Our first MASH

As I conduct my writing seminar this weekend here are a couple of MASH related posts. This is the story of how David Isaacs and I got our first MASH assignment.

We had sold a JEFFERSONS and a couple of episodes of another series, JOE AND SONS, cancelled one nanosecond after we turned in our second script. (Surprisingly, there are no JOE AND SONS tribute websites.) Our agents moved up to the agency that also represented MASH executive producer, Gene Reynolds. He read and liked our JEFFERSONS and invited us to come in and meet. My partner and I had met in the Army Reserves so we were very comfortable writing a military show. This was season five, Larry Gelbart, had just left, and Gene was looking for new writers. Forget for a moment that the two of us together couldn’t carry Larry Gelbart’s pencil sharpener, we jumped at the chance.

We had a good meeting, were loaded down with research material, and told to come back when we had some stories to pitch. I asked how many stories? At the JEFFERSONS writers were allowed to pitch only three. Gene said as many as we had.

A week later we were back in his office with FIFTY stories. There was no way we were going to walk out of there without a sale. Needless to say, he was a little overwhelmed. By idea number fifteen he put two of them together and gave us the assignment.

We were over the moon. (Quick aside, a little over a year later we became head writers of MASH and wound up using most of those fifty stories.)

The two stories for that initial assignment were:

A gas heater blows up and Hawkeye is temporarily blind.

And Frank bets on baseball games aired by Armed Forces Radio live in the middle of the night then rebroadcast during the day. Thus he bets knowing the outcome. (This came from a true story I heard about from the Far East Network in Viet Nam.) Our spin was that Hawkeye discovers this and he, B.J., Radar, and Klinger do a recreation of a game to fool him.

The episode was called OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND. Our draft was very well received and proved to be the turning point of our career.

It took us two weeks to complete -- one week to write just one speech. But that speech was key to the episode.

Tomorrow – that speech.

Things to avoid when writing your screenplay

The Sitcomroom seminar is this weekend and we're putting together the final preparations. Making sure the hotel bar is open after sessions, etc. So for today I have a guest blogger, my daughter Annie. She's spending the summer doing coverage and volunteered to write a piece on things spec writers should avoid.

As a development intern, I have spent the past month reading scripts. Some good. Most bad. And now that the man at the Paramount commissary knows my name, I consider myself qualified enough to dispense advice. So this is my sagacious advice based on my first month of script reading. I present these as a public service because I want YOUR spec screenplay to be great.

Format. The format doesn’t need to be perfect, but seriously don’t switch back and forth between stage play and screenplay format.

Concepts. If it has been done before, don’t it again. I have no desire to read My Big Fat Mexican Wedding. What’s been done is done. And if you’re going to steal an idea, for G-d’s sakes don’t use anything that grossed over $360,000,000.

Characters. I don’t care if you’re trying to be cute, do NOT name all of your characters something similar. It is incredibly frustrating to read…and after the first few pages, I wouldn’t even try to differentiate.

Dialog. While characters’ dialog should be distinct, that does not just mean that all teenagers say “like,” all preteens say “shut up,” and all children say “you’re stupid.”

Setting/Time. If you’re going to create your own little sci-fi world at least set it up in the wall-to-wall. I am not just going to “guess” that it’s the year 2028 and robots rule the earth. Left to my own devices I’ll think it’s 2029.

Length. You have a much better chance of selling your script if it is 115 pages or less. You're not submitting it to Random House.

Voiceovers. Voiceovers can really make a movie (e.g. The Opposite of Sex). But do not use voiceovers instead of or alongside action. I don’t want to read “And then I walked down the street. It was dark outside and…” I CAN SEE THAT! And if I can’t, then please fix that, because I should.

That’s all I have for now, but if I can think of anything else that will keep you from that million dollar spec script payday I will let you know. Best of luck everybody!!!

Emmy nominations 2007

The Emmy nominations are out. Since most of them were leaked two weeks ago there weren’t many huge surprises. As expected, STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP got the most nominations in history. Well… in Aaron Sorkin’s world. But for the rest of us here on earth….

THE SOPRANOS was nominated for everything including best cartoon. Here’s what I hope happens. David Chase wins, goes up to the podium, starts to speak, and the screen just goes black.

In the drama category I was happy that HOUSE finally was recognized, and since I know the producers of BOSTON LEGAL I was thrilled they got a nod. Not that any of them have a chance against THE SOPRANOS. But three of my favorite dramas didn’t make the cut. LOST, DEXTER, and THE SHIELD. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS was a surprise snub but I contend the way they shoot that show, with the jiggling camera, is annoying and when academy members hurl their lunch they tend not to vote for you.

The academy got it right by not nominating last year’s winner, 24. They had a horrible season and unfortunately many voters live in Valencia and resent being nuked and incinerated.

I didn’t realize they still had a Best Comedy category but apparently they do and 30 ROCK and UGLY BETTY were the new darlings. George Lopez must be saying, “how could they nominate THE OFFICE instead of me?” I think ENTOURAGE is going to sneak in and win.

Interesting that DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES was ignored. And to make matters worse, Felicity Huffman did get a nomination. I’m sure those other women are going to be real fun to be around the next few weeks. Teri Hatcher-induced heart attacks should reduce the crew by seventeen.

Hugh Laurie finally got a Best Actor nomination. Hooray! It’ll be a two-man race between him and James Gandolfini. Michael C. Hall as DEXTER deserved a nod. He made a serial killer seem more sympathetic than any of our current elected officials. Missing was Eddie Izzard. If he played his character in a dress he could have gotten a best actress nod.

Patricia Arquette got nominated again for Best Actress. And so did Debra Messing. Even if they slept with every voter twice I still can't fathom why they got those nods. Oh, add Sandra Oh to that list.

If there’s one lock it’s Alec Baldwin for 30 ROCK. If he’s not there I’d love his daughter to accept the award for him. America Ferrara will take home the comedy gold for the leading ladies. It’s not easy playing ugly when you’re pretty.

Kevin Dillon, Jeremy Piven, Neil Patrick Harris? Too tough to call for best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. Dillon isn’t really stupid, Piven isn’t really an asshole, and Harris isn’t really straight. All three deserve the hardware.

And no one deserves an Emmy more than Jenna Fischer.

Mini-series? Tele-films? Whatever.

For the guest acting categories the academy just selects the biggest movie stars that qualify that year. Robert Duvall. Helen Mirren. Gena Rowlands. Martin Landau. Forest Whitaker. Eli Wallach. Salma Hayek. Hey, what a shock!

At least this year all of the nominated actors had more than thirteen seconds screen time like Ellen Burstyn did.

Here’s who I’d like to see win Guest Actor in a Drama Series: a tie between David Morse for HOUSE and Tim Daly for THE SOPRANOS.

Is it Stephen Colbert’s year or Jon Stewart’s? It won’t be Jay Leno’s.

The Emmy Awards telecast will be on September 16. I'll be reviewing them on this blog as I always do. Scheduled not to appear: Aaron Sorkin.

Scott Baio is 45 and single

Does ANYBODY give a shit? Including him?

This is the subject of yet another tiresome reality show as poor Scott Baio wonders why everyone doesn’t love Chachi.

Maybe because….

As a serious actor he’s the poor man’s Tony Danza. For 45 years he’s been the luckiest man on the planet. He’s fucked a gazillion hot women. He’s fucked over a gazillion hot women. He has money. He has independence.

