I keep thinking of "one more thing" to add on this Conan mess

So here's a bunch of "one more" things.

For all of Jay's nice guy image, remember this is the same guy who scabbed during the Writers' Strike and never gave breaks to new comics. Johnny always did. That's how comedians like, uh... Jay Leno were discovered.

Thanks to one of my commenters for the inside story on Conan's rally. Apparently Conan was out there shaking hands and buying pizzas. Glad to hear it. He's a class guy and that's what I would have expected. After all, he was a fellow SIMPSONS writer. But how stupid to not show that during the piece?

NBC was stupid on so many levels for asking Jay to step down in five years. The end result aside, why risk pissing off your TONIGHT SHOW host who was number one? Jay happened to be gracious (which was yet another blunder) but what if he wasn't? You really want a guy on the air unhappy for FIVE long years? Believe me, a pissed talk show host can make enough noise that eventually you yank him off the air. Then you've lost your number one guy long before you had to. And Jay goes across the street and beats the shit out of whoever you replace him with.

I had Joe Flint from the LA TIMES on my KABC radio show last night and he brought out a great point. All of Jeff Zucker's decisions are geared towards the "quick fix". Why develop new shows when you can just "Supersize" the ones you have? Why make a hard choice on who to keep -- Leno or Conan -- when you can just throw them both on the air? Let the chips and ratings fall where they may.

On Charlie Rose Mr. Zucker said it was up to the leader to make bold decisions and if they don't work to have the courage to reverse them. Uh, the decision was made because your affiliates were about to revolt and the merger with Comcast still wasn't complete. Not because of your strong leadership ability. That's like when ballplayers admit to steroid use and say they just needed to "come clean". Bullshit! They didn't come clean. They were caught. Big difference.

And if the leader makes a monumental mistake shouldn't he take the fall? Boston Red Sox manager Grady Little was fired for leaving a hall-of-fame pitcher in a game one batter too long.

The question I keep asking is: did the 10:00 show fail because it's just a bad idea or might it have worked (at least a little better) if someone else hosted it? What if THE DAILY SHOW and COLBERT REPORT were in that slot? I'm sure the ratings wouldn't be great but they'd be better than Leno's and both shows are hip. NBC would draw a much younger audience. Maybe shows like THE OFFICE and 30 ROCK would finally get the decent numbers they deserve.

Another big question: Just where does Conan go? FOX is not a slam-dunk. Their affiliates do not want to give up an hour. It would take a lot of arm twisting. Might be done but it won't be easy. ABC has said they're happy with NIGHTLINE and Kimmell, and CBS obviously has no need. That leaves cable. HBO is not going to do a nightly show. Weekly, sure but not every night. Basic cable: he could follow Stewart and Colbert on COMEDY CENTRAL but that puts him at midnight again. If he wanted to go on at midnight he could have just stayed at NBC with ten times the audience. And networks like USA and BRAVO are owned by -- guess who -- NBC. So that's not to going to happen. Is there a syndicated deal out there? I'm sure Conan will back but maybe in a different format.

And finally, I take no relish in all of this. I spent most of my career working for NBC (between CHEERS, WINGS, and FRASIER). NBC stood for class (and the A-TEAM was entertaining). I was proud as a you-know-what to be associated with them. It breaks my heart to see what has become of such a once-stellar broadcasting network.

Okay. I'll stop. Wait... one more thing. I'm on 790 KABC again tonight from 6:30-10 Pacific. If you can't access it through their website you can go to itunes radio -- news, talk, scroll down and you'll find KABC. Or you can just go on about your life.

Now I'll stop.

The Leno-Conan soap opera continues

So it’s pretty much official. Conan O’Brien departs the TONIGHT SHOW Friday night after seven months. Wow. Jerry Lester and Dagmar lasted longer in that seat. Some more thoughts on this whole debacle.

Jeff Zucker went on Charlie Rose and portrayed himself as the victim in this media brouhaha. Isn’t that kind of like the Menendez Brothers pleading for leniency for killing their parents by saying they’re now orphans? Zucker claims he’s received death threats. I don’t doubt that but really people, isn’t that where we cross the line? The man juggled his primetime and latenight line-ups, he didn’t cause the collapse of the economy or democracy.

A couple of days ago Conan supporters held a rally for him at Universal. He showed it on the program Monday. A few hundred people getting drenched in protest. Conan thanked them and called it “sweet”. “Sweet”? I don’t know why anyone is dumb enough to stand in the rain to show support of a television show but the least Conan could have done is gone out there and shook each and every one of their hands. And maybe given out autographed pictures of the masturbating bear.

Jay went on his show Monday night and addressed the issue, attempting a little damage control. His good guy image has been somewhat tarnished by millions of viewers now thinking he’s a backstabber and Indian giver. He claims NBC came to him recently, said the primetime show wasn’t working, and proposed he go back to 11:30 while Conan moves back to midnight. And Jay was assured that Conan was okay with this. What? A mis-calculation by the network? Is that possible? So he’s the victim.

Let’s review. Zucker is the victim. Jay is the victim. Conan is the victim. Who isn’t the victim?

Charlie Rose.

Nikki Finke will be my guest tonight...

...on Talkradio 790 KABC as I fill in for John Phillips. I’m on right now. You can hear it here.

Nikki will be a guest along with Joe Flint who covers the entertainment industry for the LA TIMES and national movie reviewer, Leonard Maltin.

Among the topics I plan to get to tonight:

The Conan-Leno debacle
Jeff Zucker’s death threats
Haiti relief efforts
The Golden Globes
Saving BETTER OF TED
Accepting awards
What's new for midseason
The state of TV comedy
The L.A. rains
AMERICAN IDOL losing Simon
A Hollywood theme park in Korea (I wonder if there will be a MASH ride?)
Seeing out of only one eye
Oscar predictions

God knows what I’ll be talking about the second hour. And worse yet, tomorrow night when I fill in again. Anyway, I'm on right now until 10:00 p.s.t. on Talkradio 790 KABC.

How to hit on Margaret Colin

Guys, how’s this for a sure fire pick-up line?

Margaret Colin is a fine actress. You’ve seen her on many things I’m sure. Recently she had a recurring role on GOSSIP GIRL. She’s been in INDEPENDENCE DAY, THREE MEN AND A BABY, and SOMETHING WILD among other features. In the late 80s and early 90s she was very hot in television. She starred in such series as FOLEY SQUARE, LEG WORK, SIBS, and CHICAGO HOPE. Recently she was on LAW & ORDER (although that doesn't mean anything. Every New York actor is in LAW & ORDER.)

Her first series was FOLEY SQUARE, a comedy that aired on CBS in 1985 right after THE MARY SHOW, which was our series (and could have easily been entitled FOLLY SQUARE). Neither show fared well and by early ’86 they were both cancelled.

