A question I’m always asked is “how do you find a writing partner?”. I met mine in the army but I sure don’t recommend that method. The WGA has come up with a nifty idea. Speed Dating. Just like the social version with the same success rate of getting laid. Every so often the Guild sponsors evenings for writers looking for that perfect scribe mate. I’ve never been to one of course, but I imagine you hear some pretty wacky responses. As a public service, so you don’t make these gaffes, here are few of the responses I would not want to hear. (I'm sure you can think of some more yourself.)
Dennis Miller is funny now. He never used to be but he is now.
We can work at my place. I live in Bakersfield.
Hey, hey, don’t touch my Naomi Watts photos! They’re not bothering you.
I can work anywhere any time. In fact, if you’ve got a couch I could crash on, that would be sweet.
If I could go back and work on any classic sitcom from the past, it would have to be MAMA’S FAMILY.
You would be…let’s see…my eighth partner.
I’m really good at editing. You pitch me ten ideas and I can tell you which is the good one.
It's nothing personal. I don't look anyone in the eye.
Do graphic comics count as books I’ve read?
Look, if you didn’t go to an Ivy school I don’t even know why we’re talking.
Everyone who’s read my script thought it wasn’t funny. That’s why I need a partner.
I do my best work between 2 and 4 A.M.
First things first -- who gets top billing?
Let’s work at my place. That way I can watch my twins. They just started walking!
You don’t remember? You slept with me at the Sundance retreat and never called me back, you shit!
I have a spec ELLEN I could show you.
This rubber band? Whenever I start feeling this building smoldering rage my shrink says play with this rubber band. Does it bother you?
There’s a British version of THE OFFICE?
You have beautiful hair. Can I touch it?
Do you have a cigarette?
How long have I fucking been writing? Fuck knows. But I guess it was, fuck, I dunno, some fucking time around the end of last fucking year or some shit.
The only thing is… I don’t drive.
I took Robert McKee’s class twice. So I kind of see myself as an expert on story.
Would you take my hands and join me in a prayer?
Okay, well…if you’re here and I’m here it’s pretty clear our partnership isn’t working.
Tomorrow: my weekly AMERICAN IDOL review/autopsy.