with this year.

So here’s a list:

Julianne Hough & Ryan Seacrest – Split in June. Now people can go back to saying he’s gay.

Britney Spears & Jason Trawick -- All those vows of love she gave him, they were lip-synced.

Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez – This is their second break-up. Gomez decided to date boys who were legal.

George Clooney & Stacy Keibler – All I know is Talia Balsam was once married to George and is happy she’s out. So what does that say?

Catherine Zeta Jones & Michael Douglas – I'm reminded of his movie, THE WAR OF THE ROSES.

Clint & Dina Eastwood – I see him married at least another two times.

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth – Like everything else, this must be calculated on her part to advance her career.

Chelsea Handler & Andre Balazs – Warning: Skank now on the loose.

Bruce & Kris Jenner – A common line from a disillusioned spouse: “I don’t know you anymore.” Considering all the plastic surgery that was certainly true.

Diane Lane & Josh Brolin – He finally discovered that she’s ten times the actor he is.

Bradley Cooper & Zoe Saldana – Their second split. Bradley was hanging onto relationships a lot longer when he was in KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL on Fox.

Ashley Judd & Dario Franchitti – I thought they were the happiest couple in Kentucky next to Boyd Crowder and Ava.

Michael Sheen & Rachel McAdams – Guess he was not a Master of Sex after all.

Michelle Williams & Jason Segel – I’m just glad he’s back on HIMYM.

Miranda Kerr & Orlando Bloom – They’ll find others. Someday.

Malin Akerman & Roberto Zincone – As a nice touch they split up months after the birth of their first child. My guess is he won’t be fighting for custody.

Keri Russell & Shane Deary – This was an arranged marriage by the Kremlin so I’m less broken up about it.

Idina Menzel & Taye Diggs – Gee, they seemed so happy when I saw them New Year’s Eve.

Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson – A match made in a casting office.

Nina Dobrev & Ian Somerhalder – “Dear Vampire Diary – I’m writing tonight with a heavy heart…”

Kat Von D & Deadmau5 -- They couldn’t agree on whether she’d take his last name or number.

Madonna & Brahim Zaibat – If Britney Spears broke up then Madonna has to.

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odem – I’m shocked. They had so much in common. Both have an IQ of 27.

Meanwhile, my heart goes out to real people who ended relationships this year. May 2014 bring you better luck, happiness, and someone who looks like Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattinson but not actually them.


Kate said...

Yes, they are beautiful , and yes, they are apt to be on tv when they say silly things. But celebrities are also real people. And describing a person struggling with a mental illness as a loon is just not ok. I mean, wasn't the obvious joke that the hottest sex scene her husband has played in years was in a movie with another straight man?

Hamid said...

Ken, I think you're awesome and I love your work, so it's as a fan that I say I'm uncomfortable with you calling Zeta Jones a loon. I'm not a fan of her acting or her reported arrogance, but she's had to deal with mental health issues and I don't think it's something to mock. I myself have had depression in the past and so have many celebrities, including Shelley Long who's been very open about her own battles.

I know you're not a malicious guy and I usually enjoy what you write, but casually calling someone a loon doesn't sit well.

I'm not one of those who's gonna suddenly declare I'll never read this blog again and flounce off in a huff, like that reader who complained about the Zooey Deschanel picture. I'm still a fan. I just say this with respect.

Aaron H said...

I think it's fine to mock Catherine Zeta Jones. This is a humor blog, not a "display sensitivity to celebrities who may be troubled by mental illness" blog. I mean, if you're going to back off of people for having mental issues, that's got to be 90% of Hollywood.

Covarr said...

Did you see the same Men in Black 3 that I did? Sure, the movie itself wasn't amazing, and the plot twist at the end could've been guessed from the beginning, but Brolin's performance as a young Tommy Lee Jones was absolutely stellar. One of the best, if not the very best, impression performances that I've ever seen.

Joseph Scarbrough said...

I'll say it before, and I'll say it again, the thing that gets me is when you have the two leads of a new movie actually hook up together romantically in real life, while filming, but then, once the production's all finished, the movie's been out for a while, and all the hype and excitement dies down, then they break up because they no longer have anything to keep them together.

I swear, I foresaw Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's breakup before it ever happened: they only hooked up because they worked so closely on those TWILIGHT movies, their breakup was bound to happen once they finished, and the hype surrounding the movies began to wear off... however, I totally did not see the whole cheating scandal with Kristen and her director on that movie she was doing coming. Still knew she and Robert were going to break up eventually though, it was in the air.

I honestly believe Hollywood people are incapable of actually feeling real love. Aside from Alan and Arlene Alda, have you ever known any celebrity relationship that's actually worked and survived?

By Ken Levine said...

I think you guys are right and I swapped out that joke. Thanks.

Breadbaker said...

Shouldn't it be "they couldn't decide if he'd take her letter or she'd take his number"?

Anonymous said...

Half of the "movie co-stars dating in real life" is a function of confinement and the other half is for promotion...

Tim Dunleavy said...

I was surprised by the Taye Diggs/Idina Menzel breakup. I always thought that once you go green, you never go back.

Wendy M. Grossman said...