Flash forward a few months. I’m on vacation at the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara. Hanging out at the pool. And I see Margaret Colin. Actually, every guy saw Margaret Colin. On a scale of 1-10 she was a 52.

At one point we’re both in the pool. I swim up to her and with a panache that the Fonz himself would approve of, say, “Hi there. Y’know, you and I have something in common.” She rolls her eyes. Another schmuck. “What?” she asks warily.

I said, “You and I both killed Wednesday night for CBS”.

She was not expecting that. She laughed, I explained who I was and we had a nice chat bitching about the network.

A few years later she starred in SIBS for ABC and I did punch-up for that series. She told me that was the greatest pick-up line she had ever heard (and I’m sure she’s heard many).

So fellas, as a public service I offer the line to you. Best of luck with it. Let me know how it goes.

Khloe Kardashian was home schooled??

Rainy days and Mondays always get me thinking.

Some of our local movie theaters fill the pre-show time with slides of ads and filler like “Fun Facts”. Here’s one seen this weekend: Khloe Kardashian was home schooled. She graduated with honors. Don't ya love it? The only thing better would have been “Khloe Kardashian was home schooled. She finished second in her class.”

The Golden Globes are always held at the Beverly Hilton hotel, about a mile from my house. A few years ago, before smart phones and internet cards, the hotel would stick it to all the journalists, charging hundreds of dollars for internet access. I charged only $50 for access to my Wifi. But that included space on our kitchen table.

It’s pouring here in Los Angeles. Whenever there’s four drops of rain all the local TV stations snap to attention and begin “Storm Coverage 2010”. Full team coverage of hot looking Asian reporters in slickers getting soaked reporting the obvious from various Southern California locations. “It’s really coming down here in Woodland Hills! Now to Suzie Suh in Orange.” “It’s really coming down here in Orange!” I love the rainy season.

By the way, Channel 2 has a reporter named Amelia Earhart. She looks great for 113 years old, don’t you think? The fact that she's been missing for so long says something about Channel 2's News ratings.

For the first time the Golden Globes were televised live in Los Angeles. I always found it ironic that they would tape delay the show to the only city that gives a shit. I wonder if in this new age of Tweets and status updates and live blogging that networks can no longer get away with tape delaying. We’ll see when it’s time for the SAG awards.

In Jennifer Love Hewitt’s new dating book (a joke in itself) one of her tips is to glue shiny things on your vagina. It’s true! I know a lot of guys complain they can’t read down there. There’s a whole chapter on this.

Well, gotta go. Sharon Tay is live from Fullerton where it appears to be raining.

Some holiday recommendations

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day everybody!!!!

From time to time I like to make recommendations. I get no kick-backs, happy endings, or any money from these endorsements. But if the subject matter interests you I think they're worth your consideration.I just finished a hilarious book called L.A. NUTS by Joe Dungan. It's a series of extremely funny essays about living in Los Angeles. Every page is filled with colorful characters and wry observations. You'll be laughing and taking notes on just who and what to avoid. Check it out here.

Here are a couple of internet radio stations I love. When I write usually I have one of them playing so if the posts are lame blame one of them.
GREAT BIG RADIO features nothing but kick-ass rock tunes from the 70's-90's along with an irreverent announcer. And from time to time they do special features. Recently they highlighted the music of 1972. Who knew there were so many truly terrible songs in 1972? The drug problem back then must've been much worse than I thought at the time. Hear GREAT BIG RADIO here.
And for you fellow boomers, there's RICHBRORADIO. This is an oldies station that digs deep. Reeeeeeeal deep. Songs from the 50's-70's that you haven't heard since, well the 50's-70's. Very different from your normal terrestrial oldies station that plays Pretty Woman, Respect, Hotel California, and that's it. With RICHBRORADIO you get great variety, vintage radio jingles, and special features as well -- salutes to Elvis, the Beatles, and Lesley Gore. When you're in the mood for the Way-Back Machine, here's your transport.

No Golden Globes review...

Because a) I never do, b) the Golden Globes are a joke, c) I'm on KABC so couldn't watch them until late, d) 24 premieres, and e) I've never even been nominated. And I once bought these foreign press members lunch!

The only things I'm sorry I'm missing -- Ricky Gervais (who I know will be hilarious) and the red carpet show watching all those stars get out of their limos in the rain.

Just remember -- Pia Zadora won a Golden Globe.

How not to direct a show

Yesterday I featured the first episode I ever directed. I've since directed over fifty more but you never forget your first one. It was also a bitch. Here are the gory details. I know it's kind of long but what the hell? It's a long weekend.

The episode was called “Portrait of a Con Artist as a Young Man” (written by Jeff Richman & Joyce Gittlin). The premise was that addled mechanic Lowell (Tommy) makes these large twisted pieces of metal that a museum director considers art. Comedy ensues (despite my efforts). Tommy is a gifted comedian but he never reads a line the same way twice. (Maybe for Sam Raimi on SPIDERMAN but not me) Nor does he move the same way twice. Forget matching, I had no idea what the star of the show was going to say or do the entire week. Kind of hard to interject the patented “Levine Touch” when that’s the case.

The rest of the cast was lovely (and by that I mean “tolerant”). I had been a consultant and writer on the show since the pilot so we knew each other very well. But there comes a point in the run of a series where the cast feels they’ve got their characters down, they no longer need to rehearse that long, and well…they want to go home. This usually happens around season four. (On one show I directed it happened episode four). We were in season six. The cast didn’t want to just go home, they left their engines running. So we’d do a scene once. They’d walk through it. I’d be ready to say let’s go again and they would say, “We got it, let’s move on”. I, the director, the floor general, the man in control of the stage, would be thinking “you have WHAT?”

My first scene was in the airport terminal. Casey (Amy Yasbech) was celebrating her birthday. All of the other characters came in, one at a time, from different directions with presents. And they all gathered around a table where a birthday cake was perched. Nine characters, all stacked up, each with props, torn wrapping everywhere, delivering lines to each other in every possible combination. Time taken to rehearse that scene: a half an hour. “We got it. Let’s move on.” I had visions of adding little bits of comic business, working out any rough spots, fine tuning the pace so the script just crackled. No. By noon we had a runthrough. One of the cast members had to buy something at Adrays before going out to hit a bucket of balls so we had to move it along. Needless to say it was ragged. I didn’t win any points with the producers when cast members would come up to me and ask “I forget. Am I in this scene?”

The next two days were more of the same. But now Tommy got bored saying the same lines over and over (i.e. twice) so he started changing them…which is a nice way of saying KILLING them. My mantra became, “Please say the lines as written”.

Day four was camera blocking. First scene up, the party. Nine characters, ten pages. And you can plan your camera assignments in advance but if one assignment changes, let’s say Camera B can get a better single of Tim Daly than Camera C as you had envisioned, then the rest of your road map goes right out the window. That happened to me the second line of the show. Little wonder I was taking FOREVER to do this.

