The Oscar nominations

Congratulations to everyone nominated for an Oscar this year.

Here’s how bad I am at predicting Oscar winners. I thought DREAMGIRLS was going to win Best Picture and it wasn’t even nominated.

Diana Ross must’ve been on the nominating committee.

Fantasia is on suicide watch today with Jennifer Hudson being nominated.

Kudos to Will Smith who only does movies he can get nominated in. If Eddie Murphy wins, expect to see Will in DREAMGIRLS 2.

If Eddie Murphy does win don’t expect a repeat with NORBIT.

The “it’s great to be nominated” category this year is Best Actor. Between Leonardo DiCaprio, Peter O’Toole, Will Smith, and Forest Whitaker there must be 20 Oscar losses between them, 15 just for O’Toole.

Speaking of perennial losers – Is this finally the year for Martin Scorsese to win Best Director? He’s the perfect winner too because he’s the only guy who can thank 47 people in under ten seconds.

Mel Gibson may claim APOCALYPTO was denied because of all the Jews in the Academy but he got a Best Make-Up nomination so shut up.

Because of DREAMGIRLS there is real music this year in the music categories. No one in a Lakers jersey will be accepting an Oscar.

BORAT was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. By adaptation they mean it was written after they filmed the movie.

Let’s hope there’s never a sequel to UNITED 93.

The ratings for the Oscarcast usually depend on the number of recognizable stars who got nominated. Expect a big rating this year as fans root for their favorite among Djimon Hounsou, Adriana Barraza, Jackie Erle Haley, and Rinko Kikuchi.

I’m not saying they’re not deserving of nominations, I’m just saying remember the days when you could pronounce the nominees?

It used to be to ensure an acting nomination you had to play someone who was physically challenged. Now it’s someone who snorts coke.

Don Cheadle must see all the nominations for BABEL and say, “Hey, what about HOTEL RWANDA? How come we didn’t get all those nominations last year?”

Greg Kinnear must be saying, "Forrest Whittaker and not me???"

Most money wasted on ads for a movie that went nowhere: BOBBY

As everyone is saying, the big surprise was that DREAMGIRLS, with 8 nominations, was not nominated for Best Picture. There always are a few of these oversights, but none more than this year. Here are more very deserving movies and talent were overlooked.

Best Picture:

BUDDHA WILD: MONK IN A HUT
HOW TO EAT FRIED WORMS
JET LI’S: FEARLESS
DA VINCI CODE

Best Actress:

Jordana Brewster in ANNAPOLIS (at 5’ 104 pounds she played a tough Navel Drill Instructor. Think Louis Gossett Jr. in OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN with perky breasts.)
Sharon Stone in BASIC INSTINCT 2 (best performance from the waist down)
Judi Dench for narrating DOOGAL (is there nothing that woman can’t do?)
Shawnee Smith in SAW 3
Kristin Davis in SHAGGY DOG
Nicole Kidman in FUR (there must still be the backlash from divorcing America’s darling, Tom Cruise)

Best Supporting Actress:

Bitch as “Herself” in SHORTBUS
Cloris Leachman as “Great Gam Gam” in BEERFEST. (I felt sure she’d add to her many Oscars with this one.)

Best Actor:

Will Arnett in LET’S GO TO PRISON
Ray Rivas as “Shabbos Goy” in SHORTBUS

Best Supporting Actor:

Chip Zien as “first guy killed” in UNITED 93. (He laid dead in the aisle the entire movie and never once broke character. That’s concentration!)
Michael Deak as “the monster” in ABOMINABLE. (The tag line should have been Michael Deak WAS Abominable!)

Best original screenplay:
BIG MAMA’S HOUSE 2

Best director:
Barry Sonnenfeld for RV

***********
As always, I will have my bitchy review of the Oscarcast immediately following the ceremony on February 25th. To get you in the mood, here’s last year’s Oscar review. How many of these winners do you even remember?

Ve haf vays of knowing your name

My thoughts on the Oscar nominations coming soon. But first...

If you're ever in Germany, be sure to catch CHEERS.

What I really think of Aaron Sorkin

STUDIO 60 returns with new shows. I hope it does well.

Aaron Sorkin probably doesn’t believe me. He thinks I hate him. He dismissed comments I made in a recent LA TIMES article by saying I wasn’t a “real” comedy writer and was unemployed. I’d like to think that based on my credits and agent that neither is true (although if he found out I did AfterMASH I could see why he might make that claim).

I actually have great respect for Mr. Sorkin. I stopped watching WEST WING when he left because the show just wasn’t as good. Yes, I wrote a parody (If Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about baseball), but I also parodied LOST, 24, and HOUSE and their producers found it amusing.

My criticism of STUDIO 60 was very much in line with everyone else’s – the characters seem too smug, the sketches aren’t funny, Sara Paulson is not convincing as a gifted comedienne – but for whatever reason that article really hit a nerve. (Rumor has it the TIMES is trying to make nice by preparing another article, this one about how people love STUDIO 60.)

The new batch of shows will veer more towards romantic comedy, Sorkin promises. That might work. Often times there are growing pains in the first year as a show tries to find its groove. Watch early episodes of CHEERS. We did a lot of experimenting. Some episodes focused on Sam & Diane, others were more like BARNEY MILLER where our regulars dealt with colorful characters who entered the bar. It took about half a season until the series really found its way (although it was still getting its ass kicked in the ratings by mighty TUCKER'S WITCH).

I do have empathy for Sorkin. It’s not easy creating in a negative environment. I’ve been there. Everything you do is second guessed, the cast starts looking at you like you killed their puppy, your budget gets cut, you're pre-empted for a RUGRATS prime time special, and your health deteriorates faster than that guy who ate nothing but McDonalds for a month. When a show is going well your hair comes out in clumps, so you can imagine when it’s not. But I think he makes it harder on himself by being so defensive. There's no witch hunt. No one is attacking him personally.

There’s another reason to root for Sorkin. Networks and studios are inserting themselves into the creative process now more than ever before. It's like being eaten to death by moths. Very few showrunners enjoy the autonomy that Sorkin has. So if his show is a success, other writers can point to it and say, “See? If you just leave the creator alone he’ll turn out a better show.” If it's not a hit, you're up until 3:00 in the morning upping the stakes and making the actress they forced you to take more likeable.

So when I say I hope he turns it around I’m being absolutely sincere. I don’t hate Aaron Sorkin. I just wish he didn't take himself, his show, and his critics so seriously. This isn't the White House. You can have a few laughs.

In honor of Sundance

Okay, I wasn’t there DURING Sundance. I was there in October.

*******

Here’s a travelogue you thought you’d never see – me in Utah. Along with my partner David, and a third writer, Mr. Scribe, I am writing a spec screenplay. Mr. Scribe has a condo in Park City, Utah and graciously suggested it would be a great place to sequester ourselves and really get some work done. So for four days I was in the land of the Osmonds and Gary Gilmore.

A stewardess was once fired for saying over the PA to passengers “Welcome to Salt Lake City. Please turn your clocks back one hundred years”. Landed in Salt Lake, did just that, then headed up the mountains to Park City, one of America’s premiere posh ski towns. I have never been to any ski towns because I do not ski. I know for many people skiing is an absolute passion but it’s cold, requires a lot of bulky equipment, is costly, and let’s face it: no one ever broke a leg sitting in a movie theatre.