But now middle age is setting in. The boyish looks are starting to fade. It used to be that banging Liza Minelli was a lark. Now she’s the ghoulish ghost of Baio future.

One day he wakes up and realizes his life is empty and he has commitment issues. He is racked with pain and confusion. This is not a problem he can solve himself. He needs highly qualified professional help. So he does the only rational thing a marginal celebrity can do – he sets up a reality show.

He hires a hot looking life coach (who I assume he’ll be banging by the final episode) and goes on a soul-searching journey to discover why he is screwed up. I bet this licensed life coach has an agent, manager, and PR person.

We meet his posse. Yes, even with no career anymore Scott Baio still has an entourage. So you can imagine THEIR self esteem.

We find that he loathes his fans. Spending twenty minutes in an autograph session is worse than what they do to Elisha Cuthbert in CAPTIVITY.

By now you so hate this guy that the instrument has not been devised that can measure your indifference to his problem.

He’s told he has to break up with his girlfriend for two months and remain celibate. So he plans an intimate dinner to break the bad news. Just the two of them and a full camera crew. It’s a scene that would bring a tear to a glass eye.

He seeks out old girlfriends to discover what went wrong. I guess his life coach saw HIGH FIDELITY. It seems he cheated on all these women. This stuns him. Why? He didn’t remember doing any of this? Or was he just shocked that they KNEW? In any event, he’s now reeling. Oh, the trauma of losing these women he hasn’t thought about in twenty years.

He meets up with Erin Moran. I let out an audible gasp. She now looks 65. “Joannie” lets him have it. He’s a narcissist. Stop! Stop! Too many revelations in one day!

She tells him he has a small penis. Ouch! I imagine Donny Most watching this and falling off his chair laughing. Scott seeks an objective opinion – his entourage. They’re aghast she could think such a thing. Of course, even if his penis is small it still has to be a kielbasa compared to theirs.

The series is more pathetic than fun. The show should be called SCOTT BAIO IS 45 AND HAS MADE-UP PROBLEMS. My guess is the life coach will not be successful in getting Scott to commit to marriage. But she may get him to agree to be her partner on the next AMAZING RACE.

Only in LA

We’ve come a long way since the LA TIMES’ Marc C. Bloom tire ads and J. C. Penney white sale announcements. Here in Los Angeles we have the LA WEEKLY. Check out some of these ads.

Dr. Pam Mirabaldi offers Vaginal Rejuvenation for only $2500! (Does one choose from various styles? Where can I get a catalog?)

On your next lunch break, instead of hitting Quiznos, stop by Epione for a “one hour face lift” only $3900. I imagine it’s a Joan Rivers daily ritual.

Or, you can spend your lunch hour getting a dental implant for only $699 thanks to Meir Agaki D.D.S. Before you say no just remember this: He’s a UCLA graduate.

Natural Beauty offers 25% discounts on Botox & Restylane injections. Prices like that would put a smile on your face if you could smile.

Mens Renaissance offer hair transplants, just $3 per graft. And there’s plasma TV’s in all rooms along with complimentary chauffer services.

But Crown Cosmetic Surgery allows you get your hair back for just 67 cents each! Perfect if you only need say twenty hairs.

“Don’t be a gas-hole” proclaims the classy ad for Vespas.

Hey, there’s a Cosmoplast special over at Dr. Michael G. Franco’s. And it’s Zyplast season too! The good news gets even better. No skin test required!

No more unsightly vascular blemishes, gals! Starting for only $100 you can get rid of those Cherry Hemangiomas that have kept you home Saturday nights with that Rabbit Vibrator that everyone is talking about for only $99.

Depressed? Call the Schuster Medial Research Institute. You could even MAKE money – up to $320 for being in a study group. You could put that towards your vaginal reconstruction and really perk up your spirits.

Southwestern Research Inc. will pay up to $500 to depressives willing to be studied. But you have to be $170 MORE depressed than the Schuster groups.

“The Theraputic Power of Water” says the slogan. It’s for colon hydroptherapy. Also in the ad are illustrations of healthy and unhealthy colons so you can compare them to yours and see if you need their services.

DNA testing for Immigration is offered. Must use real hair, not the $3 grafts.

Livingreen store & gallery has Rainshow’r Filters “for softer hair, smoother skin, and healthier lungs”. Most respiratory problems can be traced back to shower nozzles.

Buy a mattress at Sit & Sleep and get free concert tickets.

At Pacific Support Services they say you can “get marijuana with this card”.

Star Strip Beverly Hills features the only shower stage in town. Hopefully they use the Rainshow’r Filters.

Eros Station gentleman’s club in Van Nuys says “If she’s not in your face, you’re in the wrong place.”

Meanwhile, 4Play boasts Tally Stevens who does flips in 9 inch heels! Hey, that one’s only five minutes from my house. I better start wrapping this up.

How could Marc C. Bloom compete with all that? Even if they were to advertise in the LA WEEKLY there’d be a competing ad that says, “Are your tires bald? Try our tread restoration treatment. Rubber grafts just $49.95 a tire. And whiten those white walls for only $69.95.”

The "play"

Okay, one last highlight I promise. Later tonight the humorous posts resume.

But this is that wacky play I talked about. It happened ten minutes after I got on TV for the first time in ten years.

For those who wanted to hear what I sound like...

... doing baseball play-by-play, a friend posted this on YouTube. It's a half inning of my Seattle Mariners radio broadcast synced to the TV picture. I'll dispense with all the disclaimers and just let you listen. Thanks again to the M's for the opportunity.

Back from Seattle

The Seattle Mariners graciously invited me to fill-in for a couple of nights on their radio broadcast, reuniting me with one of the most picturesque, romantic cities in all the world -- Tacoma. But Seattle’s pretty keen too.

I arrived Wednesday during a record heat wave. 100 degrees. Who gets sunstroke in Seattle? It was like Tucson with ferries.

Seattle has only two things going against it – relentless rain in the winter and that God awful Perry Como song.

Stayed at the Silver Cloud Inn. I know it sounds like the name of every character Iron Eyes Cody ever played but it was an excellent hotel. Rooms so comfortable you can sleep right through the freight trains going by all night. For whatever reason I always get the room by the elevator, or ice machine, or train.

Hey, they have Starbucks in Seattle too! Who knew??

As I do every trip to the “Emerald City”, I hit Elliott’s Oyster House on Pier 56 for their amazing chilled cracked crab. Although with the heat, people were ordering them to put on their heads and down their pants.

The plan was for me to fill-in for beloved Mariner broadcaster, Dave Niehaus. For M’s fans that’s like going to see a play and learning that Marlon Brando’s part would be played by the understudy.

I was to do play-by-play for three innings on radio. But on Thursday morning one of their other announcers came down with laryngitis and I wound up doing half the game alone on radio and the other half on TV. This particular telecast was also carried nationwide on Direct TV and worldwide on AFRTS. I hadn’t done a television game in ten years so there was already an arctic breeze blowing up my sphincter. As expected, my first half inning featured a freak play that no one had ever seen including the longest tenured umpire in the history of baseball. It involved four runners, three missed tags, a missed base, three runs, a bad call, an appeal, all hell breaking loose, everyone scrambling for their rule books, and me calling it live. My FIRST half inning! I may be the only announcer to ever go to commercial break saying, “And the score after five – your guess is as good as mine.”

Next night’s game was much better. I did radio only and got a foul ball. It came into the booth, crushed our crowd mic and almost killed our engineer but I got the ball so that’s the important thing.