The cast was getting antsy. The first AD kept pointing to his watch. Every crew member I spotted was rolling his eyes. The camera coordinator started giving me suggestions to speed up the process. Then the DP started giving me suggestions. But often they were opposing suggestions, thus confusing me more. The camera coordinator told the DP to butt out, it was none of his business. The DP took exception with that. They almost came to blows. Yeah, I really ruled that stage with an iron hand. I think it took ten hours to complete camera blocking.

Show day. We rehearsed all afternoon, had a dress rehearsal at about 3:00 that lasted an hour. Then we were free until the filming began at 7:00. At 6:30 the audience was let in. At 6:35 I’m handed pages, the rewrite following the dress rehearsal.

They had written a BRAND NEW SCENE. What the fuck?!!

We couldn’t rehearse on the stage, the audience was now there. I ran backstage, gathered the actors and walked them through it. Then I went to the camera operators, told them there was a new scene, gave them assignments off the top of my head, said just do the best you can and after the audience goes home I’ll block and shoot it properly. All the while I’m sweating through my suit.

Filming begins. It starts with a thirty second pause then Tim Daly calling out, “Say ‘action’, Kenny!” Helen (Crystal Bernard) brings the birthday cake with lit candles to the table for Casey. It slips out of her hands and she drops it. Cut! Fire marshals run out to the set. It’s a twenty minute delay. Then Tommy decides to really improvise. I go out into the stage and tell him nicely to do the line as written. Take two. He does another line. I repeat my request. Take three. Yet a third line. I go out to the future Oscar nominee and tell him I will punch his fucking face in if he doesn’t say the line as written. He does the line right. No one can say I’m not an “actor’s director”.

Eventually we get to the new scene. I’m at the quad split, watching all four cameras. Huddled around me are the producers, studio executives, and network people. I call “action”, the scene begins, the cameras start moving and fishing and on the monitors it is utter chaos. People out of focus, shots of the wall, a close up of a nose. (like the last reel of AFTER THE FOX) And to make matters worse two cameras collide into each other. Now the network guy must be thinking this director is INSANE.

We finish the show. I spend the next two weeks in a fetal position. I get a call from the producers. They edited the show together (a Herculean task since nothing matched) and discovered it was short. So they wrote a new scene to be filmed after they get done filming this week’s show. That means I start rehearsing and blocking at around midnight. You can imagine the happy cast I had.

And the scene is a dream sequence…with effects. And props that need to be smashed. But there are only two breakaway props so we only have two chances to get it. The first take the actor smashed it at the wrong time – blaming of course, ME. Mercifully, we got the shot the next take, I finally yell “Wrap!” at about 2:00, and drive home muttering to myself that Steven Spielberg had it EASY directing RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC.

To this day I thank the cast and the producers for their patience. Especially Crystal Bernard who called me at home to say what a great job she thought I had done. Likewise for Tony Shalhoub taking me aside, giving me a pep talk. That meant a lot.

Over the years I’ve gotten a lot a better, I’ve gotten a LOT faster but 70% of what I know about directing I learned from that first assignment. And 60% of it was what not to do.

My first directing assignment

Thanks to the producers of WINGS for giving a first-time director a shot. Special thanks to David Lee who patiently taught me camera blocking. I can watch this now without getting the sweats. Watch the show today and tomorrow I will fill you in on all the juicy details. Hint: Picture PROJECT GREENLIGHT but much more chaotic.

Conan update

Like I said, things are changing every minute. Here’s the latest:

It looks like NBC will settle with Conan for somewhere around $40million and he is free to go elsewhere. Conan, showing even more class, wants his staff to be taken care of too. They moved to LA from New York just seven months ago and now they’re out of jobs. Meanwhile, other NBC executives are bad mouthing Conan (more like trashing) to the New York Times. Dick Ebersole called his an "astounding failure". Yeah, like Jay was a huge success. It's getting a little silly.

Guys! Aren’t you the ones always saying it’s just business and never personal?

Conan’s last show could be January 22nd. Jay would ultimate reclaim his TONIGHT SHOW. But it will be under a huge cloud. The nice guy Jay Leno image may just take a permanent hit. America could view him as a villain. Or just not view him at all.

All this could happen as early as tomorrow. Thanks to Nikki Finke, who as always, has the scoop.

My take on Leno-Conan.

A lot of readers have asked my opinion of the Leno-Conan debacle. You mean, besides fire Jeff Zucker? Anyway, here’s what I think:

Jay was stupid five years ago agreeing to surrender THE TONIGHT SHOW. None of this would have happened if he didn’t say, “Hey, fuck you. I’m beating Letterman. Go away. I’ll leave when I’M ready to leave.”

Jeff Zucker has ruined everything hes touched at NBC. Under his stewardship they’ve gone from the number one network to somewhere below OXYGEN. His claim to fame is what, “supersize” episodes of JOEY?

Moving Jay to 10 and putting Conan in THE TONIGHT was the worst television decision in history. There’s nothing else that even comes close.

Making it worse, Zucker makes this bold move and obviously had no Plan B should it fail (despite everyone including people in foreign lands who don’t watch TV predicting it would).

Conan’s public letter was fucking brilliant. It showed conviction and class. Oh, and I agree with him.

Zucker compounded the damage by threatening legal action to keep Conan off the air if he doesn’t fulfill his contract. A) Good luck getting that past a judge, and B) Do you really want to put a guy on the air for an hour a night who doesn’t want to be there? For 3 1/2 years? How does this man keep his job???

This is such a fluid story that it’s hard to predict what will happen. But for my money, I say keep Conan where he is, hosting THE TONIGHT SHOW at 11:30. If he didn’t earn it before, he did this week with that letter. I’m guessing Johnny would be proud.

And Jay unfortunately becomes the odd man out. He’ll wind up at another network, make a gazillion dollars, and do just fine.

And when all the dust settles – Craig Ferguson will be the new king of late night.

That’s how I feel now. Come see me in ten minutes when everything changes.

Friday questions

Here are some Friday questions for the long holiday weekend. For the first one I got some help from a producer of LOST.

Dan asks.

I'm getting ready to write a spec, but I've been having some issues deciding which one to choose.

Initially I wanted to write a 'Breaking Bad' episode, but now I'm a bit confused b/c like a lot of dramatic series these days, the show is serialized, not episodic. I guess my question is, when writing a spec for a show like 'BB' or 'Mad Men', do I pick up the story where it left off, or just try to write one that fits in somehow but isn't directly related to the storyline...does that make sense?

Or should I just go with something more self-contained?