That said, the panoramas were positively breathtaking. I can just see a Park City man coming home from a hard day, stepping out onto his balcony, gazing at the magnificent vista and saying to his wives “Hey, Trixie, Jane, Gloria, you gotta get out here and see this!”

There’s no snow yet so there are no tourists. Mr. Scribe’s condo is part of a gorgeous lodge. You walk down the deserted hallways, past the cavernous vacant dining room, through the expansive empty lobby and realize…

You’re living THE SHINING.

All that’s missing is the maze. But the quiet was most welcomed and allowed us to get a lot of work done on the script. Thought you’d enjoy a preview. Here’s one of many scenes we wrote.

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

I think we have a good chance of selling this one.

Took a tour of nearby Deer Valley. Mr. S. pointed out the chair lift pole that an expert skier crashed into splitting open his skull. He also showed us the spot on the road where trucks spin off if there’s a little ice on the ground. Later I learned that skiers on certain runs must carry beacons so if they’re buried in an avalanche they can be found.

Charles Gibson of GOOD MORNING AMERICA owns a huge house on one of the hills. Circular and all in glass and chrome, it looks the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Jeffrey Katzenberg also owns an impressive chalet. So I guess when he’s not in Hawaii taking my lounge chair he’s up here.

Elayne Boosler says this about Utah: “My favorite store here is maternity gowns for Mother of the Bride”.

Many girls in Park City look like pioneer women.

REDRUM. I don’t know why I just wrote that.

David and I walked down Main Street in Park City (picture Knotts Berry Farm for rich people) and got a number of stares. I’m sure we were the first two Jews of the season. Kinda like the first robin of spring. Soon more Jews would follow and it would be ski season.

REDRUM.

Favorite Main Store establishment: Bad Ass Coffee.

Moose sighting. No, wait, that’s just Merlin Olsen.

During the winter, reservations at most restaurants and emergency rooms are recommended.

Park City is the home of the Sundance Film Festival every January. So for two weeks any rustic or quaint charm is completely obliterated as Hollywood agents, deal makers, opportunists, sharks, managers, hucksters, lawyers, carnies, boot lickers, snake oil salesmen, and ACCESS HOLLYWOOD invade the area as if it were their personal Baghdad. But if you’re a skier that’s the time to come because no one is on the slopes. Which begs the question: why not hold the film festival in summer when it’s warm and there’s no skiing anyway?

REDRUM. REDFORD.

During Sundance every theatre screens cutting edge independent films. The other 50 weeks they show DODGEBALL.

Not a lot of Sonny Bono records played on the local radio station here.

There are almost as many SUV’s here as in the parking lot of the Encino Gelson’s.

Events I unfortunately will be missing: “Howl-a-Ween Dog Parade” down Main Street featuring a whole pack of costumed canines. And the “Cowboy Poetry Gathering and Buckaroo Fair”. I’m upset about missing that one because who writes better poetry than Gabby Hayes and Chill Wills? Plus they’re going to have a colt starting clinic.

I can’t afford a place here but my agent has one. Hmmmmm?

It stays dark every morning till eight make Jack a dull boy.
The ski lifts carry nobody make Jack a dull boy.
Most restaurants are closed and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

Please give a warm welcome to Ted Nugent!

So when Ted Nugent performed at the Texas Governor’s Inaugural Ball with machine guns, a Confederate Flag T-shirt, and started shouting offensive remarks about people who don’t speak English, uh was this a surprise to anyone? This wasn’t John Davidson they hired. This was Ted Nugent, he of the biting live chickens on stage rumors.

Even if Mr. Nugent (or, as he’s also known, Sweaty Teddy, Deadly Tedly, Great Gonzos, and my personal favorite – Theodocious Atrocious) was told to just sing his big hits that would mean “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.” Imagine starting the ladies choice dance with that?

Were the Johnny Mann Singers just unavailable that night?

Had anybody in the party planning committee read any of Mr. Nugent’s quotes? Here are two of my faves:

Gun Control: “Only a coward supports gun control. You know how to stop carjacking? Shoot the carjacker. If someone is going to kill me for my Buick, I’m gonna shoot until I’m out of ammo – and then I’ll call 911.”

Feminists: What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough?”

Charming.

Andy Williams had a gig in Branson that night?

I still can’t get over it. Ted Nugent? At the Governor’s Ball? Author of “Kill It and Grill It”. Legal guardian of a 17 year old Hawaiian girl to avoid statutory charges. The man who got a draft deferment by reporting to his draft board with a week’s worth of excrement and urine in his pants (although I’m sure Texans would still have preferred he dressed for the ball like that than sport a Confederate flag). The only thing surprising to me is that THEY were surprised.

Amy Grant wanted too much money?

Personally, I find it hilarious. Mr. Nugent has said he’s considering running for Governor of Michigan in 2010. I bet even he’s smart enough not to hire himself to sing at the Inaugural Ball.

VOLUNTEERS reviews

Same movie – very different reviews. You'll notice in the second one we gets raked over the coals for our "blatant plug" for Coke.

*******
From the New York Times

By WALTER GOODMAN
Published: August 16, 1985

Take a healthy helping of ''Raiders of the Lost Ark,'' a dollop of ''The Bridge on the River Kwai,'' a dash of any Tarzan movie, a soupcon of ''Casablanca,'' a whiff of ''The Wizard of Oz'' and a stunt or two from a favorite Saturday serial, stir frenetically, and if you're lucky enough to have snappy dialogue by Ken Levine and David Isaacs, you may end up with as funny a movie as ''Volunteers.''

….There are lots of snappy exchanges. ''I thought you wanted to be my friend,'' Beth admonishes when Lawrence makes a pass. He replies, ''This is what I do with my friends.'' In refusing to pay his son's debts, Lawrence's father (George Plimpton) assures him that some day he will thank Dad for the gift of self-reliance and for the opportunity to learn to use a walker. It is a particular pleasure to report that although Lawrence naturally falls in love with Beth and goes through plenty of trouble to save her from being turned into a drug fiend, she does not make a better man of him.

Although the movie, which opens today at the United Artists Twin and other theaters, begins with film clips of icons of the early 1960's - John F. Kennedy, Pope John XXIII, Marilyn Monroe, Ed Sullivan - the spirit is very much of the 80's. But a little melancholy may blend with the laughter ''Volunteers'' draws at the expense of those earnest days when a President was urging people to ask what they could do for their country.
*****
On the other hand….from VARIETY

By VARIETY STAFF
Volunteers is a very broad and mostly flat comedy [from a story by Keith Critchlow] about hijinx in the Peace Corps, circa 1962. Toplined Tom Hanks gets in a few good zingers as an upperclass snob doing time in Thailand, but promising premise and opening shortly descend into unduly protracted tedium.

