I try not to be political on this blog. Whenever I do it usually results in a flood of angry comments. How dare I take a day away from reviewing INSTANT BEAUTY PAGENT or plugging my seminar to inflict my personal beliefs on people! I can usually count on ten livid folks writing that they will never read my blog again. A month later they’re back. The chance that I might profile Kat Dennings again is too great to miss.It’s silly to try to convince you to vote for my candidate. Comedy writers with blogs don’t have the sway they did thirty years ago.
I’d like to say study the issues and decide for yourself but so many people in this country are so incredibly stupid to suggest that would be irresponsible. How someone performs on SNL should not be your determining factor in selecting the next leader of the free world. And studying the issues does not mean spending a half hour on YouTube. Radio gabmeisters like Rush Limbaugh say “let me do the thinking for you.” Let me ask, how has that worked out for you?
So I won’t tell you who to vote for. But on this crucial day in our country and world’s future I do have some suggestions for both parties.
DEMOCRATS
Don’t be complacent. Don’t just listen to the polls, figure your vote doesn’t matter, and pass it up to go to Costco. Especially in the swing states. Even if it’s inconvenient, you have to wait in line, and the neighbor behind you is the scumbag who put all those naked statues on his front lawn.
REPUBLICANS
This is your last chance to tell Floridians they can vote by phone. It’s your final opport
unity to send out flyers in Virginia saying election day has been moved to Wednesday. Maintain flipping early votes from their guy to yours as you’re doing in Charleston. Have your Party Chairman continue to pressure the Attorney General of Nevada to bar certain voters. Keep lobbying Indiana to toss out early ballots. See that citizens who moved in Georgia are suddenly ineligible to vote. Be ready to hack into e-voting machines like you did in 2004. Spearhead moving polling places from poor neighborhoods.Step up those robocalls!
You only have a few hours to spread the word that your opponent is a Marxist, Socialist, terrorist, illegal alien, Streisand loving, anti-American, who is soft on crime, hard on Israel, has six kids out of wedlock, and has never liked TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL. Get busy.
May the best candidate win… and have his votes be counted.
Okay, start writing your angry comments. Just be sure you leave your name. This should be worse than when I said nice things about Patricia Heaton.
45 comments :
"Comedy writers with blogs don’t have the sway they did thirty years ago."
Okay, that was brilliant.
C'mon, Ken--it's "Touched By an Angel", not "Touch". If you're gonna libel someone, at least take the time to get your facts straight. Jeez...
How dare you talk about politics in this blog, especially on the cusp of a historic election that everyone is talking about. I shall not read this blog ever again, until tomorrow.
No angry comment here. I think you covered all the bases.
Did you HAVE to remind me that you'd said nice things about Patricia Heaton? I'm going to pick someone else's blog at random and NEVER READ THAT BLOG AGAIN. Happy now?
I'd just like to remind all Republcian voters that there's a "Can't Miss" MATLOCK repeat on PAX today, so stay home and watch it.
This past Sunday there was a protest march by Mothers Of Gay People and their gay kids protesting Proposition 8. Not too remarkable an occurance, you say? Why bring it up, you ask?
Because all the people in the march were Mormoons, and the march was in Salt Lake City, protesting their church's channeling millions of dollars into the Yes on 8 campaign! (For which the Mormon Church should lose it's tax exempt status.)
Propostiion 8 is a California ballot proposition. This must be the first time ever that a protest of a California ballot proposition was held in another state!
Of course, Utah is afraid that "As California goes, so goes the nation." They are terrified that taking "Equal Rights" seriously might catch on. But they needn't worry. As goes the 19th Century, so goes Utah.
Boy I sure hope that 24 hours from now, Karl Rove will be seething with rage.
Wait, does that mean no more robocalls? I'll feel so lonely. You never know; this call might be Mr. DeMille!
I had one call today from someone I knew, who was actually on the other end of the call. I didn't know what to do anymore. I forgot how to handle a phone call where there's actually someone on the other end you can talk back to. "What do you mean, you're not a recording?"
Ah, not to worry. The 2012 ampaign officially begins on Wednesday, and the robocalls will begin again, thank goodness.
Cheers.
Okay, I'll leave a proper angry comment. I hate all of you a-holes.
These are sad times when people believe that the most important elections and laws are the federal ones. The federal government was set up to provide you and your community the freedom to live the way you want to live. The federal government's job is only to ensure that everyone is equal under your community's laws.