I would do something more self-contained. Otherwise you're really shooting at a moving target. It's hard enough writing of these damn things. I can't imagine writing a spec LOST. A spec 24, maybe. Jack escapes death, Kim is kidnapped, there's a bomb that has to be defused, Jack yells at Chloe, and anyone who helps Jack dies.

I asked Adam Horowitz, one of the LOST executive producers what he thought the best spec to submit was. Here's what he said:

What I find myself telling writers these days is, rather than spec an exisiting show, write a pilot. Or spec a show AND write a pilot. When we read for the show, we always like to see an original voice because as well executed as someone's show spec may be, it really doesn't give an indication of whether they can write our show. The best indication for us has always been a strong original voice shown through an original piece of material be it a pilot or feature or play.


Great advice!

From David Bishop:

Just watched a 4th season episode called Der Tag and spotted Radar clutching a 1960s Marvel comic. Can you recall any other any unintended anachronistic blunders on the show?

Oh, there have been plenty. In the first MASH we wrote – “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” – the tag takes place in the nurses’ tent. Look closely. One of the nurses is reading JAWS.

Michael wonders:

Why didn't Julia Duffy get the role of Diane?

There were three finalists for Sam and Diane. The couples were paired for the deciding audition. Ted and Shelley happened to be paired. And although Julia was terrific, the combo of Ted and Shelley was just magic.

And finally, Ian Taylor has a query:

I see episodes of MASH where the characters show some talent, like Radar's impressions or Margaret singing. I was wondering if this is something that actors are always pushing for, a chance to show off their auxiliary talents, and do you have any cool stories about actors attempting to shoehorn talents that just don't fit the characters?

Not me personally but I know that on CYBIL, Cybil Shepherd forced the writers to give her scenes in which she could sing. And the irony of course, is that her singing was uh… not very good.

On the other hand, if we learn that one of our cast members has a particular talent we’ll try to find a place to display it. Katey Sagal on THE MARY SHOW used to be a back-up singer for Bette Midler. She’s a fabulous singer. So we devised a reason for her to sing a number one week. For my money it was the best three minutes of the entire series.

Chip Zien on ALMOST PERFECT was in the original Broadway cast of INTO THE WOODS. If you can sing Sondheim you can sing anybody. We found a spot for him to sing as well.

Terry Ferrell was a model before becoming an actor. She did some topless layouts for European magazines. When she was on BECKER I lobbied hard to have her show off that talent. Sorry guys, they didn’t buy it.

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks. And thanks again to Adam Howoritz.

Design a condom package and you could win!!

More fun even than my word verification contest or my “you supply the headline” contest. The city of New York wants YOU, yes YOU to design its new condom package. For years the Big Apple has been distributing prophylactics (several hundred thousand for Elliot Spitzer and Alex Rodriguez alone). But they need a new design and instead of having Donald Trump’s APPRENTICE contestants do it, they’re taking it to the streets and inviting every resident of New York City to participate. This is worth moving there.

Warning to taggers: condom packages are small and don’t lend themselves easily to intricate designs in spray paint.

Deadline to submit is January 22nd. You must be 17 or older to play. No fair using Tiger Wood’s likeness in your design. Also, nothing sexually explicit. So be creative with your graphic design, just not too graphic.

A panel of artists, advertising professionals, health experts and social-marketing experts will announce the finalists in February, and residents will choose the winner through an online vote.

I’m not sure what the grand prize is. Certainly the satisfaction of seeing your design discarded in every waste basket in five boroughs. But who knows? It could launch a whole career. Next year Summer Eve’s might come calling.

Best of luck. And if you win, I don’t have to tell you what my finder’s fee is.

BETTER OFF TED -- best censored outtakes EVER

Warning: LOTS of swearing. I mean, LOTS of it. Seriously bad language. Spoken by beloved television characters. But Jesus, is it funny!

My review of AMERICAN IDOL

Back for another year of reviewing AMERICAN IDOL. Since this is Simon's last it's probably mine too. Maybe next year I'll focus on HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD 2.

Season 9 of IDOL began with an acknowledgment of all the changes. Paula left the series to pursue obscurity. We were told nine guest judges would appear on the audition rounds vying for Paula’s spot and they must’ve all done fantastic since Ellen DeGeneres got the job.

First up guest judgewise was painfully thin Victoria Beckham. My droll daughter Annie, who watched with me, shouted out, “Give her a sandwich! You’d think David Beckham could provide!”

Victoria’s musical credentials are impeccable. She was Posh in the Spice Girls. And now Ryan refers to her as a “Fashion Icon”. Oh really? I don’t think those doily-laced headbands are going to catch on other than for tying your garbage bags. Here’s an example of her expert assessment of a singer’s performance: “I love the jeans, the shirt.”

Posh offered nothing in the way of insight or personality, which still made her better than Kara. How the hell is she back for another year? Kara Dioguardi and Jeff Zucker – the two people who can’t get fired. I’m reminded of that great line – “Who do you have to fuck to get off this picture?”

Randy Jackson is also back – wearing more make-up than Kara, Victoria, and even Ryan. And what was with the Playskool watch? Did “Fashion Icon” Posh suggest that? Randy unveiled some exciting new meaningless catch-phrases for the season. “Doin’ it big!” and my personal favorite, “You’re a cool guy. Great hang!”

The show started out in Boston. 9000 delusional guttersnipes getting drenched in a pouring rain. And not one of them I’m sure could appreciate the metaphor.

They started right off with a classic nut. Some whacko girl who kept auditioning to the AMERICAN IDOL video game. And when the animated Simon said she was good enough she entered the real competition. She was horrendous. Annie said they should recall the game if it put her through. Her idea of rehearsing, by the way, was to practice jumping.

There was the obligatory parade of idiots – girls who dressed like Diablo Cody if Diablo Cody was blind and guys decked out like Michael Jackson, the Marlboro Man, and the Burger King. This year’s atrocious William Hung Asian kid massacred Eric Carman’s “All By Myself”. And we had two or three lunatics who mistook grand mal seizures for dance steps. One cretin actually still thought Paula was there.

All of the losers broke down crying. “Simon’s wrong!” “I’m a great singer, I know I am.” “I just took the steroids to heal faster.”

There were heart-tugging stories galore – cancer and down syndrome and dying grandmothers with dementia. All of these contestants got through to Hollywood of course. You’re never going to hear, “Well, you have only one year to live and you can’t sing.”

Ryan said one contestant got a “One-way ticket to Hollywood.” Uh, does that mean he has to pay his own way home? I guess the economic crunch has even caught up to AMERICAN IDOL.

My favorite aspirants: the drummer who broke both wrists after falling out of a tree, some Clark Kent-looking guy who was pissed he had to wait all day (this really irked Kara who intimated that if you’re going to make it in the music industry you better have a talent for waiting), and finally – a blond stoner with horrible skin (I love my HD) who said he was going to try to sound like his idol, Chris Brown. Why Chris Brown? Because “he touches young kids all over the world.” Yeah, he sure touched young Rihanna. He beat the crap out of her. Stoner Boy was rejected but he was satisfied with his performance. As he said, “I did what I had to do. I hit really loud notes.”