Hanks plays Lawrence Bourne 3d, an arrogant, snide rich boy from Yale who trades places with an earnest Peace Corps designate when his gambling debts land him in danger at home. Once ensconced in a remote village, contentious couple Hanks and cohort Rita Wilson and ultra do-gooder John Candy set out to build a bridge across a river. Kidnapped and brainwashed by the commies, the gung-ho Candy disappears for a long stretch.

With Candy absent most of the time, Hanks' one-note, if sometimes clever, attitudinizing wears out its welcome after a while. He also is deprived of anyone effective to play off.

Lensed in Mexico, pic features a muddy, truly ugly look. Also present is the most offensively blatant plug for Coca-Cola yet seen in the new era of Coke-owned entertainment companies.

Things go bitter with Coke

In my recent discussion of product placement a reader asked about the Coke scene in the movie David Isaacs and I wrote, VOLUNTEERS. We took a lot of heat for it because the studio that produced it also owned the Coca Cola company. It was viewed as a shameless plug. The truth is it was a complete coincidence.

Here’s the notorious scene but first an earlier scene setting up the animosity between Lawrence (Tom Hanks) and Beth (Rita Wilson). They are flying to Thailand to begin service in the Peace Corps in 1962. Lawrence is a rich preppy who is only there because he switched places with his roommate Kent to skip a huge gambling debt. Beth is an idealistic coed. They’re about to land.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

BETH
Bangkok already? I can’t believe it.

LAWRENCE
Yes, we’ve been talking now for … (checks his watch) … Ooh, ten hours.

BETH
Kent, I’m really lucky to be assigned with you.

LAWRENCE
You know, Beth, we’re going to have so much to do when we get to…

A beat.

BETH
Loong Ta.

LAWRENCE
Of course. What do you think about taking tonight for ourselves? A bit of dinner, a few drinks, see a little of the city. And then, who knows? (taking her hand) There’s only one thing we haven’t shared together yet.

Beth smiles, not taking him seriously.

BETH
Very funny.

Lawrence smiles back at her. He’s serious. She looks at him, takes her hand back.

BETH
(cool) Thank you just the same.

LAWRENCE
Oh, come on, Beth. We’ve been moony-eyed since Istanbul. Why fight it?

BETH
(flustered) Kent, why are you doing this? I thought we were becoming friends.

LAWRENCE
This is what I do with my friends.

BETH
You’ve just been trying to go to bed with me?

LAWRENCE
(checking his watch) Well, I think I’ve put in the hours, don’t you?

Okay. And a few months later they’re in Loong Ta, a dirt poor village of thatched huts and nothing else. We needed a way to break the ice, to start getting them together. In interviewing former Peace Corps volunteers we learned that Coca Cola was one of the things they missed most, especially if stationed in a hot jungle. So taking that info, we wrote this scene:

*********
INT. LAWRENCE’S CLUB – NIGHT

Beth enters to find that Lawrence has transformed the hut into an exotic, albeit small, nightclub. There are bamboo chairs and tables, plants, and a makeshift bar, fully stocked with liquor. Lawrence, wearing his dinner jacket, sits at the corner table smoking a cigarette. An old villager sits off to the side, trying his best to play, “As Time Goes By” on his primitive Thai sitar.

LAWRENCE
Welcome. I call it “Lawrence’s”.

BETH
I don’t believe it… even from you.

LAWRENCE
It was easier than you think.

BETH
How did you…?

Lawrence waves at the villager to stop playing.

LAWRENCE
A little elbow grease, a few connections and voila: Loong Ta’s first public service. Are you as proud of me as I am? Can I get you a drink?

BETH
What’s this for?

LAWRENCE
For a job well done. I’ve got Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jim Beam… the whole gang.

BETH
You’ve got liquor?

LAWRENCE
And wine. The house special is a delightfully articulate Chablis.

BETH
I haven’t seen a tube of toothpaste in two weeks and you have a bar?

LAWRENCE
Don’t fight it, Beth.

BETH
Goodnight, Lawrence.

LAWRENCE
You’re taking the narrow view again.

She starts for the door, then stops and turns back.

BETH
Do you have a Coke?

LAWRENCE
Plain, cherry, lemon or vanilla?

BETH
Plain. A plain Coke.

Lawrence reaches beneath the bar, grabs a bottle of Coke, and with much panache, removes the cap.

LAWRENCE
(handing it to her) You more than earned it.

Beth takes the Coke, looks at it, then takes a long swig.

BETH
Oh, that is fantastic… I miss these so much. Lawrence, damn you, you’re a life saver.

LAWRENCE
(toasting her with another Coke) To friends. Would you care to dance?

Beth thinks it over, takes one more good chug of Coke, and steps into Lawrence’s arms.

LAWRENCE
(to the villager) Try it again, Sam.

The sitar player strikes up “As Time Goes By” in the same monotonous way. Lawrence snaps his fingers, ordering him to pick up the pace. THE CAMERA SLOWLY PULLS BACK, and THROUGH THE WINDOW we watch Lawrence and Beth dancing slowly around the room, Beth shyly looking into Lawrence’s eyes. Electricity flickers.

********

We wrote that Coke scene in the first draft, 1980. It stayed in every draft and wound up on the screen. Originally the movie was set up at MGM. After a couple of years it went into turnaround, finally landing at HBO Silver Screen in partnership with Tri-Star. This was 1984. Tri-Star was a division of Sony, as was the Coca Cola company. No one from the studio ever asked that that scene be in. No one from the studio ever mentioned that scene period.

A year later the film was released and we walked into a major shitstorm.

I look back and think, all of this could so easily been avoided if he just offered her a joint.

Movie Sneaks 2007

Every January the LA TIMES Calendar section has their movie preview for the year, listing all the films scheduled to be released. After grumbling for five minutes that one of them is not mine I begin to look for trends. Here’s what you can expect at your local Cineplex in 2007.

Forget sequels. This is the year of “3”. SPIDERMAN 3, SHREK 3, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3, RUSH HOUR 3 (why?), OCEANS 13 (which is really 3), and DIE HARD 3 (which is really 4 but the producers would like you to forget the last one). They’ll follow in a great tradition of GODFATHER 3, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3, and POLICE ACADEMY 3.

And then there’s the sequel of all sequels – THE SIMPSONS 438.

Graphic novels and comic books are in again. This year the FANTASTIC FOUR battle the Silver Surfer and Little Lulu. Also big are cross-country races, spoofs, families in distress, spoofs of families in distress, costume dramas, the Civil War, and Rwanda,

They’ll be plenty of animation which I’m sure will shake down this way – one great Pixar movie, Homer & co., Shrek, three Pixar imitators, and four costly bombs. They’ll all be voiced by major celebrities, adding nothing really but just taking away precious jobs from the voice over people who really need the money. Brad Pitt voicing a cartoon. What a coup!

And of course there’ll be no shortage of high school movies. Turds in punchbowls, Ben-Gay in jock straps – all your hilarious favorites will be there.

BEOWULF is finally coming to the screen! How good is studio research when they decide to greenlight the one book that every student since the beginning of time has loathed?

My pick for the worst movie this year: THE TRANSFORMERS directed by Michael Bay. He can’t even get decent performances out of robots.

Every year there’s an astronaut wannabe who builds a rocket in his backyard. But this year it’s different. He DOESN’T blow up the barn first.