Joseph Scarborougu: Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. Tony Randall was married to his wife for over 50 years even though he wanted kids and they couldn't have them (after her death, he remarried and fathered a child or two). George Burns and Gracie Allen. Alfred Hitchcock and his wife, Alma, were together for more than 50 years. Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft. Carl and Estelle Reiner (more than *60* years). Meryl Streep and George? Gummer (who, granted, live in NYC). Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss (1961 - another 50+ year marriage).

Just off the top of my head. Long, happy marriages don't make headlines. Or jokes...there's a challenge for you, Ken.


Bazinga Jones said...

When Hollywood couples split, shouldn't the announcement read "...there were script problems..."?

Sue said...

Well said Wendy Grossman. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward lived in the town that I grew up in. My brother sold Mr. Newman a vacuum and my Mom shopped at the same grocery store as Ms. Woodward. We saw her many times, sans makeup and wearing jeans. They were down to earth people who were very active in town events and concerns.

Twintone said...

I have a Friday Question:

On sitcoms taped before live studio audiences, how do they get away with doing sight gags that involve a camera cutting to something that is seen off screen for the TV viewing public, but presumably on stage for audience that have the "wide shot"?

D. McEwan said...

12 names on that list were people I've never heard of, that includes two couples, Malin Akerman & Roberto Zincone and Kat Von D & Deadmau5, where I've never before heard of either of them. I suppose this means I'm out of it, but somehow, I suspect I'm better off.

And Michelle Williams was dating Jason Segel? Gorgeous Michelle Williams, who had a child by the late Heath Ledger, so we know she used to have taste in men? I saw that movie where Jason showed what little he has and his doughy, unattractive body. Was she struck blind for a few months? Did she lose a bet? She can do considerably better, and has.

I am, however, delighted that magnificently gorgeous Taye Diggs is back on the market. (One of the few break-ups on the list where I already knew they'd broken up.) Taye, call me. I'll never say "No" to you.

I guess I just am insufficiently caught up in celebrity gossip. I'm still waiting for Liz Taylor to marry again. (I know she's dead; it just never occurred to me that that would stop her.)

Matt said...

Thanks to everybody who brought up the mental health issues and kudos to Ken for admitting it was a bad joke. Too often people get too invested in their writing and can't admit when they are wrong.

Matt said...

D McEwan,

Malin Akerman is a pretty good actress. I think if you looked up her credits you would recognize some of the roles. I liked her in The Watchmen, but I am a bit of a comic book geek.

The other three I haven't heard of either.

DBA said...

Twintone, that one was asked and answered pretty recently, I think. It may not be universal but tapings I've been to, they pre-shoot such gags and the audience sees that bit only on a monitor, rather than doing that one scene live. I have no idea how that type of thing was done before they had monitors for audiences though.

Hamid said...

Ken, you're a class act, thanks.

I wonder if Kristen Stewart is as expressionless in real life as she is in her acting. Who can tell when she's happy or upset? When she ends a relationship, the guy can genuinely say he didn't see it coming.

-bee said...

"Chelsea Handler & Andre Balazs – Warning: Skank now on the loose."

You didn't specify which one the skank is....

RCP said...

I thought I was immune to this sort of thing, but the news about Madonna and Brahim brought me to my knees.

There are actually quite a number of successful Hollywood marriages and pairings, including Kirk Douglas and his wife, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening (after Warren spent about 50 years sowing his wild oats), Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Ron Howard and his wife, etc. Silent screen actor Billy Haines and his partner Jimmy Shields were together nearly 50 years.

VP81955 said...

There are actually quite a number of successful Hollywood marriages and pairings, including Kirk Douglas and his wife, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening (after Warren spent about 50 years sowing his wild oats), Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Ron Howard and his wife, etc. Silent screen actor Billy Haines and his partner Jimmy Shields were together nearly 50 years.

Put quotation marks around "marriage" for Goldie and Kurt, since they've never tied the knot. (I nevertheless still envy Mr. Russell.) And for a long marriage that was legal, don't forget Karl Malden and wife (her name escapes me), who were together some 70 years. James Cagney and his wife also spent several decades together, although James always admitted that if she hadn't been in his life, he probably would have romanced Joan Blondell, as they were very close (all those Warners pre-Codes they did confirm that).

D. McEwan said...

Well, VP81955, as long as you're putting quotation marks around "marriage" for Goldie and Kurt, then you should do so for Billy Haines and Jimmy Shields as well. Fair's fair, as the Supreme Court finally noticed.

Dale said...

Who cares???

Mike Barer said...

Not to change the subject, but on the plus side, Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul married Lauren Parsekian this year and I'm betting this one will work.

RCP said...


Goldie and Kurt and Billy and Jimmy were among the 'pairings' I mentioned (in recognition of the fact that they weren't legally married), though I'm not sure why you would 'nevertheless still envy' Kurt Russell - as if relationships of the unmarried don't really count. Some couples choose not to marry; others can't - simple as that.

Cap'n Bob said...

I must admit I haven't heard of many of these people and don't care about the rest. Not that I wish them ill, I just don't care about them.

VP81955 said...

Goldie and Kurt and Billy and Jimmy were among the 'pairings' I mentioned (in recognition of the fact that they weren't legally married), though I'm not sure why you would 'nevertheless still envy' Kurt Russell

Because even though she's nearly 10 years older than me, I wouldn't mind waking up every morning in the same bed as Goldie -- married or not.