Monday, May 12, 2008

Summer Movie Previews: the inevitable sequel

WALL –E – Pixar space movie from the director of FINDING NEMO. Robots have to clean up Earth, which has become a giant trash dump. Set twelve years in the future.

THE LOVE GURU – Mike Myers plays another painfully unfunny character in a movie that, judging by the trailer, could be the worst comedy ever made. And that includes STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT starring Mr. Funny Boots, Sylvester Stallone.

WANTED – A nerd is recruited by a secret society and turned into a lightning fast superhero. Has a love scene with Angelina Jolie but she doesn't know it.

SPACE CHIMPS – Ohmygod, is this what Stanley Tucci’s career has come to?

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY – The superhero who looks like pitcher Randy Johnson with two cans of Spam wedged into his forehead is back to save the world. If ever a movie was made to be shown on a one-inch iPod screen this is it.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 3-D: Or for those with bad depth perception – JOURNEY TO THE WORST HEADACHE OF YOUR LIFE.

KENNY – I was so honored that a movie was named after me until I learned Kenny delivers and maintains Porta-potties.

THE DARK KNIGHT – Christian Bale returns as the Batman who could use a prescription of Zoloft or a blowjob. At least the Joker has a few laughs.

MAMA MIA! -- Film adaptation of the smash hit musical. Starring Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan. I worry that they won’t do justice to those brilliant Abba songs.

BRIDESHEAD REVISITED – I guess this is a remake of the PBS television series because the ad line is “See it without the pledge breaks!”

STEP BROTHERS – John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell in a slacker movie. A three minute SNL sketch stretched to 90.

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE – Mulder and Scully are back, this time trying to prove the existence of their careers.

MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN – Take that vegans!

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR – Indiana Jones with an Ace bandage.

HELL RIDE – Rival motorcycle gangs starring Dennis Hopper and Michael Madsen. The AARP version of THE WILD ONE.

THE PINEAPPLE EXPRESS – A stoner comedy starring Seth Rogen from the Judd Apatow assembly line. Expect the first dick joke to come before the opening Sony Pictures logo.

SWING VOTE – An election comes down to one voter – Kevin Costner. Based on the year DANCES WITH WOLVES won as Best Picture.

MIRRORS – Keifer Sutherland as a security cop in an abandoned department store. Jack Bauer can save the world but can he save Macy’s?

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS – Even they’re copying themselves now.

TROPIC THUNDER – A war film shooting in Southeast Asia turns into reality. Who hasn’t seen PLATOON and thought, “There’s a comedy in this subject matter”? Stars Ben Stiller and looks funny.

YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN – Adam Sandler as an Israeli commando who becomes a hairstylist in New York. A one joke premise, goofy accent and “smell my feet” gag in the trailer. I don't think I will mess with this movie.

The only superhero who doesn't have his own movie this summer is the Teeny Little Super Guy from SESAME STREET and the only comedian-who-was-once-funny-and-is-now-kinda-sad that doesn't have a high concept idiotic premise comedy is Jim Carrey. So at least we have something to be thankful for this summer.

Tomorrow: AMERICAN IDOL recap

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Super Grover! Ah, he was my favorite.

doggans said...

I never until this moment realized how much I really want to see the Teeny Little Super Guy movie.

Will Teullive said...

Can't we somehow combine Hellboy II and Hell Ride into one film and sent straight to Blockbuster... or straight to hell?

The Love Guru had better not totally suck (there's a real vote of confidence) Mike Myers had years to get this one right. I mean other than Shrek, his IMDB page resembles Steve Guttenburgs for the last five years. That's a lot of creative downtime.

If "Guru" fails it's straight to "Dancin' With the Stars"

Midnight Meat Train?-- Starring Tommy Lee as the conductor....

Scott said...

Kenny is an Australian film, and really is one of the funniest movies to come out in recent years here Down Under.

Has alot of poo jokes though. Which is kind of inevitable when talking about port-a-loos.

Best line: There is a smell in here that will outlast religion.

Annie said...

Sigh...that's it. I'm spending my summer movie $ on a SIMPSONS DVD. If you need me, I'll be in my trailer, balling up Robert Downey, Jr and throwing him against the wall.

Charlotte said...

Just had to post a thanks for the nostalgic chuckle: Hadn't thought of Teeny Little Super Guy in years! Heh.

Only now I can't get his theme song out of my head. Uh, oh...

"You can't judge a hero by his size..."

TCinLA said...

Oh god - everything I said last night about Okeefenokee West, times 100.

Further proof that the best thing that could happen to movies in Hollywood would be tactical nuclear strikes on USC (first) and UCLA (about 10 seconds later). Why couldn't the 9/11 terrorists have flown their airplanes into the NYU Film School building and actually improved society???