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL was a comedy smash so this year there are seven wedding and four funeral movies. Also, spring break yuckfests, high concept romantic comedies, slacker idiots, and so that my age group isn’t left out – triangles involving lesbians.

Will Ferrell trades in NASCAR for competitive ice skating. He’s two years away from professional thumb wrestling.

We’ve got a couple of deathbed movies, people flashing back over their lives and careers. Kids learn their mom used to be Hitler’s girlfriend, that sort of thing.

Amy Poehler is in EVERY new comedy this year.

Parker Posey is in every drama.

And Jodie Foster is taking it easy this year. She’s only being stalked in one thriller.

No Oliver Stone movie so it’s safe to go to the theater this summer.

Steve Carell is the new Ben Stiller (and I couldn’t be happier).

Eddie Murphy wonders why he’s never taken seriously as an actor, then undoes all the goodwill he earned with DREAMGIRLS by doing NORBIT, where he plays four disgusting cartoon roles.

This year’s ELF is a princess in New York. Gee, I wonder if she’ll look out of place on the subway???

Jim Carrey tries to make us believe again that he’s a real actor with THE NUMBER 23. It’s a thriller not the number of attempts he’s made to be taken seriously.

Broadway will come to Hollywood. HAIRSPRAY (the movie based on the musical based on the movie) stars John Travolta in drag (looking for his first Oscar nomination as best supporting actress), and SWEENEY TODD with Tim Burton at the helm so you know it’ll be weird, interesting, and star Helena Bonam Carter (who may or may not be able to sing but so what? She’s the director’s wife.)

HARRY POTTER will be back, battling his greatest foe – puberty.

All in all, a typical year. Big stars, familiar genres, interesting sounding loglines, and by October we’ll be seeing trailers for SHREK 4, SPIDERMAN 4, and oh how I wish – GHANDI 2.

America got it WRONG

For everyone who has ever been overlooked, or fired, here's the video for you. Golden Globe winner (and soon to be Oscar winner) Jennifer Hudson being booted off of AMERICAN IDOL. Revenge is a dish best served at an awards banquet.

The TCA Convention

For the most part I’ve gotten along with TV critics. Okay, Tom Shayles once blamed me personally for the downfall of television but he may have been right. Plus, in my capacity as blog wise-ass, I’ve done my own share of TV critiquing. So I have empathy for them. When some stink burger crosses my screen I can turn it off. They have to watch it…along with four additional episodes that are even worse. Hell, just the TEN COMMANDMENTS mini-series would kill me.

Currently the nation’s TV critics have gathered in Pasadena for the bi-annual spin fest called the TCA Convention. Here networks, show runners, and stars ply them with shrimp and Bloody Marys hoping to get good reviews and favorable press. On the surface it sounds like a good deal. Free trip to LA, comped room at the Ritz-Carlton. But then you realize what’s expected of them. Sitting in a conference room eight hours a day for two weeks hearing one dog and pony show after another. Imagine being trapped in a room while the producer of WHO’S YOUR DADDY talked for an hour about how groundbreaking and important to society his show was. If networks gave out ice picks as swag you’d jam it in your skull.

On the other hand, this TCA dance is no fun for producers either. Three times I have had the pleasure of sitting on stage touting my shows. I looked out at a room of 100 bored restless people who dared me to say anything they hadn’t heard fifteen times already… that day.

For one of our sessions we followed a producer who insulted all of the critics, made fun of one member’s accent, and listed every euphemism for vagina he could think of. By the time we got up to speak there was almost a mutiny.

Another time we confronted them after our studio’s crack PR department gave them swag so cheap and insulting that we became the laughing stock of the convention. We got questions like, “Will your show be in color?”

Only once did we have a good session, and that’s thanks to actor, Kevin Kilner. It was the first year of ALMOST PERFECT. Along with fellow co-creators David Isaacs and Robin Schiff, the show’s stars, Nancy Travis and Kevin Kilner joined us on the panel. For the first half hour it was the usual -- they asked rote questions and typed our rote answers even before we gave them. Finally, one reporter asked Kevin Kilner what his background was. He said that before he became an actor he was an accountant for a chicken farm. And then he said, “Do any of you guys know how they slaughter chickens?” I thought, “Oh Christ, we’re so dead.” But the critics all woke up. Suddenly a topic they hadn’t heard. So Kevin described in graphic neck-snapping detail how chickens are killed and for the next fifteen minutes we held them in rapt attention. And ALMOST PERFECT got the best reviews in our career.

So the lesson here is if you’re a producer scheduled to meet the press later this week, talk about anything other than your show. I think the topic of what goes into hotdogs is still open.

And if you’re one of the critics, the conference room now has Wifi. Go to pogo.com. There are hundreds of free online games.

And we’ll see you again in July and do it all over again. With fifty great NEW shows, much better than the 50 great new shows that are premiering now.

Never share a cab with someone more important than you

Apparently, there are Google rules that frown upon loading up a post with most-used search words. Since I want to be a good responsible blogger citizen...and more importantly, the experiment itself didn't seem to work at all (I got one extra hit for Molly Sims. Big whoop.) I thought I'd move off that topic and on to the next. This reminds me of an old kids' show host in the 50's (maybe it was Soupy Sales) who said, "Now kids, go to daddy's wallet, take out a dollar, and send it to me."

Anyway, onwards and sidewards.

Tony Gwynn’s recent selection to the Hall of Fame brought to mind a story about me and Tony and just where I fit in in the world.

I was broadcasting for the San Diego Padres. We were in New York to play the Mets. Tony and I shared a cab out to Shea Stadium. At one point in Queens the driver hit an oil slick, lost control of the car and we spun into a 360 degree turn. He was finally able to bring the cab to a stop, no one was hurt, but we were all quite shaken up. (Tony was so rattled that he only went 3-5 that night).

As we resumed our commute I said to Tony, “You realize if we had crashed there would have been news bulletins breaking into every network, huge front page headlines the next day and they all would say, ‘Baseball star, Tony Gwynn and a passenger were killed in a auto accident’.

My entire life would be reduced to “passenger”.

Tony felt bad. And mind you, this was not a ploy to get him to pay the fare (although it worked). He felt it was wrong that one person should be valued over another just because they’re famous. It was sweet of him to say but I was still feeling bummed out. You can’t change the way the world operates, yes it’s unfair, but some people are special and others are just considered nothing. And I fell into the latter category.

We arrived at the stadium. Tony paid the fare and the driver said there was an additional charge. Why? Because he had a passenger. Yes! It turns out my life is not without value! It’s worth $3.50!

I was soooo relieved.

And the hits just keep on comin'

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Monday Miscellaneous

Starting the week with no topic in particular....

The first two hours of 24 were great. I sometimes have lunch at Philippe's downtown near Union Station but now I realize, SHIT! That's where all the terrorists are!!

When a movie goes into prep usually the first thing done is to fire the writer who spent three years on the project and replace him with the director’s friend, or worse, the director himself. How apropos that the product name to eliminate waste before a colonoscopy is called MoviPrep. It’s what Hollywood really thinks of us scribes.