More auditions tonight but I’m skipping those because, well it’s the same show as this one. Only the sob stories and costumes will change. Oh, and the guest judge. Not sure but I think it's Captain Beefheart.

My take on Mark McGwire

I made some notes on the Costas-McGwire interview.

McGwire got all emotional and cried several times.

He admitted to taking steroids but not for the purpose of cheating.

Although not as bad as Peter Gammons (Melissa Rivers asks tougher questions than the ones Gammons posed to Alex Rodriguez in a similar interview last year), Bob Costas didn’t hold McGwire’s feet to the fire. He didn’t really cross-examine him.

McGwire stated that he’s wanted to come clean for five years now.

McGwire couldn’t be more contrite and apologetic.

These were notes I took BEFORE the interview.

It was that predictable. And boring. Halfway through I thought, why don’t I just pop in my DVD of FROST/NIXON? At least that was somewhat entertaining and the acting was convincing. This was just an orchestrated damage control charade. Tom Hanks’ line in LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN was wrong. “There is nothing BUT crying in baseball.”

Poor Mark McGwire. Your heart has to go out to a guy who broke baseball’s most cherished record under false pretenses. He had to live with his guilt for five whole years. If he was so tortured by this why did he wait five years to come clean? Was it his conscience, his realization that he owed the world the truth? No. It’s because he accepted a job as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach and knew he would have to face the media.

So who gives a shit that he’s crying on MLB.TV? I’d rather they show a replay of the 1969 World Series or a winter league game from Venezuela.

McGwire cheated, knew he cheated, on the advice of his handlers denied that he cheated, and now wants forgiveness so he can get back in the game he disrespected and not have to play golf under an assumed name.

I’ll forgive him when Roger Maris does.

How ironic and sad that the only person who seems to be telling the truth in this whole steroid debacle is Jose Canseco.

AMERICAN IDOL review late tonight. I expect fewer tears than the McGwire interview.

My plan for saving AMERICAN IDOL without Simon

Okay. It’s official. This is Simon Cowell’s final season on AMERICAN IDOL. He signed a document right in front of the nations’ TV critics on Monday. No one bothered to check whether the document was real though. For all we know, he could have in fact signed a “Save BETTER OFF TED” petition but that’s besides the point. After nine years Simon is moving on to produce and star as a judge in his own show THE X-FACTOR next season. What are the chances Paula Abdul is throwing herself in front of his car at this very moment?

But the big question is – Can AMERICAN IDOL survive without Simon?

My answer is a resounding YES.

No less than F.X. Sillerman himself, the Chief Executive of the parent company that owns AI said, “Simon Cowell is a spectacular talent. Having said that, AMERICAN IDOL is much bigger than any one individual.” (This is in marked contrast to the statement given when Paula left. “You left some tap shoes in your dressing room. Could you have someone come pick them up?”)

Mr. Sillerman is right. The Chicago Bulls survived just fine when Michael Jordan retired. The PGA Tour will hardly even miss Tiger Woods. And Carly Simon now looks enough like Mick Jagger that she could easily replace him in the Rolling Stones and no one would notice.

So what should AMERICAN IDOL do? Yes, some changes will have to be made but they must be the right ones. This is no time for mis-steps. So these are my suggestions:

Change the title to AfterAMERICAN IDOL.

For Simon’s replacement, there is a way to save two networks at once – hire Conan O’Brien. (This is why I should be running a network and not Jeff Zucker.)

For celebrity mentors, instead of deadbeats like Paul Anka, rotate Jamie Farr, Harry Morgan, Rosalind Chao, and William Christopher. Hey, they’ll give better advice than Mariah Carey and know where they are.

Combine the results show with HOUSE.

And finally, don’t let the kids rehearse. You wanna take advantage of live TV? Give them the songs five minutes before airtime. Now you’ve got some suspense, America!

Implement these suggestions and AfterAMERICAN IDOL should run at least one year more.

You’re welcome.

I will be reviewing AMERICAN IDOL again this year. First recap late Tuesday night.

Is the Mentalist really the Equalizer?

I’m on board with THE MENTALIST.

Yes, it’s a formula cop show. Yes, its “hook” (the star has extraordinary powers of observation and is eccentric) is the same as five other police series. And yes, at the end of the day you don’t really give a rat's ass who “did it”. But Simon Baker is fun to watch and at the end of the day isn’t that all that matters?

What sets him apart is this insouciant I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude he has that I find very refreshing. Especially since every other TV crime fighter is driven and earnest to a fault. Hey, lighten up guys. It’s only murder.

The Mentalist has the obligatory hot partner. In this case, Robin Tunney. Since it’s CBS the one requirement is that she’s a brunette (Les Moonves loves his brunettes. Check out the CBS schedule. It’s filled with them.) She’s the serious one. She questions all the suspects while Simon hangs back, bemused, and after five minutes of getting nowhere, Simon pops in with one offhanded query and the suspect pours out his most innermost secrets. You don’t have to be a mentalist to see it coming a mile away but it works. Baker pulls it off. Robin of course finds him exasperating but unlike the bitch in CASTLE she's more tolerant and even thanks him more than once a year.

Then there’s the mandatory police staff supporting drones – interchangeable from any procedural except one of the members of this group is that Asian guy from the cellphone commercials and I just hate him. He’s probably the world’s greatest person but he always plays smug assholes that you just want to slug.

Last week’s episode was particularly entertaining. They entered the world of a biker gang. Great scene where they went to a biker bar to question a suspect. All these angry looking tatted dudes and in steps Simon in a tweed jacket completely at ease. Fearless Robin is there too. (I love, by the way, that she always introduces herself by flashing her badge and snarling “CBI” as if anyone knows what the hell that means. For reference: California Bureau of Intelligence, which no longer exists in that form.) The biker gang leader is ready to turn the Mentalist into a hood ornament but is instantly disarmed when Simon perceptively tells him he came from a dysfunctional family and had childhood issues. Wow! How did he know??? This leads me to a possible spinoff idea. “Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Homicide”. I want part creator credit if this ever happens.

One of the purposes of the police staff is to do all the action sequences. Case in point in this particular episode – Robin and the hot young red head (I’m sure Moonves was told was she’s a light brunette) handled a thrilling car chase while Baker gave a suspect a driving lesson.

The fact that Baker would probably call for a stunt double if he has to get up from a dinner table quickly is precisely why I love this show. It reminds me of my other all-time favorite urban drama, THE EQUALIZER.