It is worth a trip to Seattle just to see Safeco Field. It’s an architectural marvel – old time charm, modern amenities, spectacular views of the skyline and mountains, and a retractable roof. Players are begging to be traded to the Mariners instead of from. Traditionalists will enjoy the hot dogs, Crackerjacks, and Shiskaberrys (chocolate covered strawberries on a stick just like Ty Cobb used to eat). All that’s missing are vendors going up the aisles yelling, “Lattes here!! Get your caramel machiatos!”

My wife thinks Safeco Field should be renamed “Coffee Grounds”. City appropriate but I vote for “Niehaus Field” in honor of their great announcer Dave Niehaus. Or simply the “Haus that DaveNie built”.

The musical of YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN has its tryout in Seattle next month. Instead of spending $475 for a ticket to see it on Broadway, take $400, fly roundtrip to Seattle, pay $75 for the same ticket and have a nice weekend in the Pacific Northwest.

See the Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame. They have Captain Kirk’s command chair and ET. It’s like having dinner at Faye Dunaway’s house.

My wife, Debby arrived for the weekend and the temperature went from 100 to 75. This is one of the many reasons why I travel with her.

“The bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle.” Damn, I can’t get that idiotic Perry Como song out of my head!

There’s a local Ford dealer that features the “No dicker, sticker”. Much better was the Minneapolis car dealer who once had the slogan, “Bring your wife so we can dicker”.

Got my daughter, Annie a nice souvenir. She’s into pirates so we got her a t-shirt that says “Seattle”, and shows a skull & crossbones with the caption: “The beatings will continue until morale improves”.

If you ever have to use the bathroom in Seattle, stop by the Icon Grill. In the men’s room there are three TV sets with videos of rushing waters – rivers, waterfalls, floods, dams bursting – accompanied by the “Ride of the Valkyries”. Who needs Flomax? For you ladies there’s an old high school health film warning of the dangers of inappropriate thoughts and evil deeds. Not that your date will be in the mood after going like a racehorse for twenty minutes.

Radio in Seattle has gone to crap since Frasier Crane left the airways.

I didn’t have a car. Was hoping Ichiro would let me use the Chevy Tahoe SUV he had just won as MVP of the All-Star game but he declined, claiming he had no idea who the hell I was. So it just sat there.

Being a Mac guy I felt like I was behind enemy lines. But every store and gallery seemed to have an Apple computer. Bill Gates is not taking this lying down. A kid in Western Washington was hit by lightening listening to his iPod. Let that be a warning to you, Seattle!

Was going to go coho salmon fishing but they wouldn’t let me clean the fish in my hotel room.

Also, didn’t get down to the Tacoma Dome to see “Walking with Dinosaurs” -- a stage show featuring 15 life size dinosaurs (45 feet high, 75 feet long) making its US debut after trampling through Europe. Finally a cast that Robin Williams can’t upstage!

But I did get to Utilikilts in Pioneer Square for some new summer kilts. Yes, they’re expensive but I save a lot of money on underwear.

Also in Pioneer Square, there’s the State Hotel with a neon sign that boasts “Rooms 75 cents”. But check with Expedia, you might get a deal.

The Space Needle has a rotating restaurant on top so tourists may hurl while viewing any of Seattle’s stunning attractions.

The bearded sea captain with Popeye hat look is still in. As are tattooed Joni Mitchells.

Stopped by Pikes Place Market, where the fish fly and the tourists buy. Did not go to the Adult Superstore right across the street. I did that once when I broadcasting fulltime for the Mariners. Was with a friend, just browsing, and as I held up an Ass Master, wondering just what the hell it did, it occurred to me – I’m on television every night. This is probably not a place I should be seen in.

The 520 floating bridge was closed all weekend for annual maintenance. So to get from Seattle to Bellevue you could only take the 90 bridge. A faster alternate route was just to go around the world.

Special thanks to the Mariners, Dave Niehaus, Rick Rizz, Kevin Cremin, Randy Adamack, Chuck Armstrong, Dave Sims, Marcy Waldman, KOMO radio, FSN Northwest, and Adrian Beltre for a great week in the great Northwest.

And okay, yeah, well…the bluest skies I’ve ever seen ARE in Seattle.

Next up: a sample of my baseball play by play.

The romantic comedy I've always wanted to write

As I fly home from Seattle I am reminded of my idea for a romantic comedy screenplay.

You know the old third act convention -- GIRL goes off to the airport to fly away for good, to marry Ralph Bellamy and ruin her life. GUY realizes he loves GIRL and rushes to the airport. Start the clock! He’s driving like a madman. She’s leisurely strolling to her gate. In the time it takes her to walk twenty yards he drives twenty miles but that’s okay, he’s on “Jack Bauer” time. He parks right in front of the terminal. Races in. She’s at the ticket counter with two people in front of her. He’s leaping over people like OJ. Just as she’s about to enter the jetway he arrives. They embrace, declare their undying love. The end.

My movie would start with GUY realizing he loves GIRL and heading off to the airport. She’s looking at the TV monitors trying to figure out which of the many concourses her gate is at.

He is stuck in terrible traffic.

She is wondering where the fuck is K-26 and how come the direction arrows say concourses A,C,G are one way, B,K, H, D another, E still a third and why there’s no F?

He’s now approaching the airport. There’s construction blocking two lanes. This is the weekend they’ve decided to repave the main thoroughfare. And just for fun, they’re backing in a cement mixer so all traffic is held.

GIRL’S flight has been delayed. It says only 15 minutes but how can that be when the plane isn’t even there yet? Could the major airline be lying???

GUY’S car is inspected after waiting at a checkpoint. The Hummer before him with a gun rack got waved right through. He’s asked to open his Kia trunk.

GIRL realizes if she wants to eat anything on the long fight she needs to buy it. So she gets in long line at the CHILI’S TOO take out stand.

He can’t leave his car unoccupied at the terminal. Only people allowed to get really close to the terminal in these terrorist prevention times are cab drivers, none of whom have first names shorter than 38 letters. GUY has to find a space in one of the parking structures. There are none.

The woman in line ahead of GIRL is asking questions about the chicken pesto wrap? Is it white meat? When was it made? The girl at the counter doesn’t speak English.

GUY parks in a handi-cap zone. Fuck it. He races for the terminal. The parking structure elevator is out of order.

GIRL begins her two mile trek to her gate.

GUY can’t get past security unless he has a ticket. He races to the ticket counter.

Oops. Gates K20-26 are in a different concourse than gates K1-25.

To avoid the long line, GUY goes to First Class desk. There are still three people ahead of him. No biggie except there is only one agent serving First Class passengers. The other line moves faster.

GIRL wanders through the maze of concourses.

GUY reaches the ticket agent. Is given flack for being in the first class line. He’ll buy a first class ticket for GIRL’S flight. Sorry. Sold out. There are no more seats on any flight to her destination. He’ll buy a ticket for ANY flight going anywhere. There’s room on the Tokyo red eye. He’ll take it. First Class only. Shit! He waits as she gets approval for his card. It’s denied. He gives her another card.

GIRL reaches her gate. Flight still delayed. Why? One rep says bad weather. Another says equipment problems. Could the major airline be lying???

Now that GUY has spent his grandmother’s inheritance on a flight he doesn’t intend to take he races to security. Another long line. People are practically stripping down to their underwear.

GIRL’S flight finally arrives. They have trouble getting the jetway to the plane. It’ll only be another few minutes. Scheduled time for her flight was ten minutes ago although the airline maintains that time still stands.