On the A&E cleaned up version of THE SOPRANOS, will Pussy be renamed Wonder Down Under?

Saw THE ILLUSIONIST. Excellent movie. It’s what THE PRESTIGE hoped to be. If I were one of those boot licker movie reviewers I’d say “Spellbinding! Doesn’t miss a trick! Magic for the whole family (except the kids). The only thing up its sleeve is Oscar! It’s the Houdini Who-done-it of the season! Levitates the entire genre. Even if they sawed it in a half it would be great!” But I’m not so just see the friggin’ movie.

And NOTES ON A SCANDAL is even better. This has to be the strongest year ever for the Best Actress Category. Judi Dench or Cate Blanchett could easily win for this one. But Helen Mirren (THE QUEEN) and Kate Winslet (LITTLE CHILDREN) also have a good shot. Alas, I think Shawnee Smith (SAW III) is going to get shut out this year. Maybe next year with SAW IV.

I’d actually see and review more movies if the producers/studios/PR firms sent me DVD’s (hint hint). I love blog swag!!

The LA TIMES Calendar had their annual Movie Sneaks issue on Sunday. That's always the scariest day of the year if you're writing a spec screenplay. You read through all the movies that will be released this year and just pray that none are too similar to the script you're been writing for the last seven months. "Oh shit! There's gonna be a SPIDERMAN 3?!"

Two more sitcoms arrived DOA. KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY and CASE OF EMERGENCY. I wish if the networks were going to buy fewer sitcoms they’d buy BETTER ONES! And maybe not schedule them against AMERICAN IDOL (although any show starring Greg Germann deserves to be up against AMERICAN IDOL, GREY’S ANATOMY, CSI, and THE SUPERBOWL).

From the MASH MAILBAG: a reader wondered why the Hawkeye character was never developed in any spinoff. Simple. Alan Alda wanted to pursue other things. At the time his feature career was really taking off. Had Alan wanted to do AfterMASH I don’t think CBS would have said, sorry, we have Bill Christopher.

More MASH MAILBAG: The lawsuit that Alan had with 20th Century Fox over syndication. Alan receives a percentage of the profits, so when MASH is sold into syndication, the higher the price to stations obviously the higher the profit. And normally studios will try to get the highest price. But 20th also owns FX. If MASH plays there the studio gets less syndication money but more advertising money, along with great programming to boost their fledgling network. So they come out great but anyone who owns a piece of the show doesn’t. That’s what the lawsuit dealt with. No such legal dispute however, between Bill Christopher and 20th over AfterMASH profits.

What a better world this would be if Dr. Martin Luther King were still in it.

THE GOLDEN GLOBES – Hollywood’s biggest night since the installation of new traffic lights.

The O.C. was cancelled despite gratuitous girl-on-girl action. When THAT doesn’t work you know it’s time to pull the plug.

The only show on television that I wouldn’t want to see gratuitous girl-on-girl action is THE VIEW.

Lindsay Lohan had her appendix out. It’s available on eBay.

I admit it. I can’t wait for AMERICAN IDOL to return. Especially the early auditions. More than the X-FILES, this show conclusively proves there are aliens from outer space here on earth. Creatures from other planets apparently communicate with earthlings by singing “My Heart Will Go On”.

Please bury James Brown already. Please Please bury James Brown already.

Paula Abdul is ready for another season

Why do people think she's either smashed or out of her mind? She sounds perfectly normal and rational in this recent interview.

Writing a spec 24

Re-posted and revised from last year.

Loved the comment by Mik wondering if anybody ever wrote a spec “24”. I can just see the rejection letter:

Thank you for your script “5:00 – 6:00 P.M.” Unfortunately it does not fit our needs. There were a number of choices you made that suggest you’re not really familiar with our show. On page 12 you have Jack eating. No one ever eats. You also refer to take-out cartons strewn all over CTU. For future reference, only agents and approved personnel are given security clearance to CTU, not Domino Pizza boys. We pride ourselves on reality. On page 16 you have Jack saying he needs to use the bathroom. Why not a manicure? We have no time for such frivolous activities.

Pay careful attention to the clock. You have Curtis driving out to Simi Valley from headquarters downtown in 52 minutes. Everyone knows, at that hour of the day, it only takes 10 minutes, 13 if there’s heavy traffic.

Not once in your script did you have anyone say, “Just let me do my job!” I almost didn’t recognize it as a “24”.

When Jack calls Chloe and says, “Get me those coordinates now or 10,000,000 people will die!” you don’t need Chloe answering, “I know. I’m not a fucking moron. You told me that three times already!”

When the CTU staff learns that Jack’s daughter Kim has been kidnapped you have them all cheering. I don’t think they would do that. They would merely smile knowingly to each other.

And finally, I didn’t find your jeopardy –- Jack trying to prevent Hurricane Katrina -- plausible. Better to stick with crazed foreigners who bought nuclear weapons on ebay and plan to blow up the world because they couldn’t get a parking space at the Grove. Always think realism!

Thank you again for your submission. Although it is wildly uneven and stretches credibility far beyond what any audience would accept I am forwarding it to THE UNIT.

Here's the Open All Night Opening

Recently, I posted a portion of an OPEN ALL NIGHT script my partner, David and I wrote. You can find it here. That led to a discussion on the opening theme. Here it is in all its goofiness. Bring back opening titles! And for that matter, bring back OPEN ALL NIGHT!

The Taco Bell Drano Ken Levine blog

Madison Avenue has a big problem. People don’t watch commercials. They’ve had fifty years to solve this problem (and judging by HeadOn headache remedy spots they’ve learned nothing) but now with Tivo, audiences can eliminate them completely. Advertisers must find new ways to convey the vital message that Lamisil targets toenail fungus where it lives.

Subliminal messages have been tried and outlawed. They can’t slip in the Pepsi logo for one frame in a movie, Mel Gibson can’t throw up a one second title card that says the Holocaust never existed into APOCOLYPTO. But if a character in a movie drinks a Pepsi, that’s okay. And if she should happen to say, “Mmmmmmm, that’s not only good, it’s the voice of a new generation!”, all the better. Product placement has become the new answer. Production companies are thrilled because it’s found money for them. If Earl is going to go to the hardware store anyway, why not make it a Home Depot? And that’s fine until…what happens when the writers decide they don’t need that scene? Or they come up with a better one that’s set somewhere else? Will storytelling have to be compromised to accommodate the sponsor? We all know the answer to that question.

An interactive variation of this is SeenOn.com. Now you can watch GREY’S ANATOMY, like the outfit that Ellen Pompeo is wearing and order it on line. You can also buy Ugly Betty’s stool (I hope they’re referring to furniture). In theory this too is a good idea but I want to be there the day they tell Teri Hatcher what dress she has to wear.

One way around all these pesky “creative” issues is to digitally add products to scenes after the fact. Now Columbo can have a can of Glade in his car, Lucy can clean her clothes with Tide, and the “can you hear me now?” guy can be inserted into the Zapruder film.

