Wednesday, March 28, 2007

G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry


A reader on Monday mentioned the CHEERS where Sam becomes a local TV sportscaster. My partner David and I wrote that episode in knee jerk reaction to the idiotic schticks most sportscasters had. (Of course now it’s only gotten worse). So Sam felt he needed a gimmick and tried a few on the air. Here are his last two.

ANGLE – TV

SAM
I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that “old squares” like me shouldn’t be doing the sports. Well, Corky, tonight’s commentary is directed right at you.

He picks up a ghetto blaster and pushes a button. Rap rhythm begins and San begins rapping to it.

SAM
(RAPPING) It’s time to rap
about a controversy
Gonna take a stand,
I won’t show no mercy.
A lot of folks say
Jocks shouldn’t be
A doin’ the sports news on TV.
But I don’t want
To hear the latest scores
From a bunch of old broad-
Casting school bores.
The guys on the diamonds
And the fields and courts
Know a heck of a lot more
About real sports.
So get your scores
From a guy like me
Who knows the meaning of words
Like “groin in-ju-ry.”
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry. Joanne?

She stares at Sam for a beat, then opens her mouth as if to say something, changes her mind and turns to Dr. Buzz.

JOANNE
Dr. Buzz, is there any late word on that hurricane off Galveston?

BACK TO CHEERS

Norm, Cliff and Carla have their heads on their arms on the bar.

WOODY
(TO HIMSELF) G-g-g-groin injury… catchy.

And then…in a later scene….

ANGLE ON TV SCREEN

JOANNE
Well, ready or not, here’s tonight’s “’I’ on Sports” commentary with Sam Malone.

Sam pulls up a little dummy who looks like him and is dressed exactly like him. He does ventriloquism in a high voice, pronouncing certain words differently so his lips won’t move.

SAM
And don’t forget Lil’ Sam.

LIL’ SAM
That’s nee! (SIC)

BACK TO BAR

CARLA
Oh my God.

REBECCA
If either of them mentions the bar I’m suing.

ANGLE ON TV

SAM
I think the Red Sox are making a big mistake dipping into their farm system, trading away young players for veterans who can only help them for a season or two. Don’t you agree Lil’ Sam?

LIL’ SAM
No. You’re full of hooey. If I’m taying five ducks to get into the dalltark I want to see them win. NOW!

SAM
Oh, what do you know? Your head’s wooden.

LIL’ SAM
Well, your lits are nooving.

SAM
At least I don’t have an arm up my back.

LIL’ SAM
Or a drain in your head. (LAUGHING) Yak-yak-yak.

SAM
Well, that’s two guy’s opinions.

LIL’ SAM
Joanne?

ANGLE ON JOANNE whose mouth is wide open. She’s staring, speechless.

18 comments:

VP19 said...

I'm envisioning Joanne's reaction is similar to the AFLAC duck in the classic Yogi Berra commercial ("...and they give you cash -- which is just as good as money").

Willy B. Good said...

Ya I remember that episode and it was a g-g-g-great

Anonymous said...

God, I love these trips down memory lane. I remember that episode very well!

ebuzzmiller said...

When they were trying to hide Sam's moonlighting gig as a sportscaster, I remember Norm and Cliff quickly changing the channel to something like This Old House. When asked by Rebecca why they weren't watching sports, Cliff drawled, "Well, they're about to put up some drywall." One of my fave lines, me and my friends recite it to this day....

Tom Quigley said...

Ken,

Thanks for posting that whole scene! I still laugh out loud when I think about it and reading your words! (I got some of the details wrong in my post about it -- it's been a long time since I've seen the episode)

DonBoy said...

Remember when it was only five ducks to get into the ballpark?

JohnE said...

God help me. The mere term "G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry" make me laugh my ass off to this day, much to my wife's despair.

RAC said...

Ouch, I just got an injury laughing my groin off.

Alan Sepinwall said...

Ken, did Woody's line at the end of the rap scene make final cut? I remember him dancing along (which elevated the entire sequence to another level of genius), but I have no memory of him reciting the lyrics afterwards.

Max said...

Great episode, who on tv can write something like that today? I recall my astonishment at how far Sam was willing to go just to keep the sports job.

After the dummy routine, about the next time Woody says something is when Sam returns to the bar and puts the dummy onto the counter. Woody walks over and asks Sam to make him say something. Sam pleads exhaustion, tells Woody his lips are tired.

KEN, where can people buy copies of the Cheers scripts?

JP said...

Great episode of cheers, thanks.

I can still picture in my head Woody moving in time to Sam's words

Barking Pumpkin said...

Thanks for the classic script..
The Sam and Lil' Sam routine made me think about Chuck from SOAP..
..Those were the days..
Peace Out..D

Tom said...

Class stuff. A desperate Sammy. Very funny.

And barking pumpkin - Chuck and Bob, very rare in a quality comedy in that they never had any plot or storyline themselves, just wandered into scenes to cause big laugh out loud moments then wandered out of them again.

Anonymous said...

REBECCA
If either of them mentions the bar I’m suing.


That's still my favourite line from this episode. It still cracks me up.

Stacey

Anonymous said...

I like when Rebecca finds out about Sam's moonlighting, and decides to let him continue, saying,"You'll either become so successful that they'll hire you full time and I'll never see you again; or you'll screw up, humiliate yourself, come back here a crushed and broken man. Either way, I win."

EliseB said...

Ken, isn't this the same episode where no one is calling in, and then finally someone does? And it's Woody and his question is "Sam, where are the olives"? That's one of my favorite lines from the entire series.

Anonymous said...

FWIW, Jim Berry, a sports anchor at WFOR (CBS Ch-4) in Miami was known for rapping at the end of his segments. I am not sure if he still does that but the name of his Sunday night show (Sports Rap) still alludes to that bit.

Dan from Miami

Shop said...

Very interesting!