But most assuredly the University of Spoiled Children, where they let the Spawn of Satan become studio executives.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I got movie passes for Xmas and haven't used one yet. Now I know why.

Nick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nick said...

I haven't been watching a lot of movies lately, but you've certainly written something really entertaining... possibly funnier than any of these movies. LOL

PS. Ken, I know you're quite busy, but I have this question on my blog that you might be able to answer really well. If you'd take the time to answer it, I'll appreciate it a lot. Thank you! :)

Nick said...

oh, sorry. The url is http://graphiteleaves.blogspot.com

Sebastian said...

"Star Wars: The Clone Wars" - not years.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185834/

Also I don't get all the whining. In the past years there were always movies that were interesting like "Black Diamond" or "The Departed" or "Babel". If Hollywood is THAT uninteresting for you, you could start watching movies shown at Sundance or from Europe or Japan or even Bollywood.

Hollywood movies aren't the bible. You don't HAVE to watch them.

Anonymous said...

So, I'm not the only one who feels obligated to watch my bible

dan'l said...

Mirrors: Obviously, someone thinks highly of Mannequin I and II. Have you asked for your check, Ken?

Mary Stella said...

MAMA MIA! -- Film adaptation of the smash hit musical. Starring Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan. I worry that they won’t do justice to those brilliant Abba songs.

Ha, ha. Very funny joke, Ken.

Wait, you didn't make this up? It really is a movie?

The Devil Wore Disco

Dancing Queen - Shaken, not Stirred.

Unreal!

Vermonter17032 said...

If it's a remake, shouldn't it be "Brideshead Revisited Revisited"? Just asking.

A. Buck Short said...

And yet, without this litany we would never had gotten to experience “ace bandage mummy.” Heh. And furthermore, heh.

Tread lightly Stella, ABBA remains my favorite palindromic singing group of the 70’s. But only because it’s the Hebrew counterpart of the American disco-palindrome sensation DAD. (Correct, this is not worth explaining.)

If Space Chimps is half as good as 1989’s Animal Behavior monkey movie starring Armand Assante, Karen Allen and Holly Hunter, maybe theatergoers won’t be tempted to start tossing their own feces at the screen. (Good morning to you all too, and good luck losing that mental image.) Yes sorry, once again this is pretty much the blog-reading equivalent of raising one’s hand for attendance and uttering “present.”

Dan Serafini said...

Sausage Factory? Wow! I am not saying you are wrong (havent seen enough of the Apatow canon), but that seems like a pretty harsh indictment.

I salute the willingness to be honest.

KEN LEVINE said...

Yeah Dan,

Upon reflection I gotta agree. Sausage factory was a little too harsh. And when he's at his best Apatow is damn funny. So I've changed it to assembly line.

But those who think I'm so disgruntled -- it's a tongue-and-cheek goofy thumbnail preview of movies. The purpose is to make you laugh. Sheeez.

Annie said...

Yeah, unclench, people. It ain't 'Old Yeller.'


Whut?

TE said...

TROPIC THUNDER – A war film shooting in Southeast Asia turns into reality. Who hasn’t seen PLATOON and thought, “There’s a comedy in this subject matter”?

The same might have been said about the Korean War.

Dan Serafini said...

Who says one man cannot change the world?!

And when I say world, I mean, blog, and when I say man, I mean idiot.

(I thought the post was funny, so sorry if I was picking nits.)

Mike McCann said...

MIRRORS - I had fleeting visions of a mannequin coming to life and fighting Keifer for control of the gold bullion packed into the building's secret cornerstone.

Blair said...

Anon up top -- Ken refers to, like he spelled out, Teeny Little Super Guy -- this dude;

Click

Super Grover, as he would be awesome in a movie, is a completely different character;

As drawn by me.

< / geek and shameless self-promotion>

RMS said...

I got halfway through the list when I realized you weren't making these up and they were going to be real movies! Yikes!

The Crutnacker said...

The Love Guru -- An Outsourced Austin Powers. Yest it's in English, but you won't understand it.

Mamma Mia -- The queen of the accent, Meryl Streep will make you believe she is singing in phonetic English.

The Pineapple Express -- Unfortunately, Judd Aptow was forced to whittle his drug comedy down to a tight three and half hours. You'll have to wait for DVD for the five hour version.

Sex In The City -- Continues the trend of making full length motion pictures out of crappy sitcoms, only this time using older, even uglier actors than the original.

Midnight Meat Train -- Cumming soon to Spectravision

Craig said...

Agreed on Kenny - if it's the aussie original and not some hideous US remake, it's brilliant.