Because he’s flying one-way he’s singled out for extensive examination. He has no luggage, which is mighty suspicious. He could be hiding something. What, he wonders, if he has nothing to hide it in?

GIRL stands in long line at ticket counter.

GUY’S car is towed.

GUY is asked a series of questions. The thought here is that terrorists who would think nothing of blowing up a jumbo jet with 200 people aboard would not tell a fib to a TSA agent.

GIRL reaches the ticket agent and learns her seat is double-booked. This is the new airline policy. They fear that businessmen who book reservations cancel thereby leaving empty seats. So the policy is to double book. The solution is not just put people on stand-by for the few vacant seats. No, it’s to inconvenience those people who did dutifully make their reservations and give the airline their money way ahead of time.

Now GUY is trying to figure out where Gate K-26 is.

GIRL and the other passenger assigned to her seat play game of chicken over who will agree to take a later flight. They’re offered a voucher for a free trip anywhere in the US. GIRL knows that there are only a certain number of seats allotted for these vouchers and they’re always full. So the voucher is essentially worthless.

GUY races to her gate.

GIRL is about to step into the jetway.

GUY reaches her gate. He calls to her. She spots him. Tears in her eyes, she almost swoons when she sees him. An alert siren sounds. The terminal is being evacuated. Bomb scare. Mass confusion as everyone tries to leave. Closing music swells as they embrace and are trampled. The end.

Hopefully it’s not too sentimental. But I’m sure Nora Ephron will find just the right balance. Watch for my movie coming to a theatre near you…or maybe as part of some major airline’s in flight entertainment.

ANTICIPATED LOGIC PROBLEMS: Why don't they have cellphones and just call each other or why doesn't GUY follow her later? GUY ran out of the house so fast he forgot his cellphone. Ralph Bellamy had justice of the peace waiting with him at GIRL'S destination to perform the ceremony at the baggage carousel. All these and any logic problems will be deftly explained in the script by one of the many writers the studio gets to rewrite me...and then each other.

Fly carefully!

MASH bloopers

Always a crowd pleaser, here are some MASH bloopers from one of our seasons. We would always produce a gag reel for the wrap party. You can sense from these that the cast had a good time. And they did. MASH was a very happy set... despite the fact that we filmed a new episode every three days. By contrast, an hour show today has a nine day shooting schedule.

So a belated welcome to our sixth season wrap party.

My mother the stripper

Hello from Seattle, home of the weirdest plays in baseball. Here’s what happens next in THE SNOBS. For the set-up, please see yesterday’s post.


INT. LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

KARL AND BEVERLY SIT WITH THE SHAPIROS.

BEVERLY
I guess I got into stripping after my junior year in college. I was told I had the body for it. And all the good summer jobs were taken.

DR. SHAPIRO
(SUDDENLY FULL OF LIFE) So what exactly did you do? Did you have a specific theme or motif?

BEVERLY LOOKS TO KARL.

KARL
Of course she did. You don’t become the “Indiana Stripper of the Year” just by sliding down a pole.

BEVERLY
Now, Karl, don’t brag. (THEN) My motif… well, I was a literature major. So, I’d… ask the customers questions and for every right answer I’d take something off.

DR. SHAPIRO
What kind of questions?

BEVERLY
Well… on stage… a typical question I’d ask the sailors might be: What are the names of the daughter in Balzac’s classic, “Pere Goriot”?

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh, I know that. Delphine and… (SEARCHING) Oh, come on, Evelyn, you know this.

MRS. SHAPIRO
I’m not helping you.

KARL
Wait a minute. I know Balzac, that…

BEVERLY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.

KARL
I’ll get Isabel.

KARL CROSSES UP THE HALL.

At this point Karl must put out several other comic fires.

MOMENTS LATER

BEVERLY’S IMAGINATION IS KICKING IN. SHE’S UP ON HER FEET AND GETTING SWEPT UP INTO TH FANTASY.

BEVERLY
There’s a certain freedom to being up on that stage naked, moving, giving yourself to the moment, to the music, to your body. And knowing that you – that shy little girl from Fort Wayne, Indiana – are driving all of those men absolutely mad. That they can look all they want but they can not touch.

DR. SHAPIRO HAS A GRIN ON HIS FACE THAT STRETCHES ALL THE WAY BACK TO PALO ALTO. MRS. SHAPIRO, ON THE OTHER HAND, DOES NOT.

MRS. SHAPIRO
You know, this is the latest Aaron’s been out in a while. And we’ve got a long drive back.

SHE PULLS HIM TO HIS FEET.

DR. SHAPIRO
Aw, I can sleep when I’m dead.

MRS. SHAPIRO
Aaron…

DR. SHAPIRO
I was just –

KARL ENTERS FROM THE HALL TO HEAR:

MRS. SHAPIRO
(EMPHATIC) Aaron, we’re leaving now!

KARL
What? Wait! No!

KARL RUNS TO THE FRONT DOOR.

MRS. SHAPIRO
Thank you for an interesting evening.

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh, goodnight.

MRS. SHAPIRO EXITS.

KARL
Wait! Don’t leave!

DR. SHAPIRO
Can I say something?

KARL FREEZES.

DR. SHAPIRO
I must admit I had my doubts about whether you were Stanford material. But as the evening unfolded I changed my mind. I’d love to see you and especially your wife at our next pool party.

KARL
Thank you. That means a lot.

DR. SHAPIRO EXITS. KARL TURNS TO BEVERLY.

KARL
We did it! He wants us!

BEVERLY
He wants me.

KARL
Who cares? We’re on our way!

KARL GRABS BEVERLY AND KISSES HER – THE MOST PASSIONATE KISS THEY’VE HAD IN A LONG TIME.

BEVERLY
(IMPRESSED) Oooh, Karl. You haven’t kissed me like that in years.

KARL
(EQUALLY IMPRESSED) And you. You’ve never kissed me like that.

BEVERLY
Well, let’s say this evening was … liberating. Want to go try out the gris-gris bag (Clay’s voodoo gift to improve their sex life)? Clay said put it under the pillow and good things happen.

THEY BEGIN PASSIONATELY KISSING AGAIN, AS THEY CROSS UP THE HALLWAY:

KARL
Clay… He’s a good boy, isn’t he?

FADE OUT.

Checking in on THE SNOBS

Self serving program note: I will be broadcasting tonight's Seattle Mariners game on both radio (KOMO Seattle, XM, and MLB.com) and on television (FSN Northwest). I will do this without the benefit of Eric Brynes and his dog in a kayak outside the stadium in the bay. Wish me luck.

Thanks for the very positive reaction to the scene from our pilot, THE SNOBS that I shared recently. Here’s that post in case you missed or purposely skipped it. So I’m posting more.

Quick refresher: THE SNOBS was a pilot we did a few years ago for Fox. It starred Paget Brewster about a family of snobs that lived in very modest surroundings. Karl is a professor at a community college dying to get hired by Stanford. His very prim wife, Beverly (Paget) is the admissions director of an exclusive private school. In the pilot, Karl has invited over Dr. Shapiro, the dean of history at Stanford (and his ticket out). This is Karl’s chance to impress.

At the same time Karl’s bastard teenage son (the result of a one night fling with a stripper in New Orleans) arrives. Karl ushers him into the kitchen as we pick up the scene:

INT. LIVING ROOM

DR. SHAPIRO
Karl, I have a question. Your curriculum vitae stated only two children.

KARL
Yes, that’s true. Clay is not my child with Beverly.

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh, I see. You were married before.

KARL
Uh no, I wasn’t.