Sponsors are happy these days if they can just get the name of their damn product in front of your face or in your ear. This has led to corporate sponsorship and it’s not going away. It’s bad enough that the Houston Astros must play in Minute Maid Park, and there’s such a thing as the Weed Whacker Bowl. I foresee the day when we’ll all be paying our respects at the Wendy’s Arlington National Cemetery. Dr. Sidney Goldstein will be awarded the prestigious Depends Nobel Prize in Chemistry. And we’ll all be living in the United States of Google.

At this point I must sheepishly admit that I too have succumbed to this trend. I’m not proud of myself but since it’s available and the sitcom business has all but dried up, I have accepted a generous offer from a leading manufacturer. And so from now until 2011 (when I have the option to renegotiate) my daughter, Annie will be known as Dow Chemical Levine.

My son, wife, and cat are still available. And just think, all this extra income because people no longer want to see the Quizno’s rodents. God bless, Janitor In A Drum’s America!

Your guide to 24

For everybody who says “I hear 24 is great but I don’t want to join it in the middle” Sunday night is your chance to start fresh with a whole new day and season.

And if you’re not familiar with the characters, let me quickly get you up to speed.

JACK BAUER (Kiefer Sutherland) – Has personally saved the world from nuclear war, a killer virus, deadly terrorist attacks, Richard Nixon’s even more evil twin, the destruction of Los Angeles, and a presidential assassination yet has not received so much as a holiday ham from this grateful nation. Last seen on a slow boat to China where torture awaited. Once they broke him down to where he could pass for Nick Nolte they returned him. That’s where this season picks up.

CHLOE (Mary Lynn Rajskub) - CTU agent, computer whiz, and my favorite character on television even though I often want to slap her. Could not be more snotty, could not have worse people skills. She’s the template for every US postal employee.

NINA, GEORGE, SHERRY, TERI, EDGAR, any civilian who ever assisted Jack – dead so don’t worry about them. Same with TONY, MICHELLE, and PRESIDENT PALMER (I hope he had good Allstate Life Insurance).

AUDREY (Kim Raver) – Jack’s willowy annoying girlfriend. Mad at Jack for a host of reasons. And furious that he didn’t save her when she was held hostage in a bank. Jack tried to explain that was THE NINE, it wasn’t his show but she still is hurt. I guess the sex is great but when does he ever have time?

WAYNE PALMER (D.B. Woodside) – David Palmer’s brother. Now the President. It’s as if Fredo were in the White House. Wait a minute, Fredo IS in the White House.

CURTIS (Roger Cross) – Another CTU field agent. Does not yet have enough viewer popularity to be killed. But this could be his year.

KIMBERLY (Elisha Cuthbert) – Jack’s insufferable daughter. Been kidnapped so many times she now brings her own rope and gag. Can not ride in a car unless she’s in the trunk.

BILL BUCHANAN (James Morrison) – Head of CTU’s Los Angeles branch. Often mistaken for Max Headroom.

KAREN HAYES (Jayne Atkinson) – Uptight but fair Director of Homeland Security. Will sleep with Bill Buchanan once she receives authorization in triplicate.

MARTHA LOGAN (Jean Smart) – Former First Lady. Good hearted but a little nuts. Among her advisors were Malibu Barbie and Skipper.

Plus, new this year because the network insisted on stunt casting – Hamri Al-assad and Ahmed Amar.

So let the shootings, explosions, mayhem, suspense, twists, and uninterrupted cellphone service no matter where Jack is begin!!

Hall of justice???

Congratulations to Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. for being selected to the Baseball Hall-of-Fame. Having broadcast for both the Orioles and the Padres it was a privilege being able to watch these gifted athletes play every day. And more important than their stats and the honor they brought to the game, both men at times agreed to be my guest on the post game show. And this was radio, folks.

Mark McGwire with 583 home runs didn’t make the cut. The suspicion of drug use and McGwire’s refusal to do the 2005 congressional steroid hearing post game show led to that decision. And it poses the bigger question: should players who are suspected of illegally enhancing their performance be denied entrance into the hallowed hall? Does this mean we keep out Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmiero, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, and Jason Grimsley?

Just think, if the Rock n’ Roll Hall-of-Fame had a drug restriction its only members would be Debby Boone and the Singing Nun.

When baseball righteously upholds this policy because they must protect and preserve their sacred level playing field it really is a joke. Players in the 50’s and 60’s downed uppers like they were Chicklets. Did that keep them out? What about when baseball lowered the pitching mound five inches in the late 60’s to give hitters a better chance? Is every batting record after 1968 tainted? And every pitching record before 1968? What about the “live ball” MLB employed for a few years? Felix Fermin even hit a dinger, for Godsakes! And if we’re really getting serious, no home run ever hit in Colorado should count towards anything.

Since Hall-of-Famer, Ty Cobb first captured the stolen base crown by spiking infielders at second base, players and teams have always looked for an edge. They steal signs, they cork bats, juice balls, tilt foul lines, hire a midget, water down basepaths, wear reflective jewelry, play “Pop Goes the Weasel” and show fountains spouting on Diamondvision Boards when Viagra spokesman, Rafael Palmiero comes to the plate. I’m not saying I condone it (well…maybe the last example) but that’s just part of the game. Baseball is built on tradition and that’s one of them.


Gaylord Perry’s in the Hall-of-Fame. He never threw a pitch that didn’t spray the first four rows of the grandstands.

Steroid use is wrong and is dangerous. The health risks are enormous. And in the long run, the price these players pay for their inflated statistics may be far greater than the benefits. But I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to be an Eagle Scout to qualify for Cooperstown.

For those who say it would be a gross injustice if Mark McGwire is in the Hall-of-Fame I say it’s a gross injustice that Jim Rice isn’t.

the MASH 30 year reunion special

The Hallmark Channel recently ran a MASH marathon, which means they were showing MASH 18 hours a day instead of the normal 16 (and I LOVE them for it. Those $.74 residual checks just keep rolling in).

They also showed the 30th ANNIVERSARY MASH SPECIAL that aired on Fox in 2002. As one of you readers mentioned, I was featured… for six seconds. And that was more than any of the other writers got.

When they were putting together the special they invited groups of us longtime MASH writers to be interviewed. They broke us up into two groups of five. My group was interviewed for two hours. Same with group two. We all told great anecdotes, had wonderful concise overviews of the show filled with insight, great pith, and social perspective. We were funny, charming, articulate, dazzling – you would have been proud of us. The end result: my six second sound byte and one master shot of us sitting at a table like loxes made it to air. And I imagine the production company had to be arm wrestled into using that much.

Fortunately, in the round table discussion with the actors, Larry Gelbart, Gene Reynolds, and Burt Metcalfe were included. You never see them in any cast photo but these three men really were the heart and soul of MASH. I always maintain that when my partner, David and I were head writers during the middle seasons we were just allowed to take the wheel and drive daddy’s car for awhile. But it was Larry, Gene, Burt, and later, Alan Alda who really established the series, gave it its tone, humor, humanity, and voice.

The actors roundtable segment was seemingly done on the MASH set. In truth, it was a replication, filmed not on Stage 9 at 20th Century Fox but on some rented sound stage in Hollywood. But walking on that set, seeing those familiar tents, and reuniting with the people who were so much a part of my life for so long, it was very eerie. And impossible to even fathom that 30 long years had passed.