However, nowadays people choose to not live under laws that they agree with because they want to force the entire nation to live like they do. People in California want people in Texas to not have guns. People in Texas want people in California to not have marijuana. Every year you a-holes try to consolidate power and laws so that your side can wield them, and every year more and more people have to live under laws they don't agree with.
"Wow, this community is perfect. It represents everything I agree with fiscally, socially and morally. However, I just feel empty unless I can force 300 million other people to live like I do."
The only real joint interest between states should be providing a common defense. The "justice", "domestic tranquility" and "general welfare" stuff is just to make us feel like we're in it together. Nowadays, that stuff what's tearing us apart.
I know why you try to do it, though...because the other side is trying to do it.
So, in the presidential election I won't be voting for the Democrat, nor the Republican, nor even the Libertarian (Bob Barr? Seriously??). I think I'm going to have to shave my head into a mohawk, cut the "President" part of the ballot off, then go down to the dock and ceremoniously toss it into the ocean.
I'll still read all you a-holes' blogs, though. If the founding fathers can be hypocrites, so can I.
I voted this morning on my iPhone. Finally, a touch screen voting system I can trust.
OK. I have one question: What happens to the networks when they don't the revenue from Obama ads to prop them up? Will TV as we know it wither and die? This is serious. In this economy, what can possibly replace all the money spent on campaign ads as a revenue source for TV? Car ads? Yeah, right. Who is buying cars? The networks are about to get hit hard.
I will say that neither candidate will be working on what this country needs, which is an all out assault at finding a way for us to be energy independent. That would solve quite a few of the problems out there, but it would mean making hard decisions on both sides of the debate, something that just won't happen without a leader that believes in it, and alas, neither candidate is the man on this topic. Maybe we can get lucky in 2012.
I do believe in run on sentences though ;>)
No angry comment from me. I'm from the People's Republic of Vermont. Right on or Write on...
There's an election?
Two thoughts:
(1) Why not have Ryan Seacrest announce the winner with all the schmaltz and melodrama he uses when he's doing it on the AMERICAN IDOL finale? What a ratings bonanza... I can see the four candidates standing together waiting nervously, expectantly, and yes, perhaps even with a little flop sweat starting to trickle down their foreheads, while Seacrest makes a couple of false starts at opening the envelope and mugging for the camera: Obama, cool on the outside, his stomach hip-hopping on the inside; Biden, agitated and fidgeting, wondering when he's going to be able to get his hour and a half of rebuttal in if he and Obama lose; McCain, rocking back and forth, his thoughts alternating between what he'll look like relaxing in a chaise lounge on the White House veranda, and what he'll look like relaxing in a chaise lounge at one of his seven other houses; and Palin, bursting with energy because she's all ready to announce her maverick campaign for President in 2012, no matter who wins...
(2) I bet both major political parties wish they could find a way to get as many people to vote for president as IDOL was able to get to vote for Ruben Studdard...
My first (s)election this morning was whether to wear briefs or tidy whities.
And guess what: the poles are in!
*snort* *giggle*
Seriously though, get your asses in line and vote dammit. Your prez gets nucular (sic!) launch codes I think that demands at least a turnout of 70%. I mean how can anyone be that apathetic to think that it could be unimportant that caribou-barbie gets the football?
I voted this morning on my way to work. I refused to vote early because I live in Florida and didn't want my ballot ending up in the Everglades. Now there's a better than 50% chance my vote will actually be counted, particularly since I live in the Keys. We have less than 50,000 registered voters so the presidential race pretty much ignored us. The only presidential visits we receive are from George Bush the Elder when he fishes in Islamorada. Jimmy Carter visited once several years ago on a Habitat for Humanity mission.
Our City Council and County Commissioner elections were hotly contested. Will this be the year that Bicycle Joanie wins?
Statewide we also have Amendment 2 that wants to stipulate legal marriage as between one man and one woman. The ugliest campaign sign I saw said, "Vote for Amendment 2 - Save a Child". Pure ugly ignorance.
Gnasche;
I approve of your views and wish to learn more. Do you have a newsletter?
Aside from states' rights, the other thing about the US that confuses me (I'm a 'limey') is that the constitution actually dictates that there be a congress every x years (10, from memory) where everyone should sit down and work out what to ditch due to changing circumstances - and yet this has transformed into some sort of stasis where everyone thinks they COULD and more worryingly SHOULD have goddam handcannons in the house because John Adams was scared of bears, or something.
Read the damn thing sometime - it's a much better document than any of you give it credit for, as originally conceived (I think the same goes for The Bible before Jesus' lit agent got his hands on it)
As mom used to say, "Vote No on Proposition Yes."