DR. SHAPIRO
Oh… So you had a child out of wedlock?

KARL
(FLUSTERED) Well… no. Of course not. He’s really Beverly’s.

DR. SHAPIRO
(TO BEVERLY) Oh, the boy is your son?

BEVERLY
Uh, yes. Before Karl and I were married, I was involved elsewhere and had Clay. He’s lived with his real dad all these years.

KARL
His father was a senator.

BEVERLY
Now, Karl, don’t brag. Could I see you in the kitchen?

RESET TO:

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

KARL AND BEVERLY ENTER. CLAY IS AT THE TABLE EATING.

BEVERLY
Karl, are you daft?!

SHE SEES CLAY.

BEVERLY
Excuse me can we have a little privacy here for a moment?

CLAY
Oh, sure. By the way, beautiful kitchen. Is somebody in this house gay?

KARL
Why does everyone think that? Just because a man has a flair for the finer things in life, doesn’t automatically make him gay.

CLAY
Oh, this is waaaay more than a flair.

CLAY EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM.

BEVERLY
My God, Karl, what were you thinking? He’s my son?!

CLAY
You heard Shapiro’s tone. I couldn’t admit that Clay was my illegitimate son. How does that look? What does that say about my character?

BEVERLY
What does it say about mine?! I’m the mother who abandoned him!

KARL
Ooooh, wasn’t thinking. Bev, this is Stanford! This is position. This is money. All the things we say we have? We’ll actually have!

BEVERLY
(DISGUSTED) Karl, there are some things money can’t buy. Like someone’s dignity.

KARL
How about a BMW?

BEVERLY
I want the Z-4.

KARL
Done.

THEY BOTH EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

RESET TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

CLAY HAS MADE HIMSELF AT HOME ON THE COUCH WITH THE SHAPIROS AS KARL AND BEVERLY ENTER. THEY HEAR:

CLAY
Oh yeah, my mom used to be a stripper.

THE SHAPIROS LOOK TO BEVERLY.

BEVERLY
Oh God. (SOTTO, TO KARL) Now I’m a stripper?

More tomorrow.

Will Reilly and Silverman save Fox and NBC?

As I wing to Seattle, television critics from around the country are flying to Los Angeles for the annual Television Critics Association convention. For the next couple of weeks they will be subjected to endless press conferences from networks and creative teams hyping their new shows. By the time they get to the CW they should all be ready to hang themselves.

Not that it’s a bed of roses for the creative teams, sitting on the stage facing a room full of world-weary TV reporters who just spent an hour hearing how CAVEMAN will be the new savior of comedy.

Usually there are one or two themes that emerge each year. Last year it was Katie Couric and STUDIO 60. It’s always grins & giggles to predict what the themes will be.

My guess is Kevin Reilly and Ben Silverman will be the two hot topics this spin-fest.

Why did Kevin get fired from NBC? Is he bitter? Does he still believe in STUDIO 60? How much money is he making? Is Jeff Zucker really the Hannibal Lector of television? What does Kevin plan to do at Fox? Reunited with FX alum, Peter Ligouri does this mean more shows like THE SHIELD and reruns of SPIN CITY four times a day? Might STUDIO 60 now appear on Fox? Is it okay to pet on the first date? Would he have renewed PRISON BREAK? Is it true fifteen bloggers knew about his firing before he did? And one of them was a quilt club in Sweden? Can we expect more great fare like THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE and GREASE: YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT from Kev? Is Jeff Zucker’s template for work conditions “Hostel”? Is Kevin trying to get Aaron Sorkin to take over TIL’ DEATH? Taking HEROES off the air for two months and killing NBC’s only breakout hit – was that his idea or Zucker’s? AMERICAN IDOL is slipping. How does Kevin plan to fix it? The World Series numbers are down. How does Kevin plan on fixing baseball? What was the name of the guy he replaced at Fox again?

And from Ben Silverman (right), they’ll want to know: Is he really the next Brandon Tartikoff (left)? What will he do differently from Kevin? Has he read Brandon Tartikoff’s book? When Ben says he’s going to “sexy up” NBC, does that mean LAW & ORDER: SORORITY CRACKDOWN? Had he ever met Brandon Tartikoff? Will he buy any show that wasn’t a hit first in Argentina or Norway? Does he know people who knew Brandon Tartikoff? Is it a conflict-of-interest to program against UGLY BETTY? What would Brandon Tartikoff program against UGLY BETTY? How much money is he making? Is he getting Brandon Tartikoff’s parking space? Can we expect him to reinvent network television by the February sweeps? Can he name Brandon Tartikoff’s kids? Is the one thing that can save sitcoms product placement? Does he have the same shirt size as Brandon Tartikoff? How much did Trump pay him to renew THE APPRENTICE? If he doesn’t know who Brandon Tartikoff is does he at least know who Warren Littlefield is?

Answers to all these questions will appear in your local morning papers along with in-depth interviews with the models from DEAL OR NO DEAL.

Beisball been veddy good to me*

*an old SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reference. Garrett Morris as Chico Escuela, former ballplayer and... you had to be there I guess.

Baseball is in the air. The All-Star game is Tuesday. Home field advantage for the winning league hangs in the balance although no one gives a shit, especially the players. The Giants, hosting the mid-summer classic, had to stage a big campaign to get the fans to vote for Barry Bonds. He’s soon to be the all-time home run champion and hometown fans still had to be persuaded to vote for him.

And then tomorrow I fly up to Seattle to announce for the Mariners Thursday and Friday nights. (New posts will continue. I understand they have the internet in Seattle.)

So I thought this would be a good day for a humorous baseball related post.

I learned how to announce play by play by sitting in the top deck of Dodger Stadium, up there with the drunks, the skinheads, Cub Scout troops, escaped convicts, booster clubs, Freddie Kruger, and the guy with the pinwheel hat. The players were ants. I'd be saying, "He's really got that palm ball working tonight" and couldn't even see the ball. You’d think that would be my worst broadcasting vantage point. But it wasn’t. Some of the actual press box facilities when I was a legitimate working announcer were worse.

During one spring training with the Mariners we played the Angels, who at the time were still in Palm Springs. Since they were also televising that game there was no room in the actual press box for visiting radio (us). So they set up a long table in the stands and that’s where we did the game. I’m on the air to a thirty-station radio network, sitting on the aisle, and calling a very exciting inning. Hits and double steals and rundowns. Forget that I can’t see them because the six LaKishas in front of me stand up, but as I’m calling a triple I feel a tap on my shoulder. I glance over to see a vendor with a two beers. He wants me to pass them down the row. I do, continue to call the play, and then feel a tapping on my other shoulder. I’m to pass the money along. I do, keep announcing, another tap, I have to send along the change. This was the big leagues!

When I was in the minors we played the Denver Zephyrs in Mile High Stadium (capacity 70,000, typical Zephyrs attendance: 2,000. The place was EMPTY). There was no baseball press box per se but they set us up in one of the luxury boxes. Behind us were four rows of seats…THAT THEY SOLD. We’d be calling the game and people would tell us to shut up, we were annoying them. Or they would shout and cheer loud enough to be heard on our broadcast. “Thompson, you fucking pussy! Throw a fucking strike, you piece of shit!” (If anyone actually listened to our broadcasts I just know they would have complained.)

At old Sec Taylor Stadium in Des Moines they had a huge civil defense speaker and would sound a siren half the county could hear anytime one of the Des Moines Cubs hit a home run. The speaker was right next to our booth. The first time it happened it almost blew me out of the booth. After a three game series in Des Moines, considering our pitching staff, I couldn’t hear for a week.