I was six when I was on MASH so of course I still looked good, but I was happy to see how well everyone else looked.

It was a wonderful reunion. We writers told the same sparkling stories we did at the interview, desperately hoping someone would listen. Thank you, Jaimie Farr, for indulging us.

Being a part of MASH was like being a member of a Superbowl winning team. It was an experience I will always cherish.

Networks are so intent on shaking up the sitcom format. They’re frantically grasping for anything different and new. Maybe instead of looking forward they should be looking backwards…

30 years.

The Apprentice: LA

THE APPRENTICE is back! NBC has such tremendous faith in the show that they’ve scheduled it against DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. If you’re not familiar with the premise, it’s SURVIVOR except the guys wear Brooks Brothers and the women wear Jones of New York. 18 of the most insufferable preppy arrogant good-looking over-achievers vie for an executive position with Donald Trump’s organization. Another title for the show could be WHO WANTS TO BE MICHAEL MILKEN?

Each week the two teams are given a competing corporatesque task and the person on the losing team who did the worst job is “fired”. But in fairness, that contestant does have the chance to defend him/herself… and by that I mean lie and throw their best friends under the bus. (If the show really wanted to be accurate, the contestant who passed the most blame and ruined the most reputations would win the executive position).

Once a break-out hit, THE APPRENTICE is now floundering in the ratings (translation: it’s a Bear Market). To try to put some zing back into the franchise this edition is set in Los Angeles, not New York. In Gotham, typical tasks were design ad campaigns, open art galleries in Soho, stage promotions in Times Square without getting arrested. I don’t know what LA tasks are planned but I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

They have to program a night on the C/W that gets more than a .01 share.

They have to open a K-Mart in Beverly Hills.

They have to get a CAA agent to return their call.

They have to spread the rumor that Rosie O’Donnell is a member of the al Queda.

They have to drive Faye Dunaway around for an entire hour.

They have to talk NewsCorp. and Viacom into merging.

They have to sell maps to Joanne Worley's house.

They have to give TWO AND A HALF MEN’S Chuck Lorre, script notes.

They have to find a replacement for Vin Scully.

They have to write a screenplay about a living nativity scene and sell it.

They have to run the Betty Ford Center.

They have to talk Sylvester Stallone out of making that new RAMBO sequel.

They have to fill sandbags and fortify Barbra Streisand’s Malibu beach house during the next rain storm.

They have to get TILL DEATH renewed.

They have to host the Academy Awards.

They have to get Madonna’s Malawian baby enrolled in the Center For Early Learning.

And finally, they have to get Jay Leno to stop doing Donald Trump hair jokes. Suddenly, all of the other tasks seem easy.

Any other suggestions? Now’s the time to post them, before the show is cancelled the last week of January.

Everybody SHOULD love Patty

Why the hate for Patty Heaton? Yikes. Big article about it recently in Sunday’s New York Times. People are outraged over her political and religious views. The fact that people are outraged over everything these days notwithstanding, the reaction still seems way out of whack.

She and I are polar opposites when it comes to politics, but after working with her on EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, I can say, unashamedly, that…

I love Patty Heaton!!

I have never worked with a nicer, kinder, and more talented actress. She’s so down to earth it’s hard to believe she even is an actress.

This one story gives you an idea of who she really is:

In one of the episodes of RAYMOND I directed there was a scene where Patty had a splinter and Ray, trying to prove how helpful he was, was chasing her around the living room with a set of tweezers. The script called for him to catch her at the couch. Watching it, I thought, there’s more room for fun here. So I suggested we expand the bit. What if Patty rolls off the couch onto the floor? Then she tries to crawl away. But Ray grabs her ankles. She squirts away. He grabs her again. He then pulls her back, across the floor. We spent an hour working out numerous variations of this and Patty, God bless her, hung in there the whole time. Trust me when I say there are not a lot of actresses who would a) be such good sports, and b) be willing to rehearse so long and so strenuously just to perfect a one minute comedy bit. But that’s Patty.

I’m sure she will weather this storm. And go on to do more great projects. Currently she’s in a play in New York and getting terrific notices.

I just wish the people who disagree so vehemently with her views could see past them to the lovely caring person she is. It’s time to ease up already. She’s been dragged around the floor enough.

My predictions for 2007

The LA TIMES asked me earlier this week to give my predictions for the year. Since I can’t predict they’ll even print them (other than on their website), I’m posting them here and adding a bunch for blog readers only. Let's see how many I get right.

I look for Britney Spears not to be asked back for a Mouseketeer Reunion, Apple to introduce the ipod cellphone/video player/pacemaker/geiger counter/pocket fisherman/wii player/GPS system/potato peeler, Rocky Balboa to fight Jennifer Hudson, J.D. Drew will miss half the season, Lindsay Lohan will misspell her own name, Mel Gibson's next movie will delve into the misunderstood world of cockfighting, the first season of THE NINE will come out on DVD, the major networks will develop seven BORAT clones this pilot season, Keith Richards will break his leg falling out of bed, several Grammy winners will not be able to accept their awards at the ceremony because they're in jail, there will only be three Iwo Jima movies this year, the Kings will win another game, there will be a summer movie that Will Ferrell isn’t in, I will wish the L-WORD were more graphic, DEAD GIRL will not be adapted as a musical, Tim McCarver will call Albert Pujols “Ellen Pompeo”, Katie Couric will bow to research and wear lifts, Boise State will not repeat, Fantasia will be performing at Six Flags Magic Mountain, no star that gives birth to a baby will give it a decent name, America will get tired of Masi Oka (or at least I will), there will not be a sequel to ALL THE KINGS MEN, Dick Cheney will invite Nancy Pelosi to a hunting trip, Randy Jackson will quit AMERICAN IDOL but they’ll just use footage of him from last year and no one will know the difference, and finally, Time Magazine's Man of the Year will be not you but the guy standing next to you.

LOST HOUSE 24 Part II

Continuing my first season of LOST HOUSE 24, a combination of all three series. Part one was yesterday if you missed it.

12 am – 1 am
In the hatch an old training film is found. It’s an introduction to the Dharma Initiative, hosted by Jenna Elfman. Back at camp, House and Charlie break open a few ceramic Virgin Marys and toke up together. Doc cuts down Kate from the hunter’s net. Reluctantly.

1 am – 2 am
On his trip back to camp Jack stumbles upon a Survivor tribal council (SURVIVOR 14: WE’VE DONE EVERY ISLAND BUT THIS ONE AND CATALINA). Jack senses disharmony in the tribe and asks if anyone is not pulling their fair share. Nobody talks. He makes them talk. House and Sawyer now make fat jokes at preggo Sun’s expense.

2 am - 3 am
Just everyone's luck it's time to turn the clocks ahead one hour. Nothing happens this hour.

3 am – 4 am
Jin is deathly ill but House can’t treat him because he doesn’t know any Korean diseases. Jack gets call from weepy Audrey. Can he help her? She’s trapped in the cast of THE NINE. He asks if she’d send a rescue party. She flies into a rage, claiming all he cares about is himself. Mr. Eko, who up until now, hasn’t said a word, tells Jack to dump the bitch.