This mid-80s series starred British actor, Edward Woodward as a former secret agent who now lives in Manhattan and helps protect regular citizens from bullies or the Mafia or biker gangs. When he made this series Woodward was already in his mid-to-late fifties and looked like Winston Churchill with a hairpiece. Not what you’d call imposing. Still, he’d walk into those biker bars and instead of the Hells Angels yelling, “What the fuck do you want, grandpa?” they’d cower. Why I never knew but I loved loved loved it.

My favorite episode found The Equalizer and a dangerous thug locked in a tense showdown. Both held handguns at their sides. But then the Equalizer flicked his wrist, raising his gun just a few inches and the thug was so intimidated he dropped his weapon. Zowie!! You just can’t choreograph action like that!

The older I get the more I appreciate these series. If that’s all it took to thwart vicious criminals than hey, I could still be James Bond!

Simon Baker is still a few years away from that but I have a feeling THE MENTALIST could last long enough to where he might not have the flexibility and dexterity he has now. And I’ll still be watching. Oh, and by the way, it did not go unnoticed that all the commercials on the show last week were for drugs and ointments.

CHEERS -- the Russian Poetry Corner

Here’s a scene of ours from a first season episode of CHEERS called "Any Friend of Diane's". Diane’s college chum Rebecca (played by Diane runner-up Julia Duffy) comes to visit the bar. Imagine a sitcom today being allowed to do this run.


INT. BAR – DAY

Diane and Rebecca are chattering away in French. They laugh together. Rebecca’s laugh turns into a sob, and she buries her face in her hands.

DIANE
Rebecca, something’s wrong.

REBECCA
You always saw through my façade of gaiety… Elliot and I have parted.

DIANE
No. You and Elliot? Rebecca, you two were together forever.

REBECCA
I know. I know. It all started when Elliot got his doctorate in ichthyology. His eye began to wander, and the next thing I knew he had taken up with a young student he met on a squid expedition.

DIANE
A doctorate changes a man. Rebecca, there’ll be others. In the meantime you have your work.

REBECCA
You’d think so. I used to find enormous comfort translating Russian poetry. But no more. Even when I went back over my favorite, Karashnikov’s “Another Christmas of Agony”, it failed to soothe me. (RECITING) “Mischa the dog lies dead in the bog. The children cry over the carcass. The mist chokes my heart, covers the mourners. At least this year we eat.”

DIANE
Well...If that didn’t pick you up, I’m at a virtual loss.

Lisa Edelstein on ALMOST PERFECT

Found this on YouTube. Lisa's scenes from one of our ALMOST PERFECT episodes. It's a little choppy in places but not bad. Here's the set-up. Lisa plays Patty Karp, married to Gary (the hilarious Chip Zien). She's every man's nightmare. This is the Thanksgiving episode. As great as Lisa is on HOUSE, she's an even better comedienne.

Kelsey Grammer and the Real Don Steele

Wow. The first Friday question of the year. I’d love to answer yours. Just leave it in the comments section. All I ask is that you leave your name. Thanks.

Today’s question is from anonymous.

How does a major TV actor (like Kelsey Grammer) who has been in major hits (like Cheers and Frasier) end up in a stinker like Hank?

To answer this I first must introduce you to a gentleman named The Real Don Steele. For the last half of the 60s, The Real Don Steele ruled the Los Angeles radio airwaves. As the afternoon “Bossjock” on Boss Radio KHJ, Steele led the larger-than-life life you’d expect from a major celebrity. Fame, fortune, women, hob nobbing with rock stars, getting drunk and passing out in Frank Sinatra’s pasta while trying to sing “Strangers in the Night” to him -- this was his world. He was and will always be one of my idols.

His own local television show followed, as did movie roles in some of the most prestigious films Hollywood has ever produced – EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000, GRAND THEFT AUTO, ROCK & ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and even KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK.

Then “Boss Radio” fell from grace. In 1974 The Real Don Steele was doing afternoons on K100, an LA FM station with a horrible signal. I know. I followed him from 6-10 PM.

At KHJ Steele had an engineer. All he did was turn on and off the mic. It was stature befitting a king. At K100 he had to run his own board – play the music, commercials, watch the levels, etc.

One night I’m in the booth a few minutes before he was to sign-off. The equipment was terrible, things were breaking, he was hitting the wrong buttons. It was really sad. Finally he got the record to play, switched off the mic, and turned to me.

“Beaver!” he said. (My air name was Beaver Cleaver). “Beaver, have you ever wondered why me, the Real Don Steele, would be working in this fucking shit hole?!”

“Uh…” I stammered, “Yeah, uh, I guess so. Sure.”

We were on the 14th floor of what is now the CNN building in Hollywood. He gazed out the window at the city below, reflected for a moment, looked back at me, and said softly and wistfully, “Because when it was good, it was GREAT”.

This is purely conjecture on my part, but I think if you ask Kelsey Grammer why he felt the need to sign up for another sitcom so soon after his last one missed the mark he might give you that very same answer.

By the way, Kelsey has just signed to star in the revival of LA CAGE AU FOLLES on Broadway. I have a strong feeling things will be great for him again very soon.

Why I can never be in a musical, even one I wrote

These are pictures from the musical I co-wrote with Janet Brenner, THE 60s PROJECT. Just by looking at them you can tell it was a great show, right? Thanks to Janet for the pix.

The show was produced in 2006 at the Goodspeed Theater in Connecticut. It was theater summer camp except they never made us play basketball. Someday I hope there’s another production. It was very well received. Chris Berman from ESPN loved it. Not sure how many of the cast members even knew who Chris Berman is but still.

One night before a show I asked Andrew Rannells (who of course played “Billy”) just what it was like to be performing on stage and feeding off the reaction and energy of the audience? He said, “Well why don’t you just write a part for yourself in the show?” That was a lovely suggestion except for one thing – I have no talent. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, and I can’t act. You sort of need to have at least one of those skills to be in a musical.

I have had cameos in two TV shows I co-wrote with David Isaacs. One was OPEN ALL NIGHT. David and I played two swinging lawyers trying to pick up female mud wrestlers at a mace class. The producers added this stage direction: The two girls get tired of these idiots and flip them over their shoulders.

For a week we were getting tossed around. Finally, right after dress rehearsal on show night, after being bruised and battered, they cut they stunt.

My other appearance was on a very funny series called THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES. This time David and I played two gay guys at a Jewish wedding. I had two lines; one I had to deliver while actually walking!

Both of these series were quickly cancelled. You can understand why other producers aren’t checking my availability.

I have, however, made a number of appearances as a voice-over sportscaster. If a character is watching a sporting event on TV they always need an announcer’s voice playing underneath the scene. Observant fans of this blog noticed that recently I did baseball play-by-play on a MODERN FAMILY episode. These are great jobs. Usually they take fifteen minutes. I’ve done this for about twenty shows, most I’ve never seen. And of course, I played the Springfield Isotopes announcer on the “Dancin’ Homer” episode of THE SIMPSONS.