Remember the TAXI episode where Alex goes out with the telephone message lady. I think her name was Angela.
He shows up, she is obese and does not think he will stick around.
He does, the episode had many great laughs and ended beautifully.
That was a good one!
Like withyouinrockland said. Comedy writers with blogs don’t have the sway they did thirty years ago. That one made me laugh out loud.
But, please, don't lay all the dirty tricks on the Republican side. I'm from Chicago, and I know better. Why, I could write a book. Except for the fact that so many have already been written.
I just hope the level of political discourse dials down, now, from frothingly rabid to merely hysterical.
I don't think you should ever hesitate to be political, but I confess that is probably because I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Presidents don't have the sway with global corporations they did thirty years ago...
ANGRY
/not really
COMPLACENT
There, that's more like it.
/not really either
I'm voting today, of course. And wearing my little sticker with pride all day. :)
gnasher, the problem (at least in this election) is that the top of the ticket vote is a much easier one to decide than the local and state-level stuff. The two choices for President: one makes me scared, the other makes me proud to be an American.
Yes, of course I'm voting Democrat.
But at the state level, even for our own Governor here in WA, it's harder. One might increase taxes, while the other is conservative enough socially to make Barbara Bush look like Nancy Pelosi.
We focus on the Prez, cause it's usually easier.
Then we bust out our double-sided coins.
Heads, we vote Democrat.
Voted bright and early at 7am. Waited in line for an hour. On a rainy day! Hope this bodes well for voter turnout.
> What happens to the networks when
> they don't the revenue from
> [political] ads to prop them up?
> Will TV as we know it wither and
> die?
As far as I know, stations are required by law to sell time for political ads at their lowest rate and are possibly losing money right now. Once the election is past, they can again charge normal rates to the payday loan sharks and "natural male enhancement" pill pushers.
The Curmudgeon said...
> But, please, don't lay all the
> dirty tricks on the Republican
> side. I'm from Chicago, and I
> know better. Why, I could write a
> book. Except for the fact that so
> many have already been written.
By making sure in 1960 that every vote gathered from the Cook County Morgue was counted, Mayor Richard Daley struck a blow for minority rights, making sure that the role of necro-Americans in modern political life was never ignored again.
As far as I know, stations are required by law to sell time for political ads at their lowest rate and are possibly losing money right now.
Yep, that's the way that it was back when I worked in radio. I also don't think you could refuse the advertising even if you'd already sold out your avails. All the excessive political advertising kills programming -- and right in the middle of the Fall ratings book.
My original comment was truncated and so I am trying again.
I simply said "LOL". And of course I would never be able to guess from that even handed article who Mr. Levine might vote for. :)
And I like Pat Heaton...not her politics but she was good on Raymond!
YOU try being a Florida voter. Then we'll talk. In the meantime, I voted early and waited an hour to do so. I hear lines at the polls are very long today.
Skip work, skip the gym, skip lunch with the gang and GO VOTE!
"Okay, start writing your angry comments."
C'mon. You're a Hollywood writer. Anyone who's just figuring out that you're a Marxist, Jewish, homosexual pornographer is an embarrassment to Bill O'Reilly.
Anyway, don't take it personally if your right wing readers are too busy today to give you a piece of their mind. They may be done e-mailing their "Barack the time-traveling Muslim" smears, but they've barely begun poisoning the well with nonsense about Obama stealing the election by paying ACORN to stuff ballot boxes with votes of corpses and Disney characters.*
[*My gift to you -- a naked attempt to deflect the partisan ire to myself.]
Gee Gnasche, you're a real anti-Federalist. That is so 1789. Thomas Jefferson vehemently espoused the exact same views, until he became president, and reality set in, and he pulled a 180.
But, speaking as a Californian, I have no problem with small-dicked Texans over-compensating with all the guns they want, as long as they keep their guns, and their former governors, IN Texas.
(Well, if the great Ann Richards were still alive, I'd be in favor of sharing her. She would have made a much better woman president that Hilary.)
Frankly, I would be all in favor of Texas leaving the union altogether. I always thought Lincoln made a terrible error not letting the Confederacy go. As an Arkansan, The Confederacy would be dealing with Hilary instead of us, and we'd have had a black president much earlier.
"Gridlock said...
everyone thinks they COULD and more worryingly SHOULD have goddam handcannons in the house because John Adams was scared of bears, or something."