When I was with the Orioles we played two exhibition games at Joe Robbie Stadium (or Dolphin Stadium, whatever they call it now. It’s the “other” one besides the Orange Bowl.) This was before the Marlins (who now draw worse than the Zephyrs did), there was no baseball press box so they just put us in the football press box, a thousand miles from home plate way down the right field line. Every ball hit looked like it was going to right. You had to take your cue from the fielders. But you could be fooled. “There’s a fly ball to center field…foul.”

Later that same spring, we played two exhibition games against Boston at RFK Stadium in Washington, D.C. Same story. No baseball press box. Just a luxury box. In this case, one box for both our broadcast and the Red Sox, separated only by a flimsy riser. I could hear Boston announcer, Bob Starr as loud as I could hear myself. And so could the Baltimore listeners. All I could do was have fun with it. I’d say, “And now for the 1-1 pitch, here’s Bob Starr” then point the mic to him in time for my listeners to hear “low, ball two.” Then I decided to mess with Bob (who was a GREAT guy by the way and a good friend). Every time he called a pitch a fast ball I called it a curve. Every time he called a slider I called it a change up. Listeners don’t believe announcers can accurately call pitches anyway. This just confirmed it. I would pull these little pranks to amuse myself, and the Orioles listeners. Is it any wonder I only lasted a year there?

I feel it’s only fair to also mention the best press box I ever worked in. That would be the broadcast booth in old Tiger Stadium. It hung suspended over home plate, high enough to see the entire field, but low enough that you could actually hear players and umpires. Sure, four announcers a year were killed by foul balls but it was a small price to pay. Jon Miller of ESPN told me the first year he did games in Tiger Stadium, Oakland player, Gene Tenace fouled a pitch off his foot and was hobbling around the home plate area trying to walk it off. Jon said on the air, “Tenace is still in a lot of pain, “ and Gene looks up at the booth and yells out “Brilliant fucking deduction!”

Now that’s close!

Talk to you tomorrow from Seattle.

How many of you contestants are from out of town?

The life of an aspiring stand up comedian is a grueling one. Years of knocking around, working crappy comedy clubs, first on open mic nights before eight drunks, then being banished to “the road”. Playing towns where you’re the first Jew they’ve ever seen, waiters talking and serving during your set, hecklers, hecklers who are funnier than you, “half price beer and weapons welcome” night, retirement homes where it’s hard to hear over the oxygen tanks, endless meals at Shoneys, all for little or no pay. It’s a tremendous sacrifice with absolutely no guarantees. But if you’re good, REALLY good, and you pay your dues, catch a few breaks then maybe – just MAYBE you could grab the brass ring –

…and become the next Wink Martindale.

It seems that the new pot of gold at the end of stand-up rainbows is hosting game shows. Howie Mandel, Bob Saget, Louie Anderson, Elayne Boosler, Jeff Foxworthy, and now Drew Carey are leading contestants through bonus rounds. This is bad news for TV weathermen, disc jockeys, and Regis Philbin. Its yet another reason why we need to revive sitcoms because they’re a much better showcase for comics’ talents. Somehow I think the brilliance of Roseanne would have been lost had we known her merely as the host of THE WEAKEST LINK.

And now the TONIGHT SHOW of game shows is open – THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Rosie O’Donnell has already been contacted but turned it down (didn’t want to move to LA and be farther away from Donald Trump). I’m sure Gallagher has been calling them daily. (“How much is this smashed watermelon?”)

I’m only sorry Sam Kinison isn’t still alive. Couldn’t you just see it?

“No, you stupid bitch! $135.95 for a Hamilton Beach 4-slice toaster? Do you live in a FUCKING CAVE?! It’s $42.99. It’s a fucking toaster! It cooks up bread. How much do you pay for things? That shitty T-Shirt you’re wearing on NATIONAL TELEVISION, how much did you pay for that? $4000?! Jesus, even the dumb motherfucker next to you was only off by ten bucks and he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!”

Wait a minute. Does anybody have Lewis Black’s number?

The bottom line: if you’re a young comic coming up, don’t worry about your material, just memorize the rules for the wet T-shirt contest and never miss a chance to emcee karaoke night.

The scene that ruined VOLUNTEERS

Here's the scene that ruined the movie David and I wrote, VOLUNTEERS. Tom Hanks stars as a preppy who ducks a gambling debt by joining the Peace Corps in Thailand. We established a character (Lucille) whose English was so bad we needed subtitles. In this scene, played pretty much as written, the director made one change. He had the characters break the fourth wall and read the subtitles.

We argued that it destroyed the reality of the film. There was now no jeopardy. It became a Hope-Crosby Road Picture where the fish could talk. The director argued that it got a big laugh. Why would we want to remove a big laugh? The answer is that it destroys the movie.



Oh, and her make-up was pretty ridiculous. But that we could live with.

The lesson here is never sacrifice the integrity of your piece for the sake of a joke, no matter how funny the joke is.

Billy Wilder used to say, "Why do they remake good movies? They should remake okay movies and make them better." John Krasinski as Lawrence Bourne anyone???

Sam & Diane

After we filmed the first few episodes of CHEERS, director Jim Burrows came into the writing room and said, "Guys, our money is Sam and Diane. We've got to feature their relationship in every show. Even if the story is about something else, find a way to bring it back to those two." He was right of course. Here are a few Sam & Diane moments from the first season. Coincidentally, these are from episodes that my partner David and I wrote.

Whodaguy Hawaii is on the air

7-7-7 is the cosmic good luck premiere of WHODAGUY HAWAII, the internet radio station for anyone who loves the music, heritage, culture, and soul of the most glorious spot on earth. No less than former Vice President, Day Quayle has said, ““Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a -it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.”

Hosted by radio legend, Ron Jacobs, WHODAGUY HAWAII transports you to the islands. It's a Hawaiian vacation for your ears. Check it out.

And while you’re listening, here’s something to read: One of my family travelogues from 2005, when I began this blog. I hope Ron has as much luck and fun with his internet endeavor.

Aloha and mahalo.

Home from Hawaii where even bad news is delivered by newscasters in Aloha shirts. It was a fabulous trip with the usual Levine family foibles.

NEVER take Hawaiian Airlines. In a world a lackadaisical don’t-give-a-shit airline employees Hawaiian is the gold standard. It’s bad enough our luggage didn’t arrive with the flight. Neither did the bags for half the passengers. And this was true of EVERY Hawaiian flight. Seems they sort of put on the bags they want and hold back others. Or put bags on earlier flights and just leave them in the terminal as sort of a fun scavenger hunt. Their motto should be: “Striving to be America West”.

We went back to the Grand Wailea on Maui – picture a combination of the Bellagio and Disney’s Blizzard Beach Water Slide Park.

We have a “Mountain view” room and by “Mountain” they mean the Four Seasons next door. I can now tell you which Endeavor agents sleep late.

Quickly unpacked, leaving a drawer empty for all the coffee packets, soap, conditioners, shampoos, and pens we planned to steal. No sewing kits this year. Those bastards!!

Went to sleep after a long travel day only to discover our room is only two floors right above the Tsunami night club. Is it just me or should they consider a name change? I’d change rooms but where else am I going to hear pidgin hip hop…as it was meant to be heard -- through the floor?

Annie’s was very excited about the GAP Winter Sale. Needless to say there wasn’t a single heavy coat, ski sweater, or scarf they were out of at the Wailea GAP.