But that’s easy. I’m a play-by-play guy anyway and I can keep doing it over until everyone is happy. Not the same as stepping out on a live stage, having a million cues to remember, complicated dance numbers, jokes to sell, and playing a character that is real and believable even though you’re forced to yell every line and periodically break into song. Yes, this is Nathan Lane in real life but for the rest of us it requires great discipline and talent.

So my hat’s off to theater people. All that skill, all that training, and still sometimes you have to appear in CATS.

Inside story on the CHEERS "Jeopardy" episode

Sometimes a Friday question requires its own post. And someone other than me answering it. Dan O'Shannon and his partner Tom Anderson wrote the Jeopardy episode of CHEERS. When a blog reader asked about it I sought out Dan for the answer.

Dan O'Shannon became a show runner on CHEERS, FRASIER, and currently is executive producing MODERN FAMILY. Many thanks to Dan for writing back and writing the episode in the first place. If he ever writes a blog and someone asks a question about MANNEQUIN 2 I'm happy to return the favor.

From Ed:

I loved the Cliff blows the Jeopardy show ep. I'm curious as to how much back and forth there may have been amongst all y'all in deciding categories and what questions would be asked - and most especially, the Final Jeopardy question. Any anecdotes would be much appreciated.

The idea of Cliff trying out for Jeopardy started with Tom Anderson. It was the B story in our spec script, which eventually got us on the show. (Cheers, not Jeopardy). Once it was decided to use the story in an episode, we needed to expand what we had.

As we pitched on it in the room, I came up with the notion to fill the board with Cliff's dream categories. I'd scribbled down four or five possible examples, like "bar trivia" and ending with "celibacy." Once the idea was pitched, we batted categories around the room, which was great fun. I remember us all shouting out ideas and laughing like crazy.

The final Jeopardy question came from something I'd observed back when I was doing stand-up. Anyone could win all the money on Jeopardy every night if they wanted, because for each answer given on the show, there are an infinite number of technically correct questions. The final exchange (the names of the three celebrities, and "who are three people who have never been in my kitchen") came directly from that.

PS -- I like to think that a young Ken Jennings caught my act in Warren, Ohio in 1983 and now owes me -- at the very least -- a big thank you.

Dan

Rory Markas

Many of you never heard of him. But you would have liked him.

He loved people but lived alone.

He was a performer but very shy.

He worked in Anaheim but lived 100 miles away in Palmdale.

For years he was a Los Angeles TV news anchor and Milwaukee Brewers baseball announcer – at the same time.

He was a remarkable person.

Rory Markas, only 54, passed away this morning of an apparent heart attack. Those of us who knew him are still in shock.

He was also loved by many people he never met.

For the last nine seasons Rory was the lead play-by-play announcer for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim along with the voice of USC men’s basketball. He brought a passion and flair to his broadcasts and was a treat to listen to. Hey, for me to tune in to even one minute of USC basketball you know he had to be a great announcer. But all of that is beside the point. Rory Markas was a dear friend.

I used to give him a hard time about living in Palmdale. I said, either move closer to Angel Stadium or get a wife and kids for godsakes. But he loved it out there. He also didn’t mind the four to five hour daily commute. I used to say, “So when you’re on the road in Kansas City do you stay in a hotel in St. Louis and drive back and forth just to feel at home?” It was always worth needling him just to hear his loud infectious laugh.

In late 2008 he had a brain aneurysm. It almost took his life then. Miraculously he recovered fully. He said last year felt like a reprieve and he learned to appreciate life so much more. He was also touched by how many friends he had, how many people wrote him and reached out in his time of need. We don’t contact our friends enough. It’s sad but we often need “reasons” like this to reconnect with people we care about.

So at least the little time he had left he savored. It’s just that he deserved more time. Much more time.

Rory will be greatly missed. May he always be the voice of the Angels – Los Angeles or otherwise.

Random Rants

New Year's Day leftover rants.

Do we say two-thousand-and-ten? Or twenty-ten? Or hell plus one?

Shouldn’t we be living the life of the Jetsons by now? Where’s my flying car that folds up into a suitcase?

CRAZY HEART is worth seeing for Jeff Bridges but it's THE WRESTLER with country music.

What will last longer? My grow light plant or the Jay Leno Show?

Hey Rush Limbaugh, just imagine if you didn’t have health coverage.

Kevin update: He kept his lights on this year so the neighbor's New Year's Eve party was not ruined. Kevin of course was not invited.

I took some heat a couple of years ago for suggesting the NBA had a certain, uh… gangster mentality. On Christmas Eve two Washington Wizard teammates, Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittention drew guns at each other in the locker room. “Hey, that’s my Ben-Gay, motherfucker!”

TV shows are back into production. Would love to have been at the TWO AND A HALF MEN table reading. “Hey, Charlie, what did you do during the break?”

Meanwhile, ratings for TWO AND A HALF MEN held steady last week despite his arrest. It’s just a good thing Charlie and Brooke aren’t members of the Washington Wizards.

Stupid.com’s year end poll concluded that Tiger Woods was only the second stupidest celebrity of the year. Congratulations, Sarah Palin.

It’s become a new sick American tradition – watching New Year’s Rockin’ Eve to see if Dick Clark is back. Cringe in the New Year with ABC. It’s horrifying but you watched, didn’t you? I’m surprised ABC isn’t hinting Dick might appear on UGLY BETTY to help that show’s ratings.

Dick, please, we love you and think you’re courageous but it’s time, buddy.

UGLY BETTY will move to Wednesday night at 10. When a network puts a comedy at 10 it is DEAD. Even up against Leno.

HuffingtonPost Headline that is its own punchline: Pirate Ransom Money May Explain Kenya Property Boom

What are the chances you’ll see Charlie Sheen guest on THE VIEW?

Is there a worse sportscaster than Brent Musberger? To describe him I shall borrow a line he himself used on the Rose Bowl telecast. “To be blunt – the man is a load.”

Other than the BCS Championship, why are there still bowl games left to play? After three weeks of watching meaningless bowl games, who the fuck cares anymore? This is like Fox burning off episodes of TIL DEATH.

This week's Chutzpah Award goes to the TV producer accused of extorting David Letterman. He’s using Tiger Woods as his defense. In court papers filed recently, Robert "Joe" Halderman's lawyer cited published reports that Woods paid an alleged mistress millions of dollars to stay silent. Attorney Gerald Shargel suggested that since the woman hasn't been charged with a crime, Halderman shouldn't be, either. Good luck with that one.

I was loving GREAT BIG RADIO’S week long salute to 1972 until they played “Amazing Grace” on bagpipes. Then I wanted to stand between Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittention and yell “Fire!”