Take a look at The Alien and Sedition Acts. It wasn't bears John Adams was afraid of; it was dissent. His administration's attacks on, and virtual nullification of The Bill of Rights, was the worst threat to personal liberty in this country until Bush Jr and Homeland Security came along.
Gridlock also said...
"it's a much better document than any of you give it credit for, as originally conceived (I think the same goes for The Bible before Jesus' lit agent got his hands on it)"
So you LIKED that vengeful Old Testament God? You think Leviitcus is cool? You're in favor of stoning women who read dresses? For the record, I am SO not a Christian, but I find the Old Testament barbaric and horrifying. That God in the Noah myth who wiped out humanity and billions of innocent, non-sinning animals, because he was peeved is no one I would want to worship. (Hmmm. It's raining outside as I write this.)
But thanks Grid for lecturing us on our own constitution. I'd lecture you on yours if I had a year, and the hubris required. I was unaware that I undervalued our constitution, as I was under the impression that I'd read the whole damn thing a number of times, and thought highly of it.
That regular constitutional conventions thing turned out to be impractical (It was included when there were only 13 states, and only white male landowners were considered voters.), so we went with amendments instead.
Our slave-owning Founding Fathers certainly never foresaw today's election.
That should say "in favor of stoning women who wear red dresses?" Brain fart on my part.
Sigh. Not livid or even disappointed.
I happened upon the site about a month ago from a baseball related link. Baseball and comedy, gracefully discussed. Also a nice break from the election craziness. No politics.
Then was the less-than-stellar Palin/Paula Abdul joke last week. A Paula Abdul joke, really? Maybe an equally timely Mama Cass gag would be forthcoming.
And then this morning's effort. I assumed Ken was a Democrat but, like Dr. Zhivago, "approved of the party for reasons that were subtle, like his verse." Geez, just the usual dreary lefty tropes instead.
I am a huge Volunteers fan and I supposed the writer who slyly jammed JFK would be a bit more circumspect about Obama's cruising at platitude as well his recent spasms of sounding like Tom Tuttle after missing some snooze time.
No biggie and I'll be back. Just...sigh.
Everyone go vote!
"Marc from Chicago said...
A Paula Abdul joke, really? Maybe an equally timely Mama Cass gag would be forthcoming."
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Mind you, Paula Abdul has the current number one show on TV, while Mama Cass died three decades ago, but as humorous cultural references go, they are "Equally timely." Next up, a Sarah Palin-Jeanette MacDonald reference, since, by your logic, she's "Equally timely" also.
Of course, if we really want to use a singer from the century Sarah Palin lives in, I'd go with Marie Louise Marcadet. She was all the rage in 1776, and she's equally timely.
Oh, and Paula Abdul is a fry-brain moron (Not unlike a certain Governor Palin), while Mama Cass was one of the greatest singers ever to grace the last century. Please note: LAST CENTURY.
what's the point of this huge campaign to get people to vote when the election day is on a tuesday, and people don't get the day off work? they'll all rush to vote at 5pm, and wait in line until the polls close. Instead of telling people to go out of their way to vote, why not have the election on a sunday?
D. McEwan, yeah, I'm not as vehement as I was playing it up to be. I actually think that all political ideals are impractical, including those of the party I vote for most often. Everybody's vision of the perfect political system, including mine, in some way goes against human nature.
I voted two weeks ago. Since I live in a blue state it doesn't matter who I voted for. Barry Hussien will win. Is Angela Davis still running? I didn't notice. As another poster from Washington State noted, our gubernatorial race is a real problem. The Dem stole it last time, but seems likely to win it legally this year. I would have voted for her but for the public, unashamed bribe she took from the Indian casinos. Is Alfred E. Neuman still running?
Does this put Tina Fey out of business?
Golly.
WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT!!!!1
Goodbye Sarah! Don't let the lpane door hit you as you fly back to Alaska to shoot moose.
But thanks Sarah. Not only were you lots of laughs, but the exit polls all say you were a HUGE part of losing McCain the election.
Sarah may have been a part of the republican collapse...but McCain's CHOICE of Palin demonstrated his lack of decision-making abilities in high def. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.
Now, if we can just get Biden to shut up...
Does this put Tina Fey out of business?
Tina Fey stated in the news that Palin/McCain win or not, she would be done playing Palin on November 4th.
"emily said...
Sarah may have been a part of the republican collapse...but McCain's CHOICE of Palin demonstrated his lack of decision-making abilities in high def."
You are right. No question about it; she was his single worst decision.
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