4 am – 5 am
Jack discovers Sayid is a terrorist and tells him the biggest threat to Al Queda is Audrey and she should be killed immediately. Sayid puts that on his to-do list. For fun the camp holds a “House look-alike” contest and Fenry (formerly Henry) wins. Then they realize he’s one of the “Others”. The rest of the “Others” ambush the camp. Sun, in her seventh month, has to use the bathroom every five minutes.

5 am – 6 am
Jack, Doc, and Sawyer are taken hostage. When Kate learns they’re to be put in cages she volunteers. Flashback: Spiritual seeking Locke realizes that Scientology is too weird even for him.

6 am – 7 am
Doc is held in a glass cell where “Other” member, Juliet tries to win his confidence by telling him WE ARE MARSHALL was not that bad. Jack kills seven of his captors. Everyone enjoys a stunning sunrise.

7 am – 8 am
Sayid leads a search party but stops on the beach to participate in the Survivor reward challenge. The LOST gang wins. They’re all given fishing equipment and bandanas they can sell later on eBay. Meanwhile, Doc learns that the evil Fenry needs an operation and only he can perform it. Doc tells him House is a better surgeon so the “Others” set out to get him instead. Jack shoots Juliet in the knee because, well…because he can.

8 am – 9 am
Morning aerobics back at the camp. The excited search party returns with their winnings. House has snorted his seventh ceramic Virgin Mary. When the “Others” come to get him he thinks they are the Pirates of the Caribbean but goes along with them anyway.

9 am – 10 am
Jack tries to talk Kate into joining CTU with the promise that she would be tied up, thrown in cages, and handcuffed a lot. House arrives. Takes one look at Juliet’s shattered knee and determines it’s a brain aneurism. There are a string of broken Virgin Marys along the trail. The “Others” still want Doc to operate. He makes Fenry show him proof of insurance.

10 am – 11 am
Doc operates. But cuts an artery. He makes a deal with the “Others”. If they free the LOST gang he’ll let Fenry live. They agree. But no one tells Jack. He blows up the compound. Ooops. Doc was inside.

11 am – 12 pm
The LOST gang returns to the campsite. House delivers Sun’s baby. Mistakes it for a large tumor. Locke takes away the ceramic Virgin Marys. House counters by writing himself a prescription then realizes he’s 3,000 miles away from the nearest pharmacy. He borrows Jack’s phone, calls CVS begs them to deliver. Jack feels guilty for killing Doc. But everyone celebrates the cycle of life so hugs and warm feelings all around. Jack doesn’t let the blood on his hands keep him from being thrilled to be a father again. He vows that this time things will be different. Goes to the cradle only to discover that the baby has been kidnapped.

CLIFFHANGER

Continued next season

The "Stare"

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Jan 2nd thoughts

Thanks to all of you for your New Years best wishes. Let’s hope 007 is a James Bond worthy year for all of us.

Didn’t it seem like James Brown’s funeral got more play than former President Gerald Ford’s? Interestingly, the same was true when President Ronald Reagan and Ray Charles died the same week.

I love how James Brown was in two different suits for his two memorial services. The man had class even after the end. Although I did half expect him to pop out of the coffin. The Famous Flames would settle him down, drape the robe over his shoulders, he’d sing out “Please, Please!,” the crowd would go wild. OWWW! That would have been great.

I saw James Brown perform at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles in 1967. There was me and maybe ten other white kids. But damn it was worth it. The man was UNBELIEVABLE.

For a great concert performance of James Brown, get the TAMI Show DVD. That was a closed circuit concert taped in 1965 that also featured, among others, Chuck Berry, and a very young Mick Jagger. And neither comes CLOSE to the Godfather of Soul. Very little of Gerald Ford’s concert material still exists.

For great recollections of James Brown, check out Lloyd Thaxton’s blog. Lloyd was a local TV dance show host who was one of the first to book Brown on his show. I remember those shows. All the clean cut white kids in their suits and dresses were terrified. I think at one point James yelled “POPCORN!” and three guys wet themselves.

Now that he’s gone, does that officially make Ryan Seacrest the “Hardest Working Man in Show Business”?

Who looked worse on those New Year’s Eve Ball Dropping shows Sunday night – Dick Clark or Carson Daly? Is Carson Daly anorexic? I haven’t seen his show in a long time. (My policy: if I’m not in a rewrite I don’t have to be up that late.) But I was shocked. I think Calista Flockhart would be shocked. Or is it just, that’s what happens to you when you go to NBC?

I have to honestly say, I applaud Dick Clark’s courage but it was too painful to watch him.

On NBC’s Sunday Night Football telecast, Brett Favre was asked by sideline reporter (I believe it was Andrea Kremer) if he was coming back next year. Favre literally broke down and cried. Her next question was “Can you tell us your emotions?” GUESS!!

It was another glorious sunny day for the Rose Parade this year. I imagine half the population of Denver has now decided to move out here. And when they dig out of this blizzard in May they’ll pack up and come.

As for the parade itself, I found it amusing that they followed their big theme production number celebrating the “Nature of Man” with a stealth bomber fly-over.

And just how classless was Bob Eubanks? Bad enough they fire Stephanie Edwards, but fifteen minutes into the broadcast, while discussing some old horses that will be replaced next year he says “yeah, and that’s what happens to old commentators.” Nice. That’s what happens to old game show hosts, too, Bob.

I hope the Ohio State marching band plays their official state rock song during halftime of the championship bowl game next week. The official Ohio rock song is "Hang on Sloopy". My compliments to the 116th Ohio General Assembly for its taste.

My New Year’s Resolution: Get mentioned in Defamer.com more.

NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS: I am adopting a writer friend’s policy. I will vote for ANY movie that sends me a screener DVD. Oh wait, they sent me WORLD TRADE CENTER. Never mind.

Happy New Year

May 2007 be for you what 2006 was for Jennifer Hudson, Stephen Colbert, Reese Witherspoon, the Texas Longhorns, Helen Mirren, Steve Nash, Taylor Hicks, Keith Olbermann, LeDainian Tomilnson, U2, Justin Timberlake, Masi Oka, Ryan Howard,Tony Shalhoub, Little Miss Sunshine, the Miami Heat, Google, Pirates of the Caribbean, Alfonzo Soriano, Jack Bauer, Borat, YouTube, MySpace, democrats, George Clooney, the Black Eyed Peas, Drew Lachey, Survivor Yul Kwon, Eddie Murphy, Meredith Viera, Jeremy Piven, Italy’s national soccer team, Lonelygirl 15, Battlestar Galactica, Beyonce, Philip Seymour Hoffman, High School Musical, Netflix, Kanye West, Project Runway, the Carolina Hurricanes, Hannah Montana, John Legend, Wallace & Gromit, Tiger Woods (again), Defamer.com, Scott Boras, History Boys, the Office, Dwyane Wade, Perez Hilton, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Heroes, James Bond, Julia Louis-Dreyfus,the St. Louis Cardinals, Kelly Clarkson, Roger Federer, Ang Lee, the iTunes store, Grey’s Anatomy, and this blog.

Happy New Year!!!

Ken