Strangest game in baseball last year. (Thanks to ESPN’s Jayson Stark for the tip.) The Astros and Nationals began the game on May 5 in Washington. It was suspended and resumed July 9 in Houston. The game counted as a May 5th game. But it set up some wacky occurrences. The Astros lost the game on a walk-off hit in their own ballpark. Nyger Morgan scored the winning run for the Nationals supposedly on the same day he got a single for the Pirates. The Nats used eight players that were no longer on the team by the end of the game. It was the highest scoring game in National Park history even though the final run was scored in Houston. And at no time did any player on either team pull a gun.

Fox and Time-Warner settled their retransmission negotiations that held subscribers hostage. Who were you rooting for? It’s like having a favorite in the Iraq-Iran Civil War.

At some point congress is going to get into this and the business model that cable companies fear more than God – ala carte viewing (paying only for the channels you want) may come into being. No more paying for channels you never watch. You can see why the cable giants are opposed to this. As is the Military Channel.

Am I a bad Facebook friend because I don’t join 99% of the groups I’m invited to join? I’m sorry. I don’t want to “Support Carrie Prejean”. And I don’t want to become a fan of “THE CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE”.

Is TV comedy dead? Last week 6 of the top 10 shows were sitcoms. THE BIG BANG THEORY was the number one show of the week. You'd think they'd get even one Golden Globe or WGA nomination.

Is Gwyneth Paltrow still acting or is she spending all her time blogging and recommending enema treatments?

Tomorrow: a real treat for CHEERS fans.

Did Warren Beatty really sleep with 13,000 women?

Here are some thoughts on Warren Beatty’s claim in his new book that he slept with 13,000 women. I better not hear any of these on Leno and Letterman Monday night. (Conan I don’t care. Nobody watches.) For you gag writer hopefuls this is what we call the mother lode. Weigh in with some of your own.

I find it hard to believe that he has actually slept with 13,000 women. Wilt Chamberlain said he slept with 20,000 women but that you can believe -- he was in the NBA.

Tiger Woods, you've got some ground to make up.

So who hates Warren Beatty more now? Men or women?

He can sleep with 13,000 women. Still, if we find out he's slept with one guy he's gay.

Warren did not however sleep with MacKenzie Phillips.

I don’t think all the members of the The Pacific Coast Obstetrical and Gynecological Society combined have seen 13,000 vaginas.

Warren Beatty is 72, by the way. Or, by his own calculations: 7,639.

Charlie Sheen has slept with fewer women than Warren Beatty but he has been arrested more.

Warren should play David Duchuvny’s father on CALIFORNICATION.

Author Peter Biskind calculates Warren bedded "12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on." Drive-bys??? What the hell is a drive-by?

Among his conquests are Jane Fonda, Joan Collins (whom he exhausted…according to HIM), Carly Simon (for whom she wrote “You’re so Vain”), Faye Dunaway (ugh!). Leslie Caron, Candace Bergan, Isabelle Adjani, Julie Christie, Brigitte Bardot, Diane Keaton, Madonna (who hasn’t?), Natalie Wood, Annette Bening (although that one hasn’t been confirmed), and I guess the girl from the In & Out Takeout window.

When Joan Collins was asked if she really had sex with Beatty seven times a day, she replied, "Maybe he did, but I just lay there."

I’m reminded of the great Woody Allen line. “When I die I want to come back as Warren Beatty’s finger.”

13,000. Let's see, that's probably three or four a day for three or four decades, time out to do ISHTAR, LOVE AFFAIR and TOWN AND COUNTRY -- nah, he's lying.

On the other hand, even if he slept with only 10,000 or 9,000 even – that’s more than me.

Product Placement 50s style

Product placement is hardly new. Back in the 50s sponsors were incorporating their products into shows on a regular basis. Here's an example from MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY starring Danny Thomas. Notice how artfully they work in the commercial. If you weren't paying strict attention, why, you'd never know.



And speaking of shameless plugs, join me on 790KABC today from 5-8 Pacific.

The Taco Bell Drano Ken Levine Blog

Madison Avenue has a big problem. People don’t watch commercials. They’ve had fifty years to solve this problem (and judging by the Progressive Insurance commercials they’ve learned nothing) but now with Tivo, DVR's, and DVD's audiences can eliminate them completely. Advertisers must find new ways to convey the vital message that Lamisil targets toenail fungus where it lives.

Subliminal messages have been tried and outlawed. They can’t slip in the Pepsi logo for one frame in a movie, Mel Gibson can’t throw up a one second title card that says the Holocaust never existed into APOCOLYPTO. But if a character in a movie drinks a Pepsi, that’s okay. And if she should happen to say, “Mmmmmmm, that’s not only good, it’s the voice of a new generation!”, all the better. Product placement has become the new answer. Production companies are thrilled because it’s found money for them. If Mitch and Cam are going to go to the hardware store anyway, why not make it a Home Depot? And that’s fine until…what happens when the writers decide they don’t need that scene? Or they come up with a better one that’s set somewhere else? Will storytelling have to be compromised to accommodate the sponsor? We all know the answer to that question.

An interactive variation of this is SeenOn.com. Now you can watch GREY’S ANATOMY, like the outfit that Ellen Pompeo is wearing and order it on line. You can also buy Ugly Betty’s stool (I hope they’re referring to furniture). In theory this too is a good idea but I want to be there the day they tell Teri Hatcher what dress she has to wear.

One way around all these pesky “creative” issues is to digitally add products to scenes after the fact. Now Columbo can have a can of Glade in his car, Lucy can clean her clothes with Tide, and the Miller Lite delivery guy can be inserted into the Zapruder film.

Sponsors are happy these days if they can just get the name of their damn product in front of your face or in your ear. This has led to corporate sponsorship and it’s not going away. It’s bad enough that the Houston Astros must play in Minute Maid Park, and there was such a thing as the Weed Whacker Bowl. I foresee the day when we’ll all be paying our respects at the Wendy’s Arlington National Cemetery. Thomas A. Steitz and Ada E. Yonath will be awarded the prestigious Depends Nobel Prize in Chemistry. And we’ll all be living in the United States of Google.

At this point I must sheepishly admit that I too have succumbed to this trend. I’m not proud of myself but since it’s available and we are in a bit of a recession, I have accepted a generous offer from a leading manufacturer. And so from now until 2014 (when I have the option to renegotiate) my daughter, Annie will be known as Dow Chemical Levine.

What a windfall! And just think, all this extra income because people no longer want to see the Geiko gecko. God bless, Janitor In A Drum’s America!

The Hippie REVOLT

In doing research for my book on the 60s I came across this absurd trailer for a 1967 movie called SOMETHING'S HAPPENING about the Hippie "revolt". Thank God we had movies like this to put things in perspective and show us the REAL way.