Second day there I saw a schmuck wearing a CAA T-shirt. It flashed me back to years ago at the Kahala Hilton when I saw someone else wearing one of those. Remember as a kid you would put a comic book inside a real book so the teacher thought you were reading something worthwhile? In this case, sitting around the pool, this CAA tool was reading a book hidden inside a SCRIPT.

Went to make massage reservations at the spa. Was told they were having a “big promotion”. If you use this brand of massage oil they were hawking that smells like cinnamon and vanilla you get a whole $5.00 off their $155 massage. You’d be an IDIOT not to take advantage of that deal!

I don’t think the University of Nevada (Reno) will be asked back to the Hawaiian Bowl anytime soon. This annual football classic held Christmas Eve at Aloha Stadium (capacity: 50,000) and televised nationally on ESPN is a great source of pride to the islands. Three days before the game here’s how many tickets the University of Nevada (Reno) has purchased: 75.

We wanted to drive around the island but knew that LOST star Michelle Rodriquez (pictured left) was still on the road. 108 is not just the sum total of the “numbers”, it’s her average speed.

How do they make dippindots?

Annie received a fortune that said seek professional help.

One thing I miss: dogs. There is a long quarantine for pets coming over to Hawaii. Concern for the citizens. I say let Fluffy in and keep Michelle Rodriguez locked up for six months.

My neighbor from across the street is here. It’s the only time I’ve seen her in two years.

Went to Spago’s at the Four Season with writer friends Howard & Karen. We let the kids fend for themselves. A half hour into dinner I get a call from Annie. “Hey, Dad, turn around. Look to your left.” My first thought was “what the fuck are they doing at Spago? This is going to cost me a fortune!” My second thought was “where are they?” I told Annie I didn’t see them. She said, “more to your left. We’re waving.” I still couldn’t see them. Now I’m panicking. Jesus, am I going blind? This went on for two more minutes. Finally she said, “We’re at Longhi’s, have a nice dinner”, they laughed and hung up. I love my children but they’re evil.

Went to a new restaurant called “The Place”. It was a twenty-five minute drive (four for Michelle Rodriguez). The bartender and chef are from the Four Seasons’ Spago. So are the pizza recipes. And it’s right next to the Aquarium so you know the fresh fish is FRESH.

Cabana prices have gone up to $200 a day. The most expensive shade in Hawaii. And you can make reservations a year in advance. For only $100 you can reserve cloud cover.

My wife and daughter decided to skip the bike ride to the bottom of the volcano. Instead they went to Costco.

Hard to swim laps in the “adult pool” when there are people standing in the middle of it reading paperbacks. At least they weren’t reading scripts.

Preferred reading material this year: Debby’s shirt. She has a T-shirt filled with stupid quotes our buffoon of a President actually said. Some favorites:

“People say: ‘How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?’ You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in’s house and say – ‘I love you’.

“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”

“We ought to make the pie higher”. “History?…we don’t know. We’ll all be dead.”

“One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”

“I’m the master of low expectations”.

And finally….”They misunderestimated me”.

A tourist was bitten by a shark 200 yards from our beach. So all beaches along the immediate coast were closed for a day…except the one that fronts the Four Seasons. Guess they figured with all the Hollywood agents there no shark would ever attack – professional courtesy.

Got in an elevator as a woman was pushing the button. She wore a baseball cap with an “L” on it. I asked what the L stood for and she said “lobby”. Do I really look THAT stupid??

The Aloha Spirit continues: at every Hawaiian airport in addition to the usual TSA inspections (take off your shoes, belt, pull out your computer, remove your pacemaker) they also feature two additional agriculture inspections (one for check-in luggage and one more at the gate for carry on). God forbid a papaya gets into the United States. The terrorists win.

And yes, we saw Santa Claus this year. This time in a golf cart tooling around the Maui airport tarmac. So that’s where he gets all his toys and goodies – from all the Hawaiian Airlines luggage that never arrives to you.

One of my favorite scenes

Here's another one of my favorite all-time scenes from a sitcom. From the PHIL SILVERS SHOW, co-written by Nat Hiken, this is the Court-Martial of Harry Speakup -- the famous trial scene where Bilko (Silvers) defends a monkey. At one point you'll see the monkey go to the phone. Silvers then ad libs a great line.



THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW is out on DVD. I can't recommend it enough.

Broadway robbery

$450 for one ticket to a Broadway show? Are you kidding me??

When Mel Brooks’ new musical adaptation of YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN hits the Great White Way in November that’s what the top tix will cost. For a musical that hasn’t even opened yet. They’re charging outrageous prices on the assumption that this show (which has yet to go before a single audience) will be a smash rivaling or eclipsing THE PRODUCERS. Yeah, like it’s so easy to just knock one of those out.

Unless Barbra Streisand is playing Frau Blucher and the kids from SPRING AWAKENING appear and have real sex with YOU on stage, $450 seems excessive.

For a date night at the theater, two people, dinner beforehand, parking in Manhattan -- $1300. Maybe $1400 depending on what they charge for Junior Mints in the lobby.

I understand that it’s getting more expensive to mount these musicals. I shudder to think when Disney gets around to adapting THE LITTLE MERMAID and the entire audience is underwater. It’s a risky business, hard for investors to get their money back, yada yada, so theatergoers have to shell out three figures to see Jerry Mathers??

At what point does it become sheer greed? And at what point does the general audience, the tourists, the “bridge and tunnel” crowd, the eight people who watch the Tonys say, “Fuck it. I’ll go the Bahamas instead.” I think that time is now.

Producers claim scalpers get those big prices. Oh yeah? How many did they sell when Brad Oscar starred in THE PRODUCERS instead of Nathan Lane?

Sure, these high prices are just for the “VIP” seats but that means what, the rest of us have to sit way way back in the orchestra or up above the timber line? And if it's just a few seats, is it really worth the bad PR for the extra couple grand per performance?

I love Broadway. I want to see it prosper. You may think I'm bitter because they're turning every old movie into a musical except VOLUNTEERS but it's not that (entirely). I want to see Broadway give people a reason to go, not 450 reasons to stay away.

July 4th leftovers

Many thanks to the Seattle Mariners for inviting me to pinch hit for a couple of games next week on their broadcast. I’ll be joining the radio crew next Thursday and Friday nights as the mighty M’s take on the Motor City Marauders (Detroit Tigers). If you’re so inclined you can hear the games in Seattle on KOMO 1000, the Mariners radio network, XM satellite, or MLB.COM. I did play-by-play for the Mariners for three years in the 90’s and it was the highlight of my checkered broadcasting career. So I’m very excited. I’m already practicing.

“Low. Ball two.”

Good news, ladies! Salmon Rushdie is available again!! His three-year marriage with TV’s TOP CHEF host Padma Lakshmi is over. (“Oh, come to me my little Padma.”) Now comes the speculation as to why. It was his fourth so perhaps that could be a clue. He was recently knighted and you know how knighthood always causes a strain on a marriage. He’s 60 and she’s 36 but I’m sure that had no bearing. Professional envy? They’re both authors. He wrote THE SATANIC VERSES and she wrote EASY EXOTIC: A MODEL’S LOW FAT RECIPES FROM AROUND THE WORLD. Her book is selling more. Could it be that Mirthala Salinas broke up that happy couple too?

Mirthala Salinas is an on-air TV reporter for Telemundo. Earlier this week it was revealed she is also the mistress of Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (think Aceveda from THE SHIELD without pockmarks). There is some outcry that a reporter should not be covering a politician she’s sleeping with but no less than hizzoner himself calls her a “consummate journalistic professional.” My favorite part of the story is that a neighbor spotted Villaraigosa entering Salinas’ condo complex with take-out food and a bottle of wine. Why did the neighbor assume it was Salinas he was there to see in the 15-unit complex? “Because everyone else was older and Jewish,” she said. “I knew he was not going to visit an elderly Jewish woman with wine and food. “

“High. Ball three.”

Note to Phil Spector: GET A NEW LAWYER. His lead attorney Bruce Cutler will be missing some trial dates to film his new courtroom TV show, JURY DUTY. There will be some celebrity jurors on the show, including Phyllis Diller. Why bother writing satire when actual stories like this exist?

Alex Rodriguez's wife took in a game recently at Yankee Stadium. Class-ee shirt. FUCK YOU Real Yankee pride there. John Sterling, the Yankee announcer calls Rodriguez home runs A-Bombs. His wife wore an F-Bomb.

My favorite 4th of July tradition: the annual TWILIGHT ZONE MARATHON.

“Fouled away.”

EVAN ALMIGHTY, the first real bomb of the summer, stems from two different screenplays and the director-assigned writer. Both scripts were from teams. Originally all five writers shared story credit. One of the teams appealed the arbitration, claiming they deserved screenplay credit as well. Upon re-examining the material the team not only lost that bid but also lost their story credit. They’ve got a call in to President Bush to overturn the decision.

“Swung on and missed, strike three. Wait a minute, did he foul tip it? He’s going to first? Was he hit by the pitch? What’s going on here??”

I’ll be ready by next Thursday. I will. Honest.

Happy July 4th!

Why the hell do people buy home fireworks?

How many fingers and eyebrows do they have to lose? How many trailer parks have to burn down before they learn?

What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 inch “strike force missile”? Or a “Mad Dog”, “Bazooka Bear”, “Titanium Cracker”, “Dragon’s Wrath”, “Big Mama Jama”, “Brutal Force”,“Nuke Power”, “Pull String Grenade”, “Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”, “Caliber Blast”, “Car Bomb”, “Big Earthquake”, “Jumboshell Fountain”, “Pyrogyro”, “Cracker Jack in a Box”, “Deadly Fire”, “Battle of New Orleans”, “Pay Back”, “Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?), “Air Raid”, or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?

Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.

Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshall is someone more impressive than Bob Sagett.

Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. And celebrate the greatness that was America – 1776 to October 2000.

Where Hollywood is going this summer vacation

Since the 4th of July falls on a Wednesday and it’s hard to determine which side of it to take the long holiday weekend Hollywood just takes the entire week. And since summer vacation is coming up it seems silly to go to the office for just a few days so, bottom line – the entertainment industry is shut down until after Labor Day.

So where do they go? Well, there’s always the usual suspects. The Four Seasons Maui and the Big Island of Hawaii. Jackson Hole, Wyoming for those who look good in jeans. The south of France, Tuscany, and Cape Cod but only if you can rent a house that’s at least a hundred years old and is wired for broadband. The Hamptons, once a mainstay is now iffy. Spielberg has yet to decide whether it’s hip this year. He hopes to have an answer by the 15th. But a number of agents and producers have homes rented in Maine as well, just in case.

African safaris are becoming passé. Someone found out about the San Diego Zoo. And Africa in general is losing its luster due to the Pitts. Lake Cuomo in Italy is by Clooney-invitation-only. India is so 60s. Santa Fe is no fun now that Julia Roberts has screaming kids running around. And Cancun is jejune.

But this year there’s a new hot sexy destination. Uruguay. Everyone’s got to check out Uruguay, man! It’s soooo awesome! Fabulous unspoiled beaches (for now), all that uh, Uruguayan cuisine (steaks), and only takes 20 hours to get to (it’s at the very bottom of South America).

If you're reading this and you live in Uruguay, quick, buy cabanas. You can then rent them for $300 a day.

How did Uruguay become so hot? My guess is Brian Grazer made a wrong turn in Brazil.

But you heard it here first. Uruguay. In two years Barry Diller and Brad Grey will have homes there. And in three there will be a film festival. So head down there, join the A-listers. You’ll come back with great stories, a golden tan, and an adopted child.

No, I don't have an iPhone

I’ve been asked to leave Los Angeles. The iPhone has been out for over three days now and I don’t have one yet. In this town that’s unacceptable.

Okay, I didn’t get one Friday when they came out. All of the CAA agents made their assistants sleep out in front of Apple stores for four days to secure the first shipment. That’s understandable.

But by Saturday afternoon I was starting to get the threatening calls. Did I not understand WHY I had to have an iPhone? Did I really think I could exist in the world without visual voicemail, the ability to activate my itunes, or with no touchscreen capability? How was I going to browse the web while driving? If I wanted to live in the stone age, fine, but not in SoCali.

I pleaded: My Sony Ericsson allows me to text message, take photos, download ringtones, play games, set alarms, IM, organize my calendar, and make phone calls. “Sony Ericsson?!” they scoffed. They hung up and two hours later my pet was missing.

I called the police to complain. They asked what I was calling on. When I told them they sent over a black-and-white and took me downtown for questioning. Did I not understand the iPhone allowed me to activate and sync video? I said I was allowed one phone call and they said, “Not on a Sony Erickson you aren't.”

On Sunday I went to the local park pool for a dip. All of the mothers became hysterical and yanked their kids out of the pool. I heard one yell, “We value keyboard video in this neighborhood!”

The pressure continued. On Sunday night someone burned an apple in my lawn.

Someday I’ll get an iPhone. I’m sure the price will go down, more keen features will be added, and I’ll again be able to rejoin civilized society. I just have to time it right. I don’t want to get thrown out of Cleveland either.

Okay I'm weird but everyone is weird

I've been tagged. Challenged to list five of my weird habits. The real challenge is to hold it down to five.

1) In a restaurant, theatre, or any public place I can’t be seated anywhere near a child. This made it very difficult when I had my own small children. It’s not that I don’t love kids. I just love them more when they’re locked away in your home.

2) I don’t like anyone looking over my shoulder when I’m writing, be it a script, email, or love letters to Jessica Alba or Sandy Koufax.

3) I listen to 60’s music when I write. And this includes radio station jingles from the era and Joanie Sommers Pepsi commercials. I love Joanie Sommers.

4) I can’t watch an old black and white movie from the 30’s or 40’s without thinking “everyone I’m looking at is dead”. Not that this spoils my enjoyment.

5) I go through breakfast phases. I eat the same thing every day for a couple of years and then switch. Currently it’s macadamia nuts and raisins. If I ever switch to Lucky Charms get “old Betsy” off the wall and shoot me.

6) I have no blood so I always dress warm. Stop making fun of Cosby for wearing those sweaters. They look cool.

7) I'm afraid if I install any computer program I'm going to hit the wrong button and crash every computer on the planet. I call this Y2Ken.

8) As a former disc jockey, I still talk-up records in my car. Right up to the vocal. I’m a master at this. It’s maybe my greatest skill…which is unfortunate since it’s also utterly useless. KHJ Boss Radio is not coming back anytime soon.

9) I try to read “Confederacy of Dunces” once a year for inspiration.

10) I watch HOUSE and believe I have whatever mystery ailment the patient of the week has. My wife then assures me that bleeding out of my eyes is normal, just drink a glass of water.

Okay, so what are